The Definitive “The Octagon” Essay – As Requested

June 3, 2010

There were many monumental achievements in 1980 such as… well… something(s). But the greatest of those many accomplishments was the film The Octagon starring Chuck fucking Norris. Some may know the acting juggernaut Chuck fucking Norris as simply “Chuck Norris”, but that is a fallacy because there is nothing “simple” about the magical and lethal moves Mr. fucking Norris makes. This year marks the 30th anniversary of this piece de resistance. As many will do this year, I re-watched The Octagon and, take a wild guess, I’m going to tell you all about it.

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There are many reasons to watch, or I should say “re-watch”, The Octagon and I shall list them:

– Chuck fucking Norris (have you been paying attention!?!)

– Chuck fucking Norris with a sword

– Chuck fucking Norris with throwing knives

– Ninjas

– Ninjas with swords

– Ninjas with throwing knives

– Chuck fucking Norris fighting the previously mentioned ninjas

– Side boob

– Guns

– More ninjas

Clearly, this list could go on forever. I have yet to really scratch the surface about how many times you see Chuck fucking Norris battling ninjas. By far the majority of the viewing experience of The Octagon is watching Chuck fucking Norris fight a never ending cache of easily defeated ninjas. But there is one thing that rivals the sheer volume of pajama clad warriors is…

HAIR!

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Yeah, that’s right! I said it. The only thing that The Octagon spent more money on besides ninja extras was an airplane hanger of CFC hairspray canisters and an Amazon river of mousse. Look at Chuck fucking Norris’ hair! It is spun gold! If you could even find a pair of scissors worthy enough to cut those glorious locks of hair you could smelt that into fancy lady’s jewelry- if you’re Italian or Latino male it could be a classy gold crucifix. But I digress, his hair is GLORE-EE-YUS! Look at it in action…

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Not a single errant strand out of place! Look at the swing. It’s full power! You can’t half ass a samurai sword swing in a fight to the death with a dual tsai wielding ninja!

And it is not just Chuck fucking Norris neither either…

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There… are… just… no… words! It is phenomenal! This is Art Hindle and his HAIR who plays Chuck fucking Norris’ brother A.J. in The Octagon. These brothers do not share the same athletic or deadly force talent, but they definitely both have head follicles of the Gods! What could you possibly call that hair style? They should make space shuttles out of it. It could be the missing piece to the Super Collider. James Spader used Art Hindle’s hair to decipher the Stargate… wait… there’s more hair to be talked about!

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Magnificent! Here’s Chuck fucking Norris’ love interest Karen Carlson. A velvety raven colored waterfall that cascades down her… yes, I’m sure you have already guessed:

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Karen is our lovely side boob! But I’m getting way ahead of myself. Actually take a second and soak in this picture. Make note of everything. I do mean EVERYTHING. Now focus in on Karen’s flowing hair. You are already cynical I can feel it. We saw Chuck fucking Norris’ hair in a-c-t-i-o-n, but what about Karen’s?

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FUCKING BLAM! BOOM! RAT-A-TAT-TAT! She’s got a machine gun! Look at the sheen of her obsidian hair and how it shines in the gasoline fire light. Let’s not waste this opportunity…

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Oh look how it radiates with the muzzle flash! Who would’ve guessed a muzzle flash from an M-16 would really compliment someone’s silky well kept hair? As they say, you live and learn from The Octagon or at least I say that. While we’re talking about Karen Carlson, let’s revisit her, her hair and her side boob. The scene begins with Karen and her hair telling an anecdote to Chuck fucking Norris about the death of her prize pig (true).

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Just luxurious. Karen Carlson is simply a vision of raw sexual energy. Many have equated one’s sexuality, one’s sexual attractiveness, one’s animalistic sex drive with thick, beautiful hair. And with that I present you…

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Holy last prophet Mohamed does Chuck fucking Norris look sensational. Of course, Karen Carlson would be drawn in by fucking Norris’ primal magnetism. How could you blame her for throwing herself at this beast of a man? As quickly as they finish awkwardly progressing the “plot”, Karen is tearing her shirt off for the literally lying in wait Chuck fucking Norris.

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Could you even imagine the head of hair each one of their male children would have? Don’t! You mustn’t! It would be like staring into the Sun! It would be so full and soft. And yes, all their kids would be sons because Chuck fucking Norris is all Y chromosomes. There is just so much hair in this movie!

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Mustache hair!

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Chest hair!

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Dirty hair!

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No hair! Well, I had to at least show Lee Van Cleef is in the movie. He gets a pass with the hair because he was in The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly. Don’t forget the earring, which is not in the gay ear, fellas.

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The random mercenary throwaway characters have great hair.

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The hillbilly henchmen have great hair.

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We don’t see this ninja guy without his head wrap on, but he makes hissing noises and fights Chuck fucking Norris for a solid half hour, so I’m guessing he has pretty hair like a horse’s mane.

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Look at how much fucking hair is in this scene! You could shave these beautiful bastards and make winter coats for everyone. And I do mean EVERYONE, Gary Oldman. We could finally plug the BP oil leak with all that hair (topical joke).

But wait a God damn minute, KSWI Jordan. What about “evil” hair? Did you ask for evil hair? Look now!

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EVIL! EEEEEE-VEL! Here is Tadashi Yamashita and his bullet helmet of hair as the evil Seikura. This coal black haired dynamo is not only the owner of the infamous “octagon”, but the leader of the glass jawed infinite ninja army. Seikura in this scene actually demonstrates that he has psychic abilities and can sense that Chuck fucking Norris is coming for him. They don’t explain this in the movie, but I attribute it to their hair communicating with each other in their own mystical language. I don’t want to ruin any of the hand crafted story, but I will tell you…

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THEY FIGHT!

The hair that is. They fight over the destiny of truth and justice and the sanctity of the universe of hair. Or Chuck fucking Norris and Tadashi have a quick and ultimately disappointing final fight, which ends remarkably abruptly and is immediately followed by credits. But seriously, who the fuck cares?

It is Chuck fucking Norris and his hair! Now celebrate the 30th anniversary and go watch The Octagon.

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16 Responses to “The Definitive “The Octagon” Essay – As Requested”

  1. kt said

    Commence Chuck Norris fact jokes.

  2. susanelle said

    Sigh, Lee Van Cleef… now there’s a guy over 60 I’d fuck.

    Or is he dead? ::googles:: OK, he’s dead… which makes him a dead guy I’d fuck and that’s saying something (especially since he’s been dead 20 years, ew).

  3. brandy said

    the WANT v. chuck fucking norris?

  4. campbelld said

    There is something to be said for terrible 80’s martial arts movies. That is, they give so much and ask so little.
    The rather excellent Dr McNinja http://drmcninja.com/newreaders.php
    is having a major ninja eighties movie thing at the moment, involving the inverse ninja law-one ninja is a stealthy and deadly opponent, while many ninja’s are clumsy, weak and stupid.

  5. Lala said

    I don’t get this thing with Chuck Norris, all the guys I know think he is amazing. Why?

  6. Happy 30th, The Octagon. I’ve never seen you, but you look like a good time.

    More importantly: Happy 20th, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Do we have to wait another 10 years for that write-up?

    I saw Conan O’Brien’s “Prohibited” Tour on Tuesday night. He broke out the Walker Texas Ranger Lever for old time’s sake. Three enormous screens of Chuck fucking Norris (that sounds like I was watching gay porn). With Conan dancing around. With Paul Rudd and John Krasinski. IN PERSON. Oh, the glory.

    • AmyAlmost said

      oh man.. now i have the turtle power song stuck in my head.

      • PWG said

        Oh great, now I do!

      • Amy D said

        I got this song stuck in my friends head, just cause I love her. Perhaps it will help you both get the Ninja Turtle song out of yours….

        “She ain’t no thing but a hoochie mama. Hoodrat hoodrat hoochie mama”

        For those of you who know the song and are now singing along, you’re welcome.

  7. tiffanized said

    I’m going to have nightmares about Chuck fucking Norris’ Chiclet teeth in that mustache closeup.

  8. AmyAlmost said

    All I can think about is Chuck Norris and Jonathan Brandis in Sidekicks from today’s post.

  9. cledbo said

    Kristen Stewart must never become enemies with Chuck Norris.

    The poster had me thinking this movie would be a space battle with ninjas epic. Someone needs to make a movie with Chuck Norris fighting ninjas…in space! Now! Do it now!

  10. The Tick said

    As The Tick, I’ve fought countless ninjas. One night I fought a million billion of them. Those ninjas… They’re wacky! They can even install telephones! Amazing!

  11. James said

    Really great flick.

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