This Week In Kristen Stewart Wants IT #No More Work

April 30, 2010

As mentioned way too many times, today is my last day of work. The entire office is packed in boxes. How many boxes? Well, there are well over 100 boxes that are being sent to the “archives”. There is a warehouse somewhere in some place that has thousands of boxes just like the 120 or so we have here that are filled with legal documents of some sort and need to be kept for a period of time for some reason. So I would estimate 120 boxes for archives. I would estimate we/they are taking another 50-60 boxes to the new office with other legal documents and books. And, then I would estimate there are at least another 20 boxes filled with the contents of these lawyers’ offices.  That’s alotta boxes!

Today’s post will be brief because the movers will be coming soon and I’m not sure what I’m going to be doing in an office that has nothing in it and that I won’t work for anymore after I leave the building. Good times!

This weekend is the Kentucky Derby and the Mayweather/Mosley boxing match on PPV. It is also more NBA playoffs basketball. I will be watching all of it.

Do I get bonus points for having exposed legs and wearing 4″ heels? Am I proving more of a point because I have more skin showing than just cleave? Is this like an extra credit kind of situation?

Well, I would say the more naked one gets the better. That is a good code of conduct. But you sent no pictures. And that is a disgrace to both King and Country. Which King? All of them. Which Country? AMERICA! Do you know what is better than reading about someone showing a lot of leg? SEEING IT! You know what is better than someone talking about their cleavage? SEEING IT!

how could you draw an X over Katy’s face!? her face to way too adorable to be covered. actually, no part of her should ever be covered- she should walk around naked all day, amiright?

I completely agree with you! But I had to draw the X over someone’s face and I thought Katy Perry’s breasts were perfect for the “boobquake” cleavage representation. I agree that Katy Perry is wildly hot and her bosoms are miracles. And she sings songs about kissing girls! That is just too good. And I was too lazy to remember sending myself this in an email, but I did write a short story/scene where a guy tries to explain to a girl, of a similar hot/adorable/glowing nature to Katy Perry, that she should just be naked all the time for the betterment of man/lady-kind. I’ll try to remember to post that one day. It also would be helpful if someone reminded me to post it.

Are you going to court for the speeding ticket you got the other day?

I went to court for the speeding ticket. I feel like when I told the cop I was speeding because I was late for work and did not want to be any later – and I was wearing a suit! – that he should have immediately let me go. What bullshit world do we live in that someone is giving the extra effort to actually go to work to do more work and you get penalized for it. Bunch of asshats the Jersey Troopers are. Fucking unmarked cop car too. If you see a gray Dodge Charger on a major road in NJ then it probably is an unmarked cop car. Fair warning.

Did you go through a big old teenage angst phase? Where you sat in your room and wrote awful poetry?

Life is angst. Whatever caused me angst as a teenager is still causing me against as an almost 27 year old man with a closet of suits. What was angst in high school? Trying to get girls, hating authority, making friends, dealing with crazy old people or older people who are crazy, trying to find a niche in life… all that stuff minus worrying about how the Lacrosse and Football seasons will go is the same.

And any poetry I have written is not awful. It is great shit. And yes, I’ve written poetry. I’ve also written about how Kristen Stewart and her want could kill off alien invaders from classic movies too. I was never the goth kid though if that is the question. Never really got into fashion trends.

Can you take your flip cam into Dunkin’ Donuts tomorrow and make us a film of your last and final ultimate good-bye with DD?

It is too early in the morning to do something creative like that. I’m tired! I’ll tell you what I ordered. Dozen donuts and a box of coffee for me and my former co-workers… awwwwwww…

Will it really be like you never exsisted, Jordan?

That’s up to you to remember me.

I was writing a monologue more or less for some movie idea the other day and I wrote the line – “There will never be a tomorrow where I am forgotten.” I like that idea a lot. But it really depends on the others of the world to remember the person. You will have to keep this eternal flame burning. And as we all know fire needs to be oxygen to survive. So just start blowing* this “flame” and you’ll remember me.

Why on earth would I have been so sad that you were waving goodbye to me, your devout secret reader/follower?

Good question. If you wanted it to be then I’ve been a fixture in your lives since August.

I’ve just been informed there are actually more boxes that need to be made and put together and sent to the archives. IT NEVER ENDS!

I’ll leave you with this for today. I have heard 3 songs by Kid Cudi and I thoroughly enjoy each one of them. I will need to invest some time in illegally downloading his album.

Have a great weekend! I’ll post on Monday.


16 Responses to “This Week In Kristen Stewart Wants IT #No More Work”

  1. Forgetful Lucy said

    I’m hoping your “I’ll post on Monday” isn’t the same as “I had fun and definitely want to hang out again, I’ll give you a call later”, with later meaning NEVER. I have faith in you Jordan, don’t let me down.

    Being unemployed is a funny thing. Last time I was unemployed I felt too guilty to take naps. I figured with all my free time I could enjoy napping, but it didn’t happen. I was too stressed about finding another J-O-B.

    Have a great weekend, sleep in on Monday, and enjoy a nap on a weekday when you know the majority of your readers are stuck under the harsh light of fluorescent bulbs waiting for your words to bring a ray of sunshine to their day.

  2. I had no idea I had disgraced so many Kings AND my beloved America by not sending you pictures on Monday. I may have won the boobquake battle, but I guess I lost the war because I broke other hearts in the process. I just can’t win. In some weird coincidence, I’m wearing a dress again today. Miracle of miracles! More heels! More exposed legs! More cleavage! It’s like the God’s are trying to write my wrongs! Except that I wouldn’t be caught dead taking myspace-style pictures of myself to send to some dude on the internet in my company bathroom. Plus I think the butch cleaning lady has a thing for me as she’s usually staring at my creepily, so I avoid the bathroom at all possible costs.

    • Amy D said

      Are the God’s writing your wrongs via blogger, or are they just righting the wrongs?? (smiley face)

      Couldn’t let it slide, I mean geez it’s Jordans last day.

      • HOW DARE YOU SASS ME! It was totally intentional. The God’s are actually writing apology notes to make up for my idiocy.

        I actually noticed it, but I decided a 15th [possibly illiterate] comment wasn’t necessary. I also said “my” instead of “me” here: “she’s usually staring at my creepily”. Which sort of sounds like I’ve nicknamed some body part of mine “Creepily”. Which I think would mean I have some serious body image issues…

        On a semi-related note, here’s a fun fact: when I was a child, I referred to vaginas (vaginae?) as “china’s”. Which made world news and talk of china closets very uncomfortable.

      • Amy D said

        Didn’t catch the “my” instead of “me”, figured in was in hommage to Dr. Cullen’s new accent and his aaa-meee of newborns.

        I’d love to come back with an equally cute ‘when I was a kid story’, but the closest thing I have is when I tried to shove a plastic banana in my dogs rear. Really not as enduring as your ‘china’.

    • susanelle said

      I want one of HeyBie’s guest posts to be just a photo essay about her gorgeous self.

      • You so crazy… I love you. I want to make out with you. But I don’t think I could bring myself to sully the beauty of KSWI with my words, let alone self-portraits. Blogging isn’t my forte; I think, however, I’ve proved that commenting obsessively about absolutely nothing interesting is.

  3. I JUST acquired the Kid Cudi album last weekend from a charitable friend. I like it so far – good summer music – but I’ve only listened to it a handful of times. Namely because I’m currently obsessed with Geographer. Their EP “Animal Shapes” is 30 mins of eargasms. If you like kind of obscure indie music, that is. Anyway…

    So did you say anything to the DD people about never seeing them again? Or did you just leave as if it were any other day and they’re going to expect to see you again on Monday? WAIT. Did you say “Have a great weekend! I’ll post on Monday.”? Maybe out of habit? I mean, that would be kind of weird if you had specifically said posting – unless, in some weird Scooby Doo-like twist, it turns out all the Australian common taters are actually the Kenilworth, NJ, Dunkin staff – but I think you know what I mean. No cruel jokes, please.

  4. Oh, right, and enjoy your last day of work. I hope you throw an epic fist pump as you leave the building a la Breakfast Club. That’s assuming you don’t try to exit on a “fuck you, you’re cool” moment reminiscent of Half Baked, and are escorted out in handcuffs…

    Ok, I’m going to step aside and give some other people a chance to comment now. Apparently no one took PWG’s request to heart about picking up the slack when the two of us have to work… Assholes.

  5. susanelle said

    I’ll tell you what I ordered [on my last visit to this DD]. Dozen donuts and a box of coffee for me and my former co-workers

    It might have been mildly funny if you had paid for that dozen donuts and all those coffees and then turned around and handed them out as presents to all the DD staff in the store, saying, “Goodbye! I’m unable to come here anymore! Thanks for all the great breakfasts!”

    They would be like: “That is one motherfucking memorable guy.”

    Several of them would have added: “Yeah, I already have nightmares about him because of the chalk-white skin.”

    Thus would begin your legacy.

  6. Lala said

    You better post on Monday, I’m still a little shaken from the beginning of yesterday’s post. But have a nice weekend anyway!

  7. kt said

    Kid Cudi’s album is great. Soundtrack to my life is probably my favorite track, Simple As is a close second.

    Does anyone actually send you pictures of them in bikinis or their legs in 4″ heels? Cause I know when I decided to wear a dress and heels this morning my first thought was “I wanna send a picture of this to Kay Swidge.” Just wondering.

  8. amanda said

    Kid Cudi is the fuckin man!!! check out my fb profile, (if you even know who i am) and theres a shitload of rap my friend vaughn tagged me in.
    When you look at me, you generally would not picture me as the kind of person who listens to rap (especially after all of the tangents i go on about indie music and those pissy rants of how i hate U2 and such) but that is just it. i hate poser music and rap like lil wayne.. 50 cent things of this nature. but rap that isnt about partying, and about problems and real issues… is the bomb digidy. like KiD CuDi. and Outkast was accidently made famous with hey ya. before that they were this awesome underground band that was also the bomb digidy. i ❤ genuine music.

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