You Get What You Pay For

April 15, 2010

I am chasing the dragon.

Currently, I am chasing the dragon. What is the dragon? Or, what is the “dragon”? Or, what is “chasing the dragon”? This phrase is usually used when referring to heroin addicts. That first time they take heroin, the high is so incredible. They become addicted instantly at this high because all other highs pale in comparison. They continue to take heroin and fiend for it trying to relive that first high. This is the elusive dragon they are now chasing. As mentioned, I am currently living day-to-day exactly like a lonely tired soul chasing the dragon.

I am an ADDICT. I am a FIEND. I am a mad typing JUNKIE!

The dragon? The dragon that I am chasing? My dragon!?!

Dunkin’ Donuts Iced Coffee

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AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU, DUNKIN’! DAMN YOU, MR. NUTS! MISTER DO-NUTS! DAMN ALL OF YOU AND YOUR COFFEE!

I drink coffee pretty much every morning. I’m not really addicted to coffee. I don’t get headaches if I don’t drink it. I don’t feel the need to have it in the morning to wake me up. I just like coffee. Recently, the change to warmer weather made me reconsider drinking hot coffee in the morning. Why not embrace this sunniness… sunnyness… sunny-ness… sunniness makes it sound like it I’m embracing the ness of being a “Sunni”, which ain’t so bad …. It’s sunny out with the warm and the light, so I thought I would purchase an “iced coffee” from the Dunkin’ Donuts. And it tasted…

… MOTHERFUCKING AMAZING!

I drank the large iced coffee in like 10 seconds. I felt like I should go back and order another and another. It was just phenomenal.

Everyday since then I have ordered an iced coffee from Dunkin’ Donuts and it has been…. sucky. What the fuck Dunkin’ Donuts? Now, I can’t stop ordering them because there is the off chance they will make it amazing again. At this point, I have had I think 6 iced coffees that have been *shrugs* in ratio to the 1 that made me Viagra in my pants.

Lost

I’ve talked Lost before. Some say too much. Some say not enough. Some say stupid shit similar to “Sally sells seashells by the seashore. The shells Sally sells are surely from the sea”, some say stupid shit like that. Lost is nearing its end. They are closing up shop over the next few weeks. With only a few episodes left, Lost has decided to get all puppy dog, tears in the eyes, quivering lower lip, flush in the cheeks, a deep sighing exhale – romantic.

The most mysterious show on network TV is trying to rap up its loose ends before the final curtain call and all of a sudden it’s the most romantic television show on the planet. It’s amazing. Not that Lost wasn’t chock full of romance storylines. How can we all forget the love triangle of Jack/Sawyer/Kate? Which we all know could easily be solved with a Devil’s threesome. People have found love in storylines on the island and off the island. But last week it was revealed that the key to the whole flipping show was true love. Awwwwww…. *inhale breath* … Awwwwwwwwwww

Time traveling, parallel dimensions, smoke monsters, polar bears, gun fights, ghosts of the dead, magnets, the eternal battle of good and evil, murdering scientists, ancient tribal cultures, secret underground hatches, mobsters, atomic bombs, helicopters, boats so many boats, submarines too, and a mess of hot people stuck on a tropical island with no provisions who always look hot and whose teeth never look dirty – no need to worry about all that nonsense. It all boils down to finding the one person who is indeed your soulmate amongst all that madness and you’ll be fine. So don’t sweat it.

Last week’s episode was great. This week’s had its moments as well. I like that with this “All you need is love” Lost slash The Beatles philosophy that Desmond’s character has become a time traveling Cupid. I look forward to him walking around and intervening in everyone’s lives being like “Hey, brother, you see that girl over there? I think she wants your mouth on hers and she wants to have a party in your pants…. brother.” Brilliant.

Mork blows

I am actually really busy at “mork”, so I really don’t have time to write a ton more before my daily deadline of “lunch”. So I’m going to raid the The Huffington Post’s entertainment section for the fluff and ridiculousness that is always there. If you ever wanted to see inside the deranged brain of a schizophrenic who has been poisoned by pop-culture then look no further than HuffPo.

Rufus Wainwright: 50 Cent Is Gay

BRILLIANT! Not only is 50 Cent not culturally relevant anymore, but I don’t know if Rufus Wainwright ever was – yet here is a “front page” story declaring one is gay while the other one is just really gay. Don’t get me wrong, I love Rufus Wainwright. The guy has an amazing voice. The guy is also the gayest. That is neither a hindrance to his voice being great or helpful in anyway, but it is just a fact. Like Alan Cumming is also the gayest. I also am a huge fan of Alan Cumming. And in no way is me saying he is the gayest a slight. Think of it more as, if being gay was a competition – they won. They’re the Carl Lewis (joke works on many levels if you know anything about Carl Lewis) of being gay. They should quite possibly have gold medals made proclaiming they’ve won at being gay.

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Part of them winning at being gay is that they’ve been the gayest for awhile. It isn’t some flash in the pan gayness like Adam Lambert. That guy is crazy gay, but for how long will he be this crazy gay? Does he have the endurance to continue being insanely gay for years upon years despite his age and the stress of being just as gay if not gayer then rising gay superstars? I personally would bet against Adam Lambert. I think Adam Lambert is like the Isaiah Rider Jr. of being gay. He captured the hearts and minds of basketball fans when he won two dunk contests. But he never did anything beyond that. He never won the big game. He is barely remembered. He may have been the first to do a through the legs dunk, but now it is almost cliché to do one in a dunk contest. If it weren’t for the video of those dunk contests then he would have been forgotten entirely. Sadly, I believe that Adam Lambert will be the same. Just like Isaiah Rider Jr. someone else will wear even tighter leather pants than Lambert on television or spike up his hair even higher or sing in an even more girly falsetto.

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Is 50 Cent gay? Who cares? Well, Rufus Wainwright does because he and his boyfriend want to bone him, so I guess he and I have different priorities. Good luck to you Rufus and nameless boyfriend. I wish you the best. I hope you get that dark chocolate gangster in your bedroom. Meanwhile, I think you all should check out the documentary Leonard Cohen: I’m Your Man. Rufus fucking kills it in that movie covering Leonard Cohen songs. Also, Rufus wears a sleeveless t-shirt made of sequins. Seriously – he should get a fucking medal for all that he does.

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Susan Sarandon On Crutches & Al Pacino With His Girlfriend Lucila At Premiere (PHOTOS)

Don’t hate the playa’ hate the game. Wow. I like Al Pacino and all a lot, but girls are fucking RETARDED. Susan Sarandon is on the list of 50 women over 60, but she looks damn good even on crutches. Al Pacino looks like a multiple train wreck. Like there was a terrible train wreck and then God saw fit to move the train tracks of another train line that was running parallel to the train wreck tracks and drove another set of trains into that already happened train wreck.

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Ugh…

I have to mork. Fuck. Anyway, I think this was funny enough. I talk about gay guys winning at being gay and I talked about having a heroin like addiction to iced coffee which probably questions my own straightness. Whatever.

Questions for tomorrow, please. Fuck mork.

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59 Responses to “You Get What You Pay For”

  1. Crystal said

    I don’t even know who Rufus Wainwright is. But apparently he thinks 50 Cent is gay, maybe he’s just hopeful?

    Oh my gosh! That weird Brinks commercial where the girl is having a party and the last person that leaves looks at her all longingly and then promptly tries to break into her house just came on! Such a weird commercial.

    Sorry…I went off-topic there. Um…question for tomorrow. If a hot girl that had just left your party promptly broke into your house and tried to “rape” you would you be scared or just go with it? Keep in mind…she’s hot.

  2. PWG said

    Thanks for making me imagine Jack and Sawyer having sex. And by “thanks” I mean Fuck You. I can honestly say that mental image would not have occurred in my head spontaneously.

  3. PWG said

    I don’t think Pacino looks that bad. In the linked pictures you can see he’s wearing a black T-shirt under a black button-down shirt under a black suit jacket with a black scarf of some sort and a . . . rosary? So there’s some questionable fashion choices going on there, and his hair is ridiculous. But if you mowed that thatch of hair down the man would look pretty good and not just pretty good for his age, either.

    • tiffanized said

      I had the same reaction. Besides the borderline Phil Spector hairdo, he looks like Al Fucking Pacino.

      Also, who the fuck is allowing these people to write at HuffPo? This line: “Pacino, who play Kevorkian, was their with his gorgeous young girlfriend Lucila Sola” nearly killed me. Play? Their? Whoever wrote that probably got paid for it, and this knowledge will keep me up at night.

  4. tiffanized said

    I love the last line of the Rufus/Fiddy article: 50 Cent’s rep did not return calls to the New York Post. I think Rufus Wainwright should probably start looking over his shoulder. Maybe install some bulletproof glass in his car. The last time someone publicly pissed 50 Cent off they ended up on the lawn in their robe and slippies while their house burned to the ground. I’m not saying Fiddy did it. I’m just saying that fucking around with Curtis James Jackson III might result in an accidental accident that happens accidentally.

    My favorite part of Leonard Cohen: I’m Your Man is Rufus Wainwright talking about how the first time he met Leonard Cohen he was half-dressed in the kitchen feeding a baby bird, then he goes back in the bedroom for like ten minutes and comes back in a tux or something. I can’t remember exactly how the story goes, but it made me think that Mr. Cohen and I would get along famously.

  5. PWG said

    Now that you have me reading the HuffPo entertainment trash I can’t stop. Oprah dated John Tesh?! The Allure nude issue?! It’s my new heroineeeee.

    • kristenstewartwantsit said

      I also noticed on the Huffpo that the Kardashians talked periods and vaginas. I really don’t have time at work today to read that or watch that which I can only assume is utterly genius.

  6. Lala said

    Eww… Iced coffee is gross. Coffee is not supposed to be cold, it’s supposed to be hot. Just saying.

  7. MLF said

    I’m not a big Adam Lambert fan….I won’t be sad when he’s gone. and I def. don’t think he’s “in it for the long haul” or whatever. I think he will lose popularity fairly quickly. I thought that performance he did where he kissed the guy and all kinds of other innapropriate stuff was awful in numerous ways.

  8. PWG said

    Maine man gets 2 years for forcing sons to fight.

    I have another Friday question here. From the article above, “The Bangor Daily News says the boys told detectives they were forced to punch, kick and knee each other . . .”

    A) How am I going to train my boys to be cage fighters if the police keep arresting me for starting their training early?

    B) If I wait until they’re 8 and 10, do you think the police will go easier on me, and is that a worthwhile tradeoff for delaying the training? Everyone knows you have to force ballerinas to contort themselves from the age of fetus if they’re ever going to be any good. I think the same goes for the mixed martial arts.

    C) What the fuck’s in the Maine water that the Dad had to force a 6- and 4-year old to fight? I spend nearly every waking moment at home pulling my boys off each other. They’ll fight with toy light sabers, wooden swords, bare hands and feet, popsicle sticks, whatever the fuck’s not nailed down. The concept of having to force them TO fight is something I can’t wrap my head around.

    • For what it’s worth, I’ve never ever meet a normal person from Maine. Your point C there is very valid. My brother and I only ever stopped fighting once we got in trouble for fighting. And then we were the very best of friends because we were united in our temporary hatred of our parents for punishing us. But as soon as our timeouts were over, we were back to fighting. And I’m not talking just name-calling or whatever – we really tried our damnedest to kick the shit out of each other. Being the same age worked to my advantage because (being a girl and all) I developed faster, meaning I was bigger and stronger than him for most of my young life. Then all of a sudden he shot up to 6ft when we were 16, and I had to throw in the towel. I distinctly him whipping me with a metal hanger… But I chased him with a knife once. So I think I win the crazy competition. And you all thought I was normal. Oh wait, you didn’t? Good times! I guess I have no right to judge those crazies from Maine after all.

      • cledbo said

        I’m pleased to know HB that I am not alone in being party to brother-sister shit-kicking during childhood.
        I’m pretty sure it’s because of me that my brother fought like a girl at school and got suspended. By fight like a girl I mean scratching, biting and hair-pulling. Which just isn’t done, you know? Hah!

        I sconned my bro on the head with a high heeled shoe once. And also (accidentally, mind you) hit him in the face with a 9-iron. On the back swing, he was standing behind me the idiot.

        Even though he’s taller than me now I could still kick his arse. That’s what happens when you join the army and get all this cool close-quarter combat training, instead of becoming a programmer who has a very similar skin tone to Jordache. Except without the love of MMA and football. My brother is a dweeb.

      • I definitely could not still kick my brother’s ass. He’s 6’2″ and pretty solidly built. Plus, he spends his days doing manly blue collar things like working in factories and building decks and shit, while I whither away in front of a computer screen helping write use cases and analyzing fake concepts like website usability. Yay, college degree!

        The only “close combat training” I have is a self defense class that I took out of curiosity when I went to college. And even then, the only thing I really remember is “grab, twist & pull”, and that’s not a move you break out while just horsing around with a sibling. That and whatever I might remember from my Billy Blanks Tae Bo VHS collection from ten years ago.

  9. Cristalena said

    “Amanda Flowers Claims Wii Fit Injury Made Her A Sex Addict”

    this huffpo entertainment stuff reads like the national enquirer.

    what would be the best thing about being a pirate?

    How would you define a hipster?
    my brother has no idea what a hipster is and after many random explanations he still doesn’t get it.

    • PWG said

      A Man Deflowers? Don’t parents sound out their kids’ names, make sure the initials don’t spell something stupid, etc. before they put that shit on a birth certificate?

      • MLF said

        My initials spell out milf. Thanks mom n dad.

      • cledbo said

        In their defence those multi-racial horndogs were only dribbling babies when they named you.

        Unless I’m totally off base with how old I think you are.

        .
        ..

        *crickets*

      • MLF said

        I’m 21- and I don’t know which multi racial horndog’s you’re refering to, so should I be mad at the parents or no?

      • cledbo said

        Harold and Kumar, before they had names, were the characters in American Pie who came up with MILF.

        Well, technically the writers did, bu they said it so whatever.

      • MLF said

        wowwwww. An American Pie reference…I never saw American Pie..I’m like an insult to my generation

    • AmyAlmost said

      Just get him to read a Vice or Adbusters as they delve into hipster explanation.

  10. Jeez… I admit to chasing a sibling with a knife and the comments die. What, you people are too good to fraternize with violent crazies all of a sudden? Whatever.

    DD’s iced coffee is like heroine. But I prefer my heroine to be hazelnut-flavored. Yum. Surely “recently” can’t be the first time you’ve had iced coffee in your 26 years on this planet? The more I learn about your food and drink habits, the more I’m disappointed, le Jardin.

    • kristenstewartwantsit said

      I pointed a gun at my sister once…. douche chills.

      • High five! We’re so fucking badass.

      • cledbo said

        Tell us this story.
        I don’t care if there’s only one sentence on top of the one you just wrote, I want to know!

      • PWG said

        You have a sister?! Did we know you have a sister? Okay, stop and tell us all about her. If she drove you to pull a pistol on her once, I like her already. I can’t believe we had to drag a ton of information out of you ourselves when all we had to do is find your sister and she would’ve told us all the bad stories about you for free. I think she would love us and all the shit we give you. She can be our Alice.

      • Susanelle said

        She can be our Alice.

        Holy crow, is Jordan our Edward????

        ::OMG::

        Who is Jacob? CampbellD or Dawgz???

    • susanelle said

      We’re speechless (or perhaps temporarily unable to type) at your awesomeness. I would love to have a story about chasing someone with a knife.

      No one has ever made me that mad!!

      I did throw a pencil case with a drawing compass in it at my sister, and the point of the compass went through a hole in the corner of the cheap vinyl pencil case and actually lacerated her near the eye… so, like, I *meant* to throw the pencil case at her, but I didn’t mean to try to gouge her eye out… also I accidentally sprained her arm once… BUT: she pushed me down a long flight of stairs that ended at a cement floor when we were toddlers, so I never looked like the bad guy, ever.

      • Yeah, accidents don’t really count. When I was 3, my brother was chasing me and somehow I ended up diving face-first into the pointy corner of an end table. It missed my eye by centimeters. It did result in my wearing an eye patch for a while (which is strangely adorable on a 3-yr old ballerina), but being that my brother didn’t really mean to do that to me, all was forgiven and forgotten. I definitely have him to thank for my high pain tolerance, though.

        Plus, my brother always did more damage to himself than I ever could. He cut off the end of his own thumb on a swing set, put a deep sea fishing weight through his face, cracked his head open with a rock, etc, etc. My knife-wielding was the least of his worries.

      • cledbo said

        Knives are best kept far away even well into adulthood I’ve found.

        My partner, who was then my boyfriend, tried once to teach me to knife fight, using *real* knives (mistake #1) and told me not to flinch (mistake #2). Result is I now have a scar on my elbow where he clipped me with his extremely sharp throwing knife. Yeah, I’m a total spaz, and we’re a really….weird couple.

        The “How to kill someone using a 4 D-Cell Maglite” training went a lot better.

      • AmyAlmost said

        Cledbo – I got taught ‘close combat’ moves instead of knife moves from my husband. I told him I’d have better luck annoying someone to death. Your partner and my husband sound like they could totally lunch together.

      • PWG said

        Cledbo, if you ever marry this man and don’t invite me to the wedding I will be sooo disappointed. I fully expect tiger wrestling at the alter. At the very least.

      • tiffanized said

        You don’t need to have a wedding to host tiger wrestling. By the way, is tiger wrestling a style of wrestling involving only humans? Is it tigers wrestling with each other? Or human(s) wrestling tigers? Any way you slice it, a wedding isn’t the only venue for such a thing.

    • PWG said

      My brother once threw a ping pong paddle at my sister so hard it went through the 2x4s in the fence behind her. I just assumed trying to kill your siblings was totally normal. My 6-year old broke my 4-year old’s wrist and they weren’t even mad at each other, just playing Superhero Baby. Don’t ask.

      • MLF said

        cmon now! You can’t mention something as interesting as superhero baby and not explain. I am in suspense! Also that game sounds badass. Kudos to your kids

      • PWG said

        Ah yes, Superhero Baby. Wherein Child A (Instigator) lies down on the floor on his back with his legs up in the air, knees slightly bent. Child B (Gullible) runs as fast as he can toward his brother. When Gullible’s chest hits Instigator’s feet, Instigator shoves upward as hard as he can so Gullible goes flying, briefly becoming an airborne Superhero.

        Gravity took care of the rest.

      • MLF said

        omg. you need to video this asap

    • tiffanized said

      I threatened my brother with a knife because he was too close to the last pickle. I don’t fuck around where pickles are concerned.

  11. AmyAlmost said

    I didn’t know Rufus was gay, and now I do. If I have to Wainright, then I’m more of a Martha myself.

    I worked at Dunkin Donuts when they tried to open in Australia. People hated us. ‘$2 a donut are you crazy?’ they would say to us. Then Krispy Kreme came in and people lined up around the corner for opening day. The Scotish french chef guy who made the donut recipe for Dunkins’ here was much better. I would take home bags of donuts and deliver them to my neighbours who were all stoners, they thought I was heaven sent.

    It’s Friday – for me! And the mornings are finally fucking cold (sub-trops cold not New Jersey cold) and I love it. Question: What stereotype girl gets you every time? Mine is fireman, firies if you will. They get me everytime. I kind of hate myself for it because I’m not really a ‘rugged’ man type of girl in the least.

    • tiffanized said

      I didn’t know it was possible to not know Rufus Wainwright is gay.

    • I didn’t know he was gay either. I’ve only ever heard his music – never actually seen him or anything. May I just say that I love that you turned Wainright into a verb. I like Martha. Her song with Snow Patrol is a favorite of mine, even if “they” tried to sully it by using it in that preview for that damn Nicholas Sparks movie, Dear John.

  12. MLF said

    hmm questions. what’s the state bird of NJ?

    how fast can dogs run?

    who invented macaroni and cheese?

    why am I sick? and more importantly, who got me sick, so I can get revenge.

    • cledbo said

      Being sick must have impaired your ability to use Wikipedia.

      Hehehe.

      I kid, I kid! I’m getting sick too I think, it sucks. Plotting revenge is a fun way to pass the time.

  13. cledbo said

    I already asked you a question regarding the acceptable-ness of liking Ke$ha, a few days ago.

    Add to that my request that you elaborate on your sister-gun incident story, because obviously it had a happy ending right? Right?

    Ahem.

    What does the tattoo on your upper left arm say? It looks very pretty.

    Which I’m guessing isn’t the reaction you were looking for. But I stand by it!

  14. Michelle said

    I have seen a date planner that says “My goal is to replace my soul with coffee and become immortal” – want IT.

  15. amanda said

    have you ever seen the south park where they make a video game about chasing the dragon?
    excellent..

  16. Rachel said

    Do you, as a heterosexual man, find Will Arnett to be an attractive human being? I just feel like his appeal encompasses all gender/sexuality preferences. I think it’s the voice. Do you think it’s the voice?

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