This Week In Kristen Stewart Wants IT #19

March 19, 2010

Friday, conspicuously not bloody, Friday. Friday, completely unwounded and unmarred skin, Friday. Friday, totally average in all appearances and unmemorable, Friday. Since it is Friday, it is question and answer time. I think I may be the only person who enjoys the Friday posts. I look forward to these Friday posts because I really don’t have to think of anything to write about. It is supplied to me in these questions and all I need to do is react. Monday thru Thursday is much agonizing, much deliberating, much vetting. It is exhausting. On Wednesday I had to do MATH. AHHH!!! It is tiring.

I just want to mention a couple of thoughts I had about these questions:

1. If these are the questions you really want me to answer then sure keep asking them. But you can ask any question. It doesn’t have to be about me. These Friday posts were not intended to be the longest running Facebook profile ever. Ask anything. If you want to know more about me then ok, but you can ask me any ass backwards ridiculous question and I’ll try my best to answer it. I think I’ve done that already a bunch of times and am perfectly comfortable doing it again.

2. Should I get rid of these posts all together? I like them because I don’t have to think up a topic, but that’s no reason to keep them around. If people are bored with them then I can think of something else to replace these Friday Q&A’s.

Just a thought(s).

-favorite band.. i know soo hard to pick just one, soo favorite band/bands per genre would be cool

I do have an answer for “favorite band” solely because people do ask this question. I feel the most comfortable in saying The Pixies are my favorite band. I think Surfer Rosa and Doolittle are perfect albums. I love how they sound. It is offbeat, melancholy at points, very aggressive at others, it sounds loud even if you turn the volume down, and their music sounds dangerous within the confines of a simple musical structure. I think each member of the band is highly underrated in what they do individually and the band is also that idea of “the sum is greater than its parts”.

But I’m not completely sold on them being my “favorite” band. How do you really compare one band to another? How am I supposed to compare Radiohead to Clutch? Their music sounds nothing alike and it isn’t supposed to. Or compare Nirvana to Metallica? They sound nothing alike as well. Nirvana wasn’t even around long enough to give us more than three studio albums. Meanwhile, Metallica gave us three of my favorite studio albums ever and then continues to hang around and sully that reputation since Cliff died. Also, I have a hard time saying my “favorite” anything is something I wasn’t on Earth to see.

In my own rationale, I have a hard time saying The Beatles are my favorite band because they’re not from my generation. I think they are the “greatest band of all time”, but they don’t belong to me. Same with the Rolling Stones and Led Zeppelin. If I had to create a list of “greatest bands of all time”, I would have to put The Beatles, The Rolling Stones and Led Zeppelin all right at the top. But I think there is a lack of genuineness if I said they were my “favorite” because that music was made for someone else. It might be a strange way of looking at things I know.

I love music. From Johnny Cash to the Bad Brains to Elliott Smith to Pantera to the Wu-Tang Clan. It is not easy for me to say a favorite. Also, I think it does a bit of a disservice because saying a “favorite” pigeon holes your “taste” in music. If I say my favorite band is The Pixies then does that reflect how much I love Life of Agony, the Broken Social Scene, Nick Cave, Hatebreed, The Allman Brothers, Bruce Springsteen, Bob Marley…..

But I do love The Pixies. A ton. I get chills listening to them.

-favorite song, again hard to pick just one

This is a completely ridiculous question. I’m going to answer it because I would be a dick not answering it, but much like the last question I hate the idea of “favorite” because it pigeon holes you and doesn’t accurately show how much you love other songs too.

If I had HAD had had had to choose a “favorite” song then I would feel the most MOST most most most comfortable saying “Possum Kingdom” by The Toadies.

The Toadies’ album Rubberneck is certainly one of my favorite albums of all time. I have listened to that album a million times and it never gets old for me. I also have listened to “Possum Kingdom” a near uncountable amount of times. I love the classic horror slasher story style lyrics, I love the muddiness of it, I love the range of emotions, it is great to sing/yell along to and it just kicks ass.

How do you think you’ll die? Do you have a death preference?

Uplifting indeed.

I think I’ll just fade away into the wind at some point. Whatever my accomplishments are during my life will remain, but the memory of me will be swept off to sea.

Death preference? I want to die of exhaustion after defeating the Robot King Calvatron in a laser-sword duel in the throne room of his hologram fortress atop Mount Xenon (formerly Mt. Everest) thus bringing to an end the great Robot/Human Wars of the 22nd century.

The duel itself will look remarkably similar to the final battle in Masters of the Universe where He-Man defeats Gold Skeletor. After the initial celebration that Robot King Calvatron is dead from decapitation, I will collapse and give a tearful goodbye to my throng of Playboy playmate wives who are each 1-2 months pregnant with a child of mine, which will be interrupted as the hologram fortress begins to fall apart. I’ll insist they leave me behind as they escape to a human future without evil robots. They will all make it out of the fortress alive right before it collapses then explodes and then vanishes forever. They will watch this on individual horses that were rounded up for them by my right hand man who is a warrior Cyclops.

Pretty much – Terminator happens and the machines take over the world, I defeat the machines with a Masters of the Universe climactic fight then everything ends way too similarly to Krull.

Also, my Playboy playmate wives (all 20 of them) will never remarry. They instead become lesbians and just have sex with each other. The Cyclops will be the main father figure for my 20 children. He will raise them the way I would have wanted: a huge emphasis on weapons training, a love for Minor Threat, the teachings of Fight Club and the belief that Michael Jeffrey Jordan may be the greatest human being to have walked this Earth.

You are a ginger kid right? Would you say that you have no soul? How is that working out for you?

I don’t think I qualify as a “ginger”. I don’t have freckles for one. Also, I’m not sure my hair color is red enough to be a “ginger”. My beard is redder than my hair on any given day. But my life is pretty good I guess.

Have you travelled much? Do you have plans to travel?

I’ve been to Italy, China, some Caribbean islands, Mexico, Canada and around the US. I would like to travel to other places, why not? Japan, Brazil, Russia… I wouldn’t mind going to other places.

St. Patrick’s Day?

I didn’t really do anything for St. Patrick’s Day. I drank a few beers at dinner at a local bar. That’s about it. It was a Wednesday and I wasn’t really into it. I don’t like the idea that I’m “supposed” to get crazy on St. Patrick’s Day. It is fake craziness. You’re forcing yourself to get crazy. I would rather just get into craziness when the craziness presents itself.

NY Runaways Premiere?

I saw the pictures. I think they are pretty good. It is quite the sexy little, emphasize “little”, outfit Kristen is wearing. I think she looked better on Leno’s show though. Remember, I am a chest washer, so I enjoy practicality – she looked more naturally pretty on Leno than made up pretty at the premiere —- if that makes sense. I think you also asked if she “needed” bigger boobs. I’d have to see the merchandise in action before I think there needs to be upgrades. I’m sure they’re great. I love boobs – let’s just leave it at that.

How do you watch sports in an office?

There is a time and place for everything. I can be quiet. I can be loud. I can hold back enthusiasm. I can scream until I’m hoarse. I said that I am loud watching the Steelers when I’m alone. I don’t care about any of these college basketball teams the way I care about the Steelers. I don’t care about any team in any sport the way I care about the Steelers, so it is different. I’m not sure I could watch the Steelers at work. I really don’t enjoy watching the Steelers with other people in general.

Also, I’m pretty good at being low-key if I want to be. I’ll let you in on a little secret – I write a 2000 word blog every day at work and no one knows about it shhhhhh. If people sat and watched me the entire time while watching these games they may notice a random fist pump or a soft “yes” or “damn it” under my breath. But that’s about it.  

If the United States was conquered by another country, which country would you prefer to take us over? I think your kneejerk answer to this might be a Dwight Schrute-ish, “Would never happen. The United States will never be conquered by another country, and if it were, as patriotic Americans we would burn the whole place to the ground and salt the fields.” No, assume that somehow, someone takes us over and as pinko liberal softies we roll right over and take it. Which country would you prefer to roll over for?

I think Mr. Schrute’s answer is pretty spot-on. I hands down believe that the United States of America is the greatest country on Earth ever. We have our faults, tons of them, but that doesn’t make us any less than the best. One reason I believe this is when there is a crisis happening in the world people expect America to be there to help fix it. Regardless of what affiliation that country has with the US, people expect the US to fix it. And if the US doesn’t give a 100% effort in fixing it then they are criticized and demonized because of it. That doesn’t happen with any other country. The US has brought this onto itself, but now people expect it from it.

When the earthquake hit Haiti, everyone expected the US to show up to fix it. And when its hands are full with Haiti and an earthquake strikes Chile then people think the US show be there fixing them as well. Maybe the US is spread too thin as it is also fighting the Taliban in Afghanistan and trying to find an end to the fighting in Iraq while at the same time showing a presence in pretty much every country on Earth and at the same time fixing the myriads of problems within its own borders. I don’t see any other country even attempting to do as much for the planet as the US is. Sometimes it works out for the worse and sometimes it works out for the better, but no one else is trying to carry the weight the way the US is. It is egomaniacal sure, but it’s just the type of people Americans are and strive to be. We don’t take life lightly.

If I had to choose a country, maybe the Swiss or the Dutch. I would probably choose a European country that has little strife, mostly known for relaxing and beautiful women, little to no ego. I feel like some people might say Canada, but I couldn’t choose Canada because they have a benign arrogance. Canadians think they’re like America without any of the problems. Fuck you, Canada. Go win two World Wars and maybe we’ll start talking about if we are at all similar.  

If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be and why?

An Ent. They fuck shit up.

Have a great weekend.


35 Responses to “This Week In Kristen Stewart Wants IT #19”

  1. PWG said

    I think I’ll be the Tree of Knowledge. Hire me because of my arrogance: I’m the Purveyor of Original Sin.

    • Pol said

      Are your apples large, sweet, juicy and crunchy? I have a backyard…
      If you are a stickler for details, I like pomegranates too..

      • PWG said

        I just read today that the Bible never specifically mentions apples on that tree. Mayhaps I should read it myself some day and nail down those details. I find it’s just much easier to paraphrase the quotes I’ve misremembered other people using. I understand Leviticus is quite entertaining.

        I have a copy of the Bible, the Qur’an, and Sun Tzu’s The Art of War on my Kindle. I figure if I’m on a hijacked airplane someday, one of those books will give me & the zealots something to discuss, depending on their affiliation.

        I know a woman who was on a hijacked plane in the 70’s. The gentlemen in question were separating the passengers into American vs. non-American groups. She spoke Italian and passed herself off as such. I guess a really smart hijacker would check passports instead.

      • tiffanized said

        Leviticus is mostly entertaining because of the selective nature of the verses right wing Christians choose to enforce. Leviticus 18:22 is invoked to denounce homosexuality, but I wonder how many sweaty evangelicals in a cotton/poly blend would be taken down by Leviticus 19:19? (I’m totally a Bible readin’, church goin’ Christian, by the way. Obviously not so much a right winger.)

      • PWG said

        I’d like to honestly say pine tree. But I shed a lot.

        I’ve tried to read the Bible, but I can’t stay interested enough to slog through the boring parts. Instead I listen to a guy named Alistair Begg on the radio on the days I drive into the office. I only get the station for about half an hour, but he has a great Scottish accent. I like sermons if I only have to listen for half an hour and I don’t have to get up early and the pastor has a Scottish accent. I’d probably be just as happy listening to Scottish theologians of other faiths, though.

        David Plotz wrote a book called Good Book about reading the Bible. It only covers the Old Testament, but I found it really interesting.

        The Gideons and I will keep trying.

      • Pol said

        I was teasing, lol! I am a Christian, though I like to think I’m not a nutter since I don’t use my bible like ouija board. I do believe that the books of bible have to be carefully studied and understood in context.

        And I like a lot of things about other religions too…except Scientologists…I have no time for Scientologists and their story of Xinu.

  2. PWG said

    I hope I never have to go on another job interview if the tree question is indicative of what they’re asking these days. I’ve had two different jobs for over 10 years each, so I haven’t done a lot of the interviewing thing. I hate the “what are your weaknesses?” bullshit question too. You can learn a lot and weed out probably 30% of the crazies with a simple, “Tell me about yourself.”

    One of my favorite interviews was when an old guy asked me, a young woman at the time, if I could make coffee and if I was healthy. Those were in fact the only two questions he asked me. There were two guys interviewing me, and the other man was horrified. For whatever reason I thought it was flat out hysterical that he thought you could still ask that kind of stuff. I got and took the job and loved working for that dude. He wasn’t even a sexist, patronizing ass, he just really wanted to know if I could make coffee and if I was going to miss a lot of work. Jack, you crazy bastard, you were a good boss.

    • Pol said

      Yeah, honesty is so refreshing, I don’t mind being asked those things either if that’s what youreally what to know….it doesn’t have to be a subtext for how many sexual favours you are willing to offer.

      And some people make absolutely shit coffee, I know one such person, she can make any coffee taste like diluted mud.

  3. PWG said

    The first time I had to fire someone I blurted out, “You’re the first person I’ve ever fired.” He said, “You’re doing a really good job.”

    When I win the lottery I might amuse myself by creating fake resumes just to land interviews so I can start out with innocuous answers and then gradually ramp up the crazy.

    • Q: “What’s your greatest weakness?”
      A: “I’m a perfectionist. And just really anal about everything. I mean, I’ll literally put anything in there.”

    • PWG said

      Q: “Why did you leave your last position?”
      A: “Why, what did you hear?!”

    • Q: “Do you prefer to work independently or on a team?”
      A: “I’m pretty flexible, so am ok working on my own or with others. Guaranteed, I’ll deliver regardless. It’ll cost you extra if you want to watch, though.”

    • PWG said

      Q: “It says here that you’re experienced in conflict resolution, can you give me an example?”
      A: “Well in my old office this bitch, excuse me, a coworker of mine, used to constantly move my lunch in the fridge. I resolved that conflict, though, oh yes I did. Little Miss Amy won’t be doing that ever again.”

      • Pol said

        Q: Do you think money grows on trees?
        A: Well it depends on what type of money, planted Jew gold actually does sprout trees that grow up to be Ents

  4. You’re not the only one who enjoys the Friday Q&A posts. Even though I don’t usually ask questions (I’m not creative enough to come up with my own), I still like hearing your answers to those that are asked. Morbid curiosity or something. So I vote no on getting rid of them. Especially since you like doing them.

    I wish I’d passed on going out Wed night. I agreed to go out for a few beers, then the next thing I knew I was downing my 3rd shot of Jaeger and singing along to someone else’s karaoke version of “Take Me Home Tonight”. I actually had (have?) a fever. Living within walking distance of several decent bars is both the best and worst thing that’s ever happened to me.

  5. Also, it appears today’s comments are brought to you by the letters PWG and HB. Did we get VIP access or something? How exclusive.

  6. Susanelle said

    Tiffanized…. Oh, Tiff-an-ized ::sing-song voice::


    I’m dying to hear the tree story.

    • Pol said

      Tiffanized you scrutinize
      The videos, the gizmos
      you legendize
      with your discerning eyes…

      So anwer Susanelle’s question cause I wrote a very bad rhyme to get your attention!!!!!

    • tiffanized said

      I said pine tree, because they are always green and protect smaller trees in the forest. The truthiness of those assertions is suspect, but my interviewers were down with it, which is all that matters. I did not think to invent a tree or choose a fictional one.

      • Susanelle said

        Ah — no wonder you got hired. You sound responsible and full of interesting nature lore. Well done!

      • I would love to give an answer that would make them completely uncomfortable.

        Q: “What kind of tree would you be, and why?”
        A: “A Christmas tree so that I could finally know what it’s like to be wanted and loved by a family, even if only for a few weeks…”
        A: “A cherry tree so that I could know what it’s like to be pretty for a fleeting moment.”

        If I thought I could keep a straight face while answering these questions, I’d be going on interviews every day just for the entertainment.

      • PWG said

        Those are the best answers I ever heard. Ever. I would SO hire the person who answered that way. After I bust out laughing and trampled on their fragile self esteem.

        God, I’m done commenting today. I have comment Tourette’s.

      • Pol said

        Pine tree does sound consistent and responsible… your aren’t dropping off all your leaves and take an extended vacation every year.
        Good choice.

  7. Lala said

    Personally, I like the Friday posts so I don’t think you should get rid of them.
    Also, you have been to many places! I see you want to visit Brazil some day… just don’t go to Rio. Seriously. That place is overrated. Everybody wants to go there but it’s not that great. If you want to go to the beach or something, just chose another place. There are over 7,000 kilometers of coastline for you to chose from. I’m not sure how many miles that is because I hate numbers.

  8. Pol said

    I KNEW YOU WOULD CHOOSE ENT!!!!!!!! I was about to write (in the wee sall hours for me) Ent for my own choice, and say that of all types of Ent I would be a Maple Ent cause I’d be delicious AND be able to to go to war!!!!

    (so I deleted my post so as not to steal your thunder) Anyway, I’m doing my own little victory dance now!!! I also lurve the Pixies, I listen to them all the time, I also can’t choose between Doolittle and Surfer Rosa

    And the fact that my favourite journalist in the whole world actually wrote back to me today makes me even happier!!!!

    I’m getting so wasted on Saturday, I live the Irish and I love how they make it OK for me to drink lots of Jamesons and smoke cigars 🙂

  9. Pol said

    I KNEW YOU WOULD CHOOSE ENT!!!!!!!! I was about to write (in the wee small hours for me) Ent for my own choice, and say that of all types of Ent I would be a Maple Ent cause I’d be delicious AND be able to to go to war!!!!

    (so I deleted my post so as not to steal your thunder) Anyway, I’m doing my own little victory dance now!!! I also lurve the Pixies, I listen to them all the time, I also can’t choose between Doolittle and Surfer Rosa

    And the fact that my favourite journalist in the whole world actually wrote back to me today makes me even happier!!!!

    I’m getting so wasted on Saturday, I live the Irish and I love how they make it OK for me to drink lots of Jamesons and smoke cigars and sing bad sappy songs…

  10. tiffanized said

    We have been shitty questioners, asking you things that would be right at home on a MySpace quiz. Never again! I will bring my A game next week. I already have some compare/contrast essay questions; I may ask them earlier in the week to give you prep time.

  11. cledbo said


    I haven’t watched the warm fuzzies from Adorable Thursday yet, as I am at work. After working all last week, and all weekend. In the sun. Covered (and I mean COVERED) in flies. If anyone thinks the Aussie outback is a mysterious and fascinating place, cover yourself in flies and then get back to me.
    I did see a rock wallaby though, they are very cute too.

    Check it out – this is where I was for 3 days last week. One of the places we went isn’t even *on* Google Maps. Zoom in with satellite turned on. There’s sixth tenths of fuck all out there (go maths).

    Anyway, I missed youse all, and I also missed TV and phone reception. I’m definitely not one for the hippy lifestyle, I can tell.

  12. Adam said

    Please forgive me for taking this website seriously for a second. With regard to your statement about which country you would pick to overtake the US you said that you believe that “when there is a crisis happening in the world people expect America to be there to help fix it.”

    I won’t debate that this is sometimes true, but there are a lot of complex reasons for it. Another component of that statement is that most Americans expect our government, people, money, technology, etc to help fix other peoples’ problems — perhaps against the popular opinion of the people or country with the problem.

    You touch on this in that same paragraph, but the US’s method may not be the best method for the people/country that needs the help. For example, aid relief in Haiti started with the US military spending far exceeding that of spending on food at a time when food and water was the most critical need according to aid organizers. ( So I think that this egomaniacial attitude comes with a touch of tragedy.

    That’s just like, my opinion, man. I apologize for trying to add some more depth to an off-the-cuff statement.

  13. cledbo said

    PS I for one am going to keep asking you Stalkbook questions, because then we (read: I) get to participate and talk about ourselves, which everyone knows is the second reason for coming here.

    The first being robot groundhogs, obviously.

    If I were a tree, I’d be a fig bonsai, because I’m small but gorgeous, I’ll grow wherever you plant me, and I’m well trained 😉
    Ents are awesome too.

  14. amanda said

    okay i agree with the whole zeppelin beatles stones are among greatest bands of all time, but they do not belong to me. so they are not among my favorites bands.
    i would have to say i have favorite musicians as opposed to bands. “bands” is soo subjective. i like john lennon a lot, but the beatles, they dont belong to me. plus i think paul is an ass. (jus sayin)
    as for fav muscians:
    jack white, john lennon, matt bellamy, john butler

    they are gods among men.

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