Tiger Woods Is Going To Wear You Out

April 1, 2010

I’m not doing an April fool’s joke, so… onto the post.

It is Thursday, which means I’m already thinking about Friday. Sorry Thursday, but you are just a speed bump on the road to the weekend – as are most days. Last week, I believe was “Adorable Thursday”, which was a little different than the usual “Aggressive Thursday”. I doubt this post will be “adorable”, but it may not be “aggressive” either. It will most certainly be about Tiger Woods, so “Terrific Tiger Thursday” or something.

One gossipy story that just continues to keep on rolling and grabbing front page space on every major website is the Tiger Woods sex scandal. This story started at the end of November. It is currently April 1st. So for more than four months there have been front page articles about this sex scandal. More and more women come out every couple weeks saying they slept with Tiger. On top of that these women are releasing their “sext” messages with Tiger and voicemails. And then, The 2010 Masters Golf Tournament is next week and that will mark Tiger’s return to professional golf. Basically, what I’m saying is that this story will never end.

First and foremost, I have to say that I was a big fan of Tiger Woods before the sex scandal. Without a doubt, I believe he is the greatest golfer ever and he truly revolutionized the whole idea of golf. I do believe golf is a sport, but I believe even more that one could have argued it wasn’t a sport in the pre-Tiger era of golf. Golfers are certifiable athletes nowadays. Tiger pushed golf into the modern world of sports where these guys train extensively and need to eat better, watch their weight, gain more muscle, become faster and do much more than just practice hitting out of sand traps.

I was a big fan of Tiger Woods and I still am a big fan of Tiger Woods. I hope he shows up at the Masters next week and murders it. I hope Tiger treats the Masters’ course like he wanted to treat pornstar Joslyn James:

“I want to treat you rough, throw you around, spank and slap you.”

I hope he plays with a huge chip on his shoulder and just pees all over the competition exactly like the one Tiger asked Joslyn about:

“Have you ever had a golden shower done to you?…just morbid curiosity.”

I want Tiger to say to 2004 and 2006 Masters’ winner and his number 1 golf rival, Phil Mickelson:

“You are my f*cking whore. Hold you down while I choke you.”

You know on the golf course metaphorically. I’d like him then to turn around and tell 2007 and 2008 British Open Championship winner, Padraig Harrington:

“Ok, I would like to have a threesome with you and another girl you trust.”

Because who isn’t swayed by a nice Irish brogue like Padraig has? Also, Padraig is a down to Earth guy who has known his wife since childhood and has been married for 13 years, so out of everyone he deserves a fun threesome with Tiger and “another girl” or eight.

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I’m pretty sure everyone should recognize those texts as a part of the texts that were sent by Tiger Woods to pornstar Joslyn James. I want to be clear that from this moment on in this post I’m more or less going to praise and applaud Tiger Woods. I don’t want anyone to confuse this with me supporting adultery. I don’t. I don’t at all. But it happened. I’m not Tiger’s wife and I’m not Tiger’s kid (I wish everyday I was), so it really has no affect on me. That is their issue. And even in the legal stand point, it is not illegal to cheat. It is morally not the best, but it actually isn’t illegal. I’m not writing to judge Tiger on the idea of cheating on his wife, but I am going to talk about the cheating as far as who was it with and how did Tiger do at it.

When those “sexts” between pornstar Joslyn James and Tiger Woods were released people made a big prude fuss over the content of them. If you noticed, I keep referring to pornstar Joslyn James as PORNSTAR Joslyn James. Reason? BECAUSE SHE IS A FUCKING PORNSTAR WHO FUCKS FOR A LIVING. Not to say that you don’t need to wine and dine a pornstar in general, but maybe you don’t need to wine and dine a pornstar you cheat on your wife with. Nevertheless, Tiger actually does wine and dine Joslyn and at the same time he sends her some graphic texts. She’s a pornstar, I’m pretty sure she has heard and done worse. Oh wait a second, I AM SURE. When Tiger asks her “what turns you on”, her response is double penetration.

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DOUBLE PENETRATION! Oh my word, did Tiger Woods say he wanted to “spank” a woman whose response to “what turns you on?” was “two dicks inside me”… “at the same time”? Oh my, Tiger is so bad. Are people serious about this!?! All Tiger is saying is that he wants rough sex. AND he is saying it to someone whose initial and only response to “what turns you on?” is two guys banging her at the same time. I really don’t think she was offended or frightened by anything that Tiger Woods said.

Nor should she be because he is a guy she has already had sex with. It wasn’t like Tiger randomly texted “I want to wear you out” to some 60+ year old woman like Jessica Lange (who will be on the eventual list of 50 women over 60 who men should bang) that he never met before. Tiger was engaging in a sexual relationship with this woman already and was just continuing via text. But that isn’t the real issue…

The real issue in this sex scandal is:

WE ALL THOUGHT TIGER WOODS WAS A NERD!

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Come on! The dude went to Stanford. The dude plays golf. That’s the big deal. Dave Chappelle did a great impression of Tiger Woods which was making fun of how “white” he is. In the sketch where all the different races got to draft famous people, Tiger gets picked by black people. Dave is dressed in a polo shirt, a stupid baseball hat, big fake teeth and starts talking nasally – “I’ve always wanted to say this ‘fo-shizzle’.” That was our impression of Tiger Woods. It was. It shouldn’t have been.

Tiger Woods is ridiculously rich. Tiger Woods is ridiculously famous. Tiger Woods is the number one athlete in his sport in the world. All those things in any other sport would lead one to believe that he is a crazy, strip club loving, playboy. But Tiger is intelligent, soft spoken, genial in interviews, AND he plays NERDY ASS GOLF. People make assumptions that he wasn’t getting wild because of judging a book by its cover. Meanwhile, Tiger Woods’ best friends are Charles Barkley and, the greatest, Michael Jeffrey Jordan. That right there means he is/was cheating on his wife. There is no way in hell you hang out with Charles Barkley and Michael Jeffrey Jordan and are not cheating on your wife. Some guys get married just to hang out with Charles and Michael Jeffrey so they can participate in cheating on their wives. That’s just how they roll.

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Anyway, I should address the video. Vanity Fair did a photoshoot with four of the women who had affairs with Tiger Woods. First, let me say that the 3 blondes look excellent. They are all smoking hot. Tiger’s wife, Elin, is gorgeous. One thing that seems to worry me is that some of these celebrities when they cheat they end up cheating with unattractive women. I think the Bill Clinton sex scandal made a lot of people wince like “you gambled your marriage on her?” It is a little more respectable when the chicks are hot. That is also the key to Tiger – chickS – a plural amount of females. The brunette isn’t bad looking either, but in particular the blondes are all hot.

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The thing that I find weird about sex scandals and this Vanity Fair piece in general is everything is a financial opportunity. A lot of sex scandals are a financial opportunity for the women if they are paid to keep quiet. But when the guy isn’t going to pay and just let the madness continue then these women need to make their money somehow. That somehow is by making every explicit detail known and then smiling for the cameras and pretty much just saying “yeah, he put his penis in me”. It’s such an odd scenario. I tend to find that more offensive than the actions themselves.

For instance, Mindy Lawton (the brunette) – “Mindy Lawton, meanwhile, claims to have had sex with Tiger in a parking lot while she was menstruating, after which Vanity Fair writes the National Enquirer found her tampon, which may have been used as leverage to score a Men’s Fitness feature.” My response is HOLY SHIT! I’m not at all offended by Tiger having sex with Mindy in a parking lot, while she was on the rag or anything like that. What am I offended by is Mindy telling people this, the term “menstruating”, National Enquirer finding and having her tampon, and somehow this is used to get articles in magazines. HOLY FUCK! That is all so disturbing to me.

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Here’s the scenario – Tiger and Mindy are flirting and end up needing a place to do it like now. Tiger is like “let’s just go to my car”. Tiger and Mindy aren’t the first or billionth to have car sex. They’re in the car and they’re just tearing at each other. Then all of a sudden Mindy remembers it is “her time of the month”. She’s bleeding from a cooter and doesn’t want to ruin the upholstery. Tiger is sitting there hard as a rock. He has to make a decision – crime scene sex or no sex. Fuck it. He’s rich, he can get the car washed inside and out. Whatever. So they have sex. Stuff like this happens.

What doesn’t usually happen is her keeping the tampon and giving it to the National Enquirer. That is fucking gggggrrrrrroooooossssssssssssssss! I think Mindy Lawton looks like a crazy person in this story meanwhile Tiger just looks like a guy with a wondering shlong. That is just some weird shit Mindy Lawton. Oh Tiger sent a few rough sex texts to a pornstar meanwhile Mindy Lawton is keeping… well… you know. It’s just unsanitary. It’s gross, Mindy! Gross! I don’t know what my point is outside that is gross and that don’t hold any reverence for these women.

Most, if not all, of the women Tiger slept with were career adulterers. That is what they did; they slept with rich/famous married men. On top of that, they all fucking loved Tiger. LOVED him. They all loved Tiger. All of them give Tiger rave reviews in bed. Tiger was “bigger and better” than Michael Jeffrey Jordan according to Loredana Jolie. If you have a decent analytical mind you should realize that means Loredana Jolie also FUCKED MICHAEL JEFFREY JORDAN. Even dirty ass Mindy Lawton said “On a scale of 1 to 10, I would give him a 12.”

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Again, I’m not saying Tiger isn’t wrong for cheating, but it happened. There are plenty of celebrities we know who cheated *cough-Kobe Bryant-cough* who also didn’t seem to treat their adulteress well *cough-Kobe stuck it forcefully in her butt-cough*. Meanwhile, these chicks fucking love Tiger. None of them have a bad word to say about him. He was nice to them, he was good in bed, he sent them text messages about how much he couldn’t wait to be with them, how hot they were, bought them hotel rooms, bought them food et cetera.

I think it is safe to say that Tiger Woods was the best relationship most of these women have and will ever have in life. It seems like Tiger treated these women pretty well. Think about what it would be like to have an on going relationship with Tiger Woods – probably the greatest thing ever. Whenever you were spending the weekend with Tiger or whatever you would need to mirror Tiger’s schedule. Tiger goes to sleep early, real early and wakes up early, real early. There are texts of his to pornstar Joslyn James of him saying 10pm is him being up really late. He also texts her at 8am once saying that was the latest he had slept in years. Generally, Tiger is asleep by 10 and up around 5 or 6 am. Do you think that pornstar Joslyn James at any point in her life has ever had a good night sleep from 10pm to 6am? NO. She’s a pornstar probably out scoring coke and partying, right?

Tiger Woods had these women sleeping better! Also, you may want to be skeptical, but you know that Tiger had them eating better too. Tiger Woods is a health machine. There is no way he eats shit food for breakfast, lunch or dinner. I guarantee he wouldn’t let it stand for these women to eat shit food in front of him. I would bet that they ate better, slept better and I would bet they even exercised more when they were with Tiger. Exercise outside of the amazing vigorous sex that Tiger gave them which they all loved to pieces.

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I just feel like I had to mention all that. I think we just want to lump Tiger in with all the other celebrities and their sex scandals, but I think that is a little unfair. If we’re going to sit there and judge Tiger then we should judge it all. Not many sex scandals have the women lauding the guy with praise. Most of them want to tear down the guy. Most of them don’t openly admit that he was the best sex of their lives. Shouldn’t that count for something? It may be a minor victory, but it’s a victory that should be noted. A lot of these sex scandals come out because the guy did something weird and the girl(s) are taking him to court. As far as we know, Tiger doesn’t have any illegitimate kids, didn’t treat them wrong and instead they all FUCKING LOVED FUCKING HIM.

It’s bad that Tiger cheated, but I’ll still be rooting for him at the Masters. Why? Because I’m a fan of Tiger Woods the golfer. I rooted for him before because I thought he was the greatest golfer of all time and I think he can continue to be.

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62 Responses to “Tiger Woods Is Going To Wear You Out”

  1. tiffanized said

    Earlier this week my friend showed me a video of her baby stuffing his face with chocolate cupcake and then vomiting it back up onto his high chair tray and smearing it around.

    This Vanity Fair video is more nauseating.

  2. And here I mistakenly thought the Cardinal Rule was DON’T CHEAT ON YOUR MOTHERFUCKING WIFE. Silly me!

  3. raven said

    “Michelle can tell a story like nobody else, and she’s got a lot of stories to tell.” Really? I don’t know about a lot of stories, but I can see two of them easily enough. Really. Big. Stories.

    • tiffanized said

      I also like that he indicates that the reason Tiger spent money on the woman in the bed was because she was “personable”. As you all can attest to, I’m personable as a motherfucker, and not once has a professional athlete taken me on a shopping spree.

  4. PWG said

    I’m more creeped out my Mark Seliger than Tiger Woods. He looks like he’s going to break into a high-pitched psychotic giggle at any moment.

    • Pol said

      I agree he is creepy and so sad…it’s so pathetic when men describe those vultures as ‘personable’
      …they deserve to be swindled,shamed and cheated out of their money.

      Men will believe anything if you smile coyly, flash your cleavge and toss some sweet-smelling locks in their faces.

      Poor Tiger’s got an insatiable thirst for the milk…. lmao!! For cheating scum, adultery is a sin dude, no two ways about it

  5. PWG said

    There are lots of things I wouldn’t mind becoming famous for. Fucking someone else’s husband isn’t one of them.

  6. Pol said

    Joselyn James has some HECTIC camel toe…omw…why was I looking there????? So disturbed….going to drink some more now….

    Tiger Woods almost certainly could not have been using condoms…gross…yes he could break you with his syphilis.

    • raven said

      That’s more than toe. It’s the whole damn foot. Seriously, there is nothing left to the imagination in that picture.

      • Pol said

        lol!!! It’s scary…I’m sure there are vagina dentata in there, lol!!!

      • kristenstewartwantsit said

        I don’t know where any of my comments are going to get placed, but I want to say two additional things:

        1. Elin is hotter than all of these chicks in my opinion. I just wanted to make sure everyone including Elin knew that. And I would be cool with helping raise Tiger Woods’ child. Just throwing that out there if Elin is reading.

        2. What if Tiger Woods sleeping with all these women was actually a very complicated plot to stop an impending secret vampire/werewolf war in the Pacific Northwest where all parties are disguising themselves as high school students? Would that make it better? Would you go see that as a movie in theaters? Would you read that as a book or watch it as a television mini-series?

      • tiffanized said

        1. The hotness of the wife should not matter. At all. She is a human being, not an ornament.

        2. Would the “other women” still only be allowed in the media if they are wearing lingerie, bikinis or perilously low-cut blouses? Would they still be referred to as “Tiger’s women” as though he owned them, now and forever, just because he had sex with them? Would Elin have been in on and supportive of the plot? Most importantly, would the special effects and wigs in the movie/mini series be better than the Twilight saga? I will need a guaranteed no/no/yes/yes answer series on this one.

    • Lala said

      I was going to say something about it too, it’s really gross. Aaand I don’t know why I was looking there.

  7. tiffanized said

    The circumstances around this topic are so heartbreakingly sad. Sad for Tiger’s children, primarily, because they are the only ones who can truly be held up as innocent and who may never remember a time when their dad wasn’t a known poon hound. Sad for Elin, who was forgotten by her chosen life mate while she raised their children and managed their family life and household (nannies, housecleaners and accountants notwithstanding). Sad for Tiger who is missing some crucial piece of himself that would have allowed him to stay single or stay faithful. Sad for these women whose biggest opportunity in life is who they fuck and not who they are.

    Your words were excellent and well chosen even if the subject matter wasn’t.

  8. I’m an equal opportunity hater. I don’t like the women for this shit any more than I like Tiger for it. How much can they really “love” him if they’re so willing to come forward with their sexts and tampons (what the motherfuck, that is repulsive)?

    The only people I feel bad for and sympathize with in this whole ordeal are his kids and wife, for the very reasons Tiffanized already covered. But I also can’t help but pity the women who slept with him if your assumption that “Tiger Woods was the best relationship most of these women have and will ever have in life” is true. How sad for them.

    I feel weird being serious here, so I’m going to stop. But let it be known that this makes me sad panda: “It is a little more respectable when the chicks are hot.” Should’ve brought my panda ears to work with me today…

    • MLF said

      I agree. That’s kind of the dumbest thing ever, like oh well look how hot she is. That makes it legit.

      uhmm…no.

    • kristenstewartwantsit said

      “I feel weird being serious here, so I’m going to stop. But let it be known that this makes me sad panda: “It is a little more respectable when the chicks are hot.” Should’ve brought my panda ears to work with me today…”

      You do all remember this is a website based on JOKES? It’s a humorous observation. And you know people do look at these women and think that. Everyone is always so enamored with finding out what the other woman or other man looks like. That is one of the reasons why this story is so compelling is that the people involved are attractive.

      • MLF said

        maybe it’s just me but personally I find nothing funny about it. just sad really.

      • PWG said

        I hope by “the people involved are attractive” you don’t mean Woods. He is not an attractive man no matter how much the wallet in his back pocket makes him look like he’s sitting in a high chair at the big peoples’ table. (I just NOW noticed how funny it is that his last name is Woods.) I disagree though, I feel more sympathetic when the other woman or man is less attractive. That makes me think there’s the slightest chance it could’ve been anything other than shallowness and total lack of character behind it all.

      • MLF said

        completely agree

      • tiffanized said

        I understand this is a comedy site, which is why the comments section does not contain my full feminist exposition about why these jokes aren’t funny to many women. Also, because after reading for lo these many months I know that you are not misogynistic, and that you often write things that are bound to fall flat with someone even though your commenters are sick enough to find almost anything hilarious. It just happens that today’s post has fallen flat with many of your female single, married and divorced commenters, most of whom can probably tell you a story about being cheated on because the other woman was just too hot to pass up. We’ll get over it and so will you.

      • kristenstewartwantsit said

        I am surprised no one made mention of my Jessica Lange comment.

        Not a misogynist indeed. I am crafting a list of 50 women over 60 years old that I think would be perfectly acceptable (and encouraged) for a younger man like myself to try and bang. That is about as pro women as you can get.

      • tiffanized said

        A list of women in their retirement years you rate based on their continued sexual usefulness to men is proof that you are pro-woman? I’ll let this slide since you created the list of fuckable older men first and are obviously an egalitarian when it comes to geriatric sexuality. Also I don’t want to discourage you because I am more curious than I am a humorless feminist. Also I imagine there’s only so much taunting you will take before you post the incriminating photos you have of me on this blog.

      • Crystal said

        What? Incriminating photos??

        POST NUDEZ!!!

        Yeah…I’m about 15.

      • “You do all remember this is a website based on JOKES? It’s a humorous observation. And you know people do look at these women and think that.”

        Yes, I’m sorry. I know it’s based on jokes. But at the same time, that’s as much not a joke as it is a joke. You acknowledged it yourself – people look at these women and think that. I’m probably guilty of the same. I’d be lying if I were to pretend I’d never had an Arrested Development “Her?” reaction to some of the Other Women that have been revealed.

        At the same time, I don’t know that I would feel “better” about it if the other woman/man was less attractive as PWG hypothesized. I mean… cheating is cheating, but is cheating on a shallow physical level better or worse than cheating on an emotional level?

        Sorry. I’m far too serious for this. For what it’s worth, I laughed at a lot of what you said today. Good observations. Good comedy, as always. But see, I’m pretty plain. My personality is the best thing I’ve got going for me. I’ve been upstaged by one too many hot girls in my life, and sometimes it’s hard to forget that and leave it all behind for the sake of comedy.

        Sincerely,
        Debbie Downer

      • kristenstewartwantsit said

        This is in response to HB in case my comment gets moved-

        Oh holy fuck. You’ve seen pictures of me! That is unless you are blind. And if you’re blind then I’m not sure how you are getting any of the other visual references. So, fucking buck the fuck up. Do I really have to go into all this uplifting shit like at least you aren’t out there fucking some married man and swabbing up your vajayjay with a used tampon to use to get a magazine article. Man alive! Do you know how demeaning that must’ve been? That’s what these “hot” women I’m talking about are out there doing. Ahhhh… I’m running out of time to really rant on you about your pitty party.

        I don’t fucking know what to say. THE SUN IS SHINING IN NEW JERSEY! SMILE!

      • PWG said

        I don’t know where THIS is going to go, but it’s in response to Kay Swidge’s response to HB.

        I don’t know what the hell either of you are talking about. I’d do both of you. I’ve seen the panda ears AND the arm tatts.

        Except then I’d be a philanderer like Tiger. The only thing saving you both from molestation is Mr. PWG.

      • Crystal said

        Yay. Someone other than me got yelled at by K-Swidge.

        Wait a minute.

        WATCH IT MISTER!! No yelling at HB. I will punch you.

      • You’re going to make me compliment you again, aren’t you? I’ll do you a solid and keep it brief… For the record, Mr. You’ve Seen Pictures of Me, the general consensus on Twitter when you full on outed yourself on the “FUCK YOU!” day was “aw, Jordan’s a cutie!” Any lady would be lucky to have you.

        I’m not going to have an insecurities showdown with you. And I’m not throwing a pity party, but I’ll take a compliment like “at least you’re not a filthy whore selling dirty tampons” where and when I can get them. It’s been a while since someone’s whispered such sweet nothings to me…

        All I really want right now is for Mr. PWG to get the fuck out of the picture so I can get molested. Actually, I wouldn’t mind seeing Crystal go apeshit on you either… But I guess for now I’ll settle for a Yuengling in the glorious NJ sun.

      • Crystal said

        I enjoy punching cute boys. It makes me feel powerful.

        And it’s how I flirt…which is why I’m single….

      • PWG said

        HB: “at least you’re not a filthy whore selling dirty tampons”

        After 10 years with my current employer, I had run out of things to write in my coworkers’ birthday cards. Problem no more.

      • kristenstewartwantsit said

        Listen, you have more twitter followers than me. You win.

        I’m sticking with fucking buck the fuck up. Just think – I have put Barbara Walters on my list of 50 women over 60. How can you live in a pity party world when that is going on? She’s 80!!!!!

      • tiffanized said

        Jordan, what do you mean, she’s seen pictures of you?

      • tiffanized said

        HB, you are beautiful. I’ve Facebook stalked you for some time, and whether you are pink-cheeked in Scotland, dressed as a turtle or wearing pipecleaners on your head, I have been envious of your smile and glow and aliveness. I can’t imagine ever describing you as plain.

        In a previous life I was the proverbial ‘hot girl’. Long dark hair, big tits, tiny waist, perfect skin. I had no personality, because I didn’t have to, and was fucked and forgotten, every time. When I ceased to fit the cultural ideal of beauty, I grew a personality and now here I am getting virtually scissored on a daily basis. This is infinitely preferable to generic hotness.

      • So… what you don’t know is that I take compliments even worse than Jordan does. And I hate being the center of attention unless it’s in a sarcastic manner. But I will do the mature thing and sheepishly say thank you a million times over for everything you just said, when in reality I really just want to ask you if you’ll make out with me right now. So… thank you. Sincerely. Also, please let me put my mouth on yours. I’m sorry, what?

      • Crystal said

        Well said Tiffanized.

        Virtual Scissoring = love.

  9. MLF said

    I am young, unmarried, and never been cheated on, so I really have no personal experience from which to base my opinions off of, therefore I will not comment on what I think about the whole cheating thing. I will say that I would have never fucked Tiger, sex God or not. And I’ve never really liked Tiger. My whole family golfs so I get stuck watching all the tournaments, and Tiger always has a bad attitude. For the most part I think he is kind of a douche.

  10. PWG said

    Vis a vis the tampon story, which makes me throw up in my mouth a little, I’m confused. She had it in place BEFORE she started banging him in the car? Then presumably she would’ve removed it so Tiger could make use of the space. Are they implying somehow that she stuck that shit back IN? And that’s how it got Tiger’s DNA on it, and then what, she took it BACK OUT a scond time? And then the Men’s Health blackmail, blah blah blah.

    I’m here to tell you that tampons are not reusable in that sense. Whatsoever. Not gonna happen. Or what, she stuck a fresh one in there after sex with him and then promptly took it out again for the National Enquirer to find? Did they find multiple pieces of that kind of “evidence” and DNA test it all? Against what the hell DNA samples? Okay, I’m very disturbed and confused by the tampon sequence and even if someone has a sensible explanation I don’t think I want to know.

    • tiffanized said

      The tampon situation also carries the implication that the sex was condomless, totally responsible behavior for a married man who made a habit of fucking many different women, including several who have sex for money.

  11. eep. I know I’m the peanut gallery, but I didn’t find it funny either.

  12. PWG said

    “Think about what it would be like to have an on going relationship with Tiger Woods – probably the greatest thing ever.”

    Bwah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha — hang on I’m out of H’s and A’s — ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

    You are insane, my friend. I truly and sincerely hope that each and every one of the women that Tiger has had “ongoing relationships” with over the last decade do much better in the future. The one and only thing Tiger provides that might be irreplaceable is a vast pile of money. I doubt any of those women took breathtaking pleasure in his golf swing, and a big dick might not be hanging off every tree but it’s not exactly an ivory-billed woodpecker, either.

  13. Crystal said

    I was engaged to a lying cheating bastard so I will just say this in response to this post:

    Yes, it does help when the women are at least attractive. Not much, but somewhat.

    My ex was sleeping with fat, (not that I’m not fat too, but these girls were bigger than me and that’s saying something…) ugly, slutty, almost underage girls.

    I was definitely a bitch hatin’ bitches in this scenario.

    But I agree….if Tiger is a good golfer that’s all that should be brought up in regards to his career. In life he’s a cheating dickhead but a good golfer apparently…not that I give two shits about golf.

    I don’t know if any of that made sense but those are my words.

  14. raven said

    I have to say, I’m a little disappointed that out of all the women pictured in the lovely Vanity Fair feature, us brunettes were represented by the skanky nut job. The blondes were “personable” and told “great stories” and they were hot, as you Jordan so eloquently pointed out. Meanwhile, the brunette was “close by”. Awesome.

    Question: I know you don’t necessarily celebrate Easter, but surely you partake in the candy this time of year. What is your favorite? Cadbury Eggs? Jellybeans? Those nasty Peeps that turn hard and stale almost as soon as you take them out of the package?

  15. PWG said

    I should add after all those other comments I made that I don’t really care who Tiger Woods sleeps with. It’s depressing in the sense that I prefer stories about people doing good, kind, generous or heroic things to stories about people who lie, cheat, steal, or harm others.

    I can understand wanting to sleep with other people, I just think you should be a big boy or girl about it and bow out of the relationship you’re currently in before you go looking for a new one. Then you have to consciously decide if you only want to see your kids every other weekend and all that jazz first. If I were Tiger’s mother I would be so disappointed in him.

    • tiffanized said

      I don’t stay up nights thinking about Tiger and Elin Woods or the future of his career or their marriage. My problem is and always has been the prurient media coverage of any scandal like this, and the inevitable comparison of the women involved. The first question is often, “Why would Bill/Tiger/Jesse cheat on Hillary/Elin/Sandra with Monica/Rachel/Michelle? Monica/Rachel/Michelle is so much dumber/uglier/trashier than Hillary/Elin/Sandra.” Or worse, when it is understood that of course he would cheat with this other woman, because she is obviously hotter and therefore worth the pain he is causing his wife. Or worst, when the blame is placed equally or solely on the wife’s shoulders for not fucking her husband better or more often.

  16. PWG said

    Gah, I’m still pondering how important it is for people you admire for one specific thing to be good people in other aspects of their lives.

    I think as long as you’re not entrusting them with anything like your money, your kids or your soul you shouldn’t waste much energy on it. Athletes or actors don’t usually qualify. I think the late Pope John Paul II was probably a pretty decent Pope as far as those things go. I’ll accept that he did a lot of good in the world while he was on the job. But he also violates all three of those categories up there so he does not pass go, he does not collect $200, he goes directly to jail. Or Hell, in this case. If I believed in that. Jail actually works out better for my sensibilities.

  17. Pol said

    Look, I’ll say this for Tiger, I find golf phenomenally boring but I once caught a special showing all the best shots of his career and it was pretty spectacular. I was like yay, go brother man, whipping ass in an elitist white sport!

    But the dude has serious problem and he only does white chicks??? WTF? And I don’t really care about his wife to be honest, most of those women who mary high profile sportsmen know exactly what the deal is…just look at Posh and Becks…right now she’s probably on the phone saying, ‘I want Half!!!! Mo Fo!!Give me my Half!’

  18. campbelld said

    That was the thing that got me the most-that is was Tiger Woods who banged this many chicks. On a ratio of geek/famous sportsperson he was right up there, if not at the top. I would have been far less surprised if there was say, I dunno, Micheal Schumacher, or Rafeal Nadal. They are super cool dudes. Tiger? Well I wasn’t surprised that a sportsman was cheating on his wife I was surprised that Tiger Woods was.
    Man, you really got your arse complained about here in the comments section. I am hardly surprised though.
    I would hesitate to call all of the women hot. They are attractive but for the most part they are very trashy. Like fake tan and plastic surgery trashy. Not cool.
    Here’s links to two other excellent Tiger Woods pieces.

    http://www.cracked.com/blog/what-tiger-woods-apology-should-have-been

    http://www.beersteak.com/breaking-news/tiger-woods-fucks-bitches-funny-or-die-video/

  19. On a funny note… I just got out of 3 hrs of meetings. I missed a meeting because one ran over. As soon as I sat down at my desk, the guy I missed the meeting with came over and this was the conversation that followed:

    Guy: Do you want to do it now?
    *cue inner dialogue of ASTERISK ASTERISK ASTERISK and a Herculean effort to fight off the giggles*
    Me: Can you just give me 15 mins to get my shit together?
    Guy: Sure. Grab me when you’re ready.

    For the record, “getting my shit together” was me catching up on the comments. Such devotion!

  20. PWG said

    Friday question #3: Under what circumstances is it acceptable for the future Mrs. Kay Swidge to stray? If you’re impotent? Sterile? A 95-year old billionaire married to a young model? What if Robert Redford offers her a million dollars? If it’s to get you a kidney from a shady organ harvester?

    If someone loved you very much, so that your happiness was the only thing that she wanted in the world, but she did a bad thing to make certain of it, could you forgive her? And he never knew, and the girl kept this bad thing locked in her heart? That would be all right, wouldn’t it? (She’s Bulgarian in this scenario.)

  21. Cristalena said

    surprisingly, none of these women were paid for their interviews with vanity fair. I also read that one of the blonde ones asked him to help her out and he said he couldn’ and the crazy brunette one said he was cheap and the only thing he bought her was a subway sandwich.

    i’m tired of tiger’s sex scandal, i’ve moved on to jesse james.

  22. tiffanized said

    Okay, Friday question, assuming you’re not so pissed at us that you don’t show up tomorrow at all:

    Do you believe that 200 years from now any popular music, art or literature from our generation will be studied in schools? What are your best guesses as to which artists and writers might stand the test of time?

  23. susanelle said

    Eh, Tiger Woods is still a nerd. Those sexts did not turn him into Suave International Man of Quiver.

    Look at that picture. He does not want it. (Have you not trained us to see this??)

    But it will be REALLY INTERESTING to see if he can still golf. Probably he can, he’s a piece of wood, a robot.

  24. campbelld said

    Wow. I missed some fun times. I gotta start hanging in the comments again.

  25. AmyAlmost said

    Tiger Woods plays golf. Golf is boring. Cheating in relationships is the weak way to tell someone you’re not in love. Tiger Woods is weak and I hope people enjoy sledging him. Do people sledge in golf? Wiki told me its a cricket term.

    My Friday question is why are you single?

  26. aneira said

    i was in florida all week and had no wifi. that was awesome. i saw the runaways last week and it was wonderful. i mean it was a classic rise and fall of a rockband story but kristen was not awkward at all, like she is in the majority of her movies. but my fucking god did she want it. she wanted dakota fanning and everything else breathing. the guy who played kim fowley had a great preformance and overall the movie was well done.

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