Mondays Will Never Be The Same Again

May 17, 2010

Monday morning! WOOOOOoooooooooOOOOOHHHHHH! Don’t you just love the way that rolls off your tongue*? Monday morning? MONDAY MORNING! Monday. Monday! Monday? Mun-day? Mun? MUN! Muh-Nuh! DAY. Monday? Moon-day. Moon-day? Moon-day! Moon! MOON! The Moon’s day? I have a conspiracy theory:

Mondays are in fact the “Moon’s” day. We as a planet are lethargic, cranky, slow, sore and half awake on Mondays. It is a natural response from our typical binge drinking and strip club frequenting weekends. Also, the call back to the working world. The call back to the office or cubicle or paper route. The old familiar computer chair or bicycle seat. We under perform on Mondays. We would be easily bested in a physical competition on a Monday. This is where the alien abductions come into play.

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The inhabitants of the Moon, the Moonians, make the starry lit voyage to Earth and capture human beings to perform sexual experiments on them. They choose Mondays because our guard is down. We’re all barely making it through the day as is. We barely have enough strength to get to work or even pull ourselves out of bed before noon if you happen to be unemployed. I would bet all the Monopoly property I own that all alien abductions happen on Moon-days through out the year. Maybe not all. But most of them. I can’t account for some drunk aliens sexualizing on some humans on Thursday because they’re too messed up to read a calendar. We’re talking about all four railroad squares and some low income housing on Baltic!

Why sexual experiments? Well, that’s easy – we’re fucking hot. Have you see human beings before? We’re some sexy motherfuckers that walk this planet. And we’re not hiding it neither. Just a whole lot of sexy bitches strutting their shit out there. I’m talking male and female! Sexiness can reach a point where there is just no other phrase to utter under your breath when someone that sexy with a penis or with a vagina or, in some areas of LA and NYC and Barcelona, both walks by. Imagine it is 1990 and you just finished seeing the classic piece of cinema Gleaming the Cube on VHS. A minute later, Christian Slater walks by. Too in awe to say anything, he walks past without interaction expect for a wink he gives you when you two meet eyes. A few seconds later, “he is one sexy bitch” would be the only reaction necessary to sum up meeting late-80’s early-90’s Christian Slater. Or if it was 1956 and you are smoking a wooden pipe and walking out of a theater after seeing The Searchers aka Maybe The Greatest Thing You Could Do For Two Hours Outside Of Scarlett Johansson. While you’re standing there going through a box of matches to light your pretentious pipe, Natalie Wood walks by. Her beauty is so striking that you hold your smokey lungs breath in until she passes. And when she is gone you whisper “That is a sexy bitch.” Then you would probably follow that up with, “And I’m going out on a limb on this one, but this Vietnam stuff in the news is completely overblown. I doubt we’ll even remember Vietnam a year from now. Mark my words.”

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So, watch out. If you’re looking extra good today or any other Monday, the Moonians will probably snatch your sexy bitchass. But this only affects Americans. Did I forget to mention that? See Moonians are a lot like Puerto Ricans. They have feisty attitudes, hate being called Mexicans, and they root for the Mets. Also, they are contractually a part of the United States of Amer-greatest country ever-ica, but they have pretty much no say in whatever we do. Remember we did stick a flag in the Moon*, and that shit is legit. You stick a flag into something* then it is yours. Or at least it feels like it is yours until you find someone else sticking a flag into it. Whore! Sorry about that… I digress.

Moon-day is most likely an interplanetary conspiracy for aliens to chloroform and then touch the butts of sexy bitches on Earth.

Or we could turn Moon-day on its head and RECAPTURE it. We should all “moon” each other on Mondays. Just moon the hell out of each other. I’m not talking about plumber’s crack. I’m talking about full on ass directed at another person. And what should you do to respond to someone mooning you on a Monday? First, acknowledgment: Hey, great ass! Then you respond by mooning them back. That could become the handshake of Mondays.

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Of course, if someone moons you on a Thursday, call the cops.

Go out there and moon someone! Moon someone for Moon-day. Let’s take back the night from interplanetary molestation and moon each other. In an effort of solidarity, all countries should get involved. Can’t you just imagine hearing all those unintelligible foreign languages talking about each other having a great ass. Tu tengas una grande whatever “ass” is. I’m no Spanish teacher. Also, as a Spanish teacher it would be improper to teach “ass” to my students.

So it is Monday. Which usually means that Sunday was yesterday. Get it? Sunday then MOON-day! I AM NOT WRONG ABOUT THIS! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! Anyway, Sunday night is a great night for television. Just as this is a great transition for what I was intending to write about today: HBO’s Treme. I wrote a lot about the Moon, butts, and the movie Gleaming the Cube. I was going to write about Treme and how much I and Dawgz enjoy Treme to set up this glorious video clip, but now I’m not. I don’t think any of you really need a setup to any of the madness that this website gives unto you. If you made it through the Moon butt stuff then watch this video.

And pass it onto anyone you know who watches the Treme. Also, you may want to subscribe to the Arnold Brumark youtube channel. I believe more videos should be debuting there on a semi-regular basis. Also Clarke Peters, Wendell Pierce and Steve Zahn are magnificent on Treme. As magnificent as that video of Dawgz singing the Treme title song like he was Louis Armstrong for no apparent reason.

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30 Responses to “Mondays Will Never Be The Same Again”

  1. tiffanized said

    I haven’t read this whole post, but I can’t hold back from saying that not only did I see Gleaming the Cube in theaters, I saw it FOUR times. And I owned the VHS of it until my parents put my box of tapes (including New Kids on the Block’s “Hangin’ Tough” and EMF’s “Smoke the Banger”) in their attic where the tape melted into a sticky and devastating solid reel.

  2. susanelle said

    Whoa, well done, Dawgz! (_._)

    • tiffanized said

      You’re punctuation butt is the best thing I’ve seen all day. On a related note, I hope that is supposed to be a butt.

      • susanelle said

        Hee, yes, that’s a butt… too obscure?

        I coulda put an “x” at the crack mark, or an “@” or a comma… but they all seemed a bit too skeevy.

        Teef, thank you as always for figuring out what we are trying to say and gently translating for the rest. Srsly.

      • susanelle said

        Also, thanks for this movie!!!

      • PWG said

        Is mr. Grey from secretary? Am I a day late and a dollar short commenting because I’m on vacation? I make no apologies for vacation punctuation. Plus this music by the pool sucks ass. Speaking of ass, Natalie woods’l ass reminds me of zees’s cake.

  3. tiffanized said

    I disagree that humans are all vulnerable on Mondays. I’m energetic and ready to go on Monday. I lose steam as the week wears on. If moon people want to touch my butt, their best bet is Saturday morning. I’m totally lethargic and likely hungover–my butt is ripe for the touching. I’d probably even stick it out a little as encouragement, especially if I didn’t get any on Friday night.

    This does beg the question–which you don’t have to wait until Friday to answer–have you ever been involved in a moon landing, a la Modern Family? I tried to find a video, but it just effed up my browser, so you’re going to have to research it if you didn’t watch it.

    • campbelld said

      I believe ‘ready to go on a monday’ sorely needed a *.

      Also, are you energetic to annoy all the people who hate Mondays. I love doing that.

      • tiffanized said

        Kind of. I mean, I have kids at home, so work is a vacation. I’m such a worknerd that I get here a half hour early every day. I roll up with my banana and bagel [please don’t psychoanalyze the sexual nature of my breakfast] and start asking people work related questions as soon as they arrive. Nothing bugs people more than having to answer work questions at 9:00 a.m. on a Monday.

      • campbelld said

        I often start work really early, which means I am used to waking up before everyone else. Favourite game is waking up an hour or so before all my friends do after my night of serious drinking, having a couple of cups of coffee and being all bright and perky when they drag their hungover selves out of bed.

  4. MLF said

    kyle does a pretty decent Louis Armstrong impersonation

  5. Forgetful Lucy said

    Do you take requests? I’d like a cooking segment next starring you and Dawgz in the kitchen. Please video the technique required to prepare frozen crescent rolls along with some type of entree meat, turkey/ham/cornbeef, your choice.

    Jordan, Dawgz is super cute and all, but could you get your ass in front of the camera also and share with us.

    • Indeed, what she said. I know a few of us got really excited about the revealing of Dawgz the other day and all, but we’d be just as happy to see you performing tricks for us on camera. Dance, monkey!

  6. Dolphins? I had always assumed Dawgz was a Steelers fan. Interesting… Anyway, bravo Dawgz. And I don’t know how you sat through that so silently, Jordan.

    I had a slightly risqué dream this morning. I never remember my dreams from the prior night, only the ones that take place in the 20 minutes between my two alarms. Ass (and more) was involved. Tiffanized’s, to be exact. I guess I’ll blame the aliens? Perhaps I was their morning quickie… Though I secretly suspect you’ve spent your free time perfecting a mind control device and are now forcing me to dream inappropriate things about your sexier common taters… If I feel up MLF tomorrow morning, these Moonians are off the hook. I’m onto you, Jordan.

    • MLF said

      I wish I dreamt about feeling you and tiffanized up..instead I’ve been dreaming I’m pregnant nearly every morning, which not only is costing me a fortune in pregnancy tests, but also always leaves me wanting an eggmcmuffin (thanks, PWG lol) and I don’t wake up until noon so I don’t ever get one. I’m considering paying one of my roomates to wake up early enough to get me a couple.

    • tiffanized said

      I probably shouldn’t feel special and honored, but I do. This is a strange life I live.

      • MLF said

        this could potentially be a wild overshare (what else is new..) but the other day I saw a girl identical to you in a very decent lesbian threesome porno. she had shoulder length hair but her face was exactly spot on. Is there something you’d like to share with us Tiffanized?

      • tiffanized said

        Don’t you think if I’d been in a porno I’d have shared it with you before now? Like 8 billion times? Give me some credit for being an attention whore, MLF.

      • MLF said

        You never know…there was no eye contact with the camera so I was thinking maybe yall were unaware you were being filmed. or at least that’s how I was imagining at the time.

      • I’m glad you feel special and honored, because it never occurred to me that I shouldn’t share my dream with you. And the rest of the internet, apparently. But I always tell people when I dream about them. It usually isn’t creepy and sexual, of course… Jordan showed up once. Don’t worry, even in my dreams I don’t follow through with my threats – he was just some guy I was talking to at a bar. But I figured that, with all our fantasy lesbian date talk, you’d get a kick out of the whole situation. So… there you have it: further confirmation that I’m a creep. Surprise!

  7. tiffanized said

    If I’m going to be singing it all day, the rest of you are going to be singing it too.

    Her brother jason had a girl named Grace
    and you could see her ass from outer space
    so I landed on her planet
    and I planted a Mickey Av flag in it, dammit!

  8. You can talk about mooning and Christian Slater and aliens all you want, Jordan, but we’re just going to be over here ignoring that and talking about lesbian porn and our explicit dreams. I’m so sorry. I hope this isn’t too boring for you.

  9. raven said

    I can’t even finish reading your post, I have to comment first. The Searchers? There was nothing better than watching a western with my Dad on a Saturday afternoon when I was growing up, and The Searchers was my favorite. Okay, I’ll go finish reading now, that is all.

  10. campbelld said

    In accordance to this mooning policy, just flashed my butt out my thrid story dorm window. I don’t know if anyone saw it, but I sincerely hope that they did.
    I say sexy bitch under my breath and then sing the David Guetta song to myself. Then I die a little inside.
    And don’t worry, they might have been talking about lesbian porn in the comments, but I was thinking about while I read the post.
    Then I was distracted by Dawgz singing the Treme themesong. Things have changed in my absence.

  11. AmyAlmost said

    You know I completely agree with the alien thing. When we’d road trip in the USA I was always nervous about aliens. Too much X Files in youth does that to you. I feel the same way about driving through tunnels and zombies. We just built a tunnel under our city river and I have to wonder if it’s like ‘if you build it they will come’… What would we need to attract aliens?

  12. cledbo said

    Finally, I’ve discovered the secret to Kayswidge’s success, which of course we all knew anyway.

    I am still being boxblocked by work and a lack of internet at home. I have HOURS of Jordan/Dawgz videos to catch up on. HOURS. Or maybe minutes.

  13. PWG said

    Who the fuck thought we needed a hip hop cover of Baker Street? Stupid pool music.

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