I Can Sweat Miracles Out These Dirty Pores

May 27, 2010

Just filthy. FILTHY. On a crystal clean family run website like Kristen Stewart Wants IT, I cannot believe the filth that was passed around as the Queen’s English in the comments section yesterday. I am shocked or SHOCKED at how an innocent guest blogger like Matthew Gerber, Esq. could write a well constructed article, dealing with his personal preferences regarding the video recording of making love, and what does Sir Gerber receive for this illustrious task: “I guess the directors think that look sets off a handjob really nicely.”

What? Excuse me, Missssss, but everyone can hear you! This website is a respite for the weak and weary to passionately discuss intellectual musings like “Imagine, Kristen Stewart fought a velociraptor with Jessica Biel’s head on it – thus, making it a Jessociraptor… Biel. Which half of the Jessociraptor would Kristen need to focus her attacks on first: the head of Jessica Biel or the dinosaur body?” Instead of this typical fare, KSWI was treated to an ongoing stream of filth. “Deep throating to the point of barfing on the monster cock, and still truckin’ like we all want to see that dripping down his shaft.” Dirty words! Dirty, dirty words.


Hopefully, Herr Gerber was not too offended and one day will try again with you disgusting degenerate dancing dastardly dames. Thank you, Gerbz for your informative essay. I agreed with several points made in said article, but I have a few thoughts to add in contrast.

1. Love for Writers – I enjoy a good storyline in a porno. I’m not into the more elaborate ones with pirates or when they’re wearing wings and fog is billowing in off camera. A simple storyline that we all can understand and can follow along with giving this act of love a context. Teacher/student, boss/secretary, or it just so happens the showers at the gym are coed and have no partitions granting any bit of privacy. A simple beginning that sets up why we are all here, a middle where the sexy eyes is featured, and then he sticks it into her end.

2. Don’t quit your day job – I watch amateur porno and professionally done porno. The amateur stuff is great for a lot of the reasons many mentioned in the comments, but the amateur stuff always lacks in overall presentation. Usually only one camera angle, terribly lit, bad sound, sometimes no sound, or the worst is hearing whatever God awful music these two fuck bunnies listen to and think is appropriate for their amateur porno. She’s cute, he’s almost completely out of frame, they’re humping like rabbits, but for fuck’s sake could someone turn off the Stone Temple Pilots in the background. At some point, I may want to listen to “Interstate Love Song” again without thinking of his balls slapping against her ass.

I could go on, but I will keep my thoughts on this to a minimum at the moment. I do agree with most of the comments made and I’ll leave it at that.

Actually, I have to open discussion on KSWI-Con – I would like to enact a certain well-known law for the entirety of its proceedings: What hath happeninth at KSWI-Con stayeth at KSWI-Con. I’m glad that is settled. So feel free to experiment to your full capacity. And don’t mind the video cameras because that is all for my personal collection and not to blackmail you with later in life. And I would like a monogrammed robe for the event.

I also wanted to mention with Memorial Day pretty much sitting on our doorstep that next week will be a short week. I know I won’t be posting on Monday and Tuesday. At the earliest more KSWI want will be written about on Wednesday.

I am not at all sure what my plans are for this weekend. I would imagine a lot of it has to do with getting all that booze in my tummy, but that’s not a “plan” – it’s a given. One thing I am thoroughly looking forward to is the UFC event featuring Quinton “Rampage” Jackson vs. “Sugar” Rashad Evans. If you must know, I am rooting for Rampage. You all may root for him as well so then later you will not feel guilty when he is entertaining you in The A-Team which is in theaters in June. Rampage also howls to psyche himself up prior to a fight, so the Team Jacob girls could be into that. I am a fan of Rashad, but Rampage is one of my favorite fighters. I really can’t wait to see that old soldier Rampage at 31 years old beat up this new young buck Rashad at 30 years old. Get ’em RAMPAGE!

All this porn talk, fitted robes, and professional cage violence is really not helping how I feel, which is shitty. I went to a bar last night from 6 to 11 or so. Nothing crazy happened. Had a few beers, shot Jameson et cetera. But when I got back to my apartment I was hungry. It was midnight and the one thing that I knew for a fact was open and quick on a Wednesday night was Burger King.

I have made comments to the fact that I believe Burger King to be the worst of the fast food chains. I also have made comments to the fact that I believe eating an order of Burger King’s onion rings takes off 3 months of one’s life. If you sit still enough you can actually feel your life force die a little when you eat one of their onion rings. So I know this. I know it because I believe it and I live by it and I preach it. But take a wild guess what happened when I got home.

I ordered a chicken sandwich, onion rings and a diet coke because of the calories et al. First and foremost, why did I order onion rings? They don’t taste bad, the Burger King fries are black eye on America’s history greater than the “Bay of Pigs” and its failed invasion of Cuba, and when given the option of onion rings for the same price value as atrocious french fries then I have to get the onion rings. I’m not eating their fries, so why pay for them.

Currently, I can still feel the “conflict” in my stomach. I couldn’t sleep all night from what must’ve been billowing flammable fumes exiting all of my orifices. I couldn’t sleep like that. Right now, I feel like I’m moving through sand. Since I will be leaving you “shortly” today, I will leave you with a preview for the “List of 50 women over 60 years old that men should f@#k” –

Linda Thompson – 60


I have the list already set and ready: 50 women and a few honorable mentions. But Linda Thompson had to show up to the 60 club this week. Linda is best known nowadays for being ex-wife of Bruce Jenner and in that marriage giving birth to lovable Californian playboys Brandon and Brody Jenner. Linda was also quite the forgettable actress as well. Nevertheless, Linda Thompson is 60 years old and is women that men should want to fuck.

Questions for Friday.


46 Responses to “I Can Sweat Miracles Out These Dirty Pores”

  1. MLF said

    I cannot remember the last time I ate BK. I’m pretty confident that it was at least five years ago, if not more. WITH THE EXCEPTION- of their french toast sticks. which are amazing. they should be their own food group actually. Same goes for McD’s….I would never, never eat a burger from McD’s (sober, at least) but wholy eff we all know how I feel about Egg McMuffins.

    Sadly I am also incapacitated this morning as well, but from healthy pursuits rather than BK poisoning. Like many of Kswizzle’s friends, I enjoy running. Or at least I used to. Not so much anymore apparently. Yesterday I went for my first run in a longggg time. I am back at my parents house so there are no attractive college age coed’s to watch me embarras myself while I drag my out of shape body across the pavement. Which is basically what happened. Also embarrasing was how I had to tape both legs from the knee to ankle prettt-which may have contributed to the running difficulty- bending your knee is usually a requirement of running as it turns out.

    • MLF said

      wholy eff…not to be confused with a divine fuck, just a porous one.

    • campbelld said

      I saw people having a screaming argument about whether or not to go to BK to get burgers today. It was pretty darn hilarious.

      • MLF said

        yes we americans are pretty passionate about food. I once saw two women (and I use that term loosely) fist fight in a Sunoco over the last package of Ho Ho’s or some other disgusting Hostess creation

  2. PWG said

    Was it your intention that we feel chastised for the Comments section yesterday, Sir? Because the only way I could be prouder is if I could claim authorship of BOTH your filthy examples up there. Alas.

    I doubt we offended Gerber Daisy’s tender sensibilities yesterday. Either he reads your blog and knew ahead of time what he was wading into, or he knew nothing whatsoever about your audience and was trying to startle the horses. That may be a phrase no one in the 21st century but me is familiar with. In the latter case, all I can say is BWAH Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

    • MLF said

      I am familiar with startling the horses and I will raise you a “spook the herd”: nerdy cowboy speak for 200, please

    • Amy D said

      Yes! I am published and quoted dammit! And my career counselor said I needed a college education, what a load*. This is so being taped to the fridge….

  3. PWG said

    I believe the proper background music for handcrafted porn is Bolero.

    • campbelld said

      I wouldn’t mind hearing some John Williams movie themes. Star Wars Imperial March, for example. Tha’d be hot.

      • PWG said

        My friend played that at her wedding when she walked down the aisle. It was pretty great. They got married in 2001 just so they could have a “2001: The Wedding Odyssey” space theme.

  4. kt said

    So I kinda like BK, but I guess I am alone there. Anyways, the do, or did it might not be available anymore, have a CUPCAKE MILKSHAKE. Yes, thats right. A liquid diary product that is supposed to taste like a cake. My roomie and I had to have it when we heard about it. So we go to BK and it isn’t even on the menu. We ask for it anyways and they asked how we knew about it because it wasn’t even really supposed to be out yet, but they made it for us cause we are awesome. First, it looked just like a cupcake with sprinkles on top and the milkshake part was amazing. It tasted exactly like yellow cake batter. It may have actually been yellow cake batter. It kinda made me a little sick it was so sweet. The “icing” should have just been whipped cream but instead they topped it with this horrible lard concoction that left a film on the top of my mouth. It pretty much ruined the genius idea of a cupcake milkshake. They dropped the ball and I still find myself a little disappointed.

    Also they think sprite and oj makes a mimosa. Fail.

  5. Lala said

    Last night I dreamed of KSWI-con. There was not shiny underwear modeling, but everyone was there. Well, except for you, Jordan, in my dream you said something about having to watch something on TV… and then you left. I didn’t get this part either.
    Anyway, I really like BK, I think their sandwiches are much better than McDonald’s.

    • Dude… you subconsciously cockblocked Jordan in your dream. I can’t stop laughing.

      I think I already admitted once that Jordan appeared in one of my dreams, yes? The story: I was at a bar (yes, I dream about drinking apparently), and he showed up alone. He was talking to me and my friends, but I kept ignoring him (sorry?). And then he turned Asian.

      That’s it. My dream about Tiffanized was more scandalous…

  6. The head of Jessica Biel on the body of a velociraptor? I daresay, that’s a one-way ticket to obscurity for Ms. Biel. And single-dom. I think His Royal Timberlake would be more likely to risk bringing sexy back with the head of a velociraptor on the body of Jessica.

    You can scold us all you want, but I think you’re secretly proud of us for yesterday’s comment shenanigans. Like PWG, I too am interested to know what Gerber Baby thought of it all… I’m also still totally craving hot dogs today. Thank God I have about 15 bbq’s to attend this weekend.

    • Amy D said

      I saw a Hebrew National commercial last night and thought of Mr. Gerber and wondered if those would be included on the blog.

      • mattgerber said

        Hebrew National is not my favorite, and very few restaurants serve them. I’ve eaten at about 15 hot dog places in the last 2 months and I have yet to eat a Hebrew National. That said I do not discrimate and would love to write about a HN

      • MLF said

        Hebrew National makes some downright delicious pigs in a blanket. you can buy them in the frozen section at Walmart…omigod. I must go buy some. right now. they are that good.

    • kt said

      I bought hot dogs and buns today at the grocery store thanks to yesterday.

    • mattgerber said

      I was very loosely familiar with Jordan’s fans and frankly forgot I was supposed to guestblog, and honestly the only thing I knew I could churn out quickly was a porn rant. I thought everyone’s comments were awesome, and I was not offended in the least. Also, in response to one of your comments from yesterday, my blog name is a thinly veiled reference to Bob Loblaw’s Law Blog. The quote at the end of my post was also an AD reference. (“Children should be seen and not heard”)

      • cledbo said

        Apart from being an AD reference, I thought that was an inalienable truth, so rarely actually adhered to by the youngest members of our species.

        That and leaving doors open = being raised in a barn.

      • MLF said

        I never understood why people say that about leaving doors open…trust me, no doors are being left open in a barn unless you want all your animals to get loose and into the feed. not good.

        fun fact- horses will eat themselves to death. happens from time to time when assholes forget to bolt the feedroom door. sad face.

        other fun fact- some horses can open certain doors. like mine, who especially loves to set herself free when staying overnight at different showgrounds.

      • Apart from being an AD reference, I thought that was an inalienable truth…

        That’s actually why I didn’t say anything about it – just because I turn everything imaginable into an Arrested Development reference, doesn’t mean it actually is. I even had something typed up about how Milford Academy should start churning out more porn stars so that Señor Gerber wouldn’t have to see OR hear men in his porn… But figured it may be too obscure and decided not to hijack the comments with my AD nonsense per usual.

        I will say this, though: I’m dangerously close to switching to Team Gerber at this point. Sorry, Jordan. Or rather, you’re welcome. I’ll be his headache now.

  7. I’m on board with the “What hath happeninth at KSWI-Con stayeth at KSWI-Con” slogan, but it’s a little bit wordy. For one, I suspect we’re going to be annihilated for around 99.7% of our time together, so saying/remembering that is going to get pretty difficult. And two, I was planning on having some KSWI-Con gear made up, and it’s too long*; it doesn’t fit on any of CafePress’s thongs and boyshort underwear, which I took the liberty to assume would make up the bottom half of the conventions required uniform. Yes? No? It might fit on some sweatpants…

    Also, let’s all agree that Burger King will not cater KSWI-Con. The last time I was at a BK was St Patrick’s Day 2009. After giving my number to a strange man in the parking lot – who was wearing sweatpants and was accompanied by a male friend with braided pigtails – I met up with friends inside and ate more BK than I did in the 25 years prior. At one point I even uttered the phrase “You go to the bathroom, I’ll get us more cheeseburgers.” Drunken strategery at it’s best. So let’s just ban BK now. Thanks.

    • Amy D said

      Ohhh, I believe you will have to work a body painting workshop into the schedule. This will take care of the KSWI-Con logo not fitting onto boyshorts. Perhaps this event should be scheduled before the same-sex make out session.

    • PWG said

      I eagerly await my KSWI-Con attendance confirmation package. I expect it to contain at a bare minimum: (1) Twilight poster with Sharpie’d Pancho Villa moustaches, Cledbo’s Bar drink pre-order form, glitter, CafePress boyshorts covered in asterisks and octothorpes, a handcuff key, temporary tattoos of all of Jordan’s MS Paint creations and a signed doctor’s note excusing me from work the following week.

      I envision Jordan sitting uncomfortably on stage in a folding chair behind a table draped with MMA banners. He’ll try reading that day’s post from printed notes while we drunkenly shout out all of our rude comments in person.

      • MLF said

        oh my god. that’s potentially the funniest mental image I’ve ever had….that srsly needs to happen.

      • cledbo said

        I have never wanted a piece of comment-related craziness to come true more than I do at this moment.

      • campbelld said

        And eventually bottles, then someone will try and geust post and bravely take whisky bottle to the face and how we will laugh.

      • I love the mental image of this so much I wish I could hug it and then maybe open palm it’s ass. I’m not entirely certain that Jordan could handle all of us at once. For some reason I see us transforming into an angry mob… one big girl gang of bullies.

        Jordan – *reading* something something hate fuck something something Wants it something something UFC…
        PWG – SHOW US YOUR TITS! *high fives around the room*
        Jordan – *blank stare* *holds up printout of MS Paint masterpiece and begins to read caption*
        HB – How about we commence Operation: STFU AND GET ME A SHOT ALREADY?
        Jordan – *disapproving glare*
        MLF – I just woke up; did I sleep through Porn Corner?
        Susanelle – Can we look at pictures of Milfie’s horse? Or maybe Jordan and HB could reenact some creepy Twilight shit?
        Jordan – What? No. For the 100th time, NO. I thought you were all here to appreciate me and bask in my nuclear white glow?
        Tiffanized – *downs shot of tequila* Has anyone seen my Pocket Shogun?
        HB – where the fuck did you get that shot? CLEDBO!
        Cledbo – coming right up, mate!
        Jordan – LISTEN TO ME, YOU WHORES!
        Cledbo – *gives single look that says I’m-trained-in-chuck-norris-level-combat-so-if-you-want-to-keep-your-manhood-you’ll-shut-your-face*
        Jordan – *swallows hard(*)* I’m calling wild shenanigans on this “convention”. You were all supposed to be making out by now…
        AmyD – that comes later. I need to get my shiny underwear party on first.
        kt – cut the shit, are we drinking or not?
        Jordan – *single tear rolls down cheek* but… I’m tall… and funny… and… and look at my wrist tattoos… remember those?
        Lala – Man up, Jordan.
        campbelld – two words: starscream crazy.
        Jordan – *epic sigh* Dawgz said this would be a bad idea…

        aaaaand… scene.

      • MLF said

        omfg. HB you missed your calling as a screenwriter. or a scriptwriter…whatever. a writer of plays/movies

      • cledbo said

        No words, only zuul…I mean, shots! Yay!

      • PWG said

        HB, you are spectacular. I had to stop and catch my breath before I could finish reading that. The obligatory extra (*) after *swallows hard* is where I think I wet myself.

      • kt said

        omg. i can’t breathe i am laughing so hard.

      • Lala said

        That was hilarious!

  8. Freya said

    I love BK’s iced mochas. Those things have crack in them. I crave them. I beg my BFF to bring them to work for me. They’re so good.

    Question for Friday:
    I’m officially off work for the summer. I have some stuff to do, but I still need more to do. Jordan, any ideas for me? I know you’ve been “between jobs” for a bit–what occupies your time? Give me a goal, a plan, a challenge! I cannot just watch BBC America and read by the pool all the time.

    • PWG said

      “I cannot just watch BBC America and read by the pool all the time.”

      Oh God, I could. Come north a little bit and raise my children while I do that. They’re mostly housebroken and don’t bite. I have, um ::glances around wildly for some kind of lure:: books? A lot of books? Probably a nearby Burger King, I’ll go look. Stay there! I’ll be right back!

    • You can record every episode of Top Gear and send it to me?

      If it’ll help you pass the time, I could leave an obscenely large number of harassing comments on your blog?

    • MLF said

      I don’t know if you live near any universities but you could always pay to audit a class. It’s pretty cheap and they usually offer (at least mine does) all kinds of hilarious things. I took line dancing as a class last semester but now that I’ve graduated I think I am going to be auditing several more once fall comes. most likely salsa and swing. and also potentially human sexuality which is supposedly not only hilarious but also highly informative…although I have doubts as to whether it would be “informative” to people such as us KSWI common taters.

      also, again not sure if your area does this, but my local movie theater plays free movies everyday from ten to noon. sadly they are all rated G, or PG at most, so that parents can bring their kids…but at least it’s airconditioned which I hear is a novelty in the northeast.

  9. You brought up The Matrix a few times this week, so I’m going to ask the world’s most cliche question: red pill or blue pill?

  10. Amy D said

    Friday question: Have you ever been to the spoon museum that NJ has?

  11. cledbo said

    I haven’t been into a BK since that day in Darwin where I waited 15mins to be served, with 6 idiot teenagers behind the counter and about 4 other people in the store. I walked out burger-less, and ended up getting a Subway sandwich instead.

    FYI over here, in crazytown, no one can hear us. At least, no one who has control of our jobs, or mortgages, or military careers. Ipso facto, I say what I want, including but not limited to completely unsubstantiated declarations of blogger and common-tater lust, and admissions of the ability to orgasm through mind power alone (ok, that’s not entirely true, but I still don’t need pictorial stimulation*).

    Some time ago, I joined Zazzle.com with the intent of creating KSWI merchandise. This fell through rather rapidly with my discovery of having zero artistic talent, and only being able to create word t-shirts with fonts I found on the internet. Do you think snowhitedrifted would be up for an even weirder design commission?

  12. cledbo said

    My question for Friday: Can you force HB to guest host this blog by, say, offering sexual favours of an indeterminate nature or something?

    Because the woman NEEDS to do this. For me. For all of us. SOON.

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