Excited, Random, And I May Lose Some Of You

February 17, 2010

On Monday evening, I saw something I will never forget. It was an image, a moving image, that was so mesmerizing that it made me happy and sad. The happiness this video has caused me is nearly indescribable. If the happiness of a thing could be written as a number and the higher the number would indicate the happier this thing makes you then this number would be both incalculable and so large there is not enough space in the universe to handle all the zeros. It makes me so happy I fear it may be illegal and have fatal side effects.

It does provide me sadness as well. The sadness is from knowing that this video has been around for over 30 years and it took me until this week to see it. I am 26 years old. This video is 34 years old. That means for my entire life this video has been out there waiting to provide me an untold amount of happiness and I only saw it less than 48 hours ago. Since my initial screening of the video, I have watched it maybe 1 billion times. I need to make up for the rest of the 26 years of my life I have lived without this video. I hope I lead a long fruitful life so that I can continue to watch this video for years and years and years.

I am so excited to show you all this video. I present you:

Willie Williams fighting a bear using karate

Oh my God it is beautiful! It like watching the Sun rise! Not one Sun rise, but all of them. All of them combined. All of them in one vibrant overlapping experience where you watch the rising of the Sun from every morning in one hallelujah experience and you are bathed in the billions of years of heat and light and you can feel yourself accepting that light into you like a plant and it nourishes you!

I have to explain how this even came into my life. I loved professional wrestling as a child. I loved it like it was my older brother who taught me how to throw a baseball, taught me the 3-4 defense, taught me how to make love to a woman, taught me where the warp areas are in Mario Bros., taught me how to make love to two women, taught me the intricacies of Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, taught me the poetry of Manowar, taught me how to sound like I know what I’m talking about when drinking wine even though I have never taken a class or read a book about wine ever and many other life lessons. My undying admiration and love has waned for professional wrestling since my youth, but it has never been completely lost.

I still watch it occasionally. I tune in just to see what is happening. I still love to talk about the glory days of professional wrestling and what events I went to see. I even bought last year’s Wrestlemania pay-per-view. And on Monday night, after 24 ended, Dawgz and I turned to Monday Night RAW to see what was happening on the greatest and longest running male soap opera of all time. Nothing too spectacular was going on, but there was a video package celebrating Antonio Inoki. The video package was to show he will be inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame this year.

Dawgz did not know who Inoki was. This is understandable considering Inoki was never a big deal stateside. He was and still is huge in Japan. He is a mythical hero in Japan. But he never really made any impact in the US. In Japan, he was their Hulk Hogan pretty much. He was the main event. He fought everyone. Inoki was the face of professional wrestling in Japan for pretty much 40 years. He is also one of the main reasons for MMA’s existence and popularity in Japan. He is ridiculous! And as years went on Inoki began taking his brand of wrestling on the road. He fought several men from around the world to prove that he was the greatest fighter in the world. This predates modern MMA, but it was similar to that.

Inoki fought four men. These fights have all been debated about whether or not they were a “shoot” aka “real” or were they “worked” aka “fake”. Nevertheless, they happened. Inoki fought Akram Pahalwan, a wrestler, who was billed as the toughest man in Pakistan (my nickname in high school). He also fought Olympic Judo Gold medalist Willem Ruska. His most memorable fight was against one of the most famous human beings who has ever existed, Muhammad Ali. Yep.

Inoki fought Ali in arguably the most boring and dumbest fight of all time. In 1976, Inoki wearing wrestling trunks, boots and knee pads fought Ali who was wearing boxing gloves, trunks and boots. When the bell rang, Inoki dove to the ground and slid kicked Ali on the outside of his lead leg. Inoki then stayed on the ground for a second to see if Ali would try to fight him there. He didn’t. Inoki stood up and promptly threw the exact same kick with the exact same result. And then he did it again. And again. And again. Again, again, again, again, again until the first minute of the fight was up. Then he did it for the entire second minute and third. Finally, the first round and the awkward feeling out process were over.

The second round started and Inoki did the same motherfucking kick again for the whole round. He proceeded to do it for every round. For 15 rounds. 15! That is 15 x 3 = 45 minutes. Ali “landed” 6 punches over 45 minutes and Inoki spent the majority of the fight on his back goading Ali to fight him on the ground. The fight was ruled a draw. Ali left the ring. He did no interviews afterwards and left Japan. I don’t think he has ever talked about it. Enough with the history lesson about Inoki, the other man Inoki fought was Kyokushin Karate fighter Willie Williams.

You may remember Willie Williams from the video WHERE HE IS FIGHTING A BEAR earlier in the post. I have only seen the fight of Inoki vs. Ali and had never bothered to seek out the videos for the other fights. But I looked up the names of who Inoki fought to tell Dawgz them, outside of Ali, and I saw Willie Williams’ name and thought “I need to know more about a man named Willie Williams”. And it was an excellent life changing decision. I typed his name into Google plus the words “kyokushin karate” and the majority of the articles were about one thing: Willie Williams fought a bear!

A FUCKING BEAR!

The video is from 1976 and was apart of a Japanese documentary about the wonders of Kyokushin Karate. That sounds reasonable. I have no further knowledge of where the segment idea came from though. How fucking brilliant is it though? Just imagine you are making a documentary about a particular form of karate. You are in the middle of a brainstorming session about what should be in the movie. How about we do a segment on the origins of Kyokushin? Good idea. How about we do interviews with current Kyokushin fighters? Warm. We should visit a few dojos and see people learning Kyokushin first hand. Warmer. How about some demonstrations of the art of Kyokushin Karate? Hot. How about we get Willie Williams to fight a bear? NUCLEAR! FUCKING NUCLEAR! WOOOOH!

That has got to be the greatest idea for a video ever. I don’t care what the subject matter is; Willie Williams fighting a bear in that documentary makes that the greatest documentary ever. An Inconvenient Truth? More like An Inconvenient Waste of My Time! Yeah, I get it. I should recycle. Guess what? I already do. Ehhh, what? Did you say there is a scene in the Al Gore documentary about the decline of our environment where Willie Williams fights a bear using karate!?! GREATEST MOVIE EVER! So let’s discuss debatably the greatest moment in both man and bear history to ever be filmed.

Willie Williams is a large man. Willie Williams is also crazy. Willie Williams was born in North Carolina in 1951 and is 6’7” and 230 pounds. That bear is 8 feet tall and 750 pounds. I first want to discuss people who are already skeptical. Listen, I love animals. I love them. I love them as furry things that I want to pet. And there are a bunch that I want to eat as well. But I love animals and I hate the idea of animal cruelty. But I love this fucking video because this is not animal cruelty. Willie Williams is fighting that bear with no weapons. For Christ’s sake, the man doesn’t even have a shirt on!

That is a fair fight. That bear weighs way more than Willie and is taller than him. And seriously, it is a fucking BEAR! It’s a damn bear. Bears can take a punch. Bears can take punches from other BEARS! Let alone Willie Williams. That bear thinks it is just wrestling and screwing around with another bear. But it is not a bear. It is Willie Williams!  

Nothing against Sir Willie Williams, but he is not going to knock out a bear with a punch. Have you ever seen a bear’s skull? Willie is lucky he doesn’t break both of his hands on that bear’s head. Willie also throws kicks which is the funniest thing in the world. He throws a body kick to the bear. Bears don’t feel body kicks! I’m not saying the bear loves getting hit in the side or anything, but seriously it is a fucking BEAR! If you wanted to describe a huge unstoppable wrecking machine of a man you would call him a “bear” and it just so happens this is an ACTUAL BEAR! Also, Willie attempts to put the bear in a headlock. That bear’s neck is thicker than Willie’s whole body. Willie can’t choke out a bear. It is a BEAR!

The music in the background is simply awe inspiring. I don’t speak Japanese, but I do hear them say “karate” at some point, so I’m guessing the song is about karate. I can only hope the lyrics mention the fact that if you are listening to this song then you are more than likely watching WILLIE WILLIAMS FIGHTING A BEAR! It is just the craziest funny video.

When the video starts you see Willie Williams practicing karate. The you see Willie Williams on a beach making funny faces. Then you see a bear and then back to Willie. You’re probably thinking did I just see a bear? What the fuck is this supposed to be a metaphor? Then Willie then the bear. Then Willie is in the same grass that the bear is in. At this moment you’re thinking, there is no fucking way this guy is going to fight this bear. Then Willie gets a pep talk from an elderly Japanese man as we all should before going into an interspecies battle. He takes his shirt off and gives it to the Japanese man. Oh shit. It’s going down. Then you see the bear and then maybe the funniest thing of all time happens:

Willie Williams circles in on the bear, to meet him face to face, and then delivers a punch to the solar plexus!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

That is the watershed moment to end all watershed moments! Willie Williams goes from being just any other large black guy on the planet to then being involved in a fist fight with a BEAR! That is just not a decision that just anyone makes ever.

Who punches a bear in the chest!?! It is insane! You’re not going to “knock the wind” out of a bear. He then continues a hand-to-hand fight strategy against a bear as if it is a man in a bear costume and not an actual BEAR! Willie is all offense. He has no time for defense. He just goes after that bear as if this was a sudden death overtime round. He brings the fight to the bear: standing, on the ground, kicking, punching, choking. It is too funny. Meanwhile, the bear is biting his arms, mouthing at his head, clawing his back (sounds like some of you ladies in bed, am I right?). It is a man versus a bear!

I just rewatched the video again and it is the funniest fucking thing. Willie on the beach, Willie’s head nod right before he runs over to the bear like “yep, I’ll remember to stick and move old Japanese man as I attempt to fist fight a BEAR!”, when the bear knocks him down the first time, the moment when the bear has Willie on the ground and you think you’re about to see Willie get eaten alive!

I know people will think this is disturbing or cruel or whatever, but seriously it is a damn BEAR! Willie isn’t punting a gaggle of baby geese. He is fighting a bear! With his hands! With the Kyokushin Karate that God taught him! Willie is not hurting that bear. To be perfectly honest he does pull some of his punches even though he doesn’t have to because it is a BEAR. You can see Willie is even smiling at points and you can’t deny that that bear is having fun. That bear thinks this is a game and it reality it is. It is just entertainment. It is hands down a trained bear, but it is a bear. No bears are completely trained. Either way, it is still wildly reckless to wrestle or fight a bear of any kind.

In conclusion, I believe Willie Williams should be elected to the Hall of Fame of something. And I want this video to be played and maybe reenacted at my wedding which will also feature “Gods of Metal” by Manowar and “All I Need” by Method Man. Also, if women are in need of a sperm donor outside of myself, Michael Jordan or Julio Iglesias then Willie Williams should be your next candidate.

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47 Responses to “Excited, Random, And I May Lose Some Of You”

  1. Susanelle said

    Aw, that was “worked”! Because if that bear was not on salary then W. Williams would have been shredded wheat at the 50-second mark.

    Also, was that another bear doing the filming????

    Finally: dude runs like a girl at the end (I mean “with a girl’s blender legs,” not “with a girl’s cowardice.”)

    • Amy D said

      It was totally a Hollywood bear, perhaps after a shot of valium or eight. I’ve seen bears play fighting more agressively than this.

      • Susanelle said

        LOL. It’s true. That bear thought this was just the table read.

      • MLF said

        I want to snuggle a drugged bear sooo bad. well not necesarily a drugged one, I would also want to snuggle a sober one but I feel like that would most likely lead to a potential mauling. so drugged works too.

  2. PWG said

    Willie Williams is a bigger douche than John Mayer. There, I said it. I know he’s your new mancrush and all, but stop punching bears, Willie. What are you, some random John Irving character working out your sexual and familial issues through bear karate? Actually that sounds like a legit Irving plot.

    I was rooting for the bear the whole time. I wanted to see the backup plan, for when/if the trained bear decided not to follow the script. What are they going to do at that point, send a ninja army in there to pull the bear off Willie? Shoot it with a tranq, possibly hitting Willie and injecting him with enough bear meds to put him to sleep until Idiocracy comes true?

  3. PWG said

    There’s a series of kids’ books and TV shows called “Who Would Win?” and it pits all sorts of creatures against each other. You can find them on YouTube. Grizzly vs. polar bear, white shark vs. orca, lion vs. tiger, etc. When you marry Christina Hendricks (you’ll need to fight her husband to the death first, get on that) and the two of you have a litter of children, I’ll buy you that set of books so you can pretend you’re reading them “for the kids.”

    First they talk about how the creatures don’t live near each other or anything and so couldn’t fight unless there was a terrible breach of zoo security (which happens ALL the time – stories for another day) and then they go right into the fight card. How tall, how heavy, what kind of teeth/claws, etc. Then they set up some random Madagascar scenario where zoo transport boxes fly off a cargo ship or something, and introduce the two animals to each other.

    Sounds great, but half the time they puss out and throw in something random: “Oh, the polar bear gets tired and decides to stop fighting, so the grizzly wins – but next time, it could go the other way!!”

    I am a fan of Celebrity Deathmatch, which is hysterical.

  4. I can’t see the video because my work frequently cockblocks my fun. And by that I mean youtube is a no-no and stalking facebook during work hours is off limits. I’m counting down the days until they recognize KSWI as the perv convention that it is…

    Until I can watch this at home, I will envision a man in a glittering unitard fighting a panda. Because I can.

  5. PWG said

    I always root for the animal, unless it’s fighting a small child or it’s a chimp. I was happy for Tatiana, the sometimes-interactive tiger exhibit at the San Francisco zoo. Sure, they shot her in the end, but what a way for a zoo tiger to go out! Otherwise you figure she just gets old and feeble sitting in an enclosure ever day with irritating zoo patrons throwing Cheetos at her. Instead she went out in a blaze of man-eating glory. Chimps are horrifying sadistic demons though. They can be all “tame” and “domestic” for 20 years, then suddenly rip off your testicles and eat them in front of you. Which fortunately or unfortunately you can’t see because they’ve already gouged your eyes out. Gahhh chimps.

    • Most of the time the people are asking for it. Like that idiot who jumped into the polar bear enclosure at the Berlin Zoo. I’ve never been a casual observer at a mauling, so I can’t say for sure what my reaction would be when faced with that situation in the real world, but I’d be lying if I told you I wasn’t secretly rooting for the bears. And no, that’s not heartless. I like to consider myself Team Darwin.

      • MLF said

        I actually have been a casual observer at a monkey mauling (the monkeys were mauling a human, not the other way around) and it was not cool. I can never go to Lion Country Safari ever ever EVER again. I am scared for life. and I fucking hate monkeys and chimps because of it so in that instance I would be rooting for the human.

        BUT the bear was cute. and I would have been rooting for it if I had watched the video but I didn’t. whoops.

      • tiffanized said

        I was once the not so casual target of a chicken mauling.

      • MLF said

        I am not suprised. Chickens can be quite viscious, but I am wondering why you were a not so casual target, as in they targeted and went after you on purpose?

      • tiffanized said

        Yes. The chickens were plotting. It all felt quite deliberate.

    • PWG said

      Yeah, now I’m thinking of all the instances where I’d root for the human. Like the presa canario debacle, also in San Francisco, where the crazy attorney couple adopted an Aryan prison inmate who was their age and his dogs chewed an innocent woman to death. Okay, there I’d have rooted for her.

      But there are plenty of cases of Darwinism where people approach wild animals for idiotic reasons. http://www.bear.org has wonderful stories of unitards** putting honey on their kids’ faces for bears to lick off. I’m firmly in Team Bear camp there.

      **unitards in this case are people who are singularly retarded.

  6. Lala said

    I was not going to watch the video. At first I kept reading the post and ignored the video, but then you were so excited about the whole fighting that I was like “ok, let’s watch the damn video.” There was a guy fighting a bear. That’s it. For three minutes there’s a crazy guy fighting a trained bear. Why would somebody do that?

  7. tiffanized said

    This is some fucked up, repugnant shit.

    1. That bear seems totally perplexed as to why this guy is fucking with him. Of the two, I’d say the bear has a higher IQ and a better handle on reality.
    2. The bear is at a distinct disadvantage because he is naked. Could they not have provided him with a pair of trunks, a unitard, or a singlet of some sort?
    3. I like that they filmed it in a field to make it look like they just ran across this bear and decided to have Willie fight it. This happens to me a lot. Deer on the road? I’m wrestling that bitch to the ground. It’s just that I’m a bigger person and don’t feel the need to capture the moment forever on video.

    The only way this would be worse is if the bear was dead. And Willie were having sex with it. If only there was a term, a word I could use to describe a person having sex with a dead animal . . .

  8. Do you think Willie calculated how long he could survive after kicking a bear in the balls? I’d only last 23 seconds, which isn’t surprising since kung fu doesn’t even fall into the top 30 things I’m good at.

    But that time frame doesn’t take into consideration brain power. I’m nothing if not cunning (get your head out of your pants, there’s no T in there), so I would totally use one of the many Things Bears Love to distract it while I run swiftly away downhill. Let it be known that I’d have no problem sacrificing a Girl Scout if it means saving my own ass.

    • Oh COME ON with the html, already.

      Go take the quiz and ignore my idiocy: http://theoatmeal.com/quiz/bear_balls

      • MLF said

        ok. not only are you my hero you are also my most favorite person ever. just to make sure we’re all clear on how much I love and adore you.

      • You’re my own personal cheerleader. This must be what it’s like to be Jordan, but on a much much smaller scale since there’s only one of you stroking my ego* and you’re not technically offering sexual favors. But it is the best thing ever. Better than bear-man fights, I dare say. I wish I could get a teacup version of you and carry you around in a tacky little purse so that I may be praised all day every day for my lunacy genius.

        Your kind words improved my lame day. I wore a dress and heels today because I felt like it. Which is something I do at least every other week. Except it seems my coworkers have the memory of a gerbil plagued with A.D.D. and no access to Ritalin, because they make a big deal out of it every time. I get “ooo are you trying to impress a boy?” and “got a hot date tonight?” every.single.time. None of the above, actually. But thanks for the depressing reminder, I guess. Having to justify why you might want to look “cute” for a day is exhausting and frustrating, believe it or not. Whatever, these heels make me 6’2″ and I will stomp a bitch if need be.

        Anyway, thanks. You’re the best.

      • Amy D said

        37 seconds.

      • MLF said

        who said I’m not offering sexual favors??

        I’m offering sexual favors. Infact I’m pretty sure the cornerstone of a successful marriage is a healthy sex life so sexual favors should really be mandatory.

        Also I am 6’2″ as well if I wear my 4 in. heels and will stomp on bitches with you. well actually that’s a lie..I would feel bad about stepping on people but I will incapacitate them for you somehow and then you can stomp on them freely and I will cheer you on.

        Also also – I wear dresses three days a week or so, so it is not an unusual occurence, but one time someone asked me why I wear dresses so often and I told them it was so I would be ready to # anywhere with only a moments notice. I laughed for days about the look on their face and also the fact that it was such a slutty yet somewhat true thing to say. really though I just like dresses but that would have been boring to admit.

        in conclusion you should not say that to people you work with, or anyone, ever, who you don’t want to think that you are a prostitute or completely deranged, but maybe it made you laugh so cheers

      • Lala said

        10 seconds

      • PWG said

        I’m only going into the woods if HB walks in front and AmyD walks in the back. For the mountain lions, they always attack from behind.* As one of only two KSWI readers as of last map check living smack up against the wilderness, I am most likely to be eaten alive.

      • kt said

        27 seconds. I think that is a gross overestimate however.

      • tiffanized said

        I just read what you wrote about the dress. At some point you will cross the line from “Do you have a date?” to “Are you going to a funeral?” That line is called The Day You Turn Thirty. No one thinks I have a date anymore. I don’t know if I prefer the blatantly sexist remarks or the vaguely agist ones. I’d like to wear a dress one day and have someone say, “Oh, is today the day of your coronation?”

    • tiffanized said

      I’d last 11 seconds.

      • PWG said

        I made 12. If you and I ever find ourselves walking in the woods with HB, either you or I are going to die.

        My very scientific Who Would Win: Grizzly vs. Polar Bear Scholastic book says grizzlies don’t truly hibernate, and the caves they dig to hang out in during the Winter have very small openings. So you and I and HB are uh, snowshoeing or something in Montana and we plod past a rock overhang with a tiny opening below while singing Take Me Home Tonight, which disturbs the grizzly pseudo-hibernation therein, and rightfully so. Either HB tests out her mad bear ball kicking skills while you and I run like hell, or you and I die. Immediately.

      • MLF said

        it says I would last 22 seconds but I don’t understand how it came to that conclusion. I told it that I cry daily (true) couldn’t climb a tree (true) couldn’t run a mile in less than 11 minutes (probably true. I haven’t moved faster than a jog in over a year) and had several answers that were accompanied by the lines “because I am a giant vagina”

        The only reason I can think of is that I did say yes “I’ve eaten bear meat and I’m pretty sure I absorbed some of it’s powers,” but that is only part true. yes I have eated bear meat, yes it was delicious, no I don’t think I gained magical bear powers from it. sadly.

      • PWG said

        Sorry, all three of us die. You, me and Lala.

      • PWG, remember when I commissioned you to plan my bachelorette party? You just did.

    • Jordan, if you’re refraining from posting your results because you think I’m going to somehow twist “I’d last # seconds” into an admission about your sexual stamina… then you know me very well.

      I’m curious enough about your results to call a truce. So quit this withholding act and get in on the action.*

  9. MLF said

    I love bears. They look cute and cuddly even while mauling people, unlike chimps who I think of as nimble-limbed demon creatures. I really really really hate them. One time I saw this show on the Discovery Channel about a bear that was attacking people and even killed somebody but I felt like, well hey, that’s what you get when you go roaming into the woods during bear season or whatever.

    Tarzan was my least favorite Disney movie ever.

  10. Forgetful Lucy said

    Are you ready for this? That Bear has a connection to the Want. You know that little thing known as “Six degrees of separation from Kevin Bacon”? Well I was thinking about degrees of separation from the Want.
    Bear > Willie > Inoki > Muhammad Ali > Laila Ali (who was on DWTS) > Samantha Harris (co-host of DWTS and sometimes entertainment reporter) > The Want
    Bing!

  11. PWG said

    Since Jordan commented and our replies are all over the place now, I’ll say this in response to HB’s bachelorette party planning: I was hoping for more singing and less me-dying. Tiffanized will be wearing heeled snowshoes, so that’s a recipe for disaster. Screw it, we’ll just have to invite that asshole Willie Williams along with us.

  12. cledbo said

    20 seconds. Uber-lame.

    I can’t watch the video either thanks to my box-blocking youtube-hating empoyer (though unlike HB, I can stalkbook all I like), but from the screenshot it looks like such a 70s thing. And, really, such a Japanese thing. They’re all up on the weird television specials in there.

    I did kyokushin karate when I was a kid. Mas Oyama was Mum’s hero for a short period in the early 90s. And I totally had to google to remember his name, which proves how little impact he had on me versus Choy Lee Fut Kung Fu.
    And yet I would still only last 20 seconds against a ball-kicked bear! Damn you martial arts and your uselessness as a life skill.

    I don’t feel sorry for the bear, as even if it was drugged and/or trained, it was probably still better fed than your average bear. Badum-tish.

  13. jann said

    I’m so glad you posted this today because just last night I made an Everquest character named SheBear. I have a feeling you know/play this game. I will study this video and learn to fight.

    • kristenstewartwantsit said

      You are welcome. This video is helpful for learning how to fight bears and for bears learning how to fight Willie Williams.

      Also, do you own a time machine? EverQuest? Isn’t that literally a decade old?

      • jann said

        No, I don’t own a time machine because you don’t have to go back in time to play. I flash sideways. In our alternate dimension, everyone plays EverQuest and no one thinks it’s weird. It’s like Locke fucking planning a wedding. Bizarre but true in the flash sideways.

  14. aneira said

    kristen is always watching

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