Was It 80’s Night At The Country Music Awards?

April 20, 2010

I spent last evening watching two things: “The King” Lebron James grace the world with his demi-Godness and I watched Jack Bauer smack around some women on 24. Both were highly entertaining. Lebreezius’ ability to shoot high arching jump shots where I believe even ball itself becomes self aware and wants to go in the hoop. And the firm backhand or multiple backhands from a smug Jack Bauer while taking some pretty blonde to task for being a terrorist. I LOVE TV!

After both, the Flying Lebrons of Cleveland, Ohio and Jack “I told you twice” Bauer, were done for the evening, I began perusing online. At that time, one of the top stories on Yahoo! was the “red carpet report card” from Yahoo’s sister entertainment site “omg!”. The red carpet was for the “Academy of Country Music Awards”. The article beckoned me with promises of Carrie Underwood and Taylor Swift pictures, so I gladly clicked on the link. The article did not disappoint. There certainly were pictures of Carrie and Taylor, but I was woefully unprepared for the rest of the pictures. Let me repeat WOEFULLY! WOE-FULLY! FULLY OF WOE!

Please remember these pictures you are about to see are from a “country” music event.

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Ahhh Carrie. Carrie Underwood. Under the wood and over the tree, please Carrie come and find me. Carrie looks great. Pretty simple dress. She’s showing a little big of legs, but nothing distasteful. It’s a nice summer outfit. She’s smiling, we’re smiling. Everyone is smiling.

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And with the power of Andruil I will slay the orc horde, my fair princess of Lindon!

Supposedly, Taylor Swift is from Pennsylvania. And by “Pennsylvania” I mean a sacred realm from an ancient type of magic and where dragons dictated law and lorded over the weak. Until one day! When a wood worker’s wife gave birth to a fair hair child with ethereal beauty. And it was found by the great wizards of Vazereeth that she was the child of the prochecy. Her beauty would command the wild animals of the forest…

Taylor Swift is just outworldly.

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And there were other hot chicks there. This gallery is already granting me pleasant surprises. Here we have Jewel and some other chick. Jewel looks hot as always. She should get some award for continuing to be the same hot she has been since I was in high school. That song about who is saving my soul came out like 100 years ago and she still looks like… her. A lot of other celebrities have not been able to pull that magic trick off.

The other chick I think is from Sugarland. I think I read that. I also don’t care enough to go back and check again. She’s pretty, she looks pretty sexy in the dress. I wouldn’t guess from what any of these women are wearing that this is a “country” event, but that’s kind of being a little too cynical. They’re good looking chicks and they’re getting dressed up and that transcends whatever type of event it is for.

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REBA! REE-BAH! REB-BUH!

March 28, 1955 – Hold on for 5 more years, Reba!

And here is when it starts to take a turn…

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Hmmmm… “Country”? Country music? Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban, fair enough. Am I the only one that thinks this looks very 80’s? Nicole is wearing what seems like a short body suit dress with a little white alien is attacking her chest, but she is fine with it. Also, her shoes to me seem like something right out of a late 80’s Madonna movie, so “hooker shoes”. Keith is wearing a suit, sure. The pants are pretty tight. The thing that makes him look 80’s is the skinny tie. I thought country guys wore “bolo ties”. And then of course his hair is of the “back-up guitarist for Bon Jovi” style which is classic country.

But in the end, they’re foreigners. And as we all know, foreigners are nuts. These two foreigners are from the great mysterious islands of New Zealand and Australia – so we can’t judge them for being a little crazy, can we?

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And here we have the first couple of country music, Faith Hill and Tim McGraw. Nothing says country like a leather cowboy hat, designer skin tight jeans and a v-neck shirt. Faith? I’m not really sure what’s going on with her, but she looks better belting out the NFL’s Sunday Night Football theme song. Although to be fair, everything is better with that song blairing. Everything! 

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Gretchen Wilson looks perfect. She looks like she is about to get tore up at a bar. Her man? I don’t know who he is, but that jacket is the GAUDIEST jacket. If that thing didn’t cost at least $800 then I don’t know what. His handle bar mustache is phenomenally manicured. As if he pays a man just to maintain the straight lines on the ‘stache. So country, right? That sounds exceedingly blue collar, right?

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FUCK! What the fuck!?! I LOVE THIS PICTURE! Everything about this picture is wonderful. This is a wonderful picture. A picture full of wonder. The longer I look at this picture the more unsure I am about which one of these guys is the most ridiculous. The guy on the left is part 80’s rocker boy band, part Civil War general. The guy in the middle is a whole lot of Greenwich Village sass, and the guy on the right is just GLORIOUS! I could not even venture to guess what his jacket is made of – maybe God’s tears woven into a fabric of hopes and dreams!

The fact that these three men exist on the planet is absurd. The fact they exist in this picture together is even more absurd. The fact that they are in some affliated with being a country music act is AB-FUCKING-SURD!

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I hate work. So much work to do. You would think when you quit a job that you wouldn’t have much work to do, but surprisingly I’ve never been busier. Unreal. So everything from here on out will have to be “lightning round”.

First words that come to my mind when seeing this picture:

Jezebel

Harlot

She seems nice though.

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Billy Bush with black hair.

HOW IS THIS COUNTRY?

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Randy Travis looks more confused than I am about these pictures. Also, he is wearing a black suit, black tie, white shirt like a NORMAL person. And omg! actually made fun of him for his attire. He looks like a human being and not like some 80’s Mod at a country music awards show.

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I cannot say a bad word about Darius Rucker. He gave the world “Hootie and the Blowfish” and we will never be able to repay him for that no matter how hard we try.

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Yeah, why not? Not a singer. Never been. His wife is Brazilian, but why not? Just get Matthew McConaughey here.

Hey, Matt? What are you up to tonight? Want to go to an awards show?

Can I bring my smoking hot Brazilian wife?

Sure.

Alright alright alright.

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Why the hell not, am I right?

I love Kristen Bell. Ladies Love Cool J? Why the fuck not?

Also, every person I know who has met LL Cool J (which has been a few) say he is a great man. A great hu-man. Just a great human being.

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Olympic skier Lyndsey Vonn? Why not? No one told Ms. Vonn her 15 minutes of fame are up. But why not keep it going. Go for 18 minutes.

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Yes! So country! Whew, this guy right here couldn’t be any more country than if he was smothered in cooking oil, fried up, covered gravy, with a hunk of cornbread with a melted butter and now I’m just hungry.

This guy’s name is Joey Nichols I think. Or something similar. Ay yo! Joey Nickels! Where’s Tommy Dimes and Randy Quarters? You know who I haven’t seen in a minute? Leeroy Halfdollar! Wooooweee! Did me and Leeroy Halfdollar used to get in some messes back in the day!?!

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So country! This guy looks like a fucking American Idol reject and I bet his music also sounds that way.

And I have nothing bad to say to the golden thighed Adonis. I bet that thigh has super powers. If she concentrated hard enough I think that thigh could send us all back in time!

Thank God I only have a few pictures left because I need to get back to burning books.

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BIG KENNY! YEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

omg! gave Big Kenny a “D”. omg! is fucking retarded. This man is glorious right here. I have no idea who he is or what he does, but he is killing it right here. This guy is dressed like that and he still has a lady by his side.

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Yes. Just yes. Again, no clue who this woman is? She looks amazing. She looks straight out of the cocaine crazy New York City 80’s party scene from Crocodile Dundee II – I believe. I love the cut out in her dress. It is like a window to her sou… boobs. And nothing is better than that. And her legs like they were smelted.  

And finally…

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BOOM! FUCKING BOOM!

Cowboy Troy! The only motherfucker who actually looks country… well Gretchen looked pretty “country”. Cowboy boots, jeans, huge gaudy ass belt buckle. tasteful jacket and shirt, big ass cowboy hat and a motherfucking shit eating grin flashing the hook’em horns.

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27 Responses to “Was It 80’s Night At The Country Music Awards?”

  1. Susanelle said

    Wow, well done. You should do red-carpet shows all the time. I am so sick of “that’s a Proenza Shouler with Louboutin pumps”… I want more gravy-and-biscuit metaphors.

    BUT — that’s not a handlebar mustache… that, I believe, is a Fu Manchu. Here’s a handlebar mustache (warning: do not imagine with gravy and biscuits): http://blogity-blah-blah-blog.blogspot.com/2009/11/mouth-brow.html See? it has things sticking out to the side to hold onto, like your bike does.

    • PWG said

      “it has things sticking out to the side to hold onto” I thought those were called ears, hey-o.

      I also immediately think of Rollie Fingers when I hear “handlebar moustache.” That thing John Rich is sporting up there makes him look like a Christmas nutcracker soldier.

      Most comments today brought to you by the letters P, W and G.

  2. tiffanized said

    Gretchen Wilson looks like a hard bitch. The kind you don’t want to think that you hit on her man at a Willie Nelson concert. That look she’s giving in the picture makes me feel like I got punched in the head.

  3. PWG said

    Backupbackupbackup. You quit your job? I recall several comments about your company being sold, new dress code, yadda yadda. This is the first time I’ve seen “quit your job.” And sure, I’m concerned about your livelihood (the spelling of that word is ridiculous, I had to look it up twice) and how you’re going to afford beer and suits, and all. But I think you know what our collective primary concern is. Reassure us.

    • Lala said

      Yeah, it got me worried too. Was that a random comment about nothing in particular or did you really quit your job?

      • raven said

        What’s up with that? Casually slipping that in there in between snarky comments like it’s no big deal. Are you just checking to see if we are paying attention? You have some ‘splaining to do.

    • tiffanized said

      When I read that I thought for some reason that the girl in the picture quit her job. Whether or not that made sense didn’t make it into the transaction.

    • Freya said

      I thought I was the only one surprised by that comment! What happened to mork? And, generally I’m morally opposed to burning books, but does it pay well? I could sell out…

    • I can’t believe I got 3 whole comments in before someone said something. I got hung up on that sentence for a few mins. That right there is definitive proof of Jordan being a tease.

      If this is our dear Kay Swidge’s swan song, I nominate PWG to grab the reins and keep this boat afloat. I’m aware I’ve mixed my cliches or metaphors or whatever that is right there. I also don’t care. My brain is mush after 4 1/2 hours of meetings. My main concern right now is that I still have a place to waste half my afternoon propositioning people for scissor-fests.

      • PWG said

        Hold me. I’m scared.

        Also, I’d like to thank The Academy – I went away for almost 8 or 9 seconds today, and look at the love I get. I wish I were as smart, funny and prolific as Jordan. For starters, I’m lacking the Jesuit education and kick-ass MS Paint skills. Of the two of us, I do have the better rack. I’d say we’re neck and neck on cursing volume, and I concede he’s slightly paler. I’m a better speller, but he has suits, tattoos, Dawgz, corned-beef cooking skills, a 12-inch reach advantage (with his ARMS), and most importantly, proximity to HB. For the finding and banging.

      • Susanelle said

        Are they finding and banging though???

        That is the moment I am waiting for.

        I feel like it will be a cataclysmic paradigm shift.

        It might also be a jump-the-shark moment.

        If it happened already, then they are two cool customers, but I don’t theeeenk so.

      • PWG said

        Well I wasn’t trying to imply that, but she has panda ears and they’re irresistible. That’s all I’m saying.

      • True: I have panda ears.
        False: they’re irresistible.

  4. PWG said

    I confess, I knew who all of those people were before I read the comments, except for one of the hot blondes. I love Randy Travis, but he looks like Charon on the effing River Styx. I find it hard to imagine him with Julia Roberts. I’m kidding, that was Lyle Lovett. But they both scare me with their long heads and tall hair.

    • Susanelle said

      Lol, good eye Peege. They DO look alike now. Huh.

      Can a guy make a livelihood as a Lyle Lovett lookalike?

      God, I would love to hear Tom Brokaw say that sentence ten times.

  5. PWG said

    I’m intrigued by Taylor Swift’s dress and the ice skater netting at the top holding the whole thing up. Maybe it’s because I’m female, but I think that’s a better idea than strictly trying to hold the whole thing up with your breasts alone.

    Looks like Jennifer Nettles took the Silver. Good for her.

  6. PWG said

    What happens if Faith Hill lifts her arms to reach for something high up, or hug somebody? I think we’d get sideboob and a half.

    I like your interpretation of the Rascal Flatts’ dude’s jacket. I was thinking it looked like the Matrix. That’s not a good name for a band by any stretch of the imagination. Makes me think of HB’s grandparents’ scooter. I call them “Balls in a Vise” instead, because that’s what Matrix Man’s yowls sound like to me.

  7. PWG said

    I like Miranda Lambert a lot. She writes music about shootin’ people and burning things, not big on the whole sappy ballad thing. But that dress makes her breasts look like they’re trying to get away from each other. I feel like grabbing them and putting them closer together, in a totally non-gay way.

  8. Well, now I’m just confused. I have a cowboy/cowgirl-themed birthday party and chili cook-off to attend in two weeks. I thought plaid, jeans, and a cowboy hat would be a good enough costume, but now I wonder if I should go out and buy a gown. Or at the very least, a shiny shiny shiny blazer.

    I don’t know how Nicole Kidman does it. She’s not so gargantuan that she couldn’t find men taller than her, yet she’s always with little men. I mean, she’s got about a half inch on me. And yeah, I have trouble finding guys that are tall enough. But she’s MOTHERFUCKING NICOLE KIDMAN. I’m convinced it means she wears the pants in the relationship and that she’s controlling. I’m also convinced she probably cradles Keith at night in her arms like a manchild.

    I don’t think Taylor Swift is hot. There, I said it. She seems perfectly nice, but I just can’t get on the hot train… LL Cool J, on the other hand, is delicious. But I’m pretty sure they can’t be compared…

  9. AmyAlmost said

    Keith Urban went to my high school, years before I was there but still… someone from my high school married Nicole Kidman. It just doesn’t make sense.

  10. amanda said

    if you think about it.. there are only 4 different outfits available to country stars.
    1. the flowy gown. (ughh taylor swift is such a talentless poser whose continual obsession with fairy tails concerns me.) (shes 20 years old and can only write about about fairy tales. why does this perturb no no one else?)
    2. the skanky cocktail dress. (a trophy wife classic)
    3. dark suit with a western twist.
    4. tacky suit with a disturbing about of mismatched items .
    and how do we go from gowns to jeans?!?

    think about it.
    …alright.

    • kristenstewartwantsit said

      Your words, Amanda, ripple in the pacifying waters of inequity. They flutter along like butterflies trying not to drown. Such beauty, such color, but my bleak black and white text is cementing them in to their fatal finale. I will say all of this is sponsored by man’s perfect design : Ambien and with them their hallucinations.

      I need sleep. You all do. Rest for tomorrow will require your full strength as always.

  11. cledbo said

    That was fun. Usually my only exposure to country music is when ‘Save a horse, ride a cowboy’ comes on the radio.

    I hope if you did quit your yob as you alluded to, that you find/have a much better, more fulfilling type of mork soon.
    But not one that prevents you from satiating my need for funny and Want once each weekday.

    A girl has needs you know*. Beyond Op:F&S/B of course.

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