This Week In Kristen Stewart Wants IT #22

April 16, 2010

Does anyone know/watch the show Mercy on NBC? If you do, you may give a flying fuck that they were filming right outside my apartment last night. They are filming all around the blocks surrounding my apartment in Jersey City. I’m not sure for how long considering I did not read the flyer they posted on Dawgz and I’s door.


Nevertheless, if you do watch Mercy and let’s say a year from now whenever this episode airs and there is a scene that takes place at night on a street where a guy and a girl are standing by a car that is double parked and a pick-up truck pulls up and an old man gets out and asks the young couple how they are doing and the guy from the young couple says they’re fine and then the girl from the young couple yells HEY WATCH OUT…. that’s directly outside my apartment and I was standing in my underwear watching them from my window and hoping they would get a great take, so they would pack up and leave immediately, so I could get some FUCKING SLEEP!

It didn’t take them long to film that bit – maybe 10 takes – but then the crew just milled about outside just jibber jabbering away. Thankfully, I have Ambien to knock me out.

If a hot girl that had just left your party promptly broke into your house and tried to “rape” you would you be scared or just go with it?

First, this scenario is the greatest. Unless there is some weird stuff involved in her version of sex then I’m going with it. Also, she does not need to break into my house. She could easily just knock on the door.

*knock knock*

“Oh hello there hot girl, what’s up?”

“I want to forcefully have sex with you.”


“I didn’t ask you a question.”

“I have a question, why are we still talking? Didn’t you mention having forceful sex with me? I could have sworn you said that. How about we just agree to disagree and while we’re doing that we walk over to my bedroom and get naked? Good plan?”

A) How am I going to train my boys to be cage fighters if the police keep arresting me for starting their training early? B) If I wait until they’re 8 and 10, do you think the police will go easier on me, and is that a worthwhile tradeoff for delaying the training? Everyone knows you have to force ballerinas to contort themselves from the age of fetus if they’re ever going to be any good. I think the same goes for the mixed martial arts. C) What the fuck’s in the Maine water that the Dad had to force a 6- and 4-year old to fight?

I wouldn’t worry about the laws of Maine invading the laws of other states. I think most of the US think of Maine as being a lost artifact from a time of French fur trappers (* or Kids in the Hall reference) like Newfoundland and Novascotia. Don’t people go to Maine for a weekend to eat fresh lobster and then remember you can get fresh lobster at a whole host of other areas in the world that are far better than boring ass Maine? Unless you are a fresh lobster tasting expert then you won’t notice the difference anyway.


More importantly, if you want to train your kids to be cagefighters or to just have those skills send them to Maine’s nearby buddy Massachusetts. They are pretty much raising fetuses to fight MMA nowadays. In all seriousness, there is an excellent MMA gym in Denver, Colorado called “Grudge Training Center”. Trevor Wittman will groom your boys to be beast-like knock out artists like Shane Carwin. Well, that probably has to do with genetics. Either way, Trevor Wittman is an excellent coach.

What would be the best thing about being a pirate?

Day drinking. That’s the best anything. Carrying guns and swords would be next.

How would you define a hipster?

I think the basic archetype of a hipster is an arrogant prick who only likes bands that no one else has heard of and when that band becomes famous then they hate them. The character of the hipster has grown, but I think that is original form – the homo habilis hipster if you will.

How many of those MuscleMag shots do you have, exactly? Consider my Friday question: what’s going on with those pictures? Were those chicks standing around with a line of guys behind them to take pictures like that? They look legitimately orgasmic at standing next to you. Did they pull off those faces for all the guys, were you first in line, are they cardboard cutouts, what?

I have 9. YES!


The entire Arnold event is referred to as the “Sports Festival”, but inside the “Sports Festival” is the “Fitness Expo”. The Expo is the main draw to that Arnold weekend. It is at the Columbus Convention Center. They knock down all the walls between these three grand halls, pretty much making an airplane hangar. Inside the airplane hangar they allow vendors to set up booths for whatever – energy drinks, weight gain formula, t-shirts, sports equipment, electromagnetic therapy et cetera.

One booth that stuck out more than the others was the booth. The idea was you could pose with two fitness models in front of a cardboard cut out cover and get high quality photos taken of you to look like you are on the cover on Muscle Magazine. It was fantastic. I think in total they had 6 different fitness models switching in and out after a few pictures each. Every guy (pretty much only guys got their pictures taken) that went up there got 3 pictures taken of them in various poses. You could pay to get those pictures on a t-shirt, magazine cover or whatever. Either way, if you gave them your email address then they would send you the pictures or picture. went through the pictures and selected which one they thought was the best and they sent you a link of it that is posted on their website.

I had three pictures taken. Dawgz had three pictures taken. And then… Dawgz and I posed together with two fitness models and had pictures taken. So amazing. I love these pictures. I cannot say more how great of a job the models and the photographer did. The quality of the photos are intense. Just by nerdy tech specs – an average picture I put up on this website is under 100 kb, meanwhile the raw pictures they sent us were all over 15 mb each. THAT IS INCREDIBLE. When opening the pictures in actual size on my computer, I would need at least two additional monitors to see the width of the picture.

Anyway, most of the pictures will be used on I will make sure to post links to that when they go up sooner than later. And while you are waiting for that, I suggest you go to this link…

Just add or subtract a single digit from the end of the URL address and you will be able to cycle through the pictures that took. They are all in-fucking-credible.

Aw, Jordan, how could you go out and thoughtlessly destroy your beautiful white skin, the skin that set you apart from all other men??? Why? WHY?

My skin is pretty much back to its usually paleness. Maybe a little pinker than normal. The sun may have won one battle, but my ultra whiteness will the war.

How wrong is it for a person such as myself, sitting here at my serious job in my serious pin-striped pants, drinking very serious green tea, to really truly like Ke$ha and her song instructing hot boys to shut up so she can have sex with them?

How wrong is it to find the line “Come put a little love in the glove box” absolutely hilarious, and be tempted to use this on one’s partner the next time one wants horizontal love? Whether or not one is in serious pin-striped pants, or behind a jukebox with a bottle of JD, at the time?

These two questions were confusing to me. What is supposed to be “wrong” in any of this? Not that I’m under the category “hot boys”, but it would be a relief not having to talk or be funny and still have some serious pin-striped pants or non-serious pin-striped pants female just take me somewhere and have sex with me. I mean isn’t that what the Bible was all about? Romans 3:69 – and then Ashley told Jezeriah to “shut up” as she shoved her hand between his thighs under his tunic and then her hand sojourned there turning lifeless skin into a rigid weapon and Ashley whispered unto Jezeriah “don’t talk and I’ll bang your brains out behind the Temple” and this is when Jezeriah saw the face of our Lord.”


How are you with insults? Do you take them personal when it’s in good jest?

Do you read the comments section on this site? There are some flattering comments, but I would say by-and-large most of the comments are at my expense and I haven’t deleted any of them or banned the commenter or found the commenter in real life and reflected sunlight off of my pale skin causing a solar flash that incinerates their house. So I can take a joke. As long as at the end of the day everyone does take a moment to reflect that I am a far greater human being than the rest of you then all “in good jest insults” are fine.

Do you, as a heterosexual man, find Will Arnett to be an attractive human being? I just feel like his appeal encompasses all gender/sexuality preferences. I think it’s the voice. Do you think it’s the voice?

I like Will Arnett as a friend. He does have a great voice, which is why he does a lot of commercial voice over work. Also, he is a big fan of Call of Duty Modern Warfare, which is the game that I play as well. So we’re practically soulmates. But he is a married man to a lovely funny woman and they have children together so please cease and desist with all kidnapping sex plans you have for him. Please relocate all those plans to Jersey City for me. Thank you.  


Thanks for the questions. I’m busy at work again. I hate work… I mean mork.


Have a great weekend.


15 Responses to “This Week In Kristen Stewart Wants IT #22”

  1. PWG said

    That Trachtenberg Complex picture is kind of amazing. Wouldn’t have gone with the blue carpet, but I can honestly say it took me a few minutes to even SEE the carpet.

  2. PWG said

    “What would be the best thing about being a pirate? Day drinking. That’s the best anything. Carrying guns and swords would be next.”

    As Tiffanized pointed out yesterday re: tiger wrestling, there’s no need to limit yourself merely to when you’re a pirate. Day drinking and sword-carrying always lead to hilarity in real life.

    Also, I approve of your Biblical quote. I don’t remember an Ashley in the Bible, but I trust you.

  3. I had planned to try and find the weirdest pic and pull a “DAWGZ?! IS THAT YOU?!” But aside from there being like 437,000 pictures to go through, trying to find the “weirdest” of them all would be like trying to label one of your common taters the most perverted…

    There’s this one, that looks like a Freddy Krueger inspired boy band.

    Then this one, with the winner of Least Likely To Have a Pierced Nipple.

    And finally, this one, with two children who I think are attempting to flex but are only succeeding in making the ‘jerk it’ motion.

    So, after looking through upwards of 300 very entertaining pictures, I’m just going to call it a day and get back to work…

  4. newtonandyorkiehavethebestlinesEVER said

    re: megadeth

    i have one word for you: Rust In Peace.

    if you’ve never listened to this cd you’re missing out.

  5. Lala said

    I remember that story about Ashley and Jezeriah. They had to teach us the most important biblical stories in Catholic School, and Ashley and Jezeriah were among them. Other important stories were those of Cathy and Emmanuel, and Valerie and Azariah. Yep.

  6. Susanelle said

    …found the commenter in real life and reflected sunlight off of my pale skin causing a solar flash that incinerates their house

    Lol, I can’t believe you’ve worked out a way to weaponize your skin.

    Wait… of course I can believe that, what am I saying.

    I actually think the science would work in your scenario. I think you could also just blind people on a hit-and-run basis if you had to, if there was no revenge factor or whatever.

  7. Cristalena said

    okay i’m sorry i just scrolled through the post but thanks for answering my questions.

    i just came back from the matinee showing of Kick Ass…holy fucking shit! best fucking movie of all time! EVER!

    ok. i’m done.
    i’ll go back now and read the post.

  8. MLF said

    two things- A-now I want thin mints

    B- omfg michelle is the hottest creature to ever walk this planet. those blue eyes are like weapons of mass destruction.

  9. cledbo said

    I found out this morning that Orianthi is from the city I’m currently hating living in. So there you go.

    And thank you for clearing up that you want to have sex with ladies. I was more interested in whether liking Ke$ha was detrimental to my serious seriousness. Because I’m so totally serious absolutely everywhere, all the time. Except here.

    MTrach is rivalling you for nuclear whiteness in that Complex pic. Blinded by the white!

  10. amanda said

    Buffy is my fucking show. if i had to pick one show only to watch for the rest of my life, it would be Buffy hands down. SMG fucking kicks ass. plus she kinda wants it a little, maybe we should have a post about her sometime in the near future?

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