Ongoing Conversation – My Apology For Yesterday

February 25, 2010

Fuck You

Yep, that’s a big ole’ Fuck You. A big one. That finger means fuck you. The f-u-c-k variety. The kind that people type about on web boards, but never do. And that is directed to all of you. The y-o-u of the fuck you is the royal kind. Royal meaning plural and not royal meaning that I think you are aristocrats from some socialist monarchy with wizards and shit.

So, my apology is fuck you.

Oh wait, did Jordan have a bad day yesterday? Let’s gang up and anonymously call him a baby because he didn’t feel like accepting empty compliments. Yeah! Yeah, let’s pat each other on the back while we’re at it. We’re the funniest and he sucks even though he writes a free blog we all read and meet on to discuss nonsense everyday like our menstrual cycles. Boo Jordan.

Fuck you.

You don’t know me. You don’t know anything about me. You don’t know what is going on in my life. There could be some bad shit going on in my life. But does that matter to you – NOPE! Not one break for Jordan. “Just keep on typing you monkey” is what you are all saying. Can’t even allow a guy to have a bad day. If I was at a karaoke bar right now, I wouldn’t sing “LoveGame” or any Lady Gaga. I’d end up singing some song about betrayal like StainD’s “Mudshovel”. Just real depressing stuff because that is how you have made me feel right now. I would also sing “Mother” by Danzig and “Take Me Home Tonight” by Eddie Money because it is the LAW that you have to sing those songs if given the opportunity.

But I digress…

You don’t know me! You don’t know what shit is weighing on me. Do you know what day yesterday was? Nope you don’t! You didn’t even know of my existence at this point last year. You don’t know what anniversary it was yesterday, February 24th. You don’t know. Do you? DO YOU!?! That’s right. Some bad shit happened to me yesterday last year. MY PET ALLIGATOR DIED LAST YEAR! How do you feel now, you inconsiderate motherfuckers!?!

That’s right! There’s me and Ally the Alligator. February 24th of 2009 was his last day on this Earth. Sure, he is probably off in alligator heaven, but that doesn’t help any with me crying my eyes out here in New Jersey. And while I am remembering the heartache of losing my pet, no my friend, last year – I have these completely crazy women yelling at me via the internet. THANKS A LOT!

I remember when my Dad and I picked up Ally hitchhiking just outside of Asbury Park, New Jersey when I was four. My dad didn’t like hitchhikers, but there was something special about this hitchhiker: HE WAS A FUCKING ALLIGATOR! Ally somehow liberated himself from the swamps of Florida and headed North. Our only guess was he wanted to live in a more liberal forward thinking society, so he chose New Jersey.

We opened up the van doors and he climbed on in. Right from the start, Ally and I were friends. We weren’t sure how old he was, but from that moment on he was right by side… UNTIL LAST YEAR WHEN HE DIED AND YOU FUCKERS WOULDN’T ALLOW ME TIME TO GRIEVE YESTERDAY ABOUT IT! Ally was so smart and caring.

People told us that we couldn’t keep an alligator because it was illegal and because it was ridiculous and because they were backstabbing artists like you, the readers. But we kept him. My family fell in love with Ally and so did our pet dogs. Ally had a special place in all our hearts, but he really had a bond with me. It probably had to do with how I treated Ally. I treated him not as an alligator, but simply as another pet that I loved.

People told me that you couldn’t teach an alligator to do tricks like a dog, but I proved them wrong when I taught Ally to fetch my slippers. Now, I don’t wear slippers, but he seemed to have a natural fondness for footwear and I didn’t mind him alligator slobbering on some slippers that I don’t wear. Oh, but he loved to fetch those slippers. Brought him so much joy.

Do you know what the first step is in teaching an alligator to fetch slippers? Getting it to not DEATH ROLL you every chance it gets. Alligators like to death roll everything.

And as you can see in the picture, Ally did smoke. It was his burden. It was something he must’ve picked up before we got him, but he was addicted. I taught him how to fetch slippers, but I couldn’t teach him how to break that damn nicotine addiction.

Kristen Stewart loved him too.

I’m not even sure how the two of them met because he died before this site was even started. I’m not sure if she owns a time machine or she wants it so bad she can make herself into a time machine. But either way, they became fast friends. And Kristen loves slippers as far as I know.

So, next time you assume you know what is going on in my life – DON’T. My pet alligator’s death’s anniversary could be happening. You know? What is wrong with you people? Ally was honest and only would have treated you with love and respect when he wasn’t trying to death roll you. He tried to death roll almost all strangers. But you just shitted all over his memory.

I hope you are all proud of yourselves.

Now, I’m going to try and not die in the snowicane. That’s right the SNOWICANE!

Snow + Hurricane – Hurri x snow + Ally the Alligator’s death – your inconsiderateness =

SNOWICANE!

And my sternal head is dry, you empty teases! Dry as fuck!

Questions and comments for Friday. If I live or if I even feel like talking to any of you ever again.

Ally the Alligator

? – February 24, 2009

Rest in Peace, buddy.

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44 Responses to “Ongoing Conversation – My Apology For Yesterday”

  1. PWG said

    It must be Thursday.

  2. PWG said

    I’m not clear, are we supposed to do more or less ass kissing today?

  3. PWG said

    You’re right, of course, compliments are enraging. If it’s not exactly the right compliment, or if it’s not delivered by an Oompa Loompa on a bed of saffron-scented rice or something, I also lose my shit.

  4. tiffanized said

    I happen to know that it is illegal to sell tobacco products to alligators in New Jersey and New York, so you must have been providing Ally with the cigarettes. What did he die from, huh? Throat cancer? Lung disease? I think your offensive post today is actually you being aggressively defensive about enabling the death of an innocent lizard. Or amphibian. I don’t know what alligators are, really; ask PWG and her science publications. I once had a biology major argue with me that a turtle was a mammal, which would have normally caused me to beat him to death with a high heeled shoe, but since he is the father of one of my kids I let him live because I need the child support.

    I look at that picture of you and Ally and see three things:
    1. NO sternal head. My God, man, 12.37% of yesterday’s conversation was sternal-head related, then you post a picture and deliberately hide yours?
    2. A codependent relationship between a boy and his nicotine-addled exotic pet. That alligator had you whipped. Look at his smug grin, the sparkle in his eyes; he is clearly saying, “I am taking this sucker for all he’s worth. And then I’ll probably death roll him.” You should be lucky it ended before he had the chance to spin you.
    3. A passive aggressive attempt to garner sympathy, fawning, declarations of lust and/or criticism.

    So, questions for tomorrow?

    1. Why the hell is it so hard to eat chickpeas with a bamboo fork?
    2. What is your song list for sexy times?
    3. What will happen to this blog if you get a new yob and have to mork in the mornings instead of writing posts for us to ignore, critique and mock all afternoon?
    4. How did you feel about Kristen Stewart’s BAFTA toes? I don’t care, but I have to say, I always paint my toenails before wearing open toed shoes anywhere, and I rarely have a bunch of photographers following me around. Maybe she’s like you and doesn’t want anyone to touch her feet.
    5. On a scale of 1-John Mayer is a Douchebag, weigh in on Jenny Lumet’s and Robert Pattinson’s use of the word “Negro” in the Details interview. What does Rob mean? That Negroes whisper? That Negroes are deaf? Should someone tell Rob that we are 10 years into a new century in which most of us never thought we’d hear the word “Negro” again?

    I have more questions, but I will save them for next week.

    • kristenstewartwantsit said

      Ally died of seemingly old age. Alligators can live to the age of 50 and he lived for 22 years with my family.

      Alligators are lizards. The word alligator comes from the Spanish word for lizard, I think el lagarto or something similar, which is what they called it. Alligators are only found in two places in this world: America because we are the best and China because they’re pretty wild over there – 1.3 billion people!

      1. Ally never expected me to dress up. He wasn’t an elitist like you all.
      2. How dare you!?! You are projecting your own cynicism on me and the love the two of us shared. He was smiling because he was happy.
      3. Whatever

      And before you throw stones about my inability to break an alligator from its addiction to cigarettes, go try and cure a nicotine addicted alligator on your own first before you pass judgment on me.

    • Forgetful Lucy said

      Those are her naked UK ELLE Woman of the Year toes. I gave her a pass on the BAFTA toes because I thought maybe she was rushed and it was an oversight. But then she showed up the next day at the STYLE Awards with some naked toes too, that is just not cool.

      • Pol said

        It is unusual…but toes were clean, toenails short, feet noy dry or callused so fine by me. Better than chipped nailvarnish….ugh. I wait with anticipation to hear what Jordan has to say…I’m guessing he’d also let K-Stew have his toes if she wanted them, toe whoring would commence.

  5. PWG said

    Friday question: what’s the best gift you ever received?

    I lived in a crappy old apartment for a while, and it had an enclosed patio with some empty dirt patches and a broken waterfall. For my birthday my sister came over while I was out and cleaned & fixed the waterfall and tilled the dirt and planted a ton of bushes and flowers and stuff. Best gift ever.

  6. Forgetful Lucy said

    What the hell is going on? I come into work, open up my email and what do I see, a post from Jordan. Huh, this is odd. Then? Fuck You? You know yesterday I was thinking you were just having an off day. We all have them. But I decided to take the wait and see approach before I went all Momma Bear and suggest that if you needed a break from this “God foresaken” blog, you should take it. I hate when you’re down, it makes my little heart sad. We would miss you, but RL can be a bitch sometimes. I don’t know what you want. You fished for something with your “how can you women write your nonsense in the comments about me being likeable”, HB says it straight-up, which I completely aggreed with, FOR THE RECORD. Then you do your “compliments, whatever” bullshit, to which the group responded, “take your pms somewhere else missy”. And today? FUCK YOU?! I don’t think so.

  7. MLF said

    I’m sorry about Ally. I have had friends who had pet alligators before and it was very sad when they died. we hatched them from stolen eggs ourselves and everything.

    QUESTIONS! I just love being prepared…now where was I:

    5) If a new medicine was developed that would cure arthritis, but cause a fatal reaction in 1% of the people who took it, would you still want it released to the public?

    6)You discover your wonderful one year old child is, because of a mixup at the hospital, not your. Would you want to exchange the child to try to correct the mistake?

    7)…skipping seven…

    8) Would you rather be a member of a world championship sports team or be the champion of an individual sport? Which sport would you choose?

    9)…skipping nine…

    10) HAHAHAHAHA Which sex do you think has it easier in our culture? Have you ever wished you were a member of the opposite sex?

    and FYI the questions that were skipped were repeats, one of them was another Would you leave the country type question, incase you thought I was skipping around just to get to ten.

  8. Fuck me?! FUCK YOU. …please?

    Heyoooo.

    You brought yesterday’s “bitches hatin’ Jordan” wrath on yourself. I was nice. Do you know how hard it is for me to be nice to people? To share my feelings? I don’t feel. I didn’t cry during The Notebook. I didn’t even like it! I’m a frigid bitch. And here I am, baring my soul and giving you like 47 compliments. You made a good point with your “you don’t know me!” Ricky Lake rant, in that I don’t know you and can only compliment the things I’ve learned from your Want teachings. But “empty” compliments?! I called you intriguing. That’s fucking sincerity. If I wanted to give you an empty compliment I’d say “I bet you’re good in bed”, because 1) it’s totally baseless, and 2) zing!

    Your first mistake was underestimating how loyal women can be. You’re well aware of “bitches hatin’ bitches” as we all know, but those same bitches who hate on each other will turn around and defend their own kind when they come under attack for NO GOOD REASON. Fuck yeah, “bitches backin’ bitches”! Watch out for the claws.

    I think cledbo was onto something. You like being scolded and heckled and teased just as much as we do. I think that might mean we’re all a bunch of sexually frustrated masochists or something. Forget using this site as a comedy resume, you could submit this shit for a grant in Psychology.

    Sorry to hear about Ally. But I bet he made a nice pair of shoes.

  9. kt said

    I have no sympathy for you.

    Questions!
    1. Why are wedding shows such a time suck? I have seriously lost hours of my life to Platinum Weddings.
    2. What is your favorite book and why?
    3. What’s the worst injury you have ever had?

  10. Questions:
    1. Are you aware of how close you are to breaking 100 fans of KSWI on facebook?
    2. If you reach 100 fans, do you intend to celebrate or give us presents or something?
    3. Is it obvious that I’m asking these questions so that you have a reason to bring up the facebook group again in a post without looking too self-centered, thus getting more fans, thus breaking that 100 mark?
    4. Isn’t that nice of me? Why should I give a shit if you break 100 fans? Doesn’t it make you feel bad for being unappreciative yesterday?

    For the record, I don’t expect you to answer all of those as they’re mostly rhetorical and designed to make you feel guilty for being a jerk.

  11. Susanelle said

    So I challenged Jordan to write a screenplay for Kristen Stewart and Dakota Fanning, and he hasn’t mentioned anything yet, but I guess thinking about it my own self has caused a concept to come into my brain… and I’ve pasted it below.

    Jordan can either take it and run with it, or maybe, since everyone here is clever and funny, maybe this group could brainstorm it into something. It could be the best movie ever written by a group of 20 people.

    First, I need you to tell me if this concept has ever been used in another well-known movie, all you scholars of film.

    Next, we need a role for Dakota Fanning in it.

    And, finally, what it really needs are the “mishaps” elements — the little funny action sequences (which will be difficult because of the controlling premise).

    They Fall to Pieces (working title)

    A guy (someone like Joseph Gordon-Levitt) hires a girl (someone like Kristen Stewart) to help him write a screenplay… she advertises herself as a coach who helps writers get rid of block, make deadlines, cross t’s and dot i’s, etc.

    They meet on a Friday. They have the funniest meeting scene ever.

    The guy is entirely dubious about her. She’s cute and young… he expected older, butch, a drill sergeant, a fifth-grade teacher type. He thinks the weird funny meeting is her fault somehow — like the air around her is charged with the potential to cause chaos. He’s skeptical.

    She explains her gig — wants to hear his ideas, get them down on paper, organize them, bounce stuff back and forth… etc.

    She’s cute and all… but he didn’t expect to “bounce” with her. He’s creative, an artist!

    Nonetheless, he agrees to get his ideas down on paper and meet her again next week… but they are never able to part because they are inadvertently pulled into a series of madcap adventures that create weird and comic situations that end up being a screenplay (totally unintended — they talk about a completely different story throughout most of the shenanigans… like, while they are waiting to be finger-printed or stitched up at the hospital or whatever, they try to work up some lame idea (e.g., about an alligator that smokes or something)) over a two- or three-day period.

    What are the adventures? Gah
    — being accidently locked in a vault with some weird other people?
    — being mugged and/or taken hostage by the most inept mugger/terrorists ever?
    — losing an important thing down a storm drain?
    — trying to track somebody they think is about to commit a crime and prevent it?
    — being mistaken as the people who did commit the crime?
    …anyway, a great picaresque story à la After Hours, or Desperately Seeking Susan, etc. …or even Home Alone… just mishap after mishap.

    But it’s the usual — they slowly fall in love / are a great couple, all problems are resolved.

    And then everything changes to another time and place and it is clear that the guy has just finished reading his screenplay to the girl and that what we have been watching was his write-up of the escapades… and he turns to her with a look of smug satisfaction (because she was enthralled by the story), and teases her that she probably wrote exactly the same thing about the adventures they just had, only not as well. (So, we, the audience, realize that all these high-jinks actually just happened to them.)

    She looks back at him kind of sadly and hesitantly and slowly starts reading her screenplay …which then becomes the live action again. But it’s a completely inside-out version of the previous story and very dark [How? He doesn’t know he’s dying but she does and can’t tell him? She is a psychologist who plays along with this insane person’s grand scheme of a screenplay?… whatever, it is all very sad and poignant… or maybe they’ve done something horrible by accident in the course of all their mishaps and have tried desperately to make amends and everything’s tragic and urgent] [or something]… the point being that everything that happens in the first half of the movie has to be able to be seen from a completely different point of view and still be recognizable as the previous sequence of events… it’s just that the guy who wrote the first part didn’t know some crucial details at the time.

    And at the end we (the audience] either “cry” or “laugh”… depending on which screenplay was what actually happened. Does the guy look at the girl at the end in shock and realize he’s dying? And that’s it? Fade to black? Or are there a couple of minutes when the audience thinks he *is* dying [or is on death row or whatever] …and then the guy and girl shriek and laugh and pour drinks and go “TWO SCREENPLAYS! WE GOT TWO SCREENPLAYS!” and you realize they’re a married (or long-time) couple who always work that way… and they fade out happily, having another of their Pink-Panther style slapstick moments.

    Plus, ironically, they really only got one movie out of all of that.
    -30-

    • cledbo said

      If done properly (as in, written by more talented and creative people than myself) this could be quite good.

      I’m a fan of the ‘bait and switch’ movie schtick, because I’m generally not that good at figuring out mysteries so I don’t manage to ruin the ending for myself (unlike Mr. Cledbo, who ruins it for EVERYONE because he is a smartass).

      JGL is a cutie as well.

      • Susanelle said

        written by more talented and creative people than myself

        Pfft, you’re talented and creative and have funny stories — all’s we got to do is ollect a bunch from everyone and get Jordan to write the dialogue.

        Yeah, I left the hard part for everyone else to do, lol.

        Hmm… now that we have archives for KSWI, maybe I’ll just go through them and strip-mine for funny stories.

  12. Forgetful Lucy said

    Which is sexier?

    A “hot chick” in a cleavage revealing top or a fitted reproduction vintage Transformers Optimus Prime T-shirt with no cleavage showing.

    When was the last time you dreamnt you could fly?

    When I was a kid I used to have dreams I could fly. I would start running really fast and then slowly rise above the ground with my legs going as fast as possible until I could take flight and soar around above my neighborhood. I distinctly remember the dream when I couldn’t fly anymore. I just kept running and running but nothing would happen. I haven’t dreamnt of flying since. I wish I knew what changed. It’s actually very depressing. Now I’m in a bad mood. Don’t try to cheer me up.

  13. Pol said

    Do you think that orca that killed it’s trainer should be put down?

    Why do they give emperor penguins mirrors so that they can look at themselves?

    Yes, can we have spell check? Pretty please?

    • MLF said

      no way! Didn’t everybody see Free Willy? He is obviously just misunderstood and needs a young boy trainer.Remember what happened when that blonde lady tried to train him? shenanigans, that’s what. I am sad that Sea World has still not taken note of that. and also that they have not taught their whales to jump over sea walls yet.

      In all seriousness though, IT’S A KILLER WHALE. You wouldn’t get mad at a zebra for being striped…

      • Cristalena said

        i just read that the whale had already accidentally killed two trainers before!
        what the fuck!?!
        are you fucking kidding me!?!?
        are you fucking serious!?!

      • MLF said

        true story. My friend actually works at that sea world…she is an intern but they had talked about moving that whale to a tank where it wouldn’t have to perform and would just swim around but for whatever reason didn’t, even after the two deaths. maybe third times the charm? I personally don’t feel like it is necesarrily the whales fault, but I definitely think that obviously the whole performing thing is not a good fit for that particular whale and he should def. be moved to an observation only tank or something.

      • Pol said

        hey, I’m not a fan of killing him either…but dogs who kill people also get put down. It’s a interesting how different the response has been to this. Truly it is a wild animal….look at the horror that shark attacks cause yet more people die by electrocuting themselves with their toasters…

        And don’t even get me started on that mad man who wresteld alligators and crocodiles and ironically gets himself killed by a stingray…

  14. cledbo said

    I’m not sure whether to believe your alligator story. This could be because I tend to equate alligators with crocodiles, and there is no way on Steve Irwin’s sting-ray riddled grave that ANYONE would have a pet crocodile. That is just madness. The ones at the zoo are over 2m long! Gah!

    Death rolling is a handy skill for any beast or man to have. I can’t see youtube at work, but according to the description from google….:

    Also, I didn’t realise I should have been calling you ‘Blue’ all this time. How much Australian slang do you know?
    You wouldn’t really stop talking to us, would you?
    (Though we all know what happens when you don’t post for one day. We crazy women make our own fun*)

    Note to other common taters – spell check is for lazy people. It is a sign of weakness. It leads to the Dark Side!

  15. Cristalena said

    why are fried pork rinds gross and tasty all at the same time?
    (she ponders as she munches and wipes the crumbs off her shirt)

    my two year old niece recently told me she was going to beat my ass although it sounded a little like “imma bee joo ess” i didn’t know whether to laugh or beat her ass (i laughed)

    so are cursing babies cute or not?

    • MLF said

      cute- as long as it doesn’t continue and as an 8 yr old the kid doesn’t sound like Walker or Texas Ranger from Talladega Nights… “I’m all jacked up on mountain dew Chip!” Best movie ever, sigh.

    • AmyAlmost said

      I vote cute. My 3 year old nephew was playing with his trains, it went off the track and he said ‘oh fuck me’. Agreed as long as they know the difference when older it’s all good.

  16. jann said

    Question for tomorrow: Do you think Lost is really just a Schrodinger’s Cat situation with the two time lines proving the “World’s” theory? Is Kristen Stewart inside that steel cargo case Ilana has now that she dumped Locke? Does she want it, even in the case? What the fuck is up with Calire?

    ps: i got to level three in EverQuest

  17. Brunstallion said

    long time reader first time commenter(pretty sure i just made that up)…love the work you’ve been doing here, Kristen wants it…question KSWI Jordan, why haven’t you covered two tops? 1. the hotness of Jessie James(female singer) 2. no love for Godzilla…i’ve read this blog time and time again but no mention of Godzilla, what gives? PS i want some ham

  18. dmtl said

    There´s really only one thing I want to ask : how come you didn´t know Yu Na Kim is South Korean? It´s been bothering me all week, but nobody said anything and I figure I´d let it slide.

    But then you were a little bitch today.

    Yu Na Kim is from South Korea, not Japan. She´s a huge celebrity there and would probably be so angry you called her japanese ( Japan and SK really don´t get along)she would try and kill your whiney alligator-loving self with those very sharp ice skates of hers.

    Take that, KSWIJordan. Evil laughing face.

  19. Dead God Birk said

    Questions for Friday: where there any other posts where they had a head on portrait picture of you on this blog so far? Also have you wiped that smudge from your chin since last year?

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