Movie Review – Please Don’t Arrest Me, FBI

May 5, 2010

I’m not sure what I can and cannot LEGALLY say without indicting myself for my future trial. That being said, I will write the concerning proper nouns in code. A very elaborate code. A code not unlike you are used to. Anyway, onward…

A friend of mine from Shmussia, aka the Shmormer Shmoviet Shmunion, sent me a link to a yet unreleased film entitled Shmiron Shman 2. I’m sure you’ve heard of Shmiron Shman and that they are releasing its much anticipated sequel this Friday. It turns out that the sequel has already been released in the continent of Shmurope. That’s where my friend comes in and he sends me a copy.

Last night I watched Shmiron Shman 2.

First, I guess I should say what I thought of Shmiron Shman, the first movie. I have mentioned it before on this site, but I did like Shmiron Shman. It reminded me a lot of the first Shmider-Shman movie. Both spend almost the whole movie doing the origin. Then a bad guy pops up and then they defeat the bad guy. I only saw Shmiron Shman once and that was in the theaters. In all honesty, I liked Shmider-Shman better. I didn’t care for the bad guy and didn’t care for the ending of Shmiron Shman. And in all that is holy about Shmatman Shmegins and The Shmark Shmight – I hear people complain about the actresses Shmaggie Shmyllenhall and Shmatie Shmolmes. Whatever. I think they did fine. But Shmiron Shman has Shmyenth Shmaltrow and she sucks. She sucked in the first Shmiron Shman and she sucks in the sequel.

But I did like Shmiron Shman in total I guess. I would definitely watch it when comes on again whenever that is. I have all the TV movie channels and I am eagerly waiting for it to pop up on one of them.

Shmiron Shman 2 is much bigger than the original, at least by sheer cast size. There are so many fucking people in this movie. And coincidentally, most of them don’t have to be in it! A lot of what I’m going to say from here on is going to sound negative, but remember that in the end I will think you should go see Shmiron Shman 2 if you are bored and looking to go see a movie in the theaters because the movie will definitely entertain.

Have you seen those videos on youtube of guys going through nearly minute by minute of the Shmar Shmwars movies and explaining their stupidity. Or any other movie for that matter. Shmiron Shman 2 will and should be a movie they tear apart. The movie has plot holes the size of BP oil spills, it has a wide array of unnecessary characters, and the general thrust of the movie seems to be little more than you are hanging out for another 2 hours with the Shmiron Shman cast.

The plot is absolutely terrible. The storyline is flimsy at best. I sincerely hate the “quick” and “snappy” dialogue between Shmobert Shmowney Shmunior and Shmyenth Shmaltrow. I am a huge fan of the director, Shmon Shmavreau. I love Shmingers. It is easily one of my favorite films. I love a lot of his other films as well. And as mentioned, I do think these two Shmiron Shman movies are entertaining, but they feel so half assed. The special effects are not half assed, but everything else seems to be thrown together. They have huge budgets these movies and covering up half assedness with a ton of money is one way to go and they do that.

The action scenes are good. Stuff blows up. I could say more, but it is getting towards closing time for me on this. I have a busy morning.

The unnecessary characters is funny. I think almost all the new characters they introduce or just have in the movie outside of Shmickey Shmourke and Shmam Shmockwell are completely unnecessary. Like Shmarlett Shmohansson. Oh man. First, let me just say that I am a paranoid individual with delusions. I do not want to say anything negative about Shmarlett Shmohansson. If I had to make a list of the most beautiful women that literally walk the Earth and/or have walked the Earth and I have seen them in pictures, in person or in movies – I would easily say Shmarlett Shmohansson is at the top. Her and Shmar Shmefaeli would be tied for first I guess. Either way, I think Shmarlett Shmohansson is fucking gorgeous to the point that I have trouble watching movies she is in because I want to mate with the screen and read it poetry and serve it breakfast in bed.

And with this undying love and lust for Shmarlett Shmohansson, in some grand delusion I fear that she is a fan of this site and has been a faithful lurker and if I say something negative it will destroy any future civil union we have in the future. But with all that said…. it’s just not her fault that her character is wildly unnecessary in Shmiron Shman 2.

What is good entertainment? Hot chicks, explosions, flying, colors, sarcasm, constant cutting so you never get “bored” for a second like you are watching a Lenny Kravitz video from the 90’s. Sure. Well that is Shmiron Shman 2. Anytime, Shmarlett Shmohansson is on screen I’m excited that I’m looking at her, but if I stopped to think what her character is doing or why or why or why or why… then the movie would crumble to pieces.

Shmiron Shman 2 is solid entertainment for people who think “entertainment” means they can shut their brain off for 2 hours. And definitely make sure to shut it off because the movie makes no fucking sense ……… at any point.

I love you, Shmarlett Shmohansson. Like real love. Like 115 year old virginal vampire love. Also, regular love like if Ryan Reynolds ever decides to be gay then you should call me.


21 Responses to “Movie Review – Please Don’t Arrest Me, FBI”

  1. Scarlett Johansson said

    Hi Jordan,
    This is Scarlett. I had a big fight with my husband Deadpool today, and I was thinking of calling you to see if I could come over for a backrub and sleepover to make me feel better. But whatever, guy, you don’t seem to appreciate fine, fine breasts enough to overlook my unnecessary Schmiron Schman character so drop dead.

    • Oh hey there, Scarlett! Listen, I’m around and free for backrubs and sleepovers…makeouts, too, in case you’re interested. How about you come over to my place instead? What better way to teach Jordan a lesson in being respectful than by slutting it up with another girl mere miles from him, and he can’t do anything about it? He’ll never speak ill of you again!

      • Scarlett Johansson said

        Thanks, I’m totally going to take you up on that. And even though I’m a lurker who used to want to have hot monkey sex with Jordan, but completely don’t anymore, let me add that the commenters on this site are the best, smartest, most beautiful and haiku-ful people on the planet. Even the ones who think I’m dolphin-faced. p.s., I’m wildly flattered by the comparison to MLF’s beautiful horse.

      • MLF said

        MLF’s horse says muchos gracias since it’s cinco de mayo

    • susanelle said

      Oh hai Scarjie! I am one of the many who think you have a bit of a dolphin face — something about the way your nose, upper lip and chin kind of just cascade down the front in the pillow-y way of dolphins, or the Michelin Man, or the knees of young fat babies — and I hope you’ll think about that when you go for the inevitable plastic surgery required of Hollywood stars. Also, I think your taste in husbands is poor.

      On the other hand, you’re obviously incredibly intelligent, because you’re right — this group of commentators is uncannily attractive and good at spelling. It’s very weird.

  2. PWG said

    Sometimes I just like to watch stuff blow up. That’s pretty much the whole reason I enjoyed Die Hard 4: Die Harderester.

    When I want to worry about plot holes, I yell at the CSI: Vegas show about why no one can ever read the GCMS results on the monitor – they must print them out and grab the paper out of the printer to read. Also, why are you always effing working in the dark, CSI people? I know you’re on the night shift, but turn on a damn light in the lab, or at the crime scene, or whatever. I miss William Peterson. Sigh.

    Speaking of Vegas, I’m going next week. I like to celebrate Mothers’ Day by leaving my children at home, relaxing by a pool and ogling the Aussies.

    • My friend is going to Vegas the 8th-11th. I was asked to tag along, but didn’t. Only to find out that WE COULD HAVE BEEN IN VEGAS TOGETHER? Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!

    • PWG said

      Clearly, we’re star-crossed. I love this cover. You and me, babe, how ’bout it?

      • And you claim to have bad taste in music. Great song, great band. Hush.

        I’m touched. I got a little watery in the eyes, which hasn’t happened since last night’s episode of Lost. (Newsflash: I’m a pansy and I had no idea). I just checked, and a last minute flight to Vegas is only $850. That’s totally justifiable, right? Promise we can drunkenly do a karaoke duet to this song at some shady dive bar and I’ll book tonight.

  3. PWG said

    Even if you didn’t like the bad guy in the first one, you have to admit “Obadiah Stane” is a great name for a bad guy. Plus, he went bald at age 8 after watching his father lose a game of Russian roulette.

    In fact, this is just an awesome villain biography altogether. What a dick that guy was.

  4. kt said

    I was thinking about downloading Shmiron Shman 2 when I heard the other day that it was all over the internets already. But, we got a letter from Verizon the other day about downloading torrents so that has kinda put a kibosh on that for right now. In any case, as I said yesterday Mickey Rourke creeps me the fuck out so I’m not even sure I wanna see this movie anyways. Now that you say it’s not that great I think I’ll save my $10 and not see it in the theater.

  5. susanelle said

    Schmordan, you are being most schminconsistent. You pull out your great being college-trained brain to complain about the unnecessary characters and plots in Schmiron Schman — as you should — but you don’t complain about the unnecessary punching that goes on in professional boxing and cage fighting.

    Schmo schmuch schmunnecessary schmunching!

    There is a lot of brain schmrinkage going on that you are not mentioning or are perhaps unaware of.

    • MLF said

      I am literally rolling around laughing

      “schmo schmuch schmumching!” hahahah

      I so fully agree. I love watching authentic street or bar fights, but an actual sanctioned fighting even just doesn’t do it for me

      • susanelle said

        Well, and I love action movies and TV shows a lot.

        I will forgive Schmiron Schman all its plot holes when I see it just for the love of watching Schmobert Schmowney Schmunior. He could be the lead character in every single movie ever made and I would be fine with that.

  6. MLF said

    huh…it’s very…quiet up in kayswizzleland today. I am curious where everyone is. although it is cinco de mayo which is basically a blanket excuse for anything. there are all kinds of glorious cinco de mayo festivities going on where I am at the moment, but it’s SO EFFING HOT! my lovely straw sombrero is shading the sun from my eyes but holy fuck. it’s really hot. I never realized how much hotter it would be just two hours south of my normal residence. christ.

    and I must say, I am kind of surprised by the utter lack of paint skillz today. I thought there would be little microsoft paint sombrero’s drawn all over whatever today’s subject was.

  7. MLF said

    Now I am not sure about this schmyeneth schmaltrow character, but I will say that Gwyeneth Paltrow is smokin hot. She is much older than me, yet also much, much hotter than me. or is it “than I?” anyhizzle. she is hot. trust.

    didn’t she name her kid apple though? I will admit to not being a big fan of her kid naming skills..I have an unusual name and it’s just cruel. give your kids normal names folks, trust me. they will figure out how to be different and unique allll on their own.

  8. Scarlett Johansson said

    My parents named me Scarlett!!!!! Bastards.

  9. Lala said

    Shmiron Shman 2 was released last friday here and I already watched it because I had nothing better to do. I kind of liked it, but since I didn’t even watch the first film, I can’t say much about the sequel.

  10. AmyAlmost said

    FBI are so coming after you. You blogged and now they know.

  11. cledbo said

    I went to see Shmiron Shman 2 for my birthday last Saturday.

    Luckily that was not my only present, and I’m going today to pick up my shiny new iPhone, which will hopefully make up for the plot holes and unneccessary characters. All I thought about Shmyeneth and Shmarlett was what skinnybitches they both were, and that they should feel bad for making me feel fat on my birthday. Because being fat in comparison to a stick figure, and a younger stick figure with 4 balloons taped to it, is modern life for you.

    It was fluff and I enjoyed it though. That and the bag of Skittles I ate with my popcorn and Coke. It was all bad for me, but totally worth it.

  12. amanda said

    ryan reynolds is in adventureland, and I like that movie. also, theres this swedish vampire movie and i heard it is the bomb diggity. im gonna check it out.
    also this movie called the room. if youve seen it, you can probably write an entire post about how it is soo incredibly terrible, it is awesome. i suggest researching it via google real quick. its worth the time and effort.

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