My Life In Conversations – Part 2 of Whatever

June 8, 2010

Update on my sleeping –

I had a terrible night of sleep, but I did sleep some. I bought a box of “Simply Sleep”. I took some. I know I fell asleep a few times because I had dreams. Crazy, crazy, crazy dreams. This is pretty typical, but it is noteworthy that I cannot blame the hallucinogenic powers of Ambien for my crazy dreams.

In one dream that I can remember pretty clearly, I met Dustin Hoffman… for the second time! A big group of us were getting dressed up to go see a movie. That movie was Predators. Strangely enough, there is a movie called Predators that is coming out, but it wasn’t that movie. This Predators was completely an original production to that movie. Anyway, one of the people in this gaggle of humans that was going to see Predators was Dustin Hoffman.

I see Mr. Hoffman and I walk over to him to say hello. Dustin is dressed in what could only be described as a jacket Steven Seagal wore in The Glimmer Man… well I’ll just show you:

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Dustin Hoffman and I shake hands. He remarks that the first time we met, which means we’ve met before, that he gave me a weak handshake. He wanted to know what I thought of this handshake that just transpired. I said that it was actually very strong and, if I were to get critical, maybe too strong. That is when Mr. Hoffman replied, “Well, good. I didn’t want you to think I was a faggot, but now you probably think I have Down syndrome.” Needless to say, I found this comment surprising and off putting.

Immediately after that a pack of tigers attacked our horses. Oh, did I forget to mention we were going to ride horses to see Predators? Whether I mentioned it or not, we didn’t ride any horses because they were all scared away or savagely killed in front of us by the wild jungle cats. Maybe more surprising than Dustin Hoffman’s choice of wardrobe or uncouth language, none of us ran in terror when the tigers were attacking the horses that were mere feet from us. I guess we all assumed once the tigers had filled their stomachs with horse meat then they would have no appetite to feed on us.

The question I have is- if dreams are a window into one’s subconscious, do I believe men with weak handshakes are “faggots” and men with strong handshakes have “Down syndrome”? I find this very unlikely. What I believe my subconscious was telling me was I think Dustin Hoffman is a weirdo who uses words like “faggots” and jokes about “Down syndrome” with the utmost glib. So if you learned anything from this website:

1. Kristen Stewart wants it.

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2. Keep your children away from critically acclaimed actor Dustin Hoffman.

Next topic…

Last Thursday, I wrote about the tour de force performances by various people’s hair in the movie The Octagon. Besides that essay being criminally under appreciated and under commented on, another great film was mentioned by one of the KSWI commenting staff: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

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I have a lot to say about TMNT and everything associated with that glorious franchise. There was the original cartoon series, which I watched religiously. There were the video games, which I owned and played all. There were the movies, which I have seen numerous times. But today’s discussion on the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles will be about one specific element of the movies: the Foot Clan.

About two weeks ago, Friend #2 from the previous installment of “My Life In Conversations” were sitting around and watching TV. The movie Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze was on. We began watching it and found ourselves discussing at length the Foot Clan.

Ahhhhh, yes – the Foot Clan. The ninja henchmen army of The Shredder were the Turtles’ main adversaries. Seemingly, not a day goes by in the life of a Turtle or a member of the Foot that they do not battle. It is quite the common occurrence. When we as a nation of united human beings were first introduced to the Foot Clan they were robots. ROBOTS! Yes! Robots they were. The Shredder had a mechanical army that were trained or programmed in Ninjutsu and were dressed to appear as if they were in fact human ninjas.

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First, let me just mention that that is a funny thing unto itself. Robots don’t require clothes. They’re ROBOTS! They have no shame. They have no style. They have no sense of decency because they need not. They were just metal robots and not the type of robot with human flesh over top of the metal skeleton to appear as a human. The Shredder had them dressed as ninjas because he simply felt like it. Secondly, they’re bad guys so the idea of clothing them to make them blend in or appear less frightful is counter intuitive. I would be more afraid of an obvious metal robot army with clear working knowledge of ninja tactics than a less than obvious ninja army in purple pants and hoods. But I digress…

The first Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie made a pronounced decision in making the Foot Clan not an army of robots. Instead in the movie the Foot are a gang of misguided human youth who follow The Shredder by choice. This is very very different. Before it was one evil mastermind and his futuristic inhuman army that the Turtles could tear through endlessly with swords and nunchucks. Now these overgrown Turtles are beating the ever living piss out of the next generation of New York City.

The story of the Foot in the first movie is told to us through the character of “Danny”. Danny is a rebellious youth who is looking to make friends and commit random crimes. So he joins the Foot Clan. When Danny shows up to the Foot Clan hideout for the first time we are treated to the inner-workings of what it is to be a henchmen. What is the allure? What is their daily life? Who are the individuals behind the bug eyed masks? Who is the “real” Foot Clan?

The truth behind the Foot is they are not that bad of guys. Danny walks into the hideout and is greeted by an amiable tour guide. There is a very well constructed set of skateboard ramps for one to ride on if so chooses. There are video games. They listen to Van Halen-esque rock and roll. And most importantly, they have cigarettes. Lots of cigarettes. A shit ton of cigarettes. Danny actually asks the guy if he has any cigarettes and like a fucking magic trick the guy pulls two cartons, not packs – CARTONS, of cigarettes out of nowhere. His response to Danny is “regular or menthol” and then throws them to Danny. Is this place Heaven?

The tour guide definitely says “or”, but by his cavalier attitude I’m pretty sure Danny could have walked with both cartons of cigarettes with no questions asked. I know that times have changed and inflation and luxury taxes and everything, but a carton of cigarettes in New York City is not cheap. This guy just met Danny and if you read between the lines is willing to give Danny two cartons of cigarettes – no questions asked. Could you imagine the amount of cigarettes Danny could get his hands on if he actually knew the guy? The sky is the limit my friend and I mean Danny could literally build a ladder of cigarettes past the clouds in the sky that is how many cigarettes this guy has to give.

Besides the cigarettes, the Foot Clan does have its own 24 hour gym where one can learn a variety of martial arts. Free cigarettes, free 24 hour gym, free one-on-one training? Friend #2 and I were sold. I’m not 100% positive, but I feel like you see guys eating pizza and drinking soda in the Foot Clan hideout. I would imagine there attitude towards cigarettes also applies to soda and pizza as well. I love the Foot Clan! What is the price you have to pay to be a Foot Clan soldier? Commit vandalism, purse snatchings, fight enormous turtles and, maybe, get beat to death by The Shredder in front of the rest of the Foot? That’s not too bad.

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Friend #2 and I decided that given the opportunity we would join the Foot Clan. It seems like a pretty great group of guys (minus the one who slaps April – but one rotten apple…) and the amenities are pretty great as well. Friend #2 and I continued to discuss the benefits of joining the Foot Clan. Maybe I would learn to skateboard. That would be pretty cool. We would definitely get in amazing shape with all the Ninjutsu training. Also, we would be learning a valuable self-defense so we would probably be more confident in ourselves. We would definitely save a lot of money because pizza, soda, cigarettes, shelter, video games, gym and clothes (Foot Clan ninja outfit) are all provided for free. And we would make a lot of friends.

As the two of us discussed the merits of joining the Foot Clan, we soon realized pretty quickly the Foot Clan may be better without us. We are two unemployed men with mild drinking problems. We are two lazy men who in the shining light of Summer are instead watching a children’s movie. If anything, us and our current roster of friends would only be a bad influence on the other members of the Foot Clan.

They never show the Foot Clan getting high and drunk and watching repeats of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. They never show the Foot Clan sleeping past noon to wake up to lay around on couches. The Foot Clan is an active group of people. They’re on the move. They’re running through subway tunnels. They’re burning apartment buildings down. They have structure. They have a leader and they follow orders. Meanwhile, showering has become optional in our lives.

“Hey man, get your shit on. We’re going to go kidnap some reporter chick.”

“Nah man, I’m cool. I’m just going to drink some PBR and play video games.”

“I rue the day you were ever let into this Foot Clan.”

“Whatever man. Can you throw me another carton of free cigarettes before you leave?”

The Foot Clan would only be worse off with us or Dustin Hoffman as members.

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27 Responses to “My Life In Conversations – Part 2 of Whatever”

  1. tiffanized said

    I am completely turned on by Dustin Hoffman kissing Jason Bateman. Like really hot about it. I’m baffled as to why all the people around them are looking at it on the jumbotron instead of where it is happening one foot away from them. I’d want the live show. I’d probably get involved, given my whorey propensity for Devil’s Threesomes.

    Simply Sleep gave me more weird dreams than any other sleep meds I’ve taken. Like the one where some sort of applesauce disaster caused the streets to be full of applesauce which I volunteered to help clean up. There were hundreds of us with push brooms sweeping the highways clear of applesauce, and when we took a lunch break, they fed us . . . applesauce. I also once dreamt that I got into a heated discussion with Robin Williams and Nicole Sherzinger/Jennifer Lopez (she morphed at one point) about Pharisees; my argument was well organized, coherent and well-delivered despite the fact that my clothes were shrinking the whole time.

    I cried during the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles because I thought Splinter was going to die. The sad part was that it was the second time I’d seen the movie, so obviously [SPOILER ALERT] I should have known he didn’t die.

  2. campbelld said

    I a have a startling confession to make. I was never a TMNT fan. I do not know why, in hindsight. Transformers? Hell yeah. Power Rangers? Damn straight. Captain Planet and the Planeteers? I can still sing the theme song. But I was never a TMNT fan. I feel like a significant part of my childhood is missing becuase of this. What is wrong with me? Why did my parents let this opportunity pass by? Is it their fault, are they simply bad parents, who emotionally crippled me by sheilding me from this awesomeness? Or is it a more fundemental flaw in my own psyche?
    I expect answers to these questions.
    Or, like, not.

    • Lala said

      How could you not watch TMNT? I loved it. I watched TMNT and Power Rangers every day. Captain Planet wasn’t one of my favorites but I watched anyway. Transformers, on the other hand, I really don’t remember. I think I didn’t even know it existed until the movie came out a few years ago.

    • kristenstewartwantsit said

      Amy Jo Johnson 4-ever.

    • AmyAlmost said

      I don’t know. I always thought Captain Planet was an idiot and wished they showed Monkey Magic or Astro Boy reruns. Never liked Power Rangers, it would remind me of that cartoon that I loved when I was little with the lion robots that formed bigger robots.

      • cledbo said

        Yeah I was always happiest at after school care if Rugrats and Monkey played on the same day.

        And now, as a fully grown adult woman, I own the full box set of Monkey and spent several days of a holiday watching every episode with Mr Cledbo in between eating ham and cheese toasties and having special cuddles. Monkey rules!

      • AmyAlmost said

        My husband just doesn’t seem to get Monkey. He struggles. I’ve tried “but he summons a cloud as mode of transport” and it still seems to draw up blank in emotive response. Heartless bastard. It’s the same with the Goodies, he just doesn’t seem to get that one either.

      • cledbo said

        Goodiiiiies, goodie goodie yum yum.

  3. Crystal said

    I loved TMNT. It was my favorite thing.

    I loved it a lot.

    Dustin Hoffman is so awesome.

  4. MLF said

    I never watched TMNT, power rangers, captain planet (although I know the theme song to that because of my ex…long story) and yes, I had cable growing up-it’s only since I moved away to school that I no longer have cable- but even back then I really didn’t spend much time watching TV. always too busy. I don’t know if anyone else’s life was like this, but I had a tighter schedual than a lot of adults I know…which is probably why I feel perfectly comfortable sleeping till afternoon everyday. I feel like I earned that with my crazy crazy childhood scheduals.

    Simply Sleep gives me crazy dreams too. I take it fairly regularly- not every night but once or twice a week maybe. The last time I took it I dreamt I was driving in my car being held at gun point. it was pretty funny actually- in my dream I finally decided to crash the car, and right upon impact the person pressed the gun against my head to shoot me but it was too late- we hit. and right as we hit I woke up and I was snuggling my head against one of my fifty bagillion pillows and I freaked because I thought it was the gun still against my head and fell out of my bed. and accidentally hit my head on my nightstand while I was spazzing out. good times. the roomates thought that one was pretty funny.

  5. PWG said

    I’m sad that my “notify me of follow-up comments” thing didn’t work yesterday. I just realized I missed most of the commenting because of it. I’m glad you’re not really lazy h00rs like I was calling you in my head yesterday though, so there’s that.

    I can’t wrap my head around this sleeping problem thing. If it were an Olympic sport I would make you all so proud. Well, all you Americans, anyway.

    • cledbo said

      No, we are lazy h00rs, just verbose ones.
      If I wasn’t lazy, I wouldn’t spend so much of my working day hanging around here instead of earning the dollas they pay me

  6. kt said

    The first time I took Ambien I hallucinated gnomes jumping all around my tv and I saw three of everything. It was kinda awesome. A medicine that I take now has a side effect of crazy dreams so about 4 times a week I have the most vivid dreams ever. Last night was a doozy. I can remember about 5 totally different dreams and all of them were very long and drawn out, but completely coherent. Most times they are also really violent, not long ago I dreamed about Tiger Woods skydiving without a parachute. It was a bloody gory mess and yet he just jumped up and walked around with his entrails all hanging out and a dislocated arm swinging around.

    Did you really not mention Vanilla Ice in TMNTII? NINJA! NINJA RAP! I used to have the TMNT movies on VHS. Wish I knew where those were now.

  7. susanelle said

    I once wanted to figure out what was going on with dreams so I read all I could and talked to people and followed blogs and so on and so forth.

    What I found out was: not too much. Dreams are complicated shit.

    But what I can tell you with utmost confidence about your particular dream above, Jordan, is that the tigers = your blog commenters. Oh, yes, they do. You aren’t afraid of them/us, but you’re a little nostalgic about all the “horses.”

  8. AmyAlmost said

    I hate shaking hands. I was raised in some weird family where we girls were told to not shake hands like a man so I hate it when someone sqeezes my hand like some barbarian.

    God I love It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia repeats, cannot wait for unemployment.

    …I can never stay on topic.

    • susanelle said

      I love that you never stay on topic, but I’m freaked about the hand-shaking training you got.

      Have I been shaking hands too hard? Eek.

  9. cledbo said

    I’m disturbed that so many of you are taking sleeping medication – it’s one of those stereotypes about Americans which I actually thought wasn’t completely true, but apparently it is.
    I think I’ve maybe taken melatonin 5 or 6 times in my life, and an actual sleeping pill once when I was sick and couldn’t sleep to save my life/sanity.

    Steven Segal’s dress sense is epic. That man never ceases to crack me the fuck up.

    Where’s HB? TMNT are particularly close to her heart/boobs. I loved them back in the day, but now I find it difficult to watch any cartoon less complicated than, say, Neon Genesis, or Dragon Ball Z. That doesn’t include The Simpsons of course, as it is not a cartoon – it is a religion.

    …..I’m out of steam and it’s only 9am. Time to go brave the freezing winds and get a coffee. Laterzzzz.

    • AmyAlmost said

      How many Simpson quotes a day do you think you do? My husband was amazed at the Australian love/worship for the Simpsons and the constant quoting.

      Americans think it’s weird we sell codeine over the counter here. Just had two extras in my house and their jaws dropped.

      • kt said

        You get codeine over the counter? wtf? And here they hide the cold medicines under lock and key and you have to sign over your first born to get any.

      • cledbo said

        The only ones they put behind the counter here are pseudoephedrine. What a wonderful wonderful flu-busting drug that is.

        They recently busted a couple of blokes ordering some stupendous amount of cold meds over the internet, with the fairly obvious intent of making them into disco biscuits or whatever it is the kids are into these days.

        I make a lot more Simpsons quotes around people my own age, and my other half, than at work – it’s not funny unless someone else gets it. Same goes for Family Guy quotes.

        LTT inside joke quotes are, however, funnier if no one has a clue what I’m on about, and also far less first hand embarrassing.

  10. I’m really late to the party on this one, but I was too lazy to type out a big comment on my blackberry while stuck in the woods yesterday.

    I’ve had the same “would you join the Foot Clan” discussion with several friends. The verdict was always yes. It just seemed like such a party. Except for when Shredder would maybe kick the shit out of you, but I had the whole being a girl thing on my side. But I’m probably taking a big risk in assuming Shredder wouldn’t smack a woman around. You don’t go by the name “Shredder” and wear elaborate metal outfits to hold doors for ladies and go home to spoon with the Mrs.

    Anyway, I was concerned about the whole lazy thing too. But Danny really wasn’t out there doing that much. I mean, he definitely didn’t put in a 40hr workweek on the streets, so it’s gotta be better than what we are (or rather, were) doing with our lives. No?

    There used to be this place in Boston called ‘Good Times’. It was literally a warehouse filled with old arcade video games (including the TMNT ones), batting cages, air hockey, a bar, etc. It was the definition of ghetto. We’d be there drunk at like 1am, and all these babymama’s would be walking around with their children. It was totally inappropriate. But it was also totally awesome. It reminded me of The Foot’s lair. Whenever we’d go there and bring someone we didn’t know, I’d describe it to them as such. If they didn’t know what I was talking about, we weren’t friends much longer. Anyway, it’s ‘Good Times’ was just further confirmation that I want to live the life of The Foot.

    Thanks for the TMNT rant. And for referring to me as “staff”. Do we get benefits?

  11. Edyth Lambey said

    Sleep problems can be also attributed to anxiety and depression. ‘

    My current internet site
    http://www.foodsupplementdigest.com/

  12. Percy Donlin said

    Sleeping problems in the elderly are more than likely to manifest in a particular pattern, depending on the health of the person, and the prescription drugs they may be taking for their health problems.The quality of their sleep may change considerably, either because of less demands on their energy as a result of retirement, or through illness..

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