Kristen Stewart Wants IT, The Bachelor and The Bible – SSDD

March 2, 2010

If you missed it yesterday, http://www.twitter.com/jordan_is_ok, I’m just saying.

Today’s post will reflect two subjects I have brought up on “twitter”, if that is its real name. The first is the season finale of The Bachelor and the second is the Jewish holiday of Purim. I’m sure you are tired of reading about both of these subjects in these all too popular crossover posts.

The Bachelor

ABC’s The Bachelor ended last night. Sadly, not in the “ended forever” kind of way. The pilot who I am blanking on his name who was The Bachelor… Scott? Was it Scott? Whatever. The Pilot who was The Bachelor had a choice between Vienna and Tenley. I wrote a post whenever about Vienna, Tenley and pilots leading double lives. And Scott(?) PICKED VIENNA! The guy I can’t remember his actual name who is a pilot picked Vienna.

If you recall, there was Tenley. You may remember her as the hot blonde who was flexible, only had sex or kissed or talked to or touched or looked at or thought of one man ever before and she was crazy emotional. The second lady was Vienna. You may remember her as the hot blonde who had bigger boobs, cross eyed, also emotionally crazy and had a less than stellar track record of telling the truth seemingly. Jake! That was his name! His name is Jake. Jake the Pilot. Fuck? Is that his name? I think it is Jake. I’ll stick with Jake regardless. Jake(!) picked Vienna. I said on twit twet twat twot twut and sometimes twyt that I would have picked Vienna. So it looks like Jake and I have something in common, outside of living double lives of course.

I also mentioned that neither Vienna nor Tenley are “marriage material” for me. My reasoning is that I could never imagine yelling either one of their names in public. I could be wrong about this. I could meet them or meet a Vienna or Tenley somewhere else in life and they are so amazing that I could actually yell their name in public, but as of right now I don’t buy it. Someone, who shall remain nameless because on purpose I never mention any of your names knowing that will only cause a murderous jealous bitches hatin’ bitches rage among you all, replied “but could you imagine yelling their name in private?”

This is when I hate text. How do I accurately write out the sound of a shot clock violation buzzer? I guess BAAAAHHHHHNNNNNNNN!!!!!! Wrong answer!

I could imagine myself yelling anything in “private”. I could yell “Queen of Salisbury” in private. That doesn’t help anyone though. Trying to judge a marriage on the good times is a bad idea. The “good” times are GOOD! You can have “good” times with just about anyone. But a marriage is not built around good times. It is built around surviving the bad ones. Marriage is sticking by the person during the troubling times as well as the easy ones. And it doesn’t take much to stick by someone when shit is going well. So, you have to imagine would you fight with this person, would you scream and cry and continue to be with person, would you get so frustrated with this person you would break inanimate objects and still be like “we need to stay together forever”?

I think a good barometer of this is “would you yell after this person in a public place?” In this situation, could I get into a verbal argument with Tenley or Vienna in public where like a typical woman they storm off in anger and I’m left standing there yelling their name. Nothing against those women in particular, but the unfortunate names just doesn’t help anyone. I just can’t imagine being in a nice Italian restaurant with Vienna and she storms off:

Vienna! Vienna! Vienna! Get back here, Vienna! Viieeennnaaa! Don’t you walk out of here! I’m staying! I have not even received my appetizer yet! You can wait by the car, Vienna! You’ll just have to wait because I have the keys, Vienna! Vienna!

Or being in a Macys that has clothes to fit people of all styles and Tenley storms off:

Tenley! Tenley! Tenley! Get back here, Tenley! Ten! Ley! Come on, Tenley! Don’t you leave this Macys, Tenley! This is a wonderful family environment you are ruining, Tenley! Get back here, Tenley! TENLEY!

I know that I am not going to yell those names. I’ll just watch them walk away. I would feel stupid yelling “Tenley”. On the flipside, I could easily imagine yelling old standards like Jessica, Katherine, Rachel, and so forth. Or even some more “ethnic” names like Tasha.

Tasha! Tasha! Tasha! Get back here, Tasha! TAASSSHAAA! Are you kidding me with this, Tasha!?! It isn’t even halftime, Tasha! I don’t even know how, but the Knicks are winning! I’m not leaving, Tasha! I guess you’re taking the train back by yourself! TAAASHHHAAA!

I could see that happening. For a truly honest to goodness marriage, I feel like one has to be comfortable arguing tooth and nail with that person in public without thinking twice. If you are questioning the decision of whether you are going to scream out their name and feel dumb about it then half of the battle is already lost. TASHA!

Purim

The Jew’s have a holiday called Purim and it happened on Sunday. I am Jewish and I went to Hebrew school and I went to Sunday school and I didn’t pay attention in either, but I did get Bar Mitzvah-ed. But not until this past Sunday did the story of Purim ever resonate. I’m not sure if it wasn’t taught this way in school or any school. Nevertheless, the story of Purim is hysterical. Like most history or historical stories, people were fucking dumb and crazy back whenever they took place. People are dumb and crazy now, but not in the big picture dumb and craziness like back then.

The story of Purim takes place in about 500 BCE or BC or whatever. Purim is from the Book of Esther, which means it is from a bigger book called the Bye-Bull or Bible. So it took place back in “Biblical” days which means roughly forever ago. It was pretty much dinosaurs then cavemen and then the Bible and then nothing and then the story of the world picks up when America was discovered. The story will be in bold or at least wikipedia’s version of it and my comments will be the intentionally funny stuff not in bold.

The Book of Esther begins with a six month (180 day) drinking feast given by king Ahasuerus, for the army of Persia and Media, for the civil servants and princes in the 127 provinces of his kingdom, at the conclusion of which a seven day drinking feast for the inhabitants of Shushan, rich and poor with a separate drinking feast for the women organised by the Queen Vashti in the pavilion of the Royal courtyard.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

Seriously! 6 months? SIX MONTHS!?! A year is 12 months and this is half of that year plus a week. I love it. Remember back in the olden days when everything was more simple? Yeah, it was more simple because people were drunk off their asses for 180 days and then 7 additional days all mandated by the government who was also the craziest drunk. Right now it is March 2nd, imagine drinking straight from now until September. SEPTEMBER! And then another week. So pretty much, start drinking now and don’t stop until you see the news run a 9/11 moment of silence. Do you know what you really need after drinking for 6 months straight? Another week of drinking!

Also, you know for a fact that once King A finished drinking after 187 days that he didn’t just stop drinking. He kept on drinking! Someone who drinks for 187 days straight doesn’t wake up on 188 and check themselves into rehab, especially when everyone else in the entire empire has been drinking that whole time too.  

At this feast Ahasuerus gets thoroughly drunk and orders his wife Vashti to display her beauty before the people and nobles wearing her royal crown.

“Thoroughly drunk”? Yeah, no shit. This guy has been “thoroughly drunk” the whole time, but only until now is he about to do something truly noteworthy like order his wife to show off to everyone. Also, I doubt it was just “wearing her royal crown”. Maybe it was only “wearing her royal crown”. I’m pretty sure that King A being drunk for 180+ days at this point probably said something a little more lurid than “put on your crown”. He probably asked her to give a little strip, give the people a little show. He’s been drinking for 180 days! What do you expect?

She refuses,

Typical. Typical woman move.

and Ahasuerus decides to remove her from her post.

That a boy, King A! She refuses and instant divorce! Boom! Hey, Vashti, I bet you wish you did a little twirl in front of everyone with that stupid crown on now, DON’T YOU!

He then orders all young women to be presented to him, so he can choose a new queen to replace Vashti.

King A is the decider. He is a man of action. A man of great drunk action. Oh, what? My wife won’t gallivant in front of my friends – fuck her. Get me all the hot chicks in the room and let’s pick one that will. King A does not sleep alone in the royal chamber any night. I’m the King, damn it!

One of these is Esther, who was orphaned at a young age and was being fostered by her cousin Mordecai.

Esther Plain and Tall, am I right?

She finds favor in the king’s eyes,

Read: doable.

and is made his new wife.

BOOYAH!

Esther does not reveal that she is Jewish.

Even back then women were keeping secrets. Always with these damn secrets.

Shortly afterwards, Mordecai discovers a plot by courtiers Bigthan and Teresh to kill Ahasuerus. They are apprehended and hanged, and Mordecai’s service to the king is recorded.

Check out Mordecai. Saving the King’s life, getting people hanged. Big day for Mordecai.

Ahasuerus appoints Haman as his prime minister. Mordecai, who sits at the palace gates, falls into Haman’s disfavor as he refuses to bow down to him. Having found out that Mordechai is Jewish, Haman plans to kill not just Mordecai but the entire Jewish minority in the empire.

Uh huh? Ok. So Jewish people are pretty much going to be extinct because this one asshole can’t get this other asshole to bow down to him. Holy shit. If I was living back then I would be furious. Morde-who? I have no idea who you are talking about? And he won’t bow down to who? And I’m going to get killed because of it!?! Fuck this place. Fuck this whole place! And by “place” I mean all the known world.

He obtains Ahasuerus’ permission to execute this plan, and he casts lots to choose the date on which to do this – the thirteenth of the month of Adar.

Fucking what!?! King A! Seriously, you betrayed the shit out of me on this one. I seriously, thought we were boys. But I can’t really blame King A entirely because he has been drinking for at the very least the past 180 days. I’m sure he isn’t thinking clearly. I have smoked a menthol cigarette while drunk. I mean I wouldn’t smoke a menthol cigarette ever sober. It makes me dry gag just thinking about it. And I wasn’t drunk for 180 days when it happened. I had been drunk for like a day. So after 180 days I guess I could see myself signing off on genocide.

Yes, one menthol cigarette x 180 = genocide. I didn’t make it up.

When Mordecai finds out about the plans he orders widespread penitence and fasting. Esther discovers what has transpired; she requests that all Jews of Shushan fast and pray for three days together with her, and on the third day she seeks an audience with Ahasuerus, during which she invites him to a feast in the company of Haman.

Dude, we’re all going to get killed! What’s the plan? GROVEL! Grovel like you have never groveled before. Everyone just act as pathetic as possible and hopefully they will be merciful. Also, invite him to dinner.

During the feast, she asks them to attend a further feast the next evening.

What is with all these “post parties”? Drink for 180 days and then drink for another 7 with me. Eat dinner and then we’ll eat dinner again with just a few of us. Like can’t we just combine the two? It is just overly complicated. Or can’t we have a VIP section at the original party or something?

Meanwhile, Haman is again offended by Mordecai and builds a gallows for him.

Fucking A, Mordecai? What the hell are you doing? Stop talking to Haman already! Jeez! And Haman is pissed. If you build a gallows specifically for someone then you are on a whole other level of being pissed. What, buddy? What did you say? Oh yeah? That’s it, I’m building you a gallows! You’ve just become my pet project. Yep. I’m going to make a hobby out of killing you. I’m going to get some loose timber, some nails, a hammer, maybe a circular saw and I’m going to make a hanging post just for you. Nope, not for anyone else. Just for you, Mordecai!

That night, Ahasuerus suffers from insomnia,

It is rough being the King. Everything isn’t always 6 months of drinking and picking new wives on a whim.

and when the court’s records are read to him to help him sleep,

That’s right! The cure for the King’s insomnia is reading to him the workings of his own government. Oh man, this shit is boring the hell out of me. Is this the stuff what I’m supposed to be doing instead of drinking for 180 days?

he learns of the services rendered by Mordecai in the previous plot against his life. Ahasuerus is told that Mordecai had not received any recognition for saving the king’s life.

See King A isn’t such a bad guy. He’s like what? Mordecai didn’t get anything? That’s messed up. We need to correct this immediately. I’m the best and people saving the best’s life need to be rewarded.

Just then, Haman appears, and King Ahasuerus asks Haman what should be done for the man that the King wishes to honor. Thinking that the King is referring to Haman himself, Haman says that the honoree should be dressed in the king’s royal robes and led around on the king’s royal horse.

Um, what? What!?! Your prize is a pageant show? Haman had an opportunity to ask for probably anything at that moment. In his mind, the King wanted to give him anything he desired for good service and his response was I want to play dress up in front of everyone. What a lame ass. I would have asked for more women, more power, more money. That stuff never gets old. Haman is a creep. A fashion show? I would have fired him on the spot.

To Haman’s horror, the king instructs Haman to do so to Mordecai.

The old switcheroo.

Later that evening, Ahasuerus and Haman attend Esther’s second banquet, at which she reveals that she is Jewish and that Haman is planning to exterminate her people, which includes her.

I bet that blew King A’s mind. You’re Jewish!?! And I ordered you and your people dead? Wow. Has anyone had like an out of body experience before? I mean I’ve been drinking for as long as I can remember at this point and this shit is getting crazy. I don’t know what is more wild: that I’m still the ruler of this empire even though I’ve been drinking always, my new wife who I know nothing about is Jewish, that my right hand man Haman secretly wants to wear all my clothes, that he hates and plans to kill all the Jews or… well… yeah all that stuff is messed up. Someone should stop serving me alcohol at once.

Ahasuerus instead orders Haman hanged on the gallows that he had prepared for Mordecai.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA – KA BLAM!

Talk about irony, folks. This isn’t that bullshit about needing a knife in a land of spoons or rain on my wedding day. This is real irony. He built a gallows to kill another man, and now that man is going to kill him with that gallows. Wow. I hope the irony was not lost on anyone at that post party. Just wow. Turn of events!

The previous decree against the Jews could not be annulled,

What? This needs better explaining. Why could it not be annulled? He is a drunken King who just does what he wants always. For instance, 10 minutes ago Haman was alive and Mordecai was going to get hung. Now Mordecai is all smiles and Haman has a broken neck. I’m just saying, why can’t he annul the decree? Don’t start acting like there is some overriding bureaucracy at work here.

so the King allows Mordecai and Esther to write another decree as they wish. They write one that allows the Jews to defend themselves during attacks. As a result, on 13 Adar, five hundred attackers and Haman’s ten sons are killed in Shushan. Throughout the empire an additional 75,000 are slain (Esther 9:16). On the 14th, another 300 are killed in Shushan.

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh… what?

That is the shittiest second decree ever. What type of decree is that? What the hell is with these decrees anyway? I don’t understand this government structure at all. Somehow the King’s hands are tied, but his wife and her cousin can write an official decree that the empire follows. This is the worst government ever.

The rough estimate here is 76,000 people died because of Mordecai not bowing and then King A deciding decrees preside over all. Oh yeah, that makes sense. These are the worst people ever. The worst! 76,000 people died because of this! This is a story from the Bible, right? And everyone is always like read the Bible and live your life like the Bible. Ummmm… no.

No. You should not live your life like these people. These people are fucking idiots. The King was drunk for 180 days as well as the rest of the empire and it only got worse from there. My only advice is don’t live like the people in the Bible. They made the worst decisions. 76,000 people died! What type of lessons do I learn from people who killed 76,000 people in one grand sweeping stupid drunken decision? Outside of not doing anything that they did.

Mordecai assumes the position of second in rank to Ahasuerus, and institutes an annual commemoration of the delivery of the Jewish people from annihilation.

And that is why we eat cookies with fruit in the middle because Mordecai got a promotion after 76,000 people were killed for no reason. Happy Holidays!

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21 Responses to “Kristen Stewart Wants IT, The Bachelor and The Bible – SSDD”

  1. Lala said

    Good thing you started today’s post reminding us you have twitter. I wasn’t sure you had made it clear yesterday.
    Kind of an educational post today. I saw when you talked about it on twitter, but I didn’t read the aricle. And then you post about it with your comments, much better. I learned a lot. Not really. I basically read your comments and ignored the rest, but I got an idea of what it was about.

  2. campbelld said

    I feel like I learned some historicalness today. I feel closer to the Jewish people I know. Wait, I know one Jewish person. Well, in any case, I now know some of their history which is just as drunk and stupid as the history of my people, the French/Irish. We’re known for mixing wine and whisky, making potato baguettes and fighting the English. My god, do we love fighting the English.
    On the name shouting thing, I think that it also has to be a name you just sound like an engry person yelling, not some pathetic white trash. For instance, Megan and not Sharnee or Lexxi.

  3. tiffanized said

    Esther is one of my favorite stories about how well women were treated back in the day. The reason the king got pissed and picked a new woman was because he was worried that if the women of the kingdom got word that Vashti had denied him, all the women would lose their shit and think they had actual, you know, control over their own lives (the actual wording was, “There will be no end of disrespect and discord.”). Also, Esther had to go through a full year of beauty treatments before she’d be good enough to be seen by the king, who, I’m sure, was an Adonis.

    • cledbo said

      I reckon Jordache might agree with the disrespect and discord bit, re: commenters who demand suit photos and sternal head, giving no bikini pictures in return. Outrageous!

  4. Interesting. Your “barometer” for marriage material is the same barometer most people use to help determine a good name for their pets… I hope that’s the only overlapping criteria.

    The beginning of this story sounds a lot like The Bachelor, if you ask me. “Hey let’s all get drunk and party and not contribute to society for an extended period of time, and then I’ll line up all the sexy bitches in this town and pressure one into marrying me even though we know nothing about each other.” So I guess we have you Jews to thank for shitty reality TV. Thanks, Jordan.

    Also, I bet King A over there really just got sick of screaming out “Vashti” in public. The whole “refusing to show off for his friends” excuse was just a clever guise.

    Wow… epiphany: it’s all interrelated! Everything’s finally coming together.*

  5. kt said

    I’m glad I have someone to teach me about Jewish stuff. I have a nephew who is half Jewish… like his dad is Jewish and his mom is Catholic. They celebrate Christmakuh and it makes me really jealous, but I digress. Seeing as my best friends and I are his super cool aunts we plan to spoil him to pieces, but we also decided it is important to teach him stuff other than how to sneak out of the house undetected by putting the car in neutral and pushing it down the driveway and which beverage castles don’t card you. Teaching him about the time in his Jewish history that they used to get drunk for 6 months out of the year, demand strip teases of their wives and finish off a good time with the death of 76,000 people, will come in handy. Especially because I doubt that is the version of the story they pass around in bible study. Is it called bible study if you are Jewish? I’m gonna be the best aunt ever.

  6. Crystal said

    How did I not notice the previous “Fuck you” post? I must have skipped a day. *gasp*

    Oh no.

    Okay, let me go read this current post now that I caught up on one from last week that I didn’t even know I missed.

  7. Crystal said

    Wow, I feel enlightened.

    And I like the name Mordecai. I think it’s nice.

  8. MLF said

    Mordecai totally sounds like the name of one of the orks in lord of the rings.

    • kristenstewartwantsit said

      He’s the name of Richie’s falcon in The Royal Tenenbaums.

      • That’s the only reason I knew the name. I didn’t admit it at first because not knowing things about religions makes me feel stupid and heathenous. But then I realized I don’t care because being stupid and heathenous is what makes my life fun.

  9. PWG said

    Good work today. Informational, funny, great captions, you’re on it, man. Some day I’ll tell you the story of my people, the heretic/atheists. It involves a lot of screaming and being burned at the stake.

  10. Forgetful Lucy said

    The name Mordecai is ringing a bell. I’m pretty sure I’ve seen this story as told by the Veggie Tales. They omitted the part at the end which explained “And that’s why Jewish folks celebrate Purim” and the mass killing part too. What’s up with that? I like your story telling better. Bob and Larry can go to hell.

    • Cristalena said

      i fucking love veggie tales!
      everything i know about the bible i know because of those videos. although my favorite part was never actually about the bible but the silly songs with larry (“the part of the show where larry comes out and sings a silly song!”)

      man, god’s chosen people know how to get down!
      partying for six months straight?!?
      bitchin’!
      if inebriation is all it takes to get in the bible
      why aren’t we mexicans in there?!

  11. PWG said

    The real reason you don’t want to marry anyone named Vienna or Tinley is because of the in-laws. What kind of people give their kids names like that? People you don’t want to be related to.

    “Vienna? Oh yes, she was conceived there during our world travels, after a smashing experience at the Philharmonic which we’ll tell you about ad nauseum at every family get-together.”

    Tinley at least sounds like Chuck Finley, which could remind you of Bruce Campbell’s fake alter ego on Burn Notice, or else the baseball player. I bet his coach yelled his name all the time in public.

  12. cledbo said

    Mordecai has to be the most Biblical name ever. Like, only religious people would ever name their kid that these days. It’s a name I completely associate with Judaism, but I’m guessing it’s not exclusive, otherwise Haman would have been all “I totally know you’re a Jew because you’re called Mordecai, not Robert.”

    I got my learn on! I feel all accomplished for the day now.
    Learning about religion is one of the most hilarious things ever.
    I remember learning in Eastern Religions at uni about how there is a different hell for every sin in some Buddhist sects. Like, if you are a ‘fornicator’ (duh, who isn’t? Am I right?) you get to spend however many eons in a hell where every day you fly through trees covered in razor leaves, until all your flesh is flayed off. Then tomorrow, more razor leaves! The only thing they forgot is the lemon juice fountain.

    And also, every time the world resets itself, we get to live it EXACTLY the same as last time. If that isn’t the suckiest piece of inevitability ever, I don’t know what is.

  13. Freya said

    I was merely pointing out the resemblance of Vienna and Tenley to animated blow-up dolls. So forgive me, if my comment on Twitter ran to sex. I DON’T consider that an overruling quality. Don’t shot-clock buzzer me!

    And yeah, I’ll own up to that comment. Because I’m pretty sure if we get any bitches cuttin’ bitches up in here, my bitches have my back.

  14. Dead God Birk said

    Wouldn’t you want to give a promotion to the guy who had 75810 people who wanted to off you wife and her people dissuaded via pointy, staby rebuttal by said threatened people?

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