May 20, 2010
Today’s post will clearly be about the distinction between “Good” insanity and “Bad” insanity. First and foremost, I am a fan of insanity. I like crazy TV shows and crazy movies and crazy music and I like being crazy. If it wasn’t for my own craziness there would not be this blog. But that is all “Good” insanity. “Good” insanity is entertaining, it is fun, and I want to see more of it.
“Bad” insanity just doesn’t make any fucking sense. It can be funny at times. “Bad” insanity mostly generates that fake laughter where you’re laughing, but you really want to say “What the fuck!?! How does this even exist? Why didn’t someone stop this?”. Like the movie Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2. How was this movie created? How did they get actors to be involved in it? How was there a director? Or how did they get so many little kids together without a single parent asking what the hell they were doing? How did they convince a series of computer nerds to CGI these kids talking and shooting guns and saving the world? It just doesn’t make sense that that premise was continually given a green light or an OK thumbs up to keep on truckin’ to eventually finish that stupid ass movie.
Today’s examples of “Good” insanity vs. “Bad” insanity:
“Good” – Spencer Pratt losing his mind on The Hills
“Bad” – The mascots for the 2012 Summer Olympics in London
BOOM! Didn’t see that coming did you? DID YOU!?! A novelty act side character on a reality television show that I am shocked is still churning out new episodes versus the official pair of mascots that were chosen by the International Olympic Committee for the 2012 Summer Olympics in sunny London, England. That right there is “Good” insanity. It isn’t hurting anyone. And yet, it should be a decent enough roller coaster to hop on board.
Several years ago, MTV had the great idea to round up some hot chicks in Southern California who all come from rich families and film them living their daily lives dealing with boyfriends and “bitches hatin’ bitches”: Laguna Beach. This show became quite popular. After a few years, they split the show into two shows: The Hills and Laguna Beach. The Hills was for the hot chicks that had now moved to the Hollywood hills and Laguna Beach was for the hot chicks who were younger and were still in school. Anyway, everyone grows up and now they are all on The Hills again.
That is the running premise for these shows and have been since their inception: hot Cali chicks and the boys they date and hook up with and all the lavish lives they lead. I was fine with that. I don’t watch it, but I couldn’t give a fuck that it existed for all this time. I’ll be trolling websites and I’ll see “Lauren Conrad (LC) from The Hills is at some fashion show” and I’m like sure that’s cool, she’s hot and famous I guess – why not? And then the past couple years, there have been tons of stories about two of the side characters from the show Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt. For a long time, I didn’t know who these two were and refused to know, but eventually I caved and saw that she was another hot chick from The Hills and he was the resident “bad boy”. But I could give a fuck who does what on those shows so I didn’t watch.
This brings me to last week, Dawgz starts a random conversation with me “Did you happen to watch The Hills recently?” “No, I did not.” “Well, I think Spencer Pratt has really lost his mind. Not in the context of the show, but in real life he’s nuts.” This began my journey into “what is up with Spencer Pratt?” And through my investigations I have discovered –
SPENCER PRATT IS FUCKING CRAZY!!!!!
I LOVE IT!!!
Last week on The Hills, Spencer Pratt was yelling at his wife’s sister, Holly Montag, that he was “SO SERIOUS RIGHT NOW” and that if she didn’t stop talking he was going to “personally throw her off his property”. This all started when Spencer was railing against Heidi and Holly’s mom and how all she was just a vagina that Heidi came out of because God created Heidi and not her mother. YES! I LOVE IT! Why in the fuck is this being said or yelled at on a reality TV show about hot chicks living easy going rich lives in Hollywood, CA? I have no clue and that’s why I love it.
This craziness is only the tipping point when it was later revealed that Spencer and Heidi are believers in the power of crystals. Yes! CRYSTALS! Spencer admitted in an interview that, “I am so addicted to crystals, it’s like a sickness. I’ve spent $500,000 on crystals this year.” YES! I FUCKING LOVE IT! I could understand if this insanity was on a TV show that had anything to do with crazy people living crazy lives, but The Hills is still the fucking Hills. It still is about Kristin’s dating life and what LC is up to and Audrina being the one brunette on the show and how she is now dating a douche bag musician I’ve never heard of. MEANWHILE(!) this same show has a rich kid named Spencer who is screaming about “God created Heidi” and he has spent $500,000 on healing crystals. I. LOVE. IT.
In between last week’s episode and this week’s episode came the news that Spencer Pratt has now hired former Marines to protect his house from said mother vagina of Heidi. And attached to that article were pictures like this one:
AMAZING! Look at the fucking crystal in his hand! It is like he is carrying around a boulder. A boulder that gives him powers. He’s a damn superhero. That crystal is huge! Not $500,000 huge, but HUGE. It’s like he stole a piece of the Fortress of Solitude in Superman II. And he is just walking the perimeter of his house with a former Marine, his binoculars and this big ass crystal which he thinks is giving him super powers. THIS IS ALL ON A TV SHOW ABOUT HOT CHICKS IN HOLLYWOOD! Do you see how amazing the insanity is?
So I had to tune into this week’s episode of The Hills. After sitting through all melodrama of relationships, finally SPENCER APPEARS! The cast of good looking Californians are out at a bar. Spencer walks in with some sketchy dude. Brodie Jenner (his best friend) walks over and tries talking to him. Spencer looks wild. His eyes have that thousand yard stare that usually only gets from killing civilians in De Nang, but Spencer has gotten from living in a reality TV bubble on MTV. For whatever reason, Spencer looks like he is about to cry. As Brodie (who is at the bar being good looking, drunk and hitting on his hot ex-girlfriend and her hot friends – just having a good time) is talking to Spencer, you can see Spencer is almost about to cry. Are we saying this kid is that good of an actor that he can start crying like this? No! He’s just nuts.
Brodie yells over to Audrina to come over. She sits down and says hi and Spencer replies “YOU’RE THE LAMEST CHICK IN THIS BAR!” Ahhh yes! Why on Earth would he yell that? Because he’s crazy and it is great. This turns into Brodie yelling at Spencer, which is very funny. Why is Brodie so angry? I think it is because Brodie is an easy going, rich bachelor who is trying to get laid with either his hot ex-girlfriend or his hot ex-girlfriend’s hot friends. And in Brodie’s mind Spencer could be living this exact same life as him, but instead he is going off about crystals and yelling at the pretty ladies. Spencer takes the abuse and responds that he has never been yelled at like this since 3 years ago. Which instantly makes me wonder what happened 3 years ago?
Anyway, my favorite part of the episode was later when everyone meets up at another bar again. This is great just on its own. Why would these people continue seeing them? Because it is a TV show and they are cast members. In real life, you wouldn’t see some crazy yeller anymore because you could just make sure not to see them. But this is a TV show and Spencer and Heidi are on the show (or they were, they got kicked off because Spencer threatened to kill a producer on the show. YES!) so they all meet up at another bar. This time Heidi and Spencer bring their crystals. Heidi sits with Kristin and explains the different crystals and their powers. At this point, you can see Kristin having the same struggle that Brodie was having. In Kristin’s mind Heidi is some hot blonde like herself who should be shopping and gossiping and just hanging out like they used to and now Heidi is fucking crazy carrying around crystals and saying one of those crystals will help her if she is in a “war zone”. I LOVE IT!
The best part was Spencer interjecting himself into the conversation between Kristin and Heidi. He explained (paraphrasing), “I don’t let her watch TV or go onto the computer. Heidi spends all day reading, writing poetry and saying her prayers.” AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!! YOU CAN’T MAKE THIS SHIT UP! Either Spencer Pratt is a fucking genius comedian who realizes the bullshit TV show he is on is all puppy dog kisses and rainbows and he is going to try and make it as wild as possible or the man is just nuts. It is either some amazing metaphysical statement Spencer is making or he sincerely lost his fucking mind. And I’m one to think the latter.
So that is the “Good” insanity. I’m rooting for Spencer. I hope he gets even more nuts. More crystals. More mercenaries. He’s rocking a crazy beard. He’s thin as a rail. Go get ’em Spence! Give ’em hell Spence!
Now onto the bad…
I read this article on Yahoo about the unveiling of the mascots for the 2012 Olympic Summer games in London.
I did some research and found out that since 1968 there have been Olympic mascots for both Summer and Winter games and sometimes the Special and Paralympics. My question, why is there any fucking need for a stupid ass mascot anyway? Maybe for the Special Olympics, but the regular Olympics? These are grown-ups competing in sports. Where is there a need for a mascot? And who the hell is OK-ing these mascots. They’re creepy as hell!
The 2012 Summer Olympic games mascot are two steel blobs named Wenlock and Mandeville that come to life when a rainbow gives them powers. WHAT!?! WHAT THE FUCK DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH THE OLYMPICS!?! I feel dumber for having watched the video “explaining” these idiot mascots. I am now actively rooting against the 2012 Summer Olympics.
Originally, I was kind of anti them because they are in England and we beat those bastards in the Revolutionary War and some grudges just don’t cool off over night, you know. But now I’m rooting against them because of this idiocy. Two steel blobs!?! That’s the best they could come up with?
KSWI Guest Blogger Wednesday: Freya, HeyyyBrother, Sarita Pagita, Tiffanized and Single Strand Edition
May 19, 2010
If you’ve been reading Kristen Stewart Wants It for any length of time, you may have noticed the magical kingdom known as the comments. Today, we bring those commenters (or common taters, as they refer to themselves) out of the woodwork and into the spotlight! Led by Freya, HeyyyBrother, Sarita Pagita, Tiffanized and Single Strand share some of their KSWI love and memories. We talk Jordan, Kristen, and a liger…
Freya: Let’s start with this pressing question: How did you get introduced to the gloriousness that is Kristen Stewart Wants It? I heard about it from Lula! during a video chat with some friends, and we quickly decided to share Jordan in an odd sister wife arrangement.
HeyyyBrother: It was a dark, lonely night in August and I was just looking for some online company when… Kidding. The one and only Janetrigs is to blame. I wasn’t on le Twatter yet, but she included the link to KSWI in every curse-laden borderline insane comment she left on LTT. So I checked it out and was hooked immediately. I’m pretty simple and easy to entertain, so Kay Swidge’s MS Paint masterpieces did the trick. (Freya note: Janetrigs was in that chat.)
Single Strand: Honestly, you and HeyyyBrother were talking about it on Twitter one day and I had to go figure out who this Jordan fellow was.
Freya: Whoo hoo! We converted you.
Tiffanized: August 17,2009. My fake lesbian (soon to be pseudo polygamous wife) Janetrigs sends me over to a little site called Kristen Stewart Wants It.
Freya: Did you comment the first time?
Single Strand: I think I probably did…I wasted soooo much time last year not posting on LTT/LTR. When I finally did, it was like instant friendships so now when I go to a blog, I don’t hesitate. Besides, you KNOW I’m forward. Not every girl will talk anal with the world.
Freya: So true.
HeyyyBrother: I did comment the first time, but that’s not normal for me.
Tiffanized: As far as commenting, yes, like a slut on a first date, I did it the first time.
HeyyyBrother: Other blogs I’ve read, I usually lurk for a while. I think it also helped that KSWI didn’t have a dedicated group of commenters yet, so I didn’t feel like I was butting in. So I just staked my claim to a little corner of the comments and made myself at home. Marked my territory, if you will. No worries, no pissing was involved.
Freya: Favorite post ever?
HeyyyBrother: Sorry, my friend just sent me this article called “How to Spot a Masturbator” with the accompanying image: http://i44.tinypic.com/205quxk.jpg. And it’s not a joke… http://christwire.org/2010/05/how-to-spot-a-masturbator/
Freya: “How to spot a masturbator: Look at the person standing next to you.” Why am I cracking up at the line in the article “[they] think more about sex and less about their WORK AT HAND.” Bwahahahaha! Oh, and SNOOKI’S SEX AIDS ARE MAKING HER ORANGE! She has a spray tan dildo!
HeyyyBrother: HAHAHAHAHAHA! Anyway… favorite post? Jordan’s post.* Get it? Heyoooooo.
Single Strand: Hmm, it definitely had some Paint artwork maybe with a pimp cane? It hasn’t been all that long ago…first post I remember realizing Jordan was a genius was the New York State of Mind post a few months back. It def encouraged me to check the site more often. His breakdown of the lyrics was genius. (insert inflatable Jordan ego here)
Freya: So, Single Strand, you are with child…any plans to name it “Kristen” or “Jordan”?
Single Strand: HAHAHA. OMG I just almost spit out my ice. Umm, no. We are having a girl and will likely name her Charley. Sorry Jordan. I’d consider Jordan but only for a girl. Our boy names are pretty solid. For some reason Mr. S really likes the name Charley for a girl. He’s said that for a year or more. I changed the spelling so it wasn’t a baby girl named after Charlie Swan.
Freya: DUDE! Charlie Swan FTW!
Single Strand: We could call her Lil Copstache…
Freya: Speaking of the copstache…I think it would be a grand idea for Jordan to grow facial hair during his hiatus from mork. Thoughts?
Sarita Pagita: I think he could pull off a full on mountain man, and even give homage to s/o he suggested admiring – Spencer Pratt (WTF!?) as he seems to have similar coloring. He may need a little bit of a tan, tho
HeyyyBrother: What a coincidence, I was JUST saying he should do so the other day. I’ve always been jealous of guys because I feel like growing a beard and shaving it into something weird for an afternoon is the ultimate temporary fuck you to societal norms. Ladies don’t have that option. I mean, we could not shave our legs but that’s just gross and not at all entertaining. Dude with a fu manchu? Hilarious. But shave it after a day. And now that Kay Swidge has given up on the whole anonymous thing, we know he looks good with a beard.
Single Strand: I’m pretty sure Jordan can pull off a good handlebar.
Freya: I did a little photoshop work to show the possibilities…
HeyyyBrother: OMG!! THE STACHE BRUSH MAKES AN APPEARANCE!
Sarita Pagita: LOL! Your staches are genius!
HeyyyBrother: I effing love the handlebar! The amish was great too… they’re all wins.
Sarita Pagita: The amish is killing it! The pencil thin mustache is also brill. He could be a world dominator with that one.
HeyyyBrother: “Hi, I’m Jebediah Newmark. I have a horse and carriage. You know what that means? I also have whips.”
Tiffanized: I’m mobile and therefore don’t have access to my printout of “You and Your Mustache Are Not Alone”, so I’m headed straight for my go-to facial hair arrangement, the Fu Manchu. But I think Jordache owes it to us to experiment with facial hair FOR THE GREATER GOOD.
Freya: So, Jordan recently added a bunch of common taters on his Twitter. Do you feel privileged? Or was the experience cheapened by his capitulation to follow everyone?
HeyyyBrother: Hilariously enough, I wasn’t wearing pants when I got the notification… I was at the mall in Macy’s in the dressing room. My phone went off, and I always check it immediately. Saw the email and had a total wtf moment. I always knew the day would come when he would give in and follow, I just thought I’d be wearing pants for it. #nopants represent!
Single Strand: HA, when I saw the email that he was following me, I thought the end of the world was near. Then I realized he was following everyone he could find and got kinda sad. But then he RT’ed my first tweet after following me saying that it could probably not be topped. I’m pretty sure that excited me. I don’t know why. I’m a nerd.
Freya: It was about anal, yes?
Single Strand: Yes. Anal vs missionary when pregnant.
Freya: So one might say your anus cannot be topped.*
Single Strand: Well, THIS anus is tapped regularly…wait did you say topped or tapped? 😉
Freya: What will you do if Jordan quits writing KSWI?
Sarita Pagita: KStew
Oops too quick on the trigger
Freya: WHAT will you do, not WHO will you do, SP!
HeyyyBrother: I would only do KStew if Jordan swore to continue writing KSWI for the rest of his natural life. And the alien life he intends to continue in the future, if PWG’s prediction comes true. That’s the only way I’m doing her. Right. But that wasn’t your question at all…
Single Strand: I’ll probably harass him on Twitter until he blocks me and then attempt to find his email address through various means I have so I can continue to harass him.
Sarita Pagita: Ok, so if he stops writing KSWI a- what will he be? what’s his new identity? an unemployed, has been blogger? lame. b – KStews want will go undocumented and my life will no longer be complete. and c – he will no longer have women up in his biz every day. also lame.
HeyyyBrother: What would I do? Probably get a shit ton more work done. Maybe find another tall, funny, dreamy Jersey dude to harass online. Life will continue… I suppose.
Freya: HeyyyBrother, you actually segued us quite nicely into my next question: Are you a Krisbian, a Stew hater, or somewhere in between?
Single Strand: I’m a TOTAL Krisbian.
Sarita Pagita: I’m def not a hater. But she in no way gives me a lady boner. Ever. I guess I’m Kriscurious.
HeyyyBrother: I don’t hate her. But I don’t like her. And, no offense to anyone, but the “Krisbians” totally weird me out. Which I guess makes me small-minded and… Krisophobic? I’m not proud. It’s how I was raised?
Sarita Pagita: Every time there’s a rainbow a Krisbian sees a new pap pic of Kstew.
Freya: Recently, Kristen smiled on Oprah. Do you think that decreases the WANT?
Single Strand: I think she was still wanting it. I’m pretty sure she always wants it. To me at least.
HeyyyBrother: There is only Want. The smile is just a different flavor.
Sarita Pagita: The want is still there. It’s a new dimension of the want bc she realizes that the bitchface want is a one trick pony. She’s keeping the want fresh.
Tiffanized: The smile enhances the Want. I think that the Bitchface is a private attempt to dilute the power of the Want.
Freya: What is your favorite “inside joke” from KSWI?
HeyyyBrother: The numerous variations of O:F&B are near and dear to my heart, of course.
Tiffanized: My favorite inside joke has to be ‘*’ instead of “That’s what she said.” Anyone who says anything else is a scoundrel. Unless they say “Eel sex” because that was spectacular.
Freya: LAST QUESTION! Kristen Stewart’s WANT vs. a liger. WHO. WOULD. WIN????
Single Strand: It might be a fight to the death…..but the WANT has it in the bag
Tiffanized: THE WANT ALWAYS WINS. Use the Want, Luke. One Want to rule them all. The liger never stood a chance.
Sarita Pagita: It may be blasphemy, but I think that the liger’s got one up on KStew’s WANT. Ligers, as you know, have magical qualities. KStew’s want, while very powerful indeed is not, in fact, magical.
HeyyyBrother: The Want. But if science ever gets to a point where it can make a KStew/Liger hybrid, we’re all royally fucked.
May 18, 2010
Does Michael Jordan have a Hitler mustache in the new Hanes t-shirt commercial?
Let me reiterate:
Does Michael Jordan have a Hitler
mustache in the new Hanes t-shirt
WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE!?!
I’m not crazy, right? That right there is Michael Jeffrey Jordan with an Adolf Hitler style mustache. The Michael Jordan, who is commonly referred to as “the greatest professional basketball player EVER”, has shaved his facial hair in the style most commonly referred to as a “Hitler” mustache because of the mass murdering psycho path Adolf Hitler!
I’m not seeing things, right? Because I’m pretty sure I’m seeing “Air” Jordan with a square of facial hair above his upper lip, which was made extremely popular by a man who used German hostility from the conclusion of World War I to start a second World War in which he almost accomplished the genocide of the Jewish people of Earth. To be clear, “His Airness” Michael Jordan is in a television commercial with a style of facial hair that the greatest villain of, at the very least, the 20th Century made popular!?!
I can hear the deniers. I can hear some of you saying, “it’s just a shadow”.
BUT IT ISN’T! IT’S A HITLER MUSTACHE!
Why does number 23 have an Adolf Hitler mustache on a national television campaign for t-shirts? I mean not that it would be OK for Michael to have a Hitler stache in private, but in public!?! On TV!!??!! I won’t lie that I’ve grown out beards and in the process of shaving them down to nothing, I have at times stopped at a ‘stache or a goattee or even, I hate to admit it, a “soul patch”. I could see in the privacy of one’s own bathroom sporting a Hitler mustache for a few awkward, but humorous minutes or hours. But to walk around in public with one?
Are we all saying that there wasn’t a producer or a make-up artist that never turned to MJ for a second of honesty and said, “You have a Hitler mustache”? Or did that happen and Michael retorted, “Yes and it is staying.” I can’t believe there wasn’t a Hanes representative who at the very least called into his superiors and told them, “Mr. Jordan just showed up on set and he has a mustache that is remarkably similar to Adolf Hitler’s mustache…. yes, that Adolf Hitler.” Or did that happen as well and the bosses at Hanes responded, “We have no issue with Michael Jordan representing our cotton, tagless, stay flat collar t-shirt company with a Hitler mustache on his face.”
I am thoroughly confused by all of this. I love Michael Jordan. Love him. In fact, I keep a laser engraved Michael Jordan signed baseball on my TV stand.
I love Michael Jordan so much that I honor his career in baseball! That is a lot of love folks. And I just can’t figure out for a second what the hell is going on with Michael Jordan having a Hitler mustache on a Hanes t-shirt commercial. Does Michael Jordan think it is perfectly acceptable for him to groom his own facial hair to make him look as close as possible to Adolf Hitler? Does Michael Jordan look at himself in the mirror and say “Yeah, I can pull off a Hitler mustache. I won 6 NBA championships. I’m justified in any crazy decisions I make about the shaving of the hair that grows out of my face.” Is that what happened?
Or (!) was it that very make-up artist or commercial producer mentioned earlier that thought Michael Jordan would look best with a Hitler mustache for a t-shirt advertisement? Maybe they shaved Michael to a Hitler mustache. Maybe Michael showed up with a full “Brawny Man” beard or a nice “Hulk Hogan” handlebar. And it was someone on set who had the audacity to shave Michael down to a Hitler mustache and leave his greatness unaware of the facial hair taboo on his face. Maybe that happened. Please say that happened.
I honestly have no clue what is going on. I have watched a lot of the NBA playoffs. A lot! And I don’t remember seeing Michael Jeffrey Jordan on the sidelines during the Charlotte Bobcats games against the Orlando Magic with a Hitler mustache. I don’t remember that at all. I think I would remember that. I think that means at some point Michael got rid of the Hitler mustache and is not currently walking around with one.
Nevertheless, Michael Jordan has a Hitler mustache in a Hanes t-shirt commercial forever and ever. How? Seriously, how did this happen?
But I will say, I need some of those Hanes t-shirts! They’re tagless and their collars don’t bunch up? That sounds like Heaven. A Heaven where I haven’t seen Michael Jordan with a Hitler mustache.
May 17, 2010
Monday morning! WOOOOOoooooooooOOOOOHHHHHH! Don’t you just love the way that rolls off your tongue*? Monday morning? MONDAY MORNING! Monday. Monday! Monday? Mun-day? Mun? MUN! Muh-Nuh! DAY. Monday? Moon-day. Moon-day? Moon-day! Moon! MOON! The Moon’s day? I have a conspiracy theory:
Mondays are in fact the “Moon’s” day. We as a planet are lethargic, cranky, slow, sore and half awake on Mondays. It is a natural response from our typical binge drinking and strip club frequenting weekends. Also, the call back to the working world. The call back to the office or cubicle or paper route. The old familiar computer chair or bicycle seat. We under perform on Mondays. We would be easily bested in a physical competition on a Monday. This is where the alien abductions come into play.
The inhabitants of the Moon, the Moonians, make the starry lit voyage to Earth and capture human beings to perform sexual experiments on them. They choose Mondays because our guard is down. We’re all barely making it through the day as is. We barely have enough strength to get to work or even pull ourselves out of bed before noon if you happen to be unemployed. I would bet all the Monopoly property I own that all alien abductions happen on Moon-days through out the year. Maybe not all. But most of them. I can’t account for some drunk aliens sexualizing on some humans on Thursday because they’re too messed up to read a calendar. We’re talking about all four railroad squares and some low income housing on Baltic!
Why sexual experiments? Well, that’s easy – we’re fucking hot. Have you see human beings before? We’re some sexy motherfuckers that walk this planet. And we’re not hiding it neither. Just a whole lot of sexy bitches strutting their shit out there. I’m talking male and female! Sexiness can reach a point where there is just no other phrase to utter under your breath when someone that sexy with a penis or with a vagina or, in some areas of LA and NYC and Barcelona, both walks by. Imagine it is 1990 and you just finished seeing the classic piece of cinema Gleaming the Cube on VHS. A minute later, Christian Slater walks by. Too in awe to say anything, he walks past without interaction expect for a wink he gives you when you two meet eyes. A few seconds later, “he is one sexy bitch” would be the only reaction necessary to sum up meeting late-80’s early-90’s Christian Slater. Or if it was 1956 and you are smoking a wooden pipe and walking out of a theater after seeing The Searchers aka Maybe The Greatest Thing You Could Do For Two Hours Outside Of Scarlett Johansson. While you’re standing there going through a box of matches to light your pretentious pipe, Natalie Wood walks by. Her beauty is so striking that you hold your smokey lungs breath in until she passes. And when she is gone you whisper “That is a sexy bitch.” Then you would probably follow that up with, “And I’m going out on a limb on this one, but this Vietnam stuff in the news is completely overblown. I doubt we’ll even remember Vietnam a year from now. Mark my words.”
So, watch out. If you’re looking extra good today or any other Monday, the Moonians will probably snatch your sexy bitchass. But this only affects Americans. Did I forget to mention that? See Moonians are a lot like Puerto Ricans. They have feisty attitudes, hate being called Mexicans, and they root for the Mets. Also, they are contractually a part of the United States of Amer-greatest country ever-ica, but they have pretty much no say in whatever we do. Remember we did stick a flag in the Moon*, and that shit is legit. You stick a flag into something* then it is yours. Or at least it feels like it is yours until you find someone else sticking a flag into it. Whore! Sorry about that… I digress.
Moon-day is most likely an interplanetary conspiracy for aliens to chloroform and then touch the butts of sexy bitches on Earth.
Or we could turn Moon-day on its head and RECAPTURE it. We should all “moon” each other on Mondays. Just moon the hell out of each other. I’m not talking about plumber’s crack. I’m talking about full on ass directed at another person. And what should you do to respond to someone mooning you on a Monday? First, acknowledgment: Hey, great ass! Then you respond by mooning them back. That could become the handshake of Mondays.
Of course, if someone moons you on a Thursday, call the cops.
Go out there and moon someone! Moon someone for Moon-day. Let’s take back the night from interplanetary molestation and moon each other. In an effort of solidarity, all countries should get involved. Can’t you just imagine hearing all those unintelligible foreign languages talking about each other having a great ass. Tu tengas una grande whatever “ass” is. I’m no Spanish teacher. Also, as a Spanish teacher it would be improper to teach “ass” to my students.
So it is Monday. Which usually means that Sunday was yesterday. Get it? Sunday then MOON-day! I AM NOT WRONG ABOUT THIS! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! Anyway, Sunday night is a great night for television. Just as this is a great transition for what I was intending to write about today: HBO’s Treme. I wrote a lot about the Moon, butts, and the movie Gleaming the Cube. I was going to write about Treme and how much I and Dawgz enjoy Treme to set up this glorious video clip, but now I’m not. I don’t think any of you really need a setup to any of the madness that this website gives unto you. If you made it through the Moon butt stuff then watch this video.
And pass it onto anyone you know who watches the Treme. Also, you may want to subscribe to the Arnold Brumark youtube channel. I believe more videos should be debuting there on a semi-regular basis. Also Clarke Peters, Wendell Pierce and Steve Zahn are magnificent on Treme. As magnificent as that video of Dawgz singing the Treme title song like he was Louis Armstrong for no apparent reason.
May 14, 2010
Questions, questions, questions.
Have they given up on the flying car?
I blame Obama. Fucking Barack Obama. What an asshole, right? Raising MPG on domestically made cars. Starting off shore drilling exactly where the Republicans wanted. But that fucker is skipping over the real issue: FLYING CARS! I’m sure someone somewhere is trying to make the flying car, but there are also people out there who are regularly trying to prove that William Shakespeare was an imaginary character that really a bunch of writers contributed to under that name. So people are idiots and you can never guess what they’re up to. Although a flying car would be great and all just for the amazingly ridiculousness of it, but I see people driving normal road cars and they are the worst. So I can only imagine what they would do if the car was now flying too. DEATHS! They would be kamikazing each other left and right without even knowing it. I would be scared to death.
Would you volunteer to have a model made of you, knowing that you might “wake up” in a galaxy far, far away, eons in the future amidst aliens of unknown intentions? Possibly the last representative of your entire species, native to a planet that was sucked into a black hole a billion years ago? Would it make a difference if they also built a really hot Earth chick model to keep you company?
YES! YES! YES! MAKE THIS HAPPEN! Of course, why wouldn’t I have this done? I honestly cannot think of a single reason why I wouldn’t want this to happen. And add a hot chick in there. Sure, why not? I’ll do the science experiment without her, but throw her in as the cherry on top. What’s the downside in this scenario? Usually there is some counter weight that is like well you could do this, but then this bad thing happens.
So, I basically get a second shot at life billions of years from now. In that second shot at life, I am 100% unique and by default the leader of what was the glorious human race. I’m on a different planet with aliens? YES! MAKE THIS HAPPEN! I can only guess that what would happen next is that I learn from the alien species and discover their own caste system problems with their brutal overlords. At this, I teach the alien proletariat guerilla war tactics I have learned from Chuck Norris movies and First Person Shooter video games. I lead the intergalactic uprising with an alien army against their government. All of this will happen with or without the hot chick. So now we can add in that by my side there will be a hot chick who has to more or less latch onto me because I’m the last human? Uhhh… yes!
Alien uprising!?! Hot chick!?! Maybe I get drunk on alien booze and get involved in some stellar fever and try mating with a female alien? I’m just saying where is the downside in any of this!?!
Is this old video that you had laying around, and you just naturally Witness Protect your family when you shoot movies? Or did you make this especially for us when you went to visit your Mom on Mothers Day?
New video. I bought a flip cam last week and I was testing it out. I did make the video thinking it was for yous, you all, y’all, and that is why I did try to keep any all camera time on the dogs and not the parents. I do think the commercials for the flip cam are exceedingly annoying, but the product itself is really great. I told my mother that I was shooting video of the dogs for that group of women who, if they ever had any guts or actually did what they say they will do, will abduct me and probably live out a scenario very similar to the movie Misery. But judging by some of their Facebook pictures they will be streets ahead looks wise to Kathy Bates. Also, they will be a lot more passive aggressive and “snarkier”.
Basically I was curious as to whether or not you had any great plans to grow oddly styled facial hair whilst unemployed…
Nope. I’ve had beards several times. And I’ve shaved down to a mustache for giggles a couple times, but I shave that usually a few hours later. I did shave my beard down to the mustache/goattee combo once. I looked like Louis CK if Louis CK had hair. Or Louis CK’s younger twin brother. I have no plans for just a soul patch or a Civil War style sideburns to mustache or anything. I am SINGLE. And with singularity one needs to attract the opposite sexual gender species. They may find humor for a second in any of this, but from what I can tell only disgust follows every second after that. So, I will be keeping the facial grooming set to normal.
If I had to be curious about anything it would probably be why you felt it was important that you told us where in your parents house you decided to take a shit, yet did not inform us of the rest of your bathroom activities/locations throughout the rest of the week.
I am a man of the details. But more importantly, I add in some details or jokes in stories that I know only I will get the reference of for my own chuckles. The upstairs bathroom is much bigger than the downstairs bathroom. You can stretch out in the upstairs bathroom and being over 6 feet tall, when I get the chance to stretch out I take it. Similar to me exclusively using the handicapped aka handicappable toilet at work. I think the alternative of me telling you all my bathroom activities/locations would get a little ridiculous. I think that could be a website unto itself. So, just be thankful when I specifically mention one extracurricular bathroom exhibition instead of worrying about where the rest of them have been.
Why did I not mention Rob’s birthday? What would a man-date between the two of us consist of?
I didn’t know it was his birthday. The website is KRISTEN STEWART wants it. I got her birthday right. Rob and I would go on a man-date that would consist of him paying for everything. I have no problem with him paying for everything. What would I like for lunch? Surf and turf? Dinner? Probably more surf and turf. Anything to drink? Expensive champagne I’m guessing. And I don’t even like champagne. There would probably be a large section of the man-date where he picks up chicks for me. That would be a fun activity. Or a large section of me pitching him movie idea after movie idea until he says “Brilliant. Cheers.” in his annoying accent and then we drive straight to his agent’s and then straight to the studio to ink that deal. Then we would get drunk and he would pick up chicks for me and then the next day I would start writing whatever random ass script that was.
I do have a movie idea that involves Rob in it. He isn’t a main character though. There is a PHENOMENAL documentary called “The Great Happiness Space”. It is hands down one of my favorite things in existence. I would like to make a movie loosely based on it. It is about male Japanese host clubs. “Hosts” are more or less prostitutes who work at a bar and are paid by girls to drink and have fun with them and keep them company like they were their boyfriends or out on a date. There is the vice versa of girls doing that for guys too. Nevertheless, I have an idea for a movie about that in NYC with a male host club. I picture Daniel Craig as the club’s enigmatic piano playing owner. His main four hosts are Clive Owen, Romain Duris, Taye Diggs and Javier Bardem. They are allowed to train two new hosts at a time. Those two hosts in training would be Zac Efron and Robert Pattinson. I honestly believe that people – CHICKS and GAY GUYS – would go see this movie regardless of storyline just knowing that all those guys were in it and they were basically being male prostitutes. THE MONEY IT WOULD MAKE!
I’ll give you a spoiler for this never written and most likely never will be written script: Zac and Rob have a fight scene! I know. And Clive, Romain, Taye, and Javier stand there and watch until it is broken up by Daniel. Just enter that into your own spank banks. I’m a genius.
Until next week. Have a good weekend.
May 13, 2010
First and foremost, great job Cledbo.
Go to this website and see me in video form with Dawgz. You can hear us talk, you can see us move, Arnold Schwarzenegger is there and so is Snooki. Just click on the link, watch the videos, and comment – PLEASE! I ask for very little outside of you coming to KSWI everyday and commenting obsessively and sending me bikini pictures. So just do this for me and make these videos the most popular videos of all time. Thanks.
That is for the benefit for all humankind and, especially, the ones without twitter. I posted the link on twitter yesterday. I twitted it. So for all of you who don’t twit twit. You all are not down with twit twit. For the ones who are not down with the twit twit. The twit twit. I’m singing this in falsetto like Jason Derulo. The twit twit. Talking ’bout the twit twit. The world of twit twitting to others. Prostituting my links to others on twit twit. On twit twit! Just talking ’bout my twit twit … account. Just talking ’bout my twit twit(!)… account. You are my unforgiving mistress! Oh twit twit! Just talking ’bout that twit twit. Give me some of that twit twit. Typing on my twit twit. Snacking on some twit twit. Quenching my thirst with some twit twit. Getting drunk in the club on that twit twit. Preventing unwanted babies by putting a twit twit on my twit twit!
I’m pretty sure everyone and, especially, their mother have seen the video of 12 year old Greyson Michael Chance singing/playing Lady Gaga’s “Paparazzi” on the piano at his school’s talent show. This video is also known as “Greyson Michael Chance teaches every young girl what it feels like to be a woman.”
I fucking love it. I fucking LOVE it! I MOTHERFUCKING LOVE THE FUCKING LOVE OUT OF THIS MOTHERFUCKING VIDEO!
I do not know Greyson. It would be kind of weird if I did know some random 12 year old boy in Oklahoma, that is unless he really likes Kristen Stewart, the want, and reading 2000 words a day posts and then commenting on them. But I digress, I don’t know the kid. BUT you don’t need to to understand every fucking beautiful second of this video. It is all there in the shocked, awed, charmed, stunned, and WANTING, definitely WANTING, faces of the girls in the background of the video! Holy fucking fuckity fuckin’ fuck these chicks want IT. And “it” being a miniaturized Greyson Michael Chance in a music box that they can carry in their purse and open at anytime and he’ll play Lady Gaga on his little piano for them and ONLY them.
I fucking love this video! And so does everyone else.
Greyson in all his prepubescent glory singing the GAGA, singing the Lady’s operas, in a room of apparently all XX chromosomes (are there no boys in this school outside of Greyson? Or are they all separated into male and female sections because Oklahoma operates like the Bible is current events?) was on every webpage on the ethereal internet yesterday. Then I turn on ABC’s World News Now and Diane Sawyer is talking about the video. I wouldn’t be surprised if Couric was doing the same and even cynical Brian Williams had to have said something about it too. AND TODAY! Today, Greyson Michael Chance will be appearing on the television show of television shows E-L-L-E-N! ELLEN! The fucking Ellen Degeneres show! The white Oprah! She twit twitted yesterday that she was having the wunderkind on and she had never been more excited. Why? Because he is fucking Greyson “slinging that rock in the streets” Michael C-to the-H-to the-A-to the-N-to the-C-to the-E CHANCE bitches! The kid is a superstar.
Before I get even crazier per usual, let me say my two coherent thoughts I feel like saying.
1. Lady Gaga is the biggest. BIGGEST! We are being bombarded with videos dedicated to or in tribute to Gaga on the reg now. Marines in Afghanistan doing “Telephone” music video remakes. College kids remaking “Bad Romance”. Gaga’s next music video is the song “Alejandro” which is presumably about a Latin lover of hers who stole apart of her glitter covered heart. The video hasn’t even debuted yet, but there are dozens of fan made videos for the song on youtube already. She is on a global tour that will culminate with her headlining Lollapalooza. There have been a lot of pop stars to rise to Heavenly glory during my time on this Earth. Britney Spears being one of them. And Britney was the BIGGEST and still is huge. But Britney never left being a pop star. She never headlined a rock and roll tour. Britney made girlie girl music for a very long time and there was large chunks of the population not buying into it. But Lady Gaga is becoming the new Madonna. I can’t wait for A League Of Their Own remake with Lady Gaga in it.
2. Greyson is good. Real good. Sincerely, the kid is good. He is great on the piano and great singing. Even better is his showmanship where he dramatically pauses before some parts. The kid knows what he’s doing up there.
Back to whatever…
ARE YOU WATCHING THIS VIDEO!?! It is like a want factory in there! Little GMC (just noticed that his initials are the same as the car company’s) is a turbine churning the unfettered want through to power the state of Oklahoma. Look at those girls in the background! Every single one of them is pouring want out of them like Twilight was playing on 60 different TV screens in front of them all stuck on one of the many slow-mo shots of Fake-Rob and Fake-Taylor taking their shirts off.
I’m not saying that the want in that room is reaching Kristen Stewart capacity, but it is damn close. It certainly is besting Jessica Biel or George Clooney on any given day. I’m just saying imagine if Kristen Stewart goes rogue. She turns on humanity and becomes a wondering doomsday weapon just waiting to go off and is intermittently killing civilians with just a hint of her power. If we needed to construct a Dr. Frankenstein’s monster to combat Kristen Stewart then FINALLY we have the solution. Take unassuming 12 year old Oklahomian boy Greyson Michael Chance and put him in a room with completely no expectations having girls and let the boy PLAY GAGA!
Of course, we would also need a corpse or a live willing subject to be the host of this experiment. We would funnel all the want into them and flip the switch and hopefully they don’t just explode from want overload. Actually! Even better idea! We all know the storyline of Final Fantasy VII, right? RIGHT!?! Well, when the Diamond Weapon is out of control they use the big mako cannon of Midgar to kill it. So all we need is a giant cannon and funnel all the want into that and then fire that want bomb off like the guns of the Navarone! We will only have one shot at this, so make it good.
Back to the video, these girls WANT IT! They want GMC! Ladies Love Cool G!
The storyline to this video to me is such, Greyson Michael Chance has never spoken more than one word to any human being at his school minus the piano/music teacher. He is quiet, but polite. He shyly smiles, but completely keeps to himself. Meanwhile, everyday he goes home and practices his piano and singing to the only audience he knows: his mother, piano teacher, and Mr. Evers – the 83 year old Korean War veteran who sits in his wheelchair all day everyday on the front porch next door, alone ever since his wife Camille died 6 years earlier from a hang gliding accident in which a hang glider lost control of the glider and it kamikazied her in the head while she was tending to her rose bushes in the front yard. Virtually no one knew of Greyson’s singing or piano playing abilities. He had sharpened his skills in private all these years and when he took to the stage not a single person in the crowd gave it a second thought. But then!… But then… But the… But th… But t… But… Bu… B… …
GREYSON BLOOMS LIKE THE MOST GLORIOUS FLOWER IN EXISTENCE RIGHT IN FRONT OF THEIR EYES!
Like Socrates and Plato’s theory of forms, the perfect flower, the form of a flower, the pure essence of a flower is on stage playing the piano and singing to them the Lady’s words! The Gaga’s melodies! AND. THEY. WANT. IT! Look at their fucking faces! TELL ME I’M WRONG! Those girls would be less shocked if Greyson got on stage and ripped off his own face to reveal he was a 6 headed Robert Pattinson, Brad Pitt, Channing Tatum, Alexander Skarsgard, Taye Diggs, Mauricio “Shogun” Rua mythical beast bringing Armageddon to dry panties the world over.
To paraphrase Watchmen: The Superman does exist and he is American. He is Greyson Michael Chance. So you can fuck off now, Justin Bieber.
Questions for Friday.