A Seal Didn’t Bite Your Linus Off, Right?

March 24, 2010

It’s Wednesday. It’s “wed” “nes” day. It’s “hump” day. It’s the “middle of the week” day. We’re going to talk about men’s penises today. It’s Wednesday and most people pronounce it “wendz” day, even though it is spelled- wait a minute. Did you meaning me, because I’m tying this, say we’re going to talk about a man’s penis today. Not just any man, but former NFL head coach Jimmy Johnson’s “Johnson”. And probably make generalizations about all penises. Generalizations are wrong! You penisist!

I have some sad news. I will not be posting tomorrow. I will be doing something. Something that involves me not posting. I’ll stop boring you with all these details. Needless to say that this something is going to prevent me from posting, so there will be no post. Jeez, look at me rambling with all these details about why I can’t post tomorrow. Sheesh, enough already, am I right? A little TMI – Too Much Informacion. Seriously, I’m going overboard with the details. So “no post Thursday”. But I’ll be back for Friday. Questions et cetera would be appreciated.

Back to the penis talk.

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I did think “penises” was the plural for penis, but to be perfectly honest I double checked and looked it up online. Yes – that means if my mork does monitor the webpages I visit, one of them will be the definition of “penis” on Merriam-Webster’s website. I was correct that “penises” is the plural. Apparently, there is an alternate plural “penes”, which I believe you pronounce “pen” “ez”. Yeah? I don’t care what mixed company you are in and what the topic of conversation is (humorous or scientific), but if you say penes people will LAUGH! And think you are CRAZY!

Additionally, I learned something else while checking the penis plural at M-W. The origin of the word “bikini”:

In July 1946, the United States detonated two nuclear bombs at the Bikini atoll, an island in the South Pacific, which of course was big news around the world. A year later, a French fashion designer introduced a scanty two-piece bathing suit and named it the “bikini.

So, before 1947 no one thought that chicks should just wear bras on the beach? I find this ridiculous. Greatest Generation my ass! It took a French man to figure out that a chick wearing as little as possible on the beach or at a pool is a good thing? Does anyone else think it is CRAZY that the atom bomb was developed before the bikini? How on fucking Earth is that possible? I get that it took awhile for “thongs” to be created. I’m sure there was a time back in the day when women weren’t slutting it up with low cut tank tops and barely there short skirts. That period of time is called “MY PERSONAL HELL” and I’m sure during that period of time people didn’t think they can sell to women a string that cuts between their butt cheeks and call it proper underwear. Thank God it did happen eventually because the world is a BILLION TIMES BETTER because of it.

“Greatest Generation”? Pffffttt… those motherfuckers didn’t know about the thong!

Actually, I just read up on the “invention” – yes, the INVENTION – of the thong. The origins are shrouded in mystery. It seems like it was either a Brazilian in the late 70’s or an Austrian fashion designer in the mid 70’s. The strangest credit was to former and dead mayor of New York City Fiorello La Guardia. In 1939, NYC had the “World’s Fair” and the mayor demanded the city’s nude dancers to cover up some and they wore thongs to do so. That’s a nice anecdote, but I think the credit will land with the Austrian or the Brazilian. As much as I would like to write Fiorello “The Little Flower” La Guardia’s life story as born in New York City in 1882, deputy attorney general of New York, Congressman for New York, Major in the United States Army Air Service, Champion of the Progressive Movement, Mayor of New York, President’s director of civilian defense and inventor of the THONG.

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Wasn’t I talking about people’s pickles?

Over the weekend, I was watching some cage fighting. The UFC had a free event on the Versus network. The fights were memorable of course, but there was one commercial break that was maybe even more memorable. There was one particular advertisement featuring former 2x Super Bowl winning head coach of the Dallas Cowboys, Jimmy Johnson. What was Jimmy Johnson selling to America? Penis pills. Specifically “ExtenZe” penis pills. What? Yeah. What?

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Turns out Jimmy Johnson is in several commercials for ExtenZe. Here is one of them:

This is not the commercial I saw on Versus, but the subject matter is pretty similar. Jimmy Johnson is talking about his dillywacker and other boys’ wangadoodles. Seriously, what the eff en ess? I guess I shouldn’t be surprised because Mike Ditka was, and maybe still is, the face of Levitra.

If you don’t remember what Levitra is then imagine how I would react if this:

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If Kim Kardashian and I were alone with her wearing that bikini. She slowly makes her way over to me. The entire time keeping an intense eye contact with me as she lightly runs her fingertips over any and all of her exposed skin. Kim gestures for me to lower my head so she can whisper something into my ear. She gets in real close so I can feel her breath on my ear and neck. Her nearly naked body is almost pressed up against me.

And then Kim whispers into my ear: “The Pittsburgh Steelers won the Super Bowl.”

AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LEVITRA!!!!!!!!!

Or if Kim Kardashian whispered, “All charges against Ben Roethlisberger have been dropped and he is feeling physically healthier than ever before. Also, the Steelers just signed Brandon Marshall and are signing later today Ray Lewis to a 2 year contract. And they are giving you free season tickets.”

AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! LEVITRA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, that is actually way better than whatever Levitra does. I think Levitra helps a dude get erect for a couple hours if need be. I’m pretty sure in my scenario I would be so crazy happy that I wouldn’t get erect as more I would go Super Saiyan.

On that note, the Jimmy Johnson commercials are very strange. Mike Ditka is a wild man. Nothing that Mike Ditka does is questioned out of fear of him killing you. I was a little surprised when he did the Levitra stuff, but not too surprised. I bet Mike Ditka didn’t even think twice about it. Want to support boner pills? Yeah, I get paid, right? Then sure. I like getting boners, I like pills that get me boners, so where is my money? The Jimmy Johnson ExtenZe commercials seem more personal and weird. The one I saw went like this:

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Hot. Wouldn’t need a Levitra or an ExtenZe for her, AM I RIGHT? Jimmy Johnson is commentating at a football game and up walks this little number. She immediately starts grilling him, in the bad way, about him needing a pill for his diddlee stick. This is awkward. The Ditka commercials read to me more like Ditka is looking out for older guys who may need a boost. The Jimmy Johnson ones are more that Jimmy wasn’t necessarily getting it done in bed and now has had to seek a medical cure for it. I feel bad for Jimmy. I feel bad that he is having problems in the bedroom, I feel bad that he had to consult his doctor about it because that was probably embarrassing and then I feel bad that this random chick is questioning him about it.

Jimmy takes her questions in stride and answers them thoughtfully. This is the worst approach, in my opinion. Taking a timed and even approach in rationalizing to others why your pocket Dumbledore now has a prescription drug feeding it makes it really obvious that you needed that drug and you’re not just taking it for the hell of it. I get the idea of ExtenZe helps you be the best beyond what your normal best might be for anyone, but come on it just sounds bad. No Dave, I ride my bike with training wheels not because I can’t ride without them, but it just makes me even more balanced so I can ride with more confidence. True, but not cool.

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Jimmy should have turned to her and said, “Listen here, sex muffin. Did you just ask me about my penis? That subject falls into one of those you learn by doing and not by listening categories. How ‘bout we take a couple minute to go into my dressing room? You can strip down and show me how you became a sideline reporter instead of maybe someone who is actually qualified to talk about football. And I’ll show you what I taught the boys at Da’ U about dealing with minxy critters like yourself. Sound good to you?”

The man won two, TWO, Super Bowls and he is politely answering penis questions that are laced with doubt and skepticism about him being able to get it up for a pretty lady? That should not be happening. He is a mouthy drunk Southerner who led two of the most successful football campaigns ever (Da’ U in college and Cowboys in the pros). Did he lose all of his money? Bad investments? Booze, women, gambling? What Jimmy? What!?! Why are you making these commercials!?!

Good news – you can get those questions answered by Jimmy at the invitation dinner with Jimmy Johnson sponsored by ExtenZe!

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WHAT IN THE FUCK IS GOING ON!?! Jimmy Johnson is not only doing commercials for a pill about getting your “constan” to “nople” better in bed, BUT he is also meeting up with other men who can’t get their “Detlef” to “Schrempf” when they want it to!?! This is madness….

I won’t lie (this is Sparta!) that it makes me want to order the ExtenZe stuff. I really want to know if it is a guarantee whether or not I get to meet Jimmy Johnson if I do order it. If it was guaranteed I meet Jimmy Johnson I would order it in a second. Whether or not the stuff works is secondary.

“Hey man, guess who I just met this past weekend?”

“Who?”

“Jimmy Johnson!”

“Wow, really? “Dallas Cowboys” Jimmy Johnson or “Nascar” Jimmy Johnson?”

“What rational human being cares about “Nascar” Jimmy Johnson?”

“Good point – ok, so you met the 2x Super Bowl winning coach Jimmy Johnson? That fucking rocks. Where did you meet him?”

“At a dick pill dinner. He’s a nice guy.”

And that is when I leave the room as the MOST ENIGMATIC MAN EVER!

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29 Responses to “A Seal Didn’t Bite Your Linus Off, Right?”

  1. Does ExtenZe only work on the linus? Or does it also enhance the Charlie Browns?

  2. PWG said

    I am fond of the phrase “minxy critters.” I do not want to visualize Jimmy Johnson (wtf, seriously? your name is TWO euphemisms for penes!?) with a flaccid penis.

  3. PWG said

    “I will not be posting tomorrow. I will be doing something.”

    Yeah, as long as you realize this is your first year here so you only get two weeks’ vacation. I think you used up a bit of it around Thanksgiving and during the Arnie road trip, so just keep that in mind for future time-off requests. I don’t want to start documenting your attendance, so why don’t we just all conduct ourselves like adults around here and show up for work as expected, mmkay?

    I worked for a company that made people bring in newspaper clippings of the obituary if they wanted time off for a funeral. Corporate America blows goats.

  4. susanelle said

    I had a landlord once named Mr. Penis. Well, I didn’t “have” him — he was simply the landlord or maybe the superintendent of my building, and his last name was Penis. Well, he was Spanish, so maybe it was spelled “Penes” or “Penez,” I don’t know — look, we didn’t write to one another or spell out our names to each other or anything. We all just called him “Mr. Penis” and his wife “Mrs. Penis.”

    The thing was, Mr. Penis was a very nice guy. Not a dick at all.

  5. campbelld said

    I still love those ads with Pele. They were the best. Why do these guys do these ads? It’s mental. They can’t need the money. Maybe they just want to be back in the spotlight…but seriuosly, they could just, I dunno, kill a hooker or something, like a normal person.

    • AmyAlmost said

      They advertise medical conditions on TV. I swear my husband has the all the symptons for Adult ADD. I miss those crazy adds.

  6. Crystal said

    Killing hookers is fun.

    I love that these old “famous” dudes do penis enhancement commercials. It cheers me up greatly.

    I always call multiple penises, Peni. (Pee-nigh)

  7. MLF said

    ok, what the mother efff is wrong with that guys head? Did he fall asleep on a bench somewhere and little hoodlums graffitti(d) his hair while he slept?

    and the pills…do they even work? I doubt it. I remember when I was 18 one of my smaller chested friends got a bunch of those Latavi pills, or whatever they were called, that supposedly made your boobs grow? yeah. not so much. Who knows, maybe they do work. I feel like if they do work though we ought to be very close to curring cancer, like- we can make your dick grow and your breasts grow, so since cancer is uncontrolled growth of cells shouldn’t we be able to find a pill that does the opposite of growing? Like shrinking or killing or something? Where’s Alice’s Drink Me Eat Me potions when you need them. Perhaps this is why there are no real effective weightloss pills with the exception of the ephedra type stuff, which doesn’t make you lose weight but is simply liquid crack.

    So by my own inexplicable reasoning, curing cancer is linked to finding an effective weightloss pill. Some sciencey type person should get on this and see if I’m right. And if I am I want a huge fucking cookie. cookies and mad gratitude. But cmon…somebody has to have thought of this before me though. right? right?!??

    • MLF said

      I love how even with all of the penis subject matter, what I’m really thinking about is trying to cure cancer. Maybe I’m evolving.

  8. tiffanized said

    I’ve got nothing funny to say. My inner feminist is ready to blow up, Hulk like, and she is rarely in good humor. Odd that it is on a day when you’re talking about male sexual dysfunction. Maybe I’m just looking for a reason to get my thong in a wad.

  9. Amy D said

    Pocket Dumbledore? Nice hairy potter reference….

  10. KeriHelen said

    As sad/weird as his commercials are, they are a definite upgrade from the old ExtenZe commercial/infomercials. 3 not at all hot chicks on a couch talking to another dude and chick about how size toooootally matters and giggling about small penises. Then they’d cut to footage of a lady walking up to people on the street to ask them if they’d like to be bigger. I find it hard to believe that the majority of these people on the street were so enthusiastic learning that there was a boner extending pill. I like to think those things are played down a bit, as to not look so anxious about the free sample they’re getting.

    I watch too much damn TV at 2am. I’m going to go walk into traffic now.

    • tiffanized said

      I those other commercials–the ones with the giggly couch bitches–are the reason this post irked me, even though the Jordanator didn’t mention them. I hate that any man might watch those ads and think that all, or even most, women are that vapid and judgmental. I personally find peni (penes? peenies?) to be overrated in general. I also believe that little and average sized guys try harder. My two least satisfying sexual experiences were with the men who had the two biggest peniseses. I think they believe that they just had to show up and I would spontaneously orgasm. I didn’t.

      So there she is. My inner femihulk who is pissed that skanky bitches on a sofa are shaming men about their penis size and encouraging them to buy their stupid pills instead of doing something useful like instructing men to eat pussy like they mean it.

      Tiffany’s sense of humor will be back tomorrow to ask questions for Friday. I’m guessing we should leave them in these comments, unless Dr. J is going to give us a short post* just for questions?

      • PWG said

        I think you should teach classes in stuff. I don’t know what the course will be called, but I would so attend and study really hard.

  11. Crystal said

    My question will be about food because I wish I could eat something yummy.

    If you had to choose between a blueberry muffin and a waffle which would you pick and why?

    I really want a muffin.

  12. aneira said

    i got sunrise over sea by john butler trio. prettty stoked.

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