During My Glorious Absence – You Can Entertain Yourselves

March 4, 2010

I thought of an idea on how you all can cope while I am gone. This following idea is outside of the obvious idea which is for you all to spend your usual blogging energy on taking pictures of yourselves in bikinis and sending them to me. Outside of that, of course.

Below, I will post a picture. You should create the caption to this picture. Or just talk about how motherfucking great I am. Or start a letter writing campaign to Kelli Garner about how I am her soulmate. Just another thought.

Yes, that is Ally the Alligator during better times. HE WAS SO FULL OF LIFE! Here is Ally with Kristen Stewart. Kristen wants it.

I’m sure your clever little brains can probably think of something funny.

If you need help – I would suggest commenting on Ally’s “pimp cane” and/or his right hand all over Kristen’s pooper.

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30 Responses to “During My Glorious Absence – You Can Entertain Yourselves”

  1. PWG said

    How about this instead? I’ll just post this link that I found hilarious today, and ignore your directions completely. Because Ally reminds me of the “fuck you” day, which was not your finest hour.

    Oh no, Ally lost his iPod

  2. Susanelle said

    Uhhh… have I somehow learned speed-reading overnight? Or did I have a stroke without realizing it and now my brain thinks everything is much shorter than it really is? Or am I on some kind of drug that makes me miss great big chunks of text when I’m reading???

    Because… because… I may be wrong, but this post is nowhere near the much-vaunted 2,000 words of free entertainment I am supposed to get every day. NOWHERE NEAR.

    Although parts of it felt very long.

  3. campbelld said

    More than anything, I find K-Stews choice of suspenders rather odd.

    • PWG said

      Odder than the tighty whities on the alligator? I’m wondering if Jordan’s avoiding learning to draw an alligator penis. Now I’m wondering what an alligator penis looks like.

      That’s rather a fine looking MS Paint gator, all things considered. The vague impression of eyebrows, smile lines and knee joints speak to meticulous artistry. I think his left arm (leg? are they all legs on a gator?) may have been broken at some point. Probably in the same bar fight where he won Kristen Stewart in a tense game of five-card stud.

    • Pol said

      The suspenders are like the ones Olivia Wilde wears in House MD…which is intriguing given that the character she plays is bisexual…

  4. That’s a pimp cane? I thought it was a piece of animal carcass… Or maybe a scalp. I don’t know what sort of extracurricular activities Ally enjoyed, so I’m sorry my mind went to violence immediately. Is that racist? Fuck.

    Aren’t you just the kindest soul, providing us with ways to keep ourselves entertained! We’re just so lost without you… Except that so far no one has done what you asked of us so apparently there’s no respect there. I’m claiming “braindeadedness” as my excuse. That and I’m currently very busy making “Hummer” jokes to my boss that could get me fired.

  5. SingleStrand said

    What if I just say that Ally only wants KStew for her sparkleshoes here, which is as close as he’ll ever get to having a sparklepeen?

  6. Lala said

    Didn’t Ally die in February of last year? This photo was taken in the end of 2009 or beginning of 2010, not sure. I’m just saying.

  7. cledbo said

    KStew – Yes, Ally is the Midnight Cowboy in my stable of impressionable street-walkers. He’s holding my pimp cane for me while I want it to my right.

  8. Cristalena said

    i swear to god i’ve been sitting here staring at the picture for a good half hour and i got nothing.
    except four things:

    1. amazing ms paint skills kswidge! kudos!
    2. i want kristen’s shoes. also her boyfriend.
    3. why is Ally holdin’ a giant turkey leg?
    4. judging from the backdrop, looks like this pic was taken in mexico. Any crazy stories you wish to share about your adventures en la tierra linda y querida?
    man, my spanish is good.

    • Pol said

      lol! The pimp cane does look like a turkey leg! Maybe Jordon’s subconscious is imprinting a deep seated desire to bring home the bacon for K-Stew, lol!

  9. Forgetful Lucy said

    I think what’s cracking me up most about this picture is the fact that you had to cover up poor Taylor…

    Kristen- Ally, if your “hand” moves any lower, Imma give you the biggest effin’ wedgie of your much-too-short-lived life, then cut off your alligator balls and make them into a coin purse- Watch it!

    Taylor- DUDE, you’re standing RIGHT in front of me!

    Ally- Tsutomu Yamaguchi’s pimp cane ain’t got nothing on me. Ladies…Am I right?

  10. Pol said

    I would love to see a picture of Ally and K-Stew getting stoned together, now that would be funny…

    You know, the whole Ally thing brought up memories of my own rather unusual pet, my tortoise Percy… he was a little thing and my charming neighbours boiled him out of his shell and threw it back over the wall. I was only 6 years old.

    Does Ally smoke Camels? I reckon it’s either Camels or Gauloise?

    • Cristalena said

      lol i too wanna see a picture of Ally and K-Stew getting stoned. Jordan please make it happen!

      and i hope Ally smoked Camels, Camel Lights to be more specific ‘cuz then we would’ve gotten along.

  11. campbelld said

    Hey, if your jonesing for a blog fix, I did a Thats Not my Wand! Shameless plus, shameless plug.

  12. Crystal said

    Your paint skills are getting quite good my friend.

    I’m impressed.

  13. Pol said

    Caption for the photo, from Roald Dahl:
    ‘The small girl smiles, one eyelid flickers, she whips a pistol from her knickers, she aims at the creatures head and bang, bang, bang she shoots him dead’

  14. Cristalena said

    i miss you.

  15. PWG said

    Just in case that one goes down too:
    Types of Bitches

    1) Dirty dumb ass bitches
    2) Aint got no ass bitches
    3) Dusty trick bitches
    4) Fishy bitches
    5) Don’t know how to fight bitches
    6) Got all that mouth but can’t step bitches
    7) Ugly looking bitch that think they all that
    Can’t keep a man bitch
    9) Track wearing bitches
    10) Bitches that be trying to steal your man
    11) Hoochie looking bitches
    12) Ain’t got no damn sense bitches
    13) Stupid bitches that act dumb
    14) Bitches who can only get a dirty boy
    15) Want to be jocking bitches
    16) Bitches who think their man love them but get pregnant and be left alone
    17) Bitches who think they better than me
    18) Instigating bitches
    19) Talking behind your back bitches
    20) Loud mouth bitches
    21) Pissy bitches
    22) Stingy bitches
    23) Funky looking bitches
    24) Short hair bitches
    25) Spanish bitches who think they all that cause of their hair
    26) Bitches that be ignoring you when they know they can hear you
    27) Staring in your face bitches
    28) Big eyed looking bitches
    29) Crazy bitches
    30) Nappy tender headed bitches
    31) Booty shorts wearing bitches
    32) Coast-signing bitches
    33) Dick riding bitches
    34) Whipped bitches
    35) Buck tooth bitches
    36) Cheesy teeth bitches
    37) Same wearing clothes each day bitches
    38) Ghetto bitches
    39) Hair dyeing bitches
    40) Wearing shoes that be talking bitches
    41) Bitches who think they hard
    42) Bitches that think they get money
    43) Bitches that go to a dirty school
    44) (page missing)
    45) (page missing)
    46) (page missing)
    47) (page missing)
    48) (page missing)
    49) (page missing)
    50) (page missing)
    51) (page missing)
    52) (page missing)
    53) (page missing)
    54) (page missing)
    55) (page missing)
    56) (page missing)
    57) (page missing)
    58) (page missing)
    59) Gay bitches
    60) Stanky fishy coochie smelling bitches
    61) Tomboy bitches
    62) Stain on your pants bitches
    63) Dry scalp dandruff bitches
    64) Dirty hair bitches
    65) Stealing bitches
    66) Stinky feet bitches
    67) Big gap bitches
    68) Protecting their store bitches
    69) Pajamas outside bitches
    70) Ragly braid bitches
    71) Stanky butt bitches
    72) Greedy bitches
    73) Slimy grimy bitches
    74) Psycho bitches
    75) Drug dealing bitches
    76) Geekin’ bitches
    77) Suntanning bitches
    78) Goofy looking bitches
    79) Triflin’ bitches
    80) Skanky bitches
    81) Mugging bitches
    82) Sloppy bitches
    83) Dirty fingernails bitches
    84) Dirty sock wearing bitches
    85) Uncreative bitches
    86) White bitches that think black people poor
    87) Conceited bitches
    88) Tall bitches
    89) Short bitches
    90) Jealous bitches

    • PWG said

      Suspiciously absent: bitches hatin’ bitches Bitches

    • #68 is the most confusing to me – “protecting their store bitches”. I’m assuming this is some sort of slang that is totally over my suburban white head… kind of like how I had no idea that the “power-U” was slang for a vajayjay. Because I can’t imagine anyone would really take issue with someone guarding their corner bodega or trendy boutique.

      Also, you beat me to the punch re: bitches hatin’ bitches Bitches. Kudos.

      I think we’re “Bored Bitches” today.

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