Turn The Lights Down Low – It Is Going To Get Romantic

February 15, 2010

Pancakes are the most intimate of cakes. If you are eating pancakes with someone then you are subconsciously saying, “I am comfortable napping with this person or in front of this person.” Pancakes are nature’s sleeping pill. And by “nature”, I mean “diners”. Pancakes are arguably the worst food in the world to start your day off with. I’m not sure at all how pancakes became a breakfast food. After eating pancakes one can only compete in the following activity and that is lethargy.

The following hours after eating pancakes typically are dominated by lying around. Whether it is on a couch, bed, or floor. If you and another person are eating pancakes together then you two have made a social contract to not engage in any strenuous activity for the next 2 – 6 hours. If you eat pancakes while the person you are with eats anything, but discs of cake covered in syrup then you are making a statement about your relationship. You are not worried about this person taking advantage of you.

The old line about “taking candy from a baby” should really be “taking anything from a person who ate pancakes in the past several hours”. If you try to take candy from a baby it will result in crying and screaming. At best, a person who just ate pancakes will softly groan as air barely escapes their cake filled wind pipe and maybe they’ll shed a single tear of maple syrup. That’s about it.

So, I guess my word of advice would be – ladies never leave your drinks unattended at a bar or party. Some creep may try to slip a drug in there. And if you go to a diner late night with some guy you’ve just met DON’T ORDER PANCAKES! It may seem like a good idea. Oh it will soak up the booze. It will also soak up any and all energy you have to fend yourself from this creep who took you to a diner.

I’m betting 15 minutes ago you didn’t think there was a link between pancakes and date rape. But now, forever your life is changed.

Happy Valentine’s Day! I thought in the great waning shadow of Valentine’s Day, I would discuss one of the most romantic songs ever to be penned. At some point, I imagine I will get married. And I’m not overly concerned about what color dresses the bride’s maids should wear (purple) or what entree should be served (porterhouses for everyone) or what the wedding cake should be (a 7-tier cake with white frosting and GI Joe action figures strategically placed to look like they are climbing it), but I will be concerned with one major element: the music.

In my head, I imagine the wedding to be more or less a glorified black-tie karaoke event controlled by my iPod. From Violent Femmes’ “Add It Up” to Johnny Cash’s “Boy Named Sue” to Marvin Gaye’s “Let’s Get It On” to Tupac’s “Changes” to Iron Maiden’s “Thin Line Between Love and Hate”. Amongst all that beauty, there will be one solemn moment when we all recognize a simple song, nay a poem. A poem about love. You probably have guessed by now, I am referring to “All I Need” by Method Man.

M-E-T-H-O-D MAN! M-E-T-H-O-D MAN! M-E-T-H-O-D MAN!

It was the winter of 1994 and the world was poised to enter the New Year as a society of bitter and angry people. One man decided that he would bare his soul to the world in rhyme. That man was the Method Man. On his debut album, Tical, Method Man showed his softer side in a jingle about love for his lady.

Many may remember the song better when it was remixed with Mary J. Blige. I’m not going to worry about that version. They are similar, but the intro and outro to them leads to some concern that the woman who has stolen Method Man’s heart is a Ms. Mary Jane. If you don’t remember the intro/outro, for the most part it is him saying “cheeba” over and over again. Let’s just focus on the original love poem “All I Need” by Method Man.

You’re all that I need, I’ll be there for you
If you keep it real with me, I’ll keep it real witchu
Loving your whole schemes, it be in there boo
On top of that you got the good power-U

Firstly, awwwwww. All that Method Man needs is you. He’s just a real sweetheart. Method Man believes in a completely transparent relationship. He wants you to “keep it real” with him, meaning honesty, and in kind he will be honest “witchu”. Method Man really is not asking for the world here. He is a pragmatist. He wants honesty from his lady.

I won’t lie. I have little to no clue what good “power-U” is. Well that is a lie. I know exactly what he means, but seriously? Should I? I don’t want to sound reverse racist here, but I would bet that if Method Man, especially from 1994, saw me, either now or when I was 11 in 1994, he would guess that the “power-U” metaphor was going over my head. I just want to make sure everyone is on the same page here. How do I write this delicately? Ummmm… it’s the pussy.

Method Man is not only expressing in this reoccurring chorus that he wants to have an honest and open relationship where discussion is the cornerstone, Method also believes you have good pussy. He’s a charmer alright.

Verse One:

Shorty I’m there for you anytime you need me
For real girl, it’s me in your world, believe me
Nuttin’ make a man feel better than a woman

All pretty self explanatory. Method Man loves you and he is there for you. It is not “will he be there”, but BOOM he is already there. And “nuttin” does make a man feel better than the love of a woman, except for the love of two women. I’m just saying, if we’re being perfectly honest here Method Man, two is better than one. Three could be better than two. Four is just getting tacky.

Queen with a crown that be down for whatever

Anal? Two chicks?

There are few things that’s forever, my lady

Herpes. Taxes. The chorus to “Tonight’s gonna be a good night. Tonight’s gonna be a good good night.”

We can make war or make babies

Babies. I’m choosing babies. Unless we can combine the two make “war babies” that fight in “baby wars”. Oh my God they would be the most adorable wars ever. Outside of “puppy wars”.

Back when I was nuttin’
You made a brother feel like he was something
That’s why I’m with you to this day boo no frontin

Even when the skies were gray
You would rub me on my back and say “Baby it’ll be okay”
Now that’s real to a brother like me baby

Loyalty. Method Man understands and appreciates the loyalty of a good woman. Even though he is famous and making money now, there was a time when Method Man was just another broke guy in New York City. And for whatever reason, you decided to date a broke guy. I’m not saying it was a good decision back then. It obviously has worked out well considering Method Man is rich now. Nevertheless, you stood by Method Man during the troubling times. Not only that, but you gave him back rubs and motivational pep talks. That is just beyond the call of duty right there.

Method Man may be a tough grimey motherfucker from the STREETZ, but no one is above a nice back rub and some encouraging words. It’s just one of those simple joys in life.

Never ever give my pussy away and keep it tight aight

And back to the pussy talk. So this time, Method was not nearly as creative with covering the issue of you and your pussy. Maybe Method wasn’t sure if you understood how much this relationship is based around your “power-U” because that line was a tad confusing. So the “cat” is out of the bag on this one. Method Man is blunt: don’t give your pussy away. Actually, scratch that*. If you are in a relationship with Method Man your pussy magically becomes his pussy. It doesn’t leave your body. The “power-U” literally stays where it is, but it is now under new management. It’s as if new Congressional district lines were drawn up in the State legislature.

Also, keep it tight. That I have little advice for.

I consider myself I learned man. I take great solace in answering questions. Enjoy learning answers for the sake of myself and especially for others. I believe in… oh fuck it. Kegel. I’m just going to say it: Kegel exercises. I really don’t know too much about them, but what I do know is that it is supposed to strengthen the “down there” muscles. So, I guess add them into your workout routine. Or Method Man will be furious.

And I’ma walk these dogs so we can live
In a fat ass crib with thousands of kids

Method Man doesn’t mean literal “dogs”. He is not one of those crazy dog walkers you see generally in cities. A person with a whole mess of dogs with an even bigger mess of leashes all tied together in some unfortunate knot. I pity those people.

Anyway, Method means he is going to go out and work whichever way he can to make money to support the both of you. And your thousands of kids. Kegel exercises are also beneficial prior to giving birth. They actually help for the birthing of your soon to be thousands of births. You might want to strike up a deal with the nearest hospital for an express lane because it seems like every 9 months you’ll be in there – pooping out a kid.

Method Man wants an honest relationship. He also wants to have condom-less sex in your “power-U” and make you into a baby making factory.

Word life you don’t need a ring to be my wife
Just be there for me I’m a make sure we
Be livin in the fucking lap of luxury
I’m realizing that cha didn’t have to fuck with me
But cha did now I’m going all out kid
And I got mad love to give, you my nigga

It’s just so sweet I could cry. Method Man’s got mad love to give you – “his nigga”. How can anyone be cynical when there is this type of romantic poetry being made in this modern day and age? Technology didn’t turn Method Man cold. He is in touch with his feelings.

Also, I agree that a woman doesn’t need a ring to be a wife. I mean seriously, are you that hard up for a conflict diamond? Do you really want to mark our holy marriage with the blood diamonds of African genocides? Also, them shits are expensive. Can’t we just buy like ten TVs or a Lexus? I think that makes a lot more sense.

You’re all that I need, I’ll be there for you
If you keep it real with me, I’ll keep it real witchu
Loving your whole schemes, it be in there boo
On top of that you got the good power-U

Honesty. Good pussy. Cornerstones.

Verse Two:

I got a love jonz for your body and your skin tone
Five minutes alone I’m already on the bone

Ok, ok. Oh kay. Wow. Method Man has lost some of his subtlety since the beginning of the song. I mean he does love you. He has been talking about how strong you are, how loyal you are, and how you got this thing in your pants that is just driving him bananas. He would climb the Great Wall of China for your “power-U”. After referencing it a few times, he is getting himself all excited and he can’t hold back his feelings. He wants to do you. Like now. Or at the very latest, 5 minutes from now.

Plus I love the fact you got a mind of your own

Clearly.

Method Man doesn’t want you to forget that he does love that personality of yours. You crack Method Man up with your jokes. He just loves how your brain ticks.

No need to shop around you got the good shit at home

But you also got the good pussy. Don’t forget that. Do those exercises we were talking about earlier. I don’t want to put any more weight on your already sturdy “power-U” shoulders, but if you don’t keep it “tight, aight” then Method Man may stray. And by “stray” I mean cheat. And by “may” I mean he will. It is all on you. You and your pussy. If you can keep it together how it is right this second, even after thousands of kids, then Method Man has no need for strip clubs, hookers, skanks (other white girls or white girls in general if you are reading this and are not white).

Remember, if Method Man cheats on you then it is your fault. He told you what would stop him from cheating. And you fucked it up.

Even if I’m locked up North you in the world
Rockin three-fourths of cloth never showin your stuff off, boo

Yeah, Method Man may go to jail at some point when you are married. That is a real possibility. A very real possibility. Method Man is not being hyperbolic about the rough times a marriage could face. He is talking about the really real, probably going to happen sooner than later, times that could happen if you are married to Method Man.

I may be wrong, but I assume the second sentence is about you not dressing like a slut when Method Man is in prison. That would be a little classless of you, I’m not going to lie. Marriage is binding and it stays binding even in long term jail cells. So, how about you keep your “power-U” in your pants while Method is serving 3-5, aight? Remember he married you for your brain. How about you just show off your brain instead of your cleavage, ok? Just trifling.

It be true me for you that’s how it is
I can be your Noah you can be my Wiz
Then I can be your Sun, you can be my Earth
Resurrect the God through birth
Best believe

I had to look up what “Noah” and the “Wiz” were. Google multiplied by Wikipedia told me that it is a reference to this book called The Bible. “Wiz” is short for “wisdom” and Noah is short for “that guy with the boat”. I’m not going to say that this metaphor worked, but I’ll give Method Man credit for trying.

The Sun and Earth line is a little more straight forward. I’m guessing he is referring to the idea that the Sun keeps the Earth alive with its heat and light. Also, one could say this is another metaphor for the baby making factory you will become as Method Man’s wife. Imagine yourself as the Earth: a fertile mass that is ready, willing and able to breed life. Imagine Method Man as the Sun. His heat and light is Method Man’s sperm spraying all over you day and night (because the Sun doesn’t really go away, it is just the Earth turning its back to the Sun and another part of the Earth is exposed*).

And the last two lines signify that Method Man believes one of your babies will in fact be the Messiah or Jesus Christ, depending if you believe Jesus was the Messiah. That’s good news, right?

And then the chorus is sung a couple more times.

In conclusion, Method Man is a romantic. Method Man is also a man of simple tastes. He is not asking for too much. He doesn’t expect his wife to work or speak two languages or to have read the classics or to share his favorite dessert. Method Man believes in individuality. Method Man loves you for you and your “power-U”. And all he wants is for you to honest with him and that one of your many pregnancies will result in the birth of the holy one who will deliver all of humanity to the Promised Land.

And to not dress like a slut when he goes to jail. That’s not so bad.

It’s just all so romantic.

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22 Responses to “Turn The Lights Down Low – It Is Going To Get Romantic”

  1. PWG said

    I . . . um, well, okay. If I’d been thinking to myself, “Self, I wonder what universal truth Kay Swidge is going to reveal to me today,” I might not have picked “advice on tightening my pussy muscles, as interpreted through Method Man.”

  2. I guess it’s just not going to work out with me and Method Man. I’m not into this Duggar-style family he’s looking for, especially since we both know I’m going to be raising those kids on my own while he serves time.

    Also, I do think a wedding ring is necessary, if for no other reason than it decreases the chances some random man will try to force-feed me pancakes and have his way with me. Obviously Method Man isn’t as concerned about the well-being of me and my “power-U” if he won’t even spring for a cubic zirconia.

    • kt said

      Woah where did the purple zoot suit come from? I thought it was purple bridesmaid dresses.

      • PWG said

        I extrapolated.
        I mean, I really extrapolated, to the point where I mentally had Dawgz in that suit standing under the chuppah with Jordan. Only I don’t know what Dawgz looks like, so I wavered between a white headmask with a question mark on it, and a Watchmen Rorschach-type mask. The monkey/collie picture is for the races I anticipate at the reception. When you meet that special woman, Jordan, call me. I will totally plan an awesome wedding for you. If your bride-to-be isn’t cool with that, I think you picked the wrong lass.

      • If/when I get married, I would like to hire you for the bachelorette party. To plan it, I mean. If you want to take your clothes off at some point during the night for money, that’s your call. I’ll do anything but discourage that.

      • PWG said

        Depends, how much will I have to pay?

    • tiffanized said

      That’s my James Bond cake. I’m functioning with only an iPhone in this Meeting that Time Forgot and didn’t see it earlier.

  3. kt said

    When I read “I can be your Noah you can be my Wiz”, I honestly thought he was talking about the movie The Wiz. That doesn’t make sense with the Noah part because I don’t think there is a Noah in that movie but I think it makes more sense than “Wiz” meaning wisdom. Why would it be capitalized?

    GI Joe action figures on a cake would be epic.

  4. Lala said

    Well, you did say today’s post would be romantic. A beautiful song that shows how a guy likes you and your “power-U” and the link between pancakes and date rapes. Yeah, definitely romantic.

  5. Cristalena said

    i honestly forgot that Method Man was a rapper at some point.
    i only remember him as the bellboy in Garden State and that show he had with Red Man on Fox.

    or was that show in my head?

  6. Crystal said

    Now I want some pancakes…but not so I’ll get raped…just because I want some pancakes.

    Okay, maybe a little bit so I’ll get raped. It’s been awhile. I mean, I’ve NEVER been raped but it’s been awhile since I got some action. You know what I meant….

    But yeah, I don’t want that many kids and I kind of need a ring too. Kegel exercises? Check.

  7. Susanelle said

    You skillfully merged Valentine’s and Fat Tuesday… but what about Presidents Day???

  8. tiffanized said

    There are so many things I want to say. I’m in a work meeting and can only make a few very important statements:

    1. Tight pussies and birthing thousands of kids are incongruent desires. I Kegel every day (usually to the tune of “Big Pimpin'”) and I’m still only just staying ahead of the battle after having only two children.
    2. There is a picture of a cake out there with little tuxedo clad agents climbing all over it, the white icing marred in places with tiny bomb explosions and gunpowder. You can google it now or I can post a picture of it later because it is FUCKING AWESOME. I’d get married again only if I have that cake.

    My meeting is starting again. Remind me to tell you the conversation I had about squeezing the lemon and diddling the peanut; it is shockingly relevant to today’s KSWI festivities.

  9. aneira said

    how you think of these things only leave me to believe you are a genius.

  10. cledbo said

    I want that cake, tiff/PWG (double kudos for that epic find btw). The purple zoot suit I would pass on.

    I would almost consider going through the first Civil War in Australia that my wedding would be just to have it. Let’s just say there are more reasons than my other half’s refusal to buy me jewellery to not get married. He takes after you Jordan! But with more crazy red-neck relatives with drinking problems.

    The Wu Tang Clan could play at my fictional wedding. But only if a necromancer brings ODB back from the dead. For realz.

  11. tiffanized said

    My work meeting is over, so, ta daaa and all that.

    I have decided that this post is a legally binding invitation to your future wedding, for myself and all of your common taters. We can’t wait to meet the future Mrs. Swidge and throw her a bachelorette party. May her pussy be tight and her desire for bridal jewelry minimal.

    Confession time: I am a pancake slut. I will eat pancakes with anyone at any time. I have eaten pancakes with co-workers, strangers and men with whom I would never nap. Of course, I’ve shared pancakes in an intimate manner, but that can also be said for buttercream icing, raspberry liqueur and Magic Shell.

    • cledbo said

      I love weddings *sniff*

      Can there be elephants? Either at the wedding, or the bachelorette party. I’m easy*. The gifts should probably be various anime cosplay outfits for the future Mrs KSWIJ to waltz around the house in.
      And a heart-shaped pankake mould, of course.

  12. Freya said

    I’ve got to start my new “Method Man approved” regimen of self-improvement (including Kegels) STAT. Because I can see what a gem I’d be doing it for. When a man offers you tons of babies and a stint in prison, you don’t say no.

  13. Luce Irigaray said

    I happened to stumble upon your blog. What a hilarious post! However, despite the pictorial evidence you’ve presented and your explicitly sarcastic analysis, Method Man is still unabashedly sizzlin’ hot and I’d eat pancakes with him any day of the week.

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