I Am Now Imagining You All In The Shower

March 15, 2010

Another fucking week. It is Monday and it is shitty outside. Or it was shitty outside when I woke up. It has been shitty weather-wise for the past 3 days. Saturday was all day and all night intense rain. There was flooding all over New Jersey. And who really cares? I doubt any of you care about my trials and tribulations with flooding. I mean I made it through it. I’m still here typing, which is all that matters, right?

It doesn’t matter to you all if I’m typing with one arm because I lost the other in the rain on Saturday. That’s right. I could have lost my arm in the rain. The rain could’ve been so powerful it just tore my arm clean off. Or maybe I was caught in the flooding and somehow one of my arms got caught. I needed to free myself so I had to sever it with a pocket knife and say goodbye. But here I am typing away with my one good hand, because it is my only hand, to give you all a couple of jokes. You insensitive bitches, forcing a man with one arm to entertain you like some disfigured monkey!

What if I lost both arms in the rain? I don’t know how, but I could have. Here I am. I still show up for work. No idea how I got dressed or drove here, but I did. Am I typing out these jokes to serve your selfish desires with my nose right now? Who knows? Maybe I dialed the computer tech guys with my nose and they showed up. I explained to them my predicament. I have a host of incredibly sick unforgiving women who chide me, tease me, scorn me and for whatever reason I feel obligated to try and make them laugh to only help others who have to deal with them in real life. I need a way to provide some humor to them because any day that I don’t there is a chance for a PMS related homicide where ever they work and live. Even though they are completely disgusted, they understand.

Now, I sit here with one of those plastic helmets on connected with electrodes and touch sensors. I’m tapping the sensors with my head which moves a cursor on the computer screen to move one by one to each letter. Once at the correct letter, I bite down on the enter/confirm key. Do you see what lengths your depravity has driven me to!?! I have no arms, or one arm, or maybe I’m perfectly fine with two arms and just furious I am at work! But do you see what you are doing! I hope you all feel ashamed.

I could be typing with my feet. I could be typing with my feet because I have no arms or because I’m feeling adventurous. Either way, it is Monday and my sternal head is showing.

Quizzes! I thought I would take a quiz this morning. I thought maybe a personality quiz with funny results. If you remember, last time I took a personality quiz from Cosmopolitan magazine I was near suicidal afterwards. I was going to steer clear of the Cosmo and try something different. I found a website – www.gagirl.com – at first I read it as “Gaga Girl” thinking I found a kindred Lady Gaga inspired spirit. Alas, “Ga” is “GA” is “Georgia”. It is “Georgia Girl”!  

Georgia Girl likes to remain anonymous. There is no “about” or “who the fuck are you?” section I can find on this site. I will guess that this site is the maddening drivel of a very bored and lonely woman. The website says it started in 1997. OH MY GOD! That’s crazy! Nothing still exists from 1997! Half of my readers weren’t even old enough for cognizant thoughts in 1997 and the other half were probably just starting their second midlife crisis. The website looks exactly like it would have in 1997, which only adds to its genius.

The majority of the site is dedicated to the sappiest poetry about the sappiest subjects. Would you like twenty G-Rated/cry-yourself-to-sleep-after-inhaling-a-box-of-Russell-Stover-chocolates poems about hugs? Then today is your birthday because GA Girl’s got’em. Outside of the poems, I did find an entire section of quizzes. Predictably most were unnervingly stupid.

A couple “quizzes” caught my eye. They asked one question, gave you a set of choices, and depending on which choice you made it gave you a mock psych profile on your decision. This is all phenomenally scientific. What candy bar would you choose? You chose a “Butterfinger”, well then you are a kid toucher who wets his bed, but you have great conversational techniques, you drive a Ford and DVR every episode of The Soup. Nothing as specific as that, but that is the gist. The one quiz that I found the most “interesting” was:

What part of your body do you wash first in the shower?

Find out what it reveals about your personality by clicking on the name of the body part you wash first.

http://www.gagirl.com/quiz/shower.html

Fair enough. I have heard of them before. I have taken a few showers in my day. I think I could participate in this. The washing your body quiz has six archetypes: hair, chest, armpits, face, shoulders and other.  

Georgia Girl does not reveal her scientific resources, so we are supposed to trust her integrity and believe that all of this is 100% factually accurate. Whatever body part you wash first when in the shower speaks about your inner psyche and all of your darkest secrets and ambitions will be revealed. It’s time for Sigmund Freud and Carl Jung to take a beat seat to the utter psychological brilliance of Georgia Girl’s findings. Carl and Sigmund are probably making out in the back seat anyway, am I right? So let’s not disturb them shall we.

Hair

Those who wash their hair first are the artistic type. Daydreaming is your hobby but you can achieve what most other people cannot. Dedication is lacking but you will work tirelessly towards goals which are to your liking. Money is not important to you. Friends are but only intellectuals and fellow artistic types. You make the best lover as you are most willing to explore and please your partner. Talent is your main strength. Your best partner in life will be those who chose chest.

See? This is going to be some good shit right here. Oh if you wash your hair you like to smile. None that bullshit is going on with Georgia Girl! She is cutting to the bone. My analysis of this analysis is that a “haircentric washer” is creative, but impractical, selfish with your projects, but give good head, you’re an elitist, but isn’t an asshole elitist like you only consort with rich people. If I had to take a guess, I think Leonardo DiCaprio washes his hair first.

Chest

Those who wash their chest first are the practical type. You are straightforward and do not beat around the bush. To you, convenience is of paramount importance. You hate to be distracted when concentrating and are impatient with people who do not see things your way. You’re a good lover and willing to try new things. Your best partner in life will be those who chose hair.

A chest washer is a pragmatist. I buy this hook, line and sinker. If the first thing you do when you get into the shower is to reach for the soap and not the shampoo or a specific face wash then I think generally speaking the chest would be where you start. Grabbing the soap first is all a pragmatist move. Even with all the special shampoos and face washes, the regular bar of soap or gel or whatever can be used to wash your whole body including face and hair if wanted. The chest is a likely place to start for the practical because it is the center, big surface area, it’s the hub of your body.

None of these archetypes signify whether there is a difference for a man or a woman. I would tend to think that women with, how should I say, “grander” bosoms would start at the chest. Let’s imagine, hmmm I don’t kn- EVA AMURRI, let’s imagine Eva Amurri (Susan Sarandon’s daughter and the naked girl on Californication) is taking a shower….

I blanked out for a few minutes. But I would imagine or I did imagine she starts by soaping up her chest. She gets “them” good and lathered. She’ll spend upwards of 20 minutes or so getting a really thick soapy cleansing coat on “them”. Then she’ll rinse them off for another good 20 minutes or so. And then repeat with the soap and more rinsing until I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE! AHHHH!!!!

Armpits

Those who wash their armpits first are dependable and hard working. Generally a very popular person as you are very down to earth and willing to help others. You tend to get yourself into trouble as you cannot tell whether people are genuine towards you. You are the working type with average talent. Your best partner in life will be those who chose shoulders.

Are they washing their armpits first because they stink from all the hard work they are doing? Meeting people is easy, but being “very popular” can be difficult and get quite a funk stewing in your pits. This is also a bit of quandary – they’re dependable and hard working. So can I spot a dependable and hard working person if they have very clean armpits or is it the opposite – do they have really dirty armpits that they attend to first in the shower because of all the stinkiness they get into outside of the shower? It’s a rough life for the armpit washers because of this never ending paranoia they are involved in worrying if a person is using them or not. Who knew?

I think Brad Pitt is an armpit washer first. Not just because of the “Pitt” and arm”pit”. Brad is obviously very popular and he appears to be very down to Earth. He is a hard worker and he is willing to help others. Haven’t you seen all the work he has done in New Orleans? That is typical armpit washer stuff right there. I don’t know about this “average talent” garbage though. That’s the only thing that doesn’t make sense to me. He is a great talent. Brad has at least a dozen at least good-great movies. So my question is, what the fuck Georgia Girl!?! Obviously, Brad Pitt washes his armpits first when he gets into the motherfucking shower! But you’re calling him of “average” talent! FUCKING RIDICULOUS! I’m FUCKING FURIOUS! “AVERAGE”!?! Fight Club, 12 Monkeys, Legends of the Fall, Snatch, The Assassination of Jesse James by the Cowardly Robert Ford, Babel et cetera! ET CETERA! Pfffft… Georgia Girl, I’ll let this one slide, but don’t you EVER say that Brad Pitt is “average” AGAIN.

Face

To those who wash their face first money is important and you will do anything to get it. Integrity and dignity is not important. You feel that friends are there to be used and life is one big hassle. Other people find it hard to understand you but you are not concerned as to what they think. You are a very self-centered person. You’re an average lover as you tend to be absorbed in self pleasure at the expense of your partner. Your best partner in life will be those who chose other.

Your best partner would be anyone fucking deranged enough to hook up with a face washing loser like you, you MOTHERFUCKER! Seriously, there is not one good trait offered if you wash your face first. If you wash your face first then you are the worst of the fucking worst apparently. Adolf Hitler washed his face first. Saddam Hussein washed his face first. It sounds like Jennifer Aniston washes her face first, which is why Brad and her and every other man cannot stay with her.

Is it just me or do you feel like Georgia Girl got wronged by a face washer? Like really wronged. Everything was all “good lover”, “great lover”, “dependable” and then face washing was brought up and it became “I HATE YOU, YOU WHORE! GO WASH YOUR FACE YOU SELFISH PRICK!” It got really real when face washing was brought up. I think Georgia Girl may need a few hug poems to get over this face washing first business. And if any of you are face washers first, I hope you are proud of yourselves because you are terrible fucking people. I’m sure you are proud because you are self centered and I would like to make it perfectly clear that everyone hates you. Hugs.

Shoulders

Those who wash their shoulders first are very responsible. You work hard at everything you attempt. People often think you’re stuck up as you tend to spend your time alone. You are very dedicated and make friends for life once others get to know you. Money and power are fairly important to you. You make a faithful lover and tend to be faithful for life. Your best partner in life will be those who chose armpits.

This does not sound like Angelina Jolie, now we all know for certain that Brangelina shit won’t last. Responsible, hard worker, stuck-up, loner, money and power are pretty cool, and faithful lover? Kevin Spacey? Kind of sounds like Kevin Spacey to me. Maybe Tom Hanks. Yeah, Tom Hanks works as well. I think Brad Pitt and Tom Hanks would be perfect for each other. Brad Pitt and Kevin did work on Se7en together. Maybe on set they realized they were perfect shower buddies/soulmates and they made out and stuff. Oh? Yeah, I’m supposed to pick a female for Brad, right? Sure….

Hmmmm… Hillary Rodham Clinton. If you change the “money and power are fairly important to you” to “money and power are VERY important to you” then I think Brad Pitt and H-Rod would be a great match. First, Brad – you’re welcome. Second, could you send Angelina Jolie dressed in her Lara Croft Tomb Raider gear and minus her crazy amount of kids to Jersey City, NJ. Just have her go to the Newport/Pavonia PATH station. I can meet her there. I’ll bring soap or flowers or something.

Other

Those who wash “other parts” first are very average. Undoubtedly, you have your inner strengths but people find it hard to see. You must learn to be a little bit more adventurous and sell your potential. Deep down, you are a very likeable person with very few faults. However, the key will be to make your strengths stand out and not just hide your weaknesses. You are an average lover. You have great fantasies about different techniques but unfortunately are not brave enough to try them out. Your best partner in life will be those who chose face.

HAHAHAHAHAH… “very average”? Brilliant! I love the idea of being “very” “average”. Tremendous. You slay me Georgia Girl. Sure you may have some talent, I mean sincerely who the fuck knows what it is, but even if we did know you hide it anyway because you’re a little scawdy cat. I think the “average lover” goes without saying if your first description is that they are “very average” entirely. A “very average” human being is hysterical! Even though there is no hate in this paragraph like the face washing one, there is definitely a disdain and clear bitchiness in this that makes it sound like Georgia Girl has no respect for “other” washers. I suspect Georgia Girl’s most loyal friend is an even lonelier woman than Georgia Girl who takes a lot of emotional and verbal abuse from Georgia Girl. She probably spends more time with Georgia Girl than anyone else, but there isn’t a single sober second where Georgia Girl would admit they are “best” friends.

Also, I sincerely love the idea that “other” is a category. What is “other”? First, I thought “balls”? Are we talking about people who wash their junk first? Their private parts? Their wackadoos and whootiewhowhoos? That could be. It could also mean “legs”. Or feet or hands or elbows or stomach or butts. And all those people are “very average” and they have longing fantasies about using vibrating cockrings or 69-ing, but they are just gutless sheep who will bang away in a mediocre missionary position their whole life. Poor bastards.

So what am I?

Chest washer. I am the pragmatist. I get into the shower and grab the soap. I start up a good lather and slap it on my chest. I need to keep this sternal head clean and sparkly for dreary days like today.

Any hair washers available?

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47 Responses to “I Am Now Imagining You All In The Shower”

  1. Lala said

    I love how these tests give such an accurate description of one’s personality. Truly amazing.
    And I’m a hair washer.

  2. Out of context, this is the most depressing sounding thing I’ve ever heard: “Your best partner in life will be those who chose armpits.”

    Thankfully my match sounds much more normal: “Your best partner in life will be those who chose chest.” I can’t get past it sounding like they’re choosing to do something TO that body part (other than wash). And really, I’m much more open to someone doing something to my chest than to my armpits. Armpit fetishists are creepy motherfuckers.

    I have never once given any thought to how I shower. “GA Girl” has opened my eyes. Hair > face > shoulder, etc, every time. I’d bet most girls are hair washers first though, so you’re probably in luck.

    Also, you saw “Gaga Girl”, and I saw “Gag Girl”. Yet I chose to continue reading. Forget my shower habits, what’s that say about me.

  3. PWG said

    I’m just jumping in here with a comment before I even finished reading. I also suspect Leo gives good head. Even though my husband personally saw him and his enormous . . um . . entourage throwing down a lot of cash at a girly strip club in Vegas. So tempting to stop after “enormous.” It’s not like he couldn’t enjoy both. Speaking of Vegas and strippers, how about that Thunder from Down Under show, am I right? I know you have your own Aussie fan base here, so let me just give you folks a shout-out and say, you make fine, fine, fine strippers. Thank you.

    • tiffanized said

      Oh my God. Their website is fabulous, with all the tan and the AC/DC. They’re going to be in Annapolis on April 23rd. If any of you bitches want to meet me there, I’ll get the tickets today.

      • PWG said

        That show has everything. You start out with your basic long black-haired blue-eyed pirate molesting the requisite “bride-to-be in a veil” in the crowd, move right along to a backflipping fireman dowsing himself with some chick’s beer, and end up with the MC who *surprised gasp* turns out to be a stripper too. So worth shaking your piggy bank for.

      • I find myself uncomfortable with how … attracted … I am to your comments today, PWG.

      • tiffanized said

        As a side note, I’ll be wearing a bride-to-be veil at the Thunder from Down Under event. Arghhh.

      • PWG said

        It’s not that no-class crackwhore stripping where you stuff cash in a G-string, either. (God, what is it with me and hyphens? Get another punctuator, PWG. ##*) You pays your cover charge and you gets your strippin’. But for $20 after the show you can sit across all of them and have your picture taken. So, TFDU checklist: veil, $20, camera.

        I was never clear as to why you can’t touch the female strippers but it’s okay to grope away at the male ones. The women are actually much scarier, as Jordan can confirm.

      • Pol said

        Well in my experience if you allow a man to touch whilst you are stripping things tend to go south very quickly and very soon it doesn’t matter if all your clothes are off or not…though this does depend on the outfit you are wearing.

    • scrubbie said

      hehehee loved the Leo good head! hehehe, he is like a classy douchebag..

  4. tiffanized said

    I’m all over the place. I wet my hair, then wash my face, then wash my hair, then put in conditioner, then clean my pits while my hair is conditioning. What the hell does that make me? I’m going to say “hair” since I wet it first, and also because I give great head.

    Oddly, I’m not sure I ever wash my shoulders specifically. Now I’m all paranoid about my dirty shoulders. Does anyone have a wet nap I can use?

  5. Susanelle said

    I need a way to provide some humor to them because any day that I don’t there is a chance for a PMS related homicide where ever they work and live.

    See, I’ve been thinking this about you all along. I think you’re going to blow one of these days. I remember the two (or more?) “fictions” about bloody battles in the workplace. I saw that photo of you with a gun in Columbus.

    I figure it’s our job to keep your rage focused through the internet, and always while you’re at mork, because there’s shmecurity shmersonnel around.

    As for showering — holy cow, we were taught in health class to start at the top and work our way down. Doesn’t everyone do that???? How in the fucking blazes do you shower efficiently if you do your feet first, then elbows, then giggy, then hair, then ??? That’s a hygiene disaster waiting to happen.

    • tiffanized said

      They never taught us how to shower. I’ve been winging it all these years.

      • Same here. Total renegades. All we did in health class was carry around a flour sack baby. No one ever helped me shower.

      • tiffanized said

        Ah, the days of the flour sack baby. Now they have these creepy computerized dolls that report whether you actually changed, fed or beat the baby when you were supposed to. Some of the robobabies are more difficult than others, even. I had to babysit one for a neighbor. It was weird.

      • MLF said

        yeah I definitely had one of those robobabies. Very fucking creepy, and it cried ALL EFFING NIGHT LONG. like, it would cry for a solid fifteen minutes during which the entire time it was crying you had to hold your magnetic wrist bracelet against this…docking station thing on the baby, and then it would finally stop for two whole minutes and then start up again. awful.

      • Susanelle said

        Oh, judging from your description above, it sounds like you do a modified “top-down” with some limited skipping back up (when the conditioner has done its job, for example).

        I think it would take very little training for you to become a professional showerer… even an Olympic showerer! PERHAPS THE BEST SHOWERER OF ALL TIME.

      • PWG said

        I got none of that “how to shower” or “here’s a fake baby” or “condom on a banana” stuff in high school. I feel robbed. Seriously. All we got was “Coca Cola is not a spermicide.” Which made me wonder if I was going to school with the absolute dumbest people on Earth, which in turn was probably good birth control after all.

      • Pol said

        flour sack babies? I thought that was one the myths of American culture??

      • kristenstewartwantsit said

        I never had a flour sack baby or robot baby or any type of baby. Never was taught how to properly wash myself in health class either.

        I did get to watch the “miracle of life” video my senior of high school. I laughed uncontrollably to tears when the the purple embryonic fluid dumped out in the middle of the tug of war getting the baby out. The human anatomy is silly and so was the woman’s overgrown 70’s bush.

      • My favorite part was the close-up thermal camera footage of some dude getting an erection. Talk about laughing uncontrollably…

      • Pol said

        ewwww! I got animated videos…no-one needs to see the real stuff….aaaack!!! Kids of the future will get it in 3D…next…smell-o-vision…

      • tiffanized said

        I went to a high school so ridiculously conservative that our sex ed consisted of two hours about our menstrual cycles in my junior year (I’m guessing most of us were pretty well acquainted with our cycles by that point). The boys learned that sometimes their one nut hangs lower than their other nut. That was it. Some of us protested by asking questions about dental dams and masturbation and were threatened with expulsion if we didn’t knock it off. In a graduating class of 99, eight of us were either pregnant or had a baby within a year of graduation, and everyone wondered why.

      • kt said

        Jesus Christ. We started sex ed in 4th(!) grade. They kept us separate until 7th grade when we learned about diseases completely with pictures of genital warts that looked like heads of cauliflower hanging off some poor guys penis. Some girl in my class threw up it was so gross. We never did get to practice putting condoms on bananas though.

      • We never got the banana condom lesson either, sadly. But they started sex ed in 5th grade for us – sent us home with booklets chock full of reproductive system illustrations and a goody bag containing deodorant and tampons. Party! In reality, it was probably just a subtle way of telling us we all stank and needed to get our shit together before heading off to Junior High the following year. Most of us had read the booklets and laughed at the pictures on the bus long before 5th grade.

        I don’t know how we got from showering habits to childhood sex ed classes, but this is pretty typical of us, isn’t it? At least it’s not eel sex. For the record, they didn’t talk about that in health either.

      • kt said

        We had egg babies in health class. Mine managed to survive the whole week, but her Sharpie face came off when I put it in the fridge to “sleep” at night.

      • tiffanized said

        If they really wanted to teach us about what a pain it is to be a parent, they’d have us clean up vomit out of carpet or sit through a morning of child support enforcement hearings. Crying babies are a piece of fucking cake.

    • Pol said

      Hmm, I remember health class pearl of wisdom on this matter and it was to wash your face in the bathwater before you get in otherwise you would get acne so all assumed that those who had acne were washing their faces with their toe-jam.

      Anyone remember that episode of Friends where Chandler and Joey have a fight over who used the soap on which body part last? That was funny.

  6. PWG said

    What. A. Letdown.
    We (the vagina-havers and Campbell) have expended ungodly amounts of time that our employers would like back tutoring you in the ways of the breasticled. And you pick hair washers. You ignorant, unteachable man.

    “And all those people are “very average” and they have longing fantasies about using vibrating cockrings or 69-ing, but they are just gutless sheep who will bang away in a mediocre missionary position their whole life.”

    It’s like you’ve never watched librarian or nun porn in your life. Come sit down at my knee, grasshopper, you want the fantasizing sheep. If you can knock a fantasizing “other”-washing gutless sheep out of their rut, you will have amazing sex for the rest of your life. First of all, she won’t start out as a total whore. All she’s had is boring missionary sex with her high school boyfriend and her girlfriend’s sleazy cousin Mike “The Situation.” But the whole time she’s fantasizing about X-rated, really good deviant sex. You’re going to flash those arm tattoos, Mister, and show her what she’s been missing. Start with an untutored enthusiastic lover with a detailed and tawdry fantasy life and you could end up getting licked clean in the back of a limo.

    I’m a hair washer.

  7. MLF said

    I have to wash my hair first because of how long it is. If I don’t get it wet it gets in my face, and also I wash it first so that it can dry a little bit while I’m shaving so that by the time I get out of the shower it isn’t still soaking wet. I feel like women who leave conditioner in their hair for a couple minutes definitely wash their hair first so that they can be productive and wash other things while the conditioner is in. I don’t wash my face in the shower, and I definitely have a “system.” it’s so funny- anytime I am in the shower with someone and they deviate from my little routine I am always so baffled. Like, you’re shaving first? what??

  8. PWG said

    Stellar post today, sir. Really excellent captioning, too.

  9. Pol said

    What is the point of washing your face and body first? Start from the top, if hair is dirty. Shampoo hair, apply conditioner, wash armpits and groinal region, rinse conditioner out, wash face, wash all over…wash pits etc again if it’s been one of those days.

    On days I don’t need to wash hair, pits come first…does it count if you have to remove make-up before you get into the shower? I’m confused?

    Some days I start with feet if they’re dirty from walking barefoot, good grief, I’m defective, thanks Jordan and gagirl, I’ll just continue with this bottle of wine till I pass out….

    And actually I love it when you get all nasty and the thought of you typing this with your nose sent me into fits of giggles almost causing me to overcook my pasta. Great post!

    Not a PMS sufferer, I can turn into a bitch at will thank very much.

  10. Julienne said

    Face first. For some reason knowing whatever I use to wash my face has washed another part of my body first creeps me out.

    I like that you said ‘sparkly’ at the end of your post.

    Oh, and the fact that you choose to armlessly write a blog about KStew and NOT produce award-winning paintings with a paintbrush in your teeth makes you very average, dude. Just sayin.

  11. kt said

    I have never thought about the order in which I shower and I’m not sure about anything other than I wash my hair first because if I don’t it gets in the way of trying to do anything else. I’m almost positive the same goes for every girl with long hair.

    And, for the record, I’d care if you lost both of your arms in the rain and were typing todays 2000 words with your toes. I’d want pictures of that awesomeness.

  12. Pol said

    Despite our animated videos I got a thorough sex education at school, use of every contraception under sun included as well.
    Flour sack babies and avoiding the whole thing is silly, as my dad said in his usual direct way when I hit puberty: You do realise that if you have unprotected sex you will fall pregnant?
    Lol, bless his directness but I nearly died!

  13. Pol said

    Well in South Africa our president believes that a shower rids you of HIV infection, no jokes, just google Zuma + shower.

  14. AmyAlmost said

    I hate showers. I sit in the bath and soak. Then I wash my hair.

    It floods where I live and I still have two arms.

  15. cledbo said

    I love how you crazy bitches think.

    Though really it’s not a big leap from personal hygiene to bananas on condoms. We did get that lesson, go us! Also the animated videos. No babies, though. I was at a selective girls high school and they assumed we didn’t need extreme reminders about the whole sex=pregnant thing. Though one of my friends was knocked up at 17 – her kid is now nearly 10, and I have middle-aged colleagues with new babies. In some ways I think Vyv had the right idea…

    I can’t use soap because I have the worst genetics evah, and I rarely wash my hair because it’s fucking dry over here and it would probably fall out.
    Unfortunately that means I’m a face washer, because damned if I’m not going to use my $50 make-up remover to try and prevent dreaded pimple face.
    Screw you GA girl! GA was only good for one thing, and we don’t need your lax consensual sex laws any more! Not that I ever did, because the age of consent in Aus is 16. Creepy, huh?

    Speaking of 70s bush, anyone stumble across their parent’s copy of The Joy of Sex as a youngster? Or are you willing to show your age and admit that you bought one while the 80s were still going strong?

  16. McDamy said

    my routine has varied but definitely been washing hair first for many years…the description was pretty dead on…always daydreaming.
    they showed us that wretched ‘miracle of life’ in catholic high school! in bio we had the option of disecting a frog or watching it for the second or third time – gimme that scalpel! we also watched ‘about last night’ as a cautionary tale of jumping into bed with rob lowe and ‘pump up the volume’ not sure of the lesson but maybe because it is just awesome! then again i graduated college in 1997 so maybe my definition of awesome is not universal to this site…

  17. aneira said

    meeee! i always wash my hair first and i was surprised to see that the description was pretty accurate. i think im a creative person, im not bad at art but im not that great either. … im hoping that guitar will be my outlet, i have recently taken up the hobby. : D

    and i saw MUSE last friday!!!!!!
    it was the most wonderful magical amazing experience of my liffee
    i was in the same ROOM as Matthew Bellamy!
    and even if your not that much of a muse fan,
    the show was incredible! matthew is soo talented, he can play bass on his guitar while playing the guitar both beautifully and effortlessly. i dont know if you understand how difficult that is to master. he is on the floor and flailing his guitar around all while playing it EFFORTLESSLY. ive heard some mfin badass guitar in my life, and im not talkin whiney punk band. im not even talkin tom morello, jack white kinda guitar. im talkin jimmy page, john butler shit. he may not show it on the recordings, but he was in the top 5 best guitar playing i have ever heard in my life.
    not only that, but he can play piano soo beautifully and compose classical music. do you know how hard that is? it was beautiful.
    and he has the voice of an angel. i mean wow. it sounded better than the recordings, which is not something you see very often. all while he was playing bass and guitar on his guitar and flailing around all over the place. that takes so much control.
    and it was visually stunning. just gorgeous to see their beautiful set.
    even if you dont like the band, even if he is not the best guitar player in the world, which he is not, i personally believe he is one of the most all around talented musicians who is currently living. and to gain my respect like that is reallly saying something. i do NOT give complements like that out very easily. matthew has 100% gained my musical respect forever.

    all in all, it was the greatest live show i have ever seen. and i would give up any band concert to see them again. even radiohead, they are one of my favorite bands ever. i still cannot even articulate how amazing the show was. nothing can compare. and i know that if you saw what i saw, if you heard what i heard, you would understand. so that is really saying something. kudos to matthew bellamy. i am in love with him.

    lol.

    ps the lead of silversun pickups was so awkward and funny. c:

  18. cledbo said

    Not that I necessarily think anyone cares more about my personal life than yours, Jordo (although they totally do), but I will be in the literal terra australis incognita for 3 days, out of not only internet but cellphone range. Who knew places like that still existed? I’m so cloistered, hah.

    Anyway, no witticisms from this direction until next week, because the army kindly came and stole my weekend from me, the bastards.
    You’ll have to go on without me. I know it will be hard, but you have to be strong! Try not to cry too much. Hopefully HB doesn’t get the DTs while I’m gone.

    • PWG said

      We’ll miss you; don’t go killing anything that doesn’t need killin’. Also, I just took a shower and was very self-conscious about the whole thing.

    • I’ve actually sworn off drinking (don’t worry, only temporarily) following some less than stellar decisions made during my St. Patrick’s boozing bonanza this past Saturday, so it’s only fitting that the resident bartender not be around to tempt me. I’ll pick up where I left off upon your return. Good luck out there. It sounds a little too close to being Amish for my liking.

      Also, I’m now thinking about the details of PWG’s showering, which I find a little unnerving. Back in the days when we were all anonymous, this may have been only slightly less creepy.

      • PWG said

        Hair. It was the hair first again. I almost went with “my beard” but realized someone would think that was a euphemism for something. Though if you go back far enough, I guess it is.

        Personally HB, I find it totally non-creepy now, especially since I was wondering at the time, “Did Kay Swidge mean he was imagining us all in the shower simultaneously?”. Well if he wasn’t before, I guess he is now.

  19. PWG said

    I must acknowledge the comedy genius that is Hitler Hussein Aniston. I feel really confident that you’re the first person ever to compare Jennifer Aniston to Adolph Hitler. In a nutshell, that’s why I love you. Well, that plus all the wine I’m drinking right now.

    • “Hitler Hussein Aniston” makes me think of “Selleck Waterfall Sandwich”. I just checked and http://hitlerhusseinaniston.tumblr.com/ is totally still available (surprise!). Jordan, you’re not too busy with this blog already – onto the next! It’s destined to be a pop culture phenomenon, and soon you’ll have a whole new gaggle of girls throwing themselves at you. Get on it.*

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