We Are Celebrating The Acheivements Of A Historic Man Today

March 17, 2010

Happy St. Patrick’s Day! YEAH! I’m at work so fuck all of you that are not.

I have two things to say about St. Patrick’s Day and then I will move on to a much more interesting topic which is mathematics and the phenomenal story of Winston Bennett’s sexual encounters with thousands of women.

1. St. Patrick’s Day is on March 17th because there was a debate whether or not it should be on March 1st or March 7th and the compromise was to celebrate it on March 17th. That is literally what I was taught. I am passing that onto you whether it is true or false. Just saying. It sounds reasonable enough for an island full of potato eating drunks that I hold lineage to. It also sounds more reasonable than saying that William Blackstone, Thomas Acquinas and John Calvin meant more to creating the framework of this country than the fucking man who wrote the framework for this country THOMAS MOTHERFUCKING JEFFERSON!

2. My fondest St. Patrick’s Day was in 2005. I was a Senior at Saint Joseph’s University in Philadelphia, PA. I had no Thursday classes. I promptly woke up at 10:30am. I had to be at what I believe was the former President’s lounge on campus to an interview a professor. At the time, Dawgz, another friend we’ll call Kenneth Cole Snake, and I were making a political documentary. That day we were interviewing one of our favorite professors – Dr. Arnold Farr.

I got to the room around 11am. It was a big room with leather couches, a projector screen and paintings of all the former SJU Presidents or something aka white guys who are dead. I rigged up the projector to play the NCAA Basketball tournament on the far wall. I sat and watched it until Kenneth Cole Snake and Dawgz showed up at 11:30am. Dr. Arnold Farr arrived around 12:30pm. We interviewed him for an hour in which he talked on a host of subjects raging from radical historicism, symbolic representation, failure of the Democratic party in the 2004 election, the voting practices of the South mirroring racism, growing up in the South (he is from South Carolina), and hope for the future.

Afterwards, we walked over to the local SJU bar, The Muddy Duck, and proceeded to drink Yuengling. They did not serve Guinness because they were the shittiest bar ever, but they were our shittiest bar ever. Friends joined us and we drank for several hours at the Duck. Around 3pm, we went down the block to Larry’s (a cheesesteak, pizza, sandwich place) and got some food. We returned to The Duck. We drank. We left the duck around 5pm. Went to a friend’s apartment. Drank there. Around 8pm went back to the Duck with Guinness cans stuffed in our pockets. Smuggled them in. Drank them and then drank whatever else until 1-2 am. During that time all of the SJU drinking class showed up at the bar for some period of time. It was jam packed, dirty, loud and somehow overpriced as usual. At some point, I DDTed a friend onto the pool table (sorry Dave).

I made it back to my apartment drunk as can be. Passed out. And most likely didn’t go to class on Friday. That’s about the best one I can remember.

Now… The REAL topic…

Winston George Bennett III

 

Until yesterday, I had never heard of Winston Bennett. I did not know Winston was born and raised in Louisville, Kentucky. I did not know he was named “Mr. Basketball” in the state of Kentucky in 1983. I did not know about Winston Bennett playing for the University of Kentucky. I did not know that he led the Wildcats to the Final Four and to the Sweet Sixteen finishes in two respective seasons. I did not know anything about the collegiate basketball awards Winston Bennett won. I did not know he was drafted by the Cleveland Cavaliers. I did not know he was a bust in the NBA and only played for 3 seasons. I didn’t know about him returning to the University of Kentucky to be an assistant coach. I didn’t know he was apart of Kentucky’s NCAA Tournament Championship team in 1996. I didn’t know he followed Rick Pitino to the NBA as an assistant coach for the Boston Celtics. I didn’t know about him being named the head coach of Kentucky State University in 2000. And I didn’t know that Winston Bennett was currently the head coach for a school named Mid-Continent University. I didn’t even know there was a Mid-Continent University.

I will admit I did not know any of these things about Winston George Bennett III. I do now. And the reason I do is because of one amazing thing Winston George Bennett III did: HE HAD SEX WITH EVERY WOMAN! Or pretty fucking close.

Yesterday, there was an article/interview on The Huffington Post with Mr. Bennett where he revealed that he was a sex addict:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/03/16/winston-bennett-sex-addic_n_500970.html

Bennett claims that when he was single he averaged having sex with 90 different women a month. Yes, you read that correctly. That was 90 as in NINETY as in a nine with a zero after it. As in count how many fingers you have – should be 10 unless you are a FREAK – and then multiply that by 9. Now replace those 90 fingers with 90 different skanky ass women having sex with professional basketball marginal footnote Winston Bennett. I know that Wilt Chamberlain said he had sex with 20,000 women which is insanity, but he was one of the greatest basketball players ever. I didn’t even know Bennett existed and I love basketball. So this is kind of crazier.

As you can guess, I now love Winston George Bennett III. He should be elected to the Hall of Fame of Greatest Human Beings Ever alongside Willie “I fought a bear in Japan on film” Williams. Over the course of a month, on average Winston slept with 90 different women which would be roughly 3 a day. THREE different women a day!?! That is ludicrously brilliant. And this is only part of the story. There is so much more amazingness in Winston’s story post playing basketball with his trials and tribulations on and off the court, but today we will only talk about the positive: SEX WITH 3 DIFFERENT WOMEN A DAY!

That was some rudimentary math right there; 90 women a month, there are 30-31 days in a given month is 3 or 2.9 women a day that Winston is having sex with. I would like to continue with this mathematics for … well ever and I will, but let me also establish two other numbers that Winston mentions in this interview: 4 and 45.

4 – The number 4 signifies how many different women Winston Bennett was sleeping with on average every week when he was in HIGH SCHOOL! Winston Bennett was the COOLEST dude in high school.

45 – Winston Bennett had a transformative moment in 1989, he got married. Winston had another transformative moment when he cheated on his wife the very next day after they got married. The number 45 is Winston’s estimate of how many women he slept with in a given month after getting married. And if you are wondering – HE IS STILL MARRIED!

Yes, Winston Bennett and reliable Peggy have been married for over 20 years. She and he are both religious people. Stoic Peggy has been helped by Jesus and religion to stay strong and stay with Winston. Meanwhile, Winston has been “religiously” cheating on her since the moment they met.

Now, is the time for mathematics. NUMBERS!

Winston Bennett graduated from high school in Louisville, Kentucky in 1983. This idea of sleeping with 4 different women a week in high school probably did not start when he was a freshman. Let’s just start with his senior year of high school (1982) because that was the year he was named “Mr. Basketball” in Kentucky – which we all know is a very prestigious and sexy honor.

If he averaged this all year –

52 weeks a year X 4 scandalously slutty women = 208 different freaky deakys.

Let’s assume that this was 1982. In 1982, Winston Bennett finished his junior year in high school and later in the year started his senior year of high school. At some point in 1983, Winston knows that he will begin playing for the University of Kentucky. I think it is very safe to assume this is when the 4 times a week escalates closer to the pinnacle that is 3 different hoes a day.

4 floozies over 7 days becomes 21 floozies over 7 days, which is a 5.25x growth.

None of us assume that this happens over night. Women are easy, but not that easy, am I right? Winston graduates high school in 1983 and starts playing for the Wildcast of Kentucky that same year. He continues to play for the Wildcats until he graduates in 1988. Winston then plays basketball in Italy and for the CBA in 1988, before he begins his short lived NBA career in 1989 – the same year he got married to good ole’ steadfast Peggy.

I am going to make a humble estimate that by 1987 Winston had reached his pinnacle of 3 different harlots a day. Winston would have been 22 years old and I think I am making more than enough of a modest estimate. The man is 6’7” and carries the nickname “Steady Bee” who wouldn’t want to have sloppy seconds or thirds sex with that?

4 years, annual growth of an additional 1.3125x women a week –

In 1982, Winston Bennett had sex with 208 different women.

In 1983, Winston Bennett had sex with 273 different women.

1984, Winston Bennett had sex with 546 women.

1985, Winston Bennett had sex with 819 women.

1986, Winston Bennett had sex with 1092 women.

AHHHHHHHHHHHAHAHAHHHHHHHH!!!!! I LOVE BEING ALIVE!!!!

And since 52 weeks a year x 7 days = 364 days and there are 365 days a year, we’ll just say that 1987 was when Winston finally began having sex with 1095 or 3 women a day for the full year.

Let’s continue this idea; Winston Bennett had sex with 1095 women in both 1987 and in 1988. Most would assume that Winston’s average of 3 women a day definitely went up when he was playing professional basketball in Italy in 1988. We all know how those hairy European chicks love to bone black guys who play ball from Kentucky. But I will keep these estimates of 3 a day at 3 a day because that is the gospel from Sir Winston Bennett himself.

How does this compare to his stats in college? Winston played from 1983-1988 for the University of Kentucky – that is 5 years. Winston was there for the second half of 1983 and the first half of 1988. While at the University of Kentucky, I estimate Winston George Bennett III had sex with 4236 whores. INCREDIBLE!

Over the 5 seasons that Winston played at UK he played for a total of 133 games for 3713 minutes. So he had sex with 500 more women than minutes he played basketball in college. He did have to be red-shirted for one season which I would assume sucked for him as a basketball player, but I would definitely assume it didn’t stop him from having insane amounts of sex. While at Kentucky he scored 1399 points and grabbed 799 rebounds. Which means for basically every point scored on the court he “scored” with three different women off the court. Or at least we hope off the court. For every rebound he grabbed off the glass he put his penis inside 5.3 different women somewhere on this BEAUTIFUL PLANET!  

If we add it all up, before Winston Bennett played one second of professional basketball for the NBA – he had dogged the shit out of 5128 skanks.

In 1989, Winston Bennett got married to tried and true Peggy. Winston claims that he dropped his average of 90 women a month to 45 a month once married. Everyone has to make sacrifices. I’m not exactly sure when he got married in 1989, but let’s assume they coincide with the NBA for simplicity’s sake. Also, let’s assume that actually playing professional basketball for a professional basketball team in the NBA took up even a little bit of his time because apparently college, college basketball, European basketball and high school basketball, graduating high school and so forth took up none of his time.

At an average of 45 tramps a month for 12 months = 540 hussies.

Winston played in the NBA for 3 years x 540 jezebels = 1620 unbelievable females.

How does this compare to Winston Bennett’s NBA stats? Winston played in 136 games for 2157 minutes. He scored 648 points and 414 rebounds. If we do some division – for every professional basketball point that Winston Bennett scored in a professional basketball game he had sex with 2.5 women. I guess he threw some technically dwarf women in there for the smell of it.

Winston’s most active season was 1989-1990. He played 55 games, scored 338 points, and grabbed 188 rebounds. This means technically that on the 55 days that Winston Bennett played professional basketball he averaged 18 minutes played, 6.1 points and 3.4 rebounds. Meanwhile, on those same 55 days he had sex with about 81.4 women. For every 12 minutes that Winston Bennett actually did his professional job in the NBA that actually can be counted Winston had sex with a different woman. AHHHH!!! This is all so crazy.

So crazy amazing! Oh man! He is the greatest man ever!

I LOVE YOU, WINSTON BENNETT!

Also, if you are wondering – Winston Bennett does admit he had no sliding scale of beauty or looks or anything for the women he had sex with. He just had sex with everything. That right there is a humanitarian. Do you know how many women can say that they had sex with a professional athlete regardless of how much money they made, how fat they are, how ugly they may be, how stupid they are, how completely ridiculous they are —–?????? Oh wait, I do know – 1620!!! HAHAHAHAHAH and that’s just during the actual years he was playing professional basketball!

Just in this stretch of time from junior year of high school to his final season in the NBA, Winston George Bennett III had sex with an estimated 6748 different women.

SIX THOUSAND, SEVEN HUNDRED AND FORTY EIGHT LOVELY WOMEN!

I LOVE AMERICA!

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33 Responses to “We Are Celebrating The Acheivements Of A Historic Man Today”

  1. 1. Ew.
    2. This was like thesaurus porn with all your “jezebels” and “harlots” and their accompanying adjectives.
    3. Your tag “too much sex probably” reveals that you’re just as skeptical as we are, regardless of how excited you appear to be about this man’s accomplishments. So that’s comforting, I guess…
    4. Not sure if this was a typo, but I’m severely disturbed by it: “I guess he threw some technically dwarf women in there for the smell of it.”
    5. 6,748 women. Do you know how much shit he probably had to put up with? You lose your shit and write “fuck you” posts over a few dozen comments from the ladies here. Multiply that by THREE THOUSAND. You probably shouldn’t be jealous.

    • This sounds a lot crankier than I intended. It’s just that being sleep deprived and trapped in a cubicle while others are out drinking beers in the 60+ degree weather has taken it’s toll on me today. Also, I just feel left out since I haven’t fucked Winston Bennett. Yet.

    • kristenstewartwantsit said

      Don’t worry – numbers wise you’re due to fuck Winston Bennett in the next week to two weeks.

      Not a typo.

      And Winston Bennett didn’t have to put up with anything. He didn’t keep in contact with any of these women it seems. He was always having sex with new women. Winston Bennett is like the polio vaccine – you get stuck with it once and then you never see or hear from it again.

      • You could write a mean rap song with that polio line. You could probably work in an FDR reference…

        Anyway, you’re probably right. It was probably much easier to fuck every woman in the world when there were no cell phones, emails, Twitter, blogs, etc. Ah, to be a good looking, sex addicted black man in the 80’s. The life.

      • Pol said

        gross, I need a shower…thank you…
        ‘I’m gonna wash that man right outa my hair and send him on his way….’

  2. PWG said

    I just had sex with Winston Bennett. Sorry, Peggy.

  3. Susanelle said

    Yeah, I don’t believe a bit of this for a second. Maybe he’s had a lot of sex, but (a) not as much as he says and (b) not with as many different people as he says.

    C’mon, it takes time to talk someone into having sex and then having it. You wouldn’t have that much time left in a day if you also have to practice basketball, sleep, eat, etc.

    Also, based on the six-degrees-of-separation principle, I should know three or four of the “women” he’s “slept with,” and I don’t.

    This is the first KSWI post that’s really let us down, knowledge-wise. Now I’m beginning to question the historical significance of Thomas Jefferson.

    • See, I don’t think he actually had to put any effort whatsoever into talking those ladies into having sex with him. He was a decent looking professional athlete. Those dudes have women throwing themselves at them every day. Some guys have no problem asking for sex before even swapping names, and that’s just random dudes in back alley Jersey bars. I’m guessing Winston chose that route over quoting poetry.

      Also, let’s not rule out the possibility that it could’ve been multiple ladies at once. A little one-on-one in the morning followed by a threesome in the afternoon? It’s more efficient if nothing else.

      • Susanelle said

        That’s a pretty theory, HeyB, but:
        1. Where’s he doin’ it? In his bedroom at home? How does he get the women there? How is he meeting them to begin with? They’re just walking by his house? Or you think there are fan hordes outside, hoping to get asked in for a fuck? If there’s a fan horde, does he pick one, whilst the others just wait politely outside? No! They rush him and trash his house. All of this is taking up time, time he can’t waste not-fucking.

        Is he having these events at work, which is a basketball arena? How come we have not heard of Winston before now, if he is having all this sex in a fairly public place? Like, I would definitely know if one of my co-workers was having sex three times a day. She or he would not be getting much work done and therefore pissing off the rest of us, and he or she would smell mushroomy all day, every day. Plus, he or she would quickly run out of fresh partners even though this is a very large workplace, easily as big as an arena on game night, and an arena on game night or even on practice days is going to be mostly full of men, anyway.

        Is he having all this sex in cabs, on the way to work? Again, how is he finding the willing partners during that drive? Some days, doesn’t he just want to drive himself to work?

        I could go on and on, but my point is, it’s not the sex act that takes up time, it’s the working up to it. This guy is exaggerating, and he is making fools of impressionable young men who just got out of college.

  4. Pol said

    Yucky, how has his penis not turned green and fallen off? What insane woman is married to this man?

    I’m guessing the only things more inflated than that number of conquests are Bennet’s ego and what he believes to be the size of his ‘manhood’.

    I have flu, so no Guinness, Baileys, Jameson’s or Kilkenny for me….I do so love my Jameson’s and my kilkenny…but we have a long weekend this weekend so I’ll make up for it!!!!

  5. PWG said

    This is the strangest thing I’ve seen all day:

    “Goat tongue” is a method of torture involving soaking the feet in salt water and allowing a goat to lick the soles. It is very ticklish and is a form of tickle torture.

    It has been claimed that a goat’s tongue, being very rough, will gradually strip all the flesh from the feet, even down to the bone. One cannot be certain whether this is true,** but it is undoubtedly true that Transylvanian prince Vlad (the historical Dracula) was fond of applying this torture to his Turkish prisoners as their feet were immobilized in the stocks, with a steady supply of salt water dripped onto the sufferer’s feet from above.

    ** Well, one could be certain, if one had access to goats, manacles and feet. And if one were clinically insane.

    • Pol said

      That is very weird, but I am curious. I’m not ticklish at all so it wouldn’t bother me and would be superb weapon of evil torture against my filthy foes, mwahhahahahahah!!!!

    • MLF said

      I watched a documentary about Vlad on the history channel a couple years ago. He also enjoyed impaling people on stakes and leaving them there for everyone to see. very creeptastic yet fascinating. The documentary did not mention his love of goat licking tickle torture though, which is dissapointing. I am sad that I have gone those extra years of my life not knowing this.

  6. tiffanized said

    I see nothing wrong with this. As soon as my children are grown, it is my every intent to fuck three manwhores a day until I’m dead. If I start at 44 and continue nonstop until I’m 74, we’re looking at around 33,000 men. I can’t wait to get crackin’.

    • Pol said

      It was always my plan to try and succesfully get myself stoned and stay that way as soon as I reach my twilight years….but apparently somebody’s made a movie about that so that kind’ve takes the glory away…not that I’ll give up the idea.

    • I would consider you the next generation’s Helen Mirren – meaning you’re hot enough to easily place high up on the List of Women Over 60 that Men Would Fuck – so I honestly think you have a good shot of surpassing 33,000. Dream big and make us proud.

      • tiffanized said

        At first, I thought you were calling me the next generation’s Helen Thomas, which is fine if you are discussing my journalistic abilities but not so much my future fuckability. Although, my vulva already looks like her, so I’m halfway there.

  7. Forgetful Lucy said

    Wow. That is a lot of having of the sex. It makes me tired just thinking about it. You know, if you applied all this mathematics discussion to compound interest and average annual rate of return on stock portfolios, I would be in HEAVEN.

    • Pol said

      Yeah, it makes me think he’s one of those guys who ‘can’t last the distance’ if you know what I mean.
      Hence low energy expenditure per payload…

      That’s the only way you can do it three times a day every day and not die from fatigue…not to mention this man was always playing competitive basketball for many years.

  8. MLF said

    I am with Tiffanized except for the fact that he is married- other than that, go for it. and although the number of women is definitely impressive or disgusting depending on how you look at it, the actual amount of sex is really not…three times a day isn’t unobtainable, especially if you stick with one partner, like, oh, how about his wife? I am young and know nothing about trying to balance a career and children and marriage and still keep things going in the bedroom, but it seems to me that winston is only making things harder for himself. At the very least he could just have three gf’s that he could see on the regular and probably achieve even more sex- his whole method of fucking randoms is not really the most efficient way of having the most sex possible if you think about it. which for some reason I am. anyways

    there is of course always something new and exciting about sleeping with someone for the first time, so in that aspect his sex addiction is slightly plausible- were it not for the fact that he basically came out and said he that his method is just to fuck anything that moves. Sex addiction is a serious thing but let’s just say it doesn’t sound like he’s “suffering” too much. I do not feel bad for him. I hope he gets tested reguarly. haha- even better, I hope every single one of the women he’s slept with go get tested and mail him the bill.

  9. Pol said

    Seriously, do you think he showers three times a day???
    Aaaaaargh!!!

  10. Pol said

    http://www.thedailybeast.com/blogs-and-stories/2010-03-09/breast-milk-cheese/?cid=bsa:topnav:hungryb

    and then some more grossness to add to the collective filth and stink.

    Seriously Tiffanized I can’t believe this doesn’t bother you more? You posted the ‘wash your nutz’ video…

    • tiffanized said

      Breast milk cheese disgusts me less than cow’s or goat’s milk cheese. It’s funny how the social acceptability and marketing of cow’s milk allows us to overlook the fact that it’s still a liquid squeezed out of a cow hole.

  11. aneira said

    fagmuffin *in extraordinarily high sing-songy voice*. its the new diss.

  12. AmyAlmost said

    I totally forgot yesterday was St Patricks Day. The Muddy Duck didn’t serve Guinness? What in the hell? My local the Muddy Farmer, they serve Guinness. I wonder if the Muddy Duck is related to the Muddy Farmer, or if they hale from the same farm.

    I have nothing to say about your basketball player. Tall people freak me out. I get queasy standing near them.

  13. Sloan said

    Nice post! I really like your posting.
    i will come back to read more of your posts.

    Cheers

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