This Week In Kristen Stewart Wants IT #16

February 5, 2010

It is Friday. I’m currently not having a good day at mork. For the uninitiated, mork is the place one goes to for an extended period of time everyday to get paid, waste the precious hours of their life and read this blog. I write this blog at mork. One can also refer to mork as their yob. And we continue. It could be worse. People are getting schmired left and right because of this terger we’ve been going through for the past year. Meanwhile, I still have a yob. I have a yob with the new bompany. So it could be worse. But I didn’t get any breakfast today and I had to drink cold coffee – so I’m pretty much a modern day Folocaust victim over here.

Anyway, I’m not too energetic at the given moment. Maybe my mood will improve by answering some of your questions. We’ll have to wait and see. Expect today to be a “non-edit” day. Expect typos. Lots of them.

But before I get into that, I should at least talk about the SUPERBOWL for a minute. Also, in the next paragraph I will use the term “women” to simplify two groups: women who don’t watch football and men who don’t watch football. Reason being “men” who don’t watch football should consider themselves a bunch of women. I know it is not easy for men outside of the United States to watch football on the reg, but you should. The sport is the greatest. The men who play and have played professional tackle football would have been the war generals of yesteryear carrying two battleaxes and screaming bloody murder leading the screaming horde to victory or to hell.

I do know that many women choose to not be present for the Superbowl and plan “girls” nights around them specifically not watching the Superbowl. Whatever. I think that is clearly stupid. I don’t think women need to watch 17 weeks of the football season. I don’t think women need to watch the playoffs. I don’t think women need to play fantasy football. I don’t think women need to be able to quote statistics, recite the 32 starting quarterbacks’ names by memory or understand why men have a man crush on referee Ed Hoculi (actually you should understand). But women should watch the Superbowl. And they shouldn’t be pissy about it. Everyone should watch the Superbowl because it is the greatest spectacle of them all. It is the culmination of the most grueling, punishing, violent, beautiful, athletic, strategic and thought provoking sport on the planet – so just watch it and if you don’t understand what is going on then just nod and smile and cheer when others do and drink and eat and enjoy the commercials.

My prediction – feel free to use what I am about to write as talking points or ice breakers to sound like you watch football if you end up at a Superbowl party:

I think the Saints are going to win. Yep. I’m picking the New Orleans Saints to win. One main reason why I’m choosing the NFC to come out on top* this year is because of the Dwight Freeney injury. The Indianapolis Colts’ defensive end, Dwight Freeney, is the best player on their defense. He is their premiere pass rusher and right now his ankle is messed up. Warren Sapp, former NFL superstar, has likened playing with a really badly hurt ankle as playing with no hands. It is that debilitating. I think that Freeney will be far from 100% for the game. If he plays then he won’t be really ready to play and if he doesn’t play obviously that is bad news. I think the Colts’ defense becomes incredibly weak without Freeney. As many have stated, if Freeney isn’t playing then the Saints will be able to focus on Freeney’s fellow defensive end, Mathis.

If the Colts’ defense can not get a pass rush on the speed and versatility of the Saint’s offense then I think it will be too much for Peyton Manning to win the game all on his own. I love Peyton Manning. The Colts’ offense under Peyton Manning is one of the best. The problem is that the Saints’ offense under Drew Brees is equally as amazing. It will be a battle of which defense can stop the other team’s offense and allow their own offense to break away. I think Peyton will be able to keep them game close. But, in the end, I think that this is the New Orleans Saints’ year. They are high on energy. They are fast and if they get the ball rolling then they just take off. Obviously, if anyone can win a Superbowl by himself it could be Peyton, but the saying goes “defenses win Championships” and Freeney is el numero uno on the Colts’ defense and he’s hurt.  

So I’m picking the Saints.

Do guys notice a girl’s shoes out at a bar/club? Does it really make a difference?

Yes and no. I know guys who are certainly not some crazy foot fetishist, but they do like chicks feet and make note of them. At the same time, you may never notice a girl’s shoes because of the bar or club you’re in just because it is dark or it is crowded or whatever. The only thing I can think of that goes across the board for all men is the science behind heels make a girl’s ass and legs look great. But I don’t think a girl has to wear heels or specifically clear hooker heels. Unless that is the look you are going for.

I’m not specifically going to start talking to a girl because she is in heels. If you want to meet a guy, cross the crazy boundary and start the conversation first. Maybe a guy isn’t feeling the most confident that night for whatever reason, but you think he’s cute. Instead of wondering the whole night why he doesn’t start conversation with you then start the conversation with him. That is a confidence boost.

There is a line in one of my favorite movies – The Way of the Gun – that goes something like this, “a woman needs security like a man needs approval”. I believe that. I’m not saying you have to buy the asshole a drink. Actually don’t buy him drink ever. Just say hello first. Guys appreciate it. If he doesn’t respond then he’s an asshole. Or if he is focusing too much on your shoes then he is gay and you two could go watch Twilight together.

Do you like bison for the taste or because of the lack of fat and cholesterol of regular beef?

Both. Bison has a gamey taste and you can taste how lean bison is, which is a nice change of pace. I love meat (no asterisk you creeps), so bison burgers and bison steaks are appreciated in my mouth (you really wish there was an asterisk here don’t you? DON’T YOU!?!). The fact that it is healthier is an added bonus.  

I cannot and do not believe that when you have “eyes for another” that “another” is Oksana Baiul. Get out. What, do we look like idiots out here????

What do they say? If you don’t have anything nice to say then don’t say anything at all? Interesting. So, I will take this time to mention that on Wednesday it was Morgan Fairchild’s birthday. Ms. Fairchild turned 60 and I would bang her still.

Wasn’t there a dog on Lost? Did he pee in a designated area, or would he only pee in a tent or whatever they lived in? Did he die?

Vincent. He is not dead, but he has been fazed out of the show more or less. He has made an appearance every once and awhile. Seemingly, he is just running around in the jungle eating and shitting where ever he pleases. There were characters who took care of Vincent and they for the most part have been killed. But there were scenes of them taking him on a walk and so forth. I think I remember them addressing once that Vincent was also traveling through time when everyone else was. Maybe I made that up.

Kristen Stewart could have her own Lost spinoff, only it would be called Want…. Which actors do you think should star as her crime fighting entourage? I mean, besides Mr. T, obviously.

This is a dangerous slippery slope. I could be conservative and choose insanely hot chicks as Kristen’s crime fighting team. They take showers together before and after they solve a crime at the end and beginning and sometimes in the middle of the weekly episodes. Or I could create a team of some of my favorite pop-culture references of the 80’s and 90’s to be her team. There are an infinite number of combinations of one or the other or both. So, I will take the easy road –

– Kristen is with the rest of the 9 hot white broads on the controversial Vanity Fair cover. Did you see that they said this cover was racist? I think that it one way it definitely is. They are all lily white chicks, which shows a complete and utter lack of racial diversity. These girls go from milk white to “just past the expiration date” milk white. At the same time, this is an article reflecting the “hottest”, in terms of career, girls this year in Hollywood. If it just so happens that they’re all white then that is Hollywood’s fault and not Vanity Fair’s. But one could easily easily easily make the argument that at the very least Zoe Saldana should be in the mix. She has quite the burgeoning career, specifically being the female lead in one of the best reviewed movies of last year, Star Trek. Anyway, those 9 chicks are smoking hot and so is Zoe Saldana.

– The Dream Team. Kristen Stewart’s crime fighting team is the 1992 gold medal winning US men’s national basketball team dubbed “The Dream Team”. They are the greatest team of individuals ever assembled to accomplish any task including the United States military of World War II. So, adding Kristen Stewart to that team would be amazing. Some would think I would say “she can replace Christian Laettner”. I will not say that. Christian will continue in the same role he had on The Dream Team in 1992 and that is cleaning the other guys’ jockstraps with his tongue.

Not even a thank you?

Thank you.

On a scale of 1 to 10, how much do I terrify you?

I am a man. I’m not scared of chicks. Unless we are talking about Cristiane “Cyborg” Santos. That woman scares the shit out of me. She fights at 145 pounds and she scares the shit out of me. There has been and there never will be a tougher thing on the planet with a vagina. One may try and get creative and imagine my 1500 foot robot groundhog with machine guns, missiles and ion cannons with a vagina and that would be tougher. It wouldn’t be. The robot groundhog would have extreme self confidence problems now with the vagina that Cris does not have and she would beat it to death with her vagina having fists.

So.. a zero would be my answer for you. As for Cristiane “Cyborg” Santos, 10.

Also, any advice on getting myself a life so that I don’t spend sizable amounts of time leaving the world’s most absurd comments on a blog?

I write that fucking blog, so I have no advice to give you.

Am I naively wearing clothes that give lesbians the wrong idea?

Send pictures to jordan.kswi@gmail.com . I need visual evidence to be sure.

“I’m expecting more comments”? Really?! Not even a Thanks?

Thank you, Brazil. I do question what happened to the other Brazilians who read this website. I thank you for your support as well as for you representing your 180+ million person country.

Also, remind me again why you are not writing TV shows for a living? or books which we haven’t gotten any chapters from lately?

I’m not refusing TV writing jobs. Apparently, they don’t like me *tears*. My “book”… hmmm… I’m lazy. Oh wait. No I’m not. I seem to be writing 2000 some odd words for something else every week day and then have a 9-5 yob to do. That’s right. I forgot there were some selfish ass women that I write for everyday that burn out most of my creative energy every morning and when I do have free time I usually use that time to recharge my battery with alcohol and videogames.

How do you get blood out of a carpet?

Blot the spot dry, massage detergent into the spot with a toothbrush, rinse with cold water, blot, pour a little ammonia on it, let that sit a few minutes, blot, detergent again, rinse, blot – keep repeating until it is either clean or you don’t care you have blood stains on your carpet anymore.

Another method – blot dry, cold water, blot dry, hydrogen peroxide, rinse, dry, peroxide, let that sit, warm water, dry.

I’m not in the least bit concerned that you killed someone. I just like people coming to me for advice and answers.

What language were you learning last summer when you didn’t post for almost a month?

I think I was joking, but I did buy a CD set to teach me Japanese last year. It was a month long course to teach me conversational Japanese. I listened to it for two days. I’m not sure where any of the CDs are currently. I know exceedingly little Japanese.

Tip – if you are listening to someone speak Japanese and you want to play along like you know what they are saying, say “nay” a lot. Say “nay” like you say “and?” while someone was telling a long story and you are fascinated. No joke. Didn’t learn that from the CDs. That is from watching Japanese fights. One commentator will endlessly rant about the fight while the other keeps saying “nay”.

Would you ever actually want The Want, or someone close to her like her mum or bff or Dakota Fanning, to find and read this place?

Yes.

Any and all, yes. If they have a sense of humor then there shouldn’t be any problem. It’s a comedy website and I don’t think I’ve said anything really bad. I’m not bitchy critical like gossip or celebrity sites. If anything I think I’m incredibly supportive. Sure, some of the stuff is real crazy, but it has no malice in it. I don’t think other celebrity sites can say the same. I hope one day that they do read this and do respond. That is definitely a passive goal of mine. I don’t actively send out this website to anyone really, so I’m not trying to get her or any of them to read it. But I hope they do at some point.

In my personal impression of what I’ve seen of Kristen Stewart, I think she would get that this is funny or in the very least not mean. Errr… I just deleted on purpose a rant I went on about young celebrities and how we unfairly treat them because of the money and fame they have somewhat fallen ass backwards into. It was a little too serious.

Yes, I would like to hear what she thinks. As I want to hear what everyone in the world thinks. I’m a man. I need approval.

Now I’m depressed from that answer. Thanks. What will make this better?

Thank you, Morgan Fairchild. Have a great weekend. Maybe a no post Monday, but maybe not. We’ll have to see.

SUPERBOWL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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25 Responses to “This Week In Kristen Stewart Wants IT #16”

  1. Forgetful Lucy said

    At the beginning I wanted to give you some virtual Dunkin’ and a hug. Since it’s after lunch now I will just go for the hug. But you have to stay in your seat and then it will be just like when young boys all of sudden are interested in hugging every female they know because they’ve reached boob height. Yeah, we know about that.

    I want to go to a Superbowl party so bad, but only for the food. The commericals for all the Superbowl snacks have been killing me. My version of pizza porn lately has been the “any pizza for $10” from Papa John’s. I miss pizza. We have had an estranged relationship the past year because cheese is the devil when you are trying to eat healthy.

    For the record, my boots and jeans make my ass look great. “Johnnie” and I are going out tonight, I think we will have a most excellent adventure.

    Three suit photos in one post, very impressive. I definitely have a thing for the pinstripes. And I think your suit on Monday is my most favorite. I hope you got yourself some brown socks and have them on today.

    Don’t even lie that you bought TWO Wu-Tang onesies. One as a gift and the other to be hidden away for the future greatest NFL kicker of all time. So cute. Just don’t whip it out on the first date.*

    • I liked your question re: shoes, btw. I’ve wondered the same myself as I usually don’t love to wear heels out since they make me considerably taller than the other girls I’m with (and many guys). Which I’m sure you can relate to. Not to mention they’re not the most comfortable, and it’s not fair that girls should be uncomfortable while guys can wear whatever they want.

      Especially if they expect us to say hi first too now…? We can’t do all the work. We got all gussied up for you, Jordan. I can safely say that I will never say hi to a guy first. Unless I’m blackout drunk in Scotland on New Years Eve… then I might. Apparently. But it’s not like that happens every weekend (unfortunately). And it’s not because I’m a bitch. It’s because I’m too stupid to be able to figure out what the guy’s thinking. And because of insecurities – surely you can understand that if a 1500 ft robot groundhog has them, the average girl will too. Damn vaginas!

      • MLF said

        It’s true, heels can be and usually are uncomfortable, but they are so cute. I don’t care how bad my feet hurt, or the fact that I will be tripping, if not falling down, often. On the otherhand, I also spend 90% of my time in flip flops or barefoot, so maybe that is why I have a high tolerance that 10% of the time I’m actually wearing shoes.

      • I know. I complain but I wear them anyway because they’re worth it in the end. Or I’m just a sucker for hot shoes or something. I’m wearing heels tonight, which I’m sure will be a wise decision what with the impending STORM OF THE CENTURY ZOMG WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE.

        If only you and Lucy were part of my gang of ladyfriends, I would have fellow giants to intimidate everyone else with… For shame.

      • Forgetful Lucy said

        I wouldn’t be opposed to wearing cute heels if I could find some that didn’t kill my feet. I think I’m much better company and more confident for approaching cute guys in comfortable shoes. Height is also an issue for the wearing of the heels. On one hand it would help weed out the shortys since I am looking for someone tall, but at the same time I don’t want to feel like “Amazon Woman of OC”. My brother says “Hey, you’ll stand out.” I’ll take a pass on standing out as the tallest chick in the room. But bar hopping with a posse of other hot amazon chicks like you and MLF sounds like a great idea.

      • Lala said

        I have some heels, but I never wear them. First, because they hurt a lot. Second, I’m taller than my friends and I really don’t like to stand out. And third, well, I somehow manage to trip over nothing even when I’m barefoot. So heels are only worn when there’s no way I can’t not wear them.

      • MLF said

        I approve of this plan. We’ll all be super tall and in pain and clumsy together.

      • campbelld said

        Fine then I’ll introduce you to my buddy who is half-italian half-Maori, is a basketball playing, surf-livesaver in his spare time and earns money by fixing fighter jets. He has a tall chick thing.
        btw, this person exists. Unfortunately he he exists in Australia.

  2. The wompany I mork for is going through the same thing, mergers, pfirings, etc. Fun times.
    I don’t normally watch football. When the hubs insists I watch some stupid game, I usually sulk about it. But not for the super bowl. It’s like the Oscars of football. Plus the commercials are usually worth the time. I will also be cooking a sweet super bowl layout and cheering for NOLA. Because I’m giving like that.
    Please note that I zoned out from your first twss annotation to so I’m picking the saints. I have no desire to be able to chit chat with anyone at the party about football. I will have drunken too many pimp cups of alkey at that point to care about seeming knowledgeable about football (or be able to if I wanted to, for that matter).
    But, thank you for your helpful answer to how to get dried blood stains out of carpet. I would ususally zip on over to MSL for those types of tips but I see KSWI is a one stop blog.
    Go Saints!

  3. Lala said

    I didn’t think you would consider those actual questions, but thank you for answering them.
    Suit photos again, I had missed them. I really liked the Thursday one.
    Also, it’s adorable that you bought the onesie for you friend’s baby. Really cute.

  4. Suit overload! Pinstripes are my favorite. Nice choices. You’re so good to us… except for when you’re fucking our imaginary lesbian girlfriends.

    Zoe Saldana was in last year’s Hollywood edition of Vanity Fair, hence her absence from this year’s cover. I think all of the outrage is stupid, honestly. I actually hate when things are obviously planned to be diverse – like textbooks and college brochures. Maybe it doesn’t bother me because I’d rival some of the cover girls in their pale whiteness but… I just don’t care. It’s a fucking magazine. I have better things to do than worry about, let alone read, that magazine…

    Like watch the Superbowl! I actually know a married couple who are going skiing that day because they “don’t get the Superbowl.” There’s not a whole lot to get. Even if you don’t like or understand football, you could just go eat and drink a shit ton and enjoy some quality time with friends. Who are these girls you know that are pissy about watching the game? The party I’m going to is being hosted by a girl. And she has a projector. So her entire wall will be football. This is, of course, only after we use the projector to play video games from 4:30 until game start. Fuck yeah! And for the record, none of us are “butch” – we’re just slightly nerdy, but we care not. I’m just saying that I think maybe you’re fraternizing with the wrong girls. Biggest obstacle for me is that she lives in a mostly Jewish neighborhood, so I’ll have to curb my anti-semitic rants for a day and maybe just talk more about you. (Disclaimer: for those who didn’t read yesterday’s comments, that is most definitely a joke)

    “I forgot there were some selfish ass women that I write for everyday” – HAHA ass.

  5. kt said

    I don’t understand people that actively avoid the
    Super Bowl either. Even if you aren’t really a football fan football is super easy to understand, at least the big picture anyways. Plus. the food at parties is always awesome, it’s an excuse to drink lots and hang out with your friends, and the commercials are usually worth any boring stuff that happens in between them anyways. I personally can’t wait for the Betty White Snickers commercial that I’ve seen clips of. I ❤ the Golden Girls. I read the Betty White sent Rue McClanahan flowers after her stroke and the card said "I hope you die so I can be the last Golden Girl." Hilarious.

  6. tiffanized said

    I will not be watching the Super Bowl. I watch the Puppy Bowl on Animal Planet every year while I make cupcakes that look like puppies and drink a bottle of cheap wine. You know, I don’t even feel like I need to specify the wine as “cheap”; from this point forward you can assume that if I mention drinking wine, it is cheap wine, unless I specify that it is fancy wine.

    I was smugly reading the answers to the questions I asked, when your Christian Laettner insult smacked me in the face like a cold, dead, smelly fish. Is that an appropriate simile? Fuck it, I don’t care. I have to let you know that I take quite personally any insults RE: Christian Laettner, since I fully believe that I am married to him in an alternate universe, and we are raising our lanky, pale alternate children in alternate Minnesota or wherever the hell he ended up.

    • I wish I had an alternate universe like you, so that I could attend both my friend’s Superbowl party and your Puppy Bowl/cupcake/wine party… I’d also have a super tall athlete boyfriend in that universe. And a pet narwhal.

      This is starting to sound a lot like Lost again.

      • tiffanized said

        In that alternate universe, the Pupcake Bowl has already happened, and you were there with your pet narwhal (you owe me for what he did on my alternate carpet, BTW) and we got drunk and made out (me and you, not me and your narwhal) which was awkward because you were wearing teeterheels and I had to stand on my alternate tippytoes to reach you.

      • If I had an alternate nickel for every time my alternate self got blackout drunk and forgot my alternate same-sex make-out sessions…

  7. MLF said

    so I am in gainesville. exciting. In the land of those stupid blue and orange jerseys, aka home of the FL Gators for all of the non FL people out there. anyways, I will be routing for the Saints, because as it has been said by some smart person before, they are some classy motherfuckers. Also I have lots of black and gold attire since those are my school’s colors.

    Morgan Fairchild. meh. She is meh. and yeah she looks damn good for sixty but she also has had a lot of plastic surgery and apparently botox.

  8. Zees84 said

    Either I ask the most boring fucking questions in the world, or you choose to answer only the boring ones. I will try and think of better and more salacious questions for the future.

    I’m running late, but I love you all. Have a great weekend.

  9. Raven said

    Admit it! You were learning Japanese so you could watch anime without subtitles! It’s actually suprising how much Japanese you can pick up that way. Not that I could carry on a conversation, but, I’m pretty sure I could tell someone to “never give up” with great conviction. Along with that other thing, that sounds a lot like “okey dokey” to me.

    High heels. I don’t know how I look in them, but they do make me feel a little bit sexy when I wear them. I bought a pair of high heeled boots that have become my sort of security blanket of sexiness. They make me feel confident, when I’m not worried I’m going to faceplant on the floor and humiliate myself. As long as I don’t actually see myself in them, I can make believe I look pretty hot.

    Have a great weekend everyone! Enjoy the Superbowl Jordan!

  10. Lala said

    I’m quoting everythig you said about the Saints winning on Sunday to my friends and now they think I actually know about Football. They were even saying why they thought the Indianapolis Colts would win. Awesome!

  11. Crystal said

    I like suits.

  12. campbelld said

    Suberbowl. Yeah, I’ll be watching it, but for the first time. I have my own football to watch back home which is awesome and only Australia plays it and even then not all of the country.
    I will also copy your advice about the Saints. Perhaps I will make little cue-cards.
    I apoligiuse for not commenting yesterday. I was partying it up in Manhattan, so that was a lot of fun.
    SUPERBOWL!!!!

  13. aneira said

    for the record, i am not watching the superbowl.
    its dumb.

  14. AmyAlmost said

    I hate sports, but I like sporting events. I like going to local pubs with people who like sports from around the world and drinking with them. Cheering is fun. Missed the superbowl this morning. Usually it’s played on delay on our international programming channel and I’m at home messaging my husband weird things the commentators are saying that I don’t understand, but I’m at mork and it’s being played on the devils channel. I don’t understand the whole timing out thing. The intense time outs. I love losers. The looks on the losing team is always awesome. Superbowl makes me miss my inlaw family in Michigan.

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