Buckle Your Seat Belts The Apocalypse Is A Bumpy Ride

March 23, 2010

Well, it just had to happen. Those Democrats just had to ruin everything! They just couldn’t leave it all alone. Wasn’t everything just perfect before? Now it’s all over. Not only did President Barack Obama sign the Healthcare Reform bill, but he also signed away all of our freedom and now we’re all going to die in the next hour from being freedomless. What a shitty Tuesday, am I right?

I’m not sure what happens first in a communist socialist country. Does the dead rise and then volcanic ash rains from the heavens? Or is it the other way around? Is the ash a prelude to the zombie hordes? I know that floating demon skulls with bat wings is after whatever is first and second. The bat winged demon skulls are most definitely the third thing. And then there is, of course, the Angel of Death who will proceed to molest any and all corpses that are a result of the ash, zombies and demon skulls with bat wings attacking people.

I’m just perplexed that it had to come to this, but I’m not unprepared. Last night, I went out and bought 600 guns. I thought 600 was a good round number to purchase. It’s not too many guns like 1000 guns. Whew, that is just a stupid amount of guns. 600 is a lot more manageable number of guns to own. I bought 600 guns and somewhere over 300 million rounds of ammunition for the 600 guns. I was thinking I need just as many bullets as there are people in the United States.

I’m not saying that I will necessarily use the guns on the people of former-Free America, but with ash, zombies, demon skulls and Angel of Death rape happening all around there might be some citizens that go crazy and try to kill me. In that situation I should have enough fire power to handle them. Shit. What if exactly 601 demon skulls, zombies and crazy people attack all at once? Well I can easily kill the first 600 with my 600 guns and my amazing gun skills… but that 601st? Oh no. I think I need to buy a couple more guns.

Anyway, there are so many guns nowadays and the demand for them is so high because we all know that the end of the world is approaching so we need to stock up. I asked the gun store guy, Phil, where do all these guns come from? There are just so many to be bought and horded, just where do they come from? That’s when Phil enlightened me.

It’s a given that the first guns were forged out of Jesus’ bones by Jesus. I mean Jesus the God “Jesus” took the man Jesus’ bones and used his Jesus God powers to turn them into guns. Naturally. Obviously. But how do we get more guns from those original man Jesus bones guns?

First, a boy gun meets a girl gun.

Just like with humans, the boy gun has to approach the girl gun and start the conversation. Just like with humans, girl guns are full of themselves like that. The boy gun gets up the courage to talk to the uppity girl gun. The boy gun is charming and tries to make the girl gun laugh. At first, it doesn’t work. The girl gun is being bitchy. She just got out of a relationship with a different boy gun and now she projects all her hatred for that boy gun onto other boy guns who have absolutely nothing in common with her former boy gun boyfriend. Like nothing in common.

Eventually, the girl gun realizes how irrational she is being and actually listens to the boy gun. He is nice and pleasant and he is funny. The boy gun asks her if she wants to get a drink – maybe that weekend. The girl definitely has the free time to go get a drink with him, but she says she might be busy. But they do exchange contact information.

This forces the boy gun to keep being funny for the next week via text and phone calls until the girl gun finally admits she is free that weekend.

The boy gun and the girl gun go out to the coolest bar in town “Gun Bar”. It is a little too expensive for the boy gun, but the girl gun insisted they go there because it is where her girl gun roommate’s boyfriend takes her. Regardless, the boy gun is again charming and affable. He spends more money than he was hoping he would, but he did not expect the girl gun to consistently order only top shelf martinis.

They laugh, they talk about their jobs, they talk about their families and their friends. The boy gun spends an exorbitant amount of time listening to the girl gun talk about some girl gun she works with that she hates. The only bad part of the date was the 15 minutes or so after the 3rd martini where the girl gun accused the boy gun of staring at their girl gun waitress’ ass. It wasn’t staring per say, her ass was just so big how could he not take a second look.

The bar eventually closes and the boy gun takes the girl gun back to her place. She is feeling tipsy and hasn’t been with a boy gun since her ex boy gun boyfriend left her for her ex girl gun best friend. She invites the boy gun up to her place. 

They did start off watching TV. It was late and nothing was on, so the girl gun suggested they watch something on her DVR. The boy gun wasn’t too excited when it was full of “The Soup”, “Gossip Girl” and “True Blood”. The girl gun had 4 martinis on an empty stomach because girls for some reason forget to eat when they go out drinking, so she was ready to go before Joel McHale even had a chance to throw out his first spiky haired quip.

The girl gun and the boy gun begin making out. This escalates pretty quickly to heavy petting because the girl gun was pretty fucking drunk. The boy gun stops for a moment to ask about if they should be doing this on her couch because of her roommates. This is also brought up because the boy gun was hoping it would be an excuse to go to her gun bedroom. The boy gun did eat dinner before drinking, but he did drink a lot at the bar. Let’s just say he wants to get to the bedroom before the gun bourbon steals the gun lead from his gun pencil.

It doesn’t happen often to the boy gun, but it doesn’t not  happen. Catch my drift. 

Back in the bedroom, things get wild pretty quickly. The boy gun finds out an awful lot about the girl gun’s freaky side. It appears that the boy gun is not nearly as experienced as the girl gun, but he just pretends like this is all normal to him. Sure, I “69” all the time the boy gun says. Besides fighting the onset of “whisky dick” and the strange requests the girl gun makes in bed, the boy gun is even more startled by why there are so many pillows on her damn bed. She can’t possibly use all those pillows when she sleeps at night. Nevertheless, back to business.

Ten minutes later…

Finally, a position that the boy gun knows a little bit more about. Not that the other activities on the bed weren’t fun, but they were fringing on weird and most certainly uncomfortable. This is also when a great miscommunication happens. At no point leading up to this were gun condoms mentioned. Let’s just say that the boy gun doesn’t meet many girl guns and he doesn’t carry around gun condoms because it is a let down looking into his wallet seeing that same old gun condom sitting there. Plus he feels like a perv carrying one around.

Seemingly, the boy gun thought that the lack of mentioning of gun condoms meant that girl gun was on some type of gun birth control. Meanwhile, the girl gun is too drunk to really notice plus she assumed the boy gun would be good at pulling out like her old scummy boy gun boyfriend was. Too bad neither the boy gun or the girl gun discussed this with each other.

Naturally, the girl gun gets gun pregnant. The boy gun moves into the girl gun’s apartment replacing one of her roommates who left because of a huge argument over whether or not the girl gun should get a gun abortion. The boy gun gets home from work from his shitty gun job and tries to relax by watching some TV. Usually he likes to watch gun basketball and his favorite player gun Lebron James. But the girl gun hates the boy gun, for getting her gun pregnant and now her trigger guard and trigger are huge and swollen, so she makes sure to ruin it when he is watching gun basketball by talking to him about her boring day and then eventually yelling at him when he is obviously happy when gun Lebron James hits a three to end the 3rd gun quarter.  

After 9 gun months, the day has arrived. The girl gun is in the hospital giving birth. The girl gun told the boy gun she didn’t want to see him there in the delivery room. The girl gun and her gun OBGYN deliver the gun baby as she curses everything about the boy gun.

The boy gun waits nervously outside. The boy gun hasn’t smoked since college, but he ends up buying a pack in the waiting room. After several hours, the gun OBGYN appears. He has some good news.

The gun baby is a …..



That took an odd turn.

I’m not sure where I was going with the gun thing, but here is a cornbeef that Dawgz and I made last night. Oh God does that look good or what!?! We are the greatest cooks ever!

Let’s get another shot of it…


Simply amazing.


43 Responses to “Buckle Your Seat Belts The Apocalypse Is A Bumpy Ride”

  1. PWG said

    You are a goddamned genius. And really, the MS Paint skills are off the charts these days. The nice little TV perspective shots, the crosshatching on the grips, the – what is that, a fishtank? – the gun OBGYN is standing on . . .

    Plus, that corned beef looks delicious and I’m not just saying that. I’m a vegetarian and I’d probably still nibble on it.

    • tiffanized said

      The fish tank is actually a hospital bassinet. But you were close.

      • I thought it was an aquarium or an oddly upholstered bench that didn’t go at all with the chaise lounge girl gun was apparently giving birth on. But the bassinet thing makes much more sense…

    • MLF said

      I agree. I feel like things are getting a bit ridiculous, I mean we’ve seen your MS Paint artistry before but this is on a whole new level. Now not only are you a genius and certifiable want expert, you’re giving us masterful works of art AND cullinary delights all in one post.

  2. tiffanized said

    This is good. Let’s poke the gun nuts now that we’ve run off the Dread Pirate Teabag. Just so you know, I’m not fighting with those crazy bastards. They have guns.

    • Pol said

      I’m so lost….
      What was up with the Teabag dude? I got lost yesterday already….maybe I’ve been marooned and I’m busy hallucinating whilst talking to a coconut that looks like a head?
      I give up.
      yes I said whilst…I really have given up…

      • Susanelle said

        Yay! A “whilst” — and a real one!

        That’s what I live for — the language stuff. It’s my maître d’.

  3. Susanelle said

    Aw! Guns! They’re just like us!

    I hope the girl gun doesn’t have problems losing her gun baby weight.

  4. This is the best fucking thing I’ve ever seen.

    The depth and perspective in these Paint masterpieces is breathtaking. Almost as breathtaking as your insane brilliance. And that delicious corned beef. I ate a stupid frozen pizza last night. Do you deliver?

    • MLF said

      I am trying to decide if the guy in the back right is wearing a wig…if not that is the first bowl-cut I have ever seen on a male older than twelve. His facial expression is also perplexing. And Nancy looks radiant as usual, the woman takes fierce pictures. I have only seen shots of her looking thrilled or seeminly about to inflict pain on someone, never a boring frame.

    • PWG said

      I think . . . I think Harry Reid’s doing something naughty to Nancy in that picture.

  5. MLF said

    Fuck yeah! Guns! I love guns and shooting stuff! So much fun. But not shooting people. That’s not cool. I would only shoot someone if they really deserved it, like if they were about to shoot me first or maybe if DPR says anything mean to Tiffanized again.

  6. campbelld said

    Once again, I am in awe of your MS Paint skills. And I mean awe as in admiration, not awww as in, isnt that adorable. Which they kind of were, but thats not what I was meaning to say.

  7. kt said

    This is the best thing ever to wake up too. And, yeah I woke up at 1:30 today. The MS paint skills are just off the friggin charts. My only question is why the girl gun has to be on her head when delivering the gun baby…

    • tiffanized said

      She’s on her back. I had to go through all the pictures to get oriented with anthropomorphized gun anatomy, but I think I get it, sort of. It’s a fledgeling science, this.

  8. Lala said

    I know it’s already been said by everyone, but I’m really impressed with your MS Paint skills.

  9. PWG said

    I’m disappointed in what I think is your pansy-ass coffee maker there behind the beef. What is that, a single cup brewer from a hotel? I think we’re going to require a Keurig when the harem sleeps over. I approve of the dish towels and beveled countertops, and I’m not sure why your meat is so precariously balanced.

    My dogs would take a look at that cutting board and flip the sucker up in the air with one paw. They know they could gulp down half before I dragged their asses off of it. My dog once opened the fridge and ate a party tray of deli sandwiches. He spit out the curly cellophane toothpicks.

    Also, thanks for stealing my Friday question, which was, “What’s your zombie apocalypse plan?”

    • tiffanized said

      Kay Swidge’s vision of the zombie apocalypse sounds a lot like an Avenged Sevenfold video to me.

    • AmyAlmost said

      My husband has a written up and laminated zombie apoc plan for our house.

      • PWG said

        The lamination is the important part. If it’s illegible because of blood spatter, it’s not going to do anyone any good.

      • cledbo said

        I’m comforted to know I’m not the only one with a significant other who plans for zombies.

        Mr Cledbo assesses any potential dwelling according to it’s feasibility as a stronghold against zombie siege. And how easy it would be to install iron bars on the windows, and remote control machine gun guard towers.

    • campbelld said

      I have a couple of zompocalyspe plans, depending on where I am at the time. However, being here in NY, I have nothing, so i have to go with my roomates, which involves lots of guns and zombie blasting and not enough running away. I think I should make for the CT ferry and get the hell off Long Island for starters.

  10. Pol said

    I would much rather have a chainsaw or one of those spiked metal ball things on a chain to fight zombies.

    • cledbo said

      You’re thinking of a mace.

      If it’s on a chain, it’s a morning star.

      I know far too much about medieval deadly weapons. Or perhaps just enough…

  11. Crystal said

    That was seriously your best post ever.

    Well, maybe not ever but in a long time. I read the whole thing instead of scrolling through it and looking at the pictures like I’ve been doing lately. I don’t think that’s your fault though, I’ve been really lazy lately. There could be some hilarious gems in there that I’m missing…there must be with all the comments…comments that I used to read religiously. I’m just too lazy now.

    What has happened to me?

    Anyway…you are hilarious as usual. (I’m assuming you are still usually hilarious)

    • PWG said

      Those are the effects of the dampening field Texas places around subversive blogs. Ted Stevens of Alaska invented the process, keeps the tubes and horses from running amok.

      Now I feel obliged to talk about you in the comments regularly though, just to keep you looking. So what’s your zombie apocalypse plan? I don’t know where the volcanoes and zombies are going to get started first, but if it’s in Texas I’d like to know you’ve got our backs. If it starts in Colorado we’re safe as kittens. We all have to watch Red Dawn annually here as a Russkie/Zombie defense course refresher so I’m totally prepared.

      • I’m not going to lie – none of you should rely on me to keep anyone alive in the event of a Zombie Apocalypse. I’m useless. In fact, I’m going to be a typical Lazy Bitch and rely on a man to do everything for me. That means I expect you, Jordan, to do all the work and kill all the zombies before they have a chance to get to my neck of the woods. Thanks in advance. In the meantime, I’ll be carrying out my “plan” – which is getting hammered and making a booty call. I’d rather go out having fun since I have no chance of surviving otherwise.

      • Crystal said

        But if you talk about me and I don’t see it then who will ever know??!! It’s like that old tree falling in the forest thing…or the chicken and the egg…wait.

        Oh I would kick some serious ass in a zombie invasion. I spend a lot of my free time killing zombies via video games. I think I could handle it. But I would be really sad if the zombie apocalypse happened and I died easily….I’d be so disappointed in my self as I slipped into death. And then I’d come back as a zombie and eat people. Awesome.

      • tiffanized said

        For some reason “Don’t Fear the Reaper” plays constantly in the background of my zombie apocalypse.

        I’ll be the hippie trying to make friends with all the zombies. I’ll bake them a cake stuffed with dead rodents and invite them in to watch the entire series of Sex and the City. I hope zombies like boxed wine.

      • cledbo said

        There is only one movie I intend to refer to in the event of zombie apocalypse:

        Shaun of the Dead

      • Pol said

        Shaun of the Dead is my fav too…yes I would def want to be riding in an old Jag swinging a mace out the window once I ran out of fuel for my chainsaw.

  12. AmyAlmost said

    I don’t know if real girl guns act like your girl guns. They often buy a round, will be upfront about their intentions for the evening so neither guns are wasting time and let you know when a rack or butt is worth checking out.

  13. scott said

    id just like to go on the record as saying that girl gun looked pretty hot for a blonde gun.

  14. aneira said

    first off, i ahad a pretty good day today..
    1. its sunny and 60 in chicago. AFTER ALL THAT GODDAMN SNOW!!!! last day of winter is sunny and 60, first day of spring is SNOW?!!?!? FUCKING SNOW??? yes. i hate chicago.
    i love it. i love the change in weather i hate hot weather, i hate cold weather, but spring + fall i could never give up.
    2. i am learning how to play United States of Eurasia via guitar. i know. im pretty stoked.
    3. lifes good

  15. Cristalena said

    broken record but seriously your ms paint skills are orgasmic!

    2000+ words, detailed pictures, and cornbeef?!
    how do you do it!?!

  16. cledbo said

    They’d be those girl guns with no stupid red bows in their hair.

  17. cledbo said

    I have a chopping board that looks just like your chopping board. I do not, however, have delicious looking cornbeef, or white sauce with onions in it (which IMHO is the only condiment for cornbeef), or leet MS Paint skillz.

    I am in your debt, Mr Jordashian.

  18. Dan said

    What the heck is your board all about. Why are you crying about the democrats. Why are you using images of Kristen Stewart? Are you trying to get readers to your manical ramblings.

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