My Life In Conversations – Part 1 of Whatever

June 2, 2010

I’m back. Yay. We all can rejoice. Yay. Rejoicing is fun. Yay. This post is about sex. Yay. But not the good kind. Yay. What? Yay. You’ll see. Yay. KSWI Jordan is  back.

It’s a short week here at the KSWI ranch, so I’ll hold off on the guest blogger post until next Wednesday. Today’s post will feature some odd, immature, disturbing and, yet, I believe accurate and truthful conversation between buds while drinking buds.

I hope everyone had a splendid Memorial Day weekend. I ate a bunch of hotdogs, cheesesteaks, hamburgers, and drank a lot of beer. I also drank vodka and orange Crush soda, which was both disgusting and refreshing. I did happen to go to the Jersey Shore. I did not see anyone from the Jersey Shore, but they were there. The Situation was apparently at the “Aztec” on the Seaside boardwalk some of the weekend. For those of you who don’t know Seaside or the “Aztec” well – IT IS AWFUL! Hands down the trashiest bar on the boardwalk. It is perfect that someone chose that place to be where The Situation ended up. I don’t go to the “Aztec” on purpose and I didn’t go this weekend. Do you know the type of bar where the floors are sticky and everything in the bathroom is wet including an inch of “water” on the floor? That’s “Aztec”.

Anyway, I drank, I ate, I watched sports, I was on a boat for a little bit. Onto the random post –

I will not say the following is stereotypical for all male friends to talk this way about sex, but this is true. Over Memorial Day weekend, I was involved in a conversation regarding one’s feelings towards the most unholy of the threesomes: two men and one woman. Colloquially referred to as the “Devil’s Threesome”. The conversation detailed not only one’s apprehension to be involved in this unspeakable threesome, but the given situation where one may have a higher willingness to participate.

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I will try to recreate the conversation as well as I can from how I remember it or how it haunts me. The main characters are myself, Friend #1 and Friend #2 – to hide their precious anonymity from what could be damaging to whatever little reputation they have. Generally speaking, people who engage in these types of dialogues do not have much reputation to ruin, but for appearance sake they will remain “Friend #1” and “Friend #2”.

It all started as Friend #1 and I ordered drinks at the bar. Friend #2 was still dillydallying or fucking a girl with another guy or whatever he was doing at another part of the bar. After our drinks were delivered and paid for, the bartender engaged us in a little conversation about what sports were playing on the TVs and what a problem his manager was being about it. The back and forth was quick, completely unnecessary, pleasant and when it was over the bartender began to wait on another patron. Friend #1 turned to me and said, “That guy is so gay.” My response, “The bartender? Yes, he is very gay.”

About 6’3″ and in really muscular good shape, the bartender was a good looking man, a sports loving man, and came across as quite gay. “He’s really gay and huge. If he wanted to have sex with us like the both us he could simply take us by force. We wouldn’t be able to stop him,” commented Friend #1. “And clearly, he wants both of us,” I retorted. Friend #1 continued, “He would love it. Both dongs at the same time in his mouth. He’s that gay.” I nodded. Friend #1 queried, “The question is would they be side-by-side or on top of each other?” Quite a question indeed.

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My initial instinct was side-by-side is the only way that makes sense. But immediately after voicing that opinion, I had an epiphany: laying down! If Friend #1 and myself were lying down on our backs with our legs intertwined via some scissor formation then this gay bartender who apparently wants us this badly would be able to attack our male members in an on top of each other fashion.

This is when Friend #2 enters the conversation. At first he so wrongly mistook our talk of kama sutra positions for our hypothetical threesome as being with the female bartender and not the gay guy bartender. We corrected him, but once the topic changed, from a “never going to happen” threesome with big gay bartender to the much more plausible “Devil’s Threesome” with the cute girl bartender, it began to spiral into a new realm of self discovery.

Would you participate in a guy-guy-girl threesome?

Knee-jerk reactions –

Me: No.

Friend #1: Yes.

Friend #2: How hot is the girl?

I then explained that Friend #2’s answer definitely meant he would be pro a dude-dude-dudette love making triangle, but he does have some stipulations. Nevertheless, the answer is a yes. The question then became how attractive does this classy lady who is willing to have sex with two guys at once have to be. Friend #1 stipulated that you find her attractive enough to want to have consensual coitus with. Friend #2 responded, very rightly so, “Well that doesn’t help. Attracted enough to just have sex? That is a low bar. There are a lot of girls that I would just have sex with.” I agreed, “Yes, this girl needs to be something special for such a memorable experience.”

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Friend #1 guffawed at this and said that he would have a threesome with any girl he found attractive. “Well, good for you. There are a lot of lucky ladies out there then.” But this did not help the situation with Friend #2. We settled on the girl would need to be really attractive like Friend #2’s dream girl level of hot for him to be willing to watch another man have sex with her while he was having sex with her at the same time. If the only way Friend #2 could have sex with his dream girl was in a threesome then yes he would. This was all signed off on after the rhetorical, “I don’t have to kiss the guy and our dicks never touch, right?” Neither will happen, but you will catch eyes a few times and, of course, you can’t keep your eyes closed the whole time so you’ll actively watch the other guy pounding away inches from you. Friend #2 was comfortable with that.

Friend #2 wondered if it would be worse or better if the other guy was a friend or a stranger? The hole is deeper* than previously expected…

Friend #1 thought a friend would be better. Friend #2 and I were uncertain. Although my immediate reaction was, “I hope this strange guy is good looking.” I don’t want to have a threesome with some ugly guy and a girl. If anyone is going to be the least attractive one of the three in the room it will be me. Friend #2 wasn’t sure if friend or stranger would be better. Friend #1 removed the stranger idea and said if all things prior were in place – dream girl and no dicks touching – would you have a threesome with a friend? The answer was yes, but he cited that the friendship would have been altered forever. They would still be friends, but he wouldn’t want to be around that friend for long stretches of time just the two of them. I agreed.

Then I started thinking about this parallel universe hypothetical situation, if my only opportunity to make sweet passionate love with a dream girl level of hotness girl was in a too many schlongs in the room threesome with a friend of mine, and if I didn’t participate in the threesome then she would still go off and fuck my friend – then I would definitely be in the “Devil’s Threesome”. I explained that I wouldn’t be able to live with myself knowing I passed up any form of sex with this angelic mistress, meanwhile my friend bangs her. That would tear me up inside. It is more spitefulness than anything that fuels my guy-guy-girl threesome identity.

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We had seemingly come to an end to this great debate and then began watching the UFC fights. Congratulations to Mike Russow for being a fat guy who knocked out the most in-shape guy ever, Tod Duffee. My gut salutes you.

And what are your thoughts? Outside of and including “what?” What is your openness* to a “Devil’s Threesome”?

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63 Responses to “My Life In Conversations – Part 1 of Whatever”

  1. susanelle said

    Thank god Memorial Day is not a week long because I shudder to think what we would be reading about then.

    Nope, no Devil’s Threesome for me. Or, if it came down to it, I would try to get them both so drunk and stoned that they would pass out, and I could sneak away and shop for jewelry (after taking a few staged photos of the two of them that would later fund the jewelry).

    That would be a fabulous evening, actually.

  2. tiffanized said

    You know we’re mostly girls out here, right? So a “Devil’s Threesome” for me would be the equivalent to you being with two girls.

    Anyway, the ship has sailed on this one for me. Twice. Two ships have sailed. After reading this post I felt pretty good about myself because this must mean I was probably “dream girl hot” for at least some of those dudes. Then that self-esteem balloon deflated when you insinuated that the girl involved would be something less than classy–not that I’ve ever hung my hat on the “classy” nail but I like to think I made the decision based on something more substantial than me being a total ‘ho. At least one of the times I should have been able to write off as charity. It was purely altruistic.

  3. campbelld said

    I think the urge to hi five would be pretty overwhelming. I think that about gay sex too, though. It’d be going along and then one dude would look at the other and go ‘gettin’ laid! Hell yeah!” and hi five.
    Would totally ruin and also make the moment more awesome.

  4. kt said

    Is a “Devil’s Threesome” for a girl, two girls and a guy? Or does the moniker only stand for the mmf combination? I guess it doesn’t matter… I’d probably be down for either. If I had a choice I would definitely choose two guys over two girls however.

    Question: I have noticed that more straight men are hesitant to be in a mmf threesome than straight women are to be in a ffm threesome. Why? Is there some deeply embedded fear of another man’s dong? Or are we just more comfortable saying we could be attracted enough to another woman to go that far? I should ask this next time the topic comes up in conversation.

    • tiffanized said

      I have a long feminist rant about this. I’m guessing this is the wrong venue for it, though.

      • Amy D said

        I don’t know, it’s looking a bit slow in the comments today. And it’s f’ing raining AGAIN, so a good rant would be much appreciated.

      • MLF said

        I definitely want to hear your feminist rant. IMO, I think it’s because women are far more comfortable with their sexuality then most men are. Also, I think that you can be sexually attracted to a person of either gender, regardless of whether you consider yourself gay or straight. And I think women embrace that more than men because society “approves” of same sex sexing for girls more so than for guys (ie I kissed a girl and I liked it, ect.)

        For example- I would definitely classify myself as straight, but it doesn’t stop me from wanting to lick HB’s face. and I feel perfectly comfortable telling her that, and then not worrying about whether she won’t want to be friends with me anymore because I’m homo, whereas with a guy…yeah. there would be no going back from that I think.

      • tiffanized said

        Short version, then. This is the theory I go on, not fact at all, though I’m totally going to write it as if it were: Women and men are both socialized to view women through the heterosexual male gaze. What is found most attractive by straight men becomes the standard of attractiveness. Straight men have to make more of a stretch to find another man attractive, because men are not presented as the sexual default. Straight women have been bombarded with sexualized women their entire lives and don’t have to make as much of an effort to be attracted to another woman.

      • kristenstewartwantsit said

        I would like to throw this out… a straight guy is not used to being penetrated. That kind of is a game changer.

      • kt said

        But thats saying that male penetration is inherently implied in a mmf threesome… which I don’t think is the case.

      • kristenstewartwantsit said

        I was bringing that up more for one reason why guys are not into randomly hooking up with other dudes like chicks do with other chicks. The idea that straight girls are hooking up with straight girls is more normal as opposed to straight guys not hooking up with straight guys.

      • MLF said

        Maybe a straight guy *should* be used to being penetrated. It would only be for his own benefit, I can’t imagine why any guy wouldn’t.

      • tiffanized said

        As far as straight guys and penetration, there is a first time for everything. There was a first time each of us as women were penetrated, and I don’t think that our sex allows us to get used to it any more easily than a man would be able to. Men and women do share two out of the three major inputs.

      • MLF said

        “guys are not into randomly hooking up with other dudes like chicks do with other chicks.”

        I hate to say this but my “straight” friends and I don’t ever just sit around hooking up with each other. Am I alone in this? Is the rest of the female population actually “hooking up” when they say they are just “hanging out?” I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that I think lots of men would love to believe that’s true but realistically….no.

      • tiffanized said

        The idea that straight girls are hooking up with straight girls is more normal as opposed to straight guys not hooking up with straight guys.

        You’ve brought us full-circle, man. The concept of straight girls having sex with each other being “normal” is based in straight women being socially conditioned to be sexually attracted to women because straight men are.

  5. Amy D said

    I’m with kt, I’m good for either mmf or ffm. I could be friends with the #2 f in this scenario and still go hang out with her the next day.

    • MLF said

      see that I wouldn’t do. no friends threesomes. not because I don’t think I couldn’t stay friends with them, but in my experience (granted this is only with males) the friendship was never the same afterwords. I am not sure if it would be different with a female friend though since I most likely would not develope romantic feelings for her (anything more than maybe wanting a repeat) and I feel like that is what ends up happening between friends that fuck.

  6. MLF said

    I am not sure if I would do a mmf threesome, it would depend on the circumstances. I have quite recently been a part of a ffm threesome (my first) and would definitely repeat the experience, but mmf seems like a lot of work- UNLESS the two guys are willing to interact with each other. In that case if two bisexual guys that both wanted to bang me and each other, I would be down, but if it was two straight guys who were going to be all awkward over having to do me at the same time, then no.

    I think if I had to pick between a mmf or a ffm I would stick with ffm, but that may just be because I have already done it so there is a comfortable “known” element to it or something.

  7. kt said

    I would watch that Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman sex tape.

    • MLF said

      only if batman keeps his little bat-hood with the ears on.

      • campbelld said

        Superman would kill any woman he had sex with.

      • Women only? So Wonder Woman’s a goner, but Batman will survive?

        What if the woman were to use a Kryptonite-based lube? I mean it wouldn’t be the main ingredient because he still needs to perform, but just a touch to keep him in check?

  8. Apparently I am a total prude as I’ve never once been involved in a threesome. I don’t think it’s even been an option. I’m not dream girl hot though, so that could be why. That or people assume I’m not adventurous. I live on the edge, people. I’ve kissed girls! I’ve stayed in hostels! I’ve accidentally put my fingers in my mouth after a day in NYC!

    MLF, for the record, you are more than welcome to lick my face should the opportunity arise.

    MMF – eh, maybe. I’m with Milfie on the whole awkward thing, though. How enjoyable will it be if there’s all this awkward tension and dude’s trying to prove they’re not gay? Maybe the key is just getting really, really drunk. Not too drunk that your business doesn’t work, obviously… but drunk enough that you wouldn’t mind the occasional brush of a calloused man hand across your bare ass. Hot.

    FFM – again, maybe. I don’t think I would get awkward with another girl like a dude might get awkward with another dude, so the likeliness that the experience as a whole will be enjoyable is greater.

    And friends? No. No friends. Ever. I’m not sexually attracted to my friends, hence the whole them being only friends thing.

    • tiffanized said

      I found the ffm much more awkward, but I think there were some other dynamics happening that I’m still not clear on. The mmfs were laid back, fun, mostly sober affairs. Of course, there were no sword crossings, so that may have helped. The guys did touch each other though, sort of in that “excuse me, pardon me, coming through” sort of way. No high-fiving, but I swear I remember a handshake at a pivotal moment.

      • Interesting… I have no idea what I’m talking about, in case you haven’t noticed. This is all hypothetical and based on assumptions on my end. I can’t really bring anything to today’s conversation, as I’m shockingly innocent in reality, and also incredibly shy so would never find myself in this situation. I may try to talk a sailor-like game, but when it comes down to it, you’re all in a different league. I’ll just be over here wearing my panda ears while you sexy badasses actually walk the walk. Or sex the walk? Whatever you want to call it.

      • MLF said

        quite contrary I find your panda ears highly arousing

      • Well, you have Tiffanized to thank for that. They are pretty alluring.

        Actually, let me clarify one thing: the “you’re all in a different league” comment was meant strictly in terms of threesome-having. Like, there are those who have threesomes, and then there are those that don’t. All I’m saying is that I never made it past Tee Ball. I just don’t want to get accused of throwing myself another pity party and told to “fucking buck the fuck up” again.

        I’m not making sense anymore so I’m just going to stop.

      • tiffanized said

        If I were still in threesoming shape, I’d have one with you HB, just so you could say you’d been there and done that. Milf can join us and we’ll have a fff, the details of which we would hold over J-Dogg’s head to keep him writing this blog infinitely.

      • MLF said

        I think what you meant was, there are those of us who have had threesomes, and then there are those of us that have not had threesomes, *yet*

        besides, you’ve seen KSWICon schedual,(you wrote it..duh) I’m pretty sure the foursome’s/fivesome’s occuring will make threesomes look very tame and sooo last week.

      • MLF said

        tiffanized I’ve seen you in jorts and I must say you are far from out of threesoming shape.

      • I feel like our threesome would be a lot like a prop show…. You in your biketard, me in my panda ears, MLF with a riding crop. And the perfect carrot-on-a-stick for Jordong. Except that I just said props and carrots in the same thought, so I’m sure you’re all thinking about Carrot Top now and I’ve killed the mood AGAIN. Balls.

      • susanelle said

        Like, there are those who have threesomes, and then there are those that don’t.

        I’d say the threesome-having proportion of KSWI commenters is way higher than the general population, especially given the average age of Kswicoms. WAY HIGHER.

        I don’t know what that means, but there’s a doctoral thesis in there for someone. Twilight addiction + Jersey comedian = threesome-havingness????

      • MLF said

        @ HB- I love your prop show idea, literally loughing at loud but I must say I would far rather be worked over with the riding crop than actually be the person weilding it.

        @susanelle- after last weeks porn breakdown, I have concluded that KSWI common taters are all sexual geniuses/deviants therefore the high number of threesome having is in general not suprising to me.

      • MLF said

        “The victims’ names were not released. Price said they were not established porn stars”

        geez, kick a girl when she’s dead why don’t you.. they at least could have lied and said they had promising looking careers or something.

      • PWG said

        I’d prefer my nationwide breaking news obituary to be more along the lines of “prevented a hijacking at the expense of her own life” instead of “killed by sparkly prop dildo, plus she wasn’t even that great of a porn actress.”

  9. MLF said

    has anyone else listened to the eclipse soundtrack? I usually do because I love listening to the songs and trying to place where they will be in the movie. also, there is a song on there titled How Can You Swallow So Much. I really, REALLY would love to meet the person responsible for naming that song.

    also does anyone else imagine Let’s Get Lost to be the #leghitch mood music? or maybe not. I am torn. it is sexy sounding but it also sounds really eighties to me so I can’t imagine sexing to it…idk.

    • I’m more excited for the soundtrack than the movie. The Black Keys, The Dead Weather, Florence + The Machine, Vampire Weekend – feels like it was made from my own iTunes playlist. I don’t remember much of Eclipse, so as for what will go where… no clue. I’m just excited for new music from those artists. I’m a white girl who loves her alt indie rock.

      • tiffanized said

        They’re streaming the soundtrack at http://www.eclipsesoundtrack.com/preorder/ for 24 hours, but I don’t know when it started, so you might only have a few hours left to listen. I’ve had it on all day. The Black Keys’ track is easily the best, but I was surprised how much I liked the Cee Lo Green track.

        I think Edward and Bella should leghitch to “Jacob’s Theme”, as it would be both disturbing and true to the saga’s habit of shitting on Jacob whenever possible.

      • Amy D said

        The Black Keys album (Brothers) is by far one of the best I’ve bought lately. Although having my teen tell me that it sounds like something grandpa listens to did damper my spirits slightly.

        That said, very excited for the soundtrack to come out next week.

      • kt said

        The Black Keys track is easily my favorite but I really dig “Atlas” by Fanfarlo and the Florence and the Machines song. I’m surprised that I really like that UNKLE song too. Not gonna lie, I keep skipping the Muse song… I kinda hate it.

  10. PWG said

    Is this question a backdoor method of figuring out sleeping arrangements at the KSWI compound?

    You can mark me down as:

    1) No firsthand experience in this subject
    2) MMF over FFM
    3) Not with friends of either sex
    4) Apparently likes threesome movies, because I’ve seen both of those up there

    Also, that Life picture is making me question the reason behind the Gore breakup.

  11. PWG said

    Whenever I see a scene in a porn movie with a woman kneeling between two men giving them both blowjobs, I assume this is what the men are thinking: “I hope she doesn’t try to fit them both in her mouth at the same time. Because then there’ll be ‘touching’, plus that means both of our dicks are small enough to fit in a woman’s mouth at the same time. Plus there’s a better chance of her scraping our dicks with her teeth. And why am I doing this, because be definition my dick is only going to get sucked half as much as if I were here with her alone.”

    I could be wrong.

    • MLF said

      I always think the same thing. It’s definitely not the most efficient way to do things, I would think the obvious answer would be to utilize another hole but hey,that’s just me.

      • PWG said

        I’ve heard the phrase “Tupperware party” used to describe a woman with three men.

        I don’t think I have the attention span for that kind of work. “Wait, what are we- where are you going, hold on, stop flipping me around, move your-” Then there’s the timing thing. Do we get to stop when I’m done, or do we have to wait for all four of us? If I finish first I’m not going to be very excited about putting in another half hour’s work, I’ll just tell you that right now.

      • MLF said

        I’m pretty sure typical foursome ettiquete dictates that the party ends with three cumshots to the face/chest. Or at least that is what porn would have you believe. For the rest of us that don’t enjoy having semen in our eyes, I’m not really sure.

      • kt said

        Milfie you never fail to surprise me with your comments.

  12. campbelld said

    This has been a classy conversation. But, then agin. When isn’t it?

    • MLF said

      true, and Jordo claimed outrage at our sluttiness last week; I am excited to see what kind of chastisement we get tomorrow for our kinkiness. You can borrow my riding crop, kayswidge, if you want it.

      • PWG said

        I’m mildly interested to know how the blogger Kay Swidge met last week heard about this site. It feels like I’m only being an insulting irreverant whore for an audience of a dozen, but apparently that’s not the case. The Lurkerdom is legion.

      • kt said

        You have just freaked me out a little bit.

      • cledbo said

        Please tell me their nothing like this Legion.

        That could be a problem.

  13. AmyAlmost said

    I love what you all say about this.

    My friends were a little different during our sexual exploration era. There was a lot of straight guy and straight guy sex and devils threesomes happening around my house. All the guys I know are extremely comfortable with their sexuality that the concept of guy-guy doesn’t freak them out anymore than girl-girl freaks out girls.

  14. cledbo said

    It appears on the surface that the tone of KSWI has fallen down a great big crevasse*, but really it’s just the generally dirtiness down here in the comments finally infiltrating its way fully into J-bizzle’s elegant prose.

    FFM with a friend and your boyfriend gets awkward only if the ‘guest’ girl thinks you’re going to ask her to do it again. Girl #2 stopped caring once she got married (even though she really should have realised we weren’t going to ask her again anyway) but Girl #1 still acts a bit…weird around Mr Cledbo and me when we’re a bit drunk and getting handsy with each other. Not that I wouldn’t go there again, she was fun (if *extremely* hammered at the time) but she’s not really that kind of girl. More of a ‘sleep with random boys whenever I feel like it’ kind of girl, and more power to her!

    So strangers is a good way to go, but how do you find someone? Don’t think I haven’t soberly pondered this question either – it’ll be the cheapest birthday present I’ll ever get him, if I can pull it off. Lot of effort though, in the finding. The doing is a more enjoyable type of effort.

    HB – Thank you for calling us sexy badasses. We will train you in our ways, in exchange for a guest post.

    And for the record – MMF = No, because I’d have to do it with Mr Cledbo, and that would be too…esoteric for him, I think. Plus it sounds like a LOT of effort, whereas with FFM there are ample opportunities for lying back and enjoying yourself.

    • AmyAlmost said

      Agreed about the MMF effort!

    • Shhh… don’t let Jordan know that it only takes ONE post to earn group-sexing from the common taters.

      I’m very flattered by your “HB for Guest Blogger” campaign. ## all around for that. But the truth is that I am not blogger material. I can write 5000 words in the comments because someone else did all the hard work of being creative by coming up with, and expounding upon, a given topic. Spouting off on that topic while taunting the writer is my niche, and I’m ok with that. Dream big! Plus, Jordan’s set the bar too high – I can’t meet those standards.

      But I have a track record of giving in to peer pressure (especially considering sister wifely sexing is on the line…), so if something comes to me, I’ll be sure to send it to Kay Swirl.

      • cledbo said

        Can I just say I love the game step-up you ladies have been doing with regards to new and fascinating nicknames for old Jordan.

        Kay Swirl. I love it. We need a compilation.

        Also, blogging is pretty easy when you’re already hilarious HB – you could just pick an old post of Jordo’s, and go to town* with whatever comes into your head. Or you could cop out, like me, and just pick something you could talk under wet cement about anyway.

  15. Lala said

    I have to say I’m a little shocked with the comments section today. But then again, maybe I should be used to it by now. Anyway, I don’t know what to say about today’s post. I would probably choose two girls over two guys because… I don’t know why. And no friends included. Definitely no friends.

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