Kristen Stewart Wants My Bird

February 8, 2010

The Saints won, so I was correct. Yeah for me. I had some people over. We drank a lot of beer. We ate mashed potatoes, homemade mac and cheese, corn, peas, more crescent rolls that turned into “dinner rolls”, stuffing, and one more thing…. what was it?



That is 20 pounds of glistening turkey whose meat was falling off its bones. It was a holy experience carving that turkey. There was so much turkey meat everywhere it was like I was hallucinating. How much meat is on a 20 pound turkey? 60 pounds of meat. I’m not sure how that math works, but it does.

Look at this beautiful turkey

Yeah, that’s right. We know how to cook. We’re taking over. No more “Stupid Dad”. No more “we have to order Dominos” because “Stupid Dad” will burn the house down if he tries to turn on the oven. None more of that. What? What you want dinner? Oh, I’ll cook you dinner. I’ll cook you a motherfucking 20 pound turkey that you can live off for weeks. Turkey sandwiches, turkey quesadillas, turkey stew, turkey burgers, turkey meatballs, turkey pasta – we’ll figure a way to do it. No more “Stupid Dad”. He has no place in this apartment.

We’re not “Stupid Dad”, but we are very much “Hungover Dad”.

Until tomorrow. Just fawn over my bird.


23 Responses to “Kristen Stewart Wants My Bird”

  1. Zees84 said

    Who’s the Stupid Mom?

  2. Zees84 said

    One More:

    Turkey Badass Jordan

  3. susanelle said

    Aw, Jordan, you’re my hero in two ways.
    1.) those modesty shots of the turkey — no direct up-the-anus shots, which I applaud.
    2.) you were right about the Saints and through you I gained a new level of respect among my peers, especially after that all-Colts first half.

    You’re a gentleman and a football scholar

  4. And I thought the spread at my party was impressive.* Actually, it was more than impressive, I just didn’t eat much of it since I was still suffering from a hangover of atomic levels that resulted from too much fun (and irresponsibility) on Friday night. What 25 year old gets hangovers that last two days? Utter horseshit. May you and your fellow Hungover Dad’s suffer for a shorter period of time.

    Anyway, your bird is impressive. As is the fact that you can cook. But I will be a little peeved if the “IT” we’ve been learning about all these months turns out to just be turkey…

    • tiffanized said

      I saw your doingy headbands. I want one.

      • They were pretty awesome if I do say so myself. And by awesome I mean epically nerdy. I even wore them while I played video games. I’m the coolest person ever, clearly.

        I drew the line at the D-Fence headbands, but there other decorations, including football-shaped tambourines. Some girl punched someone with one. Who knew tambourines could be weaponized? Drunkass Jersey girls, that’s who. It was a strangely awesome day.

  5. Forgetful Lucy said

    Your bird is beautiful. I want it.

  6. tiffanized said

    I made these. I put a whole one in my mouth at once. I’d like to see you try that with a turkey*.

    I apologize if that asterisk crosses the line into bestiality; though technically, since the turkey is dead, it would be necrobestiality. Is that a thing, or did I just make it up? God, I hope inventing necrobestiality isn’t what puts me in the history books.

  7. campbelld said

    Yeah cheers for advice about football. Made me look smart. “See” I said, smugly, “I told you Freener would suffer in the second half, and that’s just given Brees to much rein. That’s why the Saints won. Now suck it, everyone who had a differing opinion to me!”
    So, thanks very much!

  8. cledbo said

    I didn’t manage to have a conversation with anyone which led to an “I told you so” situation about Saints beating the Colts. But in my head I got to think “Kay Swidge was right”, which should have alerted your man-sense that somewhere, at that time, a young woman was giving you her approval*.

    Tiff, I want your cupcakes. Even if they are ridiculously girly.

    I too had a 2 day hangover HB, and was also vaguely disgusted with my lack of piss-fitness (that’s piss as in alcohol, not as in urine, for those not fluent in Australian). I took Monday off, feigning ‘sinusitis’, as my boss wasn’t even at work. Then I did laundry. It was exciting.

  9. Lala said

    I have to thank you, KWSI Jordan. Thanks to your advice about football, people thought I actually understood what was going on and what I was talking about. Yeah, they were making fun of me because all of them were saying the Colts would win, the Saints didn’t have chance… all that crap. In the end I was right. Ok, you were right, but they don’t have to know it.

  10. aneira said

    youre making me hungry!!!
    i did not watch the superbowl at all.
    not one second of it.

  11. Zees84 said

    And a very happy birthday to Kimbo Slice.

  12. Crystal said

    I just had an orgasm while you described all the different meals you can make using turkey.


  13. AmyAlmost said

    I don’t have a “stupid Dad” husband. He cooks all the time, I don’t eat it because I like my cheese in moderation.

    I think the superbowl depressed the husband. Was it a depressing game?

    • cledbo said

      Oh man, Mr Cledbo will be a lifetime member of the Stupid Dad club if/when I ever decide that 9 months of…whichever adjective applied to being pregnant on a given day.

      It’s not so much that he can’t cook, more that he won’t, and refuses to learn simple things like which cupboard the frypans go in, and that potatoes don’t go in the fridge.

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