There Is Nothing To See Here – Move Along

April 28, 2010

I am running on empty right now. It may sound ridiculous, but I don’t think I have the energy to look up pictures, save them, re-size them, upload them and then post them. Oh God it is tiring just writing that out. I feel winded just imagining doing that. I’m losing electrolytes. I need protein and carbohydrates. I need a gatorade. I need a caffeine. I need a Snickers bar. Just a bit of chocolate to release some serantonin because going to court in Newark this morning on top of the rest of life feels crippling today.

But at the same time, I’m currently arguing with friends via email about Lebron James and whether or not he is leaving Cleveland after this season and what that says about him and so forth — and it is raising my spirits. Mindless debating about something that is fun like the NBA.

Also, I tried to lift up my spirits by going to garbage ass celebrity sites. I don’t know if it is lifting my spirits, but it is just mind blowing. These are the headlines of the top articles from Huffington Post’s entertainment section and Zimbio.

Sandra Bullock ADOPTS BABY BOY, Divorce Filed

Well, I’m happy I guess for her. Did anyone know she was adopting a baby? That’s an odd question too. I don’t know anything about Sandra Bullock’s adoption methods or how long she’s been planning it, but I expect there are people who have never met her and never will meet her that actually could answer this question.

Jessica Simpson is dating, addicted to Nicorette

Is that a corresponding relationship? Her dating and the over-use of nicotine gum? What a boring ass interview Jessica Simpson must be if the two highlights are Nicorette gum and her dating. Doesn’t she have a CD or something? I thought I heard she had a TV show – I thought I actually heard that from the Huffington Post. Is there no update on that? I know that Nicorette is still around and still used, but jeez that is an old reference. Jessica Simpson is dating, thinks Let It Be is best Beatles album. And even here she would be wrong. But Jessica does look great. I’m not posting pictures, but she looks like Jessica Simpson. Gains weight, loses weight – whatever. She’s hot. She apparently doesn’t brush her teeth which was a headline on this site a couple weeks ago. I never realized how much we were begging for not only Jessica Simpson information, but really boring ass Jessica Simpson information. It’s weird she doesn’t brush her teeth,  but who the fuck cares? 99% of us are only going to ever see her through a glossy magazine photo or on TV, so it really doesn’t matter at all if she has bad breath.

Michael Lohan: Perez Hilton is likely to get AIDS

Holy eff – this is getting good! Who is Michael Lohan? This makes this even funnier to me because I don’t know who Michael Lohan is or why he would have the hot tip on Perez Hilton getting AIDS. Hahahahah, this is fucking brilliant! This is the difference between using a good old reference rather than a bad one – Nicorette = boring, but AIDS = hysterical. Actually, even better “butt AIDS” – AIDS specifically for your butt. Whew – I love this headline. There are so many… oh wait… is Michael Lohan the father of Lindsay Lohan? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH this makes it even funnier! Why is Michael Lohan being asked about Perez Hilton and AIDS? Or even better why are people writing down what Michael Lohan is saying in general about anything?

I was in Newark this morning and I heard some crazy stuff said on the streets. I live in Jersey City and I hear some crazy stuff said on the streets. That doesn’t mean I write it down and put up a story on a “news” site about it. Michael Lohan isn’t even famous. He’s the estranged father of a girl who appeared in one movie that people liked and since then has been on a downward spiral, which sadly will result in an untimely death article about her. And what does Perez Hilton having AIDS have to do with any of this? Either way, this is the best headline so far.

Is Jim Carrey losing it?

Genius! Why not, right? There is a picture of him waving around a pair of novelty size huge scissors and he has a beard. He must be crazy because he has facial hair! I’m guessing the article may be about his twitter account. It is pretty nuts. I’m rooting for Jim Carrey to “lose it”. I love Jim Carrey. I think he is absolutely tremendous. And now there is the possibility of him acting in movies and being crazy in real life? Yes. Sign me up for that.

Amanda Peet steps out 8 DAYS after baby

I will plead negligence. Is that bad? 8 minutes? I could see 8 minutes being real bad. Not as bad as 8 seconds. But 8 days? The woman can’t go outside 8 days after having a baby? That seems a little ridiculous. They barely keep women in the hospital overnight anymore as far as I’m told. If this headline was “8 Minutes” then I would be shocked. Like someone should have said something to her as she was leaving the hospital and/or the bathtub or the low lying grass field or where ever she had the kid. I’m thinking 8 days is plenty. If she was on the TV show 24 then 8 days would be forever. Didn’t the President’s top advisor almost die from a heart attack and 2 hours later he was back to work? Jeez buddy. Take a lunch break or something.

Lady Gaga shows butt, gets racy

What gets “racy”? Her butt? Or is Lady Gaga getting racy because she is showing her butt? Is it crazy to just me that the word “butt” and “shows” before it is in a headline of a “respectable” “news” website? How much of her butt? Regardless, Lady Gaga does have a nice butt. And she should play a jingle called “Let’s Go” by The Cars when she gets the chance. Also, is it weird or really weird that I’m thoroughly excited she is recording a new album?

Amy Winehouse Falls, Winds Up In Hospital 

Hahahahah. It’s like Amy Winehouse is an elderly person. At some point, if you get old enough – falling becomes catastrophic. I hate falling now, but if I fell – just fell nothing special – then I would get up and keep going. But if you survive long enough on Earth there reaches a point where if you fall you just stay fallen. Apparently, Amy Winehouse has reached that point. Also, “winds up in hospital” makes it seem like either the fall and the hospital are unrelated or no one expected the one to result in the other.

Steve Carell likes his nerdy look

Is it just me or is Steve Carell’s look “a suit”? So now I’m a nerd because I’m wearing a suit? Everyday is worse than the last. Fuck you, Zimbio.

Jennifer Lopez says being pregnant was like an ‘invasion’

On the scale of positive things to say about being pregnant… it’s not there. An “invasion”? That sounds more to me like the baby crawled inside of her and hung out for 9 months and then got birthed. “Invasion”? I could understand the idea of a parasite or a tapeworm or the alien from ALIEN, but not an “invasion”. I think Marc Anthony needs to keep a swarmy eye out for J-Lo when she is around the kid alone.

‘Kick-Ass’ star Aaron Johnson, 19, expecting first baby with 43 year old director

Wow. Aaron Johnson would love this list of 50 women over 60, for one. So he’ll be 37 when the kid graduates high school and she’ll be ….. dead. Hahahahaha… 61. Perfect. I’m going to keep this nameless “director” on my list for the 2028 edition of 50 over 60.

Kelly Osbourne felt “weird” being sober at Coachella

I would too. I’m not even a drug addict. But no one should be at Coachella sober. Unless that was apart of a prison sentence.  

Toni Braxton shaves head, wears catsuits, has new album dropping

That right there is a headline! Toni Braxton must wake-up really earlier to accomplish all that. Jessica Simpson needs to take notes about Toni Braxton for several reasons. One – Toni Braxton has been real hot for like 15 years. That is noteworthy. Aging gracefully. Scratch that – not “gracefully” because Toni Braxton is still sexy as hell. Age “in a way where you are still somehow just as sexy as you were 15 years ago” whatever that word is. Two – addicted to Nicorette, not brushing your teeth = boring. Shaving your head, wearing catsuits and producing new original music = good.

John Mayer says Twitter is so over

Thank God! I’m tired of twittering anyway. I’m glad it is over.

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27 Responses to “There Is Nothing To See Here – Move Along”

  1. tiffanized said

    And Twitter says John Mayer is so over.

    I am all about being 43 with a 19-year-old lover. Fiance? No. Baby daddy? No. But lover? Absolutely. Actually, I have an “Over 21 to ride this ride” rule so that I don’t have to worry about laws pertaining to the delinquency of minors.

    I like that Lady Gaga is just now getting racy. I found her far too prudish in the past. Also, I look forward to seeing her butt, since so far I’ve only seen her vulva.

    Jordan, you know that women are supposed to live in seclusion for 27 years after giving birth. It’s in the bible. And yes, in my experience fetuses are invaders and parasites, in every sense of the word.

    • cledbo said

      Tiff – you make me not want to be a mum, but also kind of do because you’re as mental-crazy in the sexiest possible way like me, so if you can do it maybe I can too.

      Either that or I’ll turn out to be Joan Crawford.

      • Amy D said

        hee hee, wire hangers. I used to piss the hell out of my mom whenever I got mad at her because I would say ever so sweetly…. yes mommy dearest (insert batting eyelashes here)

      • tiffanized said

        I’m crazier than Joan Crawford. She just beat her kids–that’s so passé. I do things like throw hairdryers onto the lawn and put dirty milk glasses in their beds. My favorite is making them look at the stretch marks they left on my formerly perfect tummy with the warning, “Use condoms or this will happen to you.”

  2. campbelld said

    I love useless celebrity bullshit. It is part of my love/hate relationship with American society. Like a McDonalds inside a Wal-Mart. I love that it exists, but seriously, WTF?

  3. brandy said

    where did everyone go? i know you said this blog would probably go on “haitus” and/or begin featuring “guest bloggers” and/or morph into something else and/or end altogether, but you’re still writing. and it’s still entertaining stuff. why do i hear crickets?

    • Lala said

      I’ve been wondering exactly the same thing. The blog is not dead but everyone left anyway.

    • Where did everyone go?

      Translation: why aren’t HB and PWG spamming your comments section per usual?

      Answer: I can’t speak for my girlcrush, PWG, but I – much like Kay Swidge – am currently buried under work. Only mine’s not boxes or books or anything remotely tangible that I could take my anger out on and throw across the room… No, it’s all invisible virtual computery things. I wish I had boxes to take my pent up frustration out on.* Aside from my own. HEYOOOOOO.

      God, I need a drink.

      • AmyAlmost said

        I love it everytime you give us a ‘HEYOOOOOO’.

      • I actually say it out loud in conversation, too. I picked it up from my college roommate’s boyfriend years ago and usually say it whenever I make an especially corny joke. Which is pretty frequently (as if that’s news to you). I should just include it as a default signature to all comments, tweets, etc, I ever make.

        Speaking of tweets, you fall into the category of badass Australian girls I’d like my fill of daily*, so you should join Twitter. Don’t listen to Jordan or John Mayer; all the cool kids are totally still doing it. Twitter and heroin.

  4. Today marks the first day in history I’ve ever agreed with something that’s come out of J-Lo’s mouth. Pregnancy freaks me the fuck out. That’s some alien-like shit right there. I cannot comprehend all these people who are all “oh pregnancy is so beautiful and blah blah blah” YOU HAVE SPAWN GROWING IN YOU. Science man, CRAZY.

    Steve Carrell’s look isn’t “a suit”. It’s a big pointy nose and gelled hair with a side part. He’s definitely a nerd. But it works for him. Funny + nerdy is always a good combination. Throw a suit on him and call him a sex symbol.

    And the word you’re looking for here –> “in a way where you are still somehow just as sexy as you were 15 years ago” is plastic surgery. Oops, that’s wordS. I can hyphenate it if that helps?

  5. kt said

    god that aaron johnson thing just kills me. why would you want to be married and having a babby with a 19 year old kid when you are 43. not to mention that when they met im betting he was 17. thats like illegal and gross.

    im gonna agree with JLo even though i am not and have never been pregnant. i have never thought that being knocked up sounded like good times.

    micheal lohan is really gross and so is not brushing your teeth. all i can think about is how rotten all jessica simpsons molars must be. nasty.

  6. amanda said

    aaron johnson.. whatta man!! hes sooooooo good looking

  7. Amy D said

    Wino went to the hospital because when she fell flat on her face, she thought she might have damaged one of her implants. Good to know that alcohol doesn’t impair her list of priorities.

  8. PWG said

    What’d I miss?! Thanks for picking up the commenting slack, people, but we’re going to need five or six long rambling comments from everyone else on the days HB and I actually have to work.

  9. PWG said

    Are you going to court for the speeding ticket you got the other day? Or is there something else we need to know about this “hiatus” you’ve mentioned? Will this hiatus be shorter with good behavior on your part? Did she at least look 18? Did you steal diapers with pantyhose over your head, Hi? Did you take metaphorical pennies from the crippled children’s tray?

  10. Amy D said

    While it’s not rambling comment, I can add randomly that it is National Blueberry Pie Day. I’m slightly saddened that the festivities were overlooked by Jordan. However, due to him being boxed in* I can forgive the oversight.

  11. PWG said

    The Celebrity Baby Journal post:

    Sandra Bullock – good for her. All that new baby stuff will give her no time to think about her philandering husband. Plus the baby doesn’t look like Jesse so she won’t get all sad/homicidal every time she looks at him.

    Amanda Peet – nothing crazy about getting out of the house 8 days after the alien bursts out of your chest. What the tabloids like to shark feed on is how good or bad the person looks in the first post-baby picture. I misplaced a fair amount of blood extracting the first PWGlet, so I looked like fake-Rob with the chalky skin and hair standing up every which way. If I’d had paparazzi jumping out from behind every bush I passed that first week, with camera flashes going off and rude questions shouted at me, it’s possible I’d still be in jail today.

    Jennifer Lopez: other than Olympic-level barfing, I didn’t mind the Occupation. The parasitic behavior comes later, when they suck every spare minute of time out of your life. I honest to God can’t remember what I used to do in my spare time. I must’ve had a lot of it. I miss it.

    Today is PWGlet #2’s fifth birthday. Today I assembled a bicycle, worked 8 hours, baked a cake, walked a mile and a half to pick up my truck that apparently drove over 50 porcupines or some shit and needed new tires immediately, cleaned up dog barf, vetted a book report and drove kids to soccer practice. Glamorous.

    • tiffanized said

      Today I assembled a bicycle, worked 8 hours, baked a cake, walked a mile and a half to pick up my truck that apparently drove over 50 porcupines or some shit and needed new tires immediately, cleaned up dog barf, vetted a book report and drove kids to soccer practice.

      Or, as we moms like to call it, Wednesday.

      Today, I got home at 3:30 a.m., read some fan fiction, slept for three hours, picked my kids up from my parents’ house, helped Kid A finish her World History paper, took Kid B to McDonald’s for breakfast (where I managed to keep my caloric intake under 300), dropped Kid B off at school, made it to work on time and have completed two major projects in the past hour and a half that I’ve been here. Not to mention catching up on the 47 things that accumulated in my Google reader and responding to comments here. I birthed Kid A when I was 18, so I have no idea if I had spare time before that. I can only imagine I will have loads of it when the beesters move out.

  12. PWG said

    Aaron Johnson is step-parenting a 16-year old kid, and he’s 19. They could actually have attended high school together. I don’t care about the age difference between him and the director chick, but if my mother had brought home a 19-year old husband when I was 16 I might’ve had issues. “Dad, can I look at your calculus notes? Can you sign my yearbook?”

  13. AmyAlmost said

    I tried just to not over think things when I was pregnant because it is really weird. I think it was weird once I had small child and realised that I was just super-ceded. The new version is in and my life is now obsolete.

  14. cledbo said

    I thank God and the oral contraceptive pill every day that I wake up not pregnant. I’m betting it’s bound to happen sooner or later, and man that kid is going to be one screwed up individual.

    I agree with Twitter being over, mainly because I suck at it and I’m a deeply self-involved individual, so I get sad every time I open TweetDeck and no one has been talking to me. Not that I’m talking to or about anyone else. But like HB and PWG I unfortunately have a whole fuck-ton of real life crap to deal with which is getting in the way of my online shennanigans. Damn you real life!

    I baked and assembled Mario mushrooms out of meringue and marshmallows and chocolate last night for team morning tea. I am the best colleague ever. (PS mine don’t look as good as AnnaTheRed’s, but they taste fucking awesome so I don’t care).

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