This Week In Kristen Stewart Wants IT #20

March 26, 2010

I have a headache.

It is probably the result of not going to work on Thursday and then having to go to work on Friday while other people did the opposite. Nevertheless, I have a headache right now. If I don’t focus on the headache and instead focus on a different task then I won’t notice it anymore. With it being Friday and all, I’ll just focus on all the questions you the lovely commenters asked me. I am so lucky to have you asking me all these questions for a great moment like this when I have a headache and need something to distract me.

Let’s see what questions I have, won’t this be fun!?! Hmmmm…

“If you had to choose between a blueberry muffin and a waffle which would you pick and why?”

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What? WHAT!?! What the fuck? Seriously? This is your question!?! Do I want a blueberry muffin or a waffle? That’s it!?! A decision between one cake breakfast food and another is the first question I get. This is ridiculous. Just ridiculous.

A blueberry muffin or a waffle? It’s not even a question about what I would like for breakfast. It isn’t an open ended question concerning what I eat for breakfast. Or what do I like for breakfast. Literally, just what would I choose between one or the other. Even better, is the lack of options mixed with “had to choose” presupposes that it doesn’t matter if I like blueberry muffins or waffles.

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I have to choose between the two. HAVE TO! What if I’m allergic to blueberries? What if I’m allergic to waffles? Not necessarily the ingredients of waffles separately, but in some way them mixed in a batter form, the waffle iron, and the waffle shape of the object are all poisonous to me and I would die from eating them. In this scenario, it does not matter that I’m deadly allergic to both blueberries and the enigmatic waffle itself. So in essence, I AM CHOOSING WHICH WAY I WOULD RATHER DIE! By blueberry poisoning! OR! By waffle suicide! A su-waffle-icide!

I will skip this question because of its absurdity and move onto the other questions… THAT DO NOT EXIST! Not one other fucking question!?! What the hell. Is it my imagination that last week I questioned whether or not I should even ask for questions because there seems to be a general lack of effort from you all with the questions? Is it my imagination or did some commenters acknowledge how terrible their questions or lack of questions have been and now they were going to try harder? Well guess what – you failed.

The only question I even have is the damn “blueberry muffin or waffle” dilemma and that’s it. Thank goodness for that question I guess. I guess in comparison to the other questions, that do not even exist, it is the greatest fucking question I have received ALL WEEK! It’s damn genius in comparison. It’s a soul searching question that can only help unravel the perils our universe currently is in. Blueberry muffin or waffle? IT IS A BEACON OF LIGHT IN THIS DARK WORTHLESS WORLD! OH GOD THANK YOU FOR THIS “BLUEBERRY MUFFIN OR WAFFLE” QUESTION! AHAHAHA DEAR GOD IT IS BEAUTIFUL! IT IS MAGNIFICENT! AHHHHH!!!!

I guess I have no choice, but to pour all my efforts into this glorious question “blueberry muffin or waffle?” Oh wait, what’s this? “and why?” AND WHY? Oh sweet merciful Jesus! I take your sacrament into my body and feel renewed and cleansed of my sins from all the evil I do because there is an “and why?” at the conclusion of this most beloved, most holy “blueberry muffin or waffle?” question!

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And why!?! Oh you see it. You do see it. You see my soul through these cold lifeless computer wires and you see how I want to explain “why” so very badly. It is in my nature to need to explain. I try to just answer, but there are so many corresponding factors as to how I have reached these decisions. I’m not some chaotic life form taking whatever is in front of me. I am discerning. I am thoughtful. I have reasons! My life is a dialectic parable. I am logic!

The humanity of it all. This is not a mere question that could have predestinational implications. This question believes I have a choice even if it is between only two items: blueberry muffin or waffle. I HAVE FREE WILL! I get to make this decision and not God. I get to stretch my arms and my brain and grab a hold of this choice like the bucking bronco it is and ride it to whatever crazy end it takes me – blueberry muffin or waffle! I, and not God, am taking this breakfast cake in my own hands through the act of answering this most important question!

There was a time when the atheist was different. There was a time when the atheist was pro-human and not anti-God. There was a time when men like Jean Paul Sartre wrote of the limitless power of a human’s free will and ability to choose. This power was so amazing that how could one believe there was a being greater than the human that could be pulling our strings and controlling our decisions and knowing their outcome. We as people defied fate or a supreme being because we ourselves had our own thoughts, our own actions and no one or no thing could stop us from exercising them.

This atheism was sexy. We are the masters of our own destiny. We are making these decisions. There is no higher power choosing a blueberry muffin over a waffle or vice versa. I MAKE THAT DECISION! It is mine! And I own it. This atheism was respectable. This atheism was positive. This atheism resulted in some of the finest writings of last century.

Today’s atheism is weak, boring and pathetic. Skepticism! I don’t believe in “God” because I don’t think there is a man in the clouds in a toga with angels. Is that it? That’s IT!?! That is all you have to say for whether or not there is a SUPREME BEING, AN INTELLIGENT CREATOR!?! Whether or not there is GOD!?! All you have to say for yourself is you don’t believe in a man in the sky? SHAME! SHAME ON YOU!

It is disgusting. It is laziness. It is the wasteful “thinking” of 1970’s. Yes, it is all because of you, 1970’s! This child like vision of the world. This narrow perspective. This idiocy being disguised as liberal. You have given us a bad name. I do not believe in organized religion too, but you are sullying my good name by only imagining God as some old bearded man in the clouds. We’re not arguing over whether or not Zeus exists! We’re talking about the INFINITE! Is there an overarching infinite existence that guides life itself? That is the question. That is the debate. Not some cartoonish super-man who lives high above Earth shooting lightning bolts from his doodlee-q and farting thunderclaps.

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And this choice, I make today will be my own choice whether or not the infinite exists. Blueberry muffin! Waffle! I call upon your cakeness! I call upon your breakfastness! I call upon you! Give me your strength to help aid in my decision! AHHHH!!! I CAN FEEL THEIR GLOW!!!

I… I… I choose… I choose!… I CHOOSE! … I CHOOSE A WAFFLE!!!!!!!

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AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THE POWER!!!! THE POWER OF FREE WILL!!!! I AM THE MASTER OF MY OWN FUTURE!!! I CAN FEEL MYSELF ASCENDING INTO THE NEXT PLANE OF EXISTENCE!!! WAFFLE!!!!!!!! WAFFLE!!!! I WILL NEVER FORGET YOU BLUEBERRY MUFFIN, BUT WE MUST PART WAYS NOW!!!!!!! WAFFLE!!! YOU AND I WILL CONQUER THE HEAVENS AND WILL RAIN DOWN FIRE AND ASH ON THIS OLD MAN IN THE SKY!!!! AHHHHH!!! WAFFLE!!!!!

And why? And Why? AND why? AND WHY? AND WHY!?! AND WHY!!!???!!!!!

I don’t eat blueberry muffins.

If it is a plain waffle, I’ll choose that. If it is a blueberry waffle then I would choose the blueberry muffin. I could eat around the blueberries and in that scenario I’d rather have the muffin. In general, I like muffins better than waffles. And I don’t like fruit in my food.

Thanks for the question.

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I’ll see you all next week. And I still have a headache. And The Beat That My Heart Skipped is the best French movie. That is in reference to the commenter who said the best French movie was something that wasn’t The Beat That My Heart Skipped. Have a good weekend.

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23 Responses to “This Week In Kristen Stewart Wants IT #20”

  1. PWG said

    Look, it’s your own damn fault on multiple levels. First of all, you stole my zombie apocalypse plan question, you big thieving . . . thief. Secondly, you didn’t even give us the tiniest of posts yesterday to grab on to. Were we supposed to post questions in the shitty, old, dead-to-me Wednesday post? By Thursday, Wednesday’s comments section was DEAD, man, might as well have been the stale airport food in The Langoliers for as much good as it was going to do us. Or were we supposed to plan ahead, and ask questions on Monday or Tuesday? Right. Dude, I’m pulling together my paperwork for my CPA right this very minute, and my appointment is in two hours.

  2. PWG said

    Did you go out of your way to find pictures of Kristen in a blueberry-colored dress? I’d really like to think you put that much thought into it.

  3. PWG said

    “I have the worst fans.” Oh no you didn’t.

  4. WAFFLE PORN!

    Technically I asked a question. It may have been rhetorical and just used as an excuse to quote Arrested Development again, but it was a question nonetheless.

    And you do not have the worst fans, you ingrate. Consider today an exercise in creative writing. How far can you go with nothing to work with but muffins and waffles?

    • kristenstewartwantsit said

      “Consider today an exercise in creative writing. How far can you go with nothing to work with but muffins and waffles?”

      Have you read this blog before? All of it is an exercise in creative writing where I have nothing to work with and I make it ridiculous. Only a couple days ago I drew in ms-paint a scenario in which guns had sex with each other.

  5. PWG said

    “Today’s atheism is weak, boring and pathetic.” Mm hmm. You’ll forgive me for not being an atheist because of my overarching belief in the awesomeness of man and his free will. I have to run, according to the 2004 Journal of Psychiatric Medicine, I’m due to commit suicide shortly:

    “Religiously unaffiliated subjects had significantly more lifetime suicide attempts and more first-degree relatives who committed suicide than subjects who endorsed a religious affiliation. Unaffiliated subjects were younger, less often married, less often had children, and had less contact with family members. Furthermore, subjects with no religious affiliation perceived fewer reasons for living, particularly fewer moral objections to suicide.”

  6. tiffanized said

    I forgot it was Friday. I had questions and everything, but when you didn’t post on Thursday it threw me off. I’m apparently operating on the Jordashian calendar over here.

    Here are my questions, since I didn’t ask them when I was supposed to:

    1. Who would win a fight between Gollum (LOTR) and Dobby (Harry Potter)?
    2. What would Dennis Kucinich’s MMA nickname be were he to enter competition?
    3. How many children is too many?
    4. Pick any celebrity that died in the past year and describe what you think their afterlife is like.
    5. Most effective torture: sleep deprivation or the goat-foot-licking thing someone brought up before?
    6. What is the most useless course taught in schools? Why is it useless?
    7. How did honesty get to be the best policy? What is the second best policy? The third? What is the worst policy, assuming it’s not just dishonesty?

    • Amy D said

      I think #1 is an epic question and would love to see an entire post dedicated to it. Not trying to step on anyone’s toes, but I love that brain of yours.

    • kristenstewartwantsit said

      1. Dobby should win. He has magical powers, right? But you can’t underestimate the psycho factor of Gollum. If Dobby hesitates then Gollum can get him. Also one has to have the desire to win and Dobby was pretty used to being kicked around, so he might not have the courage to fight. Dobby should win – second round via gay magic.

      2. Dennis “The Killing Keebler” Kucinich – got to love a KKK alliteration.

      3. For me? Right now? One would be too many. I think this number is completely dependant on my actual financial situation. If I’m super rich then I could have way more kids and way more servants to raise them.

      4. Off the top of my headached brain – Michael Jackson died last year, right? Ummmm… Michael is probably being beaten by Ike Turner with a shoe.

      5. The goat foot licking thing. I wouldn’t be able to fall asleep with a goat licking my feet. So it would be sleep deprivation+goat licking.

      6. By and large higher levels of math and science are almost completely useless in most people’s day to day lives. I doubt whether I was good or bad in calculus or physics affects me too much. But I think that stuff should be taught. I think everything should be taught.

      I was talking to a few people about this other day concerning the Thomas Jefferson situation in the Texas schools. I distinctly remember being taught in several different years of school about the history of foreign countries and not only their history, but their ancient history. Years of my life studying the different dynasties in China and the pharoahs in Egypt and, of course, every fucking thing that has to do with Rome. It’s absurd to me that we are drilling into kids’ heads who the rulers of Rome were pre-Pax Romana and at the same time these kids cannot recite the Presidents of the United States. I think people should know all about Rome and so forth, it is good stuff and all, but I feel like at times I know as much if not more about Ancient Rome than I do about my own country and it’s worthless. We should be teaching kids about the 18th, 19th and 20th century and who gives a fuck about any year BC. That’s just ridiculous that I spent YEARS learning about Augustus and Caesar, but I cannot remember spending more than a week about any President that wasn’t named Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln or Roosevelt. I know it is easier in a sense teaching about the way way way back history because it’s been taught millions of times over and we think it is tried and true. But people need a clean grasp on their current living situation before we start wondering about King Tut. Fuck King Tut. He’s dead and he’s been dead FOREVER. It’s almost ridiculous we’re even talking about him. I guarantee kids have a much firmer understanding of who King Tut is than at least 30 of the past US Presidents.

      7. Honesty is the best policy I think. You can’t discount honesty. But at the same time you don’t always have to do what is “best” necessarily. You don’t have to drive the best car or put in the best gas or eat the best food. I’m not saying you shouldn’t strive to do so, but we’re fallible. Sometimes you don’t want to be the best. Sometimes you might want to dog it and be third. Second best policy? Low cut tanktop and a push up bra probably. I don’t know.

      • Lala said

        Now you have your questions.

      • tiffanized said

        I left the children question open, hoping you’d take it on a weird tangent like, “I find that three children is too many to eat at one sitting.” I guess if I wanted to know how many children you could consume, I should have been specific.

        Thank you for the answers, though. I thought I’d have to wait until next week. I like being immediately gratified.

  7. PWG said

    The Spectrum of Theistic Probability I’m a six. The Conservapedia definitions are more fun, though.

  8. Crystal said

    I had no idea my stupid question would spawn an entire post.

    I feel special.

    Thank you to me fellow wives/commentators for not asking any deep, hilarious questions like you always do. You gave me a moment in the sun. I shall cherish it always.

    *sniff*

    PS: I would totally take the muffin.

  9. MLF said

    Sorry for the lack of questions…A- I can’t find that book that had all of the lovely already thought out deep questions in it, and B- well. there really isn’t a B. I just forgot. Maybe I should say I was still too busy trying to figure out the weightloss/cancer cure link. (I wasn’t.)

    This post makes me want blueberries soooooooo badddd

  10. Cristalena said

    ok i have become my own worst enemy. exactly what i promised myself i’d never be.

    ok…i’m being dramatic but i got a facebook page!
    it took a lot of convincing on my brother’s part, who is the ultimate in social networking.

    but the real reason i joined was to join the KSWI group. it says in the bible “because where two or three have come together in my name, I am there among them.”

    I’m pretty sure God was referring to the facebook.

  11. aneira said

    you have a great weekend as well.

  12. cledbo said

    I bought a house two days ago, so I automatically discounted myself from the responsibility of question asking, as finding $77K is far higher on my list at the moment.

    I’m more pleased than I probably should be that you chose waffles. Muffins just don’t do it for me*. Melons, on the other hand…**#* hehehe.

    May your weekend be beer-filled and relaxing. And not involve borrowing tens of thousands of dollars from friends and relatives.

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