Fighting Out Of Brooklyn, NY – “The Italian Princess”…

May 4, 2010

MARISA TOMEI!!!!!!!!!!!

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Sunday night, My Cousin Vinny was on. The movie is incredible. Don’t get worried and think it was the first time I have seen it. I vividly remember seeing the movie in the theaters with my parents way back when I was 9. Two things: 1. Kristen Stewart was 2 and she wanted IT and 2. don’t kill yourself thinking about how old you are knowing that I was 9 in 1992. That’s 3rd grade, right?

Back to My Cousin Vinny, the movie is simply well done from all vantage points. It is very funny both with physical humor and more importantly a lot of snappy dialogue. It was quick and intelligent jokes. All the argument scenes are very well done. Besides the comedy, it is very well written as a court room movie too. Lastly, it is just brilliant with the clash of cultures of Joe Pesci and Marisa Tomei traipsing around this Alabama town. Just a series of great performances from character actors playing the sheriff, the judge (I know it is Herman Munster), the prosecutor, the car expert and so forth. Not to mention, the STELLAR performance by Joe Pesci.

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With that said, it is Marisa Tomei who won the Academy Award for her performance as Mona Lisa Vito. For those who have never seen this movie (outside of the public execution you deserve), I will explain that Marisa Tomei in the movie plays Joe Pesci’s fiancee. WTF? For those of you who have seen the movie – SHE PLAYS JOE PESCI’S FIANCEE!?!

What in fucking what fucking world is Joe Pesci bedding Marisa Tomei? A 28 year old Marisa Tomei at that! Well, I will say that Joe Pesci is from NEW JERSEY – just had to be mentioned.

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This sparked the initial conversation that Joe Pesci has a better than decent track record of good/great looking women love interests. But this spawned an even more disturbing conversation – Marisa Tomei’s love interests have been less than appropriate.

At 45 years old, Marisa Tomei looks hot. Like really hot. My Cousin Vinny came out 18 years ago and I cannot think of a year that has gone by in those 18 years where Marisa Tomei was not hot – like really hot. That is nearly inconceivable. From 28 to 45, Marisa Tomei has continued to be substantially hot. She doesn’t even look she has gained a pound during those 18 years. Bernard Hopkins was the Middleweight Champion in boxing from 1995 – 2005. He was consistently the same weight and quality for 10 years – a fucking decade of weight and dominance. Marisa Tomei has been doing it for 18 years!

Marisa Tomei > Bernard Hopkins

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Ok, you get it. She’s hot. Like really hot. But what about her brain? First, I do not believe her brain needs to be a factor for whether or not she is an appropriate fake love fictional interest in a movie about two people who never existed, but whatever. Marisa Tomei seems to me like she would be fun as hell to talk to. She has an amazingly smile and lively bright eyes. I bet she would be really energetic in conversation. She would be bopping up and down, playing with her hair and funneling in her intense stares. I’m betting she touches her listener to on the forearm and shoulder. Talking to Marisa Tomei would be a lot like this in my head:

“This is so fun! I’m laughing. I can’t stop laughing. I’m giggling. She’s laughing too. She’s running her hands through her hair. Oh that hair. She is giggling and… I have no fucking clue what we’re talking about. How long have we been talking? It looks really dark out the window. Was it light out when we started talking? I seriously cannot remember if it was light out when we started talking. That’s not a good sign. I’m going to nonchalantly pretend like I just received a text message even though I didn’t, so I can check my phone for what time it is. And it is 7:35…. on MONDAY! What the fuck? Didn’t we start this conversation on Friday? DID I LOSE 4 DAYS OF MY LIFE!?! What is this 45 year old succubus doing to me!?! I can’t stand! I can’t move my legs! … but I’m laughing again. Oh she is too much fun. She just touched by forearm. TAKE ME SUCCUBUS! FEED OFF MY LIFE TO CONTINUE YOURS!”

It would go something like that.

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So she is hot and she would be fun to talk to. And as far as North Eastern biases go, she is from Brooklyn, son. She’s better than Bernard Hopkins, B.I.G. and Jay-Z.

AND, are you looking at these pictures? She fucking wants IT. As we all know, the mark of a superior being is the mark of “wanting IT”. Marisa Tomei wants IT.

Culled from her filmography here are some of her love interests aka guy she was fucking or thinking of fucking in a movie that a series of producers and a director all said “looks good to me” on:

Mickey Rourke – The Wrestler

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Oh God. Kill it with fire! It will destroy the village if we let it get to close! Keep it away from the women! Especially the good looking ones! Seemingly it can cast magic spells that make it see exactly the opposite of what it is seeing! It will turn friend to foe and turn the hideous into attractive! Archers! To the turrets!

Joe Pesci – My Cousin Vinny

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If height is as big of a problem as you all make it out to be then I don’t need to say much about Joe Pesci.

Adam Sandler – Anger Management

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Sandler looks like a damn super model in comparison to the lot we have here. This is not a good thing.

William H. Macy – Wild Hogs

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Sadly, this is not the most ridiculous scenario in the movie Wild Hogs. I believe they are also all friends with Martin Lawrence. I don’t know who I think is more out of these people’s league: Marisa Tomei or Martin Lawrence?

Phillip Seymour Hoffman – Before the Devil Knows Your Dead

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The movie doesn’t even leave it up to the imagination. The first 5 – 10 minutes is Phillip Seymour Hoffman pounding away on Marisa Tomei. You can take all the special effects and 3D from Avatar and condense them into one cube of spinning colors and radiance and the opening moments of Before The Devil Knows Your Dead was more shocking/awe inspiring alien ridiculous.

Tim Curry – Oscar

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Yeah. Just fucking yeah. I love this movie though. I love Oscar! Fuck the haterz.

Jason Alexander – Seinfeld

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It just has to be mentioned. I know that was apart of the joke, but it just HAS to be mentioned.

Nick Stahl – In the Bedroom

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Nick Stahl is creepy. I loved Carnivale. But that doesn’t mean I don’t check my closet every night to make sure Nick Stahl isn’t in there. He creeps.

So that is the list… you can go through Marisa Tomei’s other movies and see if you disagree with other leading men. I’m giving her Matt Dillon, Jude Law, John Cusack and Denis Leary. I understand that women nowadays find Denis Leary sexy. I don’t agree with this, but I can’t fault the conversations I have had and what women have said. Either way, some of you may disagree with those choices, but you can’t deny she is quite an odd selection of love interests that on paper seem pretty ridiculous.

Lastly, judging by this list I feel like the conclusion that I can make is that I, KSWI Jordan, would not be a terrible choice for Marisa Tomei’s next on screen love interest. I’m just as bad as a choice as the rest of those guys – not worse. And that’s insane.

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21 Responses to “Fighting Out Of Brooklyn, NY – “The Italian Princess”…”

  1. susanelle said

    Oh, Jordan, you’re a hundred times better-looking than any of those guys. It’s a good question — why aren’t you in movies?

    Tim Curry was cute when he was younger, but you’ve got him beat now.

    Only Philip Seymour Hoffman comes close to you in whiteness, and he’s not very close.

  2. I’m just as bad as a choice as the rest of those guys – not worse.

    You’re a better choice than those guys, duh. You’re better looking than all of them, you jackass. That and you have the height advantage. Must start campaign to get you into a Marisa Tomei film in my free time…

    I literally just had a conversation with a coworker yesterday about how absurd Seinfeld was with the hot ladies. There was no way George would get all those dates with all those sexy bitches. No.Way. And he used the “but that’s why it’s so funny!” argument, too. But no. It’s too unrealistic for me to think it’s funny. I have an easier time accepting Lost’s storylines. He’s not even tall or funny. Absurd.

    I couldn’t even read cursive in 1992. How crazy is that?

  3. Lala said

    You are kidding, right? Of course you are a better choice than those guys. You should just listen to HB and susanelle and start your movie career.

  4. I don’t agree with the Denis Leary thing, either. I’m pretty sure he’s earned his sexy status by playing a firefighter, since we chicks are all suckers for a man in uniform. It’s sort of like how I have a thing for Hugh Laurie — he’s not really hot, but him playing a broken asshole of a Dr. somehow is.

    What I’m saying is that you should put that Philosophy degree of yours to good use and become a firefighter. You could totally get all the broads then.

  5. PWG said

    Those are such peculiar choices for her leading men that I looked up her agent to see if it was Satan, or a bitter, jealous harpy. It’s actually Nick Stevens, and anonymous people on the Internet say he’s an “uber-agent” who is “notoriously press-shy. There’s not even a photo of him anywhere online.” So I’m unable to judge his paparazzi facial expressions for bitterness, but really, he must have it in for her, right?

    She’s gorgeous, I should make up a bumper sticker that says I could be gay for Marisa Tomei.

  6. MLF said

    very hot. muy caliente. somebody google how to say that in Italian

  7. AmyAlmost said

    My best gf loves Nick Stahl, so don’t agree with your take on him. Denis Leary is a funny guy. Funny guys make you laugh. I also think Phillip Seymour Hoffman is hot if you consider his career into hotness.

    Marisa Tomei is stunning. She seems sensible.

  8. Crystal said

    Nick Stahl is the sex. You are crazy. Yeah, I don’t think I’ve read a post in over a week. I am so behind. I didn’t read this one either until I scrolled through and saw Nick. Then I commented. I will read them all. I promise.

    Like you care.

    • cledbo said

      I wondered this morning whilst blow-drying my hair where you’d been, my dear.

      You answered my question!

      And for your information, we care, and we’re more important than Jordan for caring anyway.

  9. kt said

    I don’t know who that Nick Stahl guy is but he’s pretty attractive imo. He has nice eyes. Mickey Rourke creeps me the fuck out. Like seriously, I’d probably turn around and walk the other way if I ever met him walking down the street or something, he freaks me out that much. The sad part is he used to be decently attractive. This is totally irrational but Jason Alexander creeps me out a little bit too. I’m not sure why, but I think it is some combo of his shortness and unfunnyness and whenever I see a picture of him I think about the Seinfeld shrinkage episode. All these things combine and I cringe and have to change the channel/look away.

    I was 5 in 1992.

  10. cledbo said

    Family Guy did it best paying out the Academy for giving Marisa Tomei the golden naked dude for that movie. Not that it wasn’t hilarious and a decent piece of cinema, but really. Really.

    As we all know, the mark of a superior being is the mark of “wanting IT”. – #truth

    Tim Curry as Frank’n’furter is the only good Tim Curry. Call me biased. Or Transylvanian.

    • kristenstewartwantsit said

      “the only good Tim Curry.”

      I disagree with this whole-heartedly. But I will not rant. I will simply say thus: CLUE.

      End of debate.

    • PWG said

      Pennywise the clown?

    • Crystal said

      I will agree that Tim Curry as Frank is so much awesomeness. But Tim Curry as Mr. Body/Th Butler in Clue is awesomeness as well. But I am slightly biased as I LOVE Tim Curry. Love him.

      And thanks for thinking of me. Smiley Face.

      • The first time I ever saw Clue it gave me nightmares for weeks because I thought it was a horror movie. I was really young and innocent though… I mean, we’re talking about the same kid who was terrified by The Blob after all, so… yeah. I was stupid.

  11. Demo said

    So, interesting reading, and what exactly made U queen beotch? or U just like the sound of your own keyboard?

  12. […] of famous gangsters, dancers, and obviously, actresses. This is the kind of environment that Tomei grew up in, and it was one that sharpened her senses so that she could see the bigger picture in […]

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