Have You Noticed That Kristen Stewart Wants IT?

March 11, 2010

The namesake of this website was on Jay Leno last night. Remember that guy? He has a show again. The show he had before. The show he retired from and was handed over to Conan. But he never really left and instead just hung around NBC until Conan was fired entirely. That Jay Leno and that show are back. Kristen Stewart holds no grudges against anyone, except for John Mayer (n-word thing), Italian soccer player Marco Materazzi (Zidane headbutt), Natalie Portman (bitches hatin’ bitches), and me (writing this website), so she went on Jay’s show.

Per usual, Kristen was pretty much pantsless and God bless her for that.

Kristen looked great. She didn’t have too much make-up or do anything wild with her hair. She looked pretty natural… and she had high heels on with miles of legs. Her interview with Jay was typical. Stupid questions about stupid things. What’s the food in England like? Who cares. Fuck England. We’re in AMERICA! Do you think on some shitty equivalent late night talk show they’re asking British actors how is the food in America? Probably, because AMERICA KICKS FUCKING ASS! Our food rules as well. We have fried Oreos. We’re GD-ing geniuses over here.

Anyway, Kristen thinks the food is good. As mentioned she holds little grudges and even less judgment. She just fucking wants it. Kristen Stewart wants it. Jay also brought up the drinking age being 18, which Kristen replied “No shit, Sherlock”. It was a little uncalled for. It explains why Kristen likes the food: she washes it down with alcohol. It is how I get through most meals as well. It’s also how I can stomach most conversations and the slow passing seconds of each and every day.

Needless to say, the interview was pretty tame. There was an allude to sausages being called “bangers” over in the UK. That joke would have been topical back in 1884 when Jay Leno first started the Tonight Show by replacing some other mild tempered much funnier red head. Regardless, I’m sure that “banger” joke got a chuckle out of most of you. Your taste for humor is quite immature unlike mine. So, if this interview sort of sucked like always and we already saw the pictures of Kristen and her legs then why the fuck am I still typing about it?


Well… “boom!” when the white stuff starts to fly. That’s what she said!

I don’t have sound on my computer and I’m not sure what the hell the point of any of this is, but it looks wildly sexual to me and that is greatness defined. The guy with the very manly frosted blonde hair babbles away for a minute or so and then he invites Jay and Kristen to the front of the stage for a completely impromptu competition. A traditional sport passed in a sacred blood ritual from kin to other kin: the famed pulling tissues out of tissue box race!

Oh yes! What a rare treat! Usually it is illegal to film tissue races. As far as I can recall, Proposition 19*5jas-=a8#34 was ratified August 1822 and has not been overturned. As we all know that Proposition 19*5jas-=a8#34 was put into place to ban any and all video recording of tissue racing. It was an extremely forward thinking bill considering that video had not been invented yet and wouldn’t be for many many decades. The initial thrust of this was… you’re still laughing because I used the word “thrust”… no I’ll wait… that tissue racing was so exciting, so visually stimulating that any recordings of it would simply pacify the masses of our great new country into a devastating lethargy because they would just sit and watch these tissue race recordings over and over again.

But there was a tissue race last night between Jay Leno and Kristen Stewart. You have no idea how long I have waited to write that sentence. I hope the American government does not take legal action on either of them for it because it was glorious. This was the greatest tissue race I have ever seen with my own eyes or read about or seen on pirated illegal videos I have purchased for great sums on the African-American market.

I will give you my breakdown of the tissue race:

10 seconds – Kristen Stewart is pantsless. What wonderful legs she has. Kristen strides with confidence and poise.

13 seconds – Kristen Stewart runs her fingers through her long hair.

14 seconds – Kristen Stewart with her hands on her hips shows off to the world her money makers: ass and legs. Of course, a podium with a tissue box cock blocks us all.

15 seconds – A momentary glance. A dart of the eyes. Kristen Stewart wants it.

18 seconds – A giggle. An effervescent giggle. A lonely giggle in the crisp air of this Burbank television studio. And her legs are now visible again – good work director. CUT TO CAMERA 2! We can’t see her fucking legs!

21 seconds – A left hand, sinestra, the sinister hand, the evil hand. Kristen’s left hand running through her hair. Her fingers intertwined with her hair, her virility, her sexuality. She catches another glimpse for what awaits her. Her future. Her excitement. Her destiny. She is nervous. Her left hand guides its way into her hair allowing the sheen of the waves of hair to calm her nerves.

22-23 seconds – Kristen ever so lightly runs the tip of her finger for an instant over the smoothed edge of her alabaster ear. She is priming herself.

27 seconds – The adrenaline. Her magnificent legs begin to shake. To quiver in excitement. To fully understand what Kristen is experiencing one must look no further than this article on the Sympathetic Nervous System on Sherdog.com which I will now quote liberally.

28 seconds – Kristen Stewart at “full sympathetic arousal is an awesome physiologic specimen. Adrenaline pre-tensions the muscles, as taut muscle contracts with greater force than slack, causing the body to tremble in anticipation.” Her right thigh shakes with this anticipation. Her right thigh is the key to Kristen’s mental and physical state. She is reaching fully sympathetically arousal. And so am I, am I right!?!

31 seconds – AHHHHH!!!!! CURSE YOU DIRECTOR! CURSE YOU! Do you what type of mental scarring that can leave!?! Switching from the slight jiggling legs of a 20 year old female wunderkind to Jay Leno’s insufferable face! Dios mio! La cabeza del hombre es muy gordo! Donde estan las piernas de la chica bonita!?! Aye caramba! Spanish is silly.

32-33 seconds – Yes. Good move director. Touche. Back to the pretty one. Her smile is a shield of armor. A steel plated cloak to disguise the rapid changes she is experiencing. Kristen knows fear. The curiosity that skips hand in hand with that fear like little children fetching pales of water up hills before they have horrific accidents returning from said hills.

35-36 seconds – Kristen shakes out her right hand. Her dominant hand. Kristen is experiencing, “The blood vessels feeding those muscles dilate, increasing the flow of oxygen and nutrients. Conversely, capillary beds in the skin shut down, making the skin cool and pale. This serves to shunt more blood to the muscles and lessens bleeding from anticipated wounds.” She breathes cautiously. Her nerves are gaining. She is almost there now…

43 seconds – Kristen Stewart reaches forward. She has it in her hands now. She is at the brink of a monumentous explosion. She is standing at the precipice. Only physical elation and eventually exhaustion awaits her now. Kristen holds all of our combined joyous futures in between the velvet touch of her moisturized finger tips. Be gentle. Be furious. Just…

47 seconds – Yes! Kristen pulls! Yes! It is starting to get unleashed! The madness is just beginning! My body is tingling with pent up excitement! Rage! Rage against the dying of the light!

49-52 seconds – Yes! Faster Kristen! Keep pulling… those tissues! Yes! Her hair is in her face! Her muscles contracting! Her face fighting from exploding with the want to burn down the Heavens! Oh GOD! She bites back her adrenaline! She needs to ride it through to the end! Keep going Kristen Stewart! She curses in anger and ecstasy! Her brain is spinning! Her vision is blurring! We’re just starting Kristen! Keep pulling!

54-56 seconds – YES! It’s everywhere! There is white… stuff… tissues everywhere! I don’t know how she is continuing at such an animalistic adventurous pace! It’s a majestic sea of white emptying it self like a fire hose from Kristen’s hands! KEEP FUCKING GOING, KRISTEN!

59 seconds – YES! YES! This primal energy is intoxicating. I’m drunk and she’s drunk and the world’s drunk. Kristen can’t control herself in this frenzy. Her evil left hand wants in on the action. Her body is fiending for this to climax and end! How much longer can a human even continue this wild tension for!?! Please lord this is almost too much! But, no… we… want… more!

1:03-1:05 seconds – YES! YES! OH GOD YES! Kristen’s plea to Dionysus is not only to his deaf ears, but he wants more! Kristen’s want is pulsing through the air. Kristen screams out! Kristen’s want is shining like a diamond eyed python ready to sink its teeth into your exposed tempting flesh and wrap its body around your consciousness then to squeeze your frustration to a crescendo!

1:06 seconds – DIRECTOR! WHAT THE FUCK!?! We can only see in the corner Kristen’s knees give out from the pleasure of … competition … of it all! She screams to the Heaven’s again! Her face is tortured with all orga… excitement of tissue racing!

1:08-1:10 seconds – YES! “The heart accelerates and contracts with greater force — often you can see a fighter’s chest shaking with the force of each heartbeat. The lowered vascular resistance increases cardiac stroke volume even further; in milliseconds, cardiac output can leap from an unremarkable 5 liters per minute to more than 20 liters per minute. The bronchioles dilate, decreasing resistance in the lungs, and the fighter’s respiratory rate increases. This increases oxygen intake and facilitates expulsion of the carbon dioxide that is the byproduct of muscle metabolism.”… uhhhhh YES!

1:12 seconds – FUCK YES! The madness is up to Kristen’s neck. Her right hand is pulling faster! Kristen’s left hand reaches for her head. Kristen needs to take back control. She needs to stop her brain from circling down this drain of rushing endorphins. It has to be almost over now. Keep pulling Kristen! You’re almost there, we’re almost there!


1:14-1:18 seconds – Whew, I’m spent. The ecstasy is over. The excitement is over. Kristen is left there in the shallow waters of completion. Our pulse rates are falling. “Within seconds after the fight the SNS shuts down, adrenaline degrades and the fighting high is replaced by an emotional and physical crash. The only hope of recapturing that intense power, focus, thrill — of once again being superhuman — “ is to tissue race again.

The malaise of the regular world begins to set in. Kristen graciously accepts her victory, but passes off her spoils of war. Kristen Stewart knows that no trophy will be able to replace her memories of that intensity between her and the tissues. Kristen knows this past minute of endorphin inebriation through sheer physical exertion has brought us all closer. We are all one.

I fucking love tissue racing. I fucking love that Kristen Stewart wants IT.


36 Responses to “Have You Noticed That Kristen Stewart Wants IT?”

  1. tiffanized said

    I have never seen anyone want it as much as Kristen Stewart does from 1:03-1:05 of that video. I came just looking at that picture. Sympathetic orgasm.

  2. Pol said

    Geez, and I was told that keeping a box of tissues next to my bed was suggestive enough (my guy friends always said that my allergies had nothing to do with it, that no decent girl keeps kleenex on her bedstand)….this takes it to a whole new level, lol!
    I feel I’m blushing slightly…

    I bet Kristen keeps kleenex and wet-wipes to clean of that non-showering vagina phobic Robert Pattinson… why would you say such a thing? What straight man is scared of vaginas for heaven’s sake??? Can you even call a vagina-phobe a douche-bag?? Contradiction in terms??

  3. campbelld said

    Oh god. Oh god. Don’t stop. Now stop. No keep going That was a heady mix of ludicriously thinly veiled, uuhhum things and hot, steamy… talk show. I am sincerly glad that they realise that the people watching the Jay Leno don’t want to see Jay. They wan’t to see young women pulling things as though their life and crack habit depended on it. Not that K-Stew has a crack habit. I just mean that most young women who pull that hard do. Not, tat I know anything about that and, wow. Oh geez.

    On a completely unrelated note. I worked on this TV pilot with some friends a few months ago and now it’s in the final to win a significant amount of money to produce a series! So please help me out and vote for it and I promise you will get thanks when I get my book/movie deal down the track. Luv ya Guts!
    The show is Housemates: The 10% Musical and all you have to do is register and vote which will take a shorter amount of time than you spend commenting here.


  4. Forgetful Lucy said

    Jesus H Christ that was amazing. I’m gonna go get some fresh air and a cool beverage now.

    Also, I’m a total tissue snob. I only use Kleenex for my tissue needs. Get your head out of the gutter for 2 seconds. I’ve tried other brands but they are too rough or they don’t pop-up like they are supposed to. I must know what brand they used for this game. I need a HQ still with the tissue box corner logo visible. Plus I’m fairly certain those are 200 count tissue boxes. I would try this at home just to see how long it would take, but I can’t bring myself to sacrifice a perfectly good box of Kleenex.

  5. Susanelle said

    I can’t get over how good Kristen is at everything she does. She did that tissue-removing so efficiently… Jay Leno was doing these huge arm movements that wasted time, but Kristen was just super-focused on being one with the tissues. Got ’em all out with plenty of time to spare. Done.

    So impressive.

  6. brandy said

    i’m so glad you’re back jord-o and hope we can expect more musings from your fantabulous trip to broke-ass chicago.

    your faux-orgasmic commentary on the tissue races was pitch perfect and a prime example of why i love your blog. “The guy with the very manly frosted blonde hair” is guy fieri from some show on the food network.

    do you ever listen to 101.9 rxp? i stream it in my office every day. they play a lot of bruce and no jay-z.

  7. kt said

    Wow that breakdown was amazing. I think not only did she want it on Leno last night, but she actually got it. I feel like I need a cigarette now or something.

  8. PWG said

    I’m overcome with the vapors. Female hysteria. Possibly you’d have to read more tawdry 19th century literature to understand that.

    I think someday Kristen will stumble on this site. Not like that time she Wanted the pavement so hard it jumped up and got her, I mean stumble upon as in “Oh, for shits and giggles I’ll Google my name and look at the first site that doesn’t have fake-Edward in the summary.”

    I would like for the first link she finds to be the “What position would Kristen play in the NFL?” post. I think if she finds this first, she’ll involuntarily jump back from her laptop and never come back. Not that this isn’t a perfectly hysterical post today, just that it’s more of what I expected the site to be about when I first saw it. She may not make it to “The curiosity that skips hand in hand with that fear like little children fetching pales of water up hills before they have horrific accidents returning from said hills.” And that would be tragic.

  9. Whew. That was intense.

    I avoid Leno at all costs. But due to incessant talk about her appearance on twitter, I gave in and put on Leno for about 5 minutes last night. The tissue segment was about all I caught. I watched without sound as a compromise, so missed her grunting and exclamations of… frustration as a result. But the ecstasy was obvious. I feel like we got a peak at bedroom Kristen last night…

    Anyway, she looked hot. I want her shoes. But I’m back to boycotting Leno. I’m feverishly Team CoCo and will be forever. I have tickets to go see him in NYC this June, and I’m a little concerned I may find myself “overcome with the vapors” and rushing the stage.

  10. cledbo said

    Leno is on too late for me; I’m such a granny. Jon Stewart and Colbert are the only talk shows I watch. That makes me sound way more learned than I am. Though now I know more about the sympathetic nervous system (which to me sounds like a sensitive new-age guy living in your autonomic reflexes, but that could just be me), so thank you for that Jordan.
    As an aside, am I the only one who thought RPattz sounded like an idiot on The Daily Show? He said ‘I don’t know’ a lot, to questions he really should know the answer to.

    There was a fab animated gif posted on twitter of Kristen’s orgasmic tissue-wanting moment, but I’m at work and am too lazy to google around to find it. It was poetry in motion, trust.

    I love how serious she is about talk show games too. I love it because if I was famous enough to go on a talk show I would be the same – no matter how small, the competition, it’s still something I must WIN, dammit! The winner takes it aaaaalllll! *starts singing Chariots of Fire*

    You forgot to ask for questions. I remembered, mainly because it’s Friday morning here and I have so much work and absolutely zero motivation, therefore it must be “bug Jordan with inanities” time.
    What was the last dream you had about? I keep dreaming about work, which is uber depressing, and getting it on with Jensen Ackles, because I think I OD’d on Supernatural and ended up in heaven.

    • Forgetful Lucy said

      I just came back because I realized “Hey it’s Thursday, Jordan didn’t ask for questions”. It must of slipped his mind because all the blood was rushing to other parts of his body while enjoying Kristen’s amazing tissue racing. You know, to his fingers, from excitedly typing about the physiological changes happening to her body while competing so intensely. Plus, I have nothing to do at work and still have an hour to kill.

      Anyway, Questions:
      How many push-ups with Dawgz in OH?

      WHAT IF Conan had picked YOU to follow on Twitter?

      When you travel, are you an “unpack all your stuff at the hotel” or “just live out of your suitcase” type?
      I live out of my suitcase and then when I get home, continue living out of it until I finally put it away 2 weeks later.

      • Forgetful Lucy said

        Ok, one more… Do you ever watch “Man v. Food”?
        In the episode I saw last night he ate a FOUR AND A HALF POUND STEAK plus a bunch of sides in like 30 minutes. It was incredible. I find myself oddly attracted to the guy. Some how it isn’t disgusting, it’s… amazing.

  11. Freya said

    Why are you not offering cigarettes with this blog? Geez, Louise…

  12. scrubbie said

    OMFG!~ Jordan you just outdone yourself! This was awesomeeeeeeeeeeeee

  13. hellokitty said

    this is a weird website

  14. Best. Screenshots. Ever.

    Thank you.

  15. crystal said

    I found that whole thing so odd. lol

  16. kristens lover said

    Shit I just jizzed in my pants

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