The North East of the U.S.A. is CLOSED due to SNOW

February 10, 2010

Yes, indeed it is closed. Especially, New Jersey. Especially, where I am stuck in New Jersey.

Where am I “stuck”? My parents’ house. What started as a family dinner is now a hostage situation. (sounds like every family dinner at my house *wah wah*)

I’m not going to write 2000 words about something sitting at my family computer, but I will upload some pictures of my morning which started promptly around 11 am. No work means I force myself to stay asleep even if my childhood bed is less comfortable than a torture rack nowadays.

So all days should start with a breakfast of champions. Remember I’m no “Stupid Dad”. I’m neither a “Dad” or “Stupid” and I meant that I can make…

Eggs! Ahhh yes, eggs! Breakfast of Champions some may say.

Here is my little helper aka “the dog that whines the entire time I am trying to cook because she wants whatever food I’m having regardless of the fact that she has no idea what I’m cooking because she is way too short to see what is happening on the countertop”.

Once the bag of cheese is opened, two more “helpers” emerge.

Final product. And it is now in my belly. – Also disgustingly enough that is a good “That’s what she said”. I am a slave to my craft.

Outside snow beasts await.

One lurks at the bottom of the steps anticipating my every move.

The Wilderness!

The Grill!

The snow fights back against this little tyrant. It is trying to consume her – assimilate her. It begins with the legs and is slowly turning her into an ice statue like in Narnia, obviously.

She is the snow’s greatest foe. She consumes the snow like an insatiable goliath.

She stalks me as I shovel waiting to pounce on every clump of snow that I throw into the air. There is problems in this plan. She has little patience like her master and in that her impatience causes her to lunge to quickly when the snow has yet to be released from thy shovel and then she gets clipped by the shovel. Her appetite for snow makes me a dog beater.

Hold

HOLD

I said HOLD!

ATTACK FOR SCOTLAND! KILL THE BRITISH SNOW! FOR FFFFRRRRREEEEEDDDDDOOOOOMMMMM!!!!!

My handiwork. The first dog won’t be on the snow nor will she walk through it, so this is her piss and poop path.

And clean steps! I know what a miraculous creature I am. Eggs and shoveling! And then eloquent words!

I did lose electricity for a couple hours. It is back now. The snow is coming down at least 2 inches an hour, am I right? Everything I shoveled is easily covered by half a foot of snow by now. Go me.

Advertisements

31 Responses to “The North East of the U.S.A. is CLOSED due to SNOW”

  1. tiffanized said

    The flower on your breakfast plate was a nice touch, Emeril.

    Tell me, what did Mother Swidge say about you needing photographic evidence of your travails? Did you tell her that you have an army of women slavering to hear the details of your body glistening with post-shovel sweat? That we are right now triangulating your location using your pictures and Google Earth?

  2. A mere 15 mins ago I was reveling in my feeling of superiority because I was enjoying my snow day in my little corner of New Jersey for the most part. I’m at my own place, sans parents. I slept until 10:30 with no need to get up and shovel because that’s what landlords are for. I have power, meaning I’ve spent most of my morning listening to music (Them Crooked Vultures, The Dead Weather, and The Black Keys for those curious) and catching up on missed episodes of Modern Family.

    And then? Then you update. I’m prepared to continue feelings sympathetic for you until I see you’re spending your snow day FROLICKING with SEVERAL adorable dogs and NOW I HATE YOU. My snow day has no furry friends. My snow day actually doesn’t have anyone but me. And now I’m bored and alone. Jerk.

  3. UnoriginalScreenName said

    I too am in the same boat as you. Stuck at home because of the weather and shoveling snow which will no doubt be thrown back into it’s original spot by very inconsiderate snow plowers.

    Yes, I’m stuck at home with my father, but he’s good company. And just as I am typing now, I hear my mother coming through the door. Oh fucking joy.

    I dont have any furry friends either so I’m going to have to agree with HeyyyBrother and call you a jerk.

    And another thing, while your cooking skills are impressive, I have a feeling I’d kick your ass in that arena. Just saying.

  4. Zees84 said

    I’m curious if the family dinner is a regular event, or if it was planned after the forecast called for a blizzard. If the latter, I have major respect for the Swidge Srs., because they totally played you into shovelling their snow for them.

  5. susanelle said

    Mmmm, I’m glad there was cheese in those eggs.

    What did you think of Braveheart? I’m guessing there wasn’t enough gory fighting in it for you.

    • AmyAlmost said

      Doesn’t every man love braveheart? Like that other one they all love… Russell Crowe is that guy. Gladiator. That’s it.

      • susanelle said

        Actually, I loved Braveheart and Gladiator… I love it when the good guys trounce the bad guys, love it, never get tired of it, and those British and Romans were the most fucking deserving bad guys.

        But I don’t need the high level of gore of a Braveheart… I just want the bad guys to go down with a surprised look on their faces… I don’t need to see their eyeballs dangling or their entrails dripping from the wall or whatever.

    • Forgetful Lucy said

      Scrambled eggs must have cheese, it’s the law.

  6. AmyAlmost said

    I think I hate you. Oh snow days with dogs and shovelling snow. Eff snow. Days. No one gives you a day off when your reach temperatures of 45 ºC (113 ºF) with 90% humidity and no promise of rain.

    • Crystal said

      I completely agree. It’s unfair. It gets to be a freaking SAUNA here in summer. Do we get days off? Nope.

    • cledbo said

      You just almost described my current weather state, except it isn’t quite 45 degrees. Yet. My hair is simultaneously flat and frizzy from walking around in soup/the air outside.

  7. HAHAHA… ha… wow. I hope you weren’t coming here for sympathy. No less than two comments stating we hate you. Harsh.

    I’ll apologize. Sorry, I don’t actually hate you. I was just jealous of your dogs and you made me miss my dog which ZOMG!1!! isn’t he so cute?!

    Plus Zees brought up a good point, which is that you went to your parents place for a dinner knowing full well a blizzard was on it’s way. That’s sort of like a total Golden Child thing to do. So… I take it back. You’re nice or whatever.

  8. Forgetful Lucy said

    Ohmygod, I love this so much.
    Earlier today when I was so sad panda for you, I was going to suggest you could give us a photo tour of your childhood bedroom to keep you busy. But then I thought that might some how make me seem weird and pervy, can’t have that now can we. And I wanted pictures of the Snowmaggedon keeping us from our KSWI post. I was also hoping for photographic evidence of you breaking down and wearing the Snuggie to keep warm.

    Your doggies are so cute. I was going to make a pervy Weiner dog joke, but that is just crossing the line.

    Snow Day!

  9. kt said

    I live in Florida. I do not understand this thing you call snow. Seriously, I don’t. I’ve never seen snow. Ok well I saw snow flurries 2 years ago in Atlanta, and it was really effin cool and simultaneously pathetic that a 21 year old (at the time) got that excited about seeing snow. The only comments I had about it are: 1.
    It wasnt that cold, the weatherman said it was really cold, but apparently it is true that Florida’s 30 is colder than a regular 30 degrees. I don’t get it. 2. Snow is really really quiet and that was fascinating.

    • kt said

      Also, to make my snow ignorance point even more… that doesn’t look like that much snow to me… That is like the perfect amount for a good Christmas scene in a movie, not a shutting down the whole northeast amount. I just would have thought it would take alot more than that to be shutting things down. I’m imagining snow drifts blocking in front doors type of snow before things shut down.

  10. Zees84 said

    I would love to read your thoughts on John Mayer’s recent revelations and phrasing in Playboy Magazine.

  11. Lala said

    I can’t say anything about the weather because I’m in Brazil and it’s summer here. Your furry friends, though, are really cute. The first one is exactly like mine and he is always trying to help in the kitchen too.

  12. Raven said

    This post was adorable. Manual labor, cooking and written eloquence? You are going to make some good little girl (and her mother) so very happy. Stay warm and dry, or whatever it is you need to do in that much snow.

  13. Crystal said

    Uh. I’m so jealous. I want pretty snow. We might be getting some ice tomorrow, that’s as good as it gets in Texas. Lame.

    That breakfast looked delicious. I’m starving.

    Good job on the shoveling.

    Your puppies are cute.

    The end.

  14. Amy D said

    Love the pictures with the post. I have 2 feline “helpers” that emerge when anything from the kitchen opens. Including cupboard doors. I wonder how many years it will take them to realize they will never eat people food??

    • tiffanized said

      I have a guinea pig that loses his shit everytime a plastic bag rustles. I think I once gave him a carrot out of a plastic bag, and in his little rodent brain, plastic = noms. I carry reusable grocery bags, but it’s not for the environment so much as to avoid the incredible squeeing that happens when a plastic bag makes it into my home.

  15. cledbo said

    I like how snow makes everything look like a pseudo wedding cake.
    Though I wouldn’t want to shovel it.
    The most I ever had to do was pour water on my windscreen in the morning when it was iced over. Never pour cold then hot, unless you want to crack someone’s windscreen. Teehee.

    Also, wtf is up with your styrofoam-packaged eggies? The only styrofoam that still exists in Australia are those deadly coffee cups. We don’t even have plastic shopping bags any more. America is still a throwback to simpler, pollutin’-er times, I see!

    Tiff – I’d sure like to triangulate your position with The Google*. And # for good measure.

    Winter Wonderland? Here is how I like my January. Now you can hate on me instead of the KSWIJ if you want HB 🙂

    • Damnit, Cledbo. You’re lucky that picture doesn’t feature a Golden Retriever bouncing happily around, or I really would have to hate you.

      Beach sounds nice right about now… Though not if it’s 113 degrees. I think I’d take another blizzard if given the choice. I’m not a hot weather person. New Jersey in August is about as hot as I like to go. Plus humidity is the bane of my existence, my hair’s in particular.

  16. cledbo said

    In case anyone cared, I was on a plane yesterday, so I couldn’t join in wonky-comment-a-rama again.

    I did drink 3/4 of a bottle of wine though, so I was representing drunk common-taters of the KSWI. Word.

  17. Cristalena said

    the contents of this blog is seeping into my brain!
    reading through the post and scrolling through the pictures i couldn’t help but think about how much the warrior dog wants it.

    seriously in every single picture.

    • Cristalena said

      also i’m a little jealous of your snow day. The only snow i’ve ever seen is in movies and pictures much like those above. I is sads.

  18. MLF said

    ZOMG!!! PUPPIES!!! AND EGGS!!! both things I love. I am so sad I am just now realizing you posted this. Because it makes me want eggs sooo fucking bad! And I can’t have any right now unless I go out and it’s kind of the middle of the night and also really cold…for FL anyway.

    Also I have been and will most likely continue laughing for hours at the “helpers” and snow’s greatest foe/ insatiable Goliath lines. Which I read the first time as “insatiable goldfish” and have been laughing ever since.

  19. newtonandyorkiehavethebestlinesEVER said

    hey jordan miss your blog!

    i hope you break free soon. from your parent’s house, of course.

    have a nice weekend.

    CARNAVAAAAAAAAAAL!

  20. aneira said

    snow storm AND an earthquake, and i still have school. i hate chicago.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: