Seriously, Am I The Only One Seeing This?

May 18, 2010

Does Michael Jordan have a Hitler mustache in the new Hanes t-shirt commercial?

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Let me reiterate:

Does Michael Jordan have a Hitler

mustache in the new Hanes t-shirt

commercial?

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WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE!?!

I’m not crazy, right? That right there is Michael Jeffrey Jordan with an Adolf Hitler style mustache. The Michael Jordan, who is commonly referred to as “the greatest professional basketball player EVER”, has shaved his facial hair in the style most commonly referred to as a “Hitler” mustache because of the mass murdering psycho path Adolf Hitler!

I’m not seeing things, right? Because I’m pretty sure I’m seeing “Air” Jordan with a square of facial hair above his upper lip, which was made extremely popular by a man who used German hostility from the conclusion of World War I to start a second World War in which he almost accomplished the genocide of the Jewish people of Earth. To be clear, “His Airness” Michael Jordan is in a television commercial with a style of facial hair that the greatest villain of, at the very least, the 20th Century made popular!?!

I can hear the deniers. I can hear some of you saying, “it’s just a shadow”.

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BUT IT ISN’T! IT’S A HITLER MUSTACHE!

Why does number 23 have an Adolf Hitler mustache on a national television campaign for t-shirts? I mean not that it would be OK for Michael to have a Hitler stache in private, but in public!?! On TV!!??!! I won’t lie that I’ve grown out beards and in the process of shaving them down to nothing, I have at times stopped at a ‘stache or a goattee or even, I hate to admit it, a “soul patch”. I could see in the privacy of one’s own bathroom sporting a Hitler mustache for a few awkward, but humorous minutes or hours. But to walk around in public with one?

Are we all saying that there wasn’t a producer or a make-up artist that never turned to MJ for a second of honesty and said, “You have a Hitler mustache”? Or did that happen and Michael retorted, “Yes and it is staying.” I can’t believe there wasn’t a Hanes representative who at the very least called into his superiors and told them, “Mr. Jordan just showed up on set and he has a mustache that is remarkably similar to Adolf Hitler’s mustache…. yes, that Adolf Hitler.” Or did that happen as well and the bosses at Hanes responded, “We have no issue with Michael Jordan representing our cotton, tagless, stay flat collar t-shirt company with a Hitler mustache on his face.”

I am thoroughly confused by all of this. I love Michael Jordan. Love him. In fact, I keep a laser engraved Michael Jordan signed baseball on my TV stand.

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I love Michael Jordan so much that I honor his career in baseball! That is a lot of love folks. And I just can’t figure out for a second what the hell is going on with Michael Jordan having a Hitler mustache on a Hanes t-shirt commercial. Does Michael Jordan think it is perfectly acceptable for him to groom his own facial hair to make him look as close as possible to Adolf Hitler? Does Michael Jordan look at himself in the mirror and say “Yeah, I can pull off a Hitler mustache. I won 6 NBA championships. I’m justified in any crazy decisions I make about the shaving of the hair that grows out of my face.” Is that what happened?

Or (!) was it that very make-up artist or commercial producer mentioned earlier that thought Michael Jordan would look best with a Hitler mustache for a t-shirt advertisement? Maybe they shaved Michael to a Hitler mustache. Maybe Michael showed up with a full “Brawny Man” beard or a nice “Hulk Hogan” handlebar. And it was someone on set who had the audacity to shave Michael down to a Hitler mustache and leave his greatness unaware of the facial hair taboo on his face. Maybe that happened. Please say that happened.

I honestly have no clue what is going on. I have watched a lot of the NBA playoffs. A lot! And I don’t remember seeing Michael Jeffrey Jordan on the sidelines during the Charlotte Bobcats games against the Orlando Magic with a Hitler mustache. I don’t remember that at all. I think I would remember that. I think that means at some point Michael got rid of the Hitler mustache and is not currently walking around with one.

Nevertheless, Michael Jordan has a Hitler mustache in a Hanes t-shirt commercial forever and ever. How? Seriously, how did this happen?

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But I will say, I need some of those Hanes t-shirts! They’re tagless and their collars don’t bunch up? That sounds like Heaven. A Heaven where I haven’t seen Michael Jordan with a Hitler mustache.

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21 Responses to “Seriously, Am I The Only One Seeing This?”

  1. MLF said

    I feel like Michae’s mustache looks…not a whole lot like Hitler’s. I also feel like it doesn’t suit him. at all. he should shave immediately. blech why am I awake.

    • kt said

      I was gonna say that I think the fact that the Hitler ‘stache looks horrible on him has been overlooked. I’m supposed to be throwing a mustache costume party at the beginning of June and I’m secretly hoping someone shows up dressed as Hitler. Almost as much as I’m hoping someone comes as Burt Reynolds.

  2. susanelle said

    I’m all for “taking back” such things so that evil people don’t have power over us and our things for ever and ever.

    It can be done if the greatest guy in the world sports the facial hair of an evil guy.

    Way to go, Jordan!

    I mean Michael Jordan.

  3. campbelld said

    If anyone was going to be able to undo the damage that Adolf Hitler did to that piece of facial hair, I would hazard a guess that Micheal Jordan would be near the top of the list. He is almost universally beloved, he’s not a political figure and he’s Micheal Jordan. MICHEAL JORDAN, you guys.
    Still, I do not know why this particular piece of facial hair should be brought back. Only Adolf wore it well. And we know how that turned out.

  4. I can’t decide what’s happening there. I’ve stared at the pictures for several minutes and I can’t tell if it’s hair or not. Whatever it is, it’s bad news bears.

    A Michael Jordan baseball, eh? Nice, but more importantly, is that a picture of a tiny Jordan behind it? You should do a “Growing Up Kay Swidge” post where you share childhood photos and we all swoon and coo over baby J.

  5. tiffanized said

    Shame on you. Male pattern lip baldness is a serious problem. Do you see that man’s head? Let him hold on to any weird patch of hair he can grow and maintain, I say.

    Or he could be a Kitler fan. The world may never know.

    I did find this bizarre 42-page booklet called “You and Your Mustache Are Not Alone. Relevance? Thin. Hilarity? Thick.

    • If Jordan wasn’t so worried about looking pretty for the ladies, he could try to rock every single one of those ‘staches during his unemployment, and then make his own booklet. It’s good to have goals.

    • AmyAlmost said

      Kitler. I was thinking the same thing. Maybe Mr Jordan caught onto some new internet crazes and swearing in his sleep at vegetarians didn’t work for the commercial, so he went Kitler.

  6. Crystal said

    I read a post!! I finally talked my company into unblocking blogs so I can read at work. Now I will be back and commenting more than ever!! WOOHOO!!

    Okay, seriously. I thought it was a shadow at first but yeah..he’s got hair there.* It’s weird. What is he thinking?

  7. PWG said

    Look, it’s really hard to see pictures clearly in the bright light by the pool on this glossy-ass iPad. I’lll take your word for it on the ‘stache. Even if it is, so what? Fuck Hitler! Fuck his stupid little moustache. He was a vegetarian, too, did you know that? I hear that all the time. So Hitler was a vegetarian! So I have to eat a hamburger or grow a full moustache to prove I love the gays, Jews, gypsies and Polish? Frankly if a gay Polish Jewish gypsy showed up in my cabana right now I’d give him or her a big lingering hug and buy it a beer. Because I’m that fucking drunk. Yay vacation.

  8. Forgetful Lucy said

    Let’s have a look at the film to confirm it isn’t a shadow, specifially the “Media B Roll”: Bacon Neck, featuring Michael Jeffrey Jordan.

    I believe I spy a soul patch also, so I think this is a combo over/under lip hair-do. It’s stupid as hell and still doesn’t answer the question of WHY. Is the combo better or worse than just the ‘stache?

  9. amanda said

    definitely mustachio.
    also i like this song

  10. cledbo said

    I’m of the opinion that it’s wrong more that it’s ugly, rather than being specifically linked to a mass-murdering dictator.
    I feel the same way about soul patches too.

    I really want to hot wax that sucker off so he’ll remember *never* to do that again!

  11. MLF said

    he has very pointy ears too. I feel like he kinda looks like an evil samurai? maybe a little? no? ok.

  12. tiffanized said

    Here’s the thing. I’ve been thinking long and hard* about this. Even if we are willing to state that it is not a Hitler mustache–even if we call it a “toothbrush” mustache or a tribute to Charlie Chaplin–it is a poorly appointed piece of facial hair. Yes, you can have it, but please make it straight and symmetrical so we know it’s there on purpose.

    I have given this one inch strip of body hair too much attention.*

  13. zman said

    Hitler made it look good and Michael brought it back. Good for him!

  14. VRC said

    Its really not that serious! Hitler hasn’t been the only person in history to wear a moustache such as this. As previously stated he (Hitler) was also a vegetarian, does that mean all vegetarians secretly support hitlers beliefs? No, so then why so much thought on MJ’s moustache? This was entertaining to say the least!

  15. jo jo dancer said

    Dude, you are an idiot. Hitler wore socks..lets stop wearing socks. Hitler’s power comes from people’s fear and ignorance of him.
    You’ve heard this crap for so long generations later you still talk about him like an evil god. Logistically, stalin was more evil than hitler, killing millions more and even trying to erase their existence. USA and Britain firebombed civilians in mass knowing full well they were helpless under a dictatorship. They bombed the supplies going to the camps killing how many more? And as if the Nazis hadn’t done enough bad stuff, they made up things like skin lamps human soap to make sure they were justified. 60 years later, America strolls into iraq killing hundreds of thousand over 10 years in the name of anti-terrorism.The evil is in the heart of almost every nation..the difference is how well they hide it and rewrite it.

    • PWG said

      Can you teach about other things too? Because I have a term paper due next week about gluten allergies, and if I just copy from Wikipedia my teacher notices. If this works out I can throw some more work your way, too. Think of this as your 90-day internship.

  16. Jas said

    How bout Charlie Chaplin he had a mustache I don’t hate Hitler but what about Chaplin

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