KSWI Guest Blogger Wednesday: Gerber Edition

May 26, 2010

Editor’s Note: Thank you to friend and confidant Matthew Gerber, Esquire for today’s insightful post. KSWI is 3 for 3 on these Guest Blogger Wednesdays. Please if you would like to write a Wednesday post send me an email at jordankswi@gmail.com . I promise all blood and semen testing is less painful than advertised. Onto the post…

Hello KSWI Readers,

My plan for this guest post was to not have a plan. Then I got kind of nervous when I saw that Jordan had so many commenters, and thought that maybe I should string together a plan. Unfortunately, that thought did not manifest itself into actual action. I am planless. I am working on my own blog (blogdogdotorg.wordpress.com) that focuses on my love of hot dogs, as well as my terrible running career, and that’s like 75% of what I care to write about. So, I am left with no choice but to write about something I am conversational in, and that is my never-ending series of gripes with things happening in porno.

For those of you unfamiliar with Jordan’s blogging past, the elusive Dawgz and myself used to write a semi-frequently updated blog that eventually died of AIDS. My only purpose for bringing up painful ghosts is to point out that I have written about this before. I am pretty mad at porno on a daily basis. I am aware that statement leads the reader to deduce that I watch porn daily. That deduction is correct, so let’s move on and stop judging me. My biggest problem is something that Jordan actually researched when I wrote about it the first time, and it is called the “bob shot”. I am not sure that words can describe how angry this phenomenon makes me. If I was Kristen Stewart, I would do this to the bob shot:

Photobucket

For those unfamiliar, here is my description of the bob shot. Imagine that you are enjoying a sensual adult video, and the position is about to change to the woman sitting down on a couch/chair, and the man is standing up, facing the couch. Then, the camera pans around behind the dude, and you can now see the following things: 1) the dudes back/asshole, 2) the dudes penis from behind, 3) a very small window of the girls vagina. More often than not, the camera is aimed directly into the guys asshole, and maybe 15% of the human skin visible is that of a woman.

Here is my question, in run on sentence form: Why would anybody watching a porno, probably about 90% of whom are dudes, want to watch a scene that focuses the camera into a man’s asshole, and have absolutely no view of the woman’s face or stomach or chest? When the camera pans around to get started on its slow zoom into the guys ass, I get incredibly angry and have either fast forward or turn the video off. My other question is, clearly dudes hate this angle, do girls like it????? Do women like extended shots of a guys ass and back while he is banging??? I don’t really care, because I hate it, but I just want to know if there is a point to this angle.

A similar problem is when they do extreme close-ups on the guy’s face at any point. Why? I mean, I get it, girls watch pornos too, and maybe this is appealing to them, but it makes me want to murder people. I don’t think I’m homophobic but it’s an issue for me to be watching a porno and then out of nowhere be staring at a dude’s face for 30 seconds while I may or may not be attending to my no-no zone.  And I don’t just laugh it off. My issue is that my hatred rises to epic levels. I really, really, really get mad. Like “WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME???????” mad, which is pretty mad.

Next, I hate loud dudes in pornos. If you are a dude in a porno, and you’re really loud while fucking, or talking too much, the odds of me continuing to watch are zero. How could any straight man possible maintain an erection while listening to a dude screaming random nonsensical porno shit over and over again. It is impossible. If I wanted to experience loud sex with a dude I would have called your grandfather. Yet, it happens over and over again (loud dudes in pornos, I only occasionally have sex with your grandfather). The perfect storm is a dude who will not shut the fuck up while his asshole is being filmed in close up bob shot style. If there is a hell, there is a TV playing a loop of this scene and a chair with restraints that sinners are confined to.

I also hate really long pornos. We live in a time when you can click a random link to a porn clip, and it turns out to be a whole hour long movie. That might seem cool, but porn directors are the masters of wasting time. If a porn is an hour long, the first 15-20 minutes are always a worthless attempt at someone acting, or an interview, or god forbid some kind of plot. Then there’s always about 25 minutes of foreplay, and then the last 20 minutes or so there is actual banging. Listen, I get it, most porn actors think that this is just how they’re going to make some extra money while they are waiting for their legitimate movie career to start. Somehow, though, every person in a porno is the worst actor ever. Well, actually, I have to take that back because the worst actor ever is President Charles Logan from 24, Gregory Itzin:

Photobucket

So, everyone in porno is in a tie for 2nd place as the worst actor in the world. Just because you’re in front of a camera doesn’t mean I want to see you pretend to have a phone conversation pretending to ask your best friend if you can bang her brother. YOU’RE GONNA DO IT ANYWAY!!! I think I’d actually pay to see a movie where a 19 year old girl is sitting on her bed, and the friends brother is outside mowing the lawn shirtless, and the girl calls her friend to ask if she can bang her brother.

Girl:  OMG, your brother is so hot, why can’t I bang him??????
<pause>
Girl: Oh, Ok. Nevermind. You’re a good friend, I won’t bang him.

[End Scene]

Stop patronizing your friend with the fake phone call, you’re going to bang her brother because you are of legal age and enjoy exploring your sexuality!!!!!!

Finally, I would like to discuss how terrible porn is once you are ready to put your pants back on. Sometimes I compile a few clips I might get to, time permitting. Often times I am left with a few videos that I didn’t get to, and without fail I instantly delete them. This doesn’t make much sense, because just a few moments ago they “made the cut” of movies I might enjoy. Two minutes ago, I could not wait to watch some random girl get banged, but now I have no interest in even fast forwarding to see what happens. This really has nothing to do with how pornos are made it’s just some strange psychological phenomenon that scientists will have to spend CENTURIES decoding. One day our children will write an advanced college thesis about why porno is great one moment, and terrible the next.

I also get that people have different preferences. There may be someone reading this whose favorite moments of any porno are when they pan around to start shooting the guys ass for the next 10 minutes, or may really be looking forward to when the do a close up on the guy making some retarded face for a while. If you are one of those people, rest assured there is no lack of your favorite porn moments on the internet.

Photobucket

Here are my suggestions, and my knowledge of existing solutions. First, I know some people might say, “If you hate porno so much, just stop watching it!” To that I respond, how dare you. I love porno enough to care, and try to improve it. I know that there are websites and movies that feature only movies that have no men in them. That would totally eliminate the bob shot and dudes yelling during the tender moments. There are also no extreme close ups on dudes’ faces while I might be involved in something private. The problem is that lesbian porn gets boring, and frankly I don’t even mind that there are penises in the room. I don’t even mind close-ups on penises. But asshole and face close-ups have to go. One great development in the porno industry is the POV, or “point of view” shot, which is essentially shot from the dude’s perspective. The POV shot is a sign that we truly can address society’s problems in an effective manner.

Sure there may be some terrible things going on in the world, but people are smart enough to fix them. The economy sucks right now, but I have confidence it will rebound. There have been a ton of natural disasters, but the ship always seems to right itself. And in the same vein, pornos exist that totally eliminate all of the things that piss me off.  I won’t rest until a wide breadth of porn exists where males are participating, but only how I see fit. One day I will open a school where our motto is “Men in pornos should be seen, unless they are being shot from behind or it’s a closeup of their face, and not heard.” That will be a great day in American history, a day we can all be proud of. That day….will be my new Independence Day.

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59 Responses to “KSWI Guest Blogger Wednesday: Gerber Edition”

  1. PWG said

    Matthew, if you’re going to guest blog you need to give us something to hang our stalker hats on. A little biographical information that we can use to visualize you:

    Dear Penthouse Forum:
    I never thought I’d be writing to you! I’m 5’6″ with long blonde hair, blue eyes, 40DDD tits and an ass that won’t quit. I was home all alone the other day, when . . .

    You watch porn, you know what comes next. Ahem. Also, if that description actually fits YOU, I’m going to be very discomfited.

  2. PWG said

    I am disturbed that I have so many opinions on this subject. At my age I feel like I should have 4x as many opinions on Western European currency issues as I have on “what’s wrong with porn” but, uh, I don’t. Also, don’t read the following comment, because it’s gross and too descriptive.

    1. The gaping ass shot. No, no, no, no, no, a million times no. I’m not a man, but my assumption was that the appeal of sticking your dick in an ass is that it’s a) taboo and/or b) tighter than a vagina, not that you want to actually investigate what all’s up in there. Correct me if I’m wrong, maybe the appeal is telling yourself that your dick is soooooo big that the catcher can’t even, uh, squinch up their ass afterward. Go ahead and assfuck all you want, on camera or off, just don’t show me the aftermath. And if it’s just to appreciate the visual of your semen dripping out of it, you seriously need a hobby.

    I might be biased because I saw a camera fog up after an actress farted on it once in a porn shot. It’s put me off the asses altogether. Plus, you spoiled kids and your free internet porn snippets, bah! We used to have to go to the video store and rent VHS tapes in person! And then fast forward to all the good parts!

    • tiffanized said

      How did I miss the camera fogging fart comment? Reading that was, by far, the happiest moment in my day. I will stay up until the wee hours internet searching “porn actress camera fog fart” and variations thereof.

      • Oh, I didn’t miss it. And neither did my comorkers because I cackled. If you do find this gem, I expect you to share it with me. Please and thank you.

      • campbelld said

        I have seen more gross-out porn than I care to think about. Every time I get drunk with certain group of friends one of the guys whips out* his phone and shows us the latest. I am scarred.

    • AmyAlmost said

      I remember the VHS days. XXX was considered illegal or something here so a video store in Paddington used to cut off the ratings and have them on shelf next to Foreign Films.

  3. PWG said

    Much worse than the Bob shot: Twincest

    Yeah, they can psychoanalyze all they want about how same-sex sibling sex is less genetically wrong than incestuous sex that could produce offspring. Ick. Ick ick ick make it stop ick ick ick get it off me ick ick and more ick. Also wrong: Ron Jeremy. How is that man a porn actor?

    • tiffanized said

      I actually love Ron Jeremy as a human being. He’s infinitely smart and once he sent me an autographed picture of himself because I sent him a picture of my rack. That being said, no, I don’t want to have sex with him ever.

      • PWG said

        The judges are going to need to see both of those pictures before making a final decision.

      • tiffanized said

        I lost them in the divorce. I really and actually did.

      • PWG said

        That is just wrong. Any man who would take both your rack pictures AND the autographed Jeremy photo was so clearly not worthy of you. I am very sincerely indignant on your behalf.

  4. tiffanized said

    Welcome to KSWI, Gerber. Don’t take offense when we only comment peripherally on your post and instead talk about whatever we want to in the comments. I hope you’re not sorry.

    Considering the dearth of decent porn for women, you may be talking to the wrong people. Most porn is not good for women, which as you know, make up approximately 94.7% of Jordan’s audience. In keeping with the KSWI common tater habit of derailing the comments, I present you with my list of porno complaints:

    1. The women in pornos are usually not enjoying the sex. Guys are often horny enough to ignore or are completely oblivious to this fact, but few of the women in porn are enjoying it. They are definitely acting, and though the vagina-havers can see right through it, it is apparently good enough acting for the penis-havers.
    2. Anal sex. I don’t even need to explain myself to women here. If a woman can cum from anal sex it means she has a prostate and was born with a penis. Otherwise, it just effing hurts.
    3. Ugly guys. The good looking guys are all in gay porn, which is why I watch gay porn. I don’t need to fuck gorgeous guys in real life, but porn exists to be visual, and if I wanted to have a sexual experience with an unattractive hairy dude I’m sure I can pick one up in the beer aisle at the grocery store.
    4. The slow-mo cum shot. Like the never-ending, multiple angle explosion in an action movie, the slow-mo cum shot is extraneous and useless. I realize they call it the money shot for a reason, but dragging it out dilutes its power. Just show me lots of them at regular speed in rapid succession. Much more interesting.
    5. Teen porn. Squick. Watch it if you want, but I don’t trust those disclaimers that the girls were 18 at the time and I’m not going to jail for watching a hairless, boobless girl get mauled by some middle-aged guy on a dirty sofa. I don’t watch teen boy porn for the same reason, because it’s always some cougar in glasses giving a sloppy blowjob to some knobby-kneed kid.
    6. MILF porn. This shit is ruining my life. For some reason, the rise of MILF/cougar porn has led to a stream of dudes in their early 20s who want me to teach them my “worldly sexual ways”. This sounds like fun on the surface, until you find out they’re usually whiny jackhammers who get all pouty when you point out that they’re furiously rubbing two inches to the left of where they’re supposed to be. I now require two references before getting naked with anyone under the age of 25.

    • PWG said

      Very good points. I’d like to add a #7, which is the constant flipping around into new positions. This is not required element ice dancing, where you get points taken off for not completing every move.

    • kt said

      I agree with everything you said. Except the MILF part because I am under 25 and sans kids. I especially agree with #3. Anyways, I would like to add to your list.

      8. Lack of natural boobs. Maybe I’m just a purist but I’m really sick of fake boobs in porn and the fact that 90 percent of the fake boobs are really badly done. Real boobs, big or small or floppy or perky,are preferable IMHO.

      9. Bad moaning. I think this goes along with the chicks not enjoying it but I turn off more porn just because they way the girl is screaming/moaning is so friggin fake and repetitive and overall annoying that I am totally turned off. NOTHING kills my lady boner faster.

      As a sidenote, I pretty much only watch amateur porn anymore because it solves almost all of my complaints. Except for the hot guy part, you still pretty much have to go to gay porn to find that.

      • Amy D said

        10. Deep throating to the point of barfing on the monster cock, and still truckin’ like we all want to see that dripping down his shaft. And your chin. I’m going to be sick just thinking about it….

      • PWG said

        Is there such a thing as Porn Actress French Manicure Talons? I guess the directors think that look sets off a handjob really nicely. If I’m noticing her manicure, either the acting or directing sucks.

      • Amy D said

        11. Razor burn. And braces. Sadly, I’ve seen a quality film that combined those two lovely gems. The guy had on reflective sunglasses, braces and a gold chain. All while giving it to the worst case of razor burned vajayjay I’ve even seen, i looked like the poster child for why Cali wants the actors to strap it up.

      • Amy D said

        Oh lord in heaven, fantastic spot to have a freaking typo!! Not “I”, it was supposed to be “IT”. It was the poster child, not me dammit!!

      • tiffanized said

        PWG, that’s like me going to strip clubs and checking out the shoes. Men always think it’s sexy to haul me into the local nudie bar until I start ranking the dancers by shoe cuteness. The conversation goes something like:

        Him: You’re not supposed to be looking at the shoes.
        Me: Then take me somewhere where I can see a swinging penis.

        Usually I get to resume my shoe game.

      • MLF said

        agreed, agreed, ditto. Amateur porn does solve a lot of problems. In general I watch mostly that along with lesbian porn, which has a lot less fake moaning AND fake tits, so that’s a win win.

    • Amy D said

      Teen Porn – I was just taking to the SO about that this morning. We were discussing whether or not we would be interested in watching the new Kendra tape, but given that she was a teen I felt a bit pedi about it. Yes, 18 is legal. But it’s still a teen for shit’s sake. At some point it would be like watching your kid’s friend being banged, and that just says Jerry Springer or Maury to me.

      • kt said

        I watched a clip of that this morning. She looks almost exactly the same except she has these cute little perky boobs, so I honestly didn’t even think about the fact that she is really young. I was more concerned with the dudes choice of Borat inspired underwear.

      • MLF said

        Maybe this is just me but I don’t want to look at Kendra at all, ever, whether she’s fucking someone or not. or hear her laugh. *shudder*

  5. mattgerber said

    anyone wishing to stalk me can check out my blog, where there is a picture of me and food I have eaten (blogdogdotorg.wordpress.com)

    • PWG said

      Oh, sorry, if it’s going to be easy we don’t want to do it. Jordan, show him how to play hard to get.

    • Kudos to you and your beard, as well as your blog’s name which reminds me of Bob Loblaw’s Law Blog. But I’m calling wild shenanigans on your blog, Sir Gerber. Lured there by the promise of extensive hot dog discussion, I was expecting to find a veritable treasure chest of hot dog facts and maybe even photographic/video evidence of you housing said hot dogs. Instead, I find ONE fleeting mention of hot dogs on the first page. SHENANIGANS! False advertising! A blog should always be topical and relevant to the main theme, right Jordan?

      (That was a long way to go for a mediocre joke… But I do really like hot dogs AND live in Jersey, so if you truly are a hot dog aficionado, then I am here to learn.)

      • mattgerber said

        I am currently in the information gathering stage for my hot dog posts, rest assured there will be plenty of hot dog discussion to come on my blog. I have like 20 pictures of hot dogs waiting to be blogged about, I just want to make sure I have a good base of facts before I start making bold statements

      • Freya said

        Seriously? You can even MENTION hot dogs without a giggle after the post this man just wrote?

      • Oh, I think it’s understood that I laughed. This is me we’re talking about here, after all. But it was either (a) talk about hot dogs or (b) confess the sordid details of my personal habits pertaining to pornographic video viewing… I’m pretty sure no one wants to hear about what happens when the panda ears come off, so I played it safe, avoided crashing and burning in the TMI zone, and chose option A. You’re welcome.

      • susanelle said

        when the panda ears come off

        “When the Panda Ears Come Off”

        Oooo… I smell a blog and/or book title!

        Well, I can’t really smell it from here, but knowing HeyB, there’ll be smells. Oh, there’ll be smells.

      • tiffanized said

        I don’t know, susanelle. “When the Panda Ears Come Off” sounds like furry porn.

      • Christ, ladies. Had I known this was the route these comments would take, I would’ve just fessed up to my masturbatory techniques and pornography preferences. For the record, Gerber, Jordan, and all innocent bystanders: I don’t smell and I’m not into furry sex.

        Wait a minute… that would make a great subtitle.

        “When the Panda Ears Come Off: I Don’t Smell and I’m Not Into Furry Sex” coming to a Best Seller list near you.

      • kristenstewartwantsit said

        “When the Panda Ears Come Off: I Don’t Smell and I’m Not Into Furry Sex” coming to a Best Seller list near you.

        “When the Panda Ears Come Off: I Don’t Smell and I’m Not Into Furry Sex” coming* to a Best Seller list near you.

        or

        “When the Panda Ears Come Off: I Don’t Smell and I’m Not Into Furry Sex” cumming to a Best Seller list near you.

        *fixed

      • PWG said

        Or again, as a bullet point on a resume. Tell the truth, our last resume suggestion is what got you your new job, isn’t it?

      • PWG said

        I had to look it up.

        susanelle said
        May 11, 2010 at 8:16 pm
        Now that — that is legible handwriting.

        It suggests an attractive, fuckable person, who is also organized and trustworthy.

      • susanelle said

        That handwriting also suggests she has a small, barely visible golden mustache and exudes the faint perfume of freesias.

      • Golden whatnow? We may have different understandings of what a golden mustache is. What are you trying to do to my reputation, woman? My new blogger friend G-Spot over here will never tell me where all the hot dog hot spots are if you keep this up.

      • susanelle said

        Hehee — oops, did I say “white mustache”?

        No, of course I didn’t — pretty girls don’t have to work that too often. Only when drunk, amirite?

        I dunno, I think Jordan ought to take HeyB on a date to a place with good light… say, a sunlit meadow? and check for a ladystache.

      • Whoa, whoa, whoa! Looks like someone’s finally figured out how to work his comments section. Look at you deftly and skillfully inserting yourself right where you belong, right between me and PWG.*** Bravo.

  6. susanelle said

    Thank you to friend and confidant Matthew Gerber, Esquire

    Holy shit — this guy writes for Esquire????!!!!

  7. PWG said

    I prefer movies with real actors that have good sex scenes. I am NOT thinking of you, Titanic. Unfaithful maybe, I liked The Big Easy, too. Secretary was great and funny. Out of Sight.

    • tiffanized said

      Does it say something about me that I found Secretary to be a great love story? And that I might want that type of relationship, minus the urine-soaked wedding dress and needle set?

  8. PWG said

    Friday question: what’s up with all these runner friends, Jordan? Personally I prefer my friends to be lazy. As well as worse parents and horrible housekeepers.

  9. Wow. As if I couldn’t love you ladies any more than I already did… I feel like we’ve all bonded over our porn preferences. This is a glorious moment.

    PWG, Tiff and KT have covered pretty much everything already, so I’ll just say “ditto”. I don’t enjoy the “bob shot”. Sometimes I wonder if it’s the director’s attempt at being creative, since it’s technically an angle we would never see in real life… But for fuck’s sake, let go of your film school dreams and forget your “artistic license” – no one wants to see that.

    So instead, I will take issue with a seemingly inconsequential comment you made: “the worst actor ever is President Charles Logan from 24, Gregory Itzin”. WHAT? WHAT?! How can you say such a thing!? I take no issue with him. I mean, technically I loathe him, but that’s because I’m supposed to. But for all intents and purposes, I “like” him just fine. Not to mention that, next to Freddie “Fuggedaboudit” Prinze Jr., the man looks like friggen Denzel Washington.

    • MLF said

      truth. it is nice to know that if we all sat down to enjoy some porn together, we would have no problem on agreeing what to watch, and that right there is pretty much true love.

      • Oh, I’ve already added it to KSWI-Con’s agenda:

        12:00 – Wake up
        1:00 – Lunch
        2:00 – Happy Hour #1
        3:00 – Porn Corner with the Sister-Wives
        4:00 – Same-sex makeouts and shiny underwear modeling
        5:00 – Happy Hour #2
        6:00 – Wantology 101
        7:00 – Happy Hour #3
        8:00 – Massage Mania: how many rubdowns can Jordan get in an hour?
        9:00 – Fuck schedules, where’s the tequila?

        Rinse and repeat.

      • PWG said

        Oh! Oh! Oh! Do we have to sign up early for a good slot on the fuck schedules?

      • I don’t do this often but… HAHAHAHAHAHA. I don’t have anything witty to say back. That was just excellent.

      • kt said

        So, uh, when is this taking place? I need to mark it down in pen on my calendar.

      • PWG said

        Tiffanized, can kt borrow your red Sharpie?

      • Amy D said

        Shiny underwear modeling, nice. It’s those subtle touches* that really pull a conference together. Love it.

      • MLF said

        I have never been more excited for any convention in my life! and I have been to some awesome conventions. the only problem is I would typically still be sleeping durring lunch but hey! starting happy hour on an empty stomach will only lead to an even more epic Porn Corner

      • Ok, MLF… but Amy D has rules about barfing and porn, so let’s pace ourselves. The Porn Corner is nothing if not #classy.

      • cledbo said

        3 happy hours in one day?

        Same sex makeouts and massages?

        We are the very definition of #class, occsionally also hashtagged as #crazysluts

  10. cledbo said

    You all rule. And Matt, you’re ok too. I like a man with a nice rant. That sounds dirty, but it’s not.

    I gave up on porn long ago, and now I live vicariously through fan fiction. In my mind, the guy is always Rob hot, and never making inappropriate faces or noises. And the girl always wants IT. Far superior, though I am aware that men are visual creatures who aren’t always good with their imaginations. With about 20mins of uninterrupted me time, I can orgasm without touching myself – top THAT.

    TMI, love it. Live it. See you all in shiny underwear!

    • MLF said

      I have watched a special on that before- on how to orgasm through guided meditation and breathing technique… I totally cannot. very jealous.

      • cledbo said

        Meditation and breathing have nothing to do with it.

        I have MOTU and a very kinky and active imagination to thank.

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