This Week In Kristen Stewart Wants IT #27

May 28, 2010

Friday, Friday, Friday, but everyone’s thinking of Monday, Monday, Monday with some added drinking and outdoor grilling on Sunday, Sunday, Sunday and for good measure a shots party on Saturday, Saturday, Saturday and I’m unemployed, I could continue to Tuesday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Wednesday and ONWARD! Yes, I want to start a “tab”. Yes, I want to leave it open. No need for a cab because I’m taking a “to go” cup and walking home.

Yesterday, I accomplished a task that few man or woman have attempted and even fewer have succeeded in.





The glow of success is blinding!


I kept the ticket stub. I framed it as well. I am planning on sell it on ebay. I am thinking it could easily fetch a few hundred and maybe even a thousand dollars. It is a very rare item. I will open the bidding to you all first before the ebay jackals get it. The ticket is in mint condition and sat in my pocket the entirety of MacGruber. I can even tell you what happened during the credits because I sat through them with said ticket. I received a call from a documentary crew shortly after the movie was over. They’re planning on doing a documentary about people who have actually paid to see MacGruber and watched the whole movie. So look out for that.

By the by, MacGruber is good. I found it very funny. Ladies Man is better. But Ladies Man is better than most movies.

Questions for Moooo-Waaahhh…

Question for Friday:
I’m officially off work for the summer. I have some stuff to do, but I still need more to do. Jordan, any ideas for me? I know you’ve been “between jobs” for a bit–what occupies your time? Give me a goal, a plan, a challenge! I cannot just watch BBC America and read by the pool all the time.

What occupies my time? Trying to keep Megatron on his thrown and Starscream in the pews. Starscream does kill Megatron at some point, more or less when he gets lazy and injured. I write this blog everyday still, which I’m guessing you noticed. It keeps me honest. I have to do something creative 5 days a week. Outside of that I have been working on some other projects outside of KSWI. Audio/visual productions. I’ll post them when they’re ready.

Plan/challenge? Something that benefits me would be nice. Consider it charity. I have some CPA accountant buddies who could figure out a way it could be a tax write off.

Friday question: what’s up with all these runner friends, Jordan? Personally I prefer my friends to be lazy. As well as worse parents and horrible housekeepers.

I agree. It is a tad irresponsible of them to be so health conscious. Sadly, I can name another half-dozen friends who also fancy themselves runners. I’m holding strong. No running for me. At least not until I get my acting career. I figure if someone hires me now then I can do one of those Christian Bale and 50 Cent acting diets and get crazy thin. At that point, the only sensible thing would be to eat fried chicken and cheeseburgers until I get back to where I started. But in that middle ground of sickly thin and stuffed with ground meat and American cheese – I bet I’ll be looking pretty good.

Question for Friday re the Secret Life of Guys: Why do guys need fresh pictures of nude women? Why won’t the same old nude women pix do?

I will start with an anecdote from Stephen King. After the Boston Red Sox won the World Series, he likened it to losing his virginity – once it happened, he just wanted it to happen all the time. Well, once you finally get pictures of a glorious nude woman – why would you stop wanting more? Also, pictures are two dimensional and you can’t see everything in one picture, so multiple angles is needed. So the different angles helps faking a three dimensional person, and new pictures helps even more. You’re experiencing different settings, time, and looks.

Am I pre-supposing that someone is pestering you for new nude pictures? Or are websites with new updates for the same starlets starting to get annoying to you?

Where the hell did you find ‘Die Antwoord’?

The internet. Their other video with them standing in front of some suburban house got pretty popular on the internet. And this one is their new video which has gotten even more popular.

Friday question: Have you ever been to the spoon museum that NJ has?

Nope. *shrugs*

What else?

On Wednesday, I went to some blogger meet up. Not for my word-stripping on this website, but for the freelance writing I do for Asylum. I have two things to mention about that night minus I was sweating my balls off inside the bar and outside the bar:

1. I was talking to a guy who runs a really popular website. My friend introduced me to the guy and in the introduction he said that I write “Kristen Stewart Wants IT”. The guy looked confused, so we said it again. He still looked confused. So I started to explain what “Kristen Stewart Wants IT” meant –  “there’s that Twilight chick Kristen Stewart and she always looks like she wants it” – and he said “I’ve heard about your site. Why do I know it? I think I have read a write up on your site somewhere.” I responded, “A few websites did write ups on it.” And then he added, “I’ve actually read a couple write ups on your site. Hunh? Wait a minute, you’re not gay!” And then I looked back and nodded, “Nope. Not gay.” And my friend added, “He isn’t gay.” That was a great moment.

2. Here is a picture of me front the event. This is more or less what I’m planning on looking like for the next few days – sweaty, beer in hand, somewhat drunk, but sans speed-dating name tag.


Feel free to entertain yourselves at my expense. Or use this as the newest picture to add to the voodoo dolls you have made of me. This could be “Poolside Drunk” Jordan or “Puerto Rican Vacation” Jordan.

Have a great weekend and Memorial Day. For the foreigners, feel free to also take off Memorial Day for a backyard barbecue. I’ve spoken with your Presidents, Prime Ministers and Totalitarian Dictators and they say it is cool and the gang for you to get drunk on cooler beer, potato salad, and chicken drumsticks on Monday like the good ole’ YOU ESS UV AYE.


24 Responses to “This Week In Kristen Stewart Wants IT #27”

  1. Crystal said

    Um….when did KSWI Jordan become unemployed?? *ducks from sister-wives angry words*

    Yeah…I fail. I am no longer a sister-wife and I’m okay with that. I try to read as much as I can!!

    Anyway..I’m glad McGruber was good…yeah….and congrats on not having a job anymore? I don’t know.

  2. tiffanized said

    To avoid sweating your balls off in bars and other places, might I suggest Freshballs? For all your sweaty ball needs.

  3. tiffanized said

    I had a dream about you last night. It wasn’t sexy, or else I’d be emailing you the details of said dream instead of posting it here publicly.

    In my dream, you lived in a trailer park. I was visiting you, and you were running around yelling helpful advice to me out of your doors and windows. Oddly enough, you looked a lot like you do in your Puerto Rican vacation photo, only also without the speed dating name tag. You were topless, I was not. I also never entered your trailer, as I think I may have been there to perform lawn maintenance.

    I’ve been thinking all day that if I were to sell my nonmobile home, I’d have a lot of spare cash left at the end of each month with which to hire help. I can move into a trailer park and have a maid, a nanny and a lawn guy. There is something about blurring the lines of socioeconomic status that makes me happy.

  4. A moment of silence for Suit Jordan, please.

    … … …

    You look like a good time in that last picture, mildly drunk Jordan. I suspect I’ll look a lot like that for most of this weekend, sans beard. And sans Miller High Life.

    Congratulations on killing the gay rumor. Obviously that person has never read your blog… But I do kind of love the idea that such scandal is floating around out there. It’s like how most people assume I’m a dude at first. Online, I mean. I don’t look like a dude in person. I’ll stop rambling now.

  5. MLF said

    Wait, what is MacGruber? It sounds extremely familiar.

    In my defense, I just woke up. infact in my defense for most of the comments I leave, I usually leave them after just waking up. I tend to sleep..a lot. Freya- Sleeping=excellent use of time for the unemployed. I would recomedn doing lots of it- you too Jordan.

  6. raven said

    I can’t stand to watch two minutes of MacGruber on SNL, let alone two hours in a movie theater. I did like Ladies Man, though. I often threaten to bitch slap my husband’s manwhore ass because of that movie.

    Have a great weekend Jordan, and all of you lovely ladies and gentleman out there!

  7. Freya said

    AHHHHHHHHH! Jordan has STUBBLE! The much desired, asked for, and longed after (by me) facial hair! Even though he rejected the concept when I posed it, he has given in! I feel like we’re in love a little. And I haven’t even sent him pictures of my cleavage! I guess taking pictures of my cleavage could be one way to keep busy over summer and benefit KSWIJ at the same time.

  8. campbelld said

    I should go and see MacGruber. Even if I have not seen it on SNL. I keep hearing its kinda excellent.

  9. Lala said

    Thanks for talking to my president!

  10. cledbo said

    Aaaaah I am so hungover. My parents are finally not in my state (as in location, not as in they drank too much as well but got better faster) any more, and reading KSWI was my present to myself. I wasn’t disappointed.

    Who’s done write-ups on you? I just name drop this place in comments everywhere, like they’re fur from my cats – gets *everywhere*!

    I really need sleep.

  11. susanelle said

    Jorbee, why are you wearing two shirts in this heat?? Let’s keep the sternal head free and open to the breezes, shall we, hmm?

    • MLF said

      BAHAHA jorbee! I love that. I think you should be a professional nicknamer.

    • cledbo said

      One appears to be an undershirt, meaning he is cleverly (or not so cleverly) attempting to minimise the amount of sweat transferring from his person to his plaid. How successful was it? Only J-bizzle knows…

  12. AmyAlmost said

    So I was looking at some guys address today and he lives on Wants Rd.

    Your photo is hot. It’s the beer, the shirt and the almost beard happening.

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