This Week In Kristen Stewart Wants IT #HAPPY BIRTHDAY

April 9, 2010




It is Friday and we all know what that means – herpes. Actually, it means I will be answering your questions. But before I get to your questions let me read this passage from L. Ron Hubbard’s masterpiece Dianetics. Actually, let me answer some of these motherfucking questions, aaaiiiggghhhttt….tttt!

1. Inspired by Cledbo’s mention of Prince Harry: in your opinion, who is/was the sexiest royal, living or dead? Doesn’t have to be British.


Queen Rania of Jordan. I really don’t think I need to explain why I am picking Queen Rania of Jordan because she is a sex kitten classically beautiful lady. Ummm… I have started writing a couple explanations why I picked her, but they seem pretty stupid. Look at her! She’s fucking hot. She’s also a pretty great person too. Queen Rania was the first face that popped into my mind when I read this question and I did no research to dissuade myself. I know there are other sexy royals living or dead and they would be respectable choices as well, but who needs to look them up? If they’re sexy too then at best they are just as sexy or comparably sexy to Queen Rania. She’s like the Peyton Manning of sexy royals. So, Queen Rania of Jordan – final answer.

2. If you could change your name, what would you change it to? I’ve always felt I should’ve been Phoebe Masterson.

There are two trains of thought: normal or ridiculous. I used to use Parkhurst Young as my alias for tons of stuff online. That would be the normal choice. On the other hand, I could change my name to King Kong von Thundercock of the Awesomeness Clan.

3. Why do Americans eat the animals we eat and nothing else? Why can’t we buy a package of ground dog at the grocery store? Or a rotisserie cooked guinea pig at the deli? Of course I don’t want to eat any of these things, it’s just fascinating that we were socialized to eat certain animals and not others. I try not to eat any animals, except for pigs, because they are just asking for it, being made of delicious bacon as they are.

I think most of this can be refereed to the discussion between Jules and Vincent in the diner scene of Pulp Fiction:

Vincent: Want some bacon?
Jules: No man, I don’t eat pork.
Vincent: Are you Jewish?
Jules: Nah, I ain’t Jewish, I just don’t dig on swine, that’s all.
Vincent: Why not?
Jules: Pigs are filthy animals. I don’t eat filthy animals.
Vincent: Bacon tastes gooood. Pork chops taste gooood.
Jules: Hey, sewer rat may taste like pumpkin pie, but I’d never know ’cause I wouldn’t eat the filthy motherfucker. Pigs sleep and root in shit. That’s a filthy animal. I ain’t eat nothin’ that ain’t got sense enough to disregard its own feces.
Vincent: How about a dog? Dogs eats its own feces.
Jules: I don’t eat dog either.
Vincent: Yeah, but do you consider a dog to be a filthy animal?
Jules: I wouldn’t go so far as to call a dog filthy but they’re definitely dirty. But, a dog’s got personality. Personality goes a long way.
Vincent: Ah, so by that rationale, if a pig had a better personality, he would cease to be a filthy animal. Is that true?
Jules: Well we’d have to be talkin’ about one charming motherfuckin’ pig. I mean he’d have to be ten times more charmin’ than that Arnold on Green Acres, you know what I’m sayin’?


First, I agree with Jules. And I know there is a biological reason why pigs “sleep and root in shit” – it’s to keep their skin moist and cool them down I think. Or they just love shit.

Second, humans did not come up with the idea of “predator” and “prey”. For the most part, human beings respect other great predators. Most places in the world are not serving “panther steak”. Also, most places have a great respect for large animals like whales, elephants, hippos, rhinos et cetera. There are only small pockets of the world that are killing these animals for food. I know that there is a huge problem with the Eastern coastal regions of Asia killing sharks, but outside of them no one else really kills sharks.

Third, I think a purpose has been assigned to most animals, if not all. I wouldn’t expect a cow to protect my house from a burglar, but a dog would. Someone will probably respond like “a Chihuahua wouldn’t protect your home” or “you could train a cow to protect– BLAH FUCKING BLAH! Cows are not naturally like that. We’ve bred them to be this way. Same with dogs. God didn’t just create a poodle and drop it into the jungles of the Congo. Animals have been bred through natural selection and human tampering to fill some purpose. Some are to be eaten by me and some are to catch a Frisbee thrown by me.

We didn’t arbitrarily choose to eat some animals over others. There are a variety of reasons why people eat certain animals. Dogs are a lot more useful of a creature alive by your side than dead on your dinner plate. I don’t think that can be said as convincingly for cows.

4. Sometimes I turn down sex because I haven’t shaved my legs. Can you take a quick survey of your male friends and colleagues to find out whether they would prefer to wait a day for smooth sex or have immediate stubbly sex?

Is it only either/or? What if you have the immediate stubbly sex then you shave and have smooth sex the next day? I’m not surveying any of my friends about this because I’m pretty sure they would say yes to the “stubbly sex” then the shaving then the “smooth sex” that I’m proposing. We’re not idiots over here.

5. My question is, what do you do when it is raining (and you’re not morking at your yob, obviously)?

I do whatever it is I normally do when it isn’t raining. You have seen pictures of me, so you know that when the sun is out that I’m not tanning on a beach or poolside. I watch TV and movies, listen to music, go online, play videogames, read, write, get drunk at a bar, get drunk at home, go to a friend’s place to do any of the stuff previously mentioned, go to sleep.


6. What’s your favourite cheese? Do you even like cheese?

Do I even like cheese? What!?! What type of satanic madness would one have to not like cheese? Even people allergic to cheese like cheese. It is the burden that God has afflicted them with like Job. God is testing their faith. Anyway, I fucking love cheese.

Favorite? That’s tough. I don’t think I have a favo”u”rite cheese. I like American, Cheddar, Swiss, Monterey Jack, Havarti, Gouda, Provolone, Muenster, Mozzarella, Parmesan and so on and so on. I’m not a fan of pepper jack cheese. I don’t want vegetables in my cheese. And I capitalized all the cheese names because they are all so good that they deserve to be capitalized.

7. What would you have as your last meal?

Am I being executed in this situation? If that’s the case then cyanide. Because fuck them.

Last meal in general? No idea. As long as it is good I would be fine with that. I’m not sure I would care too much especially if it was my last. If it was a burger or a steak or chicken parmigiana or lobster bisque or hard shelled crabs or whatever – as long as it was good then I’m cool with that.


8. Since it is warm where you live, are you a flip flops or sandals kind of guy? If sandals, do you wear socks with them? Speaking of socks, do you fold them, pull them all the way up or scrunch them down artfully?

I rarely wear flip flops or sandals. Mostly because I don’t own a pair of either. I am generally a “shoes” guy. Not even boots – just shoes. I don’t own boots either. There was a point in my life I wore Teva sandals during the warmer months. I’m not against sandals or flip flops – I just down own them. I wouldn’t wear socks with the flip flops or sandals unless I was doing it ironically.

I do not fold socks. I pull them all the way up and I scrunch them down artfully. The decision to do one over the other depends on what color my mood ring is.  

9. How can I, Jordan Newmark, tone down the dazzling whiteness of my skin?

First, why would I want to get rid of the dazzling whiteness of my skin? Do you know how much money the 1.3 billion Chinese people in this world would pay to have dazzling white skin like mine? GOOGLILLIONZ of dollars.

I could go outside and get sun burnt. That’s really my only other option. Or sell my soul to the Devil and begin using self-tanner.


10 . I was like, so wait just so we’re clear am I fucking fat pigs or am I fat and fucking average sized pigs?

My immediate reaction is you are fucking fat pigs. I would have to hear how he said it to be completely sure. If there was a pause between “fat” and “pig” then you are the latter rather than the former. I’m also assuming neither depiction of you is true. I just have a hard time imagining that a person who literally fucks pigs would not only find this website funny, but be a productive and witty commenter back. Call it “prejudice” or “ignorance” if you must, but that is what I believe damns it.

And with that, have a great weekend! And have a great Kristen Stewart Happy Birthday!



34 Responses to “This Week In Kristen Stewart Wants IT #HAPPY BIRTHDAY”

  1. Susanelle said

    why would I want to get rid of the dazzling whiteness of my skin? Do you know how much money the 1.3 billion Chinese people in this world would pay to have dazzling white skin like mine? GOOGLILLIONZ of dollars.

    You’re right.

    You’re beautiful. You’re beautiful.
    You’re beautiful, it’s true.
    I see an angel. Of that I’m srue.

    I’m just worried that your dating life will be slowed down by the misperception that you’re radioactive.

    • Nah. If he’d just invest in some shimmer lotion, he’d have his pick of every delusional Twihard around. Never a dull moment from that point on.

      • Susanelle said

        Never a dull moment from that point on.


        There’s too much brain and beauty on this blog, boys.

      • kristenstewartwantsit said

        I got more comments on my twitter than I do on this damn post. What the H? What the F? What the S? What the D? What the V? What the G? What the Y? What ……………………

      • Because Twitter is quick and easy and 140 characters. People are lazy, Jordan. It takes effort to fawn over you. Do you appreciate us yet?

  2. Dear King Kong von Thundercock of the Awesomeness Clan,

    This is a bold statement that I’m about to make, but I’m going to say it anyway: cheese makes the world go round. Lots of people are on the bacon bandwagon – and rightfully so, it is pretty amazing – but I think cheese is underrated and under-appreciated. I can eat a burger without bacon; I can’t eat one without cheese.

    I don’t think you’re giving Pepper Jack a fair chance, though. It’s not like there are enormous hunks of carrots and brussel sprouts hidden in there. Just delicious flakes of spicy peppers. You don’t even notice them! I am appalled at how quickly you discriminate. I’m not sure I can carry on with this one-sided adoration knowing this… I suspect you probably just don’t like spicy things very much. Perhaps you’re not man enough to handle the Pepper Jack. Do spicy things make you turn bright red because of your fair complexion? I can relate. One sip of alcohol used to make me look like a sunburnt hobo. The hobo part wasn’t the alcohol’s fault – that was just because I was a poor college student living in jeans and hoodies – but sunburnt hobo nonetheless. It’s not as bad anymore. I’ve built up my immunity to the redness by drinking to excess more frequently. It’s definitely working, which might be concerning.

    I just trash talked cheese. New high or new low?


    P.S. In case you weren’t already aware, there’s a rumor the Arrested Development movie isn’t going to happen. I am devastated panda over the entire ordeal. You are a cocktease, Mitch Hurwitz! A COCKTEASE.

    P.P.S. Happy Birthday KStew or whatever.

    • kristenstewartwantsit said

      I don’t like Pepper Jack because I don’t like pepper vegetables and I can completely taste the peppers in that jack.

      I like spicy things.

      Is the “rumor” from David Cross saying he thinks the movie might not happen? That’s a shit rumor. It’s just pessimistic speculation. FUCKING BUCK THE FUCK UP.

      • I am gullible and fragile. And easily depressed, according to you and your constant shouting to buck the fuck up. I like the mental image you have of me as a melodramatic asshat.

        And we now have a bigger issue than your dislike if Pepper Jack. YOU DON’T LIKE PEPPERS? It’s like we have nothing in common anymore. I don’t even know why I’m here.

      • kristenstewartwantsit said

        I like pepper sauce. I don’t like eating a pepper though. On the exact same scale, I like apple juice, but not eating apples.

        I read Cross’ interview. In a way, I think only his pessimism is what I think will make the AD movie better. The fact that they are older and have gone onto bigger projects makes it ironic now. I have faith it will happen because the show didn’t get its due when it was running on the air. Maybe the movie won’t either, but you have to at least try to give it its due. At least for spite’s sake. FOX wouldn’t renew it, ABC wouldn’t buy it, Showtime wouldn’t gamble on it, and HBO gave the dumbest rationale ever that because it didn’t start on HBO then they weren’t going to buy it. Fucking idiots. But all those idiots look like bigger idiots if they come out with a fucking movie. Oh I can’t get a TV show? I’LL JUST GET A MOVIE THEN!

        I feel like Mitchell Hurwitz has a similar thought process about it or at least he should.

        And this whole “Michael Cera is too big for this” — bullshit. Michael Cera is famous and all, but he isn’t DeNiro. I bet more people saw the Michael Cera with the Jersey Shore cast clips than “Nick & Nora’s Infinite Playlist” or “Youth in Revolt”.

      • I agree with everything you said, except for the food related stuff. Apple juice is gross, and apples with peanut butter are the best snack ever. I will disregard these recently discovered disturbing food habits and continue with my infatuation ONLY because you’re right about everything Arrested Development. You’ve successfully talked me off a ledge. Taste the happy!

        I wasn’t really on a ledge. Cross saying it might not happen isn’t the end of the world. The Cera argument is stupid. AD is much bigger now than it was on TV anyway, so I truly believe a movie will do very well.

      • Crystal said

        WHAT?? Apple juice is delicious. I would drink it everyday if I could. Have you had some Tree Top apple juice? That is the best stuff on Earth. Fuck that snapple bullshit. TREE TOP APPLE JUICE = The best stuff on Earth.

        I have nothing to say about Arrested Development because I’ve never watched it. And I never will. I find I seem cooler when the cool stuff isn’t cool enough for me.

      • MLF said

        blasphemy! youth in revolt was hilarious.

    • MLF said

      I do not like bacon, but I love Cheese. The words, “if you like it so much then why don’t you marry it” come to mind. When it is legal to mary cheese, I will be a wedded woman.

      I don’t like peper jack either though.

      • Fine. I’ll marry Pepper Jack and you can marry whatever lame cheese is left.

        Or, we can get married (since you’ve proposed to me like 100 times already), and just live happily ever after in a house full of cheese. It’s good to know we have options.

      • Susanelle said

        Ha! I’m not waiting till it’s legal to marry cheese. I’m living with cheese now. We’re just about to buy a condo!!

      • MLF said

        yes. we will get married and live in a house full of cheese- this is sounding so good.

        and for the record I would marry velveeta or possibly the powdered “cheese” that comes in the Kraft box.

      • Crystal said

        I don’t like bacon either. But cheese is the shit. The best shit.

    • AmyAlmost said

      Ok you Americans are confusing me. Is it capsicum that you’re talking about? ‘bell peppers’?

  3. MLF said

    I actually typed out this really really long insightfull comment about several of the things you talked about today but then in my absentmindedness I navigated away from the page without submitting it. oops.

    I fucking love her shoes in that picture though.

    • kristenstewartwantsit said

      That’s why I added the original in there – even I recognized you ladies would like to see her shoes.

      • MLF said

        why thank you Jordan, so thoughtfull. It would be even more thoughtfull of you if you could figure out the brand and style number of the shoes, or maybe just a link strait to where I could buy them. You know, if you get bored maybe?

  4. PWG said

    Personally I held back because it’s a pain in the ass to type my long-winded comments from my iPhone. Now I’m on the laptop. Unfettered. Get that scroll down arrow ready, boys.

    I mean later, when I actually have something to say.

  5. Lala said

    I don’t even remember what I read anymore, but since you were complaining about the lack of comments this one should count.

  6. PWG said

    Queen Raina’s a knockout, I agree. She and Kristin both have something I lack and covet, and that is long legs that don’t make one resemble an ottoman. The furniture ottoman I mean. I have nothing against the Turks no matter how long their legs are.

  7. PWG said

    I also adore cheese. Delicious, unhealthy cheese. Luckily I’ve skipped all the tender animal flesh so I can eat large quantities of cheese with no regard for cholesterol. I love it so much I’m going to some fondue place for my birthday, just so I can dip shit in hot cheese all night. Plus I like the pointy sticks they give you.

    Alcohol + pointy sticks + boiling pot of cheese = bliss.

    • I love fondue places for the very same reasons. And aside from just drinking alcohol on the side, they put it IN the cheese! Boozy cheese! Cheesy booze! It’s my happy place.

      • PWG said

        White chocolate with Amaretto fondue for dessert. Gah, food porn.

      • I like the chocolate fondues that they set on fire. Because I’m a child.

        The place near me did a Girl Scout cookie night. Thin Mint and Samoa chocolate fondues. Foodgasm. I’m inviting myself to your birthday party.

  8. aneira said

    Happy Birthday Kristen Stewart!! That girl rocks.

  9. campbelld said

    I would do terrible things to Queen’s Rania’s body. And the whole ‘being a queen thing?’ twice as sexy. Why do you think Anakin and Amaidala ended up together?
    Becuase Hayden Chistianson used his super powers in order to get him some? Yes. That is one hundred percent correct.
    Mmmmm, Natalie Portman.

  10. AmyAlmost said

    Australians eat shark. Flake. From the fish and chip shop covered in paper with chips slathered in salt and vinegar. But we don’t cut off fins and let sharks drown, that would be Asia. We also eat Kangaroo. Crocodile. Personally I don’t like Kangaroo, the husband loves it.

    You love cheese. We can totally be friends. How are you with insults? Do you take them personal when it’s in good jest?

    And I wear thongs or pluggers if you will. Not ‘flip flops’. What man other than Jesus or Moses wears sandals?

  11. Pol said

    ‘cheese is a kind of meat, a tasty yellow meat’ hahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!

  12. Flo said

    Wow. Rania is beautiful, really. About your name choice, wich one is the normal one?

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