Is Kristen Stewart Smiling Or Not Smiling?

March 30, 2010

Well? WELL? WELL!?! Is she or not?

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She’s fighting it. I don’t think Kristen Stewart is smiling on the outside, but she is most definitely smiling on the inside. Kristen is trying with all her might not to smile right here. Let it out, Kristen! Give us a smile. We just want a little smile that’s all. We’re not asking for too much. Just a teensy weensy smile never hurt anyone.

Clearly, she wants to smile. Kristen Stewart wants to smile. But for some reason she is also not wanting to smile. This predicament of wanting to smile and not smile has brought us to this current paradox of is she smiling or not. The obvious answer is she is not smiling. But Kristen looks like she is holding back some giggles. A bit of a giggle attack is happening underneath that desheveled hair and she is bracing the walls to defend herself from it.

Let’s get a closer look…

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There we go. It’s like the damn Mona Lisa in a leather jacket. What’s up, Kristen? Why no smile? I can almost hear her inner-monologue repeating “Don’t smile, Kristen. Don’t smile. Don’t smile. Don’t smile. Damn it, Kristen, don’t smile!” But she wants to smile. She wants to let out that glow. The warm glow of want and youth and smiling teeth. Nevertheless, she is not smiling.

Is she smiling now? Did she start smiling yet? Check the picture again. QUICKLY! The corners of her mouth are almost at 51%. I think currently they are at %50. Once they go even a slight degree more then we can consider it a smile. A close mouthed smile, but a smile nonetheless. I think if we just sit here and wait for it she’ll break. Shhhh no one tell Kristen.

Ok, Kristen. You win. I’m going to stop talking about whether or not you are smiling. I’m just going to put my camera down. And just walk away. No one, including myself, is curious if you are smiling or not. I’m just going to-

CHECK THE PICTURE! IS SHE SMILING YET!?!

DAMN IT! We weren’t fast enough. I think she started to smile and then saw our clever plan for what it was. I blame you all for not being conspiciously enough.

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Definitely not smiling. Ahhh! I think we missed our opportunity. I believe her lips have gone from 50% to 42%. Not a total failure, but things are not looking good. We may need a bigger boat to catch this great white whale. That’s a reference to Jaws and Moby Dick. It also makes no sense. There are millions of pictures of Kristen Stewart smiling, so her smile is not too hard to find unlike a mythical whale that a ship kills themselves trying to find. Plus I’m just looking at pictures and a bigger picture wouldn’t help with getting Kristen Stewart to smile. Or maybe it is a reference to a bigger camera to take a bigger picture of Kristen Stewart’s non existent smile. Ahhh, what if the camera is so big like novelty gag big? It is a 4 foot camera that I am pretending is just a regular normal sized camera and Kristen sees that. She would probably laugh and/or smile at that. Seriously, who doesn’t like a Gallagher/Carrot Top-esque prop joke? Ok, so then the metaphor would make more sense I guess.

I wonder what Kristen Stewart is thinking now as her non-smile becomes more non-smiley.

Kristen Stewart (KS): I’m not smiling. You all might as well put your cameras away because it is not happening today, folks. This is a serious red carpet. This is a non-smiling red carpet appearance. This is all just mind over matter. I want to smile, but I want to not smile as well. And I’m not smiling.

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KS: Still not smiling. No, I hear you. I hear you yelling to smile. I hear you nearly barking at me like an angry pack of dogs to smile. Not today, buddy. Do you know what movie this is? It is Remember Me. It is some serious stuff. This red carpet is serious stuff because the movie is serious stuff. What’s the movie about? Hmmm… I don’t know, but it is serious. Rob said that Pierce Brosnan is in it, so it probably has something to do with James Bond or being James Bond. That blonde chick from Lost is in it. I snuck up on her in an alley once with a ski mask and whispered into her ear ‘I’ll cut you if you touch Rob again’. She’s stayed in line since. So the movie could be about James Bond having a slutty blonde daughter who just got rescued from a paranormal island and is trying to hook up with Rob and it is all really serious, which means no smiling.

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KS: Listen, asshole, I said no smiling! I am wearing a LEATHER JACKET! This is my no smiling gear. Get it through your fucking heads! NO SMILING! It’s a serious movie with serious acting and it deserves a serious red carpet appearance by me. Get your fill of pictures of me not smiling. Keep flashing away like the little monkeys you are. I’m just going to stand here in my heels, my sand colored skin tight pants and shit kicking leather jacket and I’m not going to smile for a second. A single second! Just keep clicking away with those cameras you little monkeys! Keep taking those pictures you camera toting monkeys!

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KS: Ah hem. That almost made me smile. The picture of an entire crowd of little monkeys with cameras taking pictures of me. How do they know how to use those cameras? Who taught cute little monkeys how to use cameras? And why? Because it would be cute? Maybe they are dressed up like old timey reporters. Big overcoat and a fedora with a little slip of paper that says “press” on it. I need to stop this immediately before I start smiling. The monkey processes the film and gives it to the monkey editor of the paper. They pay the monkey in bananas. A direct deposit of bananas into his banana bank account. Oh man, I need to really stop thinking about this.  SERIOUS MOVIE! This is a serious movie! NO SMILING.

Random Woman (RW) (Off Screen): Hellooo?

KS: Did anyone just hear that?

RW (Off Screen): Heellloooo? Kristen?

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KS: Shit, this is going to make me smile.

RW: Heelllooo, Kristen? Kristen Stewart? Miss Kristen Stewart? 

KS: Go away, lady. This is a serious red carpet. I cannot smile on this red carpet. Serious movie! Serious Kristen Stewart! I am in a LEATHER JACKET! Doesn’t anyone notice how serious this leather jacket is? Sand colored skin tight pants! Anyone!?!

RW: Heellooo? Oh dear, is it Ms. Kristen Stewart? Not ‘miss’? I know you are not married, but some young ladies prefer a ‘ms.’ instead of a ‘miss’. It sounds a little more dignified. The air of mystery with a ‘mizzz’. Pardon me, helllooo? Kristen? Ms. Kristen Stewart? Could you trouble us with a smile? Just one smile? 

KS: Someone needs to get this fucking woman out of here before I start smiling. Did you monkey photographers plant this woman? Is this a set-up? Because it is almost working.

RW: Heellloooo?

KS: Damn it! Stop saying it like that!

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KS: Is she gone?

RW: I just wanted to politely ask-

KS: Fuck. Why won’t she leave? Just leave, please. I’m trying not to smile. I told Rob I know this movie is serious and I want to be serious, so I wouldn’t smile. So please, just leave. Just leave and stop asking for a smile from me.

RW: Well, yes, but we would love a smile. I understand this is serious, but we still would like a smile. We humbly beg. I am begging you. I am an old woman with cats and a slight British accent. I beg you. I beg you for a smile. Us plebians have little to live for. We are peasants. Your smile is gold. It is the charity that the Lord grants us because he has taken away so much from our meak existence. We are mole people and your smile is sun light. We are pathetic potato farmers who have dry soil and a lack of … potato… seeds? We need your smile, Kristen. Ms. Kristen Stewart. Lady Kristen Stewart.

KS: Please fucking stop! Please stop.

RW: The Lady Kristen of Stewartship. The Stewartown of Kristen’s Ladyship. The great ship of Kristen Stewart’s lady parts. The SS Stewart Lady parts Kristen’s. Queen Kristen Stewart. Queen Stewart of Kristenton. Please a smile, Mrs. Exemplorary Queen of Stewartship Kristenton the Captain of the SS Lady Parts. Please a smile! One smile! Just one! Helloooo? I know you like it when I say ‘heeellllooooo?’

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KS: Will you shut the fuck up and get out of here!?! I’m not smiling. End of story. I made a promise to my mouth that I wouldn’t smile. And I’m not! Serious movie. Serious red carpet. Serious leather jacket. Serious Kristen Stewart. Serious non-smiling face/mouth. Got it!?!

RW (off screen): Fine. I’ll leave.

KS: Good then go.

RW (off screen): I was anyway.

KS: Good then get out of here.

RW (off screen): I am. Stop worrying about it.

KS: I’m not. Just move on.

RW (off screen): I will. Just give me a second. There are people in front of me.

KS: Whatever.

RW (off screen): Whatever yourself.

KS: I will.

RW (off screen): Just one smile?

KS: GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE! LEATHER JACKET!

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KS: Finally, she is gone. Whew, I almost smiled during all that. I think I’m just going to play with my hair. I’m not smiling. Just playing with my hair. I’m not going to think about cute little monkey papparazzi taking pictures for their cute little monkey US Weekly magazines all edited and put together by an office full of depressed cute little monkey cubicle workers. They’re drinking coffee and taking cute little monkey cigarette breaks. They’re having little cute monkey nervous breakdowns from all the stress of publishing a weekly magazine and maintaining a daily updated website. Meanwhile, they went to a little cute cute little monkey liberal arts college just outside of New York City and graduated with a journalism degree thinking they would be producing news pieces for the cute little monkey equivalent of Brian Williams and the cute little monkey news, but instead they are working for a shitty fluff magazine focused on celebrity diets and trying to get pictures of me smiling on a red carpet. Not today, you cute little monkey bastards. I’ve made it through the worst of times. Now, I’m just playing with my hair. So suck on that motherfucking cute little monkeys!

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KS: I want it. I feel bad that you are taking time out of your busy cute little monkey schedules to take pictures of me and I’m not smiling. I won’t break my promise to Rob and to my lips that I won’t smile. But I’ll fucking want a hole through your cute little monkey bodies. Take a picture of my want you damn dirty apes! It is a glorious want! A serious want! Oh.. no. My lips? My lips!?! They are curling. Not the ice and the stone and the sweeping, but they are curling upwards into a smile. Oh no! I had them at 40% and now they are going back to 50%. Oh no! I can’t stop them! I think they are at 51%. Oh damn me and this want! It is too much to not smile. I need to maintain! Hold Kristen, HOLD!

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KS: Uh… where is everyone going? Where are all my cute little monkey photographers going?

Monkey Photographer (MP): It is simple – if you’re not going to smile then we have no reason to be here.

KS: But my want! What about my want?

MP: We have literally billions of pictures of you and your want. So we’re just going to call it a night. You win, Kristen Stewart. If you say you’re not going to smile then you win.

KS: I do? I win? It’s over? You’re telling me I actually won? I didn’t smile and I stayed serious?

MP: Yep, it appears so. We can’t wait around here forever. We have other premieres to go to like Hot Tub Time Machine. Nothing is serious over there. Everyone is smiling.

KS: I can’t believe this. I thought this was going to be impossible. I really thought I was going to smile.

MP: So did we. We even had that old woman with the British accent try and make you smile, but you didn’t crack. You did good, kid. I’ll see you and your want around, Kristen Stewart. Maybe at the next airport you are at.

KS: Ok, monkey photographer. I’ll see you there. Wow! I can’t believe this. I’m so happy. I can’t believe I maintained my seriousness for this serious movie. I am so happy I could…

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KS: SMILE!!!!! Oh fuck. I can’t stop smiling now!

MP: It worked boys! They old fake goodbye worked! No one beats the monkey photographers! NO ONE! Get your cute little monkey paws on your cameras because she is smiling, baby. Kristen Stewart is smiling!

KS: IT FEELS SO GOOD TO SMILE! Oh I am just loving every second of it! The cute little monkeys! The crazy old heeelllloooo woman! Heeelllloooo! SS LADY PARTS! I feel my body radiating the heat of want through my eyes and my lips and my teeth! I AM SMILING!

MP: Do it, Kristen! Come on, boys, let’s sing it! Isley Brothers on 3. 1! 2! 3!

Monkey Photographer Choir (MPC): Who’s that lady?

MP: Come on, Kristen!

KS: I mustn’t. I am in a serious leather jacket.

MPC: Beautiful Lady.

MP: Who’s that lady? Just the harmonies, Kristen.

MPC: Lovely Lady.

MP & KS: Who’s that Lady?

MP: I think she’s got it fellas!

MPC: Real fine lady.

KS: Who’s that lady?

MPC: Hear me callin’ out to you. ‘Cause it’s all that I can do. Your eyes tell me to pursue. But you say look yeah, but don’t touch, baby.

MP: nah, nah, nah don’t touch! Here we go, Kristen!

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MPC:  Who’s that lady?

KS: Who’s that lady?

MPC: Sexy lady.

KS: Who’s that lady?

MPC: Beautiful lady.

KS: Who’s that lady?

MPC: Real fine lady

KS: Who’s that lady?

MPC: I would dance upon a string. Any gift she’d wanna bring. I would give her anything. If she would just do what I say.

MP: Come ’round my way, baby! Shine my way!

MPC: Who’s that lady?

KS: Who’s that lady?

MPC: Beautiful lady.

KS: Who’s that lady?

MPC: Lovely lady.

KS: Who’s that lady?

MPC: Real fine lady.

KS: Who’s that lady?

MPC: I would love to take her home. But her heart is made of stone. I would keep on keepin’ on. If I don’t she’ll do me wrong

MP: Do me wrong, yeah! Do me wrong, Kristen Stewart!

KS: I’M SMILING!

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16 Responses to “Is Kristen Stewart Smiling Or Not Smiling?”

  1. tiffanized said

    Smiling is the closest Kristen Stewart ever gets to looking like she doesn’t want it. I can see why she would avoid it. You are a genius for inventing the primate paparazzi. Also for noticing the creepy woman behind the plastic sheet. I could have looked at those pictures a hundred times and never noticed creepy plastic sheet woman, which is why you have the wildly popular blog and I have a low level job in marketing.

    The end of this post makes me want to buy a Swiffer. And maybe watch a bowling ball make out with a sponge mop. I don’t know why.

  2. I thought for sure that someone somewhere would have used the “why so serious” Joker meme on a picture of Kristen by now, but Google’s turning up a whole lot of nothing. Why are you failing me, Internet?!

    • kristenstewartwantsit said

      Woof. Is this the line? What was it that drove you all away?

      Smiling? Isley Brothers? Monkey photographers?

      • PWG said

        I can only speak for myself, but personally it’s because I’m trying to get all my work done in half a day so I can make my gynecologist’s appointment this afternoon. The only thing that’s more important to me than commenting with the fury of a crack-addled Tourette’s patient who’s paid by the word is the health of my vagina. Glad I could put your fears to rest and skeeve you out all in the same comment.

  3. MLF said

    well I mean it is Tuesday. everyone knows that Tuesday is a busy day with no time for fun or commenting or kristen stewart possibly smilling/wanting it. Also maybe they listened to that video and got the song stuck in their heads and therefore are mad at you so they are witholding comments until the song gets unstuck. Or maybe they are busy listening to aerosmith’s “crazy” on a loop like me. I’m going to be honest though- I kind of checked out a bit with the whole monkeys thing. I really can’t deal with monkeys right now…or ever. *shudder*

    wait..it’s Tuesday right?

  4. AmyAlmost said

    I totally skimmed today’s post and now know nothing. It’s Wednesday, I’ve too much work to do.

  5. Crystal said

    I started a new job this week. And those bastards don’t give me time to check my twitter or my blogs. So I will be reading/commenting later than usual. Not that I comment all that often anymore anyway. any. any. any.

    I like monkeys.

  6. Lala said

    It’s really quiet here today. Where’s everyone?
    I think those monkeys would be cute.

    • tiffanized said

      Though I can’t speak for everyone, maybe this is proof that none of us actually care about Kristen Stewart all that much.

      • MLF said

        I actually really really love Kristen. Just in a very “worst fan ever” type of way where I miss all of her appearances, read none of her interviews, and don’t follow what she actually does. But I realy do love her.

  7. PWG said

    I feel really bad that you copied and pasted “KS: Who’s that lady?” over and over just to amuse us and no one showed up but the crickets.

    Usually you bring up some vastly entertaining or edifying topic and I feel bad about completely derailing in the comments section. So today you hand us sandy pants, monkeys and the Isley Brothers and I could just go 90, 180, or 270 degrees away from that and not feel bad at all, except . . . yeah, I got nothing. Today would’ve been a good day for Zees to pop back and spark us all up. <— I mean creatively, not ganja-ically. I guess I'd better toss my Friday questions in the ring early.

    • PWG said

      #1 How realistic is it to toilet-train a cat? My son wants a cat, but I’m not up for another 15 years of litterbox cleaning, and coyotes eat the outdoor cats around here. Plus I’d run afoul of the Bird Lady.

      Not cool story: 10 years ago we had an indoor/outdoor cat, and she brought a meadowlark into the house early one morning and proceeded to torture the sweet fuck out of that bird. By the time I woke up the walls of our living room were covered in bloody wing prints, but the poor thing wasn’t dead. A kind or practical person would’ve just killed the damn bird and put it out of its misery. Not me, big stupid misguided animal lover that I am, I slide it into a shoebox and try to find someone to fix it. I get directed to the Bird Lady of Denver.

      Pull up to her house and she has an old car in the garage with license plates that say “Bird Lady”. She’s identifying very strongly with this calling, right? My husband whispers to me as we walk to the door, “We’re going to lie about where we found this bird.” I do not listen. One entire room of her house is a floor-to-ceiling cage with wrought iron walls, and it’s filled with crows. She is quite friendly until she asks what happened to the bird and I tell her, “Our cat brought it into the house and attacked it.” My husband looks up at the ceiling and says, “Oh boy.”

      The newly psychotic and terrifying Bird Lady schools me about the majestic meadowlark (official state bird of 7 states), and says the crows in her house could break my cat’s back with one strike of their beaks. She implies I’m the Antichrist. She’s maybe 75, but I’m not sure I can take her out at this point if it comes to that, you know?

      She finally leaves the room holding the shoebox in disgust, and never comes back. I feel horribly guilty and ask the empty house loudly if I can leave some money to cover her bird fixing expenses, at which point my husband reconsiders ever having children with me because of my defective self-preservation genes and general cluelessness. So, indoor cat it is, then, which begs that original question.

      • tiffanized said

        Our old house was bought by a Nature Woman. She was like a female Ace Ventura, living in harmony with skunks and raccoons running all over her house and bird shit everywhere. Her husband lived in the garage, I think.

    • PWG said

      #2 This question is stolen from here. “Which would you be more afraid of if you actually saw it in real life – a ghost, or an extraterrestrial? Qualification: consider only the first few seconds, when you have no way to know if it’s a good guy or bad guy. Just in terms of that moment of pure realization – “I’m seeing a ghost,” or “I’m seeing an alien.” Which occurrence would you prefer to have happen solely on the basis of the fear factor, i.e. because it would scare you the least? “I don’t believe in ghosts/aliens” doesn’t count as an answer.”

  8. [...] the woman who can not stop smiling ( really Kristin Stewart it is getting a little annoying… HERE) he just isn’t as appealing as he once [...]

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