Winning The Hearts And Minds Everyday

May 13, 2010

First and foremost, great job Cledbo.

Second, http://www.asylum.com/2010/05/12/weirdest-fitness-products-at-arnold-schwarzenegger-sports-fest-expo/

Go to this website and see me in video form with Dawgz. You can hear us talk, you can see us move, Arnold Schwarzenegger is there and so is Snooki. Just click on the link, watch the videos, and comment – PLEASE! I ask for very little outside of you coming to KSWI everyday and commenting obsessively and sending me bikini pictures. So just do this for me and make these videos the most popular videos of all time. Thanks.

That is for the benefit for all humankind and, especially, the ones without twitter. I posted the link on twitter yesterday. I twitted it. So for all of you who don’t twit twit. You all are not down with twit twit. For the ones who are not down with the twit twit. The twit twit. I’m singing this in falsetto like Jason Derulo. The twit twit. Talking ’bout the twit twit. The world of twit twitting to others. Prostituting my links to others on twit twit. On twit twit! Just talking ’bout my twit twit … account. Just talking ’bout my twit twit(!)… account. You are my unforgiving mistress! Oh twit twit! Just talking ’bout that twit twit. Give me some of that twit twit. Typing on my twit twit. Snacking on some twit twit. Quenching my thirst with some twit twit. Getting drunk in the club on that twit twit. Preventing unwanted babies by putting a twit twit on my twit twit!

I’m pretty sure everyone and, especially, their mother have seen the video of 12 year old Greyson Michael Chance singing/playing Lady Gaga’s “Paparazzi” on the piano at his school’s talent show. This video is also known as “Greyson Michael Chance teaches every young girl what it feels like to be a woman.”

I fucking love it. I fucking LOVE it! I MOTHERFUCKING LOVE THE FUCKING LOVE OUT OF THIS MOTHERFUCKING VIDEO!

I do not know Greyson. It would be kind of weird if I did know some random 12 year old boy in Oklahoma, that is unless he really likes Kristen Stewart, the want, and reading 2000 words a day posts and then commenting on them. But I digress, I don’t know the kid. BUT you don’t need to to understand every fucking beautiful second of this video. It is all there in the shocked, awed, charmed, stunned, and WANTING, definitely WANTING, faces of the girls in the background of the video! Holy fucking fuckity fuckin’ fuck these chicks want IT. And “it” being a miniaturized Greyson Michael Chance in a music box that they can carry in their purse and open at anytime and he’ll play Lady Gaga on his little piano for them and ONLY them.

I fucking love this video! And so does everyone else.

Greyson in all his prepubescent glory singing the GAGA, singing the Lady’s operas, in a room of apparently all XX chromosomes (are there no boys in this school outside of Greyson? Or are they all separated into male and female sections because Oklahoma operates like the Bible is current events?) was on every webpage on the ethereal internet yesterday. Then I turn on ABC’s World News Now and Diane Sawyer is talking about the video. I wouldn’t be surprised if Couric was doing the same and even cynical Brian Williams had to have said something about it too. AND TODAY! Today, Greyson Michael Chance will be appearing on the television show of television shows E-L-L-E-N! ELLEN! The fucking Ellen Degeneres show! The white Oprah! She twit twitted yesterday that she was having the wunderkind on and she had never been more excited. Why? Because he is fucking Greyson “slinging that rock in the streets” Michael C-to the-H-to the-A-to the-N-to the-C-to the-E CHANCE bitches! The kid is a superstar.

Before I get even crazier per usual, let me say my two coherent thoughts I feel like saying.

1. Lady Gaga is the biggest. BIGGEST! We are being bombarded with videos dedicated to or in tribute to Gaga on the reg now. Marines in Afghanistan doing “Telephone” music video remakes. College kids remaking “Bad Romance”. Gaga’s next music video is the song “Alejandro” which is presumably about a Latin lover of hers who stole apart of her glitter covered heart. The video hasn’t even debuted yet, but there are dozens of fan made videos for the song on youtube already. She is on a global tour that will culminate with her headlining Lollapalooza. There have been a lot of pop stars to rise to Heavenly glory during my time on this Earth. Britney Spears being one of them. And Britney was the BIGGEST and still is huge. But Britney never left being a pop star. She never headlined a rock and roll tour. Britney made girlie girl music for a very long time and there was large chunks of the population not buying into it. But Lady Gaga is becoming the new Madonna. I can’t wait for A League Of Their Own remake with Lady Gaga in it.

2. Greyson is good. Real good. Sincerely, the kid is good. He is great on the piano and great singing. Even better is his showmanship where he dramatically pauses before some parts. The kid knows what he’s doing up there.

Back to whatever…

ARE YOU WATCHING THIS VIDEO!?! It is like a want factory in there! Little GMC (just noticed that his initials are the same as the car company’s) is a turbine churning the unfettered want through to power the state of Oklahoma. Look at those girls in the background! Every single one of them is pouring want out of them like Twilight was playing on 60 different TV screens in front of them all stuck on one of the many slow-mo shots of Fake-Rob and Fake-Taylor taking their shirts off.

I’m not saying that the want in that room is reaching Kristen Stewart capacity, but it is damn close. It certainly is besting Jessica Biel or George Clooney on any given day. I’m just saying imagine if Kristen Stewart goes rogue. She turns on humanity and becomes a wondering doomsday weapon just waiting to go off and is intermittently killing civilians with just a hint of her power. If we needed to construct a Dr. Frankenstein’s monster to combat Kristen Stewart then FINALLY we have the solution. Take unassuming 12 year old Oklahomian boy Greyson Michael Chance and put him in a room with completely no expectations having girls and let the boy PLAY GAGA!

Of course, we would also need a corpse or a live willing subject to be the host of this experiment. We would funnel all the want into them and flip the switch and hopefully they don’t just explode from want overload. Actually! Even better idea! We all know the storyline of Final Fantasy VII, right? RIGHT!?! Well, when the Diamond Weapon is out of control they use the big mako cannon of Midgar to kill it. So all we need is a giant cannon and funnel all the want into that and then fire that want bomb off like the guns of the Navarone! We will only have one shot at this, so make it good.

Back to the video, these girls WANT IT! They want GMC! Ladies Love Cool G!

The storyline to this video to me is such, Greyson Michael Chance has never spoken more than one word to any human being at his school minus the piano/music teacher. He is quiet, but polite. He shyly smiles, but completely keeps to himself. Meanwhile, everyday he goes home and practices his piano and singing to the only audience he knows: his mother, piano teacher, and Mr. Evers – the 83 year old Korean War veteran who sits in his wheelchair all day everyday on the front porch next door, alone ever since his wife Camille died 6 years earlier from a hang gliding accident in which a hang glider lost control of the glider and it kamikazied her in the head while she was tending to her rose bushes in the front yard. Virtually no one knew of Greyson’s singing or piano playing abilities. He had sharpened his skills in private all these years and when he took to the stage not a single person in the crowd gave it a second thought. But then!… But then… But the… But th… But t… But… Bu… B… …

GREYSON BLOOMS LIKE THE MOST GLORIOUS FLOWER IN EXISTENCE RIGHT IN FRONT OF THEIR EYES!

Like Socrates and Plato’s theory of forms, the perfect flower, the form of a flower, the pure essence of a flower is on stage playing the piano and singing to them the Lady’s words! The Gaga’s melodies! AND. THEY. WANT. IT! Look at their fucking faces! TELL ME I’M WRONG! Those girls would be less shocked if Greyson got on stage and ripped off his own face to reveal he was a 6 headed Robert Pattinson, Brad Pitt, Channing Tatum, Alexander Skarsgard, Taye Diggs, Mauricio “Shogun” Rua mythical beast bringing Armageddon to dry panties the world over.

To paraphrase Watchmen: The Superman does exist and he is American. He is Greyson Michael Chance. So you can fuck off now, Justin Bieber.

Questions for Friday.

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25 Responses to “Winning The Hearts And Minds Everyday”

  1. tiffanized said

    Not only did the girls behind GMFC want it, I think Diane Sawyer wanted it. My first thought was that this kid is going to peak before he knows what to do with all the pussy that is going to get thrown at him. My second thought was that this kid probably needs a bodyguard against all the other asshole 12-year-old boys who want to kick his ass for playing a Lady Gaga song on a piano with all that flair. My third thought was that his legs are smaller in diameter than my thumbs. My fourth thought was that GMFC will probably not be terribly interested in pussy once he is old enough to know what to do with it. I didn’t make it to a fifth thought because I have a very short attention span.

    I would definitely do the 6 headed Robert Pattinson, Brad Pitt, Channing Tatum, Alexander Skarsgard, Taye Diggs, Mauricio “Shogun” Rua Armageddon monster, provided it had Shogun’s body and I could put bags over the Brad Pitt and Channing Tatum heads.

  2. MLF said

    I saw that video yesterday and damn that kid can sing- BUT-

    A: I am not a big lady gaga fan. Yes her songs ar. Undeniably catchy but so is herpes. Her songs are just way too overplayed, to the point where I can’t stand to listen to them and will never be able to enjoy them again. Also what she’s doing has been done (Abba…Madona…) I’m not saying she isn’t good because she is but…yeah.

    B: with a voice as talented as his I wish he was singing songs where you could really appreciate how lovely his tone is. Pop songs are notoriously hard to sing and papparazzi definitely shows off his range but I’d much rather hear him sing something more lyrical…maybe a Michael Buble song ect. But that’s just me.

    • PWG said

      I was DRINKING when I read “but so is herpes.” Thanks for the near-drowning experience, lady.

      • MLF said

        I learned long ago to never drink anything while reading the comments section- but if it makes you feel better I’ll give you mouth to mouth. Oh wait…that would make me feel better…oops

        also- I typed that comment out on my phone while explains the ar. instead of what should have been are- but NGL I felt really cool reading that just now. like a pirate. thanks iPhone!

  3. MLF said

    Also- I higly doubt that kid is shy. It’s hard to perform infront of others…shy kids rarely do it, in my experience. I’ve met “quiet” kid performers but in all my years of drama chorus and band I’ve never met a shy one. I actually had him pegged as the class clown. Not sure why though…

  4. PWG said

    I’m indifferent to Gaga. Her stage name is too stupid for me to get past. That kid’s talented, obviously. I made up a totally different backstory, though. His name’s Greyson, and he’s a great pianist. What more do you need to know?

    This irritating web site tells me that Greyson means “son of a gray-haired man.” Okay, maybe that’s the vibe his parents were going for. Astonishingly, it’s not in the top 100 most popular names for boys. Most people spell grey with an A anyway, so it’s a doubly unusual name. Maybe it’s a family name, or maybe it was bestowed upon him by parents who want to make sure their offspring is a unique shining star in every way. The kid is never going to walk into a tourist trap and get anything personalized with his name on it off the magnet/keychain spinner. That’s where the resentment toward his clingy parents starts.

    Then the piano. He’s twelve. He’s been practicing that instrument a looooong time. When his friends were out riding their bikes, playing soccer and wiffle ball, Ricky was at home in bed under the cov- wait a minute, GREYSON was sitting on a hard piano bench getting paler and paler. Once a week the elder Chances let him take a break and have a 100% organic snack or watch 30 minutes of lame educational television. The resentment builds to a crescendo and Ricky/Greyson plots revenge against his parents.

    “Mother, Father, I’ve been invited by the music instructor in my $35k/year private girls’ school to perform for all my classmates and the admissions directors from Juilliard and Yale. You know how I have to dress up like a girl in a reverse-Yentl in order to attend, so I can benefit from the instruction of the finest music teacher on the East coast? Well I’m totally going to do that at the concert, too. It was a really tough choice, but I’m either going to play Rachmaninoff’s Piano Concerto No. 3 in D minor or Liszt’s Hungarian Rhapsody No. 2. It’s a month from Friday, and you’re allowed to invite 20 of your own friends, too, so you’d better start having your Assistants make some calls. I’m so excited!!!”

  5. PWG said

    Any other anal retentive OCD types out there count the names on the six-headed beast to make sure there really were six? No, just me? Haiku day was exhausting.

    My primary issue with that baby names web site is that they use the symbols for male and female next to the names, and I have to think about it for a second: is that the sexist symbol for archers or mirrors? Plus their implication that anyone anywhere ever was named “Sudbury.”

  6. PWG said

    Dear Penthouse Forum:
    I’d never spontaneously ovulated just from watching an Asylum.com video before this week, but . . .

    Oh wait, you probably want us to comment on ASYLUM’S web site instead.

  7. MLF said

    after watching it again I have spotted eight or nine males…I didn’t notice them at first either but I think that’s because they are so small compared to the girls (middleschool is awkward. I was already 5’9″ by the eighth grade….and all the boys were still 5′. dating sucked.)

  8. MLF said

    also I hope that that school runs Pre K through middle school…because they should really know the continents by then…. although I do know a college senior who not only was unaware Seattle was in Washington, but also had Washington DC and the state confused. Go UCF!! clearly we crank out some highly intelligent individuals.

  9. MLF said

    geez! so demanding Jordan! read and comment on my blog! facebook fanpage me! follow me on twitter! comment on my videos!

    I did comment on your videos. it was very lonely over there. also I felt pretty retarded because I really had absolutely nothing to say other than the muscle milk pouring part reminding me of jizz and I gagged a little. but I didn’t want to scare off any other potentially sane Asylum common taters so I held back.

    • susanelle said

      I salute you. I was about to comment but there was registration…. and I’m just too fucking lazy to register for one more thing.

      How lazy is that.

      I did give the video a few extra page hits.

    • SallyJFox said

      Hm. We were supposed to hold back on the Muscle Milk innuendo? Damn. Sorry, Asylum. Hope I didn’t make any of your readers squicky. Or any of your contributors. Ahem.

      Swidge, you’re a regular renaissance man. Film, bloggery, MS Paint. That sounds a little sarcastic, now that I read it, but I do actually mean it.

  10. The minute I walked into my mom”s house yesterday I got “Happy Birthday, I have something to show you on the computer.”. The last time that happened, I got a 30 min tutorial on Farmville, so needless to say I was terrified. It was just this stud, though. I’d already watched it like 15 times at that point. Get with the times, mom.

    This kid could potentially get so much 6th grade tail… I totally would’ve thrown my day-of-the-week undies on stage had I witnessed this magic back in 1996. But I don’t think 6th graders wear those anymore. I stumbled across some training bras in Kohl’s the other day with full on padding and underwire. So miniscule and creepy.

    This comment has taken an unnerving turn. Guess that’s nothing new…

  11. AmyAlmost said

    I’m not really into the home made talent videos (also not excited by fireworks so I know the problem is me)… But I thought your mention of the League of Their Own remake was a bit of brilliance. Ideas like that you need to be living in LA, they could use some fresh remake ideas.

    Friday question. Have they given up on the flying car? It’s 2010 and the future just doesn’t seem as exciting as predicted.

  12. Cristalena said

    you forgot to say happy birthday Robert Pattinson!

    which brings me to my question:

    What would a man-date with you and Rob consist of?

  13. kt said

    my roommate has a full on crush on this little guy. she is 23. we were watching him on ellen today and she busts out with “if i were twelve id fuck him.” wtf 12 year olds dont fuck! i was disturbed to say the least. and then when he was on ellen talking about all the phone numbers he was getting i just kept thinking that in a few years he’s probably gonna realize he doesnt like girls all that much.

    sidenote: i just watched an episode of cougar town on my dvr and they made a joke about the character laurie keeping pictures of taye diggs around her house and she says “his smile lights up my world” as she hugs a framed picture. i died laughing and kept saying “taye diggs corollary” between guffaws… my roommates didn’t appreciate the hilarity. it made me sad i had no one to share it with.

    • Cristalena said

      If it’s Greyson or Rob, 12-yr. olds will fuck.

    • cledbo said

      you shared with us kt

      we’re the only ones who understand

      that’s probably a good thing.
      It also means if one of us wins the lottery and KSWI-Con is go, it will likely signal the apocalypse as so many ‘StarScream crazy’ women discuss Wanting IT in person over super-sized banana daiquiris.

  14. cledbo said

    I have no comments yet because my work firewall is box-blocking me, and our house is stuck in the mid-90s and refusing to connect to the internet.

    I will return with comments on underage boy-divas and the white whiteness I expect to witness over at Asylum as soon as I drag my household into the 21st Century.

  15. amanda said

    i concur. this 12 year old is the cats pajamas

  16. Wonder if he has to face head to head with Charice, who will Oprah choose?

    He is younger, plays piano, and inteprets the song differently!

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