Kristen Stewart Wants Flaunt and Threesomes

June 4, 2010

It has been a rather short week in terms of the quantity of posts, but I dare say the quality was firing on all cylinders. We discussed two topics that had really been begging to be discussed for a long time on this website: threesomes and Chuck fucking Norris’ masterpiece The Octagon.

What did we learn from those two posts? The first thing we learned was at least a third of the commenting staff for KSWI are big insufferable whores who can’t be satisfied by simply fucking one person at a time. The word “whore” has such a negative connotation as if you were paid for it or that your actions destroyed a marriage. I cannot say in all sincerity that I know that either of those things occurred. So let’s pretend like the word “whore” wasn’t used to describe these loose moral and loose legged regular commenters. What would be better?

I’m just joking. I don’t think you are whores because you had sex with two men at once. You clearly have great aspirations, great challenges to solve – you simply just WANT more. You want it more than the average person. You WANT IT more than the other 2/3’s of KSWI commenting staff. And by “it” I mean two dicks in you or around you at all times. And that is wonderful. Didn’t Norman Rockwell have a series of paintings entitled Scout and Santa give it to one lucky lady? I could be wrong about that, but I don’t think I am.

What about Shell Silverstein and the sequel to The Giving Tree where two trees “give it” to Lady Hempers over and over again in every hole until they shoot their apples all over her face and chest? What was that book called again? The Giving Trees: I’ve got bark burn on my cooch? Beautiful stories and paintings that all highlight these beautiful and limber women who just want it more than the typical variety. And speaking of wanting it…

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Ahhhhhhh… how refreshing! Refreshing like a bag of ice cubes on one’s vajeen after being pounded by two different penises all night. First, KRISTEN STEWART WANTS IT. This is the cover of Flaunt magazine, which has a website over here www.flaunt.com. A week or so ago, someone associated with Flaunt sent me these pictures of Kristen Stewart. It has taken me awhile to put them to use considering there were just so many dongs to talk about and photos of Chuck fucking Norris’ hair to sift through.

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Her Wantness is meditating in this picture. She is meditating in what appears to be a sheer nightgown of some sort. This pictures from Flaunt tell a story to me. This is the first picture and it is just as Kristen Stewart is rising from whatever slumber the WANT allows her to have. She is now softly meditating to herself to try and keep the inner beast of want down before she gets her morning coffee and pack of cigarettes in her.

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This is really where the story begins though. This is where we get a sense of what Kristen Stewart’s day is. This isn’t what the real Kristen Stewart’s day is. The real Kristen Stewart spends her days making vampire movies that define your lives and she wants it – we all know that. But the Kristen Stewart character in this picture set’s life is living in a trailer park and I believe today is her Prom.

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Here we see Kristen Stewart in what appears to be her first trailer park trash from the future and maybe French Prom dress. This photoshoot is very complicated. The Prom isn’t until much later in the day, but Kristen is apprehensive about what to wear. This is her first option. She’s checking it out in the mirror. But you may also notice she is not looking herself directly in the eyes. That is a safety precaution like The Ghostbusters not crossing their streams (ghost killing power pack streams, not them all peeing in a toilet together). If the Want ever Wanted the Want then I’m sure the universe was shatter like a cheap wine glass. So she averts her eyes for the sake of humanity and life itself.

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Here Kristen is taking her dress with now added metallic vest and gauntlet outside. Is the dress comfortable enough to dance in, sit in, hang out in for hours at a time. Kristen is finding all of this out. She’s lounging around in the dress like taking a car out for a test drive. Also, she’s huffing a little gas to calm her nerves. Typical day.

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Here Kristen displays that the gauntlet is not only fashionable, but can be used as a versatile weapon. She can deflect bullets with it I presume. Also, she can put it to her forehead and charge into her assailant like a rhinoceros. Maybe it does even more than that. Maybe this space age metal alloy can be used as a conductor and simply pressing it to her forehead it can be an outlet for her Want and thus fire off short, deliberate Want beams.

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Fuck, she wants it. Fuck, she changed. Kristen wasn’t happy with the other dress. Kristen is going for something a little more classic. Simple black and white dress and what appears to be a dead black furry animal on her right forearm. Just classic Prom dress stuff.

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That dress didn’t last long. What about business Kristen Stewart? And what business is the Kristen Stewart involved in? She’s a replicant assassin prostitute from Blade Runner, obviously. Kristen is also doing some roleplaying to prepare for some of the late night festivities. Yes, I’m smoking in your bedroom. Is that not ok? Then why don’t you come over here and make me put it out… with your two schlongs.

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Kristen Stewart wants it!

Kristen Stewart is pensive. Will she ever find the perfect dress for Prom? What does one wear to a futuristic, glam model, trailer park trash Prom? What does one wear when planning on being in a “Devil’s Threesome”? Should she even wear clothes? Should she be stretching to get ready? Maybe eat some complex carbohydrates. WHAT TO DO!?! What to wear!?!

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AND… perfect. Kristen Stewart wants it. She has found her dress, she has found a dirty mattress to have sex with two dudes on at the same time. The mattress is outside so this threesome can take place under the stars and make it real romantic-like.

And in the end, the lived happily ever after…

Check out the issue of Flaunt if you already haven’t. They have videos of this photoshoot with Kristen and they interviewed her about making movies.

I hope you all have a great weekend. Apparently, these great weekends of yours involve having sex with multiple people, who are not me, at one time. Nevertheless, I hope you have a great weekend.

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30 Responses to “Kristen Stewart Wants Flaunt and Threesomes”

  1. MLF said

    uhm, ew. forgive me for saying this, fellow kristen lovers, but I absolutely detest that photoshoot. Hate the makeup, hair. clothes, odd trailer park backdrop..uhm. no. It is pretty damn challenging to make kristen look gross but whoever desiged that shoot really want above and beyond.

    • susanelle said

      Aw, Milfie, you are always surprising!

      I like this photo shoot because it is so anti-Bella. This girl would not fall unconscious when Edward fake-dumped her. This girl would say, “Where is my riding crop and failing that my tire iron?”

      On the other hand, they let her jug-handle ears hang out a leeetle too much.

      Jordan, your voice-over was brilliant, as yoozh.

      • MLF said

        huh. When you say it like that it makes me like it, a lot more, but still not enough. Yeah she looks like a ball breaker but I also think she looks kind of fugly, which she’s totally not.

  2. PWG said

    I don’t think we need to divide up the “commenting staff” (a term I love, I feel like I got a big promotion) into groups based on our threesomeness. That seems like a poorly concealed plot on your part to get us involved in a KSWI-Con mud wrestling death match. You know how fight promoters are always conjuring up fake grudges and conflicts to hype the event? You’re not going to need more drama when we descend on you, and our schedules are already pretty full without the wrestling or foxy boxing.

  3. tiffanized said

    This photoshoot was based on my life. My weekends are all couture dresses and big hair and cigarettes and trailers. And sitting around waiting for the line of sexual partners to form outside of my plywood front door, of course.

  4. PWG said

    I’m not in a position to cast stones on her choice of prom dresses. Or trailer-parkedness, for that matter.

    Exhibit A

    The fugly shoes and 80’s hair jump out at you right away, but I don’t think you can appreciate the silver sparkly netting overlay in this shot. If I had access to a time machine, I might just waste my Hitler-killing chance by going back and ripping off this hideous big bow instead.

    The “Trailer Park Queen of 1988” crown I get because that’s my brother-in-law cropped out of the shot.

    • susanelle said

      Oh, Peeeeege!!!! You are a great beauty!! You look a lot like Kristen actually. Holy cats. I never got that from your photo with the guys, though you were cute as the proverbial button there.

      But, yes, forget Hitler — get that bow.

      • PWG said

        Bwah ha ha, if you have a PayPal account I can arrange to pay you for flattering lies on a full-time basis. I’m going to hope that’s not the most insulted Kristen’s ever been by this blog.

        In my defense before I’m judged on my poor sartorial choices, you’d have to see what else was available in that decade to choose from. It was the age of Madonna and ZZ Top videos. Thanks to bridesmaid dress designers with a mean streak of misogyny, that’s not the last or worst time I had a huge satin bow plastered on my ass, either.

      • susanelle said

        In RRRRussia, bow wears YOU.

      • PWG said

        Vodak!

    • MLF said

      zomg! I so totes love that dress. I would wear it like, tonight.

      I’m not even being sarcastic. and the bow is my fave part, followed by the ruffles. for real.

      • PWG said

        I don’t know WHERE Jojo gets his “bitches hatin’ bitches” theories. Nobody is nicer to bitches than you bitches.

        I find the idea of a murder of women hitting the Jersey bars at KSWI-Con in prom and bridesmaid dresses hilarious. I was going to say “after” KSWI-Con before I realized such an event would inevitably be held IN an actual bar. Bars. Multiple bars. He would look like a pimp with the craziest stable of hookers EVer. I’m bringing a tiara and a scepter. Campbell, you must attend in Dr. Horrible wear, no excuses this time.

      • susanelle said

        It’s not niceness on my part — if any one of the commenting staff turned out ugly in the photo evidence I would not try to argue the opposite, but so far… no worries.

        In fact, it’s perplexing. All the good looks explain the high incidence of threesomes, but it doesn’t explain why y’all have so much time to goof around on a nutty blog. I would think you’d be busy fending off would-be lovers. Does not compute.

      • MLF said

        I don’t have a job- that helps.

      • tiffanized said

        I can fend and goof simultaneously. It’s all about the multitasking.

      • The inverse of MLF’s situation is also true: I have (well, had) a job – that helps. Boredom is my muse.

        And if you can figure out why I’m commenting and not fending off countless suitors, please do let me know. No offense to His Royal Jordness, but I’d be ok with cutting my daily comment count in half if it meant the rest of my time was taken up by trying to “protect myself” from an army of hot dudes.

    • Tuns out 80’s prom PWG is literally the only thing that could possibly top the bottle of Patron I got as a going away gift from my VP.

      Side note: awesome or worrisome that I got a bottle of tequila from one of the higher ups? Whatever it is, it’s definitive proof that I was the department boozebag. Oops.

  5. PWG said

    This is some mighty fine work, Lou: “Also, she can put it to her forehead and charge into her assailant like a rhinoceros.”

    Non sequitur: Speaking of hot men with degrees in Philosophy, I’ve developed a fierce crush on Chris Hayes, Washington editor of The Nation. In an interview this week he used the words pernicious and inimical. Correctly. I bet he can spell them, too. Rowr.

  6. PWG said

    I’m re-reading Where the Sidewalk Ends. It’s making me sentimental.

    Hug O’ War
    I will not play at tug o’ war.
    I’d rather play at hug o’ war,
    Where everyone hugs
    Instead of tugs,
    Where everyone giggles
    And rolls on the rug,
    Where everyone kisses,
    And everyone grins,
    And everyone cuddles,
    And everyone wins.

    Beats the shit out of the red wheelbarrow in the rain poem, in my opinion.

    • tiffanized said

      Yes, that fucking plum-eater William Carlos Williams with his lack of rhyme and extraneous ‘William’ can just SUCK IT because Shel Silverstein never wrote poems that sounded like a note from your freeloading roommate who ate your produce.

      Is it wrong that the “Hug O’ War” poem sounds like a threesome to me? Maybe that’s where I got the idea at an early age that rolling around on the floor kissing “everyone” was the way to go.

    • PWG said

      I didn’t realize icebox dude and wheelbarrow dude were one and the same. My poetry preferences run more toward Jimi Hendrix interpreting All Along the Watchtower. Or Rodney Dangerfield reciting Do Not Go Gentle into That Good Night in Back To School.

    • PWG said

      I thought the same thing about the Hug O’ War poem. Normal: I read a children’s book and thought of Jordan and his Devil’s Threesomes. Talk about crossing your streams.

  7. amanda said

    im reading ELLE magazine
    and who should be on the cover but none other kristen stewart
    this is exactley what the author writes:
    “Telegraphing their neuroses is, in fact, her strength as an actor: Her characters can be truly discomfiting to watch. Yet she also projects a riveting precociousness. Anyone who has seen Into the Wild will find it hard to forget a young, gangly Stewart as 16-year-old Tracy Tatro, perched on a bed in white cotton underwear, vulnerable as a colt yet trembling with need, offering herself to Emile Hirsch’s clueless, idealistic Christopher McCandless. “Kristen can express all that longing and desire and anxiety with a look or a smile,” says Jon Kasdan, director of In the Land of Women, in which Stewart portrayed a teenager with a crush on her twenty-something neighbor, played by Adam Brody. “She doesn’t have to say, ‘Oh, I’m so filled with longing’—she can just do it.”

    its like.. I know!!!!! we know!!! she fucking wants it. she doesnt have to say i want it. she just does. thank god other people notice it besides us

    • PWG said

      What?!! That’s totally stolen from you, Jordan. Kasdan’s a lurker. Or else you’ve slipped into the zeitgeist. Use your power for good.

  8. cledbo said

    Raaaaah. So much trashy sparkly want, I thought we’d been transported into an alternate universe Twilight. The waredrobe and hair are bad enough to qualify. I also have Bad Romance stuck in my head now, that gauntlet is a total Gaga rip-off right there.

    It was nice of Flaunt to specifically send you these pictures. Do they even know what this site is? Or do they know it so well, that they’ll feature it in a future issue under the heading #TRUTH – Kristen Stewart WANTS it, handsome blogger spreads gospel like so much melty butter on hot toast.
    Because that would be the least they could do, you know.

    My weekend is now over, and if it makes you feel any better Mr. Jordanowik, it didn’t involve a threesome, Devil’s or otherwise. It did involve mud, cold cold rain, camouflage netting and a fuckton of swearing. And pizza! No sex though. Disappointing.

    • AmyAlmost said

      I took Alaskans to Australia Zoo with a horrid hangover for my weekend. Not much swearing but quite a bit of ‘oi’ ‘mate’ and ‘g’day’ in khaki.

  9. Crystal said

    I think she looks awesome. To me this IS Kristen. Trailers, and cigarettes with a bit of chic-ness mixed in.

    Is chic-ness a word?

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