Answering The Tough Questions – Picture Post

February 24, 2010

INT – OFFICE – MORNING

KSWI Jordan is not in the best mood. Dressed in a blue button down shirt with white stripes and gray plaid suit pants, KSWI Jordan is bored, cynical and irritated today. Jordan double-clicks on the completely archaic Internet Explorer 6.0 icon. Jordan types into the URL address – www.google.com. Jordan searches “quizzes”. Jordan finds a lead.

Interesting…

Ok.

Hmmmmmm… choices, so many choices.

Definitely.

And now it begins.

KSWI Jordan: I think it has been well established on this website that I am a big fan of Lady Gaga. Singing “LoveGame” would certainly not be my first choice of songs from Lady Gaga to sing at a karaoke bar, but I would sing it. I would even sing it for free if it was the only Gaga song to be sung, but I would definitely sing it for money. Most outrageous? I guess the “strip poker” game. I hate poker in general, but if I was being paid to play poker outside of whatever I win then I would definitely play it. I don’t think “Girls Gone Wild” wants me to be in a video of theirs or even “Guys Gone Wild”. I feel like I would need a lot more money to do that than the strip poker game because I really don’t want to be associated with such a shit product like “Girls Gone Wild”. It is more the integrity of the product than the idea of being naked in it for money. It just is a completely overrated video series. So, my answer is “Strip Poker”.

Kristen Stewart: Kristen is appearing seemingly nude in the James “Dirty Fingers” Gandolifini movie. Also, Kristen has questionable taste regarding much of her movie choices. I said she would appear in the GGW video.

KSWI Jordan: If this phrase was at mork then it would choice #1 because I don’t run around cursing and talking about eel sex at work. Eel sex, eel sex, eel sex. I did spend at least 2 paragraphs talking about crabs and magical winning vagina infested with them in that same post, which not one person mentioned. I don’t think people ask if I act “this crazy” all that much. I think I’m a pretty entertaining fellow and I think I’m a pretty good drunk, so I picked the last one.

Kristen Stewart: Definitely number 2 – does she always act this crazy? Bitches hatin’ bitches mixed with Kristen’s unique approach to life always wanting it. I have heard many people already just in life say that they think she is crazy. The “offend” one definitely not because Kristen always looks like she wants it so no one thinks she is offending by what they said as much as she completely enthralled by what they say. And the “next party” thing hmmm… maybe. I’m not sold on that either. I think it would depend on the person and party more than anything. Not that I’m beloved in all groups either. But I have had a lot of people just say to me completely unprompted that they think Kristen Stewart is annoying and/or crazy. Those people will rue the day when Kristen ascends to Valhalla on her golden charriot of machine guns and want death beams them all to a continuous loop showing of Shutter Island.

KSWI Jordan: I chose option 2 because I definitely have let a lot more slide in my life than I have done option 3. I have done option 3 though. I have heard rumors about myself and definitely reacted with angry text or voice mails when drunk. I have also just done nothing like option 2 says more often than not. I am no seduction wizard. I find it impossibly ridiculous that any female reads this website and finds it all seductive regardless of whatever nonsense is printed in the comments section every day. Seriously. I am pro keying someone’s car though. Outside of my own. If someone keys my car I will kill them. With my hands, a gun, a trashcan, my keyed car or whatever is the quickest method to their death. My car has dings and dents and broken things on it, but if I caught someone keying my car I would go Marcellus Wallace on their ass and shotgun them in the nuts and call over my murdering crew with blow torches and pliers to go Medieval on that person’s ass.

Kristen Stewart: I picked for Kristen the keying car/seduction angle. I’m not saying she is actively trying to seduce the friend, but she does want it all the time. It could be seen as seduction. As for keying the car? I think Kristen Stewart keys cars all the time when someone messes with her.

I also think she threatens them with homemade shanks. I also feel like the phrase “I’d cut a bitch” has been uttered by Kristen at least bi-weekly since the age of 11.

KSWI Jordan: I would be a bad designated driver. I’m pretty sure the idea of designated driver is they are not supposed to drink more than the person who is not the designated driver, so option 2 is gone. I would also be bad at “shopping days” or “spa treatments”. I hate shopping and I don’t want anyone touching my toes/finger nails. Also, I would ask “What is that? Specifically what is every ingredient in that?” before they tried to lather it on my skin or face or make me eat it – that’s all what she said. That leaves the night out option. I like to drink and I am ok with breaking the law especially when I drink, so I would do that. I’m not sure what “very hot” means, but I could go to a strip club or 8 if that suffices.

Kristen Stewart: I could imagine Kristen would be down for 1 and 3. She obviously likes clothes/fashion and probably been to a few spas in her day. Even though K-Stew is under 21, I’m think designated driver duties are not her fortay. As for the “very hot” night out? Well, I’d imagine K-Stew knows how to party or at least she knows a lot of “straight” guys from the Twilight series who have “straight” guy friends who would be more than willing to go out clubbing with them. And by “straight” with the “quotes” I mean they are not straight with no quotes. Wink wink, nudge nudge, pat pat, grab grab, call call, security security.

KSWI Jordan: I find myself dating zero men. Wah wah. Am I right, ladies? A good man is so hard to find. Typically, I am in bed at a “reasonable” time because I have this thing called “mork” I have to wake up for. And being hungover at “mork” makes it worse. Making “The Hangover” guys look like the Jonas Brothers sounds like an awful lot of effort as well as something an unemployed person might do. I guess the “work hard” “play harder” bullshit is what I have to choose. Even though going to sleep at 11pm on a week night is nothing to shake your head at. Also if you start drinking at 3pm on a weekend then going to sleep at 1am is ridiculous. But I get that they think that is the boring decision. I would really like to see the hours that is kept by whoever wrote this quiz. Unless she is keeping coke whore hours then she needs to respect that one can do a lot of damage and still be asleep by 1am. Whatever lady.

Kristen Stewart: I chose the same option for as well. “Work hard” “play harder”. Whatever the fuck that means. Literally writing that as an option in a quiz or literally being assigned the task to writing quizzes for Cosmo magazine means you have no idea what “work hard” “play harder” even entails. She is some office worker like everyone else. Also, like that is a bad thing. Living the life of Samantha on Sex in the City should not be someone’s goal in life. There are a lot of people who do lead that life and we call them “whores”. Trying to be Paris Hilton at 50 is not pretty.

My result:

Well, I have no idea what any of this means. “R-Rated gesture”? Am I flipping people off or am I making the blow job motion? What is “R-Rated gesture”? As opposed to a “Triple-X” move? What’s that? All I can think of is “R-Rated” being suggesting having sex in the coat room with a strange man and triple X move is not only having sex with that strange man in the coat room, but letting the coat room attendant join in. This profile of “me” is more confusing than the test. I guess the idea is I am the middle ground between prude and slut. Great. My parents will be proud. So will my completely wasted college degree.

Kristen’s result:

Well, Jodi Lipper, it sounds like you want it both ways*. One cannot be a “balls-out badass” and at the same time stop themselves from stirring up trouble. If they did stop themselves then they would probably be in my category of towing the line. Also, I feel like this is a little hypocritical because the test seems like it is more trying to get you to get away from being the “boring one” than stopping you from slutting it up at clubs. “How to Love Like a Hot Chick”? Ugh. First, is Jodi Lipper even qualified to write this?

You know, I guess. She is cute and her friend is ok too. I mean this just seems like it will be more drivel about women getting drunk at night clubs, being bitchy and trying to live their life like a TV show. Maybe I’m being too cynical:

Hmmmm… and maybe I’m not. Ugh, it reads like a “How to Live Your Life Like It Is A Jennifer Anniston Movie”. I hate the phrase “girlfriend to girlfriend advice”. Oh man, that is not going to be good advice. All this “hot chick” stuff. “Hot chick” is code for:

Boobs apparently. Every picture of these two have plunging neck lines.

And learning to love like a hot chick means not to be depressed that taking the advice from these two women will net you a long string of drama filled relationships that never end well.

I don’t know why, but this quiz made me depressed, angry and bitter. I need like a drink or at least a hug from one of these annoying busty terrible advice giving women who have book deals for writing arbitrary shit that has been written a thousand times before. Maybe I shouldn’t have expected any high mindedness from a “bad girl” quiz. But seriously, is that what we’re looking for? Bad girls? I don’t think it takes a scientist to be a “bad girl”.

I guess the easy joke is maybe I’m bitter I’m not a bad enough girl. But even that brings me no joy. We’re all going to die and the word is going to end and girls are going to spend their lives thinking that they want a virginal vampire or some asshat they meet at a club or at least they’ll spend their lives reading about it. Cosmopolitan magazine is making me suicidal. No wonder I don’t subscribe to it.

This makes me smile a little bit. Kristen is even making the director want it like a fiend. No one noticed this yesterday?

35 Responses to “Answering The Tough Questions – Picture Post”

  1. tiffanized said

    Cosmo makes me suicidal too.

  2. Pol said

    Cosmo is dreadful, it is my least favourite magazine. In fact I read Popular Mechanics more often than other glossies…it rocks and it has actual useful advice.

    Too bad they don’t have the option: would you ever (in public) throw your stillettos at some guys head just cause he was a dickhead and then found his manager and gave him a piece of your mind…with blood dripping from your hand, lol… thankfully I don’t define my life by Cosmo’s standards.

    Also I’m not so sure about that director lady wanting ‘it’ hey? I think she wants something else entirely…like coffee..

  3. Raven said

    I have to know, are you one of those people that take the “Fun Surveys” on Facebook seriously and give paragragh long answers to even the most inane questions? If so, you MUST be my friend.

  4. Dead God Birk said

    Well it’s like trying to see some want past a sun and an h-bomb exploding. Until some one zooms in on a picture you wouldn’t have noticed that bit of IT being wanted.

  5. Lose the dick and you’re me. Lucky you. (That’s sarcasm in case that wasn’t clear enough.) Except that I keep “coke whore” hours. I never go to bed before 1:30am. Last night? 3am, then off to mork this morning. And I’m hosting “wine club” tonight, which means there’s a really good chance I’ll be hungover at mork tomorrow… This is the one area in my life where rationality never reigns supreme.

    Because you sound all sad panda, I’ll play nice and go for the ego boost today:
    I find it impossibly ridiculous that any female reads this website and finds it all seductive regardless of whatever nonsense is printed in the comments section every day.
    Quit being so thickheaded. You’re intelligent. You’re hilarious. You seem fun. You’re even a little sensitive. You have a job and a college education. You’re intriguing in that you’re a bit of a walking contradiction with the suits and tattoos, and you also continue to surprise us with the “crazy” you come up with. Quite frankly, I find it “impossibly ridiculous” that you, as smart as you are, can understand that you’re a “pretty entertaining fellow” and someone people like to be around, but can’t understand why the ladies around here have the warm fuzzies for you.

    Hm, so no commentary surrounding “How to Eat Like A Hot Chick”? … the fuck? I don’t even know what that means. Unless it’s a guide to eating dick, in which case I know what you can get us all for Christmas this year.

    • tiffanized said

      Ditto. The 3 a.m., the wine, the seductive blogger, the eating dick. Ditto.

    • kristenstewartwantsit said

      Great. Compliments. Thanks. I’m doing that thing where I type really slowly to show my sarcasm and enthusiasm for the subject, but it doesn’t translate as well as one would think.

      I need drama and intrigue on this website. Not melancholy compliments.

      Plus Christmas is 10 months away.

      • kristenstewartwantsit said

        Today is the most boring day ever, so yes.

        Please elaborate.

      • PWG said

        The fact that I remain un-scissored told me that long ago, my friend.

      • Melancholy compliments? Melancholy?!? You ingrate. I’m over here being nice for a change and fawning over you telling you how wonderful you are, and they’re not good enough because I didn’t use enough exclamation points?

        You’re impossible to please. If both eel sex and trying to get into your pants are off limits, I really have nothing left to say.

        Also, can someone please send me the number for The Maury Povich show? I have a baby to deny.

      • Lala said

        What happened? HB is being really nice, saying all those nice things about you – which I agree with by the way – and you don’t like it?

      • cledbo said

        KSWIJ likes being scolded just as much as we do, he just doesn’t want to admit it.

        My “coke whore” hours actually involve being in bed by 11pm, except on D&D nights. Which makes them “pasty nerd” hours, instead. Not nearly as exciting.

    • kt said

      Ditto as well. You have a much better way with words than I do so I’m not even gonna try and echo the sentiments with other words… yeah… point made.

      • Thank you, kt. That was nice of you to say.

        See that, Jordan? That’s how you take a compliment. You say thank you; you don’t tell them it’s not good enough.

        Also, my birthday is in May if you can’t wait until December to give me “BJ’s for Dummies”.

    • Dead God Birk said

      Yeah, that.

  6. Forgetful Lucy said

    I’m intrigued by the fact that you didn’t mention your tie, which leads me to believe you may actually be tieless and possibly showing some sternal head. Also, I’m thinking you have on my favorite suit, if it’s the one you showed us with the orange tie. Me likey.

    I’ve never been a Cosmo girl. I’m a Family Circle girl. I’ve never been much of a bad girl either. I was always too paranoid about getting caught if I were to do something wrong. I fear you’re more of a bad girl than I am.

    On the plus side your work day is almost over. Oh! and how many times have you accidently turned on her hazard lights in the car while driving and had no idea how to turn them off? Because that just happened to me at lunch. Luckily I was on the phone with my brother and we have the same car, he was able to direct me to the proper button. I swear this lame hands-free cell law is gonna get me killed. I’m more distracted trying to connect my “hands-free” device, than if I was just holding the stupid phone.

    • kristenstewartwantsit said

      Tieless.

      Sternal head is showing.

      There is a lot of sternal head being shown around the office. New schanagement allows us to dress in khakis and button ups. I only own suits, so I have been wearing suits like nothing changed. Finally gave up on the ties last week. It’s about as “casual” as I’m getting. That and spending every morning writing this God forsaken blog, which I was already doing.

      • Forgetful Lucy said

        So, I may have um.. just shot my arms up in the air like my favorite NFL team scored a touchdown. Luckily no one saw me. I’m tickled to death that I was right. Smiley Face.

  7. PWG said

    Christ, you walking vagina, welcome to what it’s like to be female. Every television show and magazine article aimed at you is designed to insult you and make you dumber, plus feel bad about yourself.

    I subscribe to Discover and Money. I like space and money. When I travel and go to the airport bookstore I get Popular Mechanics too (seriously, Pol, it’s great, right?) plus Entertainment Weekly. Never know what kind of mood you’ll be in once you’re in the air.

    • PWG said

      And Scientific American. I love that shit. Even if I have to skip some of the science that’s over my head. It reaffirms my faith that there are non-idiots in the world. Which I don’t get confirmed much in my daily existence.

      • AmyAlmost said

        I love reading New Scientist. Time travel article still in my head. They did it. So little it doesn’t count but still…

  8. cledbo said

    Zees – you promised me we could have a pseudo-impossible lovechild! I’m so betrayed!
    Unless I can join you in a love triangle with HB.

    Or maybe a love decagon? How many regular commenters are there these days? Who want a lesbian lovechild? And advice on giving good head?

  9. cledbo said

    Sorry, I probably should comment on the post, hey?

    Cosmo presents everything that women do to themselves that hold them back as a gender. And models I could cause to break in half by talking with a raised voice.

    I really hope KStew isn’t a literal ‘balls-out’ badass, because if so then many a fakelesbian fantasy has been seriously misplaced. Also, there is nothing attractive about hanging around with exposed male genetalia.
    I’m jus’ saying.

    Also, enough with being a big girl’s blouse. Everyone has sucky office days; I’m always secretly pleased when I get through a day without stabbing someone with a mechanical pencil, or having a toilet fall on my head a la Dead Like Me.

    • MLF said

      I don’t think Kristen is a ball’s out badass. I mean yes, I think she is a total badass motherfucker, but I don’t think she keys people’s cars when she gets mad at them. She’s just way too nice and sweet.Like, exhibit A- she is constantly being followed around by annoying papps and she has not attacked them, cussed them out, anything. There are numerous examples of her being super super sweet to her fans and people in general who are not stalking her but very few examples of her being a bitch (in my opinion) At best she has given an eyeroll to an annoying interviewer and walked away, which is what a polite girl does when they have nothing nice to say, they say nothing, whereas I most likely would have attacked one of the people stalking me by now and beat the shit out of them and literally punched in the face every reporter who has continued to ask me whether I’m dating Robert Pattinson. so yeah I think she rocks but she is definitely not a “ball’s out baddass” in the negative way that Cosmo meant.

  10. PWG said

    p.s., we don’t have Emo Wednesdays.

    If you think I’m being too harsh, it’s just because you can’t take a compliment today, so I’m handing out shovelfuls of tough love instead.

  11. AmyAlmost said

    I can’t do Cosmo quizzes because I can never select any of the options. What is a ‘very hot night out’? What does that even mean???

  12. Can we please discuss how much I love the women of KSWI? Always there to defend me. And attack you in my honor. And offer gay sex.

    Best blog ever.

    Don’t worry – that’s not another compliment.

  13. MLF said

    you’ve got to be kidding me. Today was awful. Infact not only was it awful, I am 99.9% positive that NONE of the horrible things that happened to me today happened to you, and after twelve hours of working non-stop with miserable hangover after only four hours of sleep I FINALLY have time to take a break and pop over to KSWI which I am sure will be a pick me up, and instead all I get is woe is me blah blah blah I don’t like Cosmo’s quizes?!

    AND YOU SCOLDED THE MOST AWESOME WOMEN EVER WHO TRIED TO BE NICE TO YOU?!

    unbelievable fuckery.

  14. This is one of the more interesting posts I’ve read today. Great job. I’m sure I’ll read a lot more of you in future.

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