These Animals Have Eaten Pancakes Recently

March 18, 2010

Today is going to be one of those days. It could really go either way. In 3 hours (it is 9:20am THIS second, or I mean… THIS second) the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament affectionately referred to as March Madness begins. I love tournaments. And I love basketball. So, I love March Madness. Thanks to the evil mistress that is technology, for the past few years the games have been streamed live over the interwebz.

You click on ^this^ link and then there is another link that says “launch player” and you click on that link and then a player comes up and you watch it and all these good things. So, that is what is supposed to happen. Although, there are always hiccups with technology and even more so the craptastic technology I’m dealing with at work. Maybe they’ll block the streaming, maybe CBS updated their player meaning I would have to download a new plug-in, but I can’t download any new plug-ins, maybe my computer will explode just to be difficult.

I really hope it works though. It has worked well the past two years. I started this job in February a couple years ago. The second month I was here was March and obviously the Madness of March. I really enjoyed watching the games at work and getting paid for it. Almost completely uninterrupted I watched all the games I could at work. If only I was allowed to drink beer at my desk it would have been perfect.

My brain is preoccupied with a number of things: NCAA March Madness and its ability to be watched on my work computer, the technology in my personal life and spending the money to upgrade it, looming projects, I’m pretty sure my dry-cleaner is shrinking my clothes, if they are not shrinking my clothes then how much weight am I gaining and at how fast of a pace am I gaining it as well as how much taller am I going to grow to considering I am way past puberty, dinosaurs, whether I should see Clash of the Titans in 3-D or not, how can I make this blog successful, if there is a God will God recognize all the times I have allowed drunk bitches at bars to take seats at the bar that clearly I had been waiting 10x longer for and they didn’t wait anytime for because they just stumbled their drunk entitled, non-social, beads wearing, sloppy asses over there at the exact moment the two guys at the bar who are way too old to be dressed like that or be at a hip rock n’ roll bar stand up shakily and saunter off.

My preoccupations are leading me to a video post. I saw on the HuffPo a very tough investigative journalist piece about the “13 Cutest Animals Falling Asleep (VIDEOS)”. I am going to steal that fluff and write my own fluff about it. Fuck you, HuffPo. I remember when Ms. Huffington was a crazy conservative and battled against former SNL comedian Al Franken on Bill Maher’s first show Politically Incorrect on Comedy Central. Oh how times have changed. Ms. Huffington is now a blogging liberal. Al Franken is now a Senator in Minnesota. And Bill Maher is doing the exact same show he did on Comedy Central and then ABC, but now it is on HBO. We get it Bill, you smoke marijuana. Great. You’re still a tool.

As the article title suggests, these are videos of cute animals falling asleep. And by falling asleep I mean sleep is taking a hold of them and pulling them through to the other side whether they want to or not. It is a lot like watching a drunk person trying to stay awake. The animals look the drunkest. In honor of St. Patrick’s Day and the people who got really drunk for no apparent reason on a Wednesday, I will narrate these videos as if they are drunks trying to stay awake.

Oh, he is the cutest! He is so sweepy! Oh my God! I want to pet him!


I just wanted to get that out of the way. I’ve watched the first couple and they are the cutest animals ever.

Getting closer. Getting closer. Closer. And touchdown! Yeah, I can’t move my arms. And my face is just smashed… oh I’m up. Hunh? No, I didn’t fall asleep right then. Oh man, I’m drunk. How did I wind up in this wood shop? How did I end up on this wooden and wheeled dirty sled? Did those assholes leave me here? I really hope I didn’t break into this place. I already have two strikes on my record and I’m falling asleep … again. I need to get up, but my arms and legs are not under my control anymore. They are heavy like concrete. I’m just going to… lay down right here. If only I could lie down where my face wasn’t smashed against this dirty wood.

Hey man, you can’t sleep at the bar. I see you have a drink there. I can’t throw out a paying customer. But maybe you need to just forget about the drink and go home. Yeah, man listen to your buddy. Maybe you should, oh you’re up. Good. I’m glad you’re up. No, don’t fall back asleep. You’re falling right back to sleep in your drink. Come on, guy. You clearly have been bathing in the same whisky you’ve been drinking. And he’s up again. Ok, man. Listen to me. You need to finish your drink and leave or just leave altogether. You seem like a nice guy. I don’t want to have to throw you out in front of all your friends, but you’re back to sleep again. Damn it! I hate to do this, but can someone get Reggie. I’m going to need some help carrying this lush out of the bar. Nah, I’ve tried to wake him up, but his face just goes right back to sleep. Oh hey, this is your friend. Yeah, you’re going to have to get him out of here before Reggie and I throw him out. No he is not being cool right now. He is completely asleep at the bar with his face in his drink. Just look. Yeah, you can finish his drink for him, but then you have got to go.

Totally. We should totally watch Star Wars right now. Yeah, we’ll stay up all night watching the whole original trilogy. None of that prequels bullshit. Lucas is a genius and an asshole. A genius asshole! An asshole genius. Sounds like the smartest proctologist ever. Anyway, we’ll just stay up all night until the sunrises drinking and watching the greatest intergalactic battles ever. Yeah, just start them up. I’ll completely make it all…. niii…zzzz… Hunh? I didn’t fall asleep. I’m here for the whole jourrrrr….zzzzz.

Mmmmrrpppffhfpphhh… What? Oh? Yeah, this isn’t my bed. Ok, I must’ve stumbled into the wrong dorm room, sue me. Actually don’t sue me. Oh man, could you quit yelling at me? I have a headache the size of… hmmph… uh what was I saying? I drank like a shot of jager. Uhhh, I mean a bottle of jager. I drank a whole bottle of jager in shot form. It’s just it’s so comfortable here… is this a Winnie the Pooh pillow? I need to get me a pooh heheh… pill…ow…zzzzzz….

Uh huh… uhhhh hunnh…. No, what? I’m not falling asleep. I’m awake. Yeah, I’m paying attention. I can totally drive home. Just tell me how we get there again. Ok, sure. Yeah, of course we make that left. I remember making that left. I’m just tired. I’m not drunk. It’s like 4 am. It’s it being 4 am is why I’m tired plus your boring voice. It’s not the 12 long island iced teas I had. Those are giving me energy if anything. It’s your boring voice… uh… huh… what? I did not sway!?! Just give me the directions already. I’m hungry too. Maybe we should drive to get foooo… hmmm…zzz… *hic*… fuck. Now I have the hiccups. Ugh, your voice is just *hic* dron *hic* ning. Let’s just *hic*… sleep… *falls* What!?! What just happened? I just closed my eyes for a second. Did someone just push me? Oh fuck it. You guys can go on without me. I’m going to start a new life here on this ground.

ZzzzzzzzzZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz……….. Strip club? Did someone say they want to go to a strip club?… zzzzz…..ZZZZzzzzzzz…….Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz…. I love strippers. Who said something about strippers? We should call the strip…. zzzzzzzzzzZzzzzzZZZZzzzz…. Are you shaking me to go to the strip club? If that is the case then I will get up. Or maybe you could just pick me up. I swear if you can get me to the car that I’ll be completely awake by the time we get to the strip club. The smell of alcohol, sweat, perfume, and menthol cigarettes is like a shot of energy to my head. It’s like those Irish Spring commercials where the smell of Ireland wakes the people up. I wake up when I smell strippersssss…… zzzzzzzzzZZzzz… ZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz….

Hey bro, it’s time to get up. It’s like 5am. We have got to go. I know we told you could sleep here, but Craig kind of fucked that up. Yeah, he was hooking up with Jessica. Yep, it was going pretty good, but can you not hear that yelling? You look wasted and your eyes are barely open, but she is yelling pretty loud for you not to be able to hear her. Just keep clawing your way up, that’s right. It turns out Jessica does not like to be called Michelle, her twin sister’s name, when she is going down on a guy. Uh huh? Bro, what are you doing? Don’t go back to sleep. Can you not hear Jessica yelling at Craig that she is going to call the cops? What the fuck, bro? Wake up!

Right. Completely. I completely agree with you, Officer. I should not be driving. I completely agree. I’ll call a cab. That makes perfect sense, Mr. Police Officer with the gun and the badge. I’m cool. I’ll just call a cab…. *falls*… zzzzZzzzzZzZZzzzz… I’m up. Those handcuffs are really unnecessary. The most unnecessary. I’m seriously awake and just needed that quick nap. One maybe two seconds more and I’ll be perfectly wide awake enough to drive home. NOT that I’m going to drive home. Obviously, I’m calling a cab. These handcuffs are the most unnecessary thing in the world right now.

I cannot wait for this cheesesteak. Oh man, this was a good idea. This is exactly what I need right now: a belly full of cheese, meat and bread to soak up all this flammable booze in my tummy. I didn’t get a chance to eat dinner, but I did get a chance to drink 12 shots of Jameson. It really was one or the other and not both. Yeah, I think I smell the onion and sweet peppers. I think that’s mine. I think they’re taking it out of the oven right now. I think it’s great that they toast the sub rolls like that. And, yeah, I call them sub roles because the word “hoagie” makes you sound less IQ-full. This Formica table is great too. It’s so smooth. I’m just going to touch it with my face for a second. Just for shits and giggles, am I right? Just for a second. It’s so smooth and…..ZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzz

SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS! Too many shots. ZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Ahhh shit. Don’t I know you? Not this asshole again. Didn’t I throw you out of this bar a couple weeks ago for falling asleep with your face in your drink? Why am I even asking this guy any questions? He is completely asleep. Hey drunky! You can’t sleep here! I know you’re standing up, but your head is literally on the bar asleep. Does anyone have this idiot’s ID? You do? Ok, let me take a look at it. I could have sworn that I threw this guy out of here …. Mark O’Leary? I threw out a Patrick O’Leary. That guy threw up on some dude’s scooter when Reggie and I got him out the door. Like soon as the door opened he projectile vomited all over that guy’s scooter. That guy was pissed. But he kept saying “scooter”. Dude, you threw up on my scooter. You can’t be serious using the word “scooter”. Never. Or “cookie”. You can’t sound manly or serious saying “scooter” or “cookie”. That “oo” sound just takes away your balls. Just try it once. Try saying “sugar cookies” like a bad ass. Doesn’t work. Hey man! Give me your motherfucking sugar cookies! It sounds silly. Yo bro! Don’t fuck with my scooter! That’s just not happening either. Has anyone called Reggie because we need to get another drunk O’Leary out of the bar, same shit different day.

Uuuugggghhhhhh… why did you let me drink that bottle of Goldschlager? Uuuuugggghhhhh… you are the worst friends ever? Uuuuugggghhhhh… I can feel all those gold bits of paper tearing apart my stomach. Why the hell would you want to drink gold foil? Uuuuuugggghhhhhh…. I’m going to throw up so much gold into that toilet it’ll look like I ate pirate treasure.

Ok, who is going to drive? Who is the least drunk one… I think Phil just died. Is Phil dead or asleep? Ok, well Phil is not driving. He might not be breathing either. Once we figure out between the two of us who is driving we might want to drive straight to the hospital to revive Phil. Are you ok to drive, Ricky? Ricky?…. Ricky? Fuck. Ricky might be dead too. I really wish there was someone else here to drive and not me. I initially thought I was the drunkest of the three of us and now I’m the only one not dead. This is going to get interesting.

Ok, so not “Aggressive Thursday”, but “Adorable Thursday”.

Questions for Friday, please.


23 Responses to “These Animals Have Eaten Pancakes Recently”

  1. See, you must have known that I was going to read your post today because you included a video of a baby sloth! I have a strange and bizarre fascination with that animal.

    Surprised you didn’t have anything related to Kristen’s Runaways premiere in New York last night. She look AMAZING.

    off to watch the cute baby sloth again…

  2. PWG said

    I have diabetes now.

  3. tiffanized said

    I’m skipping the live feed. We’re watching it on the widescreen in our department. We’re also drinking leftover green beer and eating cupcakes. Fuck that guy taking care of an island in Australia; I have the best job in the world.

  4. tiffanized said


    1. If the United States was conquered by another country, which country would you prefer to take us over? I think your kneejerk answer to this might be a Dwight Schrute-ish, “Would never happen. The United States will never be conquered by another country, and if it were, as patriotic Americans we would burn the whole place to the ground and salt the fields.” No, assume that somehow, someone takes us over and as pinko liberal softies we roll right over and take it. Which country would you prefer to roll over for?

    2. If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be and why? I was asked this while interviewing for the job I have now, and my answer was part of the reason I was hired.

    3. What would you think if a woman, just before she went down on you, put on this? Would you say nothing? Commend her preparedness and dedication to the craft?

  5. How do you watch sports in an office? You’ve confessed to being a little on the loud side when watching football. Does that not translate to basketball? I just don’t know how one could refrain from shouting and cursing… It’d be like if I weren’t working from home and watched these videos in the office. Because there was a lot of “AAAHHHH’s” and “OOH MY GOD’S!!!” in high pitched voices.

    Sleepy baby animals are my kryptonite. I’ve seen many of these videos, and then some. In fact, I believe the HP was remiss in not including this classic:

    What a girly day here at KSWI.

    P.S. why did you have to go and mention Jager? We’re not on speaking terms after last night.

    • Pol said

      Very cute, I wish I wasn’t allergic to cats I really love them, sigh. Instead I have a dog who now thinks she’s a cat, it’s probably my fault.

  6. Forgetful Lucy said

    Awww, I vote we alternate between Aggressive and Adorable Thursdays. Hands down, my favorite was the pug.

  7. Susanelle said

    GetoffMylawn: Why is this Snooze?

    PunKinPai: The best one isn’t a baby, but it’s funny as heck.

    Flokk: Too cute. The bear was awesome.

    DKLabRat: Cute, sweet, hilarious. However, the baby bear concerns me as it seems to be being kept as a pet by a private owner in what looks like a wood mill. What happened to its mother? Why is it being kept like this, with a collar like a dog? Worrying.

  8. Freya said

    I love Adorable Thursday! You picked the right note for today, because the adorableness rubs off on the blogger for posting these videos. Awww, Jordan, want a hug?

    Questions for tomorrow: Did you see coverage of the NY Runways premiere? Would she look even better with a bigger rack? Why did you ignore the epic suggestion on Twitter about you perhaps meeting up with Heyyybrother and giving her breasts Jersey Shore nicknames? What do you think those nicknames might be? (I suggested that the left one is “B-Scream” and the right one is “The Princess of Paramus”, but I’d really have to meet her boobs in person to tell. Although Zees has confirmed that in person, Heyybrother’s right breast is The Princess of Paramus.)

  9. Amy D said

    Given that I am one of those who went out to drink for no apparent reason on a Wednesday, the mass of sleepy animals is doing nothing to help me through the work day….

  10. Raven said

    I have a thing for sloths too. I don’t know why.

    With all this drinky animal talk, you failed to mention what you did for St. Patty’s day. What wonderous acts of depravity did you partake in on a Wednesday? I went bowling. I bought a coke from the bar and added my own rum from a stash I had in my purse (leftover “supplies” from my Remember Me viewing over the weekend).

  11. Lala said

    I have to agree with HB and say that today it was a little girly here, but I liked it anyway. Maybe there should be more Adorable Thursdays.

  12. AmyAlmost said

    I like making my cat watch the talking animals, they must be saying some real evil stuff in cat because she freaks out. Can’t watch these videos at work but I bet its adorable.

    Have you travelled much? Do you have plans to travel?

  13. Pol said

    Yeah, very cute and all, I wouldn’t go so far as to call it girly, who can resist the saccharin of sleepy animals?

    Because I’ve had to deal with several racists comments this week and can’t vent anywhere else I’m going to get my bitch on and ask you equivalent ridiculous racist questions (give you some idea of my week):

    1)You are Jew, do you carry around a pouch of Jew gold?

    2)You are a ginger kid right? Would you say that you have no soul? How is that working out for you?

    I can’t wait to be over my flu so I can kill my brain cells that remember all the bullshit I’ve put up with this week. Effing racists and my effing nerves.

  14. MLF said

    omeffing the sloth and the bear ones…gah. so cute. I really can’t handle this kind of excitement right now when I already can’t stop squeeeing so I will just stop myself here and wish everyone a fantastic evening.

  15. tiffanized said

    One more uplifting question: How do you think you’ll die? Do you have a death preference?

    I ask because I picked up a hitchhiker tonight and started thinking that I’ll probably get murdered by one eventually.

  16. amanda said

    thursday is the most adequate of days, and yes, adorable thursday suits today better than aggressive.

    questions for tomorrow..
    -favorite band.. i know soo hard to pick just one, soo favorite band/bands per genre would be cool
    -favorite song, again hard to pick just one

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