KSWI Guest Blogger Wednesday: Cledbo Edition

May 12, 2010

KSWI Jordan note: Today begins what hopefully will be a long running tradition: GUEST BLOGGER WEDNESDAY! It isn’t as good as Rocktober, but it is much better than Lightjazzuary. Whatever that means. Remember you too can sign up to guest blog by emailing me at jordankswi@gmail.com or you could email me to just chat. I like chatting. Or you could send me money. On with the show! CLEDBO!

*Cledbo’s note: Remember, Jordo, that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. And I have not and never will match up to your elite MS Paint skills, but hey. All I have at work is MS Paint too so there you go. Also, I know my writing style is derivative – I’m a researcher and a statistician, my whole life is one big derivation most days. With that, and my feeble attempts at humour in mind, here we go…*

Fellow KSWI afficionados, wife-bitches and of course, the fabulous Kayswidge himself. I’m excited. Super Excited. More excited than I should be considering the thing I’m excited about hasn’t been confirmed or even mentioned in the popular media. But the thought alone, which I had the other day whilst trying to decide what to do my guest spot on (yes, I offered. I’m a massive narcissist, sue me), was enough to send me into a fit of tween-like giggling.

I speak, obviously, about one of Kristen Stewart’s upcoming projects, An American Girl. For those who are not ‘in the know’, as in don’t haunt IMDB instead of doing work like I do, it’s a touching story about a young trailer skank who lives the life of a lower class dilettante, until she eventually ends up getting to drunk one night and letting multiple boys have their multiple way with her. The next day, she decides to join the Marines. As you do. She gets trained, sent to Iraq, wounded, learns about herself blah blah blah it’s being produced and directed by James Woods you can get the touchy feely picture. So why am I excited? Because, if I hope against hope, in my heart of heart, they might just decide to send the Want to….

BOOT CAMP

Hell to the mother effin’ YES. This I would pay to see, let alone any movie where Kristen “I weight approximately the same as a balloon filled with helium” Stewart has to pretend to be a soldier.

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Now some of you may be questioning my zeal on this particular issue. Well, for those who are not regular common taters, and/or haven’t been paying attention or don’t have the privilege of being my friend on Facebook, I’m in the Army. The Aussie Army, obviously, and in that the Reserves. Yes, I’m a chocolate soldier, a choco, a weekend warrior, SWAT (some weekends and Tuesdays), cut-lunch commando. It goes on. But I still went to basic training, or boot camp as Yanks call it, and I fucking love the army. I really do. I know little to nothing about the US military though, and had to do a little research about what goes into making a Marine. So we all get to learn something today! For the record, I have worked with Americans from all services except the Air Force, and the Marines were by far the funniest, weirdest and most professional of the lot. Even in their dog-shit ugly digicam fatigues, which couldn’t camouflage anything except maybe vomit after a really big night out in Darwin.

So what if KStew decided to go as ‘method’ for this film as for The Runaways? It’ll certainly be more than a stupendously bad haircut and wearing a lot of spray on clothing while looking depressed.

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Before anyone speculates, yes that’s me. With mad MS Paint Ray Bans on, freezing my theoretical balls off because that water had ice on top of it not long before I got to jump in, and then jump back out to go stab tires with my pointy pointy bayonet. This is just a tiny snippet of the treatment Kristen could expect on Parris Island, where the Marine Corps sends all female recruits. These females get to hang out in their own battalion, made up of a few companies, which in turn are made up of platoons. I was one of 5 women on my recruit course, and I shudder to think of that very small level of bitchiness and estrogen multiplied into a battalion. Holy MF shit. Anyway, if she really goes the whole hog, it’s 13 weeks of fun and games on Parris Island.

First, they take all your stuff off you, and give you an ill-fitting and butt ugly uniform to wear. They yell at you a lot – the Drill Sergeants, mainly, but everyone yells at you when you’re in the military unless you’re superior to them. Despite being put to bed before 10pm every night, way early for our party girl Kristen, you’ll get bugger-all sleep because no doubt you’ll be woken by a fire drill, or a surprise inspection, or a push up competition or some annoying shit like that. This goes on for a while, until you’re completely fucked and have forgotten how to pronounce your own name – it keeps coming out as ‘This recruit’. Which makes you sound like a crazy person, which you are. You joined the Marines you idiot! What the fuck were you thinking?

If you’re lucky, no one will do an R. Lee Ermey impression at you so bad that it is hard to know whether to laugh or cry, and you’re DESPERATELY trying to keep a straight face and not do either. Because doing either will get you extras, and what you’ve got is too much already without having to clean the head or work in the kitchen ah-gain.

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It gets better though. If, like we all reckon Kristen is, they find you under the ‘legal’ weight for your height, you get put on double rations. So much food! Add that to the physical training each and every morning (except holy holy Sundays of course) and Kristen will come out 50 pounds heavier (bringing her to a record breaking 51 pounds), and not looking like she would float off into the stratosphere if it wasn’t for the adamantium chains of Want holding her to the ground.

After a few weeks of being force fed, yelled at, woken up at 5am, and taught to make a bed so tight you can bounce a coin off it (if you ever thought that was a joke, think again. Making beds still gives me a bit of PTSD to this day…) you’re officially ‘not a civilian’ any more, but you’re still not quite a soldier. What advice would Kellan have given her, after his stint as a Marine Recon rifleman in Generation Kill? I know the advice I would give our queen of Want: When you go out field, even for a week, take a carton of smokes. Not a packet, not a few, and dear God in Heaven do NOT try to quit smoking out field, you will lose your ever-loving mind. If you want to be a real bitch, charge $2 a smoke to those who want to scab off you. It’s a tidy business on the side while your cold/hot/wet/covered in ants. Do what you’re told, obviously, but get away with whatever you can while they’re not looking. Take advantage of church – I am one of the most irreligious persons I know, but I went faithfully (hah!) to church every Sunday. For one hour of babble and a few hymns, I got free coffee and cakes, and could call my Mum without instructors listening in. Church was fun at basic. Not much else was, of course.

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Eventually, you’ll get to use that piece of shit M16 they gave you, which you’ve been cleaning non-stop for no reason so far. Shooting is the shiz, if you haven’t tried it I highly recommend it. And it is indeed a rifle, not a gun. Guns are machine guns and artillery pieces. Pistols are pistols, rifles are rifles. There you go, you learnt something already. You’ll continue to be taught any number of things, half of which will fall out of the opposite ear they went in, despite having to yell them at top volume on demand. One thing Kristen may have to do which concerns me more about anything else so far is drill. I mean, come on, you saw her at the MTV Awards, the girl is a clutz and a bit unco. Drill is all about marching, stopping, turning (sometimes whilst marching) and saluting in time, on command, and not making a complete cock-up of it, leading to those dreaded extras again. Extras for bad drill are generally more drill, more drill at night time in the dark, and more drill whilst wearing full field gear. Not the most fun thing in the world.

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All in all I highly recommend the recruit training experience to Kristen Stewart, though. Despite all the downsides and the utter bullshit and pain you go through, you actually do come out the other end a different person. Stronger. Resilient. More bruised. With a strange desire to blow things up for no reason you can comprehend. It’s pretty cool. KStew in real life is a bit of a dilettante too, and if she thought Joan Jett was harsh for yelling at her when she wasn’t being *her* sufficiently well, wait until it’s R. Lee Ermey standing in front of her yelling for 15 solid minutes without stopping or repeating himself. I think she’d stop seeming like a slightly self-absorbed wanker in some ways. Hopefully the regular showers and having to make her hair neat every day, and iron her shirts, would have a positive effect on her dress sense. I wouldn’t expect her to quit smoking – I became a serious smoker because of joining the army, and only recently quit properly. But I believe it would be a positive experience for her, and lawd knows I don’t think she’ll be able to pull off ‘Marine’ without at least some training. She’s not Sigourney Weaver. Or even Demi Moore. I’d like to see her succeed, mainly because I’ll be pissed if her portrayal leads to a whole lot of misunderstanding about what it means to be a chick in green. It’s kind of important to me.

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The other question, at least in my specifically trained mind, is what job will they make her? Will she be a lame admin clerk? A transport driver whose ass slowly expands? The ultimate of all military jobs, a communicator? (Yeah, that’s not indicative of what I do at all…) There’s a bit of choice going on for girlies, as long as you don’t want to blow up or shoot things and/or people as a profession. Everything else is wiiiiiide open, from cooking substandard food to pretending to be able to take pictures for the Stars & Stripes, trying to work out why the Humvee won’t start to stopping those pesky insurgents from listening in to the radio chatter. I’ll say again, in case I’ve offended any fat-ass truckies or lazy clerks – I speak from personal Aussie experience, and anyone whose ever met an Australian soldier, or any Australian for that matter, knows that we’re sarcastic (no, really?). So yeah, clerks have a job, as do transport, and electronic warfare and even cooks. Communicators are just better, that’s all. Are you going to argue with me?

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Didn’t think so.

Endnote: Be nice, it’s my first time*

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42 Responses to “KSWI Guest Blogger Wednesday: Cledbo Edition”

  1. PWG said

    Cledbo, if you were ever unclear:

  2. MLF said

    first off- BRAVO CLEDBO!!!!! well done, for serious

    secondly- I would die in the marines. that is the main thing I have taken away from today’s post. I am extremely obedient so at first glance it seems like the military would be a good fit for me. I hate making my own decisions and love following orders, but on the three ocasions in my life when I’ve been yelled at (hey, obedience does not lead to being yelled at!) I’ve broken down to tears. I’m pretty sure I would have an emotional breakdown and be left in a sobbing mess somewhere in the dessert holding my rifle (as you’ve clearly pointed out the differences of)

    Kristen on the otherhand….Kristin could potentially be the best marine of all time. Aside from all the speculation from us bloodthirsty common taters about weaponizing her want, which we already know could be a deadly force, Kristin in general is just a badass and would totally own at being even more badasser with bigger guns once they put some muscle mass on her. also she already smokes cigarettes like a champ so she’s well prepared in that area.

    I am so very, very excited about this movie. Thankyou Cledbo for enlightening me because I never go on IMBD and had no idea this little gem is waiting in the ranks (har har, military joke…I’m so lame) to be made. conversely- if this project falls though I’ pretty sure all my hopes and dreams will be crushed.

  3. susanelle said

    Wow, Cleddie, I didn’t realize you were a trained soldier… I just thought you were Australian. Wow. I am going to read your future comments with more… I don’t know what… I’m going to read them differently.

    Anyway — so that was an interesting post, you got a lot of the feeling of being in boot camp across in a very short space, you related it to Kristen very cleverly, and you know for sure that Jordan is still drooling over the gun references…. so I have to say:

    5 stars out of 5!!!

  4. PWG said

    Pictures, captions, MS Paint . . . all wrapped up in a funny tortilla of tough Aussie badass Want. Now I kinda want to see you in a ball gown for contrast.

    I’m also impressed with the picture-taking. Who was snapping those while you were being swept away in a flash flood?

    This truly has been a stellar week in the annals of KSWI history. (See, even when I wanted to make a dirty reference I couldn’t deliberately spell it wrong.)

    • cledbo said

      They had professional photographers following us around the day we did the obstacle course and bayonet training. And that water was the Bear Pit – just a big concrete hole in the ground filled with freezing water.

      And despite having warn several ballgowns in my life, I have no photos on hand. Funnily enough this is a side effect of being in the army – having to dress real nice once a year for a dinner.

  5. HI MR CLEDBO,

    K. STEWART, low profile, no specific talent, one of the thousand Hollywood pretty girls around, seeking some glory, will bring nothing to Mr WOODS’movie ; by the way did someone ever see a WOODS movie, as ‘falling in love in Pongo Ponga’..? a flop. We doubt actor JAMES WOODS will make the movie. Should spent his time playing poker in Las Vegas, walking his dog around the hills in West Hollywood where he lives, dating 18year-old ‘Mädchen’… FIT HIM PERFECTLY. ANN and JASON, WEST HOLLYWOOD CA

    • MLF said

      what??? we like jokes around here. That comment wasn’t even funny. you fail. also I fear you are of substandard intelligence since it’s MRS.CLEDBO which was clearly explained via the whole kstew/women in the military post…duh.

    • PWG said

      Greetings, ANNCHARLOTTE.
      While I very heartily encourage lurkers to come out of the woodwork around here to camoflauge the frightening number of comments I make, I don’t think you’re a lurker. I think this is your first time here, today. And even though READING your COMMENTS is like having someone FUCK WITH the VOLUME dial on a RADIO, I think you should stick around. I will offer one piece of advice: instead of casually mentioning a “thousand Hollywood pretty girls,” just post their pictures. Jor-El will appreciate it, and it fits better with the theme around here.

      Also, James Woods may be an ass, but he’s a fine, intelligent actor. And we’re all about people fucking outside their natural age range around here. Stick around for 50 Fuckable Women over Sixty day.

  6. kt said

    i didnt know you were in the army! very cool. my uncle, who is only 8 years older than me, was a marine. i have to agree that they are best of the american armed forces. not just because my uncle was one but because at 11 years old i basically crushed on every big beefy marine hot guy that he brought home for holiday vacations. i dont know why my mom thought it was appropriate or a great idea to let me hang out with six 20 year old marines for hours at a time while they drank beer on my grandmas back porch, but she did. and i thank her. i still have to do a double take at most any marine i come across. le sigh.

    but i digress. great post. 2 very enthusiastic thumbs up! fine holiday fun!

  7. Lala said

    I would never survive in the military, the first time somebody screamed at me, it would be over. So I’m pretty sure I would be in any of the services for about, say, five minutes. Anyway, great post.

  8. FUCK YEAH, CLEDBO! I knew you were in the Army. I knew you were a badass. Thank you for the photographic evidence.

    I was just having a conversation with a former soldier the other day, saying I could never be in the military. He kept insisting I could. His motives were probably questionable… My “hobbies” include watching TV and going to bars, dude. I’m pretty sure that’s not how one trains to get into ass-kicking shape. When the only tent we’re pitching together is one out in the middle of nowhere where I’m expected to be able to shoot people and possibly save lives, I’m not the person you want in the sleeping bag next to you. But feel free to keep me in mind if you’d like to eat baked goods and watch a movie and pitch one of them other tents. Heyooooo!

    What was I talking about? Right, Cledbo. I can’t see Kristen doing this. I think they should probably just cast you. Start working on your American accent asap.

  9. PWG said

    I think I would also suck at the soldiering, although I did go to a Marine recruiter’s office when I was 18. They pointed out that I was very short, and that I would have to do what they said on a regular basis. Sounds like the Australian Army is a little more forgiving of the size thing, because you’re the same height as me, I think.

    I’m fascinated by the U.S. Army Field Manuals though. I have a few of them that I read through occasionally, so as to be prepared for a zombie apocalypse. There’s a chapter in there on “Dangerous Fish and Mollusks” with the helpful advice, “Avoid sharks if at all possible.”

    I actually have read the whole thing. I’m all Anthony Hopkins in The Edge, man.

    • kristenstewartwantsit said

      Good movie. Also underrated gem “The River Wild”.

      Good post too.

      • PWG said

        I agree. Meryl Streep and Kevin Bacon was an inspired casting pairing. Big fan of David Strathairn, too.

  10. Hey… waitaminute… If Cledbo has the honor of blogging today, shouldn’t Kay Swidge have the honor of being a common tater? Aheeeemmmmm.

    • MLF said

      I’m pretty sure if we all got together and sang to you that’s what it would sound like. except for crystal since she sings well enough to beat Leanne Rhymes (sp? I’m too lazy to look it up) smiley face.

      • MLF said

        If we ever get together I volunteer to be the person singing wayyyyyy too high *first sopranos do it on top* yayyyy

        I’m so lame hahahah

      • susanelle said

        Aiee, I missed the party! HB to HB!!

      • Lala said

        I’m so slow I just noticed now today is HB’s birthday… So happy birthday HB!

      • Thanks, ladies! I expect to see some birthday lingerie… I’m just saying that it’s your wifely duty to look sexy for me, your beloved sister-wife, tonight.

    • MLF said

      I feel like the creator of that one would fit in really well here with us. I espesh loved the pelvic thrusting at the end

    • MLF said

      I’m on a roll. this one’s so depressing it’s funny.

      • I beg to differ with the lyrics “you did not accomplish much”. I’m fairly certain I’ve left at least 1500 harassing comments on a blog written by a stranger. I’m more proud of that than graduating college magna cum laude.

        Heh, heh… I said cum.

        Anyway…… thanks for the birthday love. And for showing it by hijacking the comments in true common tater fashion. You’re a-ok, Milfie. ❤

      • MLF said

        ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥
        ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

    • MLF said

      OMG. I’m pretty sure the word this lady was actually looking for was not “annoying” but actually “glorious”

  11. Who’s starting the petition to get Dawgz to guest post?

    • susanelle said

      You just did and I’m signin’ it.

      I’m dying to know if Dawgs is a human being or actually one or more dogs.

      Fingers crossed for either!!

      • Get your butt on Twitter, woman! (Please?) Jordan tweeted videos of Dawgz today. He is very much a person, and he is (in Jordan’s own words) adorable. Awww…

        But adorable only gets you so far. Time to prove you’re adorable AND funny, Dawgz. Can he live up to Jordan?!

        GUEST POST! GUEST POST! GUEST POST!

        (it’s awkward when you’re the lone chanter)

      • MLF said

        I’ll chant with you but only because it’s your birthday. in general I avoid chanting

      • cledbo said

        Dude, HB I thought your b’daywas on Saturday?

        Or does your awesomeness warrant a whole *week* of festivities? Because I’m down with that.

        Also, if I’m right and your b’day is Saturday, then I’m two whole big fat weeks older than you. Hah! I get to cross the finish line into the Hot Women Over 60 club first!

      • MLF said

        dude, have you met this girl?! ok well technically none of us have(I think,) but she is all about the party. as she should be. as we all should be really- thus- her birthday warrants a whole week of celebration. Nay- a month!! I declare the entire month of may HB’s birthday festivus month. hear ye hear ye and all that jazz.

      • Cledbo – my birthday was indeed yesterday, the 12th, but the debauchery to recognize it is scheduled for Saturday. And happy belated to you, my future GILF competitor.

        MLF – a whole birthday month seems excessive, especially since I feel awkward making people celebrate my birthday with me (I don’t like the attention, oddly enough), but if we can just party for a month straight for the sake of partying, I’m ok with that. Now we just need to come up with a cool name for “May” that rivals that of “Rocktober”…

      • susanelle said

        Get your butt on Twitter, woman! (Please?) Jordan tweeted videos of Dawgz today. He is very much a person, and he is (in Jordan’s own words) adorable.

        Hee… I’ve actually been on Twitter since March ’09 (but under another name)… oh, I’m watchin’ yer asses. I’m a-watchin’.

        So it was right after I expressed my little baby hope that Dawgz is really three dogs, right after that, that I saw the tweet about the video. Verily, it is self-evident that Dawgz is adorbz.

        GUEST POST! GUEST POST! GUEST POST!

  12. amanda said

    kristen looked gorgeous in her dress at the oscars!!

  13. AmyAlmost said

    Ok Cledbo I didn’t know you were army and now your Anzac day makes a lot more sense! Just want to say thanks and stuff..

    My husband was a Marine (artillery), it’s how we met. He was in town with a bunch of them after war games up north where the Australians won because they attacked wearing only helmets, shoes and guns and the marines had no idea what was going on. I miss the military days it felt like I always had 7 boyfriends to phone and mail packages to, I got them addicted to John Birmingham and timtams and he got me addicted to modest mouse and Hawaii.

    I love the Stew and I think the Want is a pretty interesting concept, but I heard about the Marine women from the guys and I’m just not sure she can do that side of it justice… I guess if she bulked through bootcamp I might accept it…. US Military life is a really strange world and I’d be pretty interested in how the movie looks into that.

    • cledbo said

      Yeah she needs some meat on those spaghetti arms. I’ve always been more muscular than anything else, so at least in army I don’t feel weird. It is a place where being slim doesn’t work in your favour, especially when carrying that big machine gun I’m holding up there.

      War games against Yanks are high-larious. They take it so seriously, and we could give a shit. Introducing anyone to Tim Tams is definitely a piece of national service too, girl ^_^

  14. cledbo said

    Thanks all for the kind words, and I’ll watch all the youtube videos when I’m no longer at mork – damn you, ban on streaming media!

    And can I just say, I’m so proud to have attracted a crazy commenter. *sniff* It’s like a dream come true!

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