“The Runaways” and “Clash of the Titans”

April 8, 2010

The Runaways vs. Clash of the Titans

Clash of the Runaways

The Runaway Titans

The Ruclawashys of the TITANAWAYS!

Besides rubbing elbows, and some other body parts AM I RIGHT!?!, with crazy homeless alien jazz musicians and drunk chicks with potty mouths this weekend – I viewed two films with both my EYES and EARS! Las peliculas son The Runaways y Clash of the Titans!!!!! AAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! AND THEY WERE MAGNIFICENT!!!!!!! AAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! MY BRAIN IS ON FIRE!!!!!!!! THE COMPETITION!!! THE EMOTION!!! THE SWORD FIGHTS!!! THE MYTHICAL BEASTS!!! THE YOUNG GIRLS WITHOUT MUCH CLOTHES!!!! AHHH!!!!!

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My inner-monologue right now is going crazy. This potent cocktail mix is one part large iced coffee that I chugged, one part annoying conversation from co-morkers, and one part “AGGRESSIVE THURSDAY”! AAAAHHHHHH!!!!! SHUT UP CO-MORKERS!!!! SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! I’m using my hands to create a golden spire of comedy out of this malleable blank word document page!!! SHUT!!! UP!!!

To be transparent for a moment — it is 9:53 am. I will not be able to write until this FUCKING CONVERSATION ENDS!!!! It is 9:56 am and I’m back. I feel like I can’t breathe when someone is having a conversation that I can’t stand. Probably because if I allowed myself to breathe I would yell, “THIS IS THE MOST BORING CONVERSATION EVER! ISN’T THERE A BORING CONFERENCE ROOM YOU COULD HAVE YOUR COMPLETELY UNNECESSARY BORING CONVERSATION IN!?!”

I did see The Runaways and Clash of the Titans. They were not magnificent. That was a little hyperbolic. They were both entertaining and I’m glad I saw them. Today, I will set your intrigue level even higher by drawing the vivid parallels between both films. But if you are looking for the short answer on whether you should see these movies or not given the opportunity: yes, you should see them.

Little bit longer answer: if you do want to see these two movies already then you should see them. If you have wild expectations for these movies like they will redefine what you know as truth, morality and justice then don’t see these movies. Never see those movies. Your expectations for a movie need to be comparable to what the actual movie is. Don’t expect Clash of the Titans to give you a good Forrest Gump-everything-in-the-world-is-beautiful-even-when-it-is-simplisitc-and-sad-and-we-all-should-love-each-other-with-the-small-amount-of-time-we-have cry, because that will not happen. You should see Clash of the Titans if you want to see a giant sea monster. That’s about it. If you are not into seeing a giant sea monster then DON’T FUCKING SEE THE FUCKING MOVIE!!! So, if you have a sane set of expectations for these two movies and you still want to see them then go see them.

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A lot longer answer: Kristen Stewart kisses Dakota Fanning!!!!! AAAAAHHHHH!!!! Kristen also kisses some other chick just for the hell of it. Seriously, that does happen. Both movies are quite entertaining and both have some “remarkable” “similarities”. I’m not saying that the Kristen Stewart and Dakota Fanning all girl rock and roll 80’s movie is the exact same movie as Sam Worthington’s war against the Greek Gods movie. But what I’m presupposing is – what if they are?

Exhibit A: Bad News Bears

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The Runaways and Clash of the Titans are focused around the journey of two groups of misfits taking on an insurmountable opposition. In The Runaways, our merry band of hot teen chick actors play a merry band of hot teen chick musicians – pretty good, right? Their mission is to form the first ever successful all girl rock and roll band. There is Dakota Fanning as the platinum blonde bombshell lead singer. Kristen Stewart is the oil black guitarist with mystique and throaty vocals. Stella Maeve is the sun kissed beach bodied drummer. Scout Taylor-Compton is the slick soloing guitarist who has boobs. And Alia Shawkat is the bassist who also has boobs.

The breakdown of the movie is pretty much Dakota, Kristen, Michael Shannon as the band manager (I’ll talk about him later). The actor with the fourth most screen time is probably Riley Keough who plays Dakota’s older sister- she is excellent looking as well. The rest of The Runaways have little to do besides look like attractive young ladies who play instruments. Stella Maeve has a few lines early on, but disappears as the movie continues. Scout Taylor-Compton has a couple lines, which feel like they are only in there so the other characters can respond, “Shut up, Lita Ford” just so they can remind people Lita Ford was also in The Runaways. And lastly, Alia Shawkat from Arrested Development fame is funnily enough playing a fictional character named “Robin” since the real bassist, Jackie Fox, I guess wouldn’t sign off on this movie. I honestly don’t remember hearing Alia say anything in the movie. So Stella, Scout and Alia are background eye candy for the most part.

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Clash of the Titans also features a merry band of merry bandsmen who appear to be polar opposites on the surface, but really they all are big softies who kiss and hug and read each other bedtime stories. FAGS! Just joking. Sam Worthington is the EM-EFF-ING M-A-N in blockbuster action movies right now. You may recall Sam was in Terminator: Salvation, Avatar and, now, Clash of the Titans. I enjoyed all three of these movies. I think Terminator is my favorite of the three. I know a lot of people did not like that movie, but a lot of people are fucking stupid and those two categories overlap nicely. I think Clash of the Titans has more replay value than Avatar since a lot of Avatar is based around “surprise” and “revelation”. It is supposed to be mystifying the first time you see “Pandora” or the “Na’vi” et cetera and this becomes less mystifying with additional viewings or I’m guessing it will – I really don’t care if I ever see Avatar again and I enjoyed it.

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Sam plays balls confidence and furiously angry Perseus. Sam is the front man of this group of vengeful marauders and Dakota is the front woman for The Runaways. So, Sam is Dakota. And Dakota was in a movie called I Am Sam. AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! THE UNIVERSE IS IMPLODING!!!!! Sam’s second in command is his no nonsense and conservative voice of reason Mads Mikkelsen aka Draco. Mads is fine as the straight talk express right hand man, but for the ladies they kind of lose out. Mads is a handsome man (voted best looking Dane, I believe) and in this movie he looks like he attends every Phish concert ever. Anyway, Sam and Mads are accompanied by several other men in leather skirts, sweaty muscles and sharp edged weapons. Very similar to The Runaways, most of these guys do not have many lines. They are pretty much just standing around or randomly swinging a sword as eye candy. Especially this sexy ass motherfucker:

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Exhibit B: Grumpy Old Men

Besides scantily clad females — OH MY FUCKING GOD! THESE CO-MORKERS ARE TALKING AGAIN!!!! AHHHHH!!!!!!! WHY CAN’T THEY JUST NOT TALK!?! — They stopped. Where was I? Oh right, “scantily clad females”. This movie is more or less Dakota Fanning’s sexual coming out party. She parades around in almost nothing for a lot of the movie. She also engages in sex and so forth. She does a great job with all of it considering this Cherie Currie character is completely different than anything else she has played. Nevertheless, the one actor who steals all scenes he is in is Michael Shannon as band manager Kim Fowley.

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Michael Shannon really kills it in pretty much every scene he is in. This “exhibit” title is a little deceiving because Michael is only 36 years old, but in comparison to his jailbait co-stars he is ancient. Shannon plays Fowley as a  angry, sexual, near violent, manipulative and at the same time oddly intellectually nurturing band manager. There are several reoccurring band practice scenes where Shannon as Fowley gets a chance to really show off with an over-the-top, but in your face performance each time. Ostensibly, he is a very opinionated, aggressive and colorful man who is 20 years older than these recently lost their innocence teen girls who want to play in a band together. He is barking at them to be sexier, to be tougher, to think with their cocks. They are definitely crowd pleasing scenes. And at the same time, Shannon is the constant throughout the movie. He has seen the lure of rock and roll life before where as Kristen, Dakota and the rest of the girls have not. He is the constant ushering us through.

The “grumpy old men” who do the same for Clash of the Titans are Liam Neeson and Ralph Fiennes. At 57 and 47 respectively, neither is “50 over 60 list” old, but slap on an unnecessarily long beard and wig and they certainly look the part. Liam Neeson plays Zeus and Ralph Fiennes plays Hades. Fowley in The Runaways is part older good guy and part older bad guy, Zeus and Hades are that together. It seems like nowadays if Fiennes is in a movie then he is the archetypal epitome of evil incarnate and that doesn’t change much in this movie. Hades is the bad guy. He is the mastermind of the whole ordeal. If you think this is a spoiler than you’re an idiot – LOOK AT THE GUY!

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All in black, his voice is decrepit, he has a hunchback and he shoots fire! These are generally all bad guy territory. Lord of the Underworld? That usually does not appear on the resume of your “hero”. Zeus, on the other hand, is a little more complex. He is good, but is swayed to do bad things. Hey, nobody is perfect – even the most powerful God in the world. Both Fiennes and Neeson give very dramatic and almost Broadway stage style performances. They’re pretty cheesy and magnanimous, but how else would you expect “Gods” to act. “Hey there Zeus, it’s Apollo. I just wanted to see if you wanted to watch last night’s Gossip Girl? I DVRed it. It’s kind of a guilty pleasure of mine. So give me a ring back on my cell phone when you get this. Or you can text me. I, the Sun God Apollo, love texting. Latez!”

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Zeus doesn’t know how to text! He only knows how to make proclamations! And, shoot lightning bolts and be a God and stuff.

Finally…

Exhibit C: Godzilla ; Jaws ; King Kong ; Snakes on a Plane

Let’s stop bullshitting around for a minute. Everyone is seeing each of these movies respectively for one thing:

UNLIMITED POWER!!!!

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For Clash of the Titans it is the KRAKEN!!

For The Runways it is the WANT!!

People go see monster movies for the fucking monster. You watch Jaws to see the damn shark. You watch Godzilla to see GODZILLA! You watch Snakes on a Plane because it the greatest waste of time EVER! I like Jack Black a lot. I like Naomi Watts a lot. There are times when I like Adrian Brody. But I saw that movie because motherfucking KING KONG was in it. King Kong, bitches! And that is the same logic for these two movies.

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The Kraken is an unstoppable hellish creation of size, weight, teeth, tentacles, and destruction whose power is so great it scares the Gods shitless.

The Want is an unstoppable, unflinching, unblinking, never ending, boner creating, orgasm delivering, sex flush painting, heavy breathed fuck whisper deep in your … ear drum that owns all of your souls and you love it.

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So if you get tired of the early summer heat this weekend then go see these movies.

And the Want would fuck the Kraken rotten – if you were wondering.

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28 Responses to ““The Runaways” and “Clash of the Titans””

  1. Susanelle said

    Question for Friday: “How can I, Jordan Newmark, tone down the dazzling whiteness of my skin?”

  2. Sam Worthington is a hot piece. So much so that I even thought his blue person in Avatar was attractive. WHAT? I DON’T CARE IF THAT’S WEIRD.

    I want to see Clash of the Titans. It looks fun. I like cheesy blockbuster movies. Did you see it in 3D? I can’t decide if all these movies are worth the extra $5 just to see them in 3D… I think Avatar was. But I just saw Alice in Wonderland last weekend in boring ol’ 2D and it was fine. I feel like 3D is a gimmick. They also shun you if you don’t see it in 3D by cramming you into the shitty back corner theaters. Jerks.

    Anyway, I have no desire to see The Runaways. I honestly don’t think I’ve ever cared less about a movie before. Well, a movie that I’m expected to give a crap about because I’ll watch her in that vampire drivel. I’m sure her Want was shiny and impressive.

    Ok, back to drooling over Sam now…

  3. raven said

    Lovely post, as ever. My husband and I have a running joke that the Kracken with it’s mouth open kinda looks like a vagina. Obviously, not the kind you would want to tussle with in a dark alley. Or anywhere really, if you enjoyed having a penis. Every time he says “Release the Kracken!” I giggle a little. No, I don’t have a point to this, I just thought I’d share.

    Question(s) for Friday: Since it is warm where you live, are you a flip flops or sandals kind of guy? If sandals, do you wear socks with them? Speaking of socks, do you fold them, pull them all the way up or scrunch them down artfully?

    • cledbo said

      Where the hell is Tiff?

      Her beaver-sense should have been tingling (they have creams for that*), alerting her to masses of vagina dentata jokes!

      Don’t worry girl, I’ve got you covered (in chocolate sauce and whipped cream, am I right?*#)

  4. Pol said

    1) Why does Dakota fanning look disproportionately large next to K-Stew…it’s a bit freaky.
    2) What you you have as your last meal? Restrictions are: you can’t say nothing and it is resticted to a three course meal (i.e. no buffets)….I don’t really care why you would be having this particular last meal but feel free to elaborate if the wit grabs you…

  5. Lala said

    The last picture looks strange. Dakota Fanning looks way too big next to Kristen.

    • Pol said

      yeah and K-Stew as Joan Jett seems to not zip-up her pants quite often…check pictures in todays and yesterdays posts….. I have not seen the movie so maybe I’m missing something?

  6. Speaking of stupid conversations with coworkers… my cubicle neighbor just stopped by and tried to start a conversation with me by saying “so… my dog has this problem lately where her butt smells really bad.” Then she continued explaining why for 10 minutes. So that was cool.

    Can someone get me a fucking beer already?

    • Amy D said

      A few weeks ago my cat exploded out of both ends. On the throw rug. Just thought I’d share that since it seems that is the theme for today when talking to you. You’re welcome.

  7. AmyAlmost said

    The original Clash of the Titans is one of my favourite ‘if it’s on TV I get hooked watching it’ movies. I have seen that movie so many times and I love it. The remake sort of bummed me out because I don’t think it needed to be remade. It was like when I heard they were ‘redoing’ Tron but since seeing the trailer I realised I was wrong about that one.

    I am not a Sam Worthington fan. But I don’t like Russle Crowe either. Or Hugh Jackman. What Australian actor do I like?… Noah Taylor but I guess is he considered British? I liked him in Australian films does that count?

    I’m excited about the Runaways but that’s a DVD rental for me. Or maybe I’ll wait for it to be on cable. Or maybe my friend will get a free ticket for it which is how I get to see most films. I turned down the free one for Clash of the Titans. The Kraken annoyed me, I think it was poorly created.

  8. AmyAlmost said

    Friday question. What’s your favourite cheese? Do you even like cheese?

  9. cledbo said

    The WANT. It does own my soul, and I do love it. How did you know? Oh, right.

    I want to see both these movies, but I have the distinct impression that The Runaways won’t be down here for a long time if ever in theatres. Clash of the Titans has already started, because Sam “I was a brickie and still kinda look like one but am also ridiculously hot and have a really cute girlfriend much to Cledbo’s chagrin” Worthington is bordering on becoming a national treasure down here.
    At least in my MIND.

    It is pissing down with rain here.
    My question is, what do you do when it is raining (and you’re not morking at your yob, obviously)?
    All I can think of is to go play D&D, but that is because I am an ultra-nerd. I also volunteered to work this weekend, so I’m a nerd with no life *sigh*

  10. tiffanized said

    Questions:

    1. Inspired by Cledbo’s mention of Prince Harry: in your opinion, who is/was the sexiest royal, living or dead? Doesn’t have to be British.

    2. If you could change your name, what would you change it to? I’ve always felt I should’ve been Phoebe Masterson.

    3. Why do Americans eat the animals we eat and nothing else? Why can’t we buy a package of ground dog at the grocery store? Or a rotisserie cooked guinea pig at the deli? Of course I don’t want to eat any of these things, it’s just fascinating that we were socialized to eat certain animals and not others. I try not to eat any animals, except for pigs, because they are just asking for it, being made of delicious bacon as they are.

    4. Sometimes I turn down sex because I haven’t shaved my legs. Can you take a quick survey of your male friends and colleagues to find out whether they would prefer to wait a day for smooth sex or have immediate stubbly sex?

    • MLF said

      see I would be far less worried about having stubbly legs than having stubbly lady parts. But still- excellent question. I am actually really wondering about this now.

      • cledbo said

        This has made me realise just how lazy pseudo-married life has caused me to become.

        I no longer care a jot about my appearance or level of hirsuite-ness when Mr Cledbo does the whole “Honey, are you awake?” thing once or twice a week.

        Anyone who thinks this leads to actual sex once or twice a week has never been in a relationship for 5+ years.

  11. PWG said

    It probably says something about me that I prefer Liam Neeson looking vaguely like a holographic Princess Leia over Sam Worthington looking like a cut-rate Gerard Butler. Oh look, here’s Jordan to whisper in my ear, “It means you’re old.”

    All I think when I look at Sam’s picture up there is how weird it is that the demi-gods had Oster clippers.

  12. PWG said

    Your exasperation with your co-morkers’ conversation made me laugh. Did you ever take one of those job aptitude tests when you were in high school? We took some quiz that was supposed to nudge us toward a field of study that matched our interests or strengths. Then they brought in about 30 people in different lines of work, and you got to pick three to go listen to for half an hour so you could hear what their job was really like.

    I picked an old cowboy dude who wrote Westerns. I don’t even remember the other two because that guy was so entertaining. He also wrote some historical romance novels, but he was pretty clear that those were strictly for the money. He was bothered by female authors who tried to write Westerns and included lines like, “Their pistols flashed in the sunlight like knitting needles.”

    For the record my aptitude test came up with “psychologist” for me. I wonder why they didn’t think I could be a psychiatrist and write prescriptions. I also wonder why my strong misanthropic streak didn’t peg me for “lighthouse keeper.”

  13. newtonandyorkiehavethebestlinesEVER said

    FUCK! hope i’m not too late: you like metallica. what about megadeth? what do you think of dave mustaine????

    • kristenstewartwantsit said

      Not really a fan of Megadeath or Dave Mustaine. I know a lot of people think that should be a no brainer from one to the other, but I never got into Megadeath. I wasn’t really a fan of his music and I never cared for Mustaine in interviews. Then in that Metallica documentary “Some Kind of Monster” Mustaine weeps and crys and it just looked bad. Musically, I thought Megadeath was too much about Dave Mustaine – it always sounded like Dave Mustaine’s solo project than a band to me.

      I love Metallica though. I love Kill ‘Em All, Ride the Lightning, Master of Puppets, And Justice for All. Those are fucking great metal albums. I love the Black Album too. I would say that is more Hard Rock or Commercial Metal or something because it isn’t really Heavy Metal like the first four albums are. I’m not a fan of Load/Re-Load, but there are some good hard rock or jock rock or whatever songs on them. I think Garage Inc has some great covers on there, but some of them are throwaways as well. I think the live S&M album was great and was a long time coming and should have been done back in the 90s instead of the Load/Re-Load thing. I think St. Anger is awful. I think Death Magnetic is also awful. Lars and James come across as tools in most interviews. Kirk comes across as nerdy. But I definitely love LOVE the music they made in the 80’s way too much to ever worry about what stupid garbage they have done since then.

  14. aneira said

    like i said the guy who plays kim fowley, the 7th picture down, had an unfucking real preformance.

  15. Flo said

    I can’t get over the fact that Dakota is no longer a little kid. I see there with Kristen Stewart in font of her, radiating want, and the line Kristen Stewart kisses Dakota Fanning!!!! makes my head implode. It really shouldn’t. Kissing KS is not the most perturbing thing Dakota has done in a movie. But I see her as the little girl in I am Sam even today. I can’t cope with this. It’s the End of an Era!!

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