Kristen Stewart Wants IT Tells You What Movies To Like – part 2

April 14, 2010

Without any training or experience, I think I could be a better manager to troubled celebrities than the people they have now. Maybe not all the celebrities, but I think I could do a much better job than most. Let me choose a random cele-

BEN ROETHLISBERGER!

I don’t know who Large Benjamin Roethlisberger’s manager and/or agent is, but this week he fucked up. Let’s skip all the Ben drunk at bars and maybe sexually assaulting girls while his bodyguards stand outside the door not allowing anyone in or out. Let’s skip that. That is all here say anyway, am I right? Oh I hope I’m right. Anyway, let’s skip that silliness and talk about what happened this week.

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AHHHHHHHH!!!! Ben Roethlisberger was on TV with a mullet! What in the fuckity fuck is going on here? Am I going nuts or did this man just get charges dropped for sexual assault and now he has a fucking mullet? On TV!?!

On Friday, the charges were dropped in the pending Ben Roethlisberger sexual assault case. There still may be a civil suit. There still may be an internal punishment handed down by the league (NFL) or the Pittsburgh Steelers franchise on Ben. But the charges were dropped in the criminal case and like all celebrity stories – there needs to be a press conference. On Monday, there was a press conference where Ben could tell the media vague bullshit about putting the past behind us and hoping for a good 2010 professional tackle football season. This is where I can easily do a better job than the manager.

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First, why is the press conference in the locker room in front of Ben’s locker? What shitty ass press conference is this? It wasn’t like Ben was coming from or going to practice or a game. Second and most important – WHY THE FUCK WAS BEN ALLOWED IN PUBLIC LOOKING LIKE THAT!?! Aren’t you trying to protect his image? Ben lost some sponsors recently and I’m of the mind that they quit Ben because he had a haircut like a meth dealer and his opinion of dressing up is a fire engine red short sleeve polo shirt. Didn’t you almost go to jail a minute ago?

I would have earned my weight in gold if I was Ben’s manager for this three step process:

1. No mullets
2. Wear a suit
3. Hold the press conference in any room that doesn’t smell like 65 dudes’ sweaty balls

BOOM! He did shave his mullet Monday night because I guess someone looked at him. Besides being able to be a better manager to Ben, I think I could solve most Lindsay Lohan-esque problems with this invention called a “CAB” or it might be known as a “TAXI” or a “RENT A FUCKING CAR AND DRIVER WITH ALL YOUR GD-ING MONEY INSTEAD OF DRUNK DRIVING WITH ONE MILLION PAPARAZZI WATCHING AND TAKING PICTURES, YOU FUCKTARDS!”

Anyway, let’s get back into the Summer movie extravaganza:

May 28th

Sex and the City 2

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http://www.comingsoon.net/films.php?id=52674

As you can see, I did not use the Sex and the City 2 poster. I think this picture is much better. Also, in the next paragraph you will learn that this picture will not give you cancer. If anything this picture may cure cancer. It definitely won’t make any cancer worse – I know that. And I’m not saying that Linda Tompkins’ miracle cancer disappearance happened solely because of this picture, but I’m saying like 70-30 it did.

Don’t see this movie. Please don’t. I know that you will. It depresses me so. I will not see Sex and the City 2 exactly how I didn’t see Sex and the City 1 and how I stayed away as much as possible from watching the Sex and the City television show. You know how they say not to drink from plastic water bottles that have been exposed to extreme heat because part of the plastic may have melted into the water and then drinking that water/plastic could lead to cancer. It’s not scientifically proven, but it is a solid hypothesis. Well, that’s how I treat Sex and the City. Sure, maybe if I watch an episode of it or maybe just 20 minutes of the movie or read an episode synopsis or listen to an interview with SJP – I might not die on the spot. But who can say for sure that later that won’t metastasize and I die from cancer? So, I try to avoid it altogether.

Nevertheless, I’m not completely solipsistic and I know people will see this movie. “People” meaning women and gay men and sane-minded boyfriends of either who get guilted into going – so I had to mention the movie and its cancer inducing existence.

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I am giving this movie 1 out 5 Kristen Stewart Wants IT throwing up heads for two reasons: 1. I like seeing the KSWI throwing up head picture and 2. Kristen Davis is hot.

Prince of Persia: Sands of Time

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http://www.comingsoon.net/films.php?id=20447

I wrote about this movie for Asylum.com last year. It was an article talking about three videogames and their movie adaptations and how Hollywood is going to fuck them up. Here is the link to the original article and the text from just the bit about this movie:

http://www.asylum.com/2009/07/09/3-video-game-movies-hollywood-is-going-to-f-up/

The game: Focuses on a phenomenally athletic Prince (maybe of Persia) who is tricked by an evil, staff-carrying Indian man into releasing the Sands of Time, thus turning everyone into monsters except for the Prince, the Evil Indian and a hot chick named Farrah. They’re not turned into monsters because, conveniently, the Prince has a magical dagger, the Indian has that magical staff, and Farrah has a magical medallion. The Prince and Farrah team up to reverse what has happened, and in doing so have a great adventure that brings them together emotionally as well as sexually in a bath (yep).

How they will eff it up:
In a move not unlike John Wayne playing Genghis Khan, Jake Gyllenhaal will be playing the Prince … of Persia. Judging by the rest of the cast list, modern-day Iranians are completely interchangeable with the English … of England. Look at this load of British actors: Ben Kingsley, Gemma Arterton, Alfred Molina and Toby Kebbell. It begs the question why even get an American like Jake Gyllen-I can’t-spell-your-name-without-looking-it-up-on-IMDb-haal to play the Prince when you could get Jude Law or Clive Owen or … wait, they’re too busy playing Americans in other movies. Unless Jake was gifted with an unnatural talent for running up walls, then we’ll spend this whole movie watching a body double do all the action. They should just cast the body double as the Prince and save us the trouble.

Not to nit pick, but there has been some footage released from this movie and Jake Gyllen-I-have-the-greatest-six-pack-ever-haal is dressed as the Prince from the game’s sequel, “Prince of Persia: Warrior Within.” Why specifically call the movie “Sands of Time” and then dress him in the style of a different title? Just call the movie “Prince of Persia: We Didn’t Play Any of the Games, But We Liked the Box-Cover Art and You Should Just Be Happy We’re Making a Movie About Any of Them at All, Nerd.”

Also, does anyone else think this movie looks more like “Assassin’s Creed” than “Prince of Persia”?

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I am giving this movie 1 out of 5 Kristen Stewart Wants IT throwing up heads. I agree with all I said last year. The only thing I would like to mention is that this movie is going to suck and Gemma Arterton is smoking hot. Nevertheless, people will see it – a lot of people.

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June 4th

Get Him to the Greek

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http://www.comingsoon.net/films.php?id=44399

I actually want to see this movie – FOR GOOD REASONS! I will not see Sex and the City 2 unless I am in a gun to the head situation or going to get head situation – HEY OH! Yeah, unless sexual favors or lots of money or immediate death are involved then I will not see Sex and the City 2. I will end up watching Prince of Persia at some point in my life. There are almost zero actions movies I have not seen. Good or bad, I’ll end up seeing them on TV or rent them on Netflix – the stars will align and it will just happen that I see it. But Get Him to the Greek, I’ll see this movie on complete purpose.

The trailer looks pretty funny. I don’t think this will be as funny as Forgetting Sarah Marshall, which most people involved in this movie made that movie, but I think it will be very funny. It will definitely be a wild ride of lunacy, drinking, drugs, rock and roll, and probably a lot of jokes about Russell Brand being a VD ridden, junkie, Brit and Jonah Hill being a fat, nerdy, loser. Play to your strengths, am I right?

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I’ll give this 4 out of 5 Kristen Stewart Wants IT heads. It will be funny – ‘nuff said.

June 11th

The A-Team

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http://www.comingsoon.net/films.php?id=40213

Ahhhh yes! Here is the second film of the year based on a rag tag team of mercenaries who are looking for some revenge. But The A-Team gets props for being the FUCKING A-TEAM! The Losers is a rip-off of The A-Team, much like The Expendables will be a rip-off of The A-Team. Meanwhile The A-Team is a rip-off of … THE A-TEAM! I really like the casting choices of the main four characters. You can never go wrong casting Liam Neeson in any role. NEVER. I think Bradley Cooper fits in quite well as the good looking, but rugged “Faceman” – he is basically Matthew McConaughey with a neutral accent. Sharlto Copley aka “The guy from District 9” is a great topical choice for Murdock and I support it. Lastly, I love Quinton “Rampage” Jackson as a fighter and as a man, so him as B.A. Baracus is perfect to me. As far as the main characters, I think they did a great job filling those roles. Old tough guy, playboy with a gun, tech nerd, black guy with a Mohawk who will kill you with his hands? Yeah, they got that.

Movies usually lie in the director’s hands anyway and I am comfortable with Joe Carnahan. I loved Narc and I really enjoyed Smokin’ Aces for the popcorn explosion flick it was. Also, the producers of the movie are Tony and Ridley Scott, which I’m more than comfortable with their action movie decision making skills.

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I’ll give this 4 out of 5 Kristen Stewart Wants IT throwing up heads. I think the movie will be fun and entertaining and that’s it. I don’t think it will be something I’ll be rewatching in 10 years, but not many movies are. The Expendables is coming out after the “some vampire” movie, so I will not get a chance to do a full preview on it. Of the three merc movies – The Losers will suck; The A-Team will be all entertainment as far as corny jokes, explosions, flashiness, and tongue-in-cheek everything; The Expendables will probably have the best action as far as grit and blood and murder deaths, but the storyline and acting will be complete cheesy seriousness like the new Rambo. So if you want to see shit see The Losers, if you want to see entertainment see The A-Team, if you want to see serious kills then see The Expendables.

The Karate Kid

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http://www.comingsoon.net/films.php?id=50421

I’m fully against this movie, solely because of the title. The Karate Kid franchise was already bastardized with The Next Karate Kid. But The Next Karate Kid at least had the decency to make it apparent that this was not in fact The Karate Kid – it was some stupid girl version and yes I have seen it numerous times. Using the title, The Karate Kid is a complete slap in the face to the original The Karate Kid. I do not need to explain why The Karate Kid is on the short list of “greatest movies ever made ever and will be forever and ever”. I literally could write endlessly about The Karate Kid and then the follow-up saga of Daniel LaRusso in The Karate Kid 2 and 3. I would be perfectly fine with another shitty kid’s action movie loosely based-on The Karate Kid that I will eventually see hung-over at some point if they just called it anything, but The Karate Kid. Just call it The Karate Kid: China or The Karate Kid 2000 or The Karate Kid remake that no one wanted or asked for and now forces people to say “the original” The Karate Kid as if “the original” The Karate Kid somehow has to justify itself, which is ridiculous because it is fucking brilliant and people still to this day yell out “Sweep the leg” or “Put him in a body bag” like the good Americans that they are.

Fuck this new The Karate Kid. Zero heads. Just watch the highlight video and go buy or rent or watch the version you already have of The Karate Kid TONIGHT and EVERY NIGHT!

June 18th

Jonah Hex

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http://www.comingsoon.net/films.php?id=22612

Um… well… there is no trailer. I had to mention the movie because Megan Fox is in it and Josh Brolin is in it too. I really like Josh Brolin, but to be honest if it was just him in it and not Megan Fox then I wouldn’t have mentioned the movie. I’m guessing this movie will suck. Or if you really like Van Helsing with Hugh Jackman then you’ll probably like it. If you can read between the lines then you can guess I really didn’t like Van Helsing. Nevertheless, it will be similar to that I’m guessing. It will probably be less flashy though because it is dealing with the Confederate Army and Josh Brolin isn’t too flashy. Awww what the hell am I talking about right now? MEGAN FOX IS HOT. I know you all hate to admit that to yourselves, but she is. And that’s why I’m mentioning this movie.

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No need to do a review considering there is no trailer to review. MEGAN FOX IS HOT. Get over it, you know I’m right – just look at her with your eyes.

Toy Story 3

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http://www.comingsoon.net/films.php?id=19252

I honestly cannot remember anything from Toy Story 2. I remember Toy Story really well because it was a movie history changing movie. Great movie, Toy Story. I’m guessing Toy Story 2 was great as well. I think I remember liking it, but it has been years. Anyway, I couldn’t imagine Toy Story 3 being bad. It may be some worn territory at this point, but it is not like kids know the difference. Those little mongrels watch the stupidest stuff and love it. You could probably throw on Toy Story and just tell them it is a sequel to Toy Story and they would buy it. They have no brain power to figure out that what they are watching is what they watched before. That’s why we don’t allow them to make decisions on their own. They’re dumb. That’s right little children – you’re dumb. I’ll have an IQ contest against you all any day of the week. Except the one or two of you that are baby geniuses like in that movie called Baby Geniuses. I’ll battle brain power to brain power against any ordinary idiot kid without a moment’s hesitation. But keep those baby geniuses away from me because they could probably beat me in one of those contests, they creep me out and they make the worst movies of all time.

I’m going to no review this one too. I’m guessing it will be good. So whatever “good” means to you then supplement that with heads of Kristen Stewart wanting IT and throwing up.

June 25th

Knight and Day

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http://www.comingsoon.net/films.php?id=55873

I’ll say this right here and right now – this movie will not be terrible. It will be on the positive side of good. It may be only 51% good to 49% bad, but it will be in the “good” column when it is judged by some dead guy who hung out with Jesus back in the day and was then declared a saint of some odd task for no apparent reason all in front of some pearly white gates because Heaven is like a racist elitist country club up in the sky. I have said before that Tom Cruise rarely appears in a bad movie. This will tow that line, but I think he’ll still drop on the “good” side and we all can continue on the status quo that Tom Cruise may be a weirdy off camera, but on camera he gets shit done.

This is not saying much, but I think this movie will be Schindler’s List in comparison to Mr. and Mrs. Smith. I hated that movie and I saw it twice or three times. Ok, four times – it was on cable once and I was drunk. It is going to be campy comedy mixed with some fun spirited gun play. I think Tom can handle that in spades. As annoying as I find Cameron Diaz in a lot of movies, I do like her in others. If she can stay on the positive side of “so annoying I am going to stab someone in the food court after I leave the theater” then the movie will be watchable. Also, James Mangold is a good enough director. He has some good movies and he has some clunkers. I think he’ll do just fine.

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I’ll give this 2.5 out of 5 Kristen Stewart Wants IT throwing up heads. With 2.5 it is a tie between good and bad, but I’ll give the favor to the champ, T-Cruise.

June 30th

The Twilight Sage: Eclipse

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http://www.comingsoon.net/films.php?id=53125

Hmmmm… I’ve heard of it. Well, I think the movie is going to suck when compared to anything that is per say “good” or “average” or “that sucks, but not as much as Twilight movies”. I really can’t see these movies getting good. I wish they did. The jump in goodness that I think was needed between Twilight and New Moon didn’t happen. I think New Moon was better, but by no means better to the point that I could ever watch it again without fear of me blowing up the television it was playing on with a bomb I fashion out of the couch cushions I would be sitting on. The fact that I did not see too much change between those two movies means that the producers are really in charge of the films and not the directors. So, the change in directors will be a marginal change just like before.

Plus, I doubt David Slade is the guy that will all of a sudden make this movie franchise seem respectable. I love Hard Candy and I detest 30 Days of Night. So there’s that. His music videos are fairly hit or miss as well. I like the songs more than I like any of the videos which does not bode well for him Like AFI’s “Girl’s Not Grey” is an excellent song from an excellent album which had a series of excellent videos made for those excellent songs… the video for “Girl’s Not Grey” is just not one of them. The other videos made for that AFI album all stand out as solid videos. The others videos I see him credited for like Muse and System of a Down. I like those songs and could careless about the videos. I’m not saying I have no faith in David Slade making a good movie, but I don’t have a ton and I won’t get my hopes up. Hard Candy could be a one-hit wonder in his career for all we know.

I am sure most of you have tuned out already because I was mean about Twilight. Anyway, I will give this movie a bunch of Kristen Stewart wants IT throwing up heads because I like them and she is in the movie and you’re going to see the movie regardless of what I say. You’ll probably see it a billion fucking times regardless of you liking it or not.

So….

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I’m finished.

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38 Responses to “Kristen Stewart Wants IT Tells You What Movies To Like – part 2”

  1. susanelle said

    Hey, I was never a Megan Fox nay-sayer. She’s hot all right. Further, she’s a darn cute girl.

    So don’t lump us all together like we’re a vast unknowable cosmos. There’s about 20 of us, and we’re all different.

    Second, don’t worry about insulting us about the “quality” of Twilight. We know what “quality” it is. It’s just that Stephenie Meyer got into our id the way meth gets into your endorphin production, and it’ll take a while to shake this off. In this way, we are like a vast unknowable cosmos.

    Finally, http://io9.com/5516545/why-the-twilight-hate-has-gotten-boring?skyline=true&s=i

  2. Cristalena said

    i couldn’t stop gawking at how beautifiul Gemma Arterton is while watching Clash Of The Titans.

    I pretty much agree with everything you’ve said but that might be because I’m tired.

    it hurts me to say but i’m not very excited for Eclipse. I mean I am excited but not as excited as I was for New Moon. I was more anxious for The Runaways honestly. I think I’m past the honeymoon stage in my twilight obsession. so so sad.

  3. tiffanized said

    Ben Roeth-can’t-spell-his-name-without-looking-at-the-top-of-the-post-lisberger totally failed at not looking like a sex offender. I would think that as Important Events go, “press conference in which I don’t want to seem like a grubby sex offender” would warrant new clothes and a lack of mullet.

    I want to see Sex and the City 2 even though I didn’t enjoy the first one at all. I have two reasons which should eliminate the need for further explanation:
    1. Liza Minnelli
    2. John Corbett

    The trailer to Get Him to the Greek didn’t look great. First, it started off with Sean “Piddy Puff Diddy” Combs trying to act, which never leads to anything good. Second, there was a tremendous amount of vomit in the preview alone. But I will see it, because I think that Russell Brand is a god among men and I love to hear him speak.

    I will probably not see The A-Team, but I will tell you that when we saw the trailer for it this weekend my daughter said it looked like a great movie “except they should have called it something else”. I was all like, “But it’s got to be called A-Team because that was the name of the show it’s based on” and she was all like, “I didn’t know there was a show called A-Team” and I was all like, “I’m fucking old.”

  4. MLF said

    Sex in the City- no. I liked the show- hated the last movie

    Prince of Persia- ZOMG YES YES YES YAY YAY YAY. This movie looks kickass. Will I be dissapointed? maybe. But the trailer looks fantastic and that is definitely my kind of movie if it doesn’t suck too bad.

    Get Him to the Greek- I’ll definitely see it since I see everything, but I am very meh on it. The trailer included lots of vomit which was gross. I have a low chunky vommit viewing tolerance. watery puke is ok but chunky I can’t deal with.

    The A Team- ZOMG AHHHHH YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYY. I am stoked about this movie. I may mark it’s release date on my calendar and cross the days off until it gets here

    The Karate Kid- I’ll probably see it. I see evertyhing. I doubt it will be good or that I will like it.

    Jonah Hex- I fucking loved Vanhelsing- enough so to buy it on DVD, so if you think the two will be similiar I will probably like it. but I haven’t even heard of this movie until now so who knows.

    Toy Story- You clearly have spent zero ammount of time watching kids. Yes- kids will watch the same movie, over and over and OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN UNTIL YOU WANT TO KILL SOMETHING, but they know that they are watching the same movie. If they want to watch Free Willy and you put in Free Willy Two- all hell will break loose. There are few things as similiarly terrifying as twenty screaming four year olds. it’s very shrill. anyhizzle- I will not be seeing this movie. I don’t have to deal with screaming four year olds anymore. and I didn’t even really like toy story one although I was in a much more disney appropriate age bracket at the time it came out.

    Eclipse- I will see it and probably laugh when I am suposed to cry and cry when I’m supposed to laugh, but I will still love it. Not as much as I love the books or even Twilight (I liked Twilight much, MUCH better than New Moon. *shrugs*) I am def. getting burnt out though. I still haven’t even bought the NM dvd yet, sigh. What a slacker I am.

    • tiffanized said

      Twilight was better than New Moon. Not quality-wise. Or acting-wise. Or special effects-wise Maybe a better story? New Moon was my least favorite of the books, and Eclipse was my most favorite, so I think I’ll like Eclipse more just for that reason.

      • I think most of “us” like Twilight better than New Moon for reasons that have absolutely nothing to do with quality, story, etc. It reigns supreme for sentimental reasons. It reminds you of the warm fuzzies you had from the first time you were exposed to all that Edward/Bella nonsense, before you really analyzed it to shreds.

        Like you, NM was my least favorite book (an impressive feat considering the lunacy that was BD), and Eclipse was my favorite. But things don’t look promising. Seems the little ankle biter David Slade has gone rogue… Summit should know you always have to watch out for the little ones.

      • tiffanized said

        These were the actual words I wrote after seeing Twilight for the first time and before the insanity set in:

        I took Kaylen to see “twilight” yesterday.

        It was–um, how do I put this–emotional porn for teenage girls. New girl in dreary town is seemingly rejected by broody pale boy, so of course, she can’t stop thinking about him, despite a superfluous supply of non-broody boys. He saves her life (twice) fulfilling the emotional porn staple of the damsel in distress being rescued by the hero. He says a lot of stuff about how he is dangerous, how she should just forget about him, yet he keeps showing up all unbidden and stalkery. When she realizes that he is a vampire, he keeps asking her if she is afraid. Except for the vampire part, this is the pattern of an emotionally abusive, manipulative relationship . . .

        . . . For my grown up female friends, GO SEE THIS MOVIE. Robert Pattinson is brilliant. He will take your breath away. Your heart rate will nearly double anytime Edward gets his mouth within a foot of Bella’s neck.

        I’m guessing when I wrote “brilliant” I meant “hot” and not “good actor”.

      • Cristalena said

        what!?
        New Moon was my favorite!
        I got bored of watching Twilight but it’s only time when the same thing happens with New Moon.

      • MLF said

        Tiffanized your Twilight review is quite impressive- after seeing the movie for the first time I couldn’t make any noises other than dreamy sighs and high pitch squealing accompanied by clapping. I think the most articulate thing I had to say about it was to my mom, and it sounded basically like this: “ZOMG YOU HAVE TO SEE TWILIGHT OMG OMG AHHHHHH!!!! SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!” *clapping*

        I clap my hands when I get really excited. it’s kind of embarrasing….for those around me. I don’t think about it often but when I do I find it hilarious and charming, if I do say so myself.

      • MLF said

        also I love the name Kaylen

  5. Ok, I won’t see Sex And The City 2. But not because you asked. I never saw the first one. I’ve never even seen 5 seconds of the TV show. It’s not really my thing. Add this to my never having seen Love, Actually either, and revocation of my Girl Card is pretty much guaranteed.

    If I’m being honest with myself, I anticipate that Eclipse will be a steaming pile of horseshit. But I will see it regardless, naturally. I won’t see it a billion times if it sucks though. Sheesh, give me SOME credit.

    Nice tattoos, sir.

    • tiffanized said

      I’m kind of freaked out that you haven’t seen the “Sex and the City” show or Love Actually. I own them both if you ever want to come over and watch them and make cupcakes and write dirty things all over Jordan’s Facebook wall.

      I will now get back at you by saying I’ve seen exactly one episode of 24 and maybe 2.7 episodes of LOST.

      • I’m not very good at the girly-girl stuff — today’s dress and stilettos notwithstanding — which is why I never gave any of those shows/films a chance. We will make this viewing party happen. Don’t be surprised if I show up dressed as a Mutant Ninja Panda-Turtle.

        I will forgive you for the 24/LOST business, because we have Arrested Development. We can always come together over the adorably hilarious Jason Bateman.*

        PWG, you can have my Girl Card if you come and take it yourself. Meet me at Tiff’s. (That sounds a lot like I’m offering you my virginity. My, how things have changed around here…)

    • PWG said

      You’re going to have to see Love, Actually. Send me your Girl Card in the mail right now, and I’ll return it when you can’t stop singing “All I Want For Christmas Is You” under your breath.

      You could probably skip the Sex and the City movie. I did see it, and all I can remember is a ginormous blue bird stuck to the side of Sarah Jessica Parker’s head. Bold fashion choice.

      • MLF said

        I’ve never seen Love Actually either but if that All I Want for Christmas song is the same one I’m thinking of (Mariah Carey?) then I will openly admit to loving it and singing it year round, in pulic even.

    • AmyAlmost said

      Much respect for your lack of Sex and the City and Love Actually. I used to be a non-Sex and the City person and then DVD’s became really inexpensive in Australia and I got completely hooked. As for Love Actually, I have to watch everything Hugh Grant. Love him.

  6. PWG said

    I zoomed into this page 400% so I could see your damn arm tattoo better. How many of those MuscleMag shots do you have, exactly? Consider my Friday question: what’s going on with those pictures? Were those chicks standing around with a line of guys behind them to take pictures like that? They look legitimately orgasmic at standing next to you. Did they pull off those faces for all the guys, were you first in line, are they cardboard cutouts, what? I didn’t think your face was THAT pale in the first picture. Sure, paler than the chickadees but still within the spectrum of live-person skin. But your hands. My God, man. I feel like I should bring you Vitamin D supplements.

  7. PWG said

    Big Ben has a penis-nose. I think he should add “stay away from profile photos” to the venue/mullet/dresscode fixes. I’m disappointed in his trials and tribulations. Either he’s a rapist who’s picking off drunk chicks or there are calculating women out there trying to extort money out of his celebrity. Neither one is good, but I suppose one of them is true. I think Roger Goodell needs to give him at least a 3-game suspension for sheer dumbfuckery.

  8. I like how that picture of you with your lady friends is so aptly named “yes-1.jpg”. It’s very succinct that “yes”, but it gets a point across. I probably would have gone for “would-you-look-at-these-tits.jpg” or “I-had-to-excuse-myself-to-the-bathroom-immediately-following-this-shoot.jpg” myself… but I’m not the wordsmith you are.

    • MLF said

      personally I would have named it “ew-gross-these-chicks-are-way-too-muscular”

      also, does the blonde one’s face look very…dude-like, or is that just me?

      Those ladies could be smokin hot for all I know, but since I am not a guy the obvious appeal of fit women in bikinis doesn’t really get me and all I can think of when I look at them is ew.

      I must have accidentally ate bitchflakes for breakfast today.

      • MLF said

        hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

        eaten*

        I also must have accidentally eaten* some I-can’t-spell-for-shit-flakes as well.

      • PWG said

        I think Blondie is less scary than Brunette-y in the carwash dangly strip necklace. Blondie looks like she’s about to slip Jordan’s hand into her sparklepants.

      • MLF said

        I fully agree- Brunette-y is scary in a seemingly Russian “Ve haf vays ohf makink you talk- (like cutting off your dick and feeding it to you)” type way.

        I should never ever ever try to type with a Russian accent.

        and Blondie absolutely looks like she is about to slip Jordan’s hand into her sparklepants, only I wouldn’t be suprised if there’s an extra non female like appendage in there.

  9. MLF said

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I just realized that I never added my two cents about Knight and Day.

    but actually me forgetting the movie accurately sums up exactly how I feel about it: I have no opinion, it is not even a blip on my radar.

    Top Gun is one of the best movies ever. ok, yes that is a bold statement, perhaps too bold, but in general I loved Top Gun and most of Tom Cruise’s early work- now I can’t stand him in anything he does. You know those people who piss you off the instant they open their mouths? yeah. He’s like that for me, no matter what character he is playing or whether he is doing a good job or not, all I can think of when I look at him is him jumping up and down on oprah’s couch or flipping out on the water squirting reporter. I just think he’s a giant A hole.

    Could you imagine people you’ve never even met thinking that you are a giant A hole? Being a celebrity would suck.

    Unless you are too busy counting all your money to worry about what other people think about you?

    • PWG said

      I think big bags of money would make that cross a little easier to bear. I bet the most irritating part would be the constant flash photography right in your face. Plus kidnappers plotting against your children and such.

  10. Michelle said

    I hated the first SATC movie when I finally saw it on demand months after it was released. Why make this TV show into a movie? I just don’t get it. Any time I blog or tweet about Gilmore Girls I get a reply asking me to sign a petition to make a Gilmore Girls movie – wtf? TV shows end people, get over it! I can deal with not seeing SATC 2.

  11. AmyAlmost said

    “Prince of Persia: We Didn’t Play Any of the Games, But We Liked the Box-Cover Art and You Should Just Be Happy We’re Making a Movie About Any of Them at All, Nerd.”

    Oh I love you Jordan. Don’t tell my husband he gets annoyed when I tell people/things other than him that I love them. Prince of Persia was the first video game on a computer that I fell in love with while people were all about their Wolfenstein.

    I really liked New Moon because it brought my sanity back (because it killed my 13 year old crush I had on an actor). I am excited about Eclipse because I finish what I start and of David Slade. I thought the film 30 Days of Night was terrible, but I really liked how it was filmed. Hard Candy was awesome.

    I agree about Tom Cruise. Cannot fault his films. They are good. As much as he fruits my cake, his films are good.

    I think you need to stop complaining about Sex and the City 2 so much. What harm does that movie do to you? I don’t complain about that tv show where the guy talks about guns and armoured tanks my husband insists on watching because I understand how it makes him feel. (I lie – I complain every time he watches it – it always feels like my tv is yelling at me, I get it you were a marine and you like watching things blow up but can you please stop yelling at me about it!!!)

    The Karate Kid can have all the Jackie Chan it wants but that won’t count for the reasons you’ve already stated. Although considering the Jackie Chan if it were Karate Kid/Drunken Master combined that I would see. The Drunken Karate Kid Master.

    You know I kind of liked Van Helsing like the Mummy movies, which is to say I didn’t expect much and found moderate entertainment. So I might actually like that one. Megan Fox is very cute, especially when she’s not being interviewed.

    • cledbo said

      ZOMG you’re talking about Lock ‘n Load with THE Gunnery Sergeant R. Lee Ermy, the greatest show on TV EVAH. I hope this doesn’t mean we can’t still be friends and maybe one day meet up and get messy drunk together while talking about how much Kristen Stewart Wants IT.
      But I fucking love that show. He calls his viewers couch potatos and armchair athletes it’s hilarious. He also played House’s dad, which is just totally awesome.

      I will add the disclaimer that my household is a military one, and I personally ADORE watching stuff blow up* (almost as much as I love blowing shit up myself, which is one of the most satisfying activites in the world), so I’m a tad biased. I’m also used to people yelling at me right up in my grill, so Gunny’s style doesn’t bother me so much.

      • PWG said

        I think Ermey probably wrote the whole “creative insult database” thing that HB led us to last week. (This week? I don’t know, time is flowing strangely lately.) Someone probably followed him around with a pad and pencil and when he called the bagger at the grocery store a dung sqeezing turn inhaler they just wrote it down.

        I also like watching stuff blow up. Love watching stuff blow up. It can’t go back to mankind’s caveman genetics or anything, they didn’t have all the good explosives. I regret that I haven’t had the opportunity to personally blow up much stuff. When my husband and I left a restaurant last month I took a book of matches they had in a bowl up front. I don’t smoke or anything, there was no real need for it. But he looked at me and said, “Never know when you’re gonna need fire, right?” That’s why I love him. He gets me.

  12. campbelld said

    Ugggghhhhhh and it’s every where.
    If any of you ladies pick up on what that refers to, then I am not surprised, becuase most of you are filthy.
    I am terrfied of Megan Fox.

  13. aneira said

    fuck megan fox.
    no wait dont.
    dont give in to her blackhole of want! thats just what she wants you to do. besides in that picture you posted of her she looks like butt.
    also, yes, i will see eclipse, because i liked the artisticness of twilight, despite the awkwardness. (yes, i think catherine hardwicke is actually a really visionary director, its just for a teen movie.. what the hell cat?) anyway i thought the volutri parts of new moon were cheesey and untasteful and just what everybody wanted. : P

  14. cledbo said

    I just wrote a long and insightful comment about the unnatural size of MFox’s waist, how much I dislike Jake G, and why I will watch Eclipse even though I know it will suck (vampire fights, there, I said it).

    And my browser killed my comment.

    KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!

    Which is what I have now named my browser, for sake of dramatic effect. In case you were wondering.

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