Another Unfinished Work of KSWIJ Genius

February 9, 2010

Back to work, back to work. I’m pretty sure everything that is insightful and clever that needs to be said about the Super Bowl already has been. The only thing I can really think about saying is that Peyton Manning is the greatest quarterback in the history of the National Professional Tackle Football Association. Right now, sports writers and fans are giving up on Peyton. It is because we are a fickle people and because most people are stupid. The idiocy of the general public regardless of education nor time spent in any profession, that idiocy is high – very high.

Peyton Manning is a 4x NFL MVP. That is fucking retarded. And by retarded, I mean it in the same way Rahm Emanuel and Rush Limbaugh mean it – thanks Meghan McCain. Over 7 seasons this past decade, Peyton Manning was seen as the most valuable player in the entire league four different times. The man is the greatest. People need to take a step back and stop themselves from writing knee jerk reactions just because he lost a game. He hasn’t lost many games. And that game? The fucking Super Bowl. Would it have been better for him not to make the Super Bowl at all than for him to make the Super Bowl and lose? There are 31 teams in the NFL outside of Peyton’s Colts. 30 of those teams didn’t make the damn Super Bowl.

Peyton is 33 years old. He has never missed a game in his professional career. He has never had a season with less than 26 touchdowns. He regularly throws for over 4,000 yards. Only one season last decade did he have less than 10 wins. And, yes he hasn’t had the best post-season career ever. But he has a Super Bowl ring as well as the Super Bowl MVP. He is 33. He will continue to run wild on the NFL for at the very least 5 more seasons. He will eclipse Dan Marino’s TD, passing yards, and pass completions numbers in at most 3 seasons. Peyton will not only have the numbers, but in that time he will have at least one ring – most likely more.

So, get your fucking heads together. “The Sheriff” Peyton Manning is the best, so shut it.

And with that, I thought today would be a nice day to throw out some more K-Swidg-Jizzle original content. Today’s installment is the first chapter to a book I never ever intend on writing. My writing usually is swayed by whatever I’m reading or watching. A few months after I read War & Peace, I thought I would put my endless array of words to use by writing an insanely long book. This was doomed from the start because my interest wanes greatly when I’m writing completely for myself.

The story was ripping off War & Peace. Spoiled rich nobles and landowners running a country, socializing, having dinner parties, attending dances, and eventually fighting a war. That and Rules of Attraction set as a period piece. Either way, here is a quaint little first chapter. I find it amusing. And if you need extra incentive – just pretend the chick is Kristen Stewart. Without further doo doo…

==========

The Princess of Doorchester sits in the solarium. No, she lays in the solarium on the chez lounge. Her tiny frame is no where to be seen. The enormous ball gown of silk periwinkle blue and white stripes is ridiculous casual wear. She lays with her head against the blood red sofa cushion her arms outstretched over her head as if she was dramatically shot and this is where she dies.

“What have you done today, Charles?” She emphasizes “Charles” as if she would even dream of talking to the dozen or so servants lining the walls like breathing statues who will spring to life at the slightest gesture. “What have you done today, Charles?” The emphasis on “done” to further prove her belief that Charles is a lazy do-nothing. She herself has had quite the rich list of accomplishments this morning: arising promptly at noon with a foggy hangover from the endless stream of champagne from the prior evenings’ orgies, was carried to her bath and thoroughly scrubbed, dressed by her servants, she ate a little which is a great accomplishment in itself – her meals usually are of the liquid variety – and now she is in another’s house meaning she has traveled. “What have you done today, Charles?” Today like all other days, Charles has done nothing. For the Princess Sophie of Doorchester her day has been long and agonizing and full of life because she is now drinking and drunk not in Doorchester, but in the town of Wedminster, right next to Doorchester. 

“To be honest my dear-“

“Oh do be honest, Charles. What would our time together mean if we were not honest with each

other? Everywhere else I lie and lie and lie and I can’t remember a single second of it, but-“

Charles clears his throat.

“To be honest my dear-“

“I’m sorry please go on. To being honest!” Sophie’s heavy with liquor and light on grace arm swings to the floor for her glass. She pours the contents of the lipstick smeared glass aiming for her mouth: half meets its target, the rest her cheek then the couch.

“To be honest, my dear, the most productive thing I have done today was I masturbated twice.”

“Really?” The Princess of Doorchester is aroused, literally. She props herself up on an elbow to get a look at what expression Charles, the masturbator, has on his most regal face. He is listless and barely awake, bored at the existence of existing. Sophie is tickled. Her comically large ice cream sundae dress-matching wig is clinging to her dirty blonde hair by a scant amount of pins. She shoves the wig off and props herself up higher on her sanguine chair and signals to one of the elegantly dressed servers.

“You masturbated today? Twice? Twice!?!” The server on bended knee to Sophie’s side receives the slightest of gestures to her empty glass. Immediately, a second server hands the first server the chilled opened bottle of champagne and the first server refills her glass. “Who would’ve known you would have had the energy?” The server snickers and then composes himself. Sophie at another time would have banished the servant, but she smiles at him for recognizing the intended humor in her statement. Sophie hands the glass back to the server and nods for more. A third server rushes out of the room for another bottle.

“Yes, twice. I woke erect and-“

“Masturbated with it?”

“Yes and then I laid around in bed for an hour trying to go back to sleep, which I couldn’t do so I masturbated again to give myself some levity to wake for the day. Sometimes I do that.” And with that, Charles shows the most enthusiasm for his sexual exploits by shrugging and the wildly intrigued Princess Sophie who is nearly on the edge of her seat is almost about to burst into laughter or run around the room in child-like excitement. “What is it? Can you not imagine me masturbating?”

Charles: the wealthiest man in all the country and would rival any in the world in terms of money, the most soft spoken, gets lost in the crowd in a party of two, the near hermit who barely attends any social gatherings of any sort, who has never had a wife nor a steady girlfriend even at his advanced age of 36, the man who is constantly being railed against by every major news organization about his complete disregard for humanity with all his money he gives only the required lawful minimum to charity and does little else with it except to maintain what he already has. Charles: almost six feet tall, not an athletic bone in his body, soft and pudgy, but not terribly overweight, receding hairline soon to be completely bald like his father, somber almost dead eyes that show little if any reaction to any stimulus. Oh, Charles. Gratifying himself sexually? Sophie thought. And twice?

“In the royal suite? On that huge bed your parents slept in?”

“What? They died over 10 years ago. It is not like they are still in there.”

“I would hope not!” Sophie laughs uncontrollably at her own joke.

“Shut up.” Charles barely has the strength to push the words past his teeth. The door opens and a servant rushes in with a champagne bottle and a short saber. He tilts the bottle and swipes once cutting the top off the champagne bottle, the cork bursting out and champagne gushes in an arc onto the floor and then into Sophie’s glass.

“Voila! Was it an explosion like that Charles? Are you so viral you popped and sprayed it all over your mummy and daddy’s bed like-“

Charles smiles and almost laughs. “No, it was fairly ordinary.”

“I’m so intrigued. Who was it about?” Sophie is giddy. She is sipping her sparkling wine and is now propped up on the chair with her little legs tucked to her side and the gown’s giant bell bottom like a beached whale nestling against her. “Was it two different women? Was it the same woman twice? Do I know who it is?”

“It was your sisters.”

“My sisters!?! Really? I cannot believe this morning. My sisters? Which ones?”

Charles glares at Sophie. “Which two would you think?”

“How should I know? This is your fantasy!”

Charles rolls his eyes and squirms about in his chair to adjust his posture. “Sophie, you have four sisters. I will name a sister and then you will describe them, ok? Priscilla.”

“Priscilla. She’s ever so smart. She went to college at Carmden-“

“For God’s sake, how could I masturbate about her education!?!”

“She is very funny. She is certainly the cleverest-”

“Jokes? Do you think I roll about my bed remembering jokes she has told until I finish myself off?”

“Fine, she is short and fat.”

“Julia?”

“Beautiful and-.”

“And a great ass. Deidra?”

“Tall, thin, big teeth.”

“Camille?”

“Very pretty and big… and a big… and a big b… bosom-… big tits. Are you happy?” Sophie shakes her head in disgust. “My sisters?”

“Would you rather I masturbate about someone else? Should I masturbate only to whores I meet at some party in the city? Julia and Camille are both very attractive, they come from an excellent family and I enjoy their company as well. So why not? Also they are princesses after all. The old adage of sticking to one’s social class, I’m at least following through with that in my own selfish fantasies.” Sophie won’t make eye contact. “Why am I defending myself? I would gladly fuck your sisters. It is out in the open. Why wouldn’t I? I am a straight man, after all. I’m sure any man with half a brain would want to have sex with them as well.”

“I don’t know who you should masturbate to. It caught me off guard. And, they will be at the party tonight? It will be awkward for me seeing you with them. I won’t be able to get that image of you-“

“What party?”

Sophie shoots up from her chair and stands stomping her bare feet on the wood floors; a child in a temper tantrum more than a Princess expressing her disgust. “What party!?! You promised Charles! Every year I host the greatest party of the calendar year and everyone attends. It is every year and has been since I was a child and it is every year on the same day! The country’s birthday party! It is the social event of the year, every year and you’ve always been there for it. How can you say what party?”

“Oh, right? Is it really the tenth already? This month has moved fast. It is my mistake. I did not forget your party; I just forgot what day it was or even what week probably. It happens a lot. I’m dreadfully sorry. Can you sit down now?”

The Princess of Doorchester falls backwards onto the chez lounge. Her dress flips up for a moment how a careless child’s would, perfectly illustrates her immaturity even more for Charles. She takes a few sips of champagne to wet her throat from all the yelling.

“So, what exactly are you doing to my sisters in these fantasies?”

===========

Tah-Dah… I hope you enjoyed that as much as I did. Unfortunately, the chance for additional chapters would need to be pried from my brain with a book deal. Or several private evenings with Meghan McCain and her… uh… brain(s).

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66 Responses to “Another Unfinished Work of KSWIJ Genius”

  1. Susanelle said

    Oh, I meant to say yesterday, “What a great blog this is!”… because it is only week 17 of this blog and already the commenters have gotten to “necrobestiality.”

    This is a blog among blogs!

    • kristenstewartwantsit said

      And I guess week 17 is its last week? Poor KSWI – what happened?

      • Susanelle said

        What do you mean “what happened”?

        It’s only 2:04.

      • kristenstewartwantsit said

        I am impatient. Work is boring.

      • Because your comments are about as tolerant as you are, I don’t know who you’re replying to… But if it’s to me, I was in a very important meeting with The Google. I got free goodies out of it. When you start giving me goodies, then you can come first.

      • Zees84 said

        oh jesus mafucking christ, my head exploded* from “When you start giving me goodies then you can come first” *** and ### you good and proper, HB.

      • Crystal said

        The Google? I’ve heard you can do some interesting things with The Google, like maps and stuff.

      • campbelld said

        yeah, my friend has a Google machine.

      • kristenstewartwantsit said

        Goodies? I don’t provide goodies!?!

        I provide laughter for the whole world!

        Or the twenty people who comment here. But, 28 weeks of fucking laughter and I get bullshit like “you don’t provide goodies”.

        I am frustrated. Frustrated at mork.

      • Zees84 said

        Charles has a solution.

      • Forgetful Lucy said

        OH EM GEE. I was just about to suggest a tug-a-lug to a couple of Gummer sister fantasies!

      • kristenstewartwantsit said

        The Gummer Sisters are lovely young ladies both separately and together.

        Everyone is waiting for Snowmageddon (Barry Obama!) to hit. I don’t like this. They are jinxing the maybe snow day tomorrow, which means I should have saved today’s post for tomorrow. Fuck.

      • Zees84 said

        We’ll understand if there’s no post up tomorrow.* Snow can do that to a person. You can just put up more pictures of your meat.

      • Zees84 said

        gd-fucking-damn. I meant to change that to “Cold can do that to a man.*”

      • You may be able to out-crazy us on occasion Jordan, but you’ll always be fighting a losing battle. Our gender as a whole comes pre-programmed with the knowledge of how to skillfully use one of the greatest weapons of mass destruction Man has ever encountered: irrationality. And using it against you, Man, is secondary nature to all of us.

        So yes, you’ve given us morsels of hilarity for going on 7 months now. And I’ve sincerely thanked you for it several times. But I currently have no tangible “goodies” from you – nothing I can wrap my hand around* – whereas I have this really nifty Google Nalgene bottle right now. So, like I said: goodies and you can come first.

      • Freya said

        How can you even type “goodies and you can come first” without a myriad of ****???? Or is that no longer de rigeur on the KSWI commenting circuit? Am I out of the loop?

      • I thought a star might be overkill. And if I’m anything, it’s tasteful and restrained.

      • Crystal said

        HA! I mean yeah…totally.

      • Susanelle said

        What about mork?

      • Zees84 said

        P.S. HB is in a meeting now, or taking a ridiculously long lunch. Perhaps she is drinking.

        I wish I was drinking.

    • Zees84 said

      Has it only been 17 weeks since the gospel of THE WANT was revealed unto the world?

      • Susanelle said

        I know — it feels like years and years and years, doesn’t it?

      • It’s been 17 weeks since Jordan couldn’t ignore the idiocy in the comments and finally broke the invisible barrier and addressed us with a “This Week in KSWI” post. The lessons on want have been dealt out regularly for well over 17 weeks.

      • Susanelle said

        Well, then — how many weeks has it been, HeyB?

      • Forgetful Lucy said

        Thanks to handy dandy Archive Links…
        KSWIJ as been posting on the reg since 8/3/09, which makes this week 28. Good times.

      • Zees84 said

        Thanks to handy dandy Archives…the first post was July 8th. Someone else figure out how many weeks, as my math skills are only good when discussing Jordan’s penis. Apparently.

      • Zees84 said

        Jinx! Buy me a coke, or, now that I’m older and my taste has matured, some cocaine.

      • Forgetful Lucy said

        Ha! I wasn’t sure if you said it ’cause you saw mine first.

        I have an annual calendar on my desk for mork. No math was required, or I would have given up.

      • Susanelle said

        Holy shit, that was interesting how Lucy and Zees said the very same thing at the same time. Are they the same person???

        Zoosy?

        Also, glad to hear that it’s 28 weeks… that’s what it feels like.

        But now I’m sad that Jordan hasn’t done a “This week in KSWI” for every week.

      • Zees84 said

        Congrats, Jordan, your blog weighs as much as a Chinese cabbage!

        heyoooo pregnancy joke!

    • tiffanized said

      I was happy to discover that not only was I not the inventor of the term “necrobestiality”, someone else had even written a song about it.

  2. Crystal said

    Seriously 17 weeks?? It feels like an eternity…and I think I mean that in a good way.

    Very interesting topic.

    That chick with the giants boobs is unattractive.

  3. Aww, Jordan wants to hate fuck Meghan McCain for her mind. That’s sweet.

    I found your story very funny. I think I liked this even more than the last one, even though they’re entirely different premises that can’t really be compared. Either way, really nicely done.

    I quite like how an absence of comments early on means that my whereabouts need to be accounted for. Thanks, Zees. What would you all do without me and my excessive free time/complete lack of motivation at work?

  4. So… what have we learned in the last week? All Jordan needs to do is throw himself a little pity party and we’ll all frantically run to make him feel better and reassure him of our love. We’re all a bunch of suckers. Damn women.

  5. Zees84 said

    Dear Jordan,

    You’re a piece of shit, you know that? You make us feel bad for you, tease us by appearing in the comments, giving hope that you’ll stay and play, and then goodbye charlie once the comment count goes up.

    I wish I could think of someone I would want to hate fuck right now, because I am enraged!

  6. Forgetful Lucy said

    Wonky comments! See what you did.

    • Susanelle said

      Hee. We like our comments in sequence and our archives properly archived.

      Also — does anyone else receive this blog by e-mail? Does it just suddenly go like that when you put up a lesbian avatar? (I mean the blog post itself — not the comments.)

  7. Susanelle said

    I fell for that! I went there! With hope shining out of my eyes!

  8. Forgetful Lucy said

    I love that you used the word “periwinkle”.

  9. MLF said

    Failed Expectations…I love it. and oh dear. I think I might enrage lots of people by suggesting this, but what if instead of writing the blog everyday, you write a book instead? Just sayin…. also, all I can think about when I look at that picture of Meghan McCain’s rack is what it must look like when it is not being bound up and held together. Not as pretty a picture. am scaring myself.

  10. Lala said

    Oh, crap. I actually clicked on that link.

  11. Forgetful Lucy said

    Since we are all fans of bodypaint here at KSWI, I thought I would share this link. If you click on each of the girls there is a video included showing them get painted. CampbellD, pay close attention and take notes for your future profession.

    http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2010_swimsuit/painting/

  12. Cristalena said

    what does it mean when i come to this blog* to scroll through the actual post and read through the comments instead?

    • Zees84 said

      It means you are AWESOME!

      • kristenstewartwantsit said

        I am stuck in a foot plus of snow at home with my family aka hell.

        No electricity.

        I did write a blog then the power went out.

      • Forgetful Lucy said

        Awww, I’m sad panda for you. I thought you would be having a delightful snow day playing video games and watching movies… or porn, whichever.

        Wait- does this mean you don’t heat? Yeah, that really sucks. Hang in there tiger.

      • kristenstewartwantsit said

        No I don’t heat. All I have is my iphone.

      • Susanelle said

        How are you able to read my mind?

        All right, what am I thinking right now?

        ::waits::

        Moving on, I want to say that yesterday’s blog post was very funny (yesterday I said that the day-before-yesterday’s commenters were very funny.)

        Charles and Sophie would make a good SNL skit… or they would have back when SNL was funny.

      • Zees84 said

        No heat? Bet you wish you had a snuggie now…

        But seriously, sorry today sucks for you.

      • Cristalena said

        what a coincidence!
        i, too, am stuck at home in 75 degree Los Angeles weather.

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