This Week In Kristen Stewart Wants IT #21

April 2, 2010

Friday! It is FRY-DAY! It is sunny out again today in New Jersey. I am a pale white American Jew Irishman and I burn in the sun. Also, I love computers, TV, movies, headphones, dark places, sleeping, laying on the couch and comic books. One would wonder what I do in the sun. Not a whole heck of a lot, but the fact that it is sunny and beautiful out helps with everyone’s seasonal depression. And, it is sunny out, but it has a nice brisk wind which means it isn’t hot and humid. As we all know too much cold leads to depression and too much hot leads to random gun violence. As the poet 50 Cent said, “In the hood, summer time is the killin’ season. Is hot out this bitch, that’s a good enough reason!”

It’s hot enough no one should be ODing on sleepers and cool enough no one should be doing drive-bys. Which means… IT’S QUESTION AND ANSWER TIME!

One more thing – No posts on Monday and Tuesday. I will be taking a long weekend from mork. So I’ll see you all Wednesday I guess. That is unless you all have forsaken me by then.

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Do people sledge in golf? Wiki told me it’s a cricket term.

I topeka-ed “sledge” on google. It is a cricket term and it means to talk trash. First, I would like to say that I think cricket is the silliest game I have ever seen. Sillier than curling. It is horrendously complicated for no apparent reason and you need to carry a pocket glossary to “understand” what anyone is talking about. If I were to make a series of children’s movies involving a modern day kid being adopted by mystical pirates, with little to no mention of the huge age discrepancy between the pirates and the child, the made-up game that the pirates play to pass the time between cannon duels would be cricket. A game devised by illogical, drunk, salt water crazy, oddly British pirates who are in dire need of a light hearted silly activity between sword stabbings and single fire pistol shootings that they can play with a little child and giggle together – it would be cricket.

Second, YES! Yes, they “sledge”! People talk shit to each other all the time no matter what activity. Even golf. Actually, Tiger isn’t necessarily known for “sledging” per say, but he is very well known for intimidating opponents with body language and general disposition. I know we all want to make some jokes about sex and body language and so forth. Actually, pretty much everything I say from here on out is a * worthy “that’s what she said” – fill it in yourself when needed*. Truthfully, Tiger is a phenomenal golfer. One of his most impressive strengths on the golf course is his head-to-head play. If you don’t know, in golf the players go around the course in tandem. The pairings are by how well you’re doing in that particular event. Tiger is excellent at intimidating the shit out of whoever he is paired up with – especially on the last day when usually it is Tiger paired up with the other top guy. Pretty much every golfer has buckled under the pressure of playing with Tiger on the last day. In short, Tiger makes them choke*.

My Friday question is why are you single?

You might be surprised by this, but walking up to an attractive lady one does not know and handing her a stack of paper and saying, “Hello, I’m Jordan. Here are 30,000 words I have written regarding Twilight actress Kristen Stewart and how she looks like she wants IT. In this document you will learn about some classical philosophy, random history, my thoughts on Star Wars, my love for heroic and obscure athletes from the 1990’s, as well as many many other things that could/will be disturbing. Please read this. You will find it charming, insane, funny, thought provoking, frightening, and, by the end of it, maybe you will want to get drunk and make some bad decisions in a bedroom, on a couch or in a coat room with me. No pressure, but I only have two copies of that and the redhead with the cleavage who only slightly reminds me of Christina Hendricks at the end of the bar over there has the other copy – so I will need it back at some point.”, doesn’t work as well as one would hope.

Do you believe that 200 years from now any popular music, art or literature from our generation will be studied in schools? What are your best guesses as to which artists and writers might stand the test of time?

Will there be? Of-fucking-course. My question back is why wouldn’t our music, art, literature et cetera survive the test of time? I’ve read Euripides on two different occasions – it is from 2400 years ago! Or what about St. Augustine’s Confessions!?! I’ve read that a couple times as well. That is from 1700 years ago. It’s an auto-biography of a guy who is only 40 years old. And let me give you a spoiler alert – Augustine doesn’t become the first black President of the United States of Planet Earth! Maybe I’m reading the underlying sentiment of this question wrong, but it sounds like you are skeptical the future will not regard our current world well. And that is ridiculous.

First, we kick motherfucking ass! Do you not see how badass people are nowadays!?! Look at the damn internet! It’s a crazy magical world where every person in the world can have a voice to either show off any talent they have or make a complete fucking ass out of themselves and we all can laugh at that person – and it is all recorded FOREVER. What did the 1700’s have? The printing press – that shit had been around for 700 years by then. Or wooden ships? Those had been around since well… forever. We’re doing much more kickass things nowadays. We have AIRPLANES! What did the jackasses in the 1500s or 1200s or Jesus Christ have? Horses? Donkeys? The wheel? Oh man, we’re so much cooler than those guys. Back in the day, WAS THE WORST! But we’re still talking and studying it. Think about how much recorded material there is nowadays. Everything is being recorded. The people of the future will be able to study EVERYTHING from this moment in history.

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I think tons of people from nowadays will be studied for good and bad reasons. I don’t feel like writing a huge list because it would be pointless long. I’ll just say Arnold Schwarzengger will be studied like no other. Born in post World War II Austria, became a competitive bodybuilder at 18, youngest to win Mr. Universe at 20, moved to the USA at 21, became arguably the greatest bodybuilder of all time, became an action star in movies, became the #1 action star in movies, became an A list leading male in movies, married a Kennedy, became a famous philanthropist and began stumping for the Republican party as far back as President Reagan, and eventually became the 2x Governor of California. The man is turning 63 this year and really could accomplish anything seemingly. He will be studied. He will be studied heavily.

Friday question #3: Under what circumstances is it acceptable for the future Mrs. Kay Swidge to stray? If you’re impotent? Sterile? A 95-year old billionaire married to a young model? What if Robert Redford offers her a million dollars? If it’s to get you a kidney from a shady organ harvester? If someone loved you very much, so that your happiness was the only thing that she wanted in the world, but she did a bad thing to make certain of it, could you forgive her? And he never knew, and the girl kept this bad thing locked in her heart? That would be all right, wouldn’t it?

In any of these scenarios am I in love with this “Mrs. Kay Swidge” and am I currently not cheating on her or planning on it? If we’re saying actual “love” is involved then I don’t think I would handle it well if someone cheated on me. A golf club would be the least to worry about for everyone involved in the cheating. The relationship would most likely end the second I found out about the cheating. We may not break-up that second because I will be planning my revenge, but in my head that person would be more or less dead to me.

Most likely I would move. I would leave wherever that area is in the world that involved the cheating and never go back to it.

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2. Would the “other women” still only be allowed in the media if they are wearing lingerie, bikinis or perilously low-cut blouses? Would they still be referred to as “Tiger’s women” as though he owned them, now and forever, just because he had sex with them? Would Elin have been in on and supportive of the plot? Most importantly, would the special effects and wigs in the movie/mini series be better than the Twilight saga? I will need a guaranteed no/no/yes/yes answer series on this one.

You’ll just have to buy your ticket or tune in to find out. One, I’m not sure why you’re against them only wearing lingerie, bikinis or perilously low-cut blouses – if I’m going to hire a bunch of hot young actresses to stumble through an obscene storyline then why am I covering them up like it’s the Middle Ages? Two, maybe not “Tiger’s women”, but “Tiger women” sounds fucking bad fucking ass. Three, that is the twist you’ll have to wait until act 3 of the movie or about 6 episodes into the mini-series to find out. Four, I’m pretty sure even with no budget and just my MS-Paint skills I could make better special effects than both Twilight movies thus far.

Question: I know you don’t necessarily celebrate Easter, but surely you partake in the candy this time of year. What is your favorite? Cadbury Eggs? Jellybeans? Those nasty Peeps that turn hard and stale almost as soon as you take them out of the package?

I have celebrated Easter in the sense that everyone who isn’t really religious celebrates Easter. And by that I mean, I don’t go to church, I think of the holiday more in terms of rabbits and candy. I don’t really like jellybeans or peeps at all. I like chocolate and peanut butter so whatever has that.

How much can they really “love” him if they’re so willing to come forward with their sexts and tampons (what the motherfuck, that is repulsive)?

They don’t “love” Tiger in an eternal gay homo, heterosexual, age of consent law, forehead rubbing Twilight “love”. I meant they “love” him like how I “love” coffee. I mean I enjoy the shit out of coffee. I drink a cup pretty much every day nowadays. At the same time, I have spent years not drinking coffee and I think I could easily go back to it if I wanted. I’m just frivolously using the term “love” because I didn’t think everyone would get so judgmental about every damn adjective or verb I use. Seriously, I say someone is “hot” and that doesn’t translate to “I think this female life form is the greatest embodiment of what we humans believe is beautiful and she is vastly superior in integrity and intelligence to all others especially the females who are reading this blog.” I’m just saying the chick is “hot”. They’re all not not attractive. That’s what I’m saying more or less. Nothing more. They’re a bunch of whores who fucked Tiger Woods for money and some of them are on the positive side of “good looking” – jeez give me a fucking break. You can start nit picking every single word I use when this blog stops being free.

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Can you actually play your bass guitar? That’s a cool band name I guess, what kind of music would you play?

No. I cannot “actually play” the bass guitar. A Band of Evil Angels would play the only music a band should play – rockabilly funk.

Here’s a question for Friday: if we were to be hit with the plagues again, I think it’s safe to say that God would probably mix it up a little. Assuming yes, what would the plagues of the new millennium be? Legions of groundhog robots with weaponized Want?

I think we are currently experiencing the new waves of plagues – it is called Fox News. ZING! I got more. The ten plagues that God has sent upon us: Sarah Palin, Glenn Beck, Bill O’Reilly, Perez Hilton, Ryan Seacrest, The Emmy Awards, Osama Bin Laden, all organized religion, Red Bull energy drink (I want to hate it so much and I think it will lead to cancer, but it is good stuff), and Justin Bieber. Am I the only one in the world that doesn’t like Justin Bieber and/or understand why people like him at all? Isn’t he from Canada!?!

That last part about not liking Canada is a joke. My one and only true love, Elisha Cuthbert, is Canadian. If and when Canada begins attacking innocent civilians with hockey sticks and curling stones around the world and we declare them the newest member of the Axis of Evil – I will say “Canada gave us Elisha Cuthbert, which is a far superior holy gift than the Statue of Liberty, so they cannot be completely evil. Just misunderstood.”

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“Which would you be more afraid of if you actually saw it in real life – a ghost, or an extraterrestrial? Qualification: consider only the first few seconds, when you have no way to know if it’s a good guy or bad guy. Just in terms of that moment of pure realization – “I’m seeing a ghost,” or “I’m seeing an alien.” Which occurrence would you prefer to have happen solely on the basis of the fear factor, i.e. because it would scare you the least? “I don’t believe in ghosts/aliens” doesn’t count as an answer.”

Immediately, I would be more scared of a ghost I think. I am expecting aliens at some point. I don’t really expect to see ghosts. I would rather see an alien than a ghost. I don’t want to see ghosts. I don’t like the idea of being haunted by the dead and I don’t like the idea that maybe when I die my soul will be trapped haunting some shitty apartment I lived in once. Also, no matter how badass an alien is – I’m betting there is a way for us to defeat it if it is evil – “if it bleeds, we can kill it”. As for ghosts? I’m not sure you can defeat a ghost without proton pack guns and so forth. For instance, if the aliens from Signs showed up on Earth – I WOULD BE ECSTATIC! I have a case of water and some golf clubs in my car right now. I would be an unstoppable killing force against those aliens. I would have no remorse and tear through them like I was Rambo. It would be great.

This is all bad scenario alien/ghost stuff. There is good scenario alien/ghost stuff. In those scenarios the alien wins out. If this turns out to be like Star Trek where there are hot aliens then that would fucking rule. If it is a hot ghost then I wouldn’t care as much. Most ghosts you can’t interact with. So again aliens win. Either I’ll be able to fight and kill the aliens as enemy invaders… or… hot alien ladies who are green or have three breasts or whatever would be welcome at any Jersey City party Dawgz and I throw.

#1 How realistic is it to toilet-train a cat?

Very. I’ve seen squirrels that water ski. I think a cat can at least learn to use a toilet.

are there really any raiders fans?

Definitely. Definitely. There probably shouldn’t be any after their last few years in football, but there definitely are Raider fans. This year the Raiders have the potential to be very good. I would keep an eye on them.

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What the heck is your board all about? Why are you crying about the democrats? Why are you using images of Kristen Stewart? Are you trying to get readers to your maniacal ramblings?

Yes. Yes, I am trying to get readers to my maniacal ramblings the only way I know how: by writing more maniacal ramblings.

Have a great weekend everyone! Fucking buck the fuck up. And, Happy Easter.

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33 Responses to “This Week In Kristen Stewart Wants IT #21”

  1. campbelld said

    I see that I did indeed get to the party late, with my questions I mean. Yesterday got heavy and it wasn’t much fun. In the comments I mean. I liked the post. I don’t know why we were so cranky. Look at the sunny gorgeous weather that we have in this part of the world. We should be happy. We ahouls be loving each other, perhaps all in some enormous pile. Anyway, I have to go explore Montreal now.

  2. I tweeted about my alarming paleness while out to lunch, I made the bad joke of “topeka-ing” something earlier this morning, and I’ve been listening to The Temper Trap on a continuous loop for about 3 weeks now. Get out of my damn head. Or quit stalking me. Or at least have the decency to buy me a beer or 12 if you’re going to watch me like a creeper. I can be your wingman (wingwoman? wing-girl? wingchick? chicken wing! what?) and help you bag the hot chicks. Here’s a hint to get you started: don’t tell them about the second copy of “Getting Familiar with Kay Swidge: the Unabridged Version” you gave out. The key is making them feel special.

  3. PWG said

    Jennifer Hudson’s eyes are kind of wonky in that last picture, but she’s very attractive and talented so bravo to you for your good taste.

    I think it’s kind of depressing that the vast majority of our cultural “gifts” will still be around in 200 years. I think sometimes it’s good to let history winnow away the “What What in the Butt: The Movie”s of our time.

  4. I know you didn’t mean love in the forehead rubbing sense. I didn’t mean it that way either. I wasn’t nitpicking. I use “love” freely. I “love” coffee, too. I “love” this blog. I “love” Thai food. I “love” my macbook pro. I’m not going to marry them (too bad I can’t, at least then people could stop asking me why I’m single), but I would never forsake any of them either. I still question how they can “love” him and turn around and do that. Though I suppose these women have a few character flaws, and aren’t quite on the same plane as me, so I don’t know why I’m expecting so much from them.

    Whatever I said yesterday was taken a little too seriously. I said I laughed, damn it! I “know” you better than to think you actually think highly of those women. I didn’t interpret it as you saying they were better than me or my fellow commenters. I was simply trying to make the point that it’s not always hilarious because these “hot” women often “win” despite their glaring character flaws, because too many men place looks before and above any and all other qualities. Again, not saying that YOU did this or that YOU would. And it wasn’t my intention to sound like I was throwing myself a pity party in the comments. I’d rather be me than those sluts any day. It was all meant to be generic. No one should ever take me too seriously. And people should stop saying nice things to me because I can’t handle it.

    I’ve read “fucking buck the fuck up” so many times in the last 24 hours that I’m misreading it as “fuck a buck up”. And there are more [terrible] ways to interpret that than “turkey badass rambo”. There are also far too many quotation marks in this comment. Enjoy your long weekend.

  5. PWG said

    I confess to asking question #3 about the straying Mrs. Kay Swidge just so I could shoehorn in some Casablanca dialogue. Possibly I should have left in the “letters of transport” stuff for clarity. For the youngest members of our audience, a shoe horn is a little gold horn kids tied on their shoelaces when they were rolling hoops down the street for entertainment in the 80’s. And if I have to explain what Casablanca is: it’s the Mexican version of the White House. President Calderon lives there now.

  6. PWG said

    Oh yes, there are Raiders fans. Broncos fans hate the Raiders. I attended a Broncos/Raiders game (in Denver, which is why I’m here to tell the tale) and it was 10 degrees outside. 10 fucking degrees Fahrenheit. And windy. I bought hot dogs for like $90 each from those ripoff stadium vendors just so I could stuff them inside my coat for warmth and live a few more minutes. There was ice all over the concrete in the stands, and the rows are very steep, so just getting to your seat without falling to your death was kind of an accomplishment. With all that to worry about the opposing team fans still managed to make me feel like I was standing in the middle of East L.A. with the Crips on one side of the street and the Bloods on the other. I had on my Steelers stuff, so actually I was safe as kittens.

  7. Freya said

    Your pickup line totally would work on me. Now get over here and rub foreheads with me.

  8. lapushbaby said

    My 10 year old daughter loathes Bieber. I asked her why and she said because he is a ‘butt’. She did not elaborate further, and I am happy to say that we have a Bieber free household. I didn’t know he was Canadian….I live in a state that shares a long border with Canada, it’s considered bad form to hate on them around here. But we still make fun of their money.

    Also, I love jelly bellies year round. My family calls it my ‘problem’.

    Have a great Friday, enjoy your sun already, we are in some kind of crazy windy deluge over here!!

    • campbelld said

      Canandian money is way cooler than US money. As a person from neither country, but visiting both, I am qualified to make this judgement. However, their funny voices are fair game.

  9. Pol said

    I heard there are these magical things known as Reeses chocolate peanut butter easter eggs….. sigh… I think American food is awesome.

  10. Lala said

    It’s really quiet again. Weird.
    I think it would work if you gave a stack of paper for the girl to read, just don’t mention you already gave one of those to somebody else.

  11. AmyAlmost said

    Justin Bieber gives me Hanson flashbacks and I just prefer to ignore its existence.

    The only good thing about cricket is that you could sit for hours watching it while getting completely faced. You might understand it then.

    You know I expected a better answer to my single question. I thought you were either too picky or enjoying your freedom. Instead you tell me you jokingly think you’re a loser…Do you love your mother and no one compares? I meet a lot of American guys like that. And the other one is they had their heart broken by their high school sweet heart.

    Sweet Disposition is pretty good. Think you might like the Love Lost video if you can find it on the internet.

    • “Do you love your mother and no one compares? I meet a lot of American guys like that.”

      You’ve met some weird Americans. That’s what you were expecting? I’m not going to lie, I loathe that question. I actually thought his response was decent. Were it me answering questions, I would’ve ignored it entirely or gone off on a rant (like I’m doing now).

      Do “taken” people seriously not see how obnoxious that question can be? Because it sounds a whole lot like “you seem pretty date-able, yet for some reason you’re not – so what the fuck is wrong with you?” And then we’re supposed to, what, soul search? I don’t know why Jordan’s single. I don’t now why I’m single. I don’t know why any of us here are single. We’re all good catches from what I can tell. We’re all smart, funny, warm, genuine people who someone would be lucky to get to know.

      Sorry, this sounds very ranty. Well, probably because it is very ranty. But my bosses ask me this regularly and I can’t exactly go off on them for it. I don’t have a good answer for why I’m single. Maybe you could ask the 3 guys that asked for my number over the last 2 1/2 weeks, but yet not one of which ever used it. They could probably tell you more than I could.

      Apparently my sense of humor is on break with Tiffanized’s somewhere. I bet they’re having fun together. When mine comes back, if I find out it did body shots off of Tiff’s… I’m going to be really fucking pissed and jealous.

      • AmyAlmost said

        I love this rant. Please rant to me whenever you feel like it. I often only communicate in rants.

        “you seem pretty date-able, yet for some reason you’re not – so what the fuck is wrong with you?” I’m not asking what is wrong – I’m married so I’m curious about what is ‘right’ with you!

        I actually ask the question without judgment, more curiosity. Sometimes people have reasons they are single and sometimes they don’t.

      • campbelld said

        This is becuase we are scared. Not just men, but humanity. We are scared of life, of being succesful, of having someone and only someone, of fucking existing and have someone else acknowledge that on a daily basis. Some of that is subconscious, some of that is not. I also work on the assumption that stiupid people dont have a subconscious. Which is comforting.

      • tiffanized said

        I could draw you a Venn diagram to explain my singleness, or I could just say that there are two groups of people: people I want to date, and people who want to date me. These groups almost never overlap.

        I can’t tell you how much I’d love to wake up a lesbian. Apart from the moral, social and legal persecution I’d have to endure, I have met some smart, caring, sexy lesbians that I could see waking up to every morning. Alas, as much as I’ve tried–and as many hot butch lesbians have tried to sway me–I still want a penis present when I’m naked with someone.

      • First and foremost, thank you for understanding I wasn’t trying to start a cat fight and that my rant was in good humor. This is why I love my fellow common taters – you all just get it.

        Re: my singleness… It’s not necessarily by choice. It is in the sense that I have the same issue as Tiff – the majority of people who have been interested in dating me, I haven’t been interested in dating. And I’m not even all that picky, so that’s saying a lot. But it’s not like I’m intentionally avoiding a relationship because I’m having too much fun hooking up with randoms every weekend. At the same time, I’m not actively seeking one out – I’m not signing up for online dating, I’m not out prowling the bars every night, I’m not going on blind dates. I’m very much of the opinion that it’ll happen when it happens. Until then I’m just doing my best to have fun. A lot of my friends are doing “grown up” things like getting married and buying houses and stuff. And honestly, I’m not at that point yet – I have no interest in acting like an adult. Is that bad? Maybe… Maybe at 25 I should want that. But I don’t. I want to drink, and travel, and go to shows, and be responsibly irresponsible. I’m just having too much fun having fun and I hope it continues, single or otherwise.

      • Crystal said

        At least there are some people that want to date you.

        I think I’m broken.

  12. SingleStrand said

    FRY DAY is right. All the Catholics of the world are heading to the Friday Fish Fry social for Lent. Mr. Strand and I almost crashed one last week for the fish but then realized we would have to act Catholic.
    In 200 years, our kids better not be analyzing Empire State of Mind. That would be awful.
    Justin Bieber is amazeballs. Listen to his song Baby but don’t look at his 14 yo face and you will start to like him.
    Elisha Cuthbert is on my DH’s Five Freebies list. He has loved her since The Girl Next Door.
    Fucking buck the fuck up and get some more comments on this shizz.

  13. tiffanized said

    I’m late because I just got back from a trip to the pediatric orthopedist that resulted in the purchase of a $400 boot that didn’t even have Jimmy Choo written on the inside of it. Was that ever a plague? Staggeringly expensive medical equipment for your lastborn?

    I wasn’t questioning whether something from today would be admired or remembered or studied; I was questioning whether the art we appreciate today (hence the descriptive word “popular”) would still be appreciated in 200 years. Was Euripides the Neil Simon of 438 BC? Did Vivaldi ever hit the Top 40? We tend to appreciate things differently today than they were appreciated in their time, and I wonder if some self-published book of poetry will be considered the height of the genre seven generations from now even though it is completely ignored today. I will have to remember to ask more complete questions.

    My God, why am I so fucking serious? Perhaps Passion Week has taken some subconscious toll on me. Maybe it’s because I’m reading Dark Side of the Moon and it’s depressing as hell. Wish me lots of wine and orgasms this weekend so I’ll have my sense of humor back by next Wednesday.

  14. cledbo said

    Man, I was sooooo hungover yesterday. Thus I missed serious Thursday.

    Cricket is hilarious. Amy is right, you have to be wasted for it to be really fun. Understanding isn’t important, and I personally find baseball more confusing and boring. Except for test cricket, which is about as interesting as watching paint dry.

    Easter Saturday rules. Hope you all have plenty of chocolate to last you the distance. Jennifer Hudson as a phenomenal rack, on top of seeming like a really fun and happy person. Props to her, and KSWIJ for bringing her cuteness to the table.

  15. Flo said

    I have a few stupid questions: do Kirsten Dunst, Olivia Wilde and Kate Hudson want it? sometimes, anytime at least? and did young Patricia Arquette want it? She doen’t look like she wants it now I think

  16. koluis said

    I like this content so much.Imagination is more important than knowledge.

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