Drunk Girls Are Bad At Insults and Aliens Playing The Saxophone

April 7, 2010

And I’m back.

Yay, whoo, great. Today officially ranks in the “suck” category of life. I woke up and had to go to work, for one. I hadn’t done that since Friday. I got out of my place earlier than usual thinking that I would get to work early as well. Instead, some fucks decided to get into an enormous car crash right where 1-9 starts. I’m guessing it was a car crash because there were cops, ambulances, fire trucks and they blocked off the road. It took a half hour to travel a mile around the crash area to get onto 1-9 farther up. Once on 1-9, I tried to make up the lost time by driving fast. Guess what? Cops are everywhere today setting up speed traps, driving around in unmarked cars et cetera. I get stopped by one. This is great for two reasons: I’m now even later for work and the whole paying an insane amount of money for speeding.

So, I’m back.

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What is there to talk about? I guess I’ll try to explain my last twitter comment and the story behind it. Let’s see how that goes. Shall we? Does that sound ok to everyone?

Friday night feels like 100 years ago. I was in the city for a friend’s birthday party. To get home from the party I took the subways down to the NJ Path train at the World Trade Center. It was about 2:30 in the morning. The trains were not packed at all. It was pretty quiet in the PATH train except for a young woman who began yelling “Call me a pussy to my face!” Oh wait! I forgot something. There was a saxophone player on the subway train. Ok, so let me back it up. Let’s just leave the “Call me a pussy to my face!” girl alone for a minute and travel even farther back in time to hang out with the crazy saxophone player.

On the 4 or 6, I can’t remember, train heading downtown at about 1 – 2 on that very early Saturday morning or very late Friday night, there was a saxophone player. He was a saxophone player like Jamie Foxx is a crazy homeless musician in that movie with Robert Downey Jr. that no one saw. Basically, a crazy homeless man stumbles onto the train with a saxophone. He is also wearing a pair of sunglasses in the shape of stars. Not really “important” to the story, but it did make him look that much crazier. Star shaped glasses never make the wearer appear mature or sane minded.   

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In the middle of a fairly crowded subway car, BBBAAAAANNNNHHHHH BLLLLEEEENNNHMMMMMPPPPP BBBAAAAAHHNNNHHDMMMPPPFFFF!! That’s what the saxophone sounded like. If I had to dub this genre of music it would be “crazy homeless subway saxophone jazz” – I think that is pretty to the point. I am not a complete novice to the “crazy homeless subway saxophone jazz”. I have been treated to its aggressively loud and abrasive tones before. But I have yet to develop an ear for it. Maybe I should take a course at the local community college in “crazy homeless subway saxophone jazz”. I really would love to understand its subtleties and its beautiful nuances. Also, the next time a “crazy homeless subway saxophone jazz” musician plays for me, I will be able to determine if I’m hearing a rendition of a “crazy homeless subway saxophone jazz” classic or if I’m hearing some original material.

So, as I was saying the party BBBBAAANNNNHHHHHH yeah, the party was at Dave’s house and BAAAFFFASAAAHHHAHNNNNMMMPPPPp DAVE! It was at DAVE’S HOUSE! I’m sorry I was yelling for that second. This saxo-BBBBLLLEEEMMPPPAP! I was just trying to say that DDDDFFFFFAAAAMMMMBNBBPP  I was trying to tell you that Dave’s house BBBBBAAAANNNDNDNNSSSFFFFF His house! AADDDDdDNNNADFDDDDBBBPP… forget it!

The crazy homeless saxophone player eventually gave up on making music. I’m not sure if it was that he had finished whatever musical diddy he thought he was playing or he didn’t perceive any of us as being properly trained musicians to understand the wonderfulness of his insanely loud noise making. He put down the saxophone and began to walk the subway car with a cup for people to put money into. While gesturing for money he began talking about religion. This is an amazingly ballsy decision. People are not too open to talking about religion even with people they know, let alone a crazy homeless saxophone player on a crowded subway who is asking you for money.

The homeless man started his discussion of religion with, “Today is Good Friday. Some people say that Jesus is God and I say that is bullshit.” What an amaz-fucking-ingly amazing way to start any discussion ever. Today is one of, if not the, holiest day in your religion and I’m going to call it bullshit and I will need a dollar or two if you could spare it. The homeless man went on to explain that he was more or less a deist. He believed quite heavily in God, but he did not think Jesus was the son of God, was God or anything. He found that to be preposterous.

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“You, Earthlings…” Yes, he indeed began referring to us as “Earthlings”. This was just an added spice to the diatribe about how God would never belittle himself to being a human. The very idea he called us “Earthlings” can only lead one to the conclusion that the crazy homeless saxophone artist was in fact a SPACE ALIEN! So, I get it now. He wasn’t playing jazz saxophone music from Earth and instead was playing jazz music from some distant alien planet. No wonder I didn’t find it appealing. This makes so much more sense now.

New hypothesis: If you do not enjoy a “crazy homeless subway saxophone jazz” musician it could be 1 of 2 reasons:

1. Your ears are not educated in the grand history of this musical art form. You are too ignorant to understand how great the music actually is.

2. The musician is an alien and your ears are not from the same planet/species as the musician’s are from. Thus, you and the musician perceive different tones as being musically appealing.

I did give the homeless man money. He certainly earned it. Chastising “Earthlings” for even considering being Christians in general and doing that on “Good Friday” deserved some type of payment.

Skipping forward in the past, which is actually back to the present of the beginning of this article about what happened days ago – I am on the PATH train at the World Trade Center and a girl is yelling “Call me a pussy to my face!” Needless to say, she was der-runk. DRUNK!

The girl was on the opposite side of the subway car, but was yelling loud enough that everyone could hear her perfectly. Standing directly in front of some guy she barked, “Call me a pussy to my face!” The guy’s initial reaction was to stand there silent and ignore. This did not stop the alcohol fueled femme fatale. She got louder, physical and more insulting. She would push him in the chest, “Call me a pussy to my face, you faggot!” Oh, ok. He has to be a faggot now? We sat at the station for a solid 5 minutes of her yelling at him with varying disparaging remarks from piece of shit to faggot to calling him a pussy. All she wanted seemingly was him to call her a pussy to her face and problem solved, right?

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After a couple minutes, everyone on the subway had removed any and all headphones and were all tuned into the situation about calling someone a pussy to their face. I feel like I can safely talk for everyone on the subway and believed that these two were a couple. They were a couple who were out with there other couple friends who were also on the subway. The girl got way too drunk. She may have had a fight with her boyfriend and now she was letting him have it in public.

“I don’t fucking know you! We just met tonight!” What? That was yelled by the guy about 3 minutes into being berated. This is not a couple. These people are relative strangers. Seemingly, this is almost a blind double date. Either way, this little blonde bull of a girl has soaked her insides in grain alcohol and is now yelling “Call me a pussy to my fucking face!” on a public subway train heading to the great state of New Jersey.

Using my analytically trained philosophical mind, I deduced that this shitfaced chick thinks that this guy called her a “pussy” behind her back and now she is confronting him about it in the most reasonable way and place she thought possible. My Jesuit college educated belief is that he did not call her a “pussy” behind her back. I simply don’t think he called her a “pussy”. Why? What guy calls a girl a pussy? In what fucking context would a guy call a girl a “pussy”? Did the guy get into a fight and she didn’t have his back? Were they playing blackjack and she was too scared to double down on 11? I just don’t see that happening.

I definitely could see that guy calling her a “bitch” or a “cunt”, but not a “pussy”. There are just some derogatory comments that do not cross gender barriers. I can’t imagine calling a girl a “pussy” even if she was acting like a “pussy”. If I call a guy a “pussy” it is if he is acting cowardly. Generally, “cowardly” about something that is reckless. But I couldn’t imagine calling a girl a “pussy”. Just as I can’t imagine calling a girl “a dick”. It just doesn’t seem to make sense to me. This is purely subjective reasoning. I personally can’t imagine using the word in that way, so I have a hard time imaging he would. Fear not, I did ask several guys (including Dawgz) if they would call a girl a “pussy” and they all said no. Then it is settled!

Anyway, the girl kept yelling at the guy. She began charging at him. Pushing him and even hitting him in the chest a couple times. Finally, her female friend, who was also plastered and laughing as we all were, got up and tried to subdue her friend. She didn’t do a good job. The girl kept getting away and taking shots on the guy. To the guy’s credit, he never struck her back. I don’t think men should ever hit women, but shit happens and a lot of guys lose their cool or are not as moral as I am. He never hit her and just kind of laughed off her drunkenness.

My favorite turn of events (outside of them not really knowing each other) is when the girl began yelling “Grow a vagina first and then call me a pussy!” This was particularly brilliant because I would have never thought to say that or thought it was a sufficient disparaging remark to make to someone. Grow a vagina? Is this really an insult? It is way more confusing than insulting in my opinion. How does one “grow” a vagina? Why would he want to grow a vagina? Even more so, why would he need to grow a vagina just so he could call her a pussy? Do girls call each other “pussies”? So many questions!?!

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I wish there was an ending to this story because there isn’t. I got off the train after two stops. They stayed on the train. And that was it. The girl was still drunk and calling the guy a faggot when I left. I can only safely assume that she is still drunk and still yelling at him “Call me a pussy to my face, you fag!” and he is somewhere actively growing a vagina so he can call her a pussy right to her face.

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46 Responses to “Drunk Girls Are Bad At Insults and Aliens Playing The Saxophone”

  1. Lala said

    That twitter makes more sense now. But then again if I had read everything, I may have noticed you had heard somebody yell that and you weren’t randomly telling people to grow vaginas.
    I really was sad when you didn’t post.

  2. Susanelle said

    So I’m disappointed to hear that being a witty person doesn’t get you out of a speeding ticket. Did you try to joke with the cop at all????

    Second, I am really alarmed at how white you are, Jordan. If that is your own skin color, you put all fictional vampires to shame. Seriously. Please go and have a steak at every meal for a few weeks. No more turkey and Pillsbury dough for you, k?

    • kristenstewartwantsit said

      I am the whitest. I never said differently.

      Does eating steak make your skin darker? I do eat steak fairly regularly.

      • Susanelle said

        well, it will make you less neon. Eat a lot of salt, too, or anything that will give you high blood pressure.

    • PWG said

      He’s actually marginally darker than the white font. It’s just the fake bake chicks next to him making him look overly pale. I will not give up my Palest Person in America title so easily. Thank God my husband is Italian so our children can walk amongst you during the day.

    • Since it appears that today is the day to make hilarious observations about stuff you’ve told us 100 times over that really shouldn’t alarm us but does anyway… you’re so gosh darn tall! I bet those girls were wearing fuck me stiletto’s too…

      I want so badly to see you and PWG standing next to each other.

      • PWG said

        I offered just yesterday to visit our Parsippany office, but got turned down. Apparently “so Jordan can buy me a beer and I can scissor HB” wasn’t considered enough of a business justification. Cheap bastards.

      • cledbo said

        I think you need to wait for an upswing in the economy before companies will sponsor threesome trips for you, PWG.

        Damn you GFC!

      • Who said anything about a threesome? If PWG makes it out to good ol’ Parsippany (which, and I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned this before but, IS EXACTLY WHERE MY OFFICE IS), we’re not leaving the bar. Jordan’s welcome to come find us, but we will excuse ourselves to scissor in the bathroom like the proper ladies that we are.

  3. PWG said

    Yeah, I see your MuscleMag chicks and raise you Thunder From Down Under.

    I win. I soooo fucking win. Don’t they all just look so damn happy to be standing there with me?

    • Susanelle said

      Peege is that you in the photo? You’re darn cute, and you have a nice pinkish cast to you which means you are not the whitest person ever born. Jordan is.

      • PWG said

        Yep, that’s me. Normally I’m whiter, but it was *cough* kind of hot in there. Also, I’m adopting you and keeping you in my pocket.

    • tiffanized said

      I hope they were aware that it was a shining moment in their young, hot, writhing lives to be standing there with our PWG.

    • CampbellD said

      I am not going to click that link becuase i have a fair idea of what that is and I am in a a crowded computer lab.
      Some people still think I am straight.

      • PWG said

        Well for fuck’s sake go look at it later. I think as many people as possible on this planet should see me standing next to good looking half dressed Australians. And since you managed to fly to the States but couldn’t get your lazy ass to Colorado to stand next to me yourself I had to improvise with these strippers in Vegas. I’ve clicked the link myself about 90 times today.

      • cledbo said

        Now I have to make it my life’s mission to make it to Colorado (or get your ass over here, where it’s usually not *freezing*) so I can stand next to you being a half-dressed Australian too. Not necessarily as good looking as the Thunder, but I’ll fake-tan if you want me to 😉

      • PWG said

        Let’s see . . . consults Google Maps . . . consults Orbitz . . . okay, Cabo San Lucas in July. It’s practically halfway between us, and it’s your Winter. Be there.

      • campbelld said

        Hey I know those guys. We used to go clubbing together.

  4. “Crazy homeless subway saxophone jazz” sounds almost as bad as the “crazy French homeless Metro accordion polka” I witnessed while in Paris many years ago. Except during that dude’s intermission, instead of insulting people’s religion, he took a break to do acrobatic moves in the subway car. I kind of like your story better.

    I’ve never seen a girl call another girl a “pussy”. Or a “dick”. Girl’s are evil. Names like “pussy” and “dick” are child’s play. Most girls pinpoint your insecurities and unleash a full on customized assault based on that observation. And if that’s not good enough, then they’ll go after your loved ones and eventually just claw your eyes out. We girls are awesome.

    Sorry you had such a rough welcome back after your long weekend… I voted for option 3 if that makes you feel any better. Which I’m sure it toootally does.

  5. tiffanized said

    That answers my question about whether it was a magic vagina. Any vagina grown by a man would have to be magic.

    My friends and I regularly call each other pussies. Usually it occurs after the eighth round of Asshole. I hate that game, because I am always the Asshole. Interestingly, the Asshole is often called a pussy, particularly if she doesn’t want to chug the President’s Miller Lite. Obviously, one should not judge women as a group based upon my friends. “Bitch” is a term of endearment.

    I think I encountered crazy homeless saxophone alien when I was in New York, only he was playing an oven rack at the time. The train was so crowded and he was taking up all this space with his oven racks, glaring at my children for daring to encroach on the nine square feet he’d carved into the crowd of passengers. He strummed an oven rack like it was a guitar while he sort of rapped about how we were all going to hell. I’m pleased to hear he’s acquired an actual instrument.

  6. CampbellD said

    I never heard a girl calla nother girl a pussy. I have heard almost other insult hurled between girls, from ‘Slapper’ to ‘Marlin’. (as a side note, the Marlin inslut devolped becuase someone trying to say ‘slapper’ which was a half serious high school insult accidently said ‘snapper’ as in the common fish. So we called people by fish names, thereby mocking someone for screwing up an insult and creating new ones.) My personal favourite is ‘scrag’. Mainly becuase it conjurs up this wonderful image a of a 16yr old white trash girl in low riders, a tank top and with a muffin top, chain smoking in an abortion clinic where she’s in her favourite seat. I went to a fun highschool.

    A guy got on my train once with a snare drum. I dont mean he was transporting it. I mean he was a homeless guy and he had found one. And he was just quietly tapping on it, like he didn’t want to disturb anyone, but it’s slightly difficult to be discreet with a snare drum around your waist.

  7. PWG said

    I don’t think I’ve ever called a woman a pussy or a cunt. It’s kind of difficult to see that body part as insulting when you’re in possession of one. I confess to calling people dicks, but I think that goes back to watching Jeff Spicoli at an impressionable age. Cock sounds more insulting than dick to me. Dickishness in my mind implies temporary bad behavior. If you’re a cock, you’re a cock for life.

    Being designated a cock is similar to canonization. You have to perform three verifiable acts of assholery in front of reliable witnesses. You may choose your own Devil’s Advocate to dispute your cock nomination, but my ruling is final and indisputable. Also, I don’t wait until you’re dead.

    Tiger Woods is a dick. Rick Santorum is a cock.

    • Susanelle said

      Jesse James is a prick.

    • Cock is definitely worse than dick. But in my world, prick really isn’t all that terrible. I need someone to rank cock, prick, and dick for me.

      Are there stars missing in there? I’m so sleep deprived I don’t even know if I’m making sense.

      I think the worst I’ve ever been called was a “pig-slamming cum dumpster”. I wish I’d had this Funny Mean Name Generator at the time with which to retaliate. I’m not good at being mean.

      • MLF said

        my ex once called me a fat pig fucker on accident. he was drunk and was trying to call me some other mean and derogatory names but that’s what came out. it was hilarious. I literally was about to slap the shit out of him until he said that. I fell down laughing. I was like, so wait just so we’re clear am I fucking fat pigs or am I fat and fucking average sized pigs? golden. He still calls me that sometimes. I think I win worst/weirdest nickname hands down with that one.

      • Susanelle said

        Ah… see, in my world, a prick is the worst. A prick is a mean motherfucker. Intentionally fucks people over.

        A dick is just a stupidhead.

        A cock is… just a penis because, um, we don’t call people “cocks” around here!!

        I’ll have to try it. “You cock!”

        No, it just feels like I’m afraid to say “cocksucker.” It feels like saying “darn” instead of “fuck.”

      • PWG said

        “Greasy-smeared sockbreeder” is the name I got from HB’s Funny Mean Name Generator. That does sound insulting.

      • tiffanized said

        I think I have only intentionally called someone a name to their face once. I was in second grade, and I called a girl “lion butt”. I don’t even know what that means. I was traumatized for years after, though. Yes, I traumatized myself by being mean to someone else. I’m such a pussy.

      • PWG said

        All right, now I can’t stay away from that site. I just got “camel-assed muffwedge.”

      • tiffanized said

        I got pickle-assed titfuck, hirsute-tainted bootyfucker, drunken-legged bonerhippie, all of which I agree with.

        Then there was whiskey-bearded beaverwad which made me think of Tolstoy, gherkin-fried hamburgerfarmer which made me hungry, and gummy-headed tacowipe which was just plain funny, I don’t care who you are.

      • I spent a good 15 minutes on it when I first found it. And another 5 just now. It’s gold. I mean… gravy-limbed dildowagger? pus-encrusted jizzdwarf?! I actually feel like “lion butt” could come up any second now.

      • AmyAlmost said

        I love fat pig fucker. Gold.

      • Pol said

        shew, some of those names are so ‘visual’, great site though, lol!

        ‘Cock’ isn’t such a bad name here either…

        Also in SA we usually use the ‘poes’ instead of ‘pussy’… and it’s usually preceded by ‘You mother’s…’ though pronounced ‘Yo ma se poes’ which is deemed quite and insult whether you’re a guy or a girl…you usually hear random people of mixed race with no front teeth uttering this:

        http://www.zapiro.com/scripts/Zapiro/hfclient.isa

    • PWG said

      To clarify, I don’t have anything against cocks. I mean not right this very second. Ahem.

  8. MLF said

    I call girls cunts all the time, but I’ve never called another girl a pussy. I guess it depends on the context- for example pussy and cunt could both mean vagina, or cunt could be synonymous with bitch whereas pussy could mean wimp. And I don’t generally call a girl a wimp, women are supposed to be wimpy, compared to men anyways *cue feminists virtually throwing rotten fruit at me*

    • SallyJFox said

      A guy at my house last night was describing a group of managers who were no longer good at making any decisions or firing people, and he said they were all growing vaginas. It was a quiet party after that while we watched his feminist wife stare him down while he “explained” himself. But good fun.

      And why is it that when I read KSWI, in my mind it’s KSWI, as read by Seth Rogen? That’s rhetorical, I guess, since I have no reason to believe that you know why you sound like Seth Rogen in my head.

      Glad you’re back. Missed your inimitable voice. Or Seth Rogen’s.

  9. tiffanized said

    I am shocked–shocked, I tell you!–that HB hasn’t mentioned the episode of Arrested Development where Rita (Charlize Theron) calls Michael (Jason Bateman) a pussy.

  10. Amy D said

    Gummy-sacked pantyfuck. My day is now complete, thank you PGW.

    It would please my payroll dept to know that for the rest of the day I will be participating in this wondrous tool. I love it.

  11. AmyAlmost said

    I sailor talked a lot when I was a kid. I think I still sailor talk a lot now that I’m a grown up with a kid. So I think I may have called girls pussies but I most likely just called them a vagina, I have cats so I’ve never really used ‘pussy’ to insult. I really wish my husband would ungrow his vagina and man up from time to time.

    I really missed your blog and the taters response to your blog. I had total IT failure yesterday, they were routing me through New Zealand. Stupid world wide corporations with IT based in Hong Kong and outsourced local support who can’t explain why stuff happened. ‘Sometimes networks do that’. I didn’t even have time or google to calculate what day it was in New Jersey to know if you posted or not. Then I went out last night because a friend is back from London for a bit. Don’t you hate your friends who live in London? They always talk about catching ‘the tube’, phoning police about almost rapes that happen outside their apartments, weekends in Paris and spending next Christmas in Portugal. Assholes. I went off topic. But my point was I’m glad to read this post this morning and the awesome comments while feeling seedy and jealous of friends that live in London.

  12. cledbo said

    I know you’ve argued against this before, but you are a total ranga. Or ginger ninja, if you prefer. At least in some lighting situations. You need to find another bloodnut and breed with her, as apparently red hair is dying out. Along with the g-string, at least according to Cosmo.

    I missed you!! I was soooo depressed yesterday, I think it had more to do with a lack of new KSWI goodness, and not that my bank card stopped working and will take nearly a week to get it replaced, so I have to use my almosted-maxed out credit card for everything. I feel much happier now ^_^

    I hope all you people who live in huge cities with crazy people on the public transport system appreciate your free or almost-free street theatre. Nothing exciting ever happens on the buses I catch. I saw a guy stab another guy with a screwdriver two platforms over when I was in school, that was disturbing rather than entertaining though.

  13. amanda said

    the runaways was delicious. it was also raunchy. at one point, there is a girl masturbating in the shower. and kristen is in that scene, (not the one masturbating) but my god, she wants it. she wants it soooo bad. she wants it more than the girl having a full blown orgasm.
    i just saw where the wild things are. it too was delicious. not what i was expecting, but i still liked it a lot. karen o did the music for that movie, her first theatrical composition. it was unlike any score, if thats what youd call it, that ive ever heard before, and i liked it.
    kudos to karen o and spike jonze.

  14. Pol said

    LOL! That sounds like an awesome train ride!

    I’ve called other girls pussies in fact my sister calls me a pussy quite often when we’re drunk…daring me to do stuff… this is how we end up swimming naked in the effing sea in the middle of winter, after we’ve soaked ourselves up to our eyeballs in beer. We made up for not having a brother I guess.

    I’ve been called a pussy by a boy, once, though I have to admit I was more puzzled than offended by it. Laughing at him got rid of him…

  15. Flo said

    This article was brilliant. I can’t believe that somebody would call anyone an earthling, And “grow a vagina and then call me a pussy” is pretty memorable too. Maybe you have some kind of talent for atracting weird situations in trains.
    I have a thing with people talking to me in the street. People I don’t know appears in any public space I happen to be and just talks about their lifes at me. I don’t really do much to encourage them. I suppose I have a huge ear instead of a face. Once it was and old lady with a thick spanish accent who told me her father was the ambassador of blah blah blah and that she had lived in India, in China, in Germany, that she considers going to see a concert is stupid, that she can read in 4 launguages, all this in the waiting room of a hospital, with me answering “huh. oh. yeah.” while staring at the floor.
    Other time it was a woman who wanted to borrow my lighter and ended up telling me that she was going to visit her husband who was in jail, that she visited every week, that she had to take three buses to get there…
    That one was touching actually. Oh, Oh, Oh! this one is the best: there was a time I was sitting in the subway, inside the train, reading, and an old man stands in front of me and says “You shouldn’t read with this light dear. It’ll hurt your eyes. I’m the oldest graphologist in Buenos Aires City (whohwajsghjk! how old is that? I’ve never seen anybody introducing himself as the oldest anything anywhere… except this time, of course.)and I’ve never had to use glasses”.
    I had to put out my book. Obviously. How can you ignore advice from the oldest graphologist in the city?

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