As mentioned way too many times, today is my last day of work. The entire office is packed in boxes. How many boxes? Well, there are well over 100 boxes that are being sent to the “archives”. There is a warehouse somewhere in some place that has thousands of boxes just like the 120 or so we have here that are filled with legal documents of some sort and need to be kept for a period of time for some reason. So I would estimate 120 boxes for archives. I would estimate we/they are taking another 50-60 boxes to the new office with other legal documents and books. And, then I would estimate there are at least another 20 boxes filled with the contents of these lawyers’ offices.  That’s alotta boxes!

Today’s post will be brief because the movers will be coming soon and I’m not sure what I’m going to be doing in an office that has nothing in it and that I won’t work for anymore after I leave the building. Good times!

This weekend is the Kentucky Derby and the Mayweather/Mosley boxing match on PPV. It is also more NBA playoffs basketball. I will be watching all of it.

Do I get bonus points for having exposed legs and wearing 4″ heels? Am I proving more of a point because I have more skin showing than just cleave? Is this like an extra credit kind of situation?

Well, I would say the more naked one gets the better. That is a good code of conduct. But you sent no pictures. And that is a disgrace to both King and Country. Which King? All of them. Which Country? AMERICA! Do you know what is better than reading about someone showing a lot of leg? SEEING IT! You know what is better than someone talking about their cleavage? SEEING IT!

how could you draw an X over Katy’s face!? her face to way too adorable to be covered. actually, no part of her should ever be covered- she should walk around naked all day, amiright?

I completely agree with you! But I had to draw the X over someone’s face and I thought Katy Perry’s breasts were perfect for the “boobquake” cleavage representation. I agree that Katy Perry is wildly hot and her bosoms are miracles. And she sings songs about kissing girls! That is just too good. And I was too lazy to remember sending myself this in an email, but I did write a short story/scene where a guy tries to explain to a girl, of a similar hot/adorable/glowing nature to Katy Perry, that she should just be naked all the time for the betterment of man/lady-kind. I’ll try to remember to post that one day. It also would be helpful if someone reminded me to post it.

Are you going to court for the speeding ticket you got the other day?

I went to court for the speeding ticket. I feel like when I told the cop I was speeding because I was late for work and did not want to be any later – and I was wearing a suit! – that he should have immediately let me go. What bullshit world do we live in that someone is giving the extra effort to actually go to work to do more work and you get penalized for it. Bunch of asshats the Jersey Troopers are. Fucking unmarked cop car too. If you see a gray Dodge Charger on a major road in NJ then it probably is an unmarked cop car. Fair warning.

Did you go through a big old teenage angst phase? Where you sat in your room and wrote awful poetry?

Life is angst. Whatever caused me angst as a teenager is still causing me against as an almost 27 year old man with a closet of suits. What was angst in high school? Trying to get girls, hating authority, making friends, dealing with crazy old people or older people who are crazy, trying to find a niche in life… all that stuff minus worrying about how the Lacrosse and Football seasons will go is the same.

And any poetry I have written is not awful. It is great shit. And yes, I’ve written poetry. I’ve also written about how Kristen Stewart and her want could kill off alien invaders from classic movies too. I was never the goth kid though if that is the question. Never really got into fashion trends.

Can you take your flip cam into Dunkin’ Donuts tomorrow and make us a film of your last and final ultimate good-bye with DD?

It is too early in the morning to do something creative like that. I’m tired! I’ll tell you what I ordered. Dozen donuts and a box of coffee for me and my former co-workers… awwwwwww…

Will it really be like you never exsisted, Jordan?

That’s up to you to remember me.

I was writing a monologue more or less for some movie idea the other day and I wrote the line – “There will never be a tomorrow where I am forgotten.” I like that idea a lot. But it really depends on the others of the world to remember the person. You will have to keep this eternal flame burning. And as we all know fire needs to be oxygen to survive. So just start blowing* this “flame” and you’ll remember me.

Why on earth would I have been so sad that you were waving goodbye to me, your devout secret reader/follower?

Good question. If you wanted it to be then I’ve been a fixture in your lives since August.

I’ve just been informed there are actually more boxes that need to be made and put together and sent to the archives. IT NEVER ENDS!

I’ll leave you with this for today. I have heard 3 songs by Kid Cudi and I thoroughly enjoy each one of them. I will need to invest some time in illegally downloading his album.

Have a great weekend! I’ll post on Monday.

I have always considered myself a temporary person. I never expected to settle into a day to day routine. I don’t know how I expected to accomplish a whole life of not seeing the same people: their names and faces. I don’t know if it is possible to live a whole life without the routine of people and becoming close to them. But I never saw myself as someone that people would get attached to and I attached to them.

Call it low self esteem, call it self pity, call it what you will – but I have never found myself to be memorable to other people. I feel like I have been easily replaced or disregarded by people. I think I am worthy of being remembered, but I just haven’t seen it outside of a few occasions that people do remember me. And it surprises me everyday, but I have found people who remember me. And I think tomorrow’s goodbye will be an emotional one.

It sounds weird, but I hope that it pains for a time on both sides of the goodbye. I know it will pain me. It will pain me more than I would like to admit. I have an excellent memory and I remember people. And I remember the small moments and details. Even if I think the people won’t remember me, I cannot shake remembering them. So, I know it will be hard for me to say goodbye. I hope it is for them as well.

These people have become apart of my daily life. Every weekday I wake-up and I think of them. Every weekday I wake-up and I think, “What am I going to say to them today?” I wonder about what I’m going to say, which has a lot to do with how I feel. If they thought about it, these people know me. They know how I’m feeling by what I say each morning and in that way they have been closer to me these past months than most people will every be. That is why this will be so difficult.

I don’t want to sound overly dramatic, but it is a big deal. Imagine knowing that this person or people will be apart of every morning of yours 5 days a week and suddenly it won’t happen anymore. It is tough. I’m going to say “forever”, but there is always a chance we could be apart of a morning or maybe an afternoon together again. But most likely not, so I will use “forever”.

Tomorrow morning, I will be saying goodbye forever to…

The staff of the Dunkin’ Donuts in Kenilworth, New Jersey.

AAAAAHHHHHHH… Oh God! How will I go on!?! How will my life hold any meaning with them not serving me coffee each weekday morning!?! I feel like I’m being torn apart by a circus of razorblade carrying raccoons! It hurts so much. Why does it hurt so much? How could I have become so attached to their smiling donut selling faces? AAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

I’m sure in some crazy way, you all think that this post is a metaphor about you and this website. Sadly, you motherfuckers I’m planning on seeing next week. But these Dunkin’ Donuts people I won’t. I’m not driving a half hour to get coffee and a donut. So with that – I present you with this song:

Yes, it pains me dearly. Tomorrow is my last day of work. I will not go as far as to actually name the company that I work for. I’ll give you a hint though. Find a map of Kenilworth, NJ. Now find all the $50 billion companies in Kenilworth, NJ. And from there, you will have to decide for yourself which one I work for. I know there are soooo many $50 billion companies in Kenilworth, NJ.

It all started when I moved to Jersey City from Hoboken. In essence, I moved like 2.5 miles or so, but it actually made a huge difference in my commute. I used to live on 12th & Willow in Hoboken. For people who do not know Hoboken, it is a very densely packed area of apartments and bars with tons of pedestrians and traffic. It took me awhile every morning to drive the 14 or so blocks south to get to the major roads to take to work. When I moved to Jersey City, I didn’t have to go so far to get to the major roads and it essentially took me at least 10 minutes less to get to work everyday.

I was comfortable with my morning wake-up time and 10 minutes isn’t dramatically more time to sleep, so I didn’t change my alarm time when I moved to Jersey City. This meant every morning I had an extra 10 minutes. The first couple mornings, I just showed up to work really early. The next couple after that, I tried eating breakfast at my apartment, but I felt rushed. I didn’t have a half hour. I only had 10 minutes, so I was shoveling cereal into my mouth at light speed. Then one morning I had an epiphany!

Fucking Dunkin’ fucking Do-motherfucking-nuts! I had been to that particular Dunkin’ Donuts a few times. Usually when there is a birthday, I go to the Dunkin’ Donuts and buy the “Box of Joe” and the variety box of a dozen donuts. Sometimes I would do this when it wasn’t anyone’s birthday. I’m a good guy like that. Also, it is fairly cheap for a ton of stuff – 12 donuts and more than 12 cups of coffee for about $17 I think. So I knew of the place and one morning I decided to go there for selfish reasons: I went to buy breakfast just for myself.

That was in June. It is now April and I’ve been going there ever since. Every morning for months, I go there and get my breakfast and take it to work and eat it at my desk. They started to remember me and recognize it when I would enter each morning. “Hello’s” became “How are you doing” and even escalated to at points “the usual?”. I have about three different orders at Dunkin’ Donuts and they know them:

– bacon, egg and cheese wrap

– bacon, egg and cheese on an everything bagel

– multigrain bagel with cream cheese

All of these are outfitted with a large coffee. As mentioned in a previous post, recently I have switched up on certain days to an iced coffee.

Most days I walk in and I get a hello and a how are you and even sometimes I’m called “boss”. Most days are good days. I walk in and before I even get the words passed my lips they say “large coffee – cream and sugar, right?” And I nod with a wink and a smile. Sometimes maybe a tip of an imaginary fedora I’m wearing, just to class the place up a bit. Maybe I’ll flip them a Kennedy half-dollar and say “if you make it snappy then there’ll be another one of those bad boys heading your way in the future.” Maybe that happens. Maybe it doesn’t. But most days are good days.

I won’t lie to you and say there are no bad days. There have been some bad days. I remember one morning I walked in and one of them, I won’t name names, took it upon themselves to make me a large coffee, but not a large ICED coffee. I wanted an iced coffee. When I reached the cash register, they presented me with the large hot coffee all pleased with themselves.

“Here is your coffee – large, cream and sugar. What would you like for break-

“What is this?” I retorted.

“Your coffee. Just the way you like it.”

“Not today it isn’t. Today I wanted an iced coffee. So, what is this shit?” That is when I back handed the cup spraying hot coffee like shotgun pellets all over them.


“You’re damn right it burns! An iced coffee wouldn’t burn! AN ICED COFFEE WOULDN’T BURN! If you were smart enough to wait for me to order a nicely chilled cup of coffee then your skin would be melting off your face. I guess you learned your lesson, right?”


“Now you’re making sense. I would like a bacon, egg and cheese on an everything bagel toasted. Could I get egg whites? And whenever you have the chance to make me an iced coffee that would be great.”

We have been through a lot together. We have been through the dog days of summer. We have been through feet of snow, ice storms, and torrential rain. We’ve had those few weeks when the left entrance door was broken and only the right door was available for use. Those were some trying times. And we’ve shared laughter and we’ve shared sorrow together and most importantly we’ve shared free donuts together (if you buy a large coffee you get a free donut).

I’m not the only one who goes there every morning at about the same time. I see a lot of the same faces from customers as well. There is the young lady with the long hair and glasses who drives I think an Acura SUV. She is cute and aggressively slender for a woman who eats Dunkin’ Donuts every morning. She is dressed up all corporate like, so she could work for the same company I do for all I know.

There is the bald old man who reads the newspaper. He orders his breakfast and eats it there. The armored car drivers from the near by bank who usually double/triple park their big ass van. There are the construction workers ordering a million different orders for all the million different guys at whatever construction site they work at. There is the middle aged woman who looks like she recently escaped from a mental institution every morning.

Some mornings there is a fellow in a suit and we usually exchange head nods like “Yo bro, we’re in suits.” Some mornings there are cute college coeds there. Some mornings there are hot young milfs who are a few years older than me with 3 or 4 year old kids that they are en route to drop off at school. I look at their hotness and then I get creeped out for a second or two because the kid is standing there looking back at me and then I remember I only have like 10 seconds before she leaves forever, so I go back to gawking at the young milf. Some mornings there are no attractive people there for miles and I wonder what happened – is there a slow leaking gas that has been set off by Cold War Russian communists in New Jersey that only kills good looking people and now me and the rest of the degenerates have to fend for ourselves in some odd post-apocalyptic society of unattractive people where we need to force ourselves to mate in hopes for a much better looking future generation.

In the end, what I’ll remember the most is that I enjoyed my morning routine seeing them and getting coffee from them.

Questions for Friday. Also, if you would like to guest post next week or in the coming weeks please email me. Don’t play coy and make me have to send you an email begging for you to guest post. Because I think we all know I’m stubborn and probably won’t make that first move.

I am running on empty right now. It may sound ridiculous, but I don’t think I have the energy to look up pictures, save them, re-size them, upload them and then post them. Oh God it is tiring just writing that out. I feel winded just imagining doing that. I’m losing electrolytes. I need protein and carbohydrates. I need a gatorade. I need a caffeine. I need a Snickers bar. Just a bit of chocolate to release some serantonin because going to court in Newark this morning on top of the rest of life feels crippling today.

But at the same time, I’m currently arguing with friends via email about Lebron James and whether or not he is leaving Cleveland after this season and what that says about him and so forth — and it is raising my spirits. Mindless debating about something that is fun like the NBA.

Also, I tried to lift up my spirits by going to garbage ass celebrity sites. I don’t know if it is lifting my spirits, but it is just mind blowing. These are the headlines of the top articles from Huffington Post’s entertainment section and Zimbio.

Sandra Bullock ADOPTS BABY BOY, Divorce Filed

Well, I’m happy I guess for her. Did anyone know she was adopting a baby? That’s an odd question too. I don’t know anything about Sandra Bullock’s adoption methods or how long she’s been planning it, but I expect there are people who have never met her and never will meet her that actually could answer this question.

Jessica Simpson is dating, addicted to Nicorette

Is that a corresponding relationship? Her dating and the over-use of nicotine gum? What a boring ass interview Jessica Simpson must be if the two highlights are Nicorette gum and her dating. Doesn’t she have a CD or something? I thought I heard she had a TV show – I thought I actually heard that from the Huffington Post. Is there no update on that? I know that Nicorette is still around and still used, but jeez that is an old reference. Jessica Simpson is dating, thinks Let It Be is best Beatles album. And even here she would be wrong. But Jessica does look great. I’m not posting pictures, but she looks like Jessica Simpson. Gains weight, loses weight – whatever. She’s hot. She apparently doesn’t brush her teeth which was a headline on this site a couple weeks ago. I never realized how much we were begging for not only Jessica Simpson information, but really boring ass Jessica Simpson information. It’s weird she doesn’t brush her teeth,  but who the fuck cares? 99% of us are only going to ever see her through a glossy magazine photo or on TV, so it really doesn’t matter at all if she has bad breath.

Michael Lohan: Perez Hilton is likely to get AIDS

Holy eff – this is getting good! Who is Michael Lohan? This makes this even funnier to me because I don’t know who Michael Lohan is or why he would have the hot tip on Perez Hilton getting AIDS. Hahahahah, this is fucking brilliant! This is the difference between using a good old reference rather than a bad one – Nicorette = boring, but AIDS = hysterical. Actually, even better “butt AIDS” – AIDS specifically for your butt. Whew – I love this headline. There are so many… oh wait… is Michael Lohan the father of Lindsay Lohan? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH this makes it even funnier! Why is Michael Lohan being asked about Perez Hilton and AIDS? Or even better why are people writing down what Michael Lohan is saying in general about anything?

I was in Newark this morning and I heard some crazy stuff said on the streets. I live in Jersey City and I hear some crazy stuff said on the streets. That doesn’t mean I write it down and put up a story on a “news” site about it. Michael Lohan isn’t even famous. He’s the estranged father of a girl who appeared in one movie that people liked and since then has been on a downward spiral, which sadly will result in an untimely death article about her. And what does Perez Hilton having AIDS have to do with any of this? Either way, this is the best headline so far.

Is Jim Carrey losing it?

Genius! Why not, right? There is a picture of him waving around a pair of novelty size huge scissors and he has a beard. He must be crazy because he has facial hair! I’m guessing the article may be about his twitter account. It is pretty nuts. I’m rooting for Jim Carrey to “lose it”. I love Jim Carrey. I think he is absolutely tremendous. And now there is the possibility of him acting in movies and being crazy in real life? Yes. Sign me up for that.

Amanda Peet steps out 8 DAYS after baby

I will plead negligence. Is that bad? 8 minutes? I could see 8 minutes being real bad. Not as bad as 8 seconds. But 8 days? The woman can’t go outside 8 days after having a baby? That seems a little ridiculous. They barely keep women in the hospital overnight anymore as far as I’m told. If this headline was “8 Minutes” then I would be shocked. Like someone should have said something to her as she was leaving the hospital and/or the bathtub or the low lying grass field or where ever she had the kid. I’m thinking 8 days is plenty. If she was on the TV show 24 then 8 days would be forever. Didn’t the President’s top advisor almost die from a heart attack and 2 hours later he was back to work? Jeez buddy. Take a lunch break or something.

Lady Gaga shows butt, gets racy

What gets “racy”? Her butt? Or is Lady Gaga getting racy because she is showing her butt? Is it crazy to just me that the word “butt” and “shows” before it is in a headline of a “respectable” “news” website? How much of her butt? Regardless, Lady Gaga does have a nice butt. And she should play a jingle called “Let’s Go” by The Cars when she gets the chance. Also, is it weird or really weird that I’m thoroughly excited she is recording a new album?

Amy Winehouse Falls, Winds Up In Hospital 

Hahahahah. It’s like Amy Winehouse is an elderly person. At some point, if you get old enough – falling becomes catastrophic. I hate falling now, but if I fell – just fell nothing special – then I would get up and keep going. But if you survive long enough on Earth there reaches a point where if you fall you just stay fallen. Apparently, Amy Winehouse has reached that point. Also, “winds up in hospital” makes it seem like either the fall and the hospital are unrelated or no one expected the one to result in the other.

Steve Carell likes his nerdy look

Is it just me or is Steve Carell’s look “a suit”? So now I’m a nerd because I’m wearing a suit? Everyday is worse than the last. Fuck you, Zimbio.

Jennifer Lopez says being pregnant was like an ‘invasion’

On the scale of positive things to say about being pregnant… it’s not there. An “invasion”? That sounds more to me like the baby crawled inside of her and hung out for 9 months and then got birthed. “Invasion”? I could understand the idea of a parasite or a tapeworm or the alien from ALIEN, but not an “invasion”. I think Marc Anthony needs to keep a swarmy eye out for J-Lo when she is around the kid alone.

‘Kick-Ass’ star Aaron Johnson, 19, expecting first baby with 43 year old director

Wow. Aaron Johnson would love this list of 50 women over 60, for one. So he’ll be 37 when the kid graduates high school and she’ll be ….. dead. Hahahahaha… 61. Perfect. I’m going to keep this nameless “director” on my list for the 2028 edition of 50 over 60.

Kelly Osbourne felt “weird” being sober at Coachella

I would too. I’m not even a drug addict. But no one should be at Coachella sober. Unless that was apart of a prison sentence.  

Toni Braxton shaves head, wears catsuits, has new album dropping

That right there is a headline! Toni Braxton must wake-up really earlier to accomplish all that. Jessica Simpson needs to take notes about Toni Braxton for several reasons. One – Toni Braxton has been real hot for like 15 years. That is noteworthy. Aging gracefully. Scratch that – not “gracefully” because Toni Braxton is still sexy as hell. Age “in a way where you are still somehow just as sexy as you were 15 years ago” whatever that word is. Two – addicted to Nicorette, not brushing your teeth = boring. Shaving your head, wearing catsuits and producing new original music = good.

John Mayer says Twitter is so over

Thank God! I’m tired of twittering anyway. I’m glad it is over.

I’m drowning in boxes! This is actually getting insane with the boxes. There are so many boxes that the factory that was dedicated to making these boxes would be shocked that some how all of the boxes it ever made all ended up at my office. It would be an amazing reunion for the box makers and the boxes though. It would be so wonderful for a moment. It would be like a pet store owner being reunited with all the puppies it ever sold.

Imagine an old black man named Lucas Sales, who spent his whole life working in a puppy pet store.

It all started when Lucas was a young boy in middle school and he offered his services to the kind Mr. Weathersby who owned the local puppy pet store. Mr. Weathersby knew that Lucas was too young to legitimately work at the puppy pet store, but he understood that even a boy of 11 or 12 years old can understand the importance of having money in his pocket. Money that he earned through a day’s honest work. Mr. Weathersby also knew that in this town a boy can easily be corrupted by drugs and guns and it would be a shame to see another one slip into the cold world of addiction and gangs. So Mr. Weathersby decided to take Lucas up on his offer.

Lucas was put to work sweeping the floors and keeping the stock room filed away correctly. They were menial tasks, but Lucas knew that it made no sense having a 12 year old selling puppies at the front of the store. That was best left to Mr. Weathersby and his #1 salesman Bruce Colbert. So, Lucas spent his days cleaning, taking notes of the supplies, keeping the shelves tidy, and making sure to stay out of Mr. Weathersby and Bruce Colbert’s way when they were talking to customers. But that didn’t stop Lucas from listening in and learning too.

Bruce Colbert was the best salesman in town. He had a full head of hair, just above average height, quick wit, a running knowledge of current events both in the town and throughout the state, he had mercurial opinions that could be shifted and shaped to fit any willing customer who stepped through Mr. Weathersby’s door looking for a furry companion. Bruce Colbert was the 4th smartest man in town and an awful lot did not get by him. He noticed pretty quickly what Lucas was up to and it down right tickled him to think he had himself a making for a protege. It tickled Mr. Weathersby too, that maybe one day he would have two “Bruce Colbert’s”: the genuine article and Lucas Sales mirroring himself after the “genuine article”.

That’s how it went on for years. From 8th grade through high school. Everyday after school, Lucas Sales would do his job sweeping floors and arranging puppy products on the shelves, the whole time shadowing Bruce Colbert’s every move. During the slow hours of Mr. Weathersby’s puppy pet store, good natured Bruce Colbert would teach the attentive Lucas Sales all the tricks in the book: firm handshake, half moon smile showing teeth, a dash of sandlewood cologne, an intangible almost magical ability to know what particular puppy will most benefit each customer’s life for the next decade or so, which will eventually result in the destruction of the person’s life and near mental collapse when the dog does die, and a cursory knowledge of town gossip like Mayor Goodson’s Taiwanese boy whore scandal(s).

At the ripe age of 17, Lucas Sales graduated high school. Lucas was never destined for college because he spent nearly every waking hour at Mr. Weathersby’s damn puppy pet store making barely above minimum wage under the table and off the books. But Lucas sure knew everything about selling puppies and running a puppy pet store from the tutelage of Bruce Colbert and Mr. Weathersby. Like a child of a very lame and boring prophecy, Mr. Weathersby promoted Lucas Sales from his position of near “immigrant worker puppy pet store slave labor” to “Sales assistant to Bruce Colbert”.

At first, Lucas Sales was as happy as an 17 year old boy could be after working in a puppy pet store for 5 years with absolutely no future in any other area in life. But it started to dawn on Lucas Sales that his “promotion” only solidified even further what many in the town had engrained in poor young Lucas’ head, “You’ll never be as good as Bruce Colbert! Mr. Weathersby is never gonna’ need you as a salesman when the 4th smartest man in town Bruce Colbert is his #1 salesman! Who would need a gap toothed, slow talking, one leg drastically shorter than the other, near illiterate, drooling, just plain stupid, constantly with his hands in his pants, just dirty, need a hot shower forever dirty – why would Mr. Weathersby want that as a salesman!?!”

Lucas Sales may have been all those things that the towns people rightfully yelled at him as he walked to and from work, but Lucas Sales wasn’t completely stupid. He understood that the only way he would ever become a full-fledged salesman in Mr. Weathersby’s puppy pet store was if he killed Bruce Colbert! And that’s what that almost blind, deaf and dumb boy, Lucas Sales, set out to do.

The only real reference point for an elaborate murder scheme that Lucas had ever seen was from watching Road Runner and Wile E. Coyote cartoons. While Lucas had saved up a lot of money over the years working at Mr. Weathersby’s puppy pet store because Lucas had absolutely no hobbies or friends or social activities to spend the money on, he didn’t know anything about rockets, TNT, trains, cliffs and/or operating any machinery more technologically advanced than Mr. Weathersby’s cash register.

Lucas took all of his savings from the shoe box underneath his bed which was every dollar he earned minus whatever he had spent on bologna, string cheese and fizzy water from age 12 – 17, and he walked over to Dennis Hamilton’s sporting goods store on Elm street. Lucas walked in and made a direct line for the firearms. Lucas did not have a particular gun in mind, but Lucas didn’t have much in mind usually – the gun idea even being in his mind was beyond average for Lucas’ regular mental activities.

Mr. Hamilton wasn’t an opinionated man about most Constitutional amendments, but he did have a liking for that 2nd amendment. When Lucas approached Mr. Hamilton and slurred and stuttered out a sentence that rang something like “I-I-I-I-I-I w-w-w-w-waaaaanttt-ttt-tt-t a GUN!” Well Mr. Hamilton’s eyes lit up. When Lucas handed over the half-full garbage bag of $10’s and $20’s the metaphorical hair on the back of Mr. Hamilton’s completely bald head stood at attention. One thought passed through Dennis Hamilton’s alcohol soaked brain that moment, “if I sell this retarded boy a pistol for all that money in that damn plastic nap sack then I think I can finally take that trip to Tijuana. Mexican poon and liquor here comes “Dirty Dick” Dennis Hamilton!”

No more than 10 minutes later, Lucas Sales walked out of that sporting goods store on Elm armed to the teeth with 6 boxes of ammunition stuffed in his pockets and a cocked and loaded .44 Magnum in each hand. Lucas walked straight through town with a sinister lazy eyed smile while Mr. Hamilton jumped into his pick-up truck with a bearing of South by South West to Tijuana.

It wasn’t too long after that that Bruce Colbert had a series of half-dollar sized holes in him about every 8 inches apart on his body leaking blood like a broken dam. The shame of the matter was Mr. Weathersby liked Bruce Colbert, he liked him a lot and when he saw Lucas walk into his puppy pet store looking like the unwanted Devil spawn of Forrest Gump and Action Jackson he jumped in front of Bruce Colbert taking the first couple shots to his chest and then stomach.

The trial was quick. The state of Rhode Island does not execute the mentally retarded. To make matters better for Lucas, the town’s people more or less thought Mr. Weathersby was playing with fire by even interacting with the boy. Then came the news that Mr. Weathersby’s will had been updated a couple years earlier that upon his death Bruce Colbert and Lucas Sales would inherit the store. With no one else in the town willing to work at a puppy pet store or having had any prior existence working in one and that Mrs. Weathersby had been gone for 3 years because Mr. Weathersby spent all his time with smooth talking snake oil salesman Bruce Colbert and dumb ass Lucas Sales, they thought the best sentence for Lucas would be to give him the puppy pet store and make him work there for the rest of his life.

That sat pretty well with Lucas.

For 60 years now, Lucas Sales has worked at that puppy pet store. He has sold thousands of puppies and strangely enough remembers every single one of them. Lucas Sales can’t tell time nor the date nor tie his shoes, but he remembers every puppy’s face he has sold and the person he has sold it to. So imagine, Lucas Sales walking into a giant room of all the puppies he has sold over the years in the prime of their lives – imagine how big of a smile Lucas Sales would have on his 55 IQs face.

That’s kind of nothing like what it would be like if someone saw all these motherfucking boxes.

But thanks for reading.

And I need a weekend to recover from my weekend! I have no problems or qualms or guilt saying that I had an amazing weekend. I know there is a trend in this world to play low key on your weekend activities or your free time activities to not rub it in the face of others who were not there or not having as much fun. But fuck that and fuck you for not having as much fun because I clearly laid out where the fun was happening and whom with, so you are to be blamed for your unfunness.

Friday night was epic. There was a merriment and an arousing jovial nature to the empathetic drinking as if we were soldiers returning from the front lines of battle after reconquering Nazi occupied France. We drank most heavily. We drank heavy beers. We drank heavy beers in heavy glasses. We were at the Zeppelin Hall in Jersey City. The infamous beer garden of Jersey City! What I enjoy about the beer garden, the Zeppelin Hall, is that it would take an army of moral fervor to stop oneself from getting annihilated, “I need to be carried”, “it should be illegal and probably is to be this drunk” drunk. Why? Because they have –



Everyone loves a ginormous beer stein glass thing. I know there are people who will say “well I don’t like beer” – WHEN IN ROME! WHEN IN ROME! So, you drink from these heavy glasses and you drink from them with ear-to-ear smiles because this is not once a year in far off distant formerly SS controlled Germania – this is NEW JERSEY and it is APRIL!

We drank there. There was a bartendress named Maria who thought we were insane. I’m not saying she is wrong, but that is what she thought. Why did she think we were insane? It was from 1 of 3 possibilities:

1. The constant singing of “Down in the treme… with me and my baby… we’re all going crazy… just jumping up and having fun!” That is what I believe to be the theme song for HBO’s wonderful program Treme. If you hear that song a few times then it gets stuck forever. Once it is stuck forever, begin cultivating your Louis Armstrong-esque guttural molasses and ribs and bourbon and filter-less cigarettes brogue. Then inject yourself into a public place with like minded people and a nearly endless supply of booze and begin your own recital dedicated to the charm of New Orleans.

2. Watching the Miami Heat vs. the Boston Celtics game, we penned a cock rock song for Michael Beasley set to the tune of “Hot Blooded” by Foreigner. True or not – we believed his nickname was “Sweat Beas”. So, we wrote a song about it. “Sweet Beas! Smokin’ trees! Sweet Beas! Defends democracy! Sweet Beas! Making chicks bleed! Sweet Beas! Hates hypocrisy! Sweet Beas! He never says please! Sweet Beas! Failed the SATs! (or not)” And so on.


3. There was yelling, screaming and jumping toe touches.

Or all of those things made her think we were insane. And this was Friday night.

Meanwhile, if one remembers, I wrote a post on Friday. Besides being informative, though provoking, funny, and filled with MS-Paint doctored Tom Cruise holding a banana photos, the post also mentioned where I would be Saturday night. I was at a concert at a bar in Hoboken featuring two friends’ bands.

I can only assume none of you braggadocios keyboard warrioresses who type the type about walking the walk, but when it comes to doing the walking that they were typing about they don’t walk the type walk — I’m not really sure where this metaphor is going. I was not sexually harassed on Saturday night. Well, I was not sexually harassed by anyone outside of my friends from college. So, I can only assume vis a vis a priori a posterori eg ie et cetera that none of you went to Hoboken and went to the concert. This means you missed out on an amazingly fun evening with excellent music, excellent people and several liquids that had been fermented earlier to be alcoholic.

As mentioned in Friday’s post, the two bands were Capita Clip and Birthwater. Here is a video of Birthwater playing their song “Bunker”. Thanks to whoever shot this video. I was supposed to be bring my camera and shoot some video, but I fucked up and forgot it. Great story.

I haven’t seen any footage of Capita Clip from Saturday, but here is a link to their Myspace page – – I hadn’t been to a Myspace page since my flirtations with NBC’s To Catch a Predator, but it is still going strong.

So there were some great times Saturday and Friday. Sunday was rough for different reasons. And now here I am today – not hungover or drunk for the first time in a few days. I feel worn out and tired and coffee is really not helping – just making me jittery. But, I already know the cure for hangovers. I know it. And you should know it.



Yes! Boobs cure everything!

A fellow reader of yours was very nice enough to send me this event entitled “Boobquake” on Facebook. I will say this, I will page through all 300+ pictures throughout today. I suggest that if you are a Facebooker that you join me on this venture of cleavage pictures. I also suggest that if you are an owner of boobs that you should take pictures in support of “Boobquake” and either upload them to this website with a corresponding link or just send me the pictures knowing that it will cheer me up after assembling one BILLION boxes.

I also also suggest you JOIN THE MOTHERFUCKING KSWI FAN PAGE!!/pages/Kristen-Stewart-wants-IT/199326110886

Seriously, why not? As far as I have been told it helps lower your blood pressure and your LDL cholestrol levels. So, join it. It was also also also very nicely assembled by a fellow reader with her own tiny hands. I imagine everyone on the internet is tiny including you reading this. You all exist an inch from me inside my computer screen conspiring and organizing like an ant farm of biting wit and pop-cultural references. You all have individual miniscule laptops which you type away on.

I might as well throw a link to the twitter account as well, which I started because of you people. – although at this point, all I receive are messages telling me to follow them on twitter which seems like there was an alterior motive to why I was pushed into joining twitter – to pad their follower stats. You monitor inhabitants are tricky.

I hope you all had a great weekend. I enjoyed mine thoroughly. Now I’m tired. I am also about to get back into the box making and filling* circuit right now. I will talk later this week about what may/will happen with KSWI in the following weeks. It will involve opportunities for guest bloggers. I know you all will be excited for that being the selfish little people you are inside my computer monitor.

I am so fucking tired. I haven’t slept well all week. And this will be a fairly tiring weekend as well. Hopefully I can get some sleep Saturday morning. Saturday night will be drunkenness and then Sunday I have to get up early and do things. Hmmm… in support of Saturday night, I’ll just post the below video that I may or may not had a hand in making and let you all figure it out:

It should be a great time. Music, booze… music and booze. That will happen.

Also, the first round of the NFL Draft happened last night. I liked most of the picks. I think the Detroit Lions really had a hell of a first round as well as the Denver Broncos. I like the Steelers’ first pick of University of Florida’s center. The Steelers need a new offensive line and have for a couple years. I’m looking for the Steelers to get a wide receiver, more offensive linemen, some linebackers/lineman to raise and replace a couple of the old dogs we have now, and a moral compass for our quarterback. And I’m glad no one picked Jimmy Clausen yet and hopefully EVER.

Which famous people have you met? And they don’t have to be heaps famous, just people you admire/want to touch.

Are we defining “met” as celebrities I’ve interacted with or celebrities I’ve just seen with my own two eyes a few feet from me? Personally, a few of the celebrities that stick out that I actually interacted with for a minute or two would be Kevin Smith, Henry Rollins, President of the UFC Dana White and Fedor Emelianenko. More often than not recently, the celebrities I’ve met/seen are fighters (Clay Guida, Pat Barry, Forrest Griffin, Rory Singer, Thiago Silva, Jeff Curran, Don Frye, Urijah Faber – who is fighting this Saturday night for WEC, and I met their President too Reed Harris). I didn’t get to interact with Arnold Schwarzenegger or Sly Stallone, but both of them were a couple feet from me. Snooki is one of the bigger pop-culture celebrities I met recently. Kurt Angle and Lou Ferigno were at the Arnold Festival as well and I talked to them.

When I worked at Sony in LA for a bit there were celebrities walking around because they were shooting films there: Jon Favreau, Adam Sandler, James Cromwell were a few. Tara Reid came by the office once – she was wearing heels and was a lot taller than I was expecting because of said heels, which kind of freaked me out. I talked to Zach Braff at a bar once in LA – he thought he knew me, which was funny. Ummm… I guess I’ve met/seen a bunch of celebrities and athletes. There are plenty of others, but I don’t know any celebrities I think as far as friends go.

What would you do if you woke up and tom cruise was staring at you holding a banana? not eating the banana. not doing anything sexual or inappropriate with it. just holding a banana.


Is he in the bed with me? I would immediately scream in fear or I mean roar like a lion… in fear. After I calmed down and realized that Tom Cruise was just hanging out with a banana in his hand, I would talk to him about his movie career. I would probably lead off with how much I like Mission Impossible III and how underrated I believe it is. I would follow that up with how great he is in Tropic Thunder and how much I’m looking forward to the proposed movie The Hardy Men with him and Ben Stiller. From there the two of us can talk movie to movie throughout his career because at least 80% of them rock. I would most want to talk movies with Tom. Movies he has made, movies in general that we both respect/love and, then of course, how can I work with Tom in some movie or TV show or anything. I really don’t care about him and Scientology at all. As hot as Nicole Kidman, Katie Holmes and Mimi Rogers are – I really could careless what they’re really like. I think the lion’s share of our conversation would be about Eyes Wide Shut and director Stanley Kubrick. I would like to talk forever about that.

I have seen Tom Cruise in person, but not holding a banana. I went to the premiere of War of the Worlds when I was out in LA. Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes were a foot from me. People were so happy to see Tom Cruise they were crying – like balling crying. These people were so happy to see Tom Cruise that if Jesus had come back at that premiere he would have gotten second billing. These people were at the height of elation to the point they could not contain tears, squealing, yelling, shaking et cetera. They were literally going insane because Tom Cruise was shaking their hand or signing an autograph for them. He was great with the fans. He was shaking everyone’s hands and signing autographs and even taking people’s cellphones and talking to whoever was on the other end for a minute. And if you’re wondering – yes he is incredibly short, much shorter than Ms. Holmes.


Favourite beer?

Tough question… I really don’t like assigning favorites and I’m not sure if I even have a favorite. It really would depend on the mood I’m in or the weather or if I’m eating something and what that something is. I am a big fan of Guinness, New Castle, Red Seal Ale, Ommegang’s Rare Vos, Amstel Light, PBR, Budweiser – a lot of stuff. Right now in Dawgz and my refrigerator we have some Leffe, Heineken light, and Dos Equis. I am a big fan of buying random 6 packs of beer that I’ve never heard of. So sometimes we end up with an assortment of beer in our fridge that ranges from Singapore to Italy to Mexico. As long as you stay away from beers with the word “ice” in them then you’re usually good to go.

Remember, even the worst beer will get you drunk.


What’s your Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon connection?

My cousin is Jay Siegel from the band The Tokens – their song “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” is in Ace Venture Pet Detective with Jim Carrey – Jim Carrey is in Lemony Snicket’s A Series of Unfortunate Events with Meryl Streep – Meryl and Kevin Bacon were in The River Wild together.

Alternate version…

The actor/comedian Godfrey (not Gilbert Gottfried) and I hugged once on Sunset Boulevard – Godfrey was in The Cookout with Queen Latifah – Queen Latifah was in Beauty Shop with Kevin Bacon.


I think Kevin would like the second one because the two of us are connected through black people and Kevin has admitted to wishing he was black for a lot of his life growing up and I understand that all too well. Also, if getting hugged by Godfrey counts as a step to knowing Kevin Bacon then there are a lot of different ways to go there – he was in Zoolander!

Story behind us hugging – I was standing in line outside of The Laugh Factory comedy club in LA with a friend. Stand-up comics always hang outside of comedy clubs on Sunset either to get recognized or hang out with other comics or whatever. Godfrey was next to us talking to his friend. He was trying to explain to his friend why Man on Fire with Denzel Washington was badass. By the way, Man on Fire IS FUCKING THE BEST! Anyway, I could hear them talking and Godfrey was getting a little frustrated trying to convince his uninspired friend. I threw in a couple of lines of encouragement helping with Godfrey’s argument that Man on Fire ruled. Then we all started talking about what a great actor Denzel Washington was in general. Godfrey thanked me for helping him show his friend the light about the greatness of Man on Fire and we did one of those bro-hug thingies. That works, right? Physical contact – we shared a moment. A moment about Denzel Washington. Can anyone get any closer than that?

Why do you think Lady Gaga is refusing to do “Let’s Go” by The Cars?

Who says she is “refusing” to play it? Lollapalooza is in August. It is currently April. Unless, are you a time traveler? Does she not play it in August!?! NO!!!!! If you meant, why doesn’t she respond to me? That’s a good question. Maybe she is intimidated by my very vast voracious verbose vocabulary vilifying viciously venomous velvet vowel vectors. VICTORY!

Also, it would help if you all joined in and pestered the NYC Princess of Pop.


Why didn’t they finish it? Why was it axed? This new show – will I still have it bad for Timothy Olyphant when watching it? [concerning Deadwood and Justified]

Um, sometimes people do stupid things? I really cannot explain with common sense why they axed Deadwood. I loved Deadwood. I think HBO said it was too expensive, which is a great bullshit rationale that TV stations use to cancel shows. Of course, they usually turn around and make some other show that is much worse and costs just as much if not more. Will you still have it bad for Olyphant on Justified? Yeah. Yeah, you will. For one, he has his shirt off more on this show.

What are your preferences for your final accommodations?

That there is an afterlife. I really don’t care about the funeral that much. I’m an organ donor – whatever that means. I’m not pro burial or pro cremation. I’m pro-afterlife. I enjoy being alive and an afterlife is more being alive just in a different setting. I hope the afterlife is how I envision it – New York City on the island of Bora Bora, my pets, the Dahm Triplets, condomless sex, and power metal.


I hope everyone has a great weekend and I’ll see you next week. BECAUSE I’M STILL FUCKING WORKING NEXT WEEK! Have a great weekend.

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