Columbus, Ohio Is A Broke Ass Chicago

March 9, 2010

I’m back.

I’m sure you’re all happy that I’m back. Oh, we missed you. Oh, it was such troubling times without you. I don’t know how I made it through each day without your particular brand of wit and thoughtful analysis. Oh… well, it didn’t seem like you all missed me. Even during a 9 hour drive from Jersey City, NJ to Columbus, OH, I found time to post a picture of Ally the alligator with the “Fair Queen of Wanting IT” Kristen Stewart. The initial response was pretty much a “fuck you” for simply posting anything. Thank you all. Thank you so much.

I’m back.

Who knows why? Bunch of good for nothing cock teasing keyboard warrioreses talking shit on me each weekday. Make us laugh. Fuck you for making us laugh. That’s my life. I even twitter a tiny fraction of my crazy weekend which includes Snooki from the Jersey Shore. Response? Fuck you, guy. Get out of here. That wasn’t exactly your response, but I can read between the lines. And yes, I did talk to Nicole aka Snooki from the Jersey Shore in Columbus, Ohio in the backstage warm-up area for that evening’s Arnold Classic which is the premiere body building event of the Arnold Schwarzenegger Sports Festival.

I’m back.

I’m not sure how best to explain the past four days of my life. I’m not sure I can explain it at all. I have a difficult time assigning something as the “greatest” anything or my “favorite” anything. I have never been good at listing my “top 5” of really any subject. But if I had to make a list of the craziest 4 days of my life and/or the funniest 4 days of my life these past 4 days would have to be #1 or tied for it. I was in pain from laughing and feel I need a vacation just to recover from all the laughing. I’m utterly exhausted from laughing. I also did not sleep much the entire weekend. At this point, I am a walking zombie in this normal world. The fact that I will not see at least 30 people who are as big or similarly as big as Kai Greene (pictured above) today will be very very very different than the past four days. Not only see, but interact with.

I’m back.

If you are unaware, I was in Columbus, Ohio for the 22nd annual “Arnold Schwarzenegger Fitness Expo Sports Festival Greatest Event Thing Ever And The Most American Experience Of All Time”. Sincerely, I’m not entirely sure what the name of the event was even now. Some people called it the “Arnold Fitness Expo” some called it a “sports festival” and some called it “the wildest fucking place on Earth from Thursday March 4th through Sunday March 7th”. The last one was from me and from anyone who had their eyes open seeing the insanity at the event. All I know was once you arrived, at any number of the facilities housing some of the events, your brain was overloaded with just the wildest visual information.

I’m back.

I will never be able to fully explain the ridiculousness that was happening at all times. At one point, I finally had a chance to sit on Friday late afternoon. I was seated in the press section of the WEC – World Extreme Cage-Fighting – weigh-ins for the following night’s MMA event. I was surrounded by thousands of people who are all taking pictures, video, live-blogging or just watching an enormous stage waiting for professional fighters to stand on a scale in their underwear to make sure they are with-in the proper weight limits for their particular fight. To my farthest right about 50 yards or so away were two boxing rings in which amateur boxers were fighting. Closer than that were rows of booths selling clothes, energy drinks, weight lifting equipment, food, supplements et cetera. Closer than that was the United States Army forcing people into having push-up contests, which I and Dawgz were a part of at some other time. Closer than that were more booths and half naked fitness models pushing the products on everyone. Then a stage where professional fighters were getting weighed in their underwear to roaring applause. Then to my left was a 70 foot rock wall people were climbing. Then more booths with enormous muscleheads then a half basketball court where random basketball competitions were taking place. And farthest to my left was over a 100 prepubescent girls in a serious gymnastics competition. And techno music was blasting. And thousands of the randomest people on Earth walking around. And this scene was all pretty tame and only took up about 20 minutes of my 4 days in Ohio.

It also was a scene from one big room that was in a much bigger building. Also in that building was ping pong, cheerleaders, fencing, power lifting, still life painting, and countless of other events. This was also one building of several buildings. The other buildings had motivational speaking, competitive figure skating, body building and so on and so on. It really is just too much to try and sum up.

I guess the big question is, “did I meet Arnold Schwarzenegger?” The answer is simple: no. I did get to take part in an Arnold question and answer session which was brilliant. He also walked by me, about 5 feet from me, with his ass ton of security and Sylvester Stallone. Yep, good ole’ Sly was around as well. What was he doing? The two of them were on their way to a buffet lunch with vendors from the event. But before the lunch, Arnold was critiquing the painting finalists from the “Art At The Arnold” with Sly’s help. No fucking joke. I loved Arnold Schwarzenegger before this weekend and now I love him so much it hurts knowing I won’t see him again for maybe ever.

He is an Austrian born professional body builder turned action star turned A-list leading actor turned Governor of California. And he has a full head of hair. He is the greatest.

I’m back.

I’ll try to throw in some Arnold Expo stories throughout the week or few weeks or rest of my life, but right now I’m burnt out. Plus who even knows what you all want me to write about nowadays. I’ll throw in some topical news, so this whole post won’t be about the bubble of muscular craziness that I was in for the past four days.


I hate the Oscars. They are a wildly irrelevant awards show that takes it self way too seriously. If you stop and look at the past Oscars and look at what was nominated and won and what wasn’t nominated and what didn’t win then you will notice that they generally get these awards wrong. Iconic films have not only not won awards, but some weren’t nominated in general. It is sheer ridiculousness that people take these awards seriously. Shakespeare in Love won Best Picture over Saving Private Ryan, The Thin Red Line, and Life is Beautiful. Each one of those movies is a defining film in CINEMA history. Meanwhile, Shakespeare in Love is *shrugs*. A dime a dozen period piece that has almost no basis in history romance movie featuring a blonde who has destroyed her America’s sweetheart reputation and is wildly made fun of by all of the internet, the male lead is well who knows, Ben Affleck is one of the reoccurring main characters, and at best that movie is a chick-flick. Saving Private Ryan, The Thin Red Line, and Life is Beautiful are transcendent works of art. That is just one example how The Oscars are stupid.

The Oscars proved that they are stupid again on Sunday night. I watched a little in my meth lab motel room on the outskirts of Columbus, Ohio. First and foremost, were the Oscars puts together by Ikea or Pier 1? What the hell was the lampshade motif they had going? It was stupid. The lampshades were stupid. But it worked because the Oscars are stupid, so they made sense having stupid lampshades everywhere.

And the You Got Served dance sequence to the original scores of the nominated films was highly stupid. Whoever thought of that and whoever allowed it to be executed were all high off their stupid asses on peyote to think any of that was appropriate or made sense or was “art” or anything intelligent.

But Kristen Stewart did look great at the Oscars. So there was that. She wants it.

The Hurt Locker is a good movie. At best I would say The Hurt Locker is a very good. I would not say “great”. If “current Iraq war films” was a genre of films then The Hurt Locker is the best one. It is the best amongst a slew of terrible films that barely talk about the current Iraq war. As far as the “realism” of The Hurt Locker? I have never spent a second in Iraq, the military, a bomb suit et cetera, but I would take the gamble and guess that many IED guys don’t get dressed in civilian clothes, leave the military base at night and then go on vigilante missions. Also, I would imagine the idea that these three IED guys who have no supervision throughout any of the movie is a little farfetched as well.

I liked the movie. I thought the bomb dismantling scenes were intense. I think Jeremy Renner was compelling as his character. I liked seeing Guy Pearce and David Morse for the seconds they were in it. I like Anthony Mackie. I thought the story was simple and small and showed that Kathryn Bigelow can direct a serious flick which looks great with a cast of relative no name actors. I think next year Kathryn Bigelow should go on the list of women 60 years and older that I and other guys would bang. I think the “realism” in the movie stems from it not being flashy, everything is fairly slow moving, everything is pretty dire, everything is dirty and gritty, but at the same time the movie feels very unrealistic. I’m not saying that is a “bad” thing, but just something. Everyone keeps saying how “real” it is. I’m not so sure it is that “real”. Do many IED bomb dismantlers intercept a team of British Special Ops in the middle of random sand dunes and engage in sniper duels all day by themselves?

I’m glad it won over Avatar.

Bitch List

Well, that is hysterical. It seems like every women’s website and vagina haver on the internet has seen and put their two cents in about this “types of bitches” list. I’m taking you the commenters’ word for it that the list was discovered in a 3rd grade classroom in Washington D.C. Am I the only one who thinks that the girl from Precious wrote this list? Or a girl who looks wildly similar to her?

I think it is pretty obvious that a young black female wrote this. I feel like it was the work of one girl in particular and not a gaggle of girls. It reads extremely hostile obviously and of a singular mind. I think everyone at one time or another has hit a wall with human beings and feels the need to vent. In that moment of displeasure they just set a blaze every possible combination of personalities they are indeed tired of. The big mystery seems to be “what is on the missing page 4?” I would venture to guess that “90” is also not the last “type of bitch” this girl thought of.

My favorite number is “69) pajamas outside bitches”. That is fucking brilliant. That is a “bitches” that applies to all races of “bitches” and economic standing as well. Not that I’m against “pajamas outside bitches”, but it is something that has become common place in today’s society for whatever reason. I have noticed it as well. And it is nearly 2/3’s down the list which I feel like means she really sat there and thought about that one.

Henry Rollins has a great metaphor about writing and comparing it to flying an airplane. When you start writing and when an airplane takes off, they both burn a ton of fuel. It requires a large portion of fuel to be used to just get the plane up in the air. It requires a lot less fuel to keep the plane in the air. When you start writing it is a load of emotions coming out that just consumes space. But eventually you’ll get into the air and plateau. Once you plateau and are flying, the use of fuel is more efficient. It is more deliberate. There is a low percentage chance she went and wrote 90 “types of bitches” in one felt swoop. It took time. I would imagine there was great gaps in time between the deciding of certain “bitches”. Some came out in clumps*, but a lot of it was a complicated process of decisions and the analyzing of “bitches” she has seen in society. One of them was bitches who wear pajamas outside. And I have seen them too.

I’m back.


26 Responses to “Columbus, Ohio Is A Broke Ass Chicago”

  1. tiffanized said

    I didn’t realize you took that picture of Snooki. I thought maybe you found out she was there, and you found a picture of her online being there, and posted it. I can assure you that my apathy was based in ignorance. If I’d known you’d actually met her I’d have a ton of questions for you: Did she smell like pickles? Did she invite you to make out on a beach somewhere? Did she, at any time during your conversation, call you a juicehead? Is that pile of stuff on her head just hair or a hair-and-Bumpit amalgam? Did she tell you that you’d been her friend for a long time? Did she do a backflip, and if so, what color was her thong?

    I am going to be watching Conan the Barbarian for the first time on Wednesday night. I heard that Arnold was in it.

  2. Amy D said

    Welcome back!

    The picture of Kai Greene is perhaps the most disturbing thing I’ve seen in quite some time. I’m not sure why someone would dedicate themselves to looking like a mad science experiment gone horribly wrong. …his ears look wildly out of proportion to the rest of his body as well.

    Why did you not elaborate on your conversation with Snooki?? No charming banter to amuse us with?

  3. Susanelle said

    I’m back.

    Who knows why? Bunch of good for nothing cock teasing keyboard warrioreses talking shit on me each weekday. Make us laugh. Fuck you for making us laugh.

    Oh, shut up and write us 2,000 funny words like you’re supposed to. Any more lip and it will be 3,000 funnier words.

    90 kinds of bitches

    I don’t think the writer thought long and hard about this. I think she was assigned to write everything down during a focus group at which a bunch of people were brainstorming all the kinds of bitches. You can see a pattern — you can see where one kind of bitch made someone else in the group think of another kind and they just shouted it out. I agree, though, that’s there’s probably another page full of kinds of bitches that is now lost to us, perhaps forever.

  4. Pol said

    Gimme my 2000 words!!!!
    And I like being a bitch thank you very much, being nice is so overrated and BORING… and all nice chicks are just fake bitches anyway.

    Oh, welcome back and all that shit but I ain’t doing twitter so stop bitching about no-one commenting about Snooki.

    BTW, what’s she like? Did you ask her about that guy who punched her on the show?

  5. Lala said

    So, welcome back!
    I agree that the Oscars are kinda stupid. I mean, how do they choose which movie will win? It’s stupid. And Saving Private Ryan was definitely better than Shakespeare in Love.

  6. Julienne said

    Fantistic Mr. Fox was robbed!!

    Welcome back.

  7. Raven said

    Welcome home. Disgruntled or not, I missed you.

    • kristenstewartwantsit said

      Snooki was incredibly short even with high heels. Easily a foot shorter than me and she was in heels. She was nice enough to do a quick interview and take the cell phone picture. We didn’t ask her about really any of that stuff. We asked her about the basically naked oiled up muscled out guys like Kai Greene who was literally 10 feet from us when we saw her. She said she was in Heaven with these muscle juiceheads because that is her type of man.

      She completely caught us by surprise and she didn’t stay long, so we didn’t get a chance to really talk to her about much. All we really found out was that in 3 weeks they start filming the second season of the Jersey Shore and that they have not been told where it is being filmed.

  8. YAY!!! YOU’RE BACK!!!

    I’m not sure how excited you want me to get. If I knew you, this is when you’d get a hug. But I don’t know you, and I’m not into that whole virtual *hug* shit. But you get six whole exclamation points AND capital letters. That’s a pretty big deal in my world where I avoid displaying emotion at all costs. Truth is I’m glad you’re back in the great state of New Jersey “talking” to us, but whenever I say nice things to you, you discount them entirely. So… I hope my feeble attempt at excitement and warmth is acceptable.

    Am I getting any better at this guilt trip thing? God, I have a mother, grandmother, and am of the vagina-having persuasion myself… this shit should be second nature to me. I’m a disgrace.

    Your trip sounds amazing. I love the insanity. I don’t love Kai Greene. I especially don’t love that you put that nasty picture of him in here and right as I was scrolling past it a coworker came to my desk to ask me 400 stupid questions and saw me looking at it and then had 100 questions for me about why I was looking at that man/woman and I didn’t have a good answer for her because “I read a blog about Kristen Stewart every day” wouldn’t even shed any light on the situation but then she asked me if I wanted to see pictures of puppies and of course I did so I think maybe all has been forgotten thanks to pictures of two-day-old puppies. The end.

    Bitch list… I think there’s a real possibility that a group of girls came up with it. Popular ones. It reminds me of the “Shit List” which was compiled at my high school by “popular” seniors for the graduating seniors. Yep, bunch of grown ass people old enough to vote and drive tore their peers apart simply in the name of tradition. Awesome. Anyway, I think the list is hilarious and anyone up in arms about how “disturbing” the list is needs to get a sense of humor.

    I may or may not write a separate book/comment about my twitter thoughts. This is already too long.

  9. MLF said

    I feel like such a devoted common tater right now. I am commenting from some stadium in Tampa where the Yankees are playing…some team in black and yellow. The game is that boring. Pirates! That’s who they are playing. And a tripple just happened aparantly. Anyway. Kristen looked gorgeous at the oscars. Of course I didn’t actually see any of the oscars since I don’t have tv but I have seen lots of pictures and she looks fantastic in all of them, and wanting it of course. I espesh loved the pictures of her walking barefoot and how some people were all offended by her “dirty feet”. That made me laugh, because firstly she was leaving the afterparty. What woman hasn’t taken her heels off to dance? I mean really. I definitely feel like the party wasn’t that great if I’m leaving wearing all of my clothing AND my shoes. Secondly, her feet were not even that dirty. Clearly whoever was grossed out by her dirty feet has never gone barefoot through mud, dirt, clay, sand, tar, gravel, a swamp, or walmart.

    For fun after mudding we used to run down the aisles of walmart and see how far we could slide before we wore the mud off our feet. The people who were offended by kristens feet would have had kittens. (if anyone reading this had to clean that up- my b)

  10. PWG said

    Gosh, you’re back! I’m running over to Snooki’s Twitter account right now to see what she has to say about meeting you.

  11. PWG said

    Count me amongst those disturbed by Kai Greene. Until I spotted his ass crack I couldn’t tell where one leg started and the other ended. I’m also bothered by the lack of attention to oiling his ankle. Details matter, Mr. Greene.

  12. PWG said

    I was thinking about mentioning the number one rule in my house, which is No Whining. Seriously, adultery, homicide, embezzlement, “reality” show watching, all of those things are more acceptable than whining.

    But then I saw how you called us “warrioreses” and was mollified. Then my attention wandered to the movie The Warriors and the only scene anyone remembers, which is, “Warriors, come out to playyyyayyy.”

    Apropos of nothing, what the hell is up with Big Ben? Is he regularly or occasionally attacking women, or is he just guilty of being a huge dumbass who fraternizes with the wrong strangers and drinks too much in public for a rich and famous person? Has he even SEEN The Natural? I guess we could have a split decision with Tahoe going one way and Georgia another.

  13. I personally replied to your tweets six whole times during your break. I don’t know where you got the “fuck you, guy” interpretation from, because I called you entertaining in one. Flattery is completely wasted on you! And I offered you MONEY in others. I hereby forbid whining about “writing a blog for free”, because you had the opportunity to make $300 from myself and fellow warrioresses Crystal and Lala, but you chose not to take it.

    Here’s the thing with Twitter: it’s conversational. People genuinely really like you and want to talk to you, Jordan. Aww! But if you don’t follow people and/or (at least) reply regularly, no one’s going to reply to you. It’s sort of Twitter etiquette, if you will. I’ll probably continue replying because I’m generally bored and apparently seem to enjoy appearing desperate for human interaction, but others will just ignore you. Some may even unfollow. I could honestly give a shit what you do with your Twitter. You say funny things, so I will follow. I’m not saying you should follow me – my deep thoughts on the benefits of not having roommates (which is the opportunity to go pantless whenever you feel like it, obviously) aren’t everyone’s cup of tea. I’m not even saying you should reply to me. I really don’t care. But just be aware that people don’t like tweeting into an abyss. Except for maybe PWG who continues to tweet to you knowing full well you can’t see them…

    Anyway, I think you should tweet more since the more one tweets, the more replies they’re likely to get. It can be about friend chicken, murdering your office-mates, nude pictures, anything. I also think you should announce your new posts via Twitter since not everyone gets email notifications like your more pathetic dedicated readers, and it could help boost your readership. Self-pimping is all the rage on the twit.

    Thus ends my “Tweeting 101” lesson and rant. I’m sorry/you’re welcome.

    Think She Know Everything About Twitter Bitch
    a.k.a. Preachy Bitch

    • Crystal said

      Uh-Huh. What she said. All of it.

      And guess what guys, Jordan is back.

    • Lala said

      That’s true, I offered $100 for the pictures too.

    • Freya said

      Follow up on my girl’s rant here, from me, Repetitive Bitch:

      Yes, maybe HeyyyBrother makes it sound unappealing to follow her. But you should know that the pantsless tweet was followed up by me agreeing (in the social, back-and-forth medium that it Twitter) that pantless is awesome. Two chicks pantsless on Twitter. And you missed it because you’re not following us.

      Then there was the time when we (with the help of ItsLaPushBaby) analyzed what kind of bitches we were from that Bitches list. HeyyyBrother is a Geekin’ Bitch. I am a Shoes Be Talkin’ Bitch. (But I think I misunderstood the term. My shoes be saying good things about me.) You could have thrown in what kind of bitch YOU are, but no–you missed out.

      And then there was the epic conversation HeyyyBrother and I had about lying furniture–but you had to be there. And you weren’t.

      Also, Twitter is where all the good bikini pics are posted.

      Now I’m going to go give HeyyyBrother a hard time about writing “friend chicken”. Guess where I’m going to do that? Of course…on Twitter.

  14. AmyAlmost said

    Tom Stoppard. That’s why Shakespeare in Love was great. All that stupid period romance drama problems and American wanting to be an uptight englishwoman aside – Tom Stoppard. As for Saving Private Ryan, a lot of people here didn’t like that movie, a lot of people said that somethings just shouldn’t be put up on the screen and it caused a lot of problems for the vets who spent a lot of their lives trying to forget that stuff.

    The Oscars are stupid. But that’s what makes them great.

    • PWG said

      Gah, I loved Saving Private Ryan, and also the porn adaptation, Shaving Ryan’s Privates. I’m kidding about one of those. I can recall probably 20 great scenes from one of them. Side note: I think Jeremy Davies really is time traveling. He hasn’t aged at all. Plus he looks like Charles Manson to me. I think the Academy choked when they gave Best Picture to Forrest Gump over Shawshank Redemption.

    • PWG said

      I will share this trenchant (pantaloons! gimme $5!) analysis I ran across on the Web, bad grammar, misspellings and all:

      “What’s better, Shawshank Redemption or Forrest Gump?

      Dude 1: Forrest Gump’s the balls!!!
      Dude 2: Well Shawshank is the clit, and if you like the balls better, your gay.”

      Maybe I shouldn’t assume they’re men. Or maybe Kay Swidge and Dawgz should just have these discussions at home in the privacy of their apartment and not out on the Internet schoolyard.

  15. Cristalena said

    are you back?

  16. SingleStrand said

    I would like to join HeyyyBrother and _Freya in their rant about Twitter. There are often risque convos being held at night that you have no doubt failed to be part of. Long live pantsless tweets!

    Everytime I think of Snooki, I think of Sookie, and then I think of really bad vampire TV shows with padded bras under white tee shirts and gap teeth. Ick.

    Everytime I think of Ahnold, I just hear him saying “I think that gay marriage should be between a man and a woman.” Oh Arnold, you’re a quick one!

  17. Forgetful Lucy said

    Do you think my boss will notice the increase in my productivity at work over the last few days? I hope not. Now that you’re back, I’m going to have to let down the new blogger I have fallen for. It was just a fling really. What? WE WERE ON A BREAK!

    I’m really glad you had a good time and you’re back now. I’m also looking forward to your Asylum post. I would also like more details on your push-up competition participation. Like how many push-ups are we talking? Because push-ups are pretty damn hard. I can only do 10 real ones or 25 womens. So if you guys didn’t make it past 10, lie or keep it to yourself.

    Ahh Twitter… How much do you wish it would’ve been you instead of Sarah Killen?

  18. Deckhouse5 said

    “I think it is pretty obvious that a young black female wrote this”
    Why do you think someone black wrote this? I’m sure you didn’t intend to come off as discriminatory, but I’m sure you had a perfectly fine reason.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: