What Gloom, What Gloom – It’s a Kerouac Reference

May 25, 2010

Editor aka Me’s note: If these pictures of Kristen Stewart needed a soundtrack I would choose the song “Legal Tender” by Handsome Furs. Here is them playing it at some radio station. It sounds better on the album. Good album.

Back in the day, Norm MacDonald had a stand-up joke talking about waking up in the middle of a great dream and then trying to go back to sleep to finish that dream. The dream you go back into has similarities to the first dream, but they’re a bit disturbed. To paraphrase the joke, “In the first dream I was in a pool with Christie Brinkley and in the second dream I was playing pool with David Brinkley.” ZING!

Personally, I did not get a chance to see what randomness my brain would bring to my initial dream which was incredible although as most dreams do it is slowly slipping from my very memory at this moment like the stench of a hot dog fart in a passing wind. Either way, is there an Asian equivalent of Christie Brinkley who similarly could be humorously replaced by an Asian David Brinkley? Who knows and having to wake up to write this post for y’all is what is stopping us all from finding out.

Lastly, if you are too young to get the references in that joke of David and Christie Brinkley (they’re twins, right? Fraternal of course) then Google the motherfuckers. They’re good people to know. And if you are old and are wondering why I even get the damn Norm MacDonald joke, take into consideration that joke is from a stand-up special he did in 1991 which I saw in 1991 and I got the joke then too. I was 8. I am also a good example that reincarnation or at the very least the passing of one soul who has already roamed the Earth for many years has now somehow ended up as or apart of the psyche of a new human being. What the fuck was an 8 year old doing watching Norm MacDonald stand-up comedy? Don’t 8 year olds play with sticks and mud or something.


Kristen Stewart Kristen Stewart Kristen Stewart Kristen Stewart Kristen Stewart Kristen Stewart Kristen Stewart Kristen Stewart Kristen Stewart Kristen Stewart Kristan Stewart Kristen Stewart Kristin Stewart Kriston Stewart Kristun Stewart

I have not mentioned anything about Ms. Kristen Stewart being attached to the movie adaptation of Jack Kerouac’s On the Road. I think at first it was fear that if I talked about it then it would disappear and cease to exist. That is wildly self-centered of myself to believe I have that much sway or any sway – I’m virtually swayless. Nevertheless, I was excited to read that. This will be a great opportunity for Mrs. Kristen Stewart and I wish her all the best.

As selfishly as I thought I could destroy this movie by merely whispering its name, I’m excited for the movie because it will be a Mr. Kristen Stewart movie that I’m actually looking forward to seeing instead of seeing it just to see how the little “tyke” of a post-teen starlet does. I love On the Road. Love it. Generally speaking I do think On the Road is a guys’ book. It is written from a guy’s perspective and it focuses on two subjects: hooking up with chicks and being friends with other guys. I’m not saying girls cannot like it, but first and foremost On the Road is written for the male gender and in particular the non-gay romantic ones.

But but butt butts, I am looking forward to Dr. Kristen Stewart finally working with … oh… damn it… what is the phrase… hmmmm… it has not happened in awhile… fuck… oh I got it – a GOOD DIRECTOR. Ahhhh yes. That is usually what separates good films from just about every other movie you’ve ever seen in your life: the director. The source material is excellent for On the Road, but the source material is pretty good for a lot of movies and they do not turn out well. Like at all. The source material can only get a movie so far especially if they hire a bad director who takes a hatchet to the script.


Walter Salles has been attached to direct On the Road for several years now. I remember when they first announced it I believe Colin Farrell was rumored to play Dean Moriarty and I believe Jake Gyllenhaul was rumored to play Sal. Anyway, obviously that isn’t happening. Do people even remember who Colin Farrell is? That’s how long ago Walter Salles was attached to make this movie. It’s like 150 years ago! I was thoroughly shocked to read any update about the movie because there was such a void of information about it for so long that I was speechless when I read Kristen Stewart, D.D.S. was in it. I was also speechless because I was alone at the time and had no one besides the Matrix to talk to and we had a fight.

I have faith in Walter Salles because of one movie: The Motorcycle Diaries. If you have not seen The Motorcycle Diaries then you clearly waste your life. Oh I haven’t seen it because I have kids and raising them- BULLSHIT. You haven’t seen The Motorcycle Diaries because you are an avid viewer of Chuck or Law & Order or something else that eats up all your free time and you never think of watching a movie instead. The Motorcycle Diaries is an excellent film and even better it is a film about two buddies traveling, which is essentially what On the Road is.

Walter Salles is a serious director and is the most serious director that Lt. Col. Kristen Stewart has dealt with since Sean Penn. This is good. This is great actually. I am not an actor nor have I been in the acting business unless you consider pretending to laugh at peoples jokes acting. I am not an actor, but I believe that to become a great actor or to at least get better as an actor one must work with better actors than themselves and work with great directors. Sadly, Kristen hit a patch of movies where she was not working with good directors and not working with good actors either. If you want to be a better basketball player then you need to play against better basketball players.

As for the other 3 actors who have been mentioned, I’m not sold on them. I don’t know who Sam Riley is and when I look up his previous movies I see I did see him in the movie Control, but I didn’t like Control. That’s not his fault per say, but you get my point that I have little to go on with “Sam” “Riley”. Garret Hedlund is a decent enough actor and I have thought he’s been pretty good in most stuff I’ve seen him in, but Dean Moriarty? This will be interesting. The most memorable character in On the Road is Dean Moriarty. He is the best friend, the rival, the muse and that is a lot for a young actor who has not done a whole lot to take on. Again, I’m putting my faith into Walter Salles and his vision. Finally, Kristen Dunst is also attached. I have nothing disparaging to say about Ms. Dunst. I don’t really think she could ruin the movie if she tried and I doubt she will try.


Big Chief Kristen Stewart’s role in On the Road is that of a female character. Shocking. Pretty much all the chicks in On the Road, outside of the Mexican share cropper Sal gets hooked up with, are in love with Dean Moriarty. They’re transfixed by him. They know he isn’t good for them because he cheats on them, disappears on them, forgets to call them, decides to live in a new city and get married to someone else on them. Nevertheless, they all are wide eyed in want over Dean and I believe Kristen Stewart is the right jezabel for the job. An unexplainable, unbreakable, uncorruptable longing for Dean is what Kristen will need to portray. Also, she’ll need to get all emo at points when Dean breaks her heart over and over. I think Kristen will do just fine.

Ostensibly, I have always wanted On the Road to be turned into a mini-series for HBO or Showtime. The story of On the Road is not a nice three act story. It moves around and has peaks and valleys. The first 30 some odd pages is one big false start. They travel cross country several times and Dean leaves Sal several times to only meet up with him again several other times. Sal ends up living on the side of a road picking cotton with some Mexican girl he met on a bus. And then the finale of the book is at a strip show in Mexico where one buddy bangs an underage girl. It is a scrolling tale and not a nice arched story.

The book is written like a television show with chapters having cliffhanger endings like an episodic show. Also, as far as visually or even texturally, the feel, or simply how the story should look, I think TV makes even more sense. Films are uniform with their boldness. TV looks cheaper and that can be a strength. Films are grand and hyperbolic. TV can be closer to the Earth in humility. It’s hard to just say in words, but there is a palpable difference between a movie and a television show and how they look (single camera to single camera, I’m not talking about live audiences or anything) and that cheaper look that TV provides I think would be a benefit to On the Road because it is not grand or epic on the scale of a movie, but it is grand or epic to a common life and I think TV could capture that better.

Whatever. Just get inside my head already and see how I’m seeing it in my head and you’ll see I’m right.



21 Responses to “What Gloom, What Gloom – It’s a Kerouac Reference”

  1. susanelle said

    Aiieee! I could barely remember how to spell “Krist*n” at the best of times and now that I’ve read “Kristen, Kristin, Kristan, Kristun” I cannot spell it at all.

    Your point about movies vs. television: very insightful / ensightful / onsightful. Srsly.

    Question for Friday re the Secret Life of Guys: Why do guys need fresh pictures of nude women? Why won’t the same old nude women pix do?

  2. If you really wake up early JUST to write for us… you’re fucking crazy. It’s a little bit adorable, but it’s also a lot crazy. You’re a slave to your craft. And to our niceties. Hm… “niceties” is an interesting word. Our nice ties. YOUR nice ties. Our nice titties.

    What just happened there?

    I’ve never read On The Road. I’ve wanted to, but I haven’t. Yet. I was especially intrigued when rumors started a few years ago that Death Cab for Cutie’s “Bixby Canyon Bridge” was inspired by Kerouac. And I like them, so…

    Anyway… I’ll read the book before I see the movie. But I’m not impressed by the ladies in the movie so far, though. Kirsten Stewart? Meh. Kirsten Dunst? Bigger meh. Mr. Hedlund is pretty easy on the eyes, though.

    • susanelle said

      Hm… “niceties” is an interesting word. Our nice ties. YOUR nice ties. Our nice titties.

      What just happened there?

      Hehheehhhe. You are funny.

      I read On the Road but I can’t remember a thing about it. It’s one of those books that goes right though you, like corn on the cob, giving you no nutritional value but leaving a nice clean colon.

      • Shhh… don’t encourage/incourage/oncourage it, or it’ll never stop rambling.

        My first interpretation of your corn on the cob going right through you thing had nothing to do with eating it and everything to do with another orifice. I think I have issues. Scratch that. I know I have issues.

        My apologies, ladies and… ladies. One gent? Who am I kidding, it’s just us. My apologies to susanelle for my extra weirdness today. I’m riding a caffeine high. I just discovered Dunkin Donuts has coconut-flavored iced coffee. SUMMER IN A CUP!

      • MLF said

        Coconut coffe…blech. I would have been hardpressed to figure out how coffe could be
        more gross alas, they have accomplished that.

      • susanelle said

        corn on the cob going right through you thing had nothing to do with eating it and everything to do with another orifice

        Y-y-y-y-yowch, hon

      • PWG said

        Speaking of summer in a cup, I wish something tasted as good as suntan lotion smells. Not the crappy SPF 80 unscented hypoallergenic stuff they sell today (which is the topical equivalent of bobbing up and down in the Gulf of Mexico), but the baby oil brown SPF 2 stuff I remember from my wasted California youth. I’ve tried pina coladas, Malibu rum, eating the lotion itself, but nothing compares.

  3. MLF said

    I have been sitting in this fucking BoA for an hour and I’m potentially about to kill every person in here. On another unrelated note- I am excited for this movie. I love Kristen dunst and of course kstew. I mean really Kristen (Stewart) could stand infront of the camera stuttering for two hours and I would still love it.

    • Still love it? You already do love it. It’s called Twilight. And New Moon. And Eclipse. And Breaking Dawn, Part 1. And Breaking Dawn, Part WHY THE FUCK ARE THEY STILL MAKING THESE MOVIES AND IN 3D, NO LESS?

      Don’t kill me, MLF. I love you. Take it out on some poor unsuspecting Teller.

      • MLF said

        touche, but that has much more to do with a certain british speaking actor playing the lead male role. embarrasing to admit but true. Also I am ashamed to admit I enjoy the plot. Actually maybe I should say I’m ashamed to admit that I think these movies even HAVE a plot, worthy of being called a plot. does that make sense? whatevs. I love em. judge away.

    • PWG said

      B of A made it to Number 2 on Money’s bad customer service list this year! When you get to the front of the line, congratulate them for it. Don’t curse them before the transaction is over, they have your money.

    • MLF said

      I would never kill any of you….except for death by dryhumping or some shiz like that. I actually apologized to BoA via twitter after they fixed everything for me but…yeah. I’m away from internet for three days or so and log on to find that I have missed account fraud on one of my cards and a unidentified mystery check being cashed on the other. wild fuckery. I did have to wait for about an hour without ever even being acknowledged to be helped, but the lady who did eventually end up helping me was fantastic so all was forgiven. but yeah. Their customer service is awful, but I really can’t complain because their student banking is also the best banking situation for me by far…so…whahh whahh wahhhhh.

  4. AmyAlmost said

    I recently went through the secondhand book phase and I think ‘On The Road’ is one in the stack on top of my bookcase to read. That stack depresses me. The Motorcycle Diaries was excellent. I thought the same things you did although I haven’t read On The Road but knew the gist.

    You watched Norm McDonald stand-up. I watched Peter Greenaway films.

  5. amanda said

    hahaha thanks for that.. i needed a good laugh

  6. cledbo said

    I haven’t seen that movie or read that book. It does sound like The Want will want it up as usual, which for once will be an appropriate response to her fake surroundings.

    Christie Brinkley was hot in the day, and I think she might still be hot now but I can’t google right at the moment.

    Kirsten Dunst is a wet lettuce, and she ruined Spiderman way more than Toby’s creepy ’emo Peter Parker’ acting in the third movie. Wet Lettuce! Get some braces, woman, for god’s sake you make millions of dollars!


    We are totally inside your head too, you know it. We know it. We’re all creeped out by it so lets not mention it again, ok? Ok.

  7. campbelld said

    I have not read this book, and I was actually advised not to bother with Kerouac. I was told he was a hack.
    I have Cat’s Cradle by Kurt Vonnegut. I will read that instead. I just read Cormac McCarthy’s The Road and it was one of the best books I have ever read. Hang on. Those books are both post-apocalyspe books. Hmmm, I am sensing a theme.
    Btw, if Zombies take over, I am going to Alcatraz island.

    • AmyAlmost said

      Australia is a big Alcatraz.

      • cledbo said

        We ended up with Tomorrow When The War Began though, so there’s no escaping the post-apocalypse anywhere it seems.

        Our weather is better than Alcatraz too.

  8. MLF said

    So I finally got around to buying the Elle with Kristen on the cover, and they acknowledged the Want. only they called it “longing” or some other bullshit but they credited it with why the twilight movies have been successfull. Because of her longing (Want) it was actually kind of genius really, when I was reading it at least.

  9. Gabs said

    I haven’t failed in life I guess seeing as how I have watched The Motorcycle Diaries and LOVED it. Walter Salles is directing but you didnt mention that Francis Ford Coppola is producing. It sounds very promising and I have faith that “The Want” will be in very good hands. Im a girl but I can appreciate a good bromance story. I’ll be checking out that book soon. And you others can make fun of her stuttering all you want but admit it, without The Want those movies wouldnt have been even worse. I blame the bad script and bad directors and bad costars. Have faith in the want people. It could do great things someday.

  10. Gabs said

    correction lol..I meant “would have been worse”

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