You Will Eat, Sleep And Shit Competition. – Coach Couzo

April 19, 2010

And we’re back from our 72 hour commercial break.

Outside of sleeping or lying in my bed pretending like I was sleeping, I spent my waking hours this weekend doing 1 of these 5 activities: Kick-Ass, editing, Strikeforce, NBA playoffs, and Best of the Best. Let’s see if we can make this into a sentence:

Kick ass editing, Strikeforce; NBA playoffs best of the best.

NBA playoffs kick ass; Strikeforce editing best of the best.

Best of the best editing? Strikeforce? NBA Playoffs? Kick-Ass?

Kick ass, NBA Playoffs! Strikeforce – best of the best! EDITING!?!



I thoroughly enjoyed Kick-Ass as I thoroughly expected to. If you wander the internet like me then you would know that almost 20 minutes of Kick-Ass is online for free legally. And not 20 minutes of random scenes, but 20 minutes of a lot of big plotty scenes. I really do not like that they do this, but if you are worried about seeing a movie and not liking it – you might want to check online first because a chunk of it could be online. If you don’t like that chunk then you probably won’t like the movie.


The movie is good. Real good. The casting is excellent. Both Aaron Johnson and Christopher Mintz-Pease do good jobs being nerds turned superheroes. I’m pretty sure everyone has seen the overwhelming adoration people online are pouring onto Chloe Moretz for her performance as “Hit-Girl”. Nic Cage is great as “Hit-Girl’s” mentor/father “Big Daddy”. And last, but not least, Mark Strong does a solid job again being the bad guy. Mark has played a villainous all powerful character with little to no back story in a ton of movies now (and will continue to) and he handles it very well. He’s tall, powerful voice, and can do that intense stare. Apparently, that is all we need from him because I really cannot think of too many movies he has been in where they spend a second on his back story. We pretty much just accept he is dude we don’t want to fuck with and we move on from there. Works for me.

I really don’t want to spoil anything for people who haven’t seen it. This morning I got up really early. I created a macro and then fed the screenplay into the macro and that macro will censor any spoilers from this following paragraph, so MACRO ENGAGE:

The ________ in the movie were fucking excellent! I loved any ____ that just allowed _____ to run ____. The first time we see _____ leaves an indelible impression on the viewers. It is an ______ moment when _____ is in the _____  _______ __________ and we now realize that _______ is going to ______. He is not going to be able to _______ _____ ______. He is not going to _______. And right when he is about to get ______ on the ______ by the _____ _______, that ______ runs _____ him and we are introduced to ______. ____ then proceeds to ____ ______ the people in the _______ with insane violence. Although the music and the _____ on ____ face and everything points towards _____, the reaction of _______ being positively _____ to _____ is really what our reaction is. Imagine seeing half a dozen _____ being _______ with katanas! But that was not my favorite _____ in the movie. My favorite _____ would have to have been when ____ ______ tears through the _____ _______ like a ______. Plus the 28 Days Later music in the background worked _______.


So, print that out and fill it in like Mad Libs. Remember those? Remember how entertained we were by those? What stupid people we all were prior to the internet. Also, I have no idea what a macro is or how to make one nor do I ever want to learn. MACRO! GO!


Strikeforce is another cagefighting MMA organization and they had a show on CBS on Saturday night. You may have noticed the disgraceful headlines and articles that are all over the internet about it. Everyone is getting awfully high and mighty on themselves that there was a bit of a post-fight fight between professional FIGHTERS at a professional FIGHTING event. Oh my word! Can you believe those men fought each other with their fists after those other men just got done fighting each other with their fists!?! It is simply unheard of and dreadful! Well, I have never seen two athletes or more when tensions are high ever come to blows in any sporting event ever! It is just disgraceful and unruly and brutish!

The event was descent. The fights were all pretty enjoyable. There were 3 title defenses and each one went to a decision – that is 5 rounds of 5 minutes each. So they were long fights, but I think they were pretty good fights for what they were. It really highlighted how much endurance is a factor in MMA. But what people are focusing on is the post fight brawl: Jason “Mayhem” Miller vs. Jake Shields and Shields’ fight camp. The fracas began during Shields’ post-fight interview immediately after he just won his fight versus Dan Henderson. Shields was being interviewed about his successful title defense victory about 5 seconds earlier over Dan Henderson when Miller, who had won earlier on the card and who lost to Shields last year in a title fight, enters the cage and seemingly jokingly walks up to Shields and asks him for a rematch. This is immediately met with shoving and then the Cesar Gracie Jiu-Jitsu fight team jumping Miller and pouncing on him like a bar brawl. This fight team is comprised of Strikeforce Lightweight Champion Gilbert Melendez, Strikeforce Welterweight Champion Nick Diaz, Strikeforce Middleweight Champion Jake Shields, UFC lightweight/Ultimate Fighter season 5 winner Nate Diaz and assorted other trainers/coaches. So, that must’ve sucked to have been jumped by them because they all know how to fight pretty fucking well.

This is how the whole thing went down from my perspective. The 5th and final round ends. Jake Shields obviously won rounds 2, 3, 4, and 5, so he’ll win the decision. I have been drinking beer for the past 3 hours, so I need to piss. I get up and walk to the bathroom. I can still hear the TV playing in the bathroom. I’m still peeing when I hear the start of the interview with Shields. I hear the audio drop for a second, which is followed by a “when is my rematch?” and then I hear nothing. In mid stream I think, those dudes are fighting right now. I don’t know who said “when is my rematch?”, but that guy is now fighting the Diazes, Shields, Melendez and the rest of Cesar Gracie’s team. I finish and rush out of the bathroom and catch the tail end of the brawl. “I knew it”, I exclaim. I then went back into the bathroom to wash my hands because I’m an evolved humanoid creature. I then hit rewind on my DVR and watch/rewatch the brawl 100 times.

My thoughts? Who cares? It looks pretty unprofessional, sure. But outside of that it really isn’t too big of a deal. If someone got hurt during it then it would be a lot worse. Brawls happen in sports. They happen pretty regularly in baseball and hockey. They happen a little less than regularly in basketball, but funny enough there was a little bit of a brawl in the Celtics NBA playoffs game earlier that day where Kevin Garnett was suspended for one game for throwing an elbow. And football is more or less a designed brawl.

I don’t like the post-fight interviews and I don’t like other fighters getting into the cage to demand rematches. First and foremost, Jason “Mayhem” Miller doesn’t even deserve a rematch! I like Miller a lot, but he lost to Shields and it was not a controversial loss either. That fight was near the end of last year and Shields won pretty resoundingly. Since then, Miller won one fight and that was the fight that took place earlier that night against a pretty no name opponent. So shame on Miller for thinking he deserves a rematch.

Also, shame on Miller for willingly playing with fire. There is one thing even the most casual MMA fan knows and that is “the Diazes take this shit personally”. This is not fun and games. If they are fighting you; they do not like you. They operate on an “us vs. the world” policy. This is not the first time there has been a Diaz brawl on a card like this. After, Nick Diaz lost to KJ Noons there was a similar brawl. Some guys take this shit personally and you should avoid taunting them in any respect. Jake Shields, Gilbert Melendez and the Diazes are all close like brothers and people should avoid fucking with them in any respect unless they are ready to fight them… all of them. Similarly, that’s why the Celtics/Heat had a pseudo brawl during the day too- Kevin Garnett from the Boston Celtics takes this shit personally. And guess what? Udonis Haslem from the Miami Heat also takes this shit personally. Add that together and you get some fisticuffs. I don’t think right or wrong has too much to do with this; you just need to know who you are dealing with. Either way, I still like all the fighters involved in the brawl.

Best of the Best

At some point early Sunday morning, the epic 80’s classic Best of the Best was brought up between Dawgz and I. Once mentioned, I promptly looked up its availability on Netflix’s instant watching apparatus. The stars, Heaven, God, Jesus, Bo Jackson and Bo Derek all aligned and yes it was available. That is when Dawgz and I watched Best of the Best from beginning to end. IT WAS GLORIOUS!

It had been several years since Dawgz or I had sat through Best of the Best from beginning to end in an unedited fashion. If you have never seen Best of the Best then your life is HELL in comparison to what jubilance your life will be after viewing this fine film. Why? Why you ask? Why you ask about the glory of Best of the Best?

The martial arts action in the movie is exceptional. I will say that. Even though no one agrees in the movie whether or not they are fighting karate or taekwondo or why is it just the USA versus Korea or why they receive gold medals for this or why it seems that the USA guys have never trained a day in their lives or what crazy amalgamation of fighting styles Eric Roberts is doing or why the tie-breaks in these fights are concrete brick breaking competitions or why the USA team has never tried brick breaking ever in their lives or … or … or… because all of this is utter genius – but the reason why all must watch this movie is for the sensational performance of two individuals:

1. Eric Roberts.

2. Eric Roberts’ hair!

Oh God! Eric Roberts’ hair is phenomenal in Best of the Best. He looks like a lion! A lion with very well manicured and oddly oily flowing hair. Whether his hair is all pulled back in a slick pony tail or half of it is pulled back in a pony tail which rests upon the extravagant excess hair that rests on his shoulders and neck or it is just let free and allowed to run wild in the wind – IT IS MAGNIFICENT!

Eric Roberts’ acting in the movie is amazing as well. The thing that I love about 80’s movies is that they were not in on the joke. The John Hughes-esque romantic comedies or The Karate Kid-esque teen action movies or the adult action movies like Predator ­– no one told anyone who made these movies that they were supposed to be silly and fun. Nowadays, our films and the filmmakers are way too self aware. They are in on the joke that everything isn’t serious and they make films that way. They have some dinky script about a young kid in a new town and he is beat up by a bully on his first day and then he ends up facing off with the bully at the end of the movie to win the girl’s heart. Nowadays, when they make this script into a movie they don’t take it seriously. They treat it like it is stupid and they make it carelessly and quickly with little to no respect to the source material.

The reason why 80’s movies stick out and will continue to be great is because no one told them that this stuff isn’t serious. Best of the Best is fucking serious. Top Gun is serious. Predator is serious. Die Hard is serious. Conan the Barbarian is serious. The Karate Kid is serious. No one ever mentioned to these directors or actors that they were not trying to remake The Godfather. If you watch Best of the Best you will notice Eric Roberts is giving it his fucking all out there. He is getting really heavy with emotions, he is physically trying his hardest in the action scenes and it works. They were not cynical in the 80’s that the movies they were making were supposed to cheap and fun. The Breakfast Club has been on one of the movie channels a lot recently and it still is amazing. Why? Because they think they’re making an Oscar winning movie. Emilio Estevez is fucking killing it in that movie. When Emilio is giving the monologue about taping that nerdy kid’s, Larry Lester’s, buns together – at no point did anyone tell Emilio that he shouldn’t be trying to outdo Marlon Brando in this scene. I mean it is fucking epic.

“Andrew! You’ve got to be number one! I won’t tolerate any losers in this family! You’re intensity is for shit! Win! Win! Win!” You son of a bitch. You know, sometimes I wish my knee would give. And I wouldn’t be able to wrestle anymore. And he could forget all about me.

That’s what separates those movies from a lot of the shit nowadays that should fall into the same genre. They were trying to prove something with these movies instead of just mailing it in as frivolous entertainment. Also, I blame MTV for the downfall of TV and movies geared toward the younger generations of the world. I blame MTV for a lot of things – shitty camerawork, shitty production, the spread of AIDS in Africa, Ja Rule, the 2000 US Presidential election, Carson Daly, and whatever is happening in Iceland with the volcanic ash and glaciers melting or whatever. MTV is always to blame.


17 Responses to “You Will Eat, Sleep And Shit Competition. – Coach Couzo”

  1. Susanelle said

    The beginning of this post now seems a long time ago and far away, but it reminded me of:

    What is this thing called? Love?
    “What is this thing?” called Love.
    What??!! Is this thing called “love”?
    What is this, Thing-Called-Love?

    • And now your comment reminded me of “I Believe In A Thing Called Love” by The Darkness. So now that’ll be stuck in my head for the next several hours…

      • Susanelle said

        Sorry, babé!

        Hum a few bars of “Mr. Sandman” — it is guaranteed to eradicate earworms.

        Course, then you are stuck with “Mr. Sandman” as an earworm, but if you do the Puppini Sisters version , you won’t need coffee, or any stimulants at all, for the rest of the week.

      • MLF said

        OMG I forgot about that song

      • tiffanized said

        Susanelle, I thought you were talking about Metallica’s “Enter Sandman”, and now that is stuck in my head. I hear it all the time because it is Virginia Tech’s unoffical fight song or something and I work with a ton of VT graduates. They also jump around a lot when the song comes on. (This comment can also be filed under Jordan and HB’s convo about stupid co-workers.)

      • Susanelle said

        I thought you were talking about Metallica’s “Enter Sandman”, and now that is stuck in my head.

        I’m sorry! Like, REALLY sorry.

        Also, I can’t believe that’s Virginia Tech’s fight song.

        Wait, of course I can believe it. o_O

  2. PWG said

    Let me just hijack your sports column here to talk about the NHL for a minute. Feel free to skip this comment entirely, I just need to rant about it all day anywhere I can. The San Jose Sharks franchise was founded in 1991. Before 1991 I hadn’t seen more than 90 seconds of a hockey game that wasn’t in a Disney movie. I’ve probably seen about 2,700 games since then. San Jose’s used to being the bastard red-headed stepchild of San Francisco, so we were pretty excited about getting our own major franchise. The locals took to the sport with an obsessive attention to stats and rules that only Silicon Valley geeks could muster. We sold out every single game for I think 13 years until the lockout year.

    Our franchise became known for two things: discovering and nurturing world-class goalies, and choking so fucking hard in the playoffs. In 18 seasons we made the playoffs 13 times. Our names are not on the Stanley Cup.

    This year we’re 1st in the Western Conference. The Colorado Avalanche are the 8th seed. It’s been a good first round: we lost the first game, won the second in overtime after outshooting them 52 to 22. Their goalie is like a fucking forcefield. Last night I got tickets to see Game 3 in person. It’s bad enough to wear the opposing team jersey at a playoff game, but it kept getting more and more tense in the crowd the longer no one scored. Score was 0 to 0 at the end of regulation play. One minute into overtime, the puck’s in the San Jose goal end. Our goalie is guarding the net, and he has a few Sharks in front of him helping out. Our defenseman got the puck and tried to sweep it around behind the net and FUCKING SCORED A GOAL ON HIS OWN TEAM. Oddly, our goalie (who’d managed to maintain a shutout for 60 minutes) wasn’t expecting to have to defend his net against his OWN TEAMMATE and let it in. We out-shot them 4 to 1, and then scored the only goal of the game on ourselves.

    Today the headlines say things like, “Are the San Jose Sharks cursed?” And I can’t talk because I was shouting so much last night that my voice is gone today. I’m in hockey-induced depression.

  3. All I wanted to do was crack a lame joke about Mad-Libs and you crushed my dream by making it yourself. That’s about as on-topic a contribution as I can muster today, since I haven’t seen Kick-Ass, don’t watch MMA, hate basketball, and had never even heard of Best of the Best until 5 minutes ago. I had to google Eric Roberts. I just wanted to see his 80’s hair, but the second picture was of him in his underwear and I got distracted. I never ended up seeing his hair.

    • kristenstewartwantsit said

      Work is very odd. It just is. I was given a bottle of Puerto Rican Rum today. That goes up on the odd column. It is a positive odd column thing, but certainly odd. Also there are a whole lot of people on the floor today who don’t belong here. Recently people have been using our conference rooms now that we are scheduled to leave and the rooms are not ours anymore. That’s odd. Its been boring today outside of that. I did give a man directions to find something on our floor. I told him what he was looking for was on the complete opposite side of the floor at the other end. He then told me he had been to about the middle of the floor, but didn’t see anything so he turned around. I just looked at him and shrugged and repeated “well, that’s probably because it is at the end of the floor and not the middle.” Then he looked at me like I was lying to him or that there was no “other end” of the floor – that the floor just stops halfway through. For a minute there he looked at me like I was an explorer from the 1400’s trying to explain to him that the end of Earth is not at the horizon line.

      Blue pinstripe suit, white shirt with light blue stripes.

      • Well, Christopher Columbus, I’ll see your wandering idiot and raise you an illiterate moron: I just had to explain to a coworker that dd/mm/yyyy date format meant date/month/year, and not month/date/year. So awesome.

        Nobody’s given me rum. AND, my so-called friends went to Dunkin Donuts and didn’t invite me. TRAITORS. They’re all dead to me. Today is bullshit.

        I’m wearing pinstripes too. Aren’t we the coolest.

      • tiffanized said

        I’m wearing frustrating pants with no pinstripes. They are frustrating because they have a lot of fake pockets. They are sort of like cargo pants, except the fauxpockets are just flat pieces of material sewn on with flaps on top that can’t hold anything. I’m like, if you’re going to go through that much effort to make them look like pockets, why not just make them actual pockets? I could keep my motherlovin gum in there or something.

  4. tiffanized said

    I can’t read your post today. I’ve tried like four times, and I just can’t get through it. I think it’s because you’re talking about a lot of stuff that I don’t know about, so my eyes are doing that “glazing over” thing that people’s eyes do when other people talk about stuff that’s over their heads. Your post is over my head*.

    I liked your grammar play at the beginning of the post. It reminded me of badass turkey Rambo day. Every time I see something that is badass, turkey or Rambo related, I yell “Badass turkey, Rambo!” or “Badass! Turkey Rambo!” for that time on Thanksgiving where I built a mercenary out of turkey. I’m sorry; that never happened. I don’t know why I’m a liar today. I still can’t imagine that “Kick ass, NBA Playoffs! Strikeforce – best of the best! EDITING!?!” is going to become a regularly scheduled saying of mine.

    Lastly, I read that Nicholas Cage bought a pyramid to use as a mausoleum or something when he dies. I don’t get why people worry so much about their bodies after death. When I did my will, I told my mom I wanted to be donated to science, to be one of the bodies that they leave to rot in the woods for research, and she freaked out. My second choice was “cremation, no funeral” and she said, “We’ll just see,” with a knowing smile. Like she’s going to surprise me with a coffin and a big funeral. I’ll be DEAD. Don’t waste money on a show unless you’re going to charge admission. Hopefully my kids will be the ones to handle me once I die. They know that funeral costs = less inheritance. I’ll be lucky if they don’t throw my corpse into an old well. On this note, Jordan, a question for Friday: what are your preferences for your final accommodations?

  5. CamboD said

    God I want to see Kick Ass. Insert joke about how kickass it is/will be.

  6. Crystal said

    Face Punch.

    • MLF said

      I am so glad someone said that…everytime I see Kick-Ass I’m just like…..we all laughed at face punch. we all said what a stupid name it was, like, really? that was the best they could do? and then Kick-Ass…I mean I’m not saying it’s a bad name by any means but is that really all they could come up with?

  7. aneira said

    yeah everyone who saw it fuckin loved it. im gonna see it friday, i believe, and im pretty stoked.

  8. cledbo said

    I saw Kick-Ass. And it was.
    I was very pleased they kept the kids-get-the-fuck-out rating, because not getting to see a guy be killed by an industrial microwave would have really upset me.

    And even though it is kind of Chris Hansen creepy, I’m still going to the upcoming Movie Characters Costume Party at Mr Cledbo’s work as Hit-Girl. If I have a daughter, she will be her role model. Except without the whole actually stabbing junkies in the chest part. Butterfly knives are flashy but useless as well.

    Aaaaanyway, back to the frustration that is dealing with BANKS who I’m giving hundreds of thousands of DOLLARS and can’t seem to get their SHIT together. Fuckers.

    I have not seen Best of the Best, but I do completely agree with your 80s movie deconstruction. Better Off Dead? No way they could make that movie now without fucking it up.

    Have to go eat now before I pass out. I’ll be back.

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