Today’s Special Guest Bloggers: My Three Dogs

May 10, 2010

Yes, that is right. I am handing over my writerly duty to my four legged furry friends. Lily is the miniature dachshund. Gracie is the golden retriever. And, Noelle is the miniature poodle. With that, I’ll slide the keyboard over to them.

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Hmmmm… ok? They were more or less just biting the laptop all at once. Maybe I should take dictation from them. And with out further ado:

Whoof. Whoof. Whoof. Bark! BARK BARK BARK! HOOOOOOOWWWWWLLLLLL!!!!! Whoof! BARK BARK BARK BARK! WHOOF!

They are partly barking at each other and partly what they think is a squirrel outside which is really just some leaves in the wind. Eureka! They need a topic discuss. I’ll ask questions. Open to the floor – what do you think of the UFC cutting Paul “Semtex” Daley for his post-fight sucker punch on Josh Koscheck?

…………….WWWWHHHHHHOOOOOOOFFFFFF!!! BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK Good riddance, he’s a scumbag BARK BARK BARK BARK!!!!!! HOOOOOWWWWWWLLLLLLLLL!!!!! Much ado about nothing could’ve let him stay. Whoof! Whoof! Whoof! WHOOF! WHOOF! WHOOF! I don’t remember it I was really drunk. BARK! WHOOF! HOOOOWWWWWLLLLL!

Ok? What do you all think of Kimbo being released from the UFC?

…………….WWWWHHHHHHOOOOOOOFFFFFF!!! BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK Good riddance, he’s a scumbag BARK BARK BARK BARK!!!!!! HOOOOOWWWWWWLLLLLLLLL!!!!! Much ado about nothing could’ve let him stay. Whoof! Whoof! Whoof! WHOOF! WHOOF! WHOOF! I don’t remember it I was really drunk. BARK! WHOOF! HOOOOWWWWWLLLLL!

Hmmmm, maybe I should have taught my dogs how to say more than “Good riddance he’s a scumbag”, “Much ado about nothing could’ve let him stay” and “I don’t remember it I was really drunk”. This has never been an issue until this very moment.

Maybe “words” are not their strong suit. Let’s just go to the video tape.

I don’t think the UFC had to get rid of Paul Daley for his after the bell illegal sucker punch on Josh Koscheck. They have every right to get rid of him and I understand their point. At the same time, it isn’t the biggest deal in the world. Athletes in other sports swing on each other pretty regularly and their sports don’t involve punching each other in the face for 15 minutes. I also really don’t care about Daley in the slightest. I think he is a good fighter and always have, but I also do not believe he is an unique talent. The next generation of fighters are coming through the gates every day and each one is bigger, stronger, and faster than the previous. Daley will be replaced as the KO artist of the Welterweight division soon enough.

As for Kimbo. Oh the poetry I could write for Kimbo. I love Kimbo and believe that he should have a contract with the UFC for as long as he likes. Saturday night’s fights were in Montreal, Quebec, Canada. Out of all the fighters, including Canadian fighters including Canadian fighters from Montreal, Kimbo got the biggest ovation from the crowd. Why? Because we all fucking love Kimbo! Ok, so he lost. Big fucking deal. He’s lost before and people still love him. Just allow Kimbo to fight whoever and win or lose the crowd will still cheer their balls off for him.

The UFC should make a “Kimbo Belt” and Kimbo is the champion. Every fight he is in is for the “Kimbo Belt”. Regardless of Kimbo winning or losing, he keeps the belt and the next fight is also for the “Kimbo Belt”. No need for weight classes because the “Kimbo Belt” is whatever weight Kimbo is at. Get the fans involved. Have the “Kimbo Belt” designed by a new set of fans for each fight. Just don’t get rid of that bearded bastard because America loves him, Canada loves him and what more do you need?

I heart Kimbo Slice
Majestic black beard fighter
Please begin a blog

Kimbo haikus? Mother’s Day haikus? Your weekend haikus? Whatever haikus? My dogs haikus?

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34 Responses to “Today’s Special Guest Bloggers: My Three Dogs”

  1. susanelle said

    Yay!!! Dog videos!!!

    Please, just send me your paypal contact and I will transfer all my worldly wealth to you at once.

  2. tiffanized said

    How can you publish this post without a word about Shogun? Is there another post coming? Or are your boxers in a wad because you wanted Machida to win? Alls I know is that I have my Shogun action figure on pre-order. I’m already turned on about the idea of him and Pocket Edward rubbing against each other all day in the bottom of my giant purse.

    I think people only like Kimbo Slice because his name is Kimbo Slice and his bald area makes it look like he’s wearing a yarmulke. I thought his run in the UFC was limited anyway, like he had a two-fight agreement and since he lost both of those fights they decided not to let him keep fighting. I get this. I will be sad not to see his half-shaved chest in the octagon again. For a while. I think he’ll be back at some point if that’s possible.

    I like your/your parents’ dogs. They seem to have no respect for authority, though Lily’s tail seems quite responsive. Her ability to completely ignore you with her whole body apart from her tail is impressive indeed.

    • kristenstewartwantsit said

      Edward is definitely the bottom. Shogun takes it from no man… including Lyoto Machida. I love Shogun. I love him with whatever that thing is that pumps the blood through my body. But I also love Lyoto Machida. Maybe not as much as Shogun, but I certainly wouldn’t say I just “like” Machida. Anyway, I’m very happy for Shogun. He went through a lot to re-establish himself as the #1 LHW in the world. I’m excited to see what happens next to both of them.

  3. raven said

    I wasn’t sure it was you until I saw the tatoo, then I think I died a little. Do you always laugh like Muttley, or is that your “playing with your dogs” laugh? Whatever, it was adorable.

    • kristenstewartwantsit said

      Fake laugh.

      • PWG said

        kristenstewartwantsit: “Fake laugh.”

        Well, I’m happy to see this here. When the e-mail showed up in my mailbox I just assumed this comment would be a reply under one of my own.

  4. AAHHHHH!!! Puppies! I’m sitting here giggling with a big stupid grin on my face all because you posted videos of your dogs. Wtf, me? I’m going to go watch Lily’s tail again.

  5. PWG said

    I’m sorry I stole your Riot Dog thunder, I think you could’ve still run with it. I’m glad you didn’t abandon the dog theme entirely, though. Raven’s right, that is a Muttley laugh, and it made me giggle out loud when I heard it.

    I’m happy with the audio. You sound younger than you look, I think, although I’m bad at judging people’s ages visually. Which is why it’s a good thing I’m not selling alcohol in a retail setting these days. “Here you go, Sparky, you think two cases of beer’s gonna cover the whole Boy Scout jamboree?”

    I’m curious about the video. Is this old video that you had laying around, and you just naturally Witness Protect your family when you shoot movies? Or did you make this especially for us when you went to visit your Mom on Mothers Day? And if so, for the love of God, what did you tell her it was for?!

    Our dogs are show-offs
    For my Internet girlfriends
    You don’t know them, Mom

    • susanelle said

      I forgot to haiku. OK, here you go:

      Tom Brokaw tried to call your dogs.
      Only Grace came.
      Other two: head tilt.

  6. PWG said

    Your family has eclectic taste in dogs. I see no common theme here. A happy retriever, an independent poodle and Miss Happy Tail Where’s My Food Bowl. I think their canine open-mindedness bodes well for the Thanksgiving you bring all of us home.

    Mr. PWG and I did Border Collie and Australian Shepherd rescue for a few years, and you have no idea how hard it is to let a 4-month old Border Collie puppy go to a new home after you’ve had her a few weeks. We fostered everything from smart-as-a-whip to too-dumb-to-walk-across-linoleum, but they were all very sweet.

    It is obligatory to post dog pictures here today, I decree it so. My two after a long day of swimming in the lake on a camping trip.

    • tiffanized said

      Since we’re sharing dogs
      Here are Mikka and J.D.
      And sweaterpuppies

      • susanelle said

        For Mikka and J.D., I swoon, I die.

        For the sweaterpuppies, I have to say “nice tits,” but sexual orientation prevents me from swooning or dying.

      • tiffanized said

        The sweaterpuppies were pretty much for Jordan, but I appreciate your non-sexual appreciation.

    • susanelle said

      ::deafening cheers:: Keep those dogs coming!

      Also, Mlfie’s horse.

      • MLF said

        I fucking love that nickname! much better than the other usual ones…. but how weird would it be if I asked my friends to start calling me that? probably no weirder than I usually am anyway but whatevs

    • A lady after my own heart. I didn’t want to be the first one, but now that you started it…

      This is my old man, Toby, who (unfortunately for me) lives with my mom. I spent yesterday evening lying on her couch with him on top of me. “We” were watching Jon Voight’s finest cinematic achievement since Anaconda, National Treasure: Book of Secrets. Good Sunday as far as I’m concerned.

      Speaking of Border Collie rescue… My dad and his wife did that twice with Border mixes. Well, only once formally two years ago when they got Piper from Texas. The other time was informally, since Domino technically came with her farm after the previous owners just left him behind. Long story, but basically people are idiots. He was literally the coolest dog ever. He used to smile for me. It looked kind of like snarling, so some people were scared of him, but he was secretly a big mush. He was quite possibly my most favoritest dog ever.

      Aw, now I’m all sad and weepy over Domino. There’s been a lot of giggling, oo’ing and aah’ing coming from my cubicle today over all this dog stuff. Seriously, how do I still have a job?

      • susanelle said

        Awww-www-www! Toby with his nose on the window sill. Piper cooling her belleh. Domino fed up with the paparazzi.

        I love it too much, much too much.

      • PWG said

        Okay look, Anaconda is my secret bad movie guilty pleasure. Jon Voight doing some crazy-ass accent, “Oh, dey don’?”, JLo, Owen Wilson, Ice Cube and Eric Stoltz, overacting, snakes on fire, what’s not to love? There’s only one “Oh no, this animal has secretly grown 10 times its normal size in some remote location, and will now pick off actors one by one until there’s just one plucky woman and one rugged man left!” movie that’s better, and that’s Lake Placid.

      • kristenstewartwantsit said

        There snakes out there this big!?!

      • PWG said

        Okay, apparently the accent was supposed to be Paraguayan, by way of Tony Montana, I think.

      • Well, that makes at least two of us who were on YouTube watching random Anaconda footage… My favorite scene being when he strangles the life out of a woman with his thighs.

  7. Apparently my attention span, listening skills, and willingness to obey, are all on par with your canine companions’… I’m supposed to be writing haikus, aren’t I?

    I would love to write a haiku or 75 about the insanity that was my weekend, but you know what they say about a picture being worth a thousand words…

    Santa birthday gift.
    My Grandfather’s a tractor.
    No, I wasn’t high.

    • PWG said

      That is the BEST Rascal costume I have ever seen. Ev-er. Now not only do I want to hang with you, I want to live in your grandparents’ retirement home. My grandmother’s was all sad and depressing and “the nurse stole my teeth” and stuff. Yours has fucking stage designers and expert scooter disguisers.

      • The tractor is nothing – last year he was a plane. He did manage to take some scenery down with one of the wings though, so I would say this year’s costume was more of a success as far as amount of damage done to surroundings is concerned.

        The plays are fun for them, but torture for the rest of us. They have no plot whatsoever, and are basically just an hour of bad one-liner pun after bad one-liner pun. This year’s play was better than last year’s, but that may have been due to the fact that a certain someone drank too much the night before last year, and was suffering from a hangover the size of Russia throughout the play. A hangover that may have resulted in that someone vomiting in the projectile fashion in their church/cafegymatorium bathroom. #classy

      • PWG said

        I had a swim party for a 5-year old this weekend, and none of the moms would go in the water with their half-drowning children, so it was me and 10 soccer dads cavorting in the wading pool on Saturday.

        I must say though, that you with your cafegymnatorium vomiting, and me with my soaking in chlorinated toddler pee, we both have more dignity than Brendan Fraser. My kids made me see Furry Vengeance Sunday (yeah, I know, after I capped on it for having the most X-rated kids’ movie title ever) and let me tell you, that man does not know shame. He and shame are not on a first or last name basis. It was kind of awe-inspiring to watch him show off his, ah, less-maintained than usual physique. He walked away from the camera in pink sweats that were 4 times too small, with the words “yum yum” on the ass. I mean, I know it was set up on purpose to be situationally humiliating, but he owned it, I’m telling you. It reminded me of an old episode of Friends, where Rachel said she couldn’t be embarrassed.

      • MLF said

        speaking of #classy , I almost twittered you all the other night, my sis came home completely wasted and threw up in nearly every SINK in the house. I suppose she got the sink and the toilet confused? no idea. it was hilarious though. Apparantly our mom locked the front door, not expecting her to come home shitfaced at four in the morning, so she was locked out. For random reasons I was still awake, and I hear these weird shuffling noises around the perimeter of the house. I assumed it was just an animal since we have an abundance of those, but imagine my suprise when I head “OMG SISSY HELP HELP HELPPPPPPPP” and my window panes rattling from the force of the beating she was giving it. I honestly thought she was raped or being held at gun point, she was compeltely hysterical and seemingly trying to break into my room via the window… anyways I got dressed, went to the front door and let her in and asked her wtf was wrong, and she literally screams “I’M DRUNK WHAAAAAA” ……uhhhh srsly? well no shit sherlock. it was so funny my parents were more amused than furious, although I’m pretty sure the sink vomiting tipped the scales in the other direction.

        anywho. fun fact. my sis vomits in sinks.

      • PWG said

        I almost twittered you all the other night.
        I’m charmed and humbled that your sister’s epic drunkenness and inappropriate vomit placement made you think of us. It should be good practice for you if you’re going to be the KSWI-con designated driver.

    • For PWG: the Jazzy Tractor in action.

      For the record, that is not my laugh you hear. But it is my mother’s…

  8. AmyAlmost said

    I can’t remember how to haiku. I don’t know anything about UFC or Kimbo. I can’t watch videos at mork and I don’t have a dog (but I’d love one). My weekend involved buying a spongebob squarepants bag for my son. I couldn’t deal with spongebob until recently as the concept of pants on right angles freaked me out but Patrick won me over and now I don’t think too much about those pants.

    • tiffanized said

      Have you seen the episode with the Fry Cook Games? Spongebob is telling Patrick how hard it is to be a fry cook, and Patrick flips over a rock and makes a sizzling sound, looking bored all the while.

      Squidward is my favorite because I am Squidward. I’m weird, regimented, musically handicapped and I hate my stupid neighbors.

  9. MLF said

    What a lovely day, shopping for around five hours and I come home to dog videos?! awesome. I have a dog but I have no idea how to post pictures on here, and I don’t have a photobucket account. In fact I can’t even post pictures onto twitter other than from my phone and I have no pics of my dog on my phone. but I have a golden retriever named angel. My sis named her when she was six, but she really is a sweet dog. She’s getting really old though which means she always smells bad and is always shedding, which is annoying.

  10. Lala said

    Love the dog videos. I also have a dachshund and he is one seriously troubled dog. He is already 12, but acts like he is 2. Well, when he is not sleeping, which is like five minutes a day.

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