This Week In Kristen Stewart Wants IT #18

March 12, 2010

It is a dreary Friday morning. I have not caught up on my missed sleep from this past weekend. I plan on sleeping a lot tomorrow and Sunday. I do want to see She’s Out of My League. That may happen. If I remember to do it, I want to do a rundown of all the good movies that are coming out from this weekend until the end of the Summer. There are a lot of good movies coming out or at least a lot of movies that I actually want to see. It is the second week of March and I have seen ONE movie in the theaters. That’s it. I saw Book of Eli and haven’t been before or since. It’s been a bad start to the year for wide-release* movies.

I did forget to ask for questions this week. Maybe my brain was still aflutter from all of Kristen Stewart’s want flooding my computer screen. But there are some questions and I will answer them.

Do you ever listen to 101.9 rxp?

I do. I listen to 6 radio stations. Or I should say I have 6 presets in my car that I switch back and forth between them like I’m Grandmaster Flash – oof 20 year old reference. Let’s try that again. I switch back and forth between them like I’m Fatboy Slim – oof 10 year old reference. One more time. I switch back and forth between them like I’m any kid who has downloaded beat making software to his computer and now thinks he is a musician aka Girl Talk. BINGO! Actually, I really like Girl Talk a lot. But he ain’t no musician.

RXP is a good rock station. It fits in really nicely considering the main New York contemporary rock station 92.3 KROQ is now 92.3 Now, which is a pop/dance station. I honestly like 92.3 Now more than I liked KROQ. They used to play rock music, but it was all MTV rock music. RXP is good. I like Matt Pinfield. He knows everything about music. Problem is he doesn’t necessarily have the best taste in music because he seems to like everything… and I mean EVERYTHING. And his sidekick, Leslie Fram, I think is a robot. Maybe not even a complicated fully functioning robot. Maybe just a computer with a text to speech program set to a woman’s voice.

I know it is Matt Pinfield’s job to be a company man and sell any band RXP is doing a show with as if they were great, but…  This morning they were giving away Coheed & Cambria tickets like you were going to see The Who live at Leeds. I have never been a Coheed fan. But even if you are, you can’t think they are that good anymore. They’re making the same songs they made when I was in high school (’97-’01). I remember the pitch on Coheed was that the lead singer sounded like a girl. Is that a good thing? Anyway, yes I listen to RXP.

You’re Jewish right? And you seem to like hip hop? So do you like that Matisyahu guy?

More music! Yes, yes, no. I am Jewish. I love rap music. And I do not like Matisyahu. To begin with, the guy is a fake. Also, I just don’t like his music. I would put him in the “bad reggae” category over the “bad hip hop” category. His “fakeness”? Matisyahu was not born a Hasidic Jew. I remember when he was really popular for those 15 minutes that his personal history was told a million times, so I won’t go through the whole thing. But he was a drug addict and then basically became a born-again Jew. I really hate those types of people who fuck up their lives royally then “find religion” and with that preach to other people about what they should or should not do as if they have a leg to stand on.

Reformed alcoholics telling me not to drink is ridiculous. I get that alcohol can be bad and destroy lives, but clearly what I do with alcohol and what they did with alcohol is two completely different leagues. It’s like the want. Kristen Stewart wants it so badly that at some point she may need to go to rehab for wanting it. Where as I just want it every once and awhile, so it really isn’t messing with my life. I want it at a Neil Patrick Harris level of want. I do want it. Sure, everyone does. But I’m not making a career on it. I’m getting by with my quick wit, my personable attitude and I’m putting in the work. And sometimes I want it. Meanwhile, Kristen Stewart wants it so bad she has kidney stones the size of Everest.

Of course, there is no rehab for wanting it. And there is no way Kristen Stewart cannot want it. She cannot stop wanting it. It isn’t a physical just need or desire, this is a divine being we are talking about. Kristen Stewart’s want is of an otherworldly nature. A world where want is the air you breathe and is the moisture in everything you eat and drink. It is the sunshine that encourages life. Kristen Stewart needs no break from wanting it because this is what her life’s purpose is: Kristen Stewart wants it.

I am going to be watching Conan the Barbarian for the first time on Wednesday night. I heard that Arnold was in it.

Yes. I did notice this was not a question, but it had to be brought up. Conan the Barbarian is arguably the most serious film ever made. Hands down the opening 10-15 minutes is the most serious thing ever. But it doesn’t get any less serious after 15 minutes. Don’t expect a happy-go-lucky action film with Arnold, a loin cloth and swords. It is Schindler’s List serious. This guy, Conan, has lived a rough fucking life and he is going to get some revenge.

Great movie though. Quite the forward thinking movie as well – James Earl Jones is the leader of a band of Vikings! Incredible! Can you imagine how liberal minded a pack of Viking marauders must have been to elect an African-American man to lead them? That is wild. Sure those Vikings were raping and killing innocent people, but you cannot say they were racists. Clearly, they were not. Don’t be so cynical and write those guys off as “bad men”. They did not judge people by the color of their skin and that is an admirable quality.

Snooki?

I answered this in the comments section, but I’ll write a couple words here as well. The major event at the Arnold Schwarzenegger Fitness Expo is the Arnold Classic. If you have ever heard of the Mr. Olympia competition then there you go. This is pretty much Mr. Olympia, but in honor of Arnold Schwarzenegger. Dawgz and I had press passes which gave us access to the backstage area where the bodybuilders were getting their tan rubbed on, working on their posing and doing some last minute weight lifting. It was 13 body builders, their coaches, the tanning people, 30 reporters/cameramen, and the staff working the event all in this room. Out of all those people there were I think two ladies in the room: a staff member and Jan Tanna who runs the tanning. I had to step out of the room to take a phone call and when I walked back in there was obviously a new addition to the room: another lady.

The lady was incredibly short, in a black dress, long black hair and when she turned so I could see her face I knew immediately who it was: SNOOKI. It was a very random celebrity sighting. I walked over and told her I was a big fan of the show, could I get a picture (I posted it on Twitter) and I asked about the second season. Afterwards, I found Dawgz and told him Snooki was about 15 feet behind us. We walked over with the video camera and interviewed her. For the most part, we just asked her about the muscle bound gorillas in the room with us. She said she loved “juiceheads” like these guys and she was in Heaven. She was nice. Better looking in person than I expected. Probably only 5 feet tall with heels on. Also, she wasn’t all “guido”-ed up or drunk.

What the hell is up with Big Ben? Has he even SEEN The Natural?

I think Big Ben is young and reckless. I don’t think he has done what they are accusing him of. I do think he goes out and parties with not the most moral girls in the world. And I think he gets caught up in that stuff. The Steelers definitely need to keep an eye on him. This is three different off seasons in which a bad story involving Ben has happened: two sexual assault charges and a motorcycle accident.

At the same time the man has won two Super Bowls. TWO! Even one Super Bowl would be ridiculous, but he won two. Not only two, but each of those were incredibly memorable seasons. Their first was won almost entirely on the road. They had something like 7 or 8 road games in a row that were all must-win games and they did win all of them. They also went through the Bengals, the Colts, and the Broncos in the playoffs. That year all three of those teams were very legit. The second Super Bowl was won during a season in which they had the hardest schedule of the 32 teams in the league. I had actually resigned myself to believing that the Steelers were not even going to make the playoffs that year and instead they WON THE MOTHERFUCKING SUPER BOWL! So, I love Large Benjamin Roethlisberger.

I’m a simple man and I just want him to come back this season fully healthy. I want him to come back healthy and not take as many sacks as every other year. That’s all I care about. I want to see the Steelers win. I LOVE FOOTBALL! BLACK AND GOLD, BABY!

The Natural is an insane movie. It makes little to no sense, but it has two of the best scenes in sports movies ever in it: fake-Babe Ruth strikeout scene and the final homerun scene. The rest of the movie is almost unintelligible at points, but it is fun.

Like how many push-ups are we talking?

Kyle did upwards of 30 push-ups I think as the Army guys barked at him. Afterwards, they barked at me and had me assume the push-up position for 1 push-up. That 1 push-up was a 90 second push-up. I held the up position for 30 seconds as they berated me, held the down position for 30 seconds as they berated me and then went up to do the up position again for 30 seconds as they berated me. I was spent after the first one, but they tried to get me to do two more. I did one more sort of. I couldn’t do the third one pretty much at all.

I could feel it really working, so I would recommend trying it. I talked to the guy afterwards about it as well. Get into the push-up up position. Head up and eyes forward, back straight and so forth. Hold that position for 30 seconds. Make sure to breathe. You arms will start to shake and you should feel your abs and shoulders working. Then push down and try to hold there if you can for a bit and then push up again. Do a few of those every night and you’ll see some great improvements in a few weeks – that’s what the Army said.

How much do you wish it would’ve been you instead of Sarah Killen?

So much so. I would also be twittering every 5 seconds if I was Sarah Killen. I would probably be twittering my written screenplays or my movie ideas 140 characters at a time. Speaking of, I have a new movie idea. I saw someone asked me about my most recent dream I had, but I really don’t feel like going into any of my random ass dreams I had this week. I had some intense dreams, more intense than usual because I’m catching up on my REM sleep from this weekend. You all know about that, right? If you don’t afford yourself REM sleep then your body will make your next REM sleep that much crazier. This week has been particularly intense, but they don’t make much sense even if you knew the characters in them like I do.

Movie idea:

The story is about a man. A fat man. He is huge. This man must weigh in excess of 700 pounds. He is The Biggest Loser fat, but fatter. Not so morbidly obese he can’t get around, but big enough he would definitely need to purchase multiple seats on an airplane and/or not be allowed on a commercial airplane at all. He has a unique job. His job is to be grossly fat.

He is paid by companies to go to fast food restaurants and sit around and eat all day there to either dissuade people from eating there and/or when the media comes around to get B-roll of insanely fat people eating at a Burger King then they will get a shot of him. He is also paid to be the obese guy who does try to go on an airplane and get kicked off so someone can write a story about it or bring up how insensitive that airline company is.

He gets paid very well to do this. To make himself available for this degradation and to keep himself that fat at all times. And he needs to keep making this money for a variety reasons. He has hospital bills for his parents, he has bills for his children and ex-wife. At one point, he was a normal sized man. An overweight man with a wife, kids and so forth. His world started to fall apart and he fell into his defense mechanism for life and that was eating. We find out he was bullied as a kid, had home problems as a kid and was comforted by food as a kid which has stuck with him as an adult. He gained a lot of weight. And oddly enough, he found a way to prosper because of it.

Now, he is obviously unhappy and alone, but he is providing money to the people who need it. He is in high demand from companies. He is successful. He is being pulled in two opposite directions though. If he wants a normal life he will need to lose a ridiculous amount of weight which will need to be a whole effort unto itself and at the same time he will lose his current job where he is making the money to keep the others living their lives well. If he quits this job and loses the pounds who knows if he’ll be able to find work that is that financially valuable. Also, does he even have the drive anymore to try and lose the weight and fix his life at his age? How comfortable is he with just living for others?

We meet this man and learn about his life. He ends up at a crossroads where someone new enters his life and he tells them his story. Having to establish his motivations to this person makes him question them. It makes him question which way he should go in life at this crossroads and if he even has the energy to make that decision anymore.

I think it should be called: Carrying the Weight.

It is a human story and a personal story about this man, but it is also a story about high calorie foods, body image, money, sacrificing your life for your work and the money it provides to your family, rewarding yourself because of your struggles, and the weird world of food how we have everyone yelling at us to eat healthy, but there are places like Five Guys burgers that are the most unhealthy places ever opening up everywhere and they are pretty hip to go to.

Get an A-List middle age actor in a fat suit and make it mostly depressing, but darkly humorous. Throw in an uplifting ending. Get people to question eating bacon cheeseburgers, but at the same time saying one every once in awhile wouldn’t kill you. Have a tearful moment where he makes us cry because we don’t want him to die alone. I smell an Oscar. I also smell fried Oreos.

I know… I know… I’m brilliant. Thank you. You’re welcome. It’s a shame it will never be made. Or at least never be made by me. I think you’ll see in 6 months or less someone else come up with a similar idea and butcher it a bit where he wants to lose weight to become an astronaut or something ludicrous. Anyway, I won’t be apart of it – sad panda. This should cheer you up. It cheers me up.

Hope you all have a good weekend. I will be laughing my ass off at this Arnold Schwarzenegger footage. It really is funny stuff. I can’t wait to show the footage to you all sooner than later.

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38 Responses to “This Week In Kristen Stewart Wants IT #18”

  1. PWG said

    Wait a minute, are you telling us Dawgz’ss”’ss’ name is Kyle?

    • kristenstewartwantsit said

      Uhhhh… I guess so. I’m so tired. I need sleep. You would’ve found out sooner than later.

      • tiffanized said

        You are a dangerously uncensored blogger.

      • kristenstewartwantsit said

        Whatevs Tiffanized. He is the reason half of you know my name to begin with, so … karma?

        Also, I’m pretty sure it wouldn’t take a brain surgeon to figure out what his name is if I posted any of the videos of us in Columbus. He says his name. His REAL name.

        Kyle is his slave name. Dawgz is his name in the eyes of freedom.

      • PWG said

        Whoa whoa whoa, thanks for adding that last sentence. Right before that I was mentally revising your apartment decor to include bare hooks on the bedroom ceilings.

        I don’t remember Dawgz being the reason I know your name. I believe I sent you a picture of near-cleavage to obtain that data. Are you telling me I pimped myself out for nothing?

      • kristenstewartwantsit said

        Yep

      • tiffanized said

        Dawgz’s profile link is to “whatgloom”, which in and of itself is a dead link, but add “.wordpress.com” to the end of it and you end up on a collaborative blog to which Jordan once contributed. Along the right hand side is Jordan’s full name that links to his posts. So yes, Dawgz is passively responsible, but it required us to be super scary stalkers, which we fortunately are.

      • campbelld said

        How do you remember that?

      • PWG said

        Yeah, suddenly boob pictures seems like it was a much easier way to go.

    • Lala said

      I got a little confused when he said “Kyle” because I wasn’t sure he was still talking about the same person. Then I saw your comment and made the connection, Dawgz = Kyle. Yeah, I’m really slow.

    • Pol said

      Jordan needs lessons in espionage and secret indentities…
      I’m disappointed, a man who supposedly drinks as much as he does shouldn’t be letting things slip because he needs forty winks…really, shameful….go watch Fight Club again.

      • Forget lessons. He’s given us everything we need. He was lulled into a false sense of security, thinking all these “Operations” of ours were called off. Sucker. PWG always said the missing link was Dawgz. It didn’t take too long, either. Good thing we’re patient on top of being “super scary stalkers”.

      • PWG said

        Thanks Kyle, that beats Plan B, which was camping out in front of all the Jersey Mens Wearhouses for a year or two.

        I’m not clear on the details of how this allows us to kidnap him (them?) on Hallowe–I’ve said too much.

  2. PWG said

    Why is that reporter (Dan Patrick? Fred Willard?) interviewing Roethlisberger’s armpit?

  3. tiffanized said

    I only watched part of Conan the Barbarian. After he had sex with his female sidekick I was overcome with lust and abandoned the rest of the movie for a later time.

  4. brewdawgz said

    I like how the girls on this site were more impressed finding out that my name is Kyle than the fact I did 30 push-ups with Army Rangers screaming in my face. Tough crowd.
    I forgive you for giving out those vital secrets of my identity because you are probably still feeling the affects of getting all King Konged last night.

    Side note:
    “We got Asylum, Asylum in the house …. yes, sweat baby!”

  5. I have an irrational, burning hatred for this Sarah Killen girl. From what I can tell, she seems perfectly harmless and I guess nice… or whatever. But she is dull. So fucking dull. I just checked her timeline and was greeted with: “Making chicken nuggets”. WHAT! CONAN, HOW COULD YOU? That is what you choose to follow?

    But maybe that’s a fluke and she’s usually really interesting? Totally possible, so I’ll read on… “Watched John and his father smelt lead into ingots and made one with a bottle top in it.” I had to read that four times before it made any sense. And even still, what the motherfuck is an ingot and why should I care about it? Better yet, why should CONAN care about it?

    And then, THEN, this: “I wanted to say something witty and comical, but sorry guys, I am too tired to think anymore.” NO. Unacceptable. Bush league! You’re tired? How much energy can it take to come up with 140 characters of wit? I’m calling wild shenanigans right now. Jordan’s tired and he wrote thousands of words. I mean, yeah, there was that minor snaffoo where he revealed that Dawgz is actually named Kyle (ZOMG NO WAY!)… but he was still entertaining. Is it that hard?*

    I’m sorry, Sarah. I’m sorry I hate you and I don’t even know you. I’m sorry I think my tweets about #nopants and octopus sex are more interesting than yours. But, I’m sorry, they are. I mean… I saw a video of a woman with an octopus inside of her vagina and then I shared it with the world. OCTOPUS! IN HER VAGINA! Fuck your chicken nuggets and your smelting. Fuck it!

    • campbelld said

      Yeah screw you and your octupus vagina video too. That messed with my head so badly the other night. I mean it would of normally, but I was digusted giggling. Not cool.
      Also the cardninal twitter sin of tweeting what you are eating/about to eat/have just eaten. Lame. No one cares. I want to read something funny/interesting. I do not care about your turkey sandwich. It is not my turkey sandwich.

    • tiffanized said

      May I introduce you to the most boring, pointless, ingot-based video in existence. You may need to drink a Red Bull or take an Adderall first.

      • I watched it twice. It may be boring as shit but it is unintentionally hilarious. “There’s my mold. It’s a single piece of… whatever that is there.” The dude himself smelts, and this is the best he can do? I don’t get i—wait, did he just say he was going to make bullets?

      • MLF said

        I laughed at that as well but I can’t be too hard on the guy. Last week I was giving a presentation about the railroad industry which I have been studying for months, and during the history slide, the slide where all I had to talk about was how railroads became popular, a slide that was right behind me that I could have just looked at and READ WORD FOR WORD, I kind of looked behind me, paused and all that came out was, ” oh and that’s just some more railroad stuff”

        I know. I’m so brilliant.

    • Forgetful Lucy said

      That’s what is so great about the total randomness of him picking her. Plus he has SO many followers, there is no way they could’ve selected someone by reviewing their timelines. Or maybe they did a random batch and then looked. I wouldn’t want it personally. I don’t want the 15 minutes of fame. But once you realize thousands of people are interested in what you have to say… let’s not talk about chicken nuggets. Or maybe that makes her better because she is still just a teenager doing her thing and didn’t ask for the world to know her name.

      • Oh, I know. I think they picked the person with the least number of followers (she had 3 before he started following her) and just went for it.

        The key word in that entire rant was “irrational”. I don’t actually think I’m interesting and I don’t actually think I could really entertain the comedic god that is Conan O’Brien. (But I do truly believe that as far as tweets go, Octopussy > Chicken Nuggets). It’s just that I’ve sort of had a thing for him for more than half of my life. He’s probably largely responsible for my fucked up humor and insomniac tendencies. I’m just jealous. And irrational. Very, very irrational. I’m just a Bitches Hatin’ Bitches Bitch today.

  6. campbelld said

    I really shoulda asked question this week. I feel left out now. I mean, I know it’s my own fault and all, but that doesnt stop me from feeling left out. Sigh. I should have asked a bunch of things. Like, will you murder me if I continue whoring my things on your blog? Is this a boil or a pimple? Are Modest Mouse overated or do are they actually incredible?

    But I did enjoy today. We learnt, we laughed, we heard the rest of the Snooki story.
    Ahhh good times, great classic hits.

    Btw, yesterdays tissue race post was so fantastic, I showed all my suitemates this site. Huzzah!

    • kristenstewartwantsit said

      I’m cool with the site whoring. I hope it helps.

      I like Modest Mouse. I like every album they have made. They are even good in concert. The only problem is they rarely play anything off of “Moon and Antartica” live. Yeah, they’re great. I’m not sure about “overrated”. They got popular, but those songs are great. I’m not sure Modest Mouse has been praised enough to be overrated. Like U2 is overrated – not Modest Mouse.

      The new Spoon album is solid.

  7. Forgetful Lucy said

    I don’t think I will ever stop being amazed by your MS Paint skills. How long does it even take you to do that? And you’re SO good, there is even a KSWIJ shadow cast on the photo wall. Impressive.

  8. Susanelle said

    Aw, I like the idea of Carrying the Weight — I really like the premise of companies hiring people to make competitors look bad. It seems like a wiser waste of an advertising budget than doing the promotional stuff they do now.

    What an interesting retail world that would be — where we buy Tide or whatever because its competitors don’t make it look bad enough.::bemused emoticon::

    Well, if Carrying the Weight ever gets made and I see it, I will always think of it as “Jordan’s movie.”

  9. KSWIJ, you seem less…angry today. I’m glad. I was gettin’ a little worried.

    If Matt Pinfield’s randomness pisses you off on occasion (it happens), try KEXP/John in the Morning’s show (at whatever random Seattle-sister-station they broadcast from in NYC – 91.5). He might not have Matt Pinfield’s encyclopedic music knowledge, but he’s damn good.

    P.S. How does Ian Astbury work a pirate puffy-shirt like that? Remarkable.

    • kristenstewartwantsit said

      A pirate puffy-shirt? The man starts rocking dresses a couple years later. The Cult defy logic. The band started dressing less gay and the singer starts dressing more gay and yet they continued to release rock albums. 2001’s “Beyond Good and Evil” is probably their hardest rock album they did and he had been wearing a dress for well over a decade at that point.

  10. MLF said

    this was the first time I checked this blog in like…a week. I just read all of the posts, it was kind of like christmas. If I wasn’t an impatient whore I would do this every week and then friday around lunchtime would be super awesome since I would have something fun to read while I’m supposed to be in class learning stuff

    anyways- the only things I have to say is that A- Kristen wants it. B- Hayden looks better blonde. C- Good Eye Sniper is one of the best songs ever. If that is infact the actual name of the song I’m thinking of…I’m not really sure, and D- ….I forget.

    Have a lovely weekend everyone

  11. cledbo said

    The push up thing the Army rangers taught you does in fact work, their called isometric push ups and the SUCK. If you can do 10 of those, you’re practically a beefaxe semi-superman.

    Also Dawgz/Kyle, I am fairly impressed by your showing, but I did 35 push ups at my last basic fitness test, and the other woman doing it with me did 50 (Fit bitch!), so it’s hard for me to be impressed any more. I know men who can do 20+ heaves, and not the kind over a toilet bowl either. They scare me.

    Hope you’re all having a lovely weekend, I know I am.

  12. AmyAlmost said

    You’re Friday is my Saturday so I haven’t read this until now (my Sunday you’re Saturday). I didn’t know anything about that Matisyahu guy at all, other than apparently he was Jew -> Rap/Reggae like Christians-> Rock. Which made me tune out but if I had known he was a reborn again jew because of hard luck then I still would have tuned out. And I don’t really know what a ‘Hasidic Jew’ is either, all I’ve learnt about Judaism was from watching John Safran.

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